HATES OF ADVERTISING. Ore Rijnnre, one inrh, on insertion... l (' ( iiy Square, one inch, one month 8 (") ( ce Square, one inch, three mor.Clii. .. 00 ( ne Kipmre, one inch, one year JO 00 Two Si!"nrM, one year Ji5 "0 ytwrler Column, one year ft) 00 Half Column, one year P0 00 On Column, one year 100 00 Iesnl notice nt etabli,hed rntw. Marriage and death notice gratis. All bills for yearly advertisements oollected quarterly. Temporary advortisomenU niot be inid in Advance. Job work, cash on delivery. 1 rfTii.isnrD irT wsdxbkiiat. bt J. E. WENK. Offluo in Bmearbangh & Co.'a BulMln ELM STREET, - TIONESTA, PA. TICU'lM, I1.BO "iPIEIl ynAn. No miWrlritlnng rucoired for shorter period limn three month. !..iTci.Miiiiioiic'f.olirited from H pu-Uof th country. N notice will betaken of anonymoui cm u U V0L.IV1. NO. 31. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1883. $1.50 m ANNUM. AT THE MILL. Wh,t did you see, my farmer f tlray walls of wood and stone, A mill-whoel turning to grind your grist, And turning for that alone. You hebr the mill-stone's mnrmnr, Thela-sh of the tumbling rill, As yr,u plod with your oxen slowly dow l The sunny slopes of tho hill. The heavens are blue above you, There' miii and shade on the road; You touch the brindle lacks of your team And reckon the btit in the load. You clip the heads of the daisies, And wonder that Ood should need To litter the fields with tho staring blooms Of a stubborn and worthless weed. You're honest and true anil sturdy; Hero, give mo your brawny hand A singer of Idle songs, I greet Tho farmer wbo tills tho land. Tlod home with your grist in the gloaming; Tha baby crows at the gate, And ovor the hill by the pasture bait The lowing cattle wait. What do I see, my farmer? The mill and the rill and the wheel, The lniMu on the sliingUw, the mold on the Stolios, And the floating mists of meaL But the poet's vision Is clearer, Revealing tho hidden things; I the the rivulet flow to the sea From cool, clear, woodlund springs. I see the brown fields quicken With the green of the growing wheat, When the swallow's a-tilt at the bending eaves, And the breath of the morn is sweet. I see the swaying reapers , In fields of the golden grain; And oxen that pant in tho summor sun Yoked to a loaded wain. I see wliito Mills careening On tho opal-tinted seas, When the silvery sunlight glints the wavesi That are stirred by freshening breeze. I see the htorm-rack gather, That blots out the evening star; And flung in the foam of a billow's crest, A drowned man lashed to a spar. I e in the city's shadows A figure that creeps and scrawls " Give blood or bread," while the win. flows red And there's mirth in the city halls. I see a rich man's darlings, - As fresh as the rose's bloom, And the gaunt, white face of a little child, Dead, in a barren room. Rod home with your grist, my farmer, Nor heed how the wide world fares; The eyes that are clearest are saddest alway, With their burden of alien cares. Unshed is the mill stones murmur, The dripping wheal Is still; And over the dusky vale I hear The song of the whip-poor-will. llutlon Dranserip A TELEGRAM. K TELLING INCIDENT IN THE LIFE OF JOHN MACKI.tKKEHII. " I didn't say a great many words," said John Macklefresh, in a slow, grind ing sort of way, " but 1 guess it'll cut." "I wish ye hadn't writ so hard, John," Buid his wife, piteously, " "fwas all the worse for beiii' so abort. Your brothers and I don't never mean to believe that Samuel, meant to cheat ye out o' that f2U0." "'What did he mean, then ?" snapped her husband, fiercely, his square, dogged ..chin in the air us lie combed his whiskers upward, a favorite action of his when ho felt particularly pugnacious. Mrs. Macklefresh turned one of the long stockings she was darning from heel to too and back again before sho an swered : "Didn't mean nothin', husband," she answered, softly. "We're all feller-mottles. Some of us is human, sometime. Thought he'd pay ye, I exjiect when he borryed it. Then he couldn't, that's all." "I dunno' anything about 'couldn'ts;' Iknow about 'didn't,' " said John Mackle fresh, doggedly, still combing that per verse chin into the air. "This I know, he's got tho two hundred, and I hain't, and I'll never " "Don't, John, dear," interposed his meek little wife. "Well, bein' a deacon and a " "Christian," suggested his wife, seeing he skipped that hard word. " I s'poso I cau't say I won't forgive him. But they ain't no commands be tween tho leds of that air Book about " "Twenty-live cents to pay," said a mall, business-like voice at tho door. Mrs. Macklefresh turned the rough, brown envelope over fearfully in tier hands, trembling, as people do, at tele grams. I wonder if the telegraph boys ever get used to it. " Don't be bothering, Alice," said her husband, pushing her aside, not ungent ly, though his words were rough as usual. This is what he read when he Lad torn thin outlet at the end of tho envelope: " Your brother Samuel died this morn ing. Come at once." The AVestern Union telegraph com pany has a good deal to answer for but then so have a great many other people. John Macklefresh did not swoon away on tho doorstep, or throw tip his hands with a piercing, cry, or any of tho.se things. lie mechanically took out u quarter from his loose change pocket, careful even in this moment to count the pennies given in change, shut the door, handed the dispatch to his wife, and Walked away to the window. It was only his heart fainted. This, then, had Come to the nmu he had said, but a mo ment ago, he would never no, no, n'nt (hut; he didn't say that -Alice stopped hfm, you know. Beside, ho was a dea con and a Christian? Alice had said bo.' But then ho couldn't forget. That was what he was going to say when the door opened. The Bible don't ask that. Or, does it, when it speaks about Ood casting our sins into the depths of the ten behind his back remembering them no more against us. Forget ? What was there to forget ? He had lent bis own brother $200. Might havo given it to him and never missed it. Under his remorseful eye his great fields stretched away, white now with snow ' white as the soul God hud forgiven, but yellow enough he knew as summer came on, yellow as the gold they would bring to his pocket. Those few poor, pitiful hillsides of Samuel's 1 Why hadn't he given it to him right out and saved hard feelings f There was Johnny (named for him) wanting to go to college ever since he was out of potticoats. Suppose he had given it to him. Misery misery of remembering un kindncss when it is too late I And then that cutting letter I Had it reached him before he died, or was it only his poor stricken brother's family that would read the brief harsh words t lie turned to his wife, who sat holding the dreadful envelope, sad, but doubting if sho would be wise to speak yet to him. " Get your things on, " will ye," he said, in a voice that sounded dry and harsh even to himself. "I'll be round with old Billy to the front door. Wrap up warm and take a soapstone. I'll havo the buffaloes. It's mortal cold." She was ready and waiting when he brought Billv around. The house could take care of Itself. She locked it. They had pome sixty miles to ride. In the course of it his tongue became some what loosed, and ho told in broken and jerky sentences into her sympathetic ear what little of the chaotic grief and re morse he was able to put into words. "My brother, of ter all. Used to play together when we was little. Hum, hum." A man grows very tender when he goes back to the days when he was " little." "Bought me a pair o' skates oncer when I wanted some. Older than me Samuel was always a making mo kites and whistles and all seech rattle-traps. Never could seem to get along. Big family? Yes. I oughter to ha' helped him. Ain't a man livin' could scratch anything but moss off them rocks he calls a" farm. I'll help the boys see if I don't." It was a long,' cold ride. Mrs. Mackle fresh wrapped the buSaloes higher and higher till at last sho was quite extin guished in their folds, and her husband thought on drearily alone. Almost there. The house is in sight. A long, low, unpainted affair. The oldest inhabitant could not remember when its owner had had money enough, to paint it. Here at last. "Who-o-a, Billy 1 You remember the old hitching post though it is so long . since you've stopped at it. There hasn't been much visiting lately. Kemember how brother used to rush out in his ' old blue coat, Alice, and " "Why, John ! Why, John!" Mrs. Macklefresh rose up out of her enveloping furs like a startled Esquimaux. She pinched her husband's arm hysteri cally, and ho in his turn rubbed his eyes half out at sight of tho apparition that confronted them. "Come in I come in!" it cried, cor dially. "You must bo half frozen, both of you." " How do you come here !" said John Macklefresh, fearfully, not stirring a step in answer to this invitation. "How do you come, I should say," returned brother Samuel, for it was he, ; blue coat, brass buttons and all. "Come, are you dead ? You act so." " No," broke in Mrs. John, who had found a tongue, "but we thought you were. It said so the telegraph did. We came up to the funeral !" And so, between hysterical tears and laughter and questions that nobody pre tended to answer, they unloaded and got into the house. At least Mrs. John did. The two brothers sidled off behind the barn. There John got hold of brother Samuel's hand and shook it silently and solemnly, while the strong tears ran down both their rugged faces. Neither offered or asked explanations. In that moment their hearts spoke plainly enough. "This my 'brother' was dead and is alive again." In tho house they went to 'work more reasonably to unravel the mystery. Mrs. John showed them the telegram. "I see!" cried one of them with a sudden light, "there's a Samuel Mackle fresh down at tho Four Corners, and I did hear he was very low last week. He's got a brother John, too, but I didnt know he lived in your town. Now he won't get it. Ain't that too bad?" Two brothers now came in wiping away surreptitious tears with their coat sleeves. They sat talking over the curi ous event, when the village post came rattling by, tossing tho mail at them as they sat at the window. Some one rushed out to get it, but seized with a sudden impulse John Macklefresh dashed passed him and secured it himself. Hastily glancing about him he stuffed one thin epistle into his own pocket. It was the "cutting" letter. " That'll keep to the day o' judgment," he muttered, rejoicingly. "I'll write him a receipt in full for the two hundred secin' I'm a deacon and a 'Christian.'" I'urtland Transcript. The ashes of Columbus, which have been shifted about repeatedly, and are now in the cathedral of St. Domingo, are to be taken out of their resting-place and inclosed in a pluie-gtass urn. Ttiia urn is to hold the cusket containing the actual ashes in such a manner that the remains w j! be plainly visible. FASIII0N NOTES. Mantles are long and tight fitting. Small waists are no longer fashionable Tho English turban is a very populai hat this season. Heads, wings, breasts and crests ol birds are tho favorite ornaments for fall hats. A limited amount of gold tinsel ap pears in winter millinery and dress ef fects. The size of the tournnre appears to bo regulated entirely by tho fancy of the wearer. Wool batistes in " checks and white and black mixtures will bo much worn this fall. Grays, browns and indefinite shades of blue or bluo-green bid fair to be very popular. Crushed strawberry has lost caste, shot-blue and plum color having taken its place. Dresses for autumn wear are largely made of chocked surah silk and cash mere skirts. Wool dresses of beef-blood culoi, braided with black, are favorites witi London ladies. Littlo girl bridemaids may wear pink or blue shoes and stockings to match their ribbons.' Torchon lace and Irish point embroid ery remain favorite trimmings for ladies' and children's underwear. Nobody wears artificial flowers now adays, but natural ones are employed for immense corsage bouquets. Fichus of black Spanish net are still fashionable, but are worn more especially over jerseys of dark blue and black. Dress sleeves are still worn so as to closely fit tho arm and are padded when the arms are not plump and shapely. Delicate nun's gray kid sandals are worn wih homo toilets, over silk stock ings of pale lilac, black or dark red. ' ' Pigeon's throat, " ' 'watercress green, " "duck" and "duckling green" are counted with new shades wearing rural names. A novelty for quilted underskirts to be worn next winter appears in the shape of foulard silk, with a dark ground and tho pattern in bright colors. Rumor reaches America that the most fashionable ladies of Paris are going from one extreme to the other in the matter of tho shape of the sleeve, and that tho very close-fitting style will, in a measure at least, give way to a full flowing one. Autumn mantles of a dressy style are made either in tho visito shape, with sash drapery in tho back, or, in modified Hubbard shape, these lined with deep Venetian red and trimmed with satin and. lace, tho favorite material Of tho wrap being a fine quality of black vigogne. Half low bodices and short sleeves have reappeared, and for young girls charming at-home dresses are made of French gray wool, with square necks trimmed with black velvet and filled in with white muslin, and sleeves puffed over the elbows, a sort of " Marguerite " dress, which is simple, graceful, and generally becoming. Fino cloth shot with colored thread is the newest material for ladies' autumn suits. Tho bodice and tunic are of dark green or brown, dashed with red or with blue, and the Scotch plaited skirt is ol stripes of the colors in tho upper parts. A crimson or blue waistcoat inside this cloth bodice adds to its style and may be made of cloth or of moire fastened by small, flat gold buttons like sequins. Small bonnets for autumn are called princess bonnets, becauso they are id favor with tho Princess of Wales, who waa brought up to make her own bonnets, and therefore likes simple shapes. Foi this reason milliners object to them, as ladies can make them without assistance, and have merely to cover them with folds on the crowns and put a pair of gentle gray doves on the left side, pierced by a silver dagger, which apparently holdj them in place. Making a Reputation Easily. The late Professor Moses Stuart Phelps used to tell this story with great glee: In the days when ho was a graduate student at New Haven ho took a walk one morning with Professor Newton, who lives in the world of mathematics. Pro fessor Newton, as was his habit, started off on the discussion of an abstruse problem. As the professor went deeper and deeper, Mr. Phelps' mind wandered further and further from what was being said. At last Mr. Phelps' attention was called back to his compauion by the professot winding up with: "Which, vou see, gives us 'x.'" "Does it?"" asked Mr. Phelps, think ing that in politeness ho ought to reply something. " Why, doesn't it?" excitedly exclaimed the professor, alarmed at the possibility of a flaw being detected in his calcula tions. Quickly his mind ran back over the- work. There had, indeed, been a mistake. "You are right, Mr. Phelps, you are right," almost shouted tho professor. "It doesn't give us 'x.'it gives us 'y.' And from that hour Professor Newton looked upon Mr. Phelps as a mathemati cal prodigy. Ho was tho first man who had ever caught the professor tripping. "And so," Mr. Phelps used ofteu to add, with his own peculiar smile, in telling the story, ' I achieved a reputa tion for knowing o thing I hute. It's the way many reputations are made in this superficial world." A Southern entertainment, is guessing at the m t ils ia a certain watermelon, una one contest in Knowille received 4,705 guesses juuiti.-i-n different States, A STRUGGLE WITH A FISH. A DVXITTT7B.E OF A. BIOWEEOU ATHLETE AT THE SEASHORE. The Wager Ihut He Made with an Old . Flahermnn A Fifth that Wouldn't Ho Lifted. A Deer Island (Me.) letter to the New York Sun tells this humorous story of a young athlete's adventure 'with an elec tric fish : "You look like a likely hef ter," said an old fisherman in oilskins, who was unloading a doryful of mackerel, to a lusty young man in knickerbockers and a whito flannel shirt. "Yes," replied the young man; "I'm called pretty strong in tho Skowhegan Athletic club." "Did you ever lift much fish?" asked the old fellow, throwing a huge netful of tinkers on tho dock and looking his com panion over with a critical eye. "I never saw the fish I couldn't lift." Tho fisherman thrust his hand into his pocket, from which, after a violent strug gle and much invective, ho hauled out a very flat, light leather pocketbook that was closed with a strap and a piece of rope yarn. Ho took out a clean .ten-dollar bill and said: "I'm going on eighty ono year old next muster day, but I'll bet ten dollars even you can't lift fish that I can." "Where's your fish?" asked Skow hegan. "Well, I'll tell you. Here's a fish," and he poked among the mackerel, and pointed to a large, solid, skate-like fish in the bottom of the dory. "Let's see; it's about five foot tip to tho dock. I'll bet you the ten dollars you can't toss the fish up there." "I don't want to take your money," replied tho vounor man. macrnanimouslv. as a number of spectators drew around, "but if you've got half a dozen of the fish string 'em all together and give mo some thing worth doing. I've lifted 500 pounds before breakfast." "Oh, yes, I've heard on you," said the old man, somewhat warmly. "You're the man that ate a piece of rubber hose for breakfast and didn't find out it wasn't sausage till somebody told you. See that thumb nail?" he asked, holding up a curious-looking stub with a horny growth upon it. "Well, I sarved 'prentice once to a boxmaker, and used to put in all the screws with that nail and pull 'em out when they broke off with my teeth. You know me, and I'll stick to it that you can't heave the fish up to the dock, and there's the' money." The Skowhegan athlete thud called upon deposited $10 with the owner of the mackerel canning shop, who had joined the party, and went down the ladder into the boat, while the old fisher man climbed up on the dock to watch the feat. ' " Stand back there I" shouted the fish tosser, rolling up his sleeve. "This fish might hit you, old man, and knock some of the blow out of you." "Heave away," said the man in oil skins, tipping a wink at the crowd in general. The young man now stepped into the aory ana poked away the tinkers (small mackerel) that were sliding about. Standing on the edge of the boat he stooped down, grasped the skate-like fish, and lifted, raising it about a foot. Then, uttering a yell, he staggered a moment and fell with a resounding splash into the wrater, nearly capsizing the boat in accomplishing the feat, which was re ceived with shouts of laughter from the dock, the old fisherman fairly dancing a nornpipe on the rail. "What's the matter with you?" he shouted, as the unfortunate athlete scrambled into the dory again, swearing like a pirate. "Trying to upset the boat, are you ?" " Who struck me ? Some one gave me a knock on the neck just as I was lift ing." "Nonsense," said some one in the crowd. " You wasn't touched." " I'll take my oath I felt something hit mo. If this is a skin game I want to know it." Bracing himself firmly in the boat he again grasped the fish in both hands and raised it three feet, and then fish, athlete and all went over backward among the tinkers. Man, fish, oars and balers were mixed up for a moment. At last the Skowhegan lifter made a break for the dock, and once upon it, sank down on a pile of boards. He was as white as a sheet and covered with scales from head to foot. " Send for the apothecary," he gasped, as the men crowded round. "Why, what's the matter with vou?" "I've had a stroke," whispered tho victim. "The miuuto I stooped to lift I felt it a-runnin' all over me. It's in our family, but I've got it bad," and here ho rubbed his arms and legs. " It knocked me clean off my feet," ne added, "and my. limbs felt like sticks. Send ;" but here a roar of laughter broke from the men, and one of them, seizing him by the arm, jerked him to his feet. " You're all right, my lad; only next time don't go fooling around old Amos. He's a hard nut." "Here's your money sonny," said the old man, holding out the bill, "you've earned it." "What do I mean?" he continued. " Why, jest this: You havn't had a shock of paralysis. You tried tew heft one of these torpoders. They'll knock a horse if you take 'era right." The athlete looked vacantly ahead, took back his money, and left amid the renewed laughter of the crowd. " He'll have a yarn to tell the Show be gan folks," said the perpetrator of the joke, "but I do hate to hear a man 'blow,' and thought I'd take him down. Injured? No, sir-ee. He'll feel stiff for an hour or so, but it won't harm him. I've been struck by 'ein a hundred times, and it's no fun 1 can tell you. It's just like being struck by a mild sin ike of lightning. I don't generally touch 'em, but a man gave me a dollar to fetch one in, so I kept it in the boat. They'll shock you right through the net. When I was hauling in the tinker seine this morning, I knew I had a shockfish from the jerking of my arm. The shocks come right up the wet cording, so that sometimes you ean't hang on anyhow. I've seen a man who struck one with an iron harpoon, thinking it a skate, knocked down so quick he never knew what hit him." The Bad Boy Gets a Black Eye. "Well, I see you have got another black eye," said the grocery man to tho bad boy, as he came in with a kerosene can and sat down by a peach basket while the grocery man drew the kerosene. " How did you get it ? Have a fight, or did your pa knock you down with a chair ?" " Got it trying to be angelic," said the boy, as he fumbled around the mosquito bar over tho bosket of jieaches to see if there wasn't a place where a peach might fall out. "You know that blind woman that grinds tho hand-organ down on tho corner. Well, a person would think that a poor blind woman who has to support herself and live children grinding out the awfulest music ever was would bo the last person in the world to have tricks played on her, but this morning I found a couple of dudes dropping lozen ges in the cigar box that is on her org?(n for pennies. The first time they dropped ' in one the old lady smiled and took it and eat it, and I wasn't very mad, 'cause I thought the dudes would surprise her by dropping in a five-dollar gold piece for a nickel, and make her feel good. But the next time they dropped in a cayenne epper lozcnger, and they got behind a peanut-stand to ' see how it worked. She bit it, and then she opened her mouth and blowed cold wind on her parchea tongue, ana I almost laffed at first, she made such a face, but when I see the tears begin to pour out of her poor old blind eyes, and roll down her withered cheeks, and she took the corner of her apron and wiped the tears away, as she stopped right in the middle of ' Annie Laurie,' and the organ drew a long breath, and when I looked at those two dudes laffing at her, I got crazy. Somehow I felt as though that poor old woman was my ma, and before I. knew it, I jumped right in among those dudes, and knocked one of them through the peanut stand on the hot chestnut roaster, and I kicked the other where it hurt, and he ran, and the other one said : ' What you got to do about the old woman, don't you know ' and I said sho was a friend of mine, 'cause sho was blind, and then tho Italian hit me in tho eye with a hard peach, and a policeman came along and the dude told him I was a terrier, and the policeman jerked my coat-collar off, but when I told him what it was all about, he gave me back my coat-collar and chased the dude, and the old lady thanked mo with her tremb ling lips that were smarting from the lozenger, and I went home to get my collar sowed on, and pa was going to take it out of my hide. I guess if I hadn't told him about the blind woman, he would have been kicking mo yet. Sometimes I think it don't pay to be too good. For instance, now in this row, all the friend I have got is this blind woman, and she will not know me when she sees me. The two dudes and tho Italian will lay for mo, and the policeman will, very likely, be told by tho dude that it was me who fired the lozenger in there, and I have got to wear this black eye for two weeks, just for having a heart in me." Do you think it pays to be good, or didn't you ever try it ?" " You bet it pays," said tho grocery man, as he stuck the nozzle of the kero sene can into a potato, and ripped oil the mosquito bar and told tho boy to help himself to peaches. " You have got a friend in me, and you can call on me for a certificate of character at any time. A boy that protects the poor and unfortu nate is a thoroughbred, if he does get a black eye occasionally." Milteauke Sun. On "Letting It Alone." There is nothing in which men dc more wisely, when they agree to act upon the principle of letting things alone, than when they apply this rule to tho slanders and misrepresentations which are directed against themselves. If only they can possess their souls in patience, and sit down in quietness and self-control when they are misunderstood or misrep resented, they may rest assured that they will gain a much more certain and easy victory than if they insist upon doing battle with all whom they regard as theii enemies. The truth is great, and it will prevail, says an old Latin proverb. Ono may go further and say that, after all, the truth hardly needs to be helped by us. It will make its way by its own weight; it will prevail by reason of its own strength. So when the angry storm of slander rages, when jealousy has be gotten fierce and bitter passions, which in their turn have armed themselves with the cruel weapons of falsehood and malice, the wise man will learn the wis dom of letting things ulono. Let the storm blow past; but do not bruise your self in fruitless attempts to hurl Lack the remorseless blast. Leave it alone, and it will shriek around you harmlessly, and by-aud-bye the hurricane will have blown itself out, and you will be exactly where you were before it began to rise that is, provided you have the wisdom to let it alone. Taking It Out In Trade. " Doctor," said a man to his physician, who had just presented a bill of $50 for treatment during a recent illness, "I have not much ready money. Will you not take this out in trade?" "Oh, yes," cheerfully answered the doctor; "I think Jhat we can arrange that but what is jour businesiY" " 1 am a cornet player," was tho start ling fply. JJarjwr't Jluf.tr. IN THE CYCLONE BELT. To wake at morn, and thank the night; To sleep at eve, and bless the day ; To feel, on stonn-nwept checks, the gray And ashen signet of fierce fright; This Is the lot of those who wait In storm-cursed lands the tempest's fata. The torrid heat of summer day An fey terror is to him Who sees, on far horizon's rim, Piled high, the thunder's bants of gray; While wandering breaths of vagrant air Seem like the music of despair 1 Plenty and peace and youth and hope One hour; the next, the whirling blast With death and want, when it is past, Maimed forms through toar-wet ruing grope Scarce time for love to gasp, " Good-bye," And after that Eternity t Clarence if. BoutelU. HUMOR OF THE DAT.- 11 you wanx to experiment on mc ad hesiveness of affection, endeavor to di vorce a lazy boy from a warnl bed on a cold winter morning. Breclvnridge News. Professor (looking at his watch) : "As we have a few minutes, I shall bo glad to answer any question that any one may wish to ask." Student " What time is it, please?" During a recent storm off the North Carolina coast tho wind blew eighty-one miles an hour. This nearly beats the best time mado by auctioneers and stump speakers. Detroit Journal. Neighbor "Your family looks con tented and happy." Mother " Yes; the boys are happy because they are through with their whipping, and the girls are happy because they didn't get any." The Judge. Little Freddie (late to breakfast): "Papa, what is the difference between mo and those baked potatoes ?" " Give it up, Freddie." " Why the potatoes early rose, and I didn't."? Burlington Free Press. A Brooklyn woman has been arrested, charged with stealing an accordion. A woman wicked enough to steal an accor dion would do worse. She would even play on the diabolical instrument. JVir ristown Uerald. A lady in Toronto got to laughing over some amusing incident and couldn't stop. Finally a doctor was called in, and he couldn't quiet her. As a last resort some one had to tell her that her back hair was coming down. Lowell Citizen. . A preacher in Tennessee is known as the "satisfying preacher." Whenever a church began to get a little tired of their Eastor, this man was sent for, and after earing a sermon or two from hun they were " satisfied" to keep tho pastor they had. In Scandinavia mothers take their in fants to church, closely swaddled . and wrapped in furs, and bury them in tho snowdrifts at tho door, leaving littlo holes for them to breathe through, when, from time to time, issues a superior article of ice scream. liocliester K.rpreM. The most humane woman this country has ever produced has just been discov ered. In the early part of the season sho gave away her switch to be tied to the abbreviated appendage of a bobtail horse, heroically parting with it rather than seo the poor animal pestered by .flies. Phila delphia Jfews. " Well," faid Amy, after patiently try ing for an hour to drown ' a worm in Horse ' creek, without being rewarded by even a nibble: "Well, fishing isu't what's cracked up to be." 'Mora slang!" exclaimed tho high school girl; " you should eay : 'Fishing is not pul verized according to tho original inten tion.' " Derrick. An attempt having been made to take a census of the females of Kurdistan, they rebelled, and 500 of them, assem bling, attacked tho soldiers who wers sent to aid the tmuiuorutors, uud put them to flight. Tho ceusus had to bo suspended until the reinforcements could arrive. Tho census man should not have asked these ladies their ages without protection. Adelo is a splendid cook, but it iB evi dent that she cannot content everybody and his father. The other evening madame went into the kitchen and found tho gas stove lighted. "Why, Adule, do you light your stovo ut this hour." " But I have not put it out siuee morn ing." "Whv, girl, are you crazy!" "No, but madame is always complaining that I use too many matches." J'urii J'njier. - Secrets In Washington. Secrets are often valuable in Washing ton. When the ways and means com mittee decided to increase tho tax ou whisky to two dollars a gallon a number of fortunes are said to have been mude within a small circle of men. In the dark days of lb04 a treasury clerk kept for twenty-four hours a secret known only to President Lincoln and Secretary Chase beside himself. When it became otli cially knowu it scut gold flying up, and the country was in dismay. It was a secret, too, that could have been passed on without harming tho I'niuu cause. It was simply a question of keeping faith till tho time came. An hour alter tha news broke the clerk fairly daggered under a terrific slap on the shoulder, lie heard and saw a banker whom he knew well. "You miserable fool!" cried tho banker, "I'd have given jou one hun dred thousand dollars to have known this twenty-four hours ago !" And the banker eould'huvo well afforded to do it. But the clerk had the sitti-f action of know ing that he had done his duty, as many all ot Iter government oliicer has dmn; under circumstances of teiujtatioii,--.l'A.if'-( .l:i'tn;inc. T A J - . .. 1
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers