Cljf crrci ilrysMirca in rriu.ifmvn incut witiriiT. i J. 13. WENK. Omoe la Bmonrbmigh & Co.'i Bulldin IILM GTHEET, - TI0NE3TA, PA, a-tcriMs, 91.S0 peii YicAn. No wilwrlpilnns received for a ghorUr period than three month. !..iTcsHiniloiicopoliritd from all partoof th country. No notice will betaken of anonymous HATE3 or ADVERTISING. Ore R'innre, one inch, one innertum... fl C ( tiie Square, one inch, one month 8 ft) ( tv.f Siiinre, ono inch, thrp moufhs. . . l OO ( ne Kciunre, one inch, one yofir..., .. .. K 00 Two S"re., one )enr H ft) ; yniirter Column, one year SOW Half Column, one yenr W on On Column, one year .....100 00 It;nl notice nt established rnte. MNrrintfe and dratb notices (rratis. All bilis for yearly advertisements collected ? quarterly. Temporary advortisemant must be iml in advance. Job work, cash on delivery. 0 ii VOL. XVI, NO. 31. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1883. $1.50 m ANNUM. AT THE MILL. Vhit did you see, my farmer t tiroy walla of wood and atone, A mill-wheel turning to grind your grist, And turning for that alone. You hear the mill-stone's murmur, Tbesjilvsh of the tumbling rill, As you plod with your oxen slowly dow l The aunny alopea of the hill. Tlie heavens are Wuo above you, There's win and shndo on the road; You touch the brindle I aoks of your team And reckon the ba.rs in the load. You dip the hoada of the illusion, And wonder that Ood should need To litkr the lli-Ma with tho staring blooms Of a stubborn itnd worthless weed. You're honest and true anil sturdy; Hero, give mo your brawny hand A singer of idle songs, I greet The farmer who tills tho land. I'lod homo with your print in the gloaming; Tbj baby crows at the gate, And over the hill by tho pasture bare The lowing cattle wait. What do I see, my farmer? The mill and the rill and the wheel, The moss on the shingles, the mold on the stones, And the floating mists of meat But the poet's vision is clearer, Kovoaling tho hidden things; I see tho the rivulet flow to the sea From cool, clear, woodland springs. I see the brown fields quicken With the green of tho growing wheat, . When the wallow's a-tilt at the bending eaves, And the breath of the morn Is sweet. I see the swaying roaieru In ileitis of the golden grain; And oxen that pant in tho summer sun Yoked to a loaded wain. I see white sails careening On tho opal-tinted sens, When the silvery sunlight glints the wavesi That are stirred by freshening breeze. I see the storm-rack gather, That blots out the evening star; And flung in the foam of a billow's crest, A drowned man lashed to a spar. I st e in the city's shadows A figure that creeps and scrawls "Give blood or bread," while the wine flows red And there's mirth in the city halls. I tee a rich man's darlings, As fresh as the rose's bloom, And the gaunt, white face of a little child, Dead, in a barren room. Plod home with your grist, my farmer, Nor heed how the wide world fares; The eyes that are clearest are saddest alway, With their burden of alien cares. Hushed is the mill stones murmur, The dripping wheal is still; And over the duky vale I hear The song of the whip-poor-will. Bugton Transcrip A TELEGRAM. K TELLING INCIDENT IN TUB LIFE OP JOHN MACKLEFKKSIl, " I didn't say a great mnny words," paid John Macklefresh, iii a slow, grind ing sort of way, " but I guess it'll cut." "I wish yo hadn't writsohnrd, John," euid his wife, piteously. " 'Twas nil (he worse for bein' so short. Your brothers and I don't never mean to believe that Samuel, meaut to cheat ye out o' that 200." k V " AVhat did he mean, then f" snapped her husband, fiercely, his square, dogged ; Vfhin in tho air as he combed his whiskers upward, a favorite action of his when ho felt particularly pugnacious. Sirs. Macklefresh turned one of the long stockings site was darning from heel to too and back again before she an swered : "Didn't mean nothin', husband," Bhe answered, softly. "We're all feller-mottles. Some of us is human, 'sometimoH. Thought he'd pay ye, 1 exc-ct when lie borryed it. Then hu couldn't, that's all." . "I dunno' anything about 'conldn'ts;' Iknow about 'didn't,' " said John Mackle fretih, doggedly, still combing that cr vcrse chin into the nir. "This I know, he's got the two hundred, ami I hain't, and I'll never " "Don't, John, dear," interposed his meek little wife. " Well, bein' a deacon and a " "Christian," suggested his wife, seeing be skipped that hard word. " I s'posc 1 can't say I won't forgive him. But they ain't no commands be tween tho leds of that air Hook about " " Twenty-live cents to pay," said a small, business-like voice at the door. Mrs. Macklefresh turned the rough, brown envelope over fearfully in her hands, trembling, as people do, at tele grams. I wonder if the telegraph boys ever get used to it. " Don't be bothering, Alice," said her husband, pushing her aside, not ungent ly, though his words were rough as usual. This is what he read when he had torn thin outlet at the end of tho envelope: " Your brother Samuel died this morn ing. Come tit once." Tho Western Union telegraph com pany has a good deal to answer for but then so have a great many other people. John Macklefresh did not swoon away on the doorstep, or throw up his hands with a piercing cry, or any of those things. He mechanically took out u quarter from his loose change pocket, careful even in this moment to count the pennies given in change, shut the door, Landed the dispatch to his wife, and walked away to the window. It was only his heart fainted. This, then, hud come to the man he hud said, but a mo ment ago, he would never -no, no, not that; he didn't wty that ---Alice, slopped him, you know. Beside, ho was a dea con and a Christian? Alice had said bo.' Uut then ho couldn't forget. That wns what ho was going to say when the door opened. Tho Bible don't ask thnt. Or, does it, when it speaks about God casting our Bins into the depths of tho ten behind his back remembering them no moro against us. Forget I What was there to forget f ITe had lent his own brother $200. Might have given it to him and never missod it. Under his remorseful eye his groat fields stretched away, white now with snow ' white as tho soul God had forgiven, but yellow enough he knew as summer came on, yellow as the gold they would bring to his pocket. Those few poor, pitiful hillsides of Samuel's! Why hadn't he ffiven it to him right out and saved hard eelings f There was Johnny (named for him) wanting to go to college ever since he was out of petticoats. Suppose he had given it to him. Misery misery of remembering un kindness when it is too late I And then that cut ting letter I Had it reached him before he died, or was it only his poor stricken brother's family that would read the brief harsh words t He turned to his wife, who sat holding the dreadful envelope, sad, but doubting if she would be wise to speak yet to him. " Get your things on, ' will ye," he said, in a voice that sounded dry and harsh even to himself. "I'll be round with old Billy to tho front door. Wrap up warm and tako a soapstone. I'll have tho buffaloes. It's mortal cold." She was ready and waiting when he brought Billy around. The house could tako care of itself. She locked it. They had some sixty miles to ride. In tho course of it his tongue became some what loosed, and he told in broken and jerky sentences into her sympathetic ear what little of the chaotic grief and re morse ho was able to put into words. " My brother, after all. Used to play together when we was little. Hum, hum." A man grows very tender when he goes back to tho days when he was " little." "Bought mo a pair o' skates onco, when I wanted some. Older than mo Samuel was always a making mo kites and whistles and all seech rattle-traps. Never could seem to get along. Big family? Yes. I oughter to ha' helped him. Ain't a man livin' could scratch anything but moss off them rocks ho calls a" farm. I'll help the boys see if I don't." It was a long,' cold ride. Mrs. Mackle fresh wrapped tho but aloes higher and higher till at last she was quite extin guished in their folds, and her husband thought on drearily alone. Almost there. The house is in sight. A long, low, unpainted affair. The oldest inhabitant could not remember when its owner had had money enough to paint it. Hero at last. "Who-o-a, Billy 1 You remember the old hitching post though it is so long , since you've stopped at it. There hasn't been much visiting lately. Hcnicniber how brother used to rush out in his ' old blue coat, Alice, and " " Why, John 1 Why, John!" Mrs. Macklefresh rose up out of her enveloping furs like a startled Esquimaux. She pinched hor husband's arm hysteri cally, and ho in his turn rubbed his eyes half out at sight of tho apparition that confronted them. "Como in 1 como in!" it cried, cor dially. "You must be half frozen, both of you." " How do you como here ?" Baid John Macklefresh, fearfully, not stirriDg a step in answer to this invitation. "How do you come, I should say," returned brother Samuel, for it was he, ; blue coat, brass buttons and all. "Come, are you dead ? You act so." " No," broke in Mrs. John, who had found a tongue, "but we thought you were. It said so the telegraph did. We came up to the funeral !" And so, between hysterical tears and laughter and questions that nobody pre tended to answer, they unloaded and got into tho house. At least Mrs. John did. The two brothers sidled off behind the barn. There John got hold of brother Samuel's hand and shook it silently and solemnly, while the strong tears ran down both their rugged faces. Neither offered or asked explanations. In that moment their hearts spoke plainly enough. "This my 'brother' was dead and is alive again." In tho house they went to 'work more reasonably to unravel the mystery. Mrs. John showed them the telegram. "I see!" cried one of them with a sudden light, "there's a Samuel Mackle fresh down at tho Four Corners, and I did hear he was very low last week. He's got a brother John, too, but I didn't know he lived in your town. Now he won't get it. Ain't that too bad?" Two brothers now camo in wiping away surreptitious tears with their coat sleeves. They sat talking over tho curi ous event, when the village post came rattling by, tossing tho mail at them as they sat at the window. Some one rushed out to get it, but seized with a sudden impulse John Macklefresh dashed passctl him and secured it himself. Hastily glancing about him he stuffed one thin epistle into his own pocket. It was the "cutting" letter. " That'll keep to the day o' judgment," ho muttered, rejoicingly. "I'll write him a receipt in full for tho two hundred seein' I'm a deacon and a 'Christian.'" I'urtland l'rancript. The ashes of Columbus, which have been shifted about repeatedly, and are now in the cathedral of Bt. Domingo, are to be taken out of their resting-place und inclosed in a piate-glass urn. This urn is to hold the casket containing the ac tual ashes in such a munner that the rtinains will be plainly visible. I Mantles aro long and tight fitting. Small waists aro no longer fashionable Tho English turban is a very populai hat this season. Heads, wings, breasts and crests ol birds aro tho favorite ornaments for fall hats. A limited amount of gold tinsel ap pears in winter millinery and dress of iects. The size of tho tournure appears to bo regulated entirely by the fancy of the wearer. Wool batistes in ' checks and white and black mixtures will be much worn this fall. Grays, browns and indefinite shades of blue or blue-green bid fair to be very popular. Crushed strawberry has lost caste, shot-blue and plum color having taken its place. Dresses for autumn wear are largely made of checked surah silk and cash mere skirts. Wool dresses of beef-blood colot, braided with black, are favorites witk London ladies. Littlo girl bridemaids may wear pink or blue shoos and stockings to match their ribbons.' Torchon lace and Irish point embroid ery remain favorite trimmings for ladies' and children's underwear. Nobody wears artificial flowers now adays, but natural ones are employed for immenso corsage bouquets. Fichus of block Spanish net are still fashionable, but are worn moro especially over jerseys of dark blue and black. Dress sleeves are still worn so as to closely fit tho arm and are padded when "the arms are not plump and shapely. Delicate nun's gray kid sandals are worn wtyh homo toilets, over silk stock ings of pale lilac, black or dark red. ' ' Pigeon's throat, " ' 'watercress green, " "duck" and "duckling green" are counted with new shades wearing rural names. A novelty for quilted underskirts to bo worn next winter appears in tho shape of foulard silk, with a dark ground and tho pattern in bright colors. Rumor reaches America that tho most fashionable ladies of Paris are going from ono extreme to tho other in the matter of tho shape of tho sleeve, and that tho very close-fitting style will, in a measure at least, give way to a full flowing oae. Autumn mantles of a dressy style aro made either in the visite shape, with sash drapery in the back, on in modified Hubbard shape, these lined with deep Venetian red and trimmed with satin and lace, tho favorite material of the wrap being a fine quality of black vigogne. Half low bodices and short sleeves have reappeared, and for young girls charming at-home dresses are made of French gray wool, with square necks trimmed with black velvet and filled in with white muslin, and sleeves puffed over the elbows, a sort of "Marguerite " dress, which is simple, graceful, and generally becoming. Fine cloth shot with colored thread is the newest material for ladies' autumn suits. The bodice and tunic are of dark freen or brown, dashed with red or with lue, and the Scotch plaited skirt is ol stripes of the colors in tho upper parts. A crimson or blue waistcoat iuside this cloth bodice adds to its style and mar be made of cloth or of moire fastened by small, flat gold buttons like sequins. Small bonnets for autumn are called princess bonnets, because they are id favor with the Princess of Wales, who was brought up to make her own bonnets, and therefore likes simple shapes. For this reason milliners object to them, as ladies can make them without assistance, and have merely to cover them with folda on the crowns and put a pair of gentle gray doves on the left side, pierced by a silver dagger, which apparently holdi them in place. Making a Reputation Easily. Tho late Prof essor Moses Stuart Phelps used to tell this story with great gleo: In the days when ho was a graduate student at New Haven ho took a walk one morning with Professor Newton, who lwcs in the world of mathematics. Pro fessor Newton, as was his habit, started off on the discussion of an abstruse problem. As the professor went deeper and deeper, Mr. Phelps' mind wandered further and further from what was being said. At last Mr. Phelps' attention was called back to his companion by the professoi winding up with : "Which, vou see, gives us 'x.'" "Does it?" asked Mr. Phelps, think ing that in politeness ho ought to reply something. "Why, doesn't it?" excitedly exclaimed the professor, alarmed at the possibility of a flaw being detected in his calcula tions. Quickly his mind ran back over the work. There had, indeed, been a mistake. ""You are right, Mr. Phelps, you are right," almost shouted tho professor. "It doesn't give us 'x,' it gives us 'y.' And from that hour Professor Newtoa looked upon Mr. Phelps as a mathemati cal prodigy. He was tho first man w ho had ever caught the professor tripping. "And so," Mr. Phelps used often to add, with his own peculiar smile, in telling tho story, " I achieved a reputa tion for knowing a thing I hate. It's the way many reputations ure made in this superficial world." A Southern entertainment, is guessing at the seeds in a certain watermelon, una one contest in Knoxville received 4,703 gues; S"i0.,i ' TSui'tV-ci) different States, FASHION NOTES. A STRUGGLE WITH A FISH. ADVENTURE OF A SXOWHEQAJT ATHLETE AT THE SEASHORE. The AVager that lie Flarie with an Old . fisherman A Fish that Wouldn't He lAUrA. A Deer Island (lie.) letter to the New York Sun tells this humorous story of a young athlete's adventure 'with an elec tric fish: "You look like a likely hefter," said an old fisherman in oilskins, who was unloading a doryful of mackerel, to a lusty young man in knickerbockers and a white flannel shirt. "Yes," replied the young man; "I'm called pretty strong in the Skowhegan Athletic club." " Did you ever lift much fish?" asked the old fellow, throw ing a huge netful of tinkers on tho dock and looking his com panion over with a critical eye. " I never saw the fish I couldn't lift." The fisherman thrust his hand into his pocket, from which, after a violent strug gle and much invective, ho hauled out a very flat, light leather pocketbook that was closed with a strap and a piece of rope yarn. Ho took out a clean .ten-dollar bill and said: "I'm going on eighty ooo year old next muster day, but I'll bet ten dollars even you can't lift fish that I can." "Where's your fish?" asked Skow hegan. "Well, I'll tell you. Here's a fish," and ho poked among tho mackerel, and pointed to a large, solid, skate-like fish in the bottom of the dory. "Let's see; it's about five foot up to the dock. I'll bet you the ten dollars you can't toss the fish up there." "I don't want to take your money," replied tho young man, magnanimously, as a number of spectators drew around, "but if you've got half a dozen of the fish string 'em all together and give mo some thing worth doing. I've lifted 600 pounds before breakfast." "Oh, yes, I've heard on you," said the old man, somewhat warmly. "You're the man that ate a piece of rubber hose for breakfast and didn't find out it wasn't sausage till somebody told you. See that thumb nail?" he asked, holding up a curious-looking stub with a horny growth upon it. "Well, I sarved 'prentice once to a boxmaker, and used to put in all the screws with that nail and pull 'em out when they broke off with my teeth. You know me, and I'll stick to it that you can't heave the fish up to the dock, and there's the money." Tho Skowhegan athlete . thus1 called upon deposited $10 with the owner of the mackerel canning shop, who had joined the party, ami went down the ladder into the boat, while tho old fisher man climbed up on the dock to watch the feat. " Stand back there !" shouted the fish tosser, rolling up his sleeve. "This fish might hit you, old man, and knock some of the blow out of you." "Heave away," said the man in oil Bkins, tipping a wink at the crowd in general. The young man now stepped into the dory ana poked, away the tinkers (small mackerel) that were sliding about, Standing on the edge of the boat he stooped down, grasped the skato-like fish, and lifted, raising it about a foot. Then, uttering a yell, he staggered a moment and fell with a resounding splash into the water, nearly capsizing the boat in accomplishing tho feat, which was re ceived with shouts of laughter from the dock, the old fisherman fairly dancing a Hornpipe on trie rail. "What's tho matter with you?" he shouted, as the unfortunate athlete scrambled into the dory again, swearing like a pirate. "Trying to upset the boat, are you ?" " Who Btruck me ? Some one gave me a knock on the neck just as I was lift ing." "Nonsense," said some one in the crowd. " You wasn't touched." " I'll tako my oath I felt something hit me. If this is a skin game I want to know it." Bracing himself firmly in the boat he again grasped tho fish in both hands and raised it three feet, and then fish, athlete and all went over backward among the tinkers. Man, fish, oars awl balers were mixed up for a moment. At last the Skowhegan lifter made a break for the dock, und once upon it, sank down on a pile of boards. He was as whito as a sheet and covered with scales from head to foot. " Send for the apothecary," he gasped, as the men crowded round. "Why, what's tho matter with you?" "I've had a stroke," whispered tho victim. "The minute I stooped to lift I felt it a-runnin' all over mo. It's in our family, but I've got it bad," and here he rubbed his arms and legs. "It knocked mo clean off my feet," he added, " and my limbs felt like sticks. Send ;" but here a roar of laughter broke from the men, and one of them, seizing him by the arm, jerked him to his feet. " You're all right, my lad; only next time dou't go fooling around old Amos. He's a hard nut." "Here's your money sonny," said the old man, holding out tho bill, "you've earned it." "What do I mean?' he continued. " Why, jest this : You havn't had a shock of paralysis. You tried tew heft one of these torpedors. They'll knock a horse if you take 'em right." The athlete looked vacantly ahead, took back his money, and left amid the renewed laughter of the crowd. " He'll have a yarn to tell the fShowhc gan folks," said tho perpetrator of tho joke, " but I do hate to hear a man 'blow,' und thought I'd take him down. Injured? No, fcir-eo. He'll feel still for an hour or no, but it won't harm him. I've been struck by 'cm a hundred times, and it's no fun I can tell you. It's just like, being struck by u mild stroke of lightning. 1 don't generally touch 'em, but a niati gave me a dollar to fetch ono in, so I kept it in tho boat. They'll shock you right through the net. When I was hauling in the tinker seine this morning, I knew I had a shoekfish from the jerking of my arms. The shocks come right up the wet cording, so that sometimes you enn't hang on anyhow. I've seen a man who struck one with an iron harpoon, thinking it a skate, knocked down so quick ho never knew what hit him." The Bad Boy Gets a Black Eye. "Well, I see you have got another black eye," said tho grocery man to the bad boy, as he enme in with a kerosene can and sat down by a peach basket while the grocery man drew the kerosene. " How did you get it ? Have a fight, or did your pa knock you down with a chair ?" " Got it trying to be angelic," said the boy, as he fumbled around the mosquito bar over the basket of peaches to see if there wasn't a place where a peach might fall out. "You know that blind woman that grinds the hand-organ down on the corner. Well, a person would think that a poor blind woman who has to support herself and five children grinding out the awfulest music ever was would bo the last person ill the world to have tricks played on her, but this morning I found a couple of dudes dropping lozen ges in the cigar box that is on her orge(n for pennies. The first time they dropped ' in one the old lady smiled and took it and eat it, and I wasn't very mad, 'cause I thought the dudes would surprise her by dropping in a five-dollar gold piece for a nickel, and make her feel good. But the next time they dropped in a cayenne pepper lozenger, and they got behind a peanut-stand to see how it worked. She bit it, and then she opened her mouth and blowed cold wind on her parched tongue, and I almost laffed at first, she made such a face, but when I see the tears begin to pour out of her poor old blind eyes, and roll down her withered cheeks, and she took the corner of her apron and wiped the tears away, as she stopped right in the middle of ' Annie Laurie,' and the organ drew a long breath, and when I looked at those two dudes laffing at her, I got crazy. Somehow I felt as though that poor old woman was my ma, and before I knew it, I jumped right in among those dudes, and knocked one of them through the peanut stand on the hot chestnut roaster, and I kicked the other where it hurt, and he ran, and the other one said : ' 'What you got to do about tho old woman, don't you know ' and I said she was a friend of mine, 'cause she was blind, and then tho Italian hit me in tho eye with a hard peach, and a policeman came along and the dude told him I was a terrier, and the policeman jerked my coat-collar off, but when I told him what it was all about, he gave me back my coat-collar and chased the dude, and the old lady thanked mo with her tremb ling lips that were smarting from the lozenger, and I went home to get my collar sewed on, and pa was going to take it out of my hide. I guess if I hadn't told him about tho blind woman, ho would have been kicking me yet. Sometimes I think it don't pay to bo too good. For instance, now in this row, all the friend I have got is this blind woman, and she will not know me when she sees me. Tho two dudes and tho Italian will lay for me, and the policeman will, very likely, be told by the dudo that it was me who fired the lozenger in there, and I have got to wear this black eye for two weeks, just for having a heart in me.- Do you think it pays to be good, or didn't you ever try it ?" "You bet it pays," said tho grocery man, as he stuck the nozzle of the kero sene can into a potato, and ripped off tho mosquito bar and told the boy to help himself to peaches. ' You have got a friend in me, and you can call on mo for a certificate of character at any time. A boy that protects tho poor and unfortu nate is a thoroughbred, if he does get a black eye occasionally." Mihcaukee Sun. On "Letting It Alone." There is nothing in which men do more wisely, when they agreo to act upon tho principle of letting things alone, than when they apply this rule to the slanders and misrepresentations which are directed against themselves. If only they can possess their souls in patience, and sit down in quietness and self-control when they aro misunderstood or misrep resented, they may rest assured that they will gain a much more certain and easy victory than if they insist upon doing battle with all whom they regard as theii enemies. Tho truth is great, and it will prevail, says an old Latin proverb. One may go further and say that, after all, the truth hardly needs to be helped by us. It will make its way by its own weight; it will prevail by reason of its own strength. So when the angry storm of slander rages, when jealousy has be gotten fierce and bitter passions, which in their turn have armed themselves with the cruel weapons of falsehood and malice, the wise man will learn tho wis dom of letting things ulone. Let tho storm blow past ; but do not bruise your self in fruitless attempts to hurl back the remorseless blast. Leave it alone, and it will shriek around you harmlessly, and by-aud-bye tho hurricane will have blown itself out, and you will be exactly where you were before it began to rise that is, provided you liavo the wisdom to let it alone. Taking It Out In Trade. " Doctor," said a man to his physician, who had just presented a bill of $50 for treatment during a recent illness, "I have not much ready money. Will you not take this out in trade?" "Oh, yes," cheerfully answered the doctor; "I think hat we can arrange that but whut is your business?" " I am a cornet player," was tho start ling reply. Jlarer'n Jlatar, IN ' THE CYCLONE BELT. . To wake at morn, and thank Uib night; To sleep at eve, and bless the tl.iy ; To fool, on storm-awept cheeks, the gray And ashen signet of fierce fright; This is the lot of those who wait In storm-cursed lands the tempest's fate. The torrid heat of summer day An fey terror is to him Who sees, on far horizon's rim, Piled high, the thunder's banks of fray; While wandering broaths of vagrant air Seem like the music of despair 1 Plenty and peace and youth and hope One hour; tho next, the whirling blast AVith death and want, when it is pat, Maimed forms through toar-wet ruins grope Scarce time for love to gasp, " Good-bye," And after that Eternity 1 Clarence M. VoulelU. HCMOIl OF THE DAT.- If you want to experiment on the ad- hesiveness of affection, endeavor to di vorce a lazy boy from a warm bed on a cold winter morning. Breckinridge Netea. Professor (looking at his watch): "As we have a few minutes, I shall be glad to answer any question that any one may wish to ask." Student ""What time is . it, please?" During a recent storm off the North Carolina coast the wind blew eighty-one miles an hour. This nearly beats tho best time made by auctioneers and stump speakers. Detroit Jmirnal. Neighbor "Your family looks con tented and happy. " Mother--" Yes ; tho' boys are happy because they are through with their whipping, and tho girls are happy because they didn't get any." The Judge. Little Freddie (late to breakfast): "Papa, what is tho difference between mo and those baked potatoes ?" " Give it up, Freddie." "Why the potatoes early rose, and I didn't." ? Burlington Free lres. A Brooklyn woman has been arrested, charged with stealing an accordion. A woman wicked enough to steal on accor dion would do worse. She would even play on the diabolical instrument. Nor risUnen Uerald. A lady in Toronto got to laughing over some amusing incident and couldn't stop. Finally a doctor was called in, and ho couldn't quiet her. As a last resort some one had to tell her that her bock hair was coming down. Lowell Citizen. . A preacher in Tennessee is known as the " satisfying preacher." AVhenever a church began to get a little tired of their Jiastor, this man was sent for, and after learing a sermon or two from luni they were " satisfied" to keep the pastor they had. In Scandinavia mothers take their in fants to church, closely swaddled . and wrapped in furs, and bury them in tho snowdrifts at tho door, leaving littlo holes for them to breathe through, when, from time to time, issues a superior article of ice scream. Rochester Ksjirena. Tho most humane woman this country has ever produced has just been discov ered. In the early part of the season she gave away her switch to bo tied to the abbreviated appendage of a bobtail horse, heroically parting with it rather than see the poor animal pestered by flies. 1'hiia delpnia Kcu:. " Well," said Amy, after patiently.try ing for an hour to drown 'a worm in Horse ' creek, without being rewarded by even a nibble: "Well, fishing isa't what's cracked up to be." "More slang!" exclaimed the high school girl; " you should say : 'Fishing is not pul verized according to tho original inten tion.' "JJtrrrkk. An attempt having been made to take a census of the females of Kurdistan, they rebelled, and 500 of them, assem bling, attacked tho soldiers who were sent to aid tho enumerators, and put them to flight. Tho census had to bo suspended until the reinforcements could arrive. Tho census man should not have asked these ladies their ages without protection. Adclo is a splendid cook, but it is evi dent that shu cannot content everybody and his father. The other evening madame went into the kitchen and found tho gas stove lighted. "Why, A dole, do you light your stove at this hour?" " But I have not put it out niueo morn ing." "Why, girl, aro you crazy!'' "No, but madame is always complaining that I use too many matches." J'arU Bajter. ' Secrets In Washington. Secrets are often valuable in Washing ton. When the ways and means com mitteo decided to increase tho tax ou whisky to two dollars a gallon a number of fortunes are said to have been made within a small circle of men. In tho dark days of 1804 a treasury clerk kept for twenty-four hours a secret known only to President Lincoln and Secretary Chase beside himself. When it became otli cially known it sent gold flying up, and the country was in dismay, it was a secret, too, that could have been passed on without harming thu Union cause. It was simply a question of keeping faith till tho time came. An hour after the news broke the clerk fairly staggered under a terrific slap on the shoulder. He heard and saw a banker whom ho knew well. "You miserable fool !" cried tho banker, "I'd have given you one hun dred thousand dollars tohuve known this twenty-four hours ago!" And tho banker could havo well afforded to do it. Hut the clerk had the sat isfact iou of know ing that he hud done hi dul y, as many an other government oliiecr has dune under rirruiiihtaiu'cs of teinptat ion. - .( ..';. .V'""j'"''i
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers