ort llrpsbliras m rcm.tuHtD tntiiT wtonuia i J. E. WENK. Oraoo ia 8merbangh & Co.'s Bnildln ELM STREET, - TIONUSTA, PA. TrcnMs, tn.co picn yeaii. No dubscripllnnH received for shorter period limn thren monlliH. (iwiresponiloncn solicited from H part of tht country. Nn notice will betaken of anonymoui RATES OF ADVERTISING. Due Square, one inoh, one insertion... $1 0 Olio Square, one incli, one month 8 00 ( i!' Square, one inrh, three monfhi. .. 6 00 ! hie Square, one inch, one year 10 00 Two H'"hvp, one jenr 15 00 yiinrter Column, one year 30 00 Half Column, ono yenr M 00 One Coin rim, one year 100 00 Ignl notice nt established rntei. Murrince ami death notices gratis. All btlis for yenrly advertisement collected quarterly. Temporary advertisement ninat be paid in Advance. Job work, cash on delivery VOL. XVI. NO. 31. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1883. $1.50 PEE ANNUM. limn. 3 AT THE MILL, Whfit did you see, my farmer ! Tlrny walls of wood and stono, A mill wheel turning to grind your grist, And turning for that alono. You hour the mill-slone's murmur, TheRplash of the tumbling rill, Ai you plod with your oxen slowly dow t The sunny slope of the hill. The hravens are blue above you, There's sun and shnde. on the road; You touch the brlndlo I neks of your team Aud reckon the bas in the load. You clip the heads of tho daisies, And wonder that God should need To litter the Hills with the staring blooms Of a stubborn and worthless weed. You're honest and true and sturdy; Here, give mo your brawny hand A singer of idle songs, I greet The farmer who tills tho land. Plod homo w ith your grist in the gloaming; Tlw laby crows at the gate, And ovor tho hill by 4ho isture ban The lowing cattle wait. What do I see, my farmer! The mill and (ho rill and the wheel, The inoHK on tho shingles, the mold on the istiini's, And the floating mists of meal. But the jioet's vision is clearer, Buveuling the hidden things; I m the tho rivulet flow to the sea From coo), clear, woodland springs. I see, the brown fields iuickeu With the green of the growing wheat, When the 8 wallow's a-tilt at the bending paves, And the breath of tho morn Is sweet. I the swaying reiers In fielirsof tho golden grain; And oxen that pant in the summer sun Yoked to a loaded wain. I see w hite sails careening On the opal-tinted seas, When the silvery sunlight glints the wavesi That are stirred by freshening breeze. I see the storin-rack gather, That blots out the evening star; And flung in the foam of a billow's crest, A drowned man lashed to a spar. I s e in the city's shadows A figure that creeps and scrawls "Give blood or bread," while the wine flows red And there's mirth in the city halls. I see a rich man's darlings, As fresh as the rose's bloom, And the gaunt, white face of a little child, Dead, in a barren room. Plod home with your grist, my farmer, Nor heed how tho wide world fares; The eyes that are clearest aro snddost alway, With their burden of alien cares. Hushed is tho mill stones murmur, The dripping wheel Is still; And over the dusky vale I hear The song of the whiji-poor- will. Huston TYanscrip A TELEGRAM. A. TELL1NU INCUiKNT IN TIIK LIFE OP JOHN M ACKI.KFKKSII, "I didn't say n great many words," paid John Mncklefresh, in a slow, grind ing sort of way, "but I guess it'll cut." "I wish ye hadn't writ so hard, John," said his wife, iteously. "'Twas all the worse for bcin' so short. Your brothers mid I don't never mean to believe that (Samuel, meant to client ye out o' that f'JOO." " "What did lie menu, then ?" snapped her husband, fiercely, his square, dogged chin in the nir ns lie combed his whiskers vipward, n favorite action of his when he felt particularly pugnacious. Mrs. Macklefresh turned one of the long stockings she was darning from heel to toe and back again before she an swered : "Didn't mean nothin', husband," she answered, softly. " We're all feller-mottles. Home of us is human, sometime). Thought he'd pay ye, 1 expect when he borryed it. Then ho couldn't, that's nil." "I dunno' anything about ' con Id n't s;' Iknow about 'didn't,' " said John Mackle frcbh, doggedly, still combing that per verse chin into the air. "This I know, lie's got the two hundred, and I hain't, and I'd never " "Don't, John, dear," interposed his meek little wife. "Well, bcin' a deacon and a " "Christian," suggested his wife, seeing ho skipped that hard word. " I s' pose I can't say I won't forgive him. I!ut they ain't no commands be tween the leds of that air Hook about " "Twenty-five cents to pay," said a email, business-like voice ut tho door. Mrs. Macklefresh turned the rough, brown envelope over fearfully in her hands, trembling, as people do, at tele grams. I wonder if the telegraph boys ever get used to it. " Don't be bothering, Alice," said her husband, pushing her aside, not ungent ly, though his words were rough as usual. This is what he read when he had torn ' ft thin outlet at the end of tho envelope: " Your brother Samuel died this morn ing. Come at once." The Western Union telegraph com pany has a good deal to answer for but then so have a great many other people. John Macklefresh did not swoon away on the doorstep, or throw up his hands with a piercing cry, or any of those things. He mechanically took out u quarter from his loose change pocket, careful even in this moment to count the pennies given in change, shut the door, handed the dispatch to his wife, and Walked away to the window. It was only his heart fainted. This, then, had come to the man he hud said, but a mo ment ago, he would never no, no, not flint; he. didn't wiy that Alice slopped him, you know. Beside, ho was a dea con and a Christian? Alice, had said so. But then ho couldn't forget. That was what he was going to say when the door opened. The Bible don't ask that. Or, does it, when it speaks about God casting our sins into tho depths of the son behind his back remembering them no more against us. Forget ? What was there to forget ? He had lent his own brother $200. Might have given it to him and never missed it. Under his remorseful eye his great fields stretched away, white now with snow ' white as tho soul God had forgiven, but yellow enough he knew ns summer came on, yellow as the gold they would bring to his pocket. Those few poor, pitiful hillsides of Samuel's I Why hadn't he given it to hira right out and saved hard feelings f There wns Johnny (named for him) wanting to go to college ever since ho was out of petticoats. Suppose he had given it to him. Misery misery of remembering un kindncss when it is too latel And then that cutting letter! Had it reached him beforo he died, or was it only his poor stricken brother's family that would rend tho brief hnrsh words f Ho turned to his wife, who sat holdiDg the dreadful envelopo, sad, but doubting if she would bo wiso to speak yet to him. "Get your things on, ' will ye," he said, in a voice that sounded dry and harsh even to himself. "I'll be round with old Billy to tho front door. Wrap up warm and tako a sonpstone. I'll have the buffaloes. It's mortal cold." She wns ready and waiting when he brought Billy around. The house could tnke care of itself. (She locked it. They had somo sixty miles to ride. In the course of it his tongue became some what loosed, nnd ho told in broken and jerky sentences into her sympathetic ear what little of the chaotic grief and re morse he wns able to put into words. "My brother, after all. Used to play together when Ave was little. Hum, hum." A man grows very tender when he goes back to tho days when he was " little." " Bought mo a pair o' skates once, when I wanted some. Older than mo Samuel was always a making me kites and whistles and all seech rattle-traps. Never could seem to get along. Big family? Yes. I oughtcr to ha' helped him. Ain't a man iivin' could scratch anything but moss oil them rocks he calls a' farm. I'll help the boys see if I don't." It was a long' cold rido. Mrs. Mackle fresh wrapped the bulaloes higher and higher till at last she was quite extin guished in their folds, and her husband thought on drearily alone. Almost there. The house is in sight. A long, low, unpainted affair. The oldest inhabitant could not remember when its owner had had money enough to paint it. Hero nt last. "Who-o-a, Billy ! You remember the old hitching post though it is so long . sinco you've stopped nt it. There hasn't been much visiting lately. Remember how brother used to rush out in his ' old blue coat, Alice, and " " Why, John 1 Why, John!" Mrs. Mncklefresh rose up out of her enveloping furs like a startled Esquimaux. She pinched her husband's arm hysteri cally, and he in his turn rubbed his eyes half out nt sight of tho apparition that confronted them. "Come in ! come in!" it cried, cor dially. "You must bo half frozen, both of you." " How do you como here ?" said John Mncklefresh, fearfully, not stirring a step in answer to this invitation. "How do you come, I should say," returned brother Samuel, for it was he, blue coat, brass buttons and all. "Come, are you dead ? You act so." " No," broke in Mrs. John, who hnd found a tongue, "but we thought you were. It said so the telegraph did. We ciiinc up to the funeral !" And so, between hysterical tears and laughter and questions that nobody pre tended to answer, they unloaded and got into the house. At least Mrs. John did. The two brothers sidled off behind tho barn. There John got hold of brother Samuel's hand and shook it silently and solemnly, while the strong tears ran down both their rugged faces. Neither offered or asked explanations. In that moment their hearts spoke plainly enough. "This my 'brother' was deadandisalivo again." In the house they went to work more reasonably to unravel the mystery. Mrs. John showed them the telegram. "I see!" cried one of them with a sudden light, "there's a Snmuel Macklc fresh down at tho Four Corners, and I did hear he was very low Inst week. He's got a brother John, too, but I didn't know he lived in your town. Now he won't get it. Ain't that too bad?" Two brothers now enmo in wiping away surreptitious tears with their coat slecvcs. They sat talking over the curi ous event, when the villago post came rattling by, tossing the mail at them as they sat at the window. Some one rushed out to get it, but seized with a sudden impulse John Mncklefresh dashed passed him and secured it himself. Hastily glancing about him he stuffed one thin epistle into his own pocket. It was the "cutting" letter. " That'll keep to the day o' judgment," he muttered, rejoicingly. "I'll write him a receipt in full for the two hundred seein' I'm a deacon and a 'Christian.'" Portland Trtnserijt. The ashes of Columbus, which have been shifted about repeatedly, and are now in the cathedral of St. Domingo, are to be taken out of their resting-place and inclosed in a plate-glass urn. This urn is to hold the casket containing the actual ashes in such a nmnner that the remain will be plainly visible. I Mantles aro long Bnd tight fitting. Small waists aro no longer fnshionnblo Tho English turban is a very populoi hat this season. Heads, wings, brensts nnd crests ol birds are tho favorite ornaments for fall hats. A limited amount of gold tinsel ap pears in winter millinery and dress ef fects. Tho size of tho tournnre appears to bo regulated entirely by tho fancy of the wearer. Wool batistes in ' checks and white and black mixtures will bo much worn this fall. - - Grays, browns and indefinite shades of blue or blue-green bid fair to be very popular. Crushed strawberry has lost ensto, shot-blue and plum color having taken its plaeo. Dresses for autumn wear are largely made of checked surah silk nnd cash mere skirts. Wool dresses of beef-blood colot, braided with black, are favorites witfc London ladies. Little girl bridomaids may wear pink or blue shoos and stockings to match their ribbons.' Torchon lnco and Irish point embroid ery remain favorite trimmings for Indies' and children's underwear. Nobody wears artificial flowers now adays, but natural ones are employed for immense corsage bouquets. Fichus of black Spanish net arc still fashionable, but are worn more especially over jerseys of dark blue and black. Dress sleeves are still worn so as to closely fit tho arm and are padded when Hhe arms arc not plump and shapely. Delicate nun's gray kid sandals are worn wij.li homo toilets, over silk stock ings of palo lilac, black or dark red. ' 1 Pigeon's thront, " ' 'watercress green, " "duck" and "duckling green" are counted with new shades wearing rural names. A novelty for quilted underskirts to bo worn next winter appears in the shape of foulard silk, with a dark ground and tho pattern in bright colors. Rumor reaches America thnt the most fnshionnble ladies of Paris are going from ono extreme to tho other in the matter of tho shape of tho sleeve, nnd that tho very close-fitting stylo will, in a measure at least, give way to a full flowing one. Autumn mantles of a dressy stylo nro made either in the visito shape, with sash drapery in tho back, or. in modified Hubbard shape, these lined with deep Venetian red and trimmed with satin and lace, tho favorite material Of tho wrap being a fine quality of black vigogne. Half low bodices and short sleeves have reappeared, and for young girls charming at-home dresses are made of French gray wool, with squnre necks trimmed with black velvet and filled in with white muslin, nnd sleeves puffed over the elbows, a sort of "Marguerite" dress, which is simple, graceful, and generally becoming. Fine cloth shot with colored thread is the newest material for ladies' autumn suits. Tho bodice nnd tunic are of dark green or brown, dashed with red or with blue, and tho Scotch plaited skirt is of stripes of tho colors in tho upper parts. A crimson or blue waistcoat inside this cloth bodice adds to its style and may be made of cloth or of moire fastened by small, flat gold buttons like sequins. Small bonnets for autumn are called princess bonnets, because they are in favor with the Princess of Wales, who was brought up to mnke her own bonnets, and therefore likes simplo shapes. Foi this reason milliners object to them, aa ladies can make them without assistance, and have merely to cover them with folds on tho crowns and put a pair of gentle gray doves on the left side, pierced by a silver dagger, which apparently holds them in place. Making u Reputation Easily. Tho late Professor Moses Stuart Phelps used to tell this story with great glee : In tho days when he was a graduate student at New Haven ho took a walk ono morning with Professor Newton, who lives in the world of mathematics. Pro fessor Newton, as was his habit, started off on the discussion of an abstruse problem. As the professor went deeper and deeper, Mr. Phelps' mind wandered further and further from what was being said. At last Mr. Phelps' attention was called back to his companion by the professoi winding up with: "Which, you see, gives us 'x.'" "Does it?" asked Mr. Phelps, think ing that in politeness ho ought to reply something. "Why, doesn't it?" excitedly exclaimed the professor, alarmed at the possibility of a flaw being detected in his calcula tions. Quickly his mind ran back over the work. There had, indeed, been a mistake. "You are right, Mr. Phelps, you are right," almost shouted the professor. "It doesn't give us 'x,' it gives us 'y.' And from that hour Professor Newton looked upon Mr. Phelps as a mathemati cal prodigy. He was tho first man who had ever caught the professor tripping. "And so," Mr. Phelps used often to add, with his own peculiar smile, in telling tho story, " I achieved a reputa tion for knowing a thing 1 hate. It's the way many reputations are made in this superficial world." A Southern entertainment, is guessing at the seeds in a certain watermelon, ami one contest in Knoxvillr received 4,705 guessco fro.i ;'ui teci) different States, FASHION NOTES. A STRUGGLE WITH A FISH. ADVENTURE OF A BXOWHEOAW ATHLETE AT THE SEASHORE. The Wager Hint lie Jlncle wilhan (lid l iitii-rninn A I lull (hat Wouldn't lie l.lfud. A Deer Island (Mo.) letter to the New York Sun tells this humorous story of a young athlete's adventure 'with an elec tric fish : "You look like a likely hefter," said an old fisherman in oilskins, who was unloading a doryful of mackerel, to a lusty young man in knickerbockers and a white flannel shirt. " Yes," replied the young man; "I'm called pretty strong in tho Skowhegan Athletic club." "Did you ever lift much fish?" asked the old fellow, throwing a huge netful of tinkers on the dock and looking his com panion over with a criticnl eye. " I never saw the fish I couldn't lift." Tho fisherman thrust his hand into his pocket, from which, nfter a violent strug gle nnd much invective, ho hauled out a very flat, light leather pocketbook that was closed with a strap and a piece of rope ynrn. Ho took out a clean .ten-dollar bill and said: "I'm going on eighty one year old next muster day, but I'll bet ten dollars even you can't lift fish that I can." "Where's your fish?" asked Skow hegnn. "AVell, I'll tell you. Here's a fish," and ho poked among the mackerel, and pointed to a large, solid, skate-like fish in the bottom of the dory. "Let's see; it's about five foot up to the dock. I'll bet you the ten dollars you can't toss the fish up there." "I don't want to take your money," replied the young man, magnanimously, as a number of spectators drew around, "but if you've got half a dozen of the fish string 'em all together and give mo some thing worth doing. I've lifted 500 pounds before breakfast." "Oh, yes, I've heard on you," said the old man, somewhat warmly. "You're the man that ate a piece of rubber hoso for breakfast and didn't find out it wasn't sausage till somebody told you. See that thumb nail?" he asked, holding up a curious-looking stub with a horny growth upon it. "Well, I sarved 'prentice once to a boxmaker, and used to put in all the screws with that nail and pull 'em out when they broke off with my teeth. You know me, and I'll stick to it that you can't heave the fish up to the dock, and there s tho money." Tho Skowhegan athleto thug called upon deposited $10 with tho owner of the mackerel canning shop, who had joined the party, aud went down the ladder into the boat, while the old fisher man climbed up on the dock to watch tho teat. "Stand back there 1" shouted the fish tosser, rolling up his sleeve. "This fish might hit you, old man, and knock somo of the blow out of you." "Heave awav," said the man in oil skins, tipping a wink at the crowd in general. The young man now stepped into the dory and poked away tho tinkers (small mackerel) that were sliding about Standing on tho edge of the boat he stooped down, grasped the skate-like fish, ana lifted, raising it about a foot. Then, uttering a yell, he staggered a moment and fell with a resounding splash into the water, nearly capsizing tho boat in accomplishing tho feat, which was re ceived with shout3 of laughter from the dock, the old fisherman fairly dancing a hornpipe on tho rail. "What's tho matter with you?" he shouted, as tho unfortunate athlete scrambled into the dory again, swearing like a pirate. "Trying to upset the boat, are you f" "Who stnick mo ? Some one gave me a knock on the neck just as I was lift ing." "Nonsense," said somo ono in the crowd. " i ou wasn t touched." " I'll take my oath I felt something hit me. If this is a skin game I want to know it." Bracing himself firmly in the boat he ngain grasped tho fish in both hands and raised it three feet, and then fish, athleto and all went over backward nmong the tinkers. Man, fish, oars and balers were mixed up for a moment. At last the Skowhegan lifter made a break for the dock, aud once upon it, sank down on a pile of boards. He was as whito as a sheet and covered with scales from head to foot. " Send for the apothecary," he gasped, as the men crowded round. "Why, what's the matter with you?" "I've had a stroke," whispered the victim. "The minute I stooped to lift I felt it a-runnin' all over me. It's in our family, but I've got it bad," and here he rubbed his arms and legs. " It knocked mo clean off my feet," he added, "and my limbs felt like sticks. Send- but here a roar of laughter broke from tho men, and ono of them, seizing him bv tho arm, jerked him to his feet. " You're all right, my lad; only next time don t go fooling around old Amos, lie's a hard nut." "Here's your money sonny," said the old man, holding out the bill, "you've earned it." "What do I mean?" ho continued. " Why, jest this: You havu't had a shock of paralysis. You tried tew heft one of these torpoders. They'll knock a horse if vou take 'em right." Tho athlete looked vacantly ahead, took back his money, aud left amid the renewed laughter of the crowd. "He'll have a yarn to tell the Showhe gan folks," said tho perpetrator of tho joke. " but I do hate to hear u man 'blow,' and thought I'd take him down. Injured? No, sir-ee. He'll feel stiff for an hour or to, but it won't harm him. I've been struck by 'em a hundred times, and it's no fun I can tell you. It's just like being struck bv a mild stroke of lightning. I don't generally touch, 'cm, but a man gave me a dollar to fetch ono in, so I kept it in the boat. They'll shock you right through the net. When I was hauling in the tinker seine this morning, I knew I hnd a shockfish from the jerking of my arms. The shocks come right up the wet cording, so that sometimes you can't hang on anyhow. I've seen a man who stnick one with an iron hnrpoon, thinking it a skate, knocked down so quick he never knew what hit him." The Bnd Boy Gets a Black Eye. "Well, I see you have got another black eye," said the grocery man to the bad boy, ns he camo in with a kerosene enn nnd sat down by a peach basket while the grocery man drew tho kerosene. " How did you get it ? Have a fight, or did your pa knock you down with a chnir ?" " Got it trying to be angelic," said the boy, as ho fumbled around the mosquito bar over the basket of peaches to see if there wasn't a place where a peach might fall out. "You know thnt blind woman that grinds tho hand-orgnn down on the corner. Well, a person would think that a poor blind woman who has to support herself and five children grinding out the awfulest music ever was would bo tho last person irt the world to have tricks played on her, but this morning I found a couple of dudes dropping lozen ges in the cigar box that is on her orgpn for pennies. The first time they dropped' in one the old lady smiled and took it and eat it, and I wasn t very mad, 'cause I thought the dudes would surprise her by dropping in a five-dollar gold piece for a nickel, nnd make her feel good. But the next time they dropped in a cayenne pepper lozengcr, and they got behind a peanut-stand to see how it worked. She bit it, and then she opened her mouth and blowed cold wind on her parched tongue, and I almost laffed at first, she made such a face, but when I see the tears begin to pour out of her poor old blind eyes, nnd roll down her withered cheeks, and she took the corner of her apron nnd wiped the tears away, as she stopped right in the middle of ' Annie Laurie,' and the organ drew a long breath, and when 1 looked at those two dudes lafiing at her, I got crazy. Somehow I felt ns though that poor old woman was my ma, and before I knew it, I jumped right in among those dudes, and knocked one of them through tho peanut stand on the hot chestnut roaster, and I kicked the other where it hurt, and he ran, and the other one said : ' WTiat you got to do about the old woman, don't you know ' aud I said she was a friend of mine, 'cause she was blind, and then tho Italian hit me in tho eye with a hard peach, nnd a policeman camo along and tho dude told him I was a terrier, and tho policeman jerked my coat-collar off, but when I told him what it was all about, he gave mo back my coat-collar and chased the dude, and the old lady thanked me with her tremb ling lips thnt were smnrting from tho lozenger, and I went homo to get my collar sewed on, and pa was going to take it out of my hide. I guess if I hadn't told him about the blind woman, ho would have been kicking mo yet. Sometimes I think it don't pay to be too good. For instance, now in this row, all tho friend I have got is this blind woman, and she will not know me when she sees me. The two dudes and tho Italian will lay for mo, and the policeman will, very likely, bo told by tho dudo that it was me who fired tho lozenger in there, and I have got to wear this black eye for two weeks, just for having a heart in me.- Do you think it pays to be good, or didn't you ever try it ?" " You bet it pays," said the grocery man, as he stuck the nozzle of tho kero sene can into a potato, and ripped offtho mosquito bar und told tho boy to help himself to peaches. "You have got a friend in me, and you can call on mo for a certificate of character at any time. A boy that protects tho poor and unfortu nate is a thoroughbred, if ho does get a black eye occasionally." MihraideeSun. On "Letting It Alone." There is nothing in which men dc more wisely, when they agree to act upon the principle of letting things alone, than when they apply this rule to tho slanders and misrepresentations which are directed against themselves. If only they can possess their souls in patience, and sit down in quietness and self-control when they are misunderstood or misrep resented, they may rest assured that they will gain a much more certain and easy victory than if they insist upon doing battle with all whom they regard as theii enemies. Tho truth is great, and it will prevail, says an old Latin proverb. Ono may go further and say that, after all, tho truth hardly needs to be helped by us. It will make its way by its own weight; it will prevail by reason of its own strength. So when the angry storm of slander rages, when jealousy has be gotten tierce and bitter passions, which in their turn have armed themselves with the cruel weapons of falsehood and malice, the wise man will learn the wis dom of letting things alone. Let tho storm blow past ; but do not bruise your self in fruitless attempts to hurl back the remorseless blast. Leave it alone, and it will shriek around you harmlessly, and by-and-bye the hurricane will have blown itself out, and you will be exactly w here you were beforo it began to rise that is, provided you have the wisdom to let it alone. Taking It Out in Trade. " Doctor," said a man to his physician, who had just presented a bill of f 50 for treatment during a recent illness, " I have not much ready money. Will you not take this out iu trade?" "Oh, yes," cheerfully answered tho doctor; "1 think .liat we can arrange that but what is your business?" " 1 am a cornet player," was the start ling reply. Jaryer't llutar. IN THE CYCLONE BELT. To wake at morn, and thank the night; To sleep at eve, and bless the day; To feel, on storm-swept cheeks, the gray And ashen signet of fierce fright; This is the lot of those who wait In gtorm-cursod lands the tempest's fate. The torrid heat of summer day An Icy terror is to him Who sees, on far horizon's rim, Piled high, the thunder's banks of gray; While wandering breaths of vagrant air Seem like the music of despair 1 rionty and peace and youth and hope One hour; the next, the whirling blast With death and want, whei it is past, Maimed forms through tear-wet ruins grope Scarce time for love to gasp, " Good-bye," And after that Eternity I Clarence M. Doutelle. HUMOR OF THE DAY.- If you want to experiment on the ad hesiveness of affection, endeavor to di vorce a lazy boy from a warm bed on a cold winter 'morning. lireekvnridge News. Professor (looking at his watch): "As we have a few minutes, I shall bo glad to answer nny question that any one may wish to ask." Student " What . time is it, please?" During a recent storm off the North Carolina coast tho wind blew eighty-one miles nn hour. This nearly beats the best time made by auctioneers and stump speakers. Detroit Journal. Neighbor "Your family looks con tented and happy." Mother " Yes; the boys are happy because they are through with their whipping, and tho girls are happy because they didn't get any." The Judge. Little Freddie (late to breakfast): "Papn, what is the difference between mo and those baked potatoes?" "Give it up, Freddie." "Why the potatoes early rose, and I didn't." Burlington Free Pres. A Brooklyn woman has been arrested, chnrged with stealing an accordion. A woman wicked enough to steal nn accor dion would do worse. She would even play on the diabolical instrument. Nor rititoicn Herald. A lady in Toronto got to laughing over some amusing incident and couldn't stop. Finally a doctor was called in, and he couldn't quiet her. As a last resort some one had to tell her that her back hair was coming down. Lowell Citizen. A preacher in Tennessee is known as the "satisfying preacher." Whenever a church began to get a little tired of their pastor, this man was sent for, and after hearing a sermon or two from him they were "satisfied" to keep tho pastor' they had. In Scandinavia mothers tako their in fants to church, closely swaddled . and wrapped in furs, and bury them in tho snowdrifts at tho door, leaving little holes for them to breathe through, when, from time to time, issues a superior article of ice scream. l(oeheter E.qre.i. The most humane woman this country has ever produced has just been discov ered. In the early part of the season she gave away her switch to bo tied to the abbreviated appendage of a bobtail horse, heroically parting with it rather thnn seo tho poor auimal postered by flics. Phila delphia News. "Well," said Amy; after patiently try ing for an hour to drown a worm in llorso creek, without being rewarded by even a nibble: "Well, fishing isn't what's cracked up to bo." "More slang!" exclaimed the high school girl; " you should say : 'Fishing is not pul verized according to tho original inten tion.' "Jhrriel: An attempt having been made to take a census of the females of Kurdistan, they rebelled, and 500 of them, assem bling, attacked tho soldiers who wera sent to aid tho enumerators, and put them to flight. Tho census had to bo suspended until the reinforcements could arrive. Tho census man should not have asked these ladies their ages without protection. Adelo is a splendid cook, but it is evi dent that she cannot content everybody and his father. The other evening madamo went into the kitchen and found tho gas stove lighted. "Why, Adcle, do you light your stove at this hour?" " But I have not put it out since morn ing." "Why, girl, aro you crazy?" "No, but madaiue is always complaining that I use too many matches." I'urii J'ajier. Secrets in Washington. Secrets are often valuable in AVashing ton. When the ways and means com mittee decided to increase tho tax on whisky to two dollars a gallon a number of fortunes are said to have been made within a small circle of men. In the dark days of 1HH4 a treasury clerk kept for twenty-four hours a secret known only to President Lincoln and Secretary Chase beside himself. When it. became olri cially known it sent gold Hying up, and the country was in dismay. It was a secret, too, that could have been passed on without harming the Union cause. It was simply a question of keeping faith till the time came. An hour alter the news broke the clerk fairly staggered under a terrific slap on the shoulder. He heard and saw a banker w horn he knew well. " You miserable fool !" cried tho banker, " I'd have given you one hun dred thousand dollars to have known thii twenty-four hours ago!" And the banker could have well afforded to do it. But the clerk had the satisfaction of knowing that he had done his duly, as many an other government oluccr bus dime under i 'i ' ij"-!. C'l'i of Icinptat ion. - - M-i.t!iitt.in
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers