Tiro Forest Republican Is pnbllshod tvary Wedaosday, hf J. Em WENK. Offioa In Smearbaogh ft Co.'t Building ELM BTBEET, TIONF.ST1, PA. Terms, ll.ooPct Year, No snbsorlptloni received for a shorter period than tnree month. Correspondence solinlts.l from all parts of 111 oounlry. Mo nollo will be taken of Koonymout oommunlo.itlona. RATES OP ADVERTISING! One Square, one inch, on insertion.. f 100 One J-'qnsre, one Inch, one m-nth. 8 00 One f quare. one inch, tliree month.. . ft "0 One c'qiiare, on inch, one ear 10 u) 1 iro Squares, one yeir 1 " no Quarter Column, one year .lion alf Column, one year... .... .VI 00 One Column, one year I'W 'XI Leeal advertisements ten oents per lln. each insertion. Marriages and deith notice. gratis. All billstor yearly advertisement, collected quarterly Temporary advertisement, must be paid in advance. Job work cash on deliver. Fore LICAN. VOL. XXX. NO. 49. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY. MARCH 23. 1898. S1.00 PER ANNUM. REPUB of mora than any The report of the Free Publio Li. brary Commission of Massachusetts says that only three-fifths of one pet cent, of the people of the State are withont tho benefits of frce-publio libraries. Bays the Watchman: "We are in formed by ono of our most honored pastors in Providence, R. I., that at a recent evangelistic meeting in that city the Rev. Henry Valley declared that the American Republic was going to ruin because it is notfouuded on Scrip tural principles, since the Bible teaches that a monarchy is the trne form of human government. This is pretty strong doctrine for an Englishman to preach to an American audience." Admiral Thomas C. Selfridge has just been placed on the retired list of the United States Navy, and the event is, in a measure, unique in the history of that branch of the service, inasmuch as the Admiral's father is already on the retirod list. He was retired in 1 806, after thirty-six and one-half years of service. ' His name now heads the column of tho retired officers of the navy. His sou has seen forty-five years of service. Thero is no similar instance on record. After twenty yearsif legal fighting, mainly in the Federal courts, a Leav enworth (Kan.) woman, who was bound to recover the insurance on her husband's life, got the State adminis tration to buck her in a suit in the Kansas State courts, and at last se curod $22,100, which included inter est on the policies of one company. Of this sum the lawyers got half, un. der the original contract made when the suit was first instituted. During tho pendency of the suit the woman married again. She says that thi. com pany from which she recoveied had beon "sandbagged" by itsown Kansas attorneys. She expeots now that other ooinpauies concerned will pay up. The Chicago Tribune says: In in itiating steps for the transfer of the Erie Canal to the general government the State of New York very distinctly indicates that it has found the canal a very large "elephant" on its hands, which it is anxious to dispose of on the most favorable terms. One reason for this action is undoubtedly to be fonnd in the fact that within the past few years $9,000,000 has been expend ed on tho enlargement of the canal, and now $7,000,000 more is needed to complete the . work. In the earlier stages of its history the canal was of inestimable value to the trade of New York and tho Western States, es pecially those adjacent to the great lakes, but the multiplication of rail way lines throughout all this region has diminished its value for commer cial purposes. The only reasons whioh could justify tho general gov ernment iu assuming responsibility for this work would be the enlarge ment of the canal so as to make it possible to transfer Americau nava' cruisers from the Atlantio to the lakes in case of war. Such a work would, at least for the present, put a quietus on the project for the construction of a ship canal from Lake Ontario to tidewater on the Hudson. , The circulation of the Bible iu this country is enormous, steady, and constantly increases, observes Harper's Weekly. Of Bibles and Testaments the American Bible Society annually sells or gives away about a million and a half, the International Bible Agency sells about half a million, and other large concerns, of which there are four or five in New York alone, circulate a great many more. With such a distribution as that in constant operation one would think the demand would presently be supplied, but that is not the experience of dealers. They say the demand increases all the time. That muBt be because two or three million new citizens are born every year iu the United States, and a large proportion of them presently get new Bibles. The idea of starting a new citizen iu life with a seooud-hand Bible is not popular. "New boy (or new girl), new book," is the rule, and tolerably fortunate children have a fair collection before they have grown up. A moderate allowance of the sacred writings for one American citi--.jU includes one family Bible that belonged to parents: one family Bible for one's own family; one Testament in large priut used in childhood; one convenient Bible presented by mother; one Bible in flexible covers uubse queutly obtaiued; at least one obso lete Bible ooutttiuiug the Apocrypha; one Testament, revised version; the Book of Psalms separate; a few Bibles to be kept in church; an office Bible; and perhaps others. ., Brooklyn is the centre healthy "pood roads" talk other city iu the country. THE CLOUDS The city Is full of labor And struggle and strife and care, Tbe fever-pulse of the city Is throbbing In nil the air; But calm through the sunlit spaces. And calm through tbe starlit sky. Forever, over the city. The clouds of God go liy. The city Is full of passion And shame and anger and sin, Of benrts tlint are dark with evil, Of souls that are Mack within; But wnlte ns the robes of angels, As pure through the wind-swept eky, Forever, over the city, xue oiouas oi uoa go by. Itobert THREE CL0VERHEADS, 13y LOUISE T was Sunday afternoon, and it was raining. The great drops splashed vigor ously against the window-panes of John Powel'a room and dis turbed the occu pant,who locked tip from the book he was reading and then rose with a yawn. He wus not particularly fond of rainy Sunday afternoons, but he walked across the room to the window and stood gazing out with apparent interest. The streets were deserted except for a few pedestrians hurrying to the corners to catch the cars; but the street-cars coming in from the parks were orowd ed, for earlier in the day the weather had been beautiful. It was warm for the first of February; the rain, indeed, was similar to a summer shower. Small torrents rushed madly along the pavements, the window-panes rattled vehemently, and then suddenly there was a silence and up above the oppo site house-tops stretched the varie gated ribbon iu the sky. John Powel's lips parted in a smile as he thought of the pot of gold away off at the end of the rainbow and of various other things connected there with. Years ago, very long ago it seemed to "him, he had lived out iu the country in a weather-board house situated on a grassy hillside. Now he was a floor-walker in the great dry goods store of Jones & Cashall. The yonng fellow had a good mind, yon could tell by the expression of his eyes, and that he was resolute and true showed in his firmly set lips; in fact, his whole appearance indicated the man destined to succeed, one who honorably would hold an honorable position in life. With the sudden sunshine and the rainbow, a third beautiful thiug made its appearance, a flock of white pigeons circled about in the dazzling glory, and then settled tumultously upon the window-ledge, whereupon John Powel threw up the sash with a rap turous welcome. In a little while lie was scattering a liberal repast among his greedy friends. That house on the green' hillside brought to the young man's miud to gether with the pot of gold, did not vanish as he called the pigeons by names of his own choosing. But he no longer wished to live in the coun try; he had ambitious dreams connect ed with the firm of Jones & Cashall; there was one thing, however, that he wanted above all others, and that was a home. Tbij room was the place where he stopped his lodging; three blocks away was the place where he ate his meals, his diuing-room. He felt his hotnelessness and .loneliness very mil oh as he fed the pigeons, while tbe variegated ribbon gradually faded out in the sky. John Powel bad told himself time and agaiu that it was a good idea for a mau situated as he was situated to marry. He was well able to marry; a home was a sure thing to keep a mau steady and industrious; it gave him the greatest possible interest in life. "I am certain that Miss Rosie is everything that a man could wish. Isn't she, Snowdrop," he asked, gen tly caressing the friendliest of the pigeons. She has made that third story of tbe corner house around yon der a heme for herself and her mother. All of its windows are hanging with bloom; her canaries hop about on the cage and take flies in the sunshine, but never dream of deserting; aud you pigeons, you look upon her as the per fection of the good and beautiful, I know you do." He gave a half-troubled sigh. . He did not want to make a mistake where such a momentous thing as marriage was concerned; he wanted to marry a woman as good as his mother. "Yes, I like the other little girl, too," he acknowledged, while a warm glow crept into his cheeks; "but I'm sure she wouldn't do. She's spent years of her life be hind a ribbon counter; she's awfully delicate-looking to work as hard as she does; but she's fond of dress and gayety; too fond of dress to begin life with a poor mau. But Miss Kosie is all right; isn't she, Snow drop?" Snowdrop cooed. "She is a good daughter, and she will make a good wife, eh, Snowdrop? The man who gets her will be a luoky fellow, will he not?" Again the bird cooed. "I wonder who will get the other one!" said the young fellow, still speaking to the .bird. "Of course he won't be lucky, but he'll think he is. She's never late at the store, aud she never complains of the headanhe like the other girls, though I'm sure she has it sometimes. Yes, marriage is a lottery. I daresay the mau who mar OF COD. The city Is (nil of sorrow And tears that are shed In vnln; Oy day and liy night there rises The voice ot Its grief nud pain. But soft as a benediction, They bend from the vault on high, And over the sorrowful city, Tho clouds of Uod go liy. O eyes that aro old with vigil! O eyes lint aro dim with tenrs! Look up from the pnth of sorrow, That measures itself In years, And read In the blue above vou The pence that Is ever nigh, While over the troubled city l lie ciouus of uod go by. Clarkson Tongue, In Youth's Companion. R. F1AKER. mi ries our Miss Merrimau will be of the opinion that he has drawn a prize." Snowdrop gave a peck at her friend's finger and flew away in the wake of the flock, and John Powel drew down the sash aud went back to the table and resumed his ch''r. But there was still an attraction remaining on the windowsill, a box filled with some thing green aud growing. From among the green divided leaves arose the red buds of the clover soon to blossom. "They look as if they had been grown in tho far pasture," said John, full of his home-longing; and then he set himself to wondering what Miss Rosie was like. Mrs. Clarke, his landlady, knew the girl and was not at all averse to singing her praises; he had heard them on the stairs, he had heard them in the hallway, he had heard them at the doorway of his room. The children in the street knew Miss Rosie and Miss Rosie's pigeons, aud once in a while he saw some small mortal tenderly carrying a bunch of Miss Rosie's flowers. His landlady talked to him as if he, also, were well acquaiuted with Miss Rosie, and as if he did not fully appreciate her; every now and then she asked him to pay an evening call to that flower-bedecked home in the third story of the corner house; but he had always refused. He did not listen at all eagerly to the praises that she saug on the stairway and down in the hall and even at the threshold of his room, yet he remembered and treasured every word of them. He laughed feebly as he thought of all this. He was in love with Miss Rosie and he had never seen her. What would Mrs. Clarke say if she knew that he wrote notes to the girl? The red color deepened in his cheeks and spread over his whole faoe. Yes, he did write notes to her; very unsentimental notes, to be sure; but they meant more than they said, and he tied them under the wing of Snow drop and addressed them to no name. He began neither with "Miss Rosie" nor "Dear Miss Rosie," he did not dare, he had never seen her; but he wrote, in his neatest handwriting, telling her the proper food for pigeons, and how to keep the birds in a healthy condition, explaining now and again that he had passed his boyhood in the couutry aud had always been interest ed in pigeon-raising. To these notes he signed his name in full, John Pow el; he did not wish the girl to think some foolish boys were meddling with her birds. And the girl wrote back to him; he smiled as he thought of that. Her notes were invariably the same, consisting of the words "Thank yon" and her name "Rosamond." John Powel rested his arms on the table, lost in a day-dream. It was a strauge thing that the eyes he pictured to himself as the kindest aud the tru est eyes a girl might possess, and, of course, "Miss Rosie" bad them, should be bo strangely familiar to him, aud the uose that he saw iu fancy he had also seen in fact. Those red lips, slight ly curved, those dimples in a small delicate faoe "Pshaw!" he cried out, "that isn't she at all; it's Miss Morri mau, and I'm not the kiud of a fellow to be in love with two girls!" Then he pictured in his mind a vague Miss Rosie and told himself emphati cally that she wus as good as any wo man living and would make a most ex cellent wife for a poor youug man who had hopes of future success and who loved a refined and pleasant home. Those red clover-heads would be iu full blossom by St. Valentine's Day. Well, he would send a bunch of them to this girl. After that he would pluck up his courage and ask Mrs. Clarke to tuke him around in the evening aud iutrodtice him. His landlady would be glad to do this, and she would be able to vouch for his industry and his future prospects. And after that? Why, after that it would all be plain sailing. The following morning John Powel walked to the store more rapidly than usual. He was feeling remarkably energetic and young aud strong and faithful. "Make up your mind, theu go ahead;" and he had quite made up his miud. He was sure that his mind was quite made up even when Miss Merrimau smiled pleasantly as she said "Good-morning." Tbe girl looked pale; she had in all probability brought a bad headache to the ribbou counter; but John Powel knew that she would nob complain. He told himself emphatically that it was ut terly impossible for miss Rosie to re semble Miss Merrimau; aud then he looked at the girl at the ribbou coun ter iu a calm and sensible manner. What did she know about the com forts of home? She had stood in a store for years. She had takeu from her.heud the very daintiest of hats. He knew something ubout the styles aud the cost of thing. Delicate, tasteful things cost money; aud Miss Merri mau's hat was both delicate aud taste ful. Miss Rosie made her own hats; I bis landlady bad told him that in the hall. Miss Merriman was dressed bet ter than the other girls. He had often heard that store girls became exorbi tantly fond of dress and the fashions, and spent all their earnings upon adorning themselves. He acknowl edged that he liked to see a girl well dressed; yet he felt that it was very wrong for a girl to spend all her earn ings upon her dress. He had not the slightest intention of marrying an ex travagant woman. Miss Rosie made her own dresses; his landlady had told him that on the stairs. Now while Mrs. Clarke was full of praise of Miss Rosie and her birds and her flowers and her domestn and eco nomical ways, she laughed more than once over John Powel's box of clover. "There are whole fields full of it out in the country," sho said. "Why, if he must have flowers iu his window, didn't he get a pot of geraniums at the florist's?" But early on tho morning of the fourteenth Miss Rosie's pigeons flut tered about the box of full blooming clover-heads, and gave little pecks at the contents as if they fully apprecia ted country bloom. John Powel's hand shook nervously as he cut off the three finest clover heads and tiod them together; but he cried out "Pshawl" when ho grasped his pen to write and wrote firmly enough the words: "Wear these for me,' please. John Powel." He had never before written any thing like that to a girl. A strauge, pleasurable emotion took possession of him as he wrapped tho note about the stems of the clover-heads and carefully secured message and blos soms under the wing of Snowdrop. Half an hour later he caused Mrs. Clark to smile at him upon the stair when he asked her if she would take him that evening to call upon Miss Rosie. "To be sure," said the delighted landlady. "You young men, you ought to go to see the girls more than you do; the girls want some pleasure, too, after the day's work; but I tell Miss Rosie she works all the time, in the store aud at home, too." All the compiacency had deserted John Powel as he turned his back npon his smiling landlady and walked away from his lodging-house iu the direction opposite to the store. He wanted to think. Certainly he could have no objection to marrying a girl who worked in a store; moreover, a girl who worked both iu a store and at home in order to keep her mother comfortable; bnt there was a great bitterness upon him.: He had always considered himself a just man; yet he may, in his .thoughts, have wronged he girl who worked patiently day by day at tbe ribbon counter in the store of Jones & Cashall. What right had he to determine that a girl who worked in a store would not possess the quali ties suitable to make a home? How did he know that this girl who was never late at the store was not also a treasure in her home? How did he know that she, also, did not support a mother? He had called her extrava gant. Perhaps she fashioned her own hats and her own dresses! They would be beautiful and delicate if she had fashioned them. What pleasaut, honest eyes the girl had, what a true, sweet face! She was so little aud white; surely she must have a mother; that was why she never missed a day at the storv, never complained of a head ache. How proud her mother must be of her! He had reached one of the city parks, aud he sat down upon a bench and brought his hands to gether, acknowledging fiercely in his heart that he was a mau who was in love with two girls, a most detestable being. He felt, indeed, as if he were false to the girl whom he had known personally for the past three years. Ho had talked to her often; ho had let her know that he liked to talk to her. Did she, iu turn, like to talk to him? He gronued audibly. To Miss Rosie he had never spoken, bnt he had sent her written messages. He had seen Miss Rosie's written "Thauk you," but he had heard the other girl's. What a sweet musical voice she had! He had been unfair to the little girl bohiud the counter. He bad fallen in love with Miss Rosie's home and Miss Rosie's pigeons before he ever thought of Miss Rosie herself; but he had never made himself ac quaiuted with the other girl's home. Suppose he had done so? Suppose he hud fouud it meager and plain; suppose it had been a bare room iu a lodging-house aud that she had got her meals several blocks away at a diuing-room. A mist swept before his , eyes. He would like to have taken her away from it; a girl with a face like that, with a gentle voice like that, with such grit aud industry, ought to be given the chauce to make a true home. The poor fellow started and stared into vacancy. He had sent a valen tine to the wrong girl. He had asked her to wear the red clover-heads. There was no going back after that. In the evening his laudlady would accompany him to the home in the third story of that corner house, aud he would make his best bew, and after that it would all be plain sailing. John Powel took out his watch and looked at it and rose hurriedly. For the first time during his engagement at the store he would bo lute. He laughed iu a light-hearted way. He had never kuowu Miss Merrimau to be late. He was twenty minutes behind time on this nioruiug of the settling of his fate twenty minutes by the store clock. He was about to pass the ribbou counter without his customary "Good morning," for he felt as if he could not meet Miss Merriman's smiling eyes. She must know thut he hud liked to talk to her. What would she think when she learned tLat he was goiug to be married? Then there came to him a sort of pity for the other girl and a feeling that he was false to her as well, and he turned toward the ribbon counter and bowed. Then suddenly, like a flash, a great pleasure came into bis face and he held out his hand, saying s name so low that no one heard except the girl who blushed and smiled as he took her little fingers into his clasp. On Miss Merrimsn's bosom, pinned with a bow of pink ribbon, were the three clover-heads. John Powel was never so glad of anything iu all his life. New York Independent. SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL. The lightest known sjlid is the pith of the sunflower. A Cornell professor claims to have discovered that the original function of the brain was smelling, and that thinking was a later development. A German goldsmith's journal states that nickel surfaces may be readily cleansed of tho spots which frequently appear upon them by the application of a mixture of 1 part of sulphuric acid aud 50 parts of alcohol. Messrs Merry weather, of Greenwich, England, have introduced a fire ex tinguisher working by electricity. The pump is driven by an electrio motor connected to the etectrio light ing wires of the premises, and all the operator has to do is to direct the hose on the fl imes. "Floating bogs" are found in the Lake of the Woods and other-Vater of Minnesota. The bogs nourish a large number of plants, shrubs, and even small trees, as well as little animals. They drift about with the winds, and sometimes get caught in sheltered coves, where they remain and become fixed to the bottom. Here is the plan pursued by an optician when he wishes to bore holes in glass: A drill borer heated to a white heat is dipped into quicksilver, whereby it is excellently hardened, and sharpened by grinding on a whet stone. If the drill thus prepared is moistened with a saturated solution of camphor and oil of turpentine and the bore hole is kept rather moist, glass may be drilled like wood. Contracts have been signed by which 150,000 acres of land near Chico, Marysville, and Red Bluff, Cal., have been secured for beet sngar culture, and the work of erecting three im mense sugar manufactories will be started at once. The syndicate has a capital of $15,000,000, Foreign capital has been enlisted in the enter prise, an agent of the syndicate being in Europe at the present time. Russia. Adamle.. Eden. While Russia does not take rank as thoroughly up to date and progres sive in all lines, it will surprise many people to learn that there is in that couu try a district whicL is wholly admin istered aud for the greater part of the year exclusively inhabited by the fair sex. It eomprisen some fifteen square miles in the prcvinco of Smolensk. In the early spring all the able-bodied males emigrate in search of work to the large towns, and remain absent for nine months or more, leaving their wives and daughters to cultivate the fields, and manage local affairs gen erally under the presidency of a Mayoress. Before nightfall tbe women are said to assemble in a sort of club house and piny cards till 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning. Moreover, against the returu of the men folk they brew quantities of brago, or small beer, and cook numbers of pirogbis, or patties. This Adamless Edeu is one of tho most prosperous and best conducted portions of the Empire, aud the Czarina takes a strong interest in its welfare. 61ot Machine That Dispense. Food. In commenting on the automatic hot water supply now furnished in certaiu parts of Loudon by dropping a penny in a slot machine attached to a lamp post, the London Telegraph suggested that food may soon be supplied in tbe same way, whereupon a correspondent writes: "It may interest some of your readers to know that the problem is al ready solved, aud that iu the exhibition grounds at Brussels there is a cafe which provides hot and cold luncheons entirely by the automatic method, aud I can say from experience that they are very good. By placing a franc iu the slot a chop or steak with potutoes can be procured, hot and well cooked; another franc will produce a hulf bot tle of wine; half a frauo will supply a plate of cold meat, with salad aud roll, and a nickel of ten centimes will ex tract a piece of bread and butter und cheese or a brioche. Besides all this, a nickel will draw an excellent glass of hock from one of tbe two large vossels in the centre of the cafe." Hone.' Mane. For I'pholsterlug. Three hundred bales of horses' manes and tails, to be used for up holstering furniture, have been land ed at Philadelphia by the British steamships Maiue and Michigan from London. They come from far-away Siberia, and are takeu from horses used by the Cossacks after the ani mals have outlived their usefulness. Horees are cheap iu Russiu, and after having seen better days their muues and tuils are the only things left of a commercial value. Very ofteu these hirsute appendages are tukuu from sound animals, and the beasts left to their fate. Here the upholsterers use the hair for stufliug chuir backs aud other articles of furniture, and the material from Russia brings the Vest price, because the huir is the longest, and consequently the best. Wheu Ml Hid Not Menu Not. A man persisted iu answering "Nit" the other duy iu a Buffalo (N. Y.) Po lioe Court to the questions concerning his uuiue. It finally appeared thut the prisoner's name was Herman Nit, uud the magistrate cooled down uuuiu, THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THF FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Flexibility of Fngllah That' Different A Mnalcal Phenomenon Not Time to Develop Indignant Cnnstltnrnt An Action Appealing to the Kecnrd, Ktc "Yes," ho cried, "I'm aolork! And It Is, f suspect, My voention, proud maiden, to which you object." "Oh, no. Mr. Frump!" And she shook tier fair head. "I simply ohjoct to yourcalling," she said. Chlcngo Tribune. A Mn.lrnl Phenomenon. "And what did you think of my operetta, Herr Director?" "Alas! So young a man to produce such old melodies!" Fliegende Blaet tor. Not Time to Develop. Jones "Why, Bridget, this is a very small egg!" Bridget "Sure, sir, it was just laid this morning." Detroit Free Press, That'. Different. He "Darling, I have made a great fool of myself." She "I'm aware of the fact." He "Oh, you me? Good night." Detroit Free Tress. Analyzing n Metaphor. "I wonder," said Mrs. Meek ton, "why they say that silence is golden." "I guess," replied her husband, very unguardedly, "it must be 'cause gold is so hard to get Bomotimes." Washington Star. All Action. The English Dowager "So your husband, the Duke, doesn't love you? What are yon going to do about it?" Americau Heiress "Sue him foi obtaining money nndcr false pro tenses." Town Topics. In the West. First Citizen "Pete is getting to have a lot of new-fangled notions." Second Citizen "What's tho lat est?" First Citizen "He nays he has a prejudice ag'in lynchin' a mau ou cir cumstantial evidence." Pnck. Declined With Thanks. Mr. Oldboy "Miss Younger Clara from our first meeting I have loved yon. May I hope that you will returu my love?" Miss Younger "Certainly, Mr. Oldboy; I'll return it with pleasure; 1 haven't any earthly use for it." Chi cago Daily News. Indlgnnnt Const Itnent. Iudignant Constituent "The peo ple are getting roused, sir! Your day is coining! If you look, sir, you cau see the handwriting ou the wall!" Boodle Alderman "I don't give a blame for no haudwritiu' on walls. De fellies dat's pulliu' fur me don't read." Chicago Tribune. Quick Lunches. Impatient Customer "I thought you advertised quick lunches. I've beon waiting for mine for nearly half an hour. Waiter "It do take a little time to get 'em up, boss, but it'll go quick enough after you gits it. Dey ain't de kiud dat last long." Cincinnati Enquirer. A Foolish Answer. She "Don't you think Mrs. Waps ley is a beautiful woman?" He "She is a beautiful woman the most beautiful woman, I think, that I have ever seen." She (after he has gone) "I wondet if he has always been such a fool or whether it has just begun to grow ou him lately." Cleveland Leader. Worth While to Know film. Salesman "You are tbe lady, I ho lieve, who purchased the cook book? Will you take this card, please?" Lady-" 'Dr. Pilton.' Why do you give me this card?" Salesman "We always give one ol his cards to a purchaser of 'Ovener'a Cook Book.' He is very successful iu indigestion." Boston Journal. Appealing to the Itecord. He "I'm tired of bearing about womau being the 'better half.' Look at Evel She led Adam into sin. He never would have eaten tbe foibiddeu fruit if she hadn't eaten it first. How do you get around that?" SUe "The Bible suysthe Lord re pented that He had made man. He never repented having made woman. Get arouud that, will you?" Chicago Tribune. Heading Character. Dribbler "In my opinion, a man who writes an illegible band does it because he thinks people are willing to puzzle over it. In other words, h is a chunk of conceit." Scribbler "Not always. Some times a man writes illegibly, not be cause he is conceited, but because hi' is modest," Dribbler "Modest! What about?' Scribbler "About his spelling. New York Weekly. Overdone ou til. Pyramid. The cyclist and his cycling bride, who were making a tour of Egypt, stood on top of the great pyramid uud for some moments contemplated in silence the historic landscape. Then tho young man spoke. Stretching out his builds he uttered Nupoluon's memorable words: " 'Soldiers, forty reuturies are looking down upon you!'" "Why, no, dear," simpered the lovely bride, "I've only done thir teen." Chicago Tribuue. Curious Hooks. Ill tbe British Museum there are books written on bricks, oyster shells, bones and Hat stones, uny manuscripts ou burk, ivory, leatut-r, lead, iron, popper aud wood. 'SUCCESS. Our life Is a blessing, or curse, as wo make it. In spite of surroundings, we rise If we will: The power Is given If only we'll take It, Tbe mountains to level tho valleys to nn. Somestnudnt tho bottom no friends and no money. Their lot ! a hard one, but upward they'll rise If firm In their purpose. Tho milk and tha honey Will fall to their portion, as food from the skies. Our blessings avnll not, if purpose is lack, lug; Huecess is not won by a wish or a drenml Hard work and persistence with these for a backing, One never Is helpless, to drift on the stream. Then shrink not from labor; with willing bund" tnke It; No drone ever conquered the Ills of this life. Tske labor with gladness; a stepping-stone make It Successes will sweeten the toll and the strife. .I.M. Morse, in Huecess. HUMOR OF THE DAY. Some people are like weeds, always showing up where they nre not want ed. Atchison Globe. "Is your wife iiterory?" "Yes; every timo I step out of tho houso at night sho soys, 'Quo Vadis?' " Chicago Record. "Appearances are very deceptive," remarked the tenor. "Yes," replied the prima donna, "especially farewell appearances." Tit-Bits. Visitor to Jail "And how did you get here?" Confidence Man "They gave me five years just for attend, ing to my business." Puck. "What do yon suppose will come after the chainless wheel?" asked the man in the bicycle store. "Custom ers, I hope," was the dealer's reply. The Tramp "Can you tell me how can get some work, sir?" The Citi zen (crustily) "Yes; buy a bicycle, and try to keep it cleau!" Tit-Bits. "What is an infant prodigy, grand pa?" "An infant prodigy is a little boy who knows so much that he never has to ask questions." Chicago Record. Mamma "Isu't he a wonderful con tortionist?" Pepa "Yes; I wish I aonld do that." Mumma-"Why?" Papa "I think it might amuse the baby." ruck. "The Bea of matrimony which is not crossed in love," remarked the ob server of men and things, "is perhaps, after all, tbe surest not to be angry." Detroit Journal. Bridget (to cro3s-eyed clerk) "An nov yez aiiy frish eggs, Bor?" Clerk "Plenty. Just look this way, ma'am." Bridget (loftily) "Shnre, an' Oi'll not look that way if Oi niver hov any." Judge. "Of course a woman can'tell a funny story!" she exclaimed, iudignautly. "I never tried to tell one yet that all the men didn't get to laughing before I had more than started." Indianapolis Journal. First Citizen "Of course, a man is entitled to his opinion " Second Citizen "Of course, aud if he's a politician, he's entitled to as many kinds of opinion as he may need iu his business." Puck. "How many children have you? asked a constituent of his Congress man. "One." "My wife told me you had throe." "Oh, yes! There's the twins; but their paired, you know," Detroit Free Press. Ethel "Hove you noticed how Lord Slabsides drops his aspirates?" Penelope "Oh, but that's nothing to the way he drops his vowels papa says he has got more than a dozen of his i-o-u's." Judge. Tom "Ho you are going to marry Miss Rockingham, eh? I dou't see what you cau see to admire in a girl of that stripe." Jack "It isn't her stripe, but her father's check thut attracts mo." Chicago News. "Is your Bister at home, Willie?' asked Willie's sister's young man. "No; I heard her say she was engaged this afternoon but don't be fright ened; 1 don't think it's a marrying en gagement." Harper's Pazar. Dollie "I wonder why Love is represented always with wings?" Mollio "They are for him to use in flying ont of the window when Poverty comes iu at the door. Don't you kuow that much?" Cincinnati Enquirer, Old Lady "Didn't I tell you never to come here uguiu?" I'p-to-Date Tramp "I hope you will pardon me, niuduin, but it's the fault of my secre tury; he bus neglected to strike your name from my visiting list." Tit Bits. Professor Kuowull "Miss Vernon, what would you say if I were to toll you that vanity is but the looking glass that reflects imaginary virtues und conceals reul faults?" Miss Vernon (simply) "I should say you ought to know." Brooklyn Life. Mistress "Your ntiino is Maginuis, you say. Butwhut is your first uuuie?" Maid "Mem?" Mistress "Whut is your first mime? Mary, Bridget " Maid "It's me second name ye' J be after. Tb- is Mary. I wus a Ma ginhi.. I was u Mary, dou't ye moindV" ilohton Ti'unserip. Ethel "O Clarence! Do you reully mean what you say that you will do unything I ask of you?" Clarence Sophomore "Darling! you have beard me sweur it." Ethel "Then, dear est, please, please got yourself up pointed centre rush on the Yale foot bull team next your." Puck. Mr. Holme (third day out "Vera, I've heard it suid that if you will lie down with your head a little lower than your feet you will not suffer from seasickness." Mrs. Vera Selldoiu Holme (in despair) Henry, my feet have been higher thau my head every minute of the time since we cairn aboard!" Chicago Tribune.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers