1 !jf crrst ilfpbliffla J. E. WENK. Omoa ia Smefbugh A Co.'s Balldin ELM STREET, - TIONTJSTA, TA. TICI1MS, f 1.50 XKIt YEAIt No anbsorlritiona received for ft shoriaT period tlmn three month. Correspondence rolirlted from til part of U) country. No notice wid betaken of anonymous RATES OF ADVERTISING. One Smre, one Inch, one insertion... fl M One S'l'mre, one inch, one month (00 ( Mie Square, one inch, three month. . . 00 One Square, one inch, one yes .... M 00 Two Square, one year , 100 yunrter Column, one year 80 (4 llnlf Column, one year BO 60 Una Column, one year 100 09 trnl notices at established rata. Marrinijo ami death notices (rratis. All bills fur yearly advertisements collected quarterly. Temporary advertisements must be paid in advance. Job work, cash on delivery. (0 4 VOL. 171. NO. 36. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1883. $1.50 PER ANNUM. THE UNDERTOW, We gaze upon the sunlit t ea, But cannot scan the depths bolow, Nor dream how strong it pulse may bs, Until we fool lta undertow. We may know well a sunny fuco, But not the silent tido bnlowj The Inner grace we cimuit trow, We know not what the undertow. Our life in more than wo yet see; There still arc greater depths to know, The surface beautiful may bo, But grander is tho undertow. We cannot fat horn all the rtrlfe, The mysteries that round us flow: Wo only hav a faith In life, We only fe;d tho uudertjw. MG1I UNTO DEATH. i A CASE OP niKTMHTANTIAI, EVIDENCE. The warehouso of M. Justin Bertrund was situated on the Rue Madeleine. It was -supposed to be burglar proof, so, when M. licrtrand put up his shutters end went home, the safety of his poods troubled him but little It appears, how ever, that on the morning of February 15, 1840, as the watchman, uccompanied by a fellow ollicer wus passing, he noticed that one of the side shutters hud up- jircnt!y lx-cn removed. This aroused trie suspicions of the officers, and ad vancing a few steps he stumbled over the . bleeding and inanimate, form of a young man. At this moment two men rushed out of a rear door. Tho companion of the oflicer gave chase and succeeded in capturing one of the two who hud just " left in such great haste. Tho watchman then summoned assistance, and tho limp Wody of the young man was borne to the Palais do Justice. Further search revealed the, fact that M. Bert rand had , been murdered while, in his wurchonsc. When sufficiently restored to conscious ness tho young man, Henri Gourard by name, protested his innocence. His story was heurd, but not believed. " Alas!" ho exclaimed, " why did they not kill me, and save my mother this great sorrow?" The one captured by the watchman's companion, Kichet, an ex-galley slave, then told his story, on promise of being set at liberty. The three had put up a job to "gut" M. Bortrund's warehouse, boule, tho one who hud escaped, Gourard aud himself. They had entered tho place, and were . 'progressing admirably when u noise . startled them. It wti9 M. Uertrand, who Lad entered tho place to ascertain the cause of the shutters being down. As he approached o where the three were crouching Gourard struck him a tremend ous blow on tho head with a "jimmy," which felled him lifeless to the floor. Ap parently terrified at his ow n act, Gourard then rushed down stairs, and when ho reached the middle he stumbled, his head striking the corner of the counter. Ho fell senseless. They curried him from the, building, intending to convey him to a place'of secrecy. They had just reached tho street when they remembered that they had left something compromising behiniLind had gone in search of it when the olhTris arrived. The rest is known. GourariL was remanded to be ' fore tkjpresiding judge at tli ncux. He first, however, sent e tried bc- the Tribu- a letter to his mother informing her of his great trouble and assuring her of his inno cence. His mother, hastening to Paris, had secured tho service of one M. Belot to defend her son. The day of trial at length arrived. It hapiiened, however, thut on that very day a young lawyer, Pierre Gaston, was stopping in Paris awaiting the arrival of certain persona with whom he had important business. Not Laving anything to do he sought the court room for the purpose of passing the time in observing the proceedings of the court. His route led him by the jail where Gourard was incarcerated. Just before reaching tho grim recepticle of crimo and misery, two officers, having in charge a pule young man, apparently about twenty-one, came from the prison, stepped upon the wulk immediately in front of him, and moved in tho same direction he was going. M. Gaston had then an opportunity to observe the fea tures of the young prisoner. His features, his niunners, his respectable bearing, all struck the young lawyer favorably. The three persons walked with rapid strides toward the court house. They had pro ceeded but a short distance when they were met by a respectably-appearing woman of about forty years of age. The moment she saw him she sprang forward and clasped him in her arms, exclaiming: "Oh, Henri 1 Henri! My boy, my eon !" The sudden appearance of tho woman caused the officers to halt. "Mother, why did you not wait at the Court House for me?" said tho young man, endeavoring to smother his emo tions. "Because 1 did not see you there, Henri, and I thought perhaps you might not have your trial to-day ufter all, and so I started to see you ut the jail. Oh, my boy, my darling," said the wretched woman, her voice now broken with sobs, "are they going to try you to-day?" "Yes, mother, I um to be tried to day. But calm yourself. I trust all will be well with me, for God above knows that I am not guilty." Tho woman raising herself to her full height, with flashing eyes, answered : "You guilty, Henri! You guilty? Who dare accuse you?" Then hesitating, and seeming to realize the full situation of the wretched doom that threatened her son, she exclaimed ; "Oh, no, no! You are not guilty! You .cannot be, you are so good and true! There! there! 3s" ow you looked J'ust as you used to, when on your knees first taught you your little prayer in pur dear old" 'Come, come, old woman, stand aside and don't hinder us any Ionizer. Tho young man is wanted yonder," said ono of the officers, pointing toward the court house. "Oh, sir," said tho woman, "do you not seo that his injured thot is inno cent ? I know lie is!" "How do you know that? Mnybo you can swear for him," said tho omoer, Kruflly. " Because because I am his mother, and and I taught him his prayer, and " "Yes, ves. You ain't the first od woman who liuu a bad boy lor a son. Come on my covey. Monsieure lo Judgo will seo to that." Gaston's progress was arrested by this pathetic scene. Deeply touched oy tho appearance of tho mother and sou, ho followed them to the court house, just os they were about to ascend the steps that led to tho court house, the young man paused a moment. "Mother," said he, is " M. Belot going to undertake my'delenccf ' ".Not unless we pay him in advance, and and we have not got the money, you know." " Oh! God have mercy upon mc," ex claimed tho young man, completely breaking down. " What shall I do?" "Come along; don't stop to blubber here. The Court will appoint some ono to defend you." He was soon seated in tho prisoner's box to await the proceeding of Court. The young lawyer followed the officer into the court-room ond seated himself behind the bar. After scanning moro carefully the features of the prisoner, ho said to himself: "If that young man is guilty of any serious crime, then I am no judge of features." Presently the loud tap announced tho approach of Monsieur le Judge. " Ollicer," said the prosecuting lawyer, " is Henry Gourard in court?" "Ho is," was the reply. "lias the prisoner counsel?" asked the Judge. "No, Monsieur; I expected M. Belot to defend me, but he refuses now." "Why does ho refuse?" asked the Court. "Because I have no money to pay him," was tho reply. "Then, us you have no means to cm- loy counsel, the Court will sec that you lave counsel." The judge now addressed a respectably-appearing lawyer present, but he de clined under the plea that he had pressing business, The court then addressed several other lawyers, with tho same re sult. At this moment another lawyer entered to whom the judge said: " Monsieur Mordaunt, the court desires you to undertake the defense of Henri Gourard, the prisoner ut the bar." "Ah, yes; your Honor can always com mand my poor services; but in view of the prisoner's means I mean the nature of his great offense I think that he had better plead guilty and be done with it." A sob of deep, broken-hearted anguish resounded through the court room ; it was from the poor mother, who heard in this the knell of her son's doom. '' If the court please, I will undertake the defense of the young man," said M. Gaston, in a voice whose tones attracted the attentiou of every one in the court room. With some surprise at the youth of the young lawyer, the judge asked if he de sired assistance, to which Gaston replied that he would undertake the entire charge of the defense. The case was then adjourned one day to give M. Gaston an opportunity to con sult with the prisoner. The prisoner was the only son of the poor woman present, and she was a widow. A few days before the commis sion of tho crime with which he was charged, he came to Paris for the pur pose of obtaining employment. He soon made the acquaintance of a very friendly appearing man, who took much interest in him, und kindly offered to assist him iu obtaining employment. One evening he was invited by his friend to accom pauy him and examine some personal property he had in the Hue Madeleine in u certain building he had rented. Al though it was Ojuite late, Henri assented. On their way his friend overtook another person with whom he was acquainted, and whom he also invited. His friend now informed him that he greatly de sired to enter a building which he pointed out, saying thut was his store, but as he had forgotten his key he produced a small iron bar whifh he handed to Henri, telling him to pry open ono of tho shut ters. In a moment tho young man un derstood that ho was in the presence of burglars, und, horror-stricken at the thought, he attempted to run away; but ere he had made two steps ho received a heavy blow on the head which felled him to the earth insensible. When he returned to consciousness he was iu the office of monsieur, the examin ing magistrate. From tho testimony of Kichet he learned that the building had been broken open and entered, and that M. Bertrand, the proprietor, had been murdered. Of all that he knew abso lutely nothing. The friendly person whom he had started out with had made his escape, whilo Kichet had been captured. The next morning the trial began. The ex-galley slave repeated tho same story thut he had originally told. On the cross-examination by M. Gaston, how ever, at first he sustained himself but at length ho stumbled, hesitated, and be came confused, aud it was evident that his testimony was considerably shaken. Tho chief clerk of the murdered man was then put on tho stand, and to the ques tions put by M. Gaston, it was learned that no blood had been found on the floor below the ono where M. Bertrand's body was found, and where Kichet had testified that the prisoner had struck bin head on the counter, Tho officer who first discovered the prisoner testified that on the spot where Goururd's head rested there was a great pool of blood. M. Gaston then called tho surgeon, who testified that the wound on the head of Gourard could not have been made os Kichet had sworn that it was inflicted by a club or somo heavy instrument. With this evidence the young lawyer rcBtcd his case, and it went to tho jury. Tho jury retired, and after an hour's absence returned into the court-room with a verdict of not guilty. The great, tho rich reward of M. Gaston was the almost fruntic joy of the mother and son. "The God of the widow ond orphan has sent you to us, sir, in our distress, and his blessing will descend upon you through all your days." "Borne clay I shall reword you," said young Gourard. The glittering drops which stood in his eyes evidenced his great gratitude. And thus the mother aud sou took their leave of their generous benefactor. Years rolled on; tho coup d'etat of December 2, 1851, hud made and unmade many. M. Pierre Gaston had devoted all his energy and eloquence against the usurper. But like many others, he had been crushed. His great practice in the law, that he had been years building up, had been swept away, as had been his fortune and his friends. As he sat ono day in his own dingy office, pondering over his misfortunes and crowding his brain for some means to obtain a sufficient sum w ith which to start again in life for he was still a young man a gentlemanly appearing man entered. "Do you not remember mc, M. Gaston?" " I do not," was the reply. " My name is Gourard Henri Gourard whom you once defended on a serious charge in this city." Another glance at the visitor convinced Gaston that it was tho prisoner that he had defended years ago. Gourard then in a few words informed his benefactor that he wns a well-to-do merchant, that fortune had smiled udon him and given him prosperity. After conversing half an hour he rose to take his leave. "Here is a small package that my mother, my wife and myself have made up for you. Do not open it until I have left. I trust that it will convince you that my words to you have not been for gotten. May God bless joul Good bye." He was gone. With trembling hands M. Gaston opened tho package. It was with diffi culty that he could suppress his emotion. There, spread out on the table, were 5,000 francs. "This is, indeed, a rich reward. In turn I say, God bless the widow and or phan." With this small fortune M. Gaston soon built up his practice and regained his friends among whom he cherishes none dearer than Madame and Henri Gourard. Torpedoes. David Bushnell, of Connecticut, was the finst to introduce torpedo warfare on our side of the water. One of Ins earliest attempts was the famous "Battle of tho Kegs," when he cast adrift from Borden- town in 1777 a number of floating torpe does in the shape of kegs for the purpose of annoying the British shipping at Philadelphia. The effect of his exper iment, however, proved more amusing to the Americans than disastrous to the British. For the latter, fearing tho rapid formation of tho ice, had warped in their ships to the wharves, thii9 escaping Mr. Bushnell s unfriendly designs. I he kers were charged with gunpowder, and were to fire and explode by a spring-lock on touching the bottom of a vessel. One which was taken up by the crew of a bargo exploded, killing four of the men and wouuding the rest. The alarm of tho explosion set the whole city in commotion. Soldiers and sailors lined the wharves. Housekeepsrs and children hurried to their homes for shel ter. The British ran to their places of muster; horns, drums, trumpets sounded everywhere to arms, while cavalry and horsemen added to tho din and noise by dashing to and fro iu wild confusion. The kegs themselves could not be seen only the buoys which floated them were above water so imagination ran riot. They were kegs filled with rebels; the points of their bayonets had been seen sticking through the bungholes; they were filledwith combustibles which would turn the Delaware into a sheet of flame and envelop all the shipping; they were magic machines, which would mount tho wharves and roll in flames into the city. Tho firing was incessant, and the best efforts of the officers and men were concentrated upon 'every visi ible floating stick or chip. Tho story of the day has come down to us in Francis Hopkinson's humorous song, en titled "The Battle of the Kegs," of which the following is an extract: " Thwo kegs, I am told, the rebels hold, Packed up like pickled herring, And they've corns down to attack the town In this new way of ferrying. " The soldiers flew, the sailors too, Aad, scared almost to death, sir, Wore out their shoos and spread the news, And ran till out of breath, eir. " Arise, grise, Sir Erskine cries, 'The rebels, more s the pity, 'Without a boat are nil ailout, And ranged before the city.' " The royal ban 1 now rta ly stand All ranged iu dread urray, sir, With stomuch stout t see it out Aud make a bloody day, sir. " Such fiery feaUdid thoy perform ' Among thoae wicked kegs, sir. That years to come, when they get home. They 11 make their boast aud bra, sir." John Simpson caught a buffUo fish j weighing seventy-two pounds IU the ennui in Louisville, Ky. HEALTH HINTS. Don't go to bed with cold feet. Don't stand over hot air registers. Don't lie on the left side too much. Don't inhale hot air or fumes of an acid. Don't lie on tho back to keep from snoring. Don't eat what you don't want just to save it. Don't cat in less than two hours after bathing. Don't bathe in less than two hour9 after eating. Don't sleep in a room thut is not well ventilated. Don't eat tho smallest morsel unless hungry, if well. Don't start a day's work without eating a good breakfast. Don't eat anything but well-cooked and nutritious food. Don't take king walks when the stom ach is entirely empty. Don't sing or holloa when your throat is sore or you are hoarse. Don't wear tliin hose or light-soled shoes in cold or wet weather- Don't forget to take a drink of pure water before breakfast. Don't forget to cheer and gently amuse invalids when visiting them. Don't jump out of bed immediately on awakening in the morning. Don't strain your, eyes lv reading on an empty stomach or when ill. Don't eat between meals, nor enough to cause uneaseness at meal-time. Don't fill the gash with soot, sugar or anything else to arrest tho hemorrhage when you cut yourself but bring the parts together with strips of adhesive plaster. Don't call on your sick friend and ad vise him to take some other medicine, get another doctor, eat more, eat less, sit up longer, go out more frequently, 3tay a week and talk him to death before leaving. And lastly, when ubout to leave, don't say, "Well, I guess it's about time I was going," and then hang around half an hour before you know how to get away, Say "good night," and go and bo done with it. Dr. Fvotc's Health Monthly. Cutting Marble Blocks. Describing the Vermont marble quar .ies a writer in Harper's Monthly says: The marble is brought to the mills in massive cubes, is sawed, turned, chiselled, polished, mounted, and emerges as tomb stones, capitals, cornices, columns, man tel pieces and tuble tops. Much of this work, especially the handwork, can, of course, be studied in every place where iieople die and have monuments set up y the local stone cutter over their graves, but the heavier preliminary labor is nest to uo seen near the quarries themselves. The marble is delivered at the mills iu elongated cubes parallelepipeds, I sup pose Euclid would say from ten to fif teen feet long and three to five feet square, and placed on the frames for saw ing. An expert will then decide as to tho manner of reduction, that is, the thickness and number of the slabs, 00 cording to tho quality, the shape and size of the block, or the special nature of the orders to be tilled. In outward ap pearance a "gang," as a set of saws is called, resembles the old-fashioned up right sawmill, except that the vertical Iranie contains not one but many saws, arranged at different intervals, corre sponding to the desired thickness of the cuts. One process, therefore, divides an entire block into slabs. The saw has, it should be added, no teeth. The cutting is tho joint effect of the hard edge of the steel blade and the wet sand which is fed into tho opening, and thus produces an incisive friction. The ordinary progress is about two and u half inches an hour, and the gangs work night and day. The polishing of small pieces is done on a revolving iron disk some twelve feet in diameter. The marble is thrown upon this, and caught by fixed wooden strips like the radii of a circle, while the motion of the wheel, which is supplied with sand und water, furnishes the attrition. It takes two or three hours to polish a surface down one inch. Heavy pieces are smoothed by hand, withtheaid of pumice-stone. Marble is turned into circular shapes in a lathe, exactly like iron, aud is bored with an ordinary dry drill. The German Emperor. The vitality of the German emperor is a source of unceasing astonishment and admiration. He is now on his way to eighty-seven thirteen years older than his great ancestor, "Old Fritz," when that monarch's tough constitution broke down under the weight of years und the cares of government and his life has been one of tho most wearing activity. Yet he was on horseback last Saturday' despite the weather, for three hours, and the next day he was busy all day in dis charging various formal functions of royalty. In face of this marvelous und sustained vigor it needs the emperor's own words iu his touching address to the fourth army corps to remind the world how close ho necessarily is to the end of his extraordinary career: "It was a joy and honor to me," lie says, "to see the army corps once more. Probably it is the last time. At my ago one makes no plans." Yet tho event which the emperor looks so steadfastly in tho face will make the greatest changes, perhaps, in the foreign und certainly in the domes tic relations of his empire. By no career of our time has tho immense, importance of the personal clement in politics been morn clearly illustrated. J(U M'-tll SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL. An international society of electricians has been formed in Paris," its chief object being to promote the development of electrical science and its applications. Professor P. Denza has made a series of magnetic observations extending through twenty solar and lunar eclipses. His results indic ate that eclipses have no influence upon the earth's magnetism. At Oakland, Cal,, the iron dust, creat ed by the Pacific Nail works, amounting to five tons a day, is now utilized and twenty-live per cent, of it made into steel by tho same process that black sand is manufactured into that metal. Observations made last year by Lieut. Gen. Sheridan indicate that the power of the Yellowstone Geysers has uoi dimin ished since 1872, when they were care fully surveyed by Dr, A. C.'Peale. Two new geysers of considerable importance have oppcared since that time. Pork worms are not quickly destroyed by salt. In experiments by Mons. Collin the trichina; in the superficial parts of hams, etc., survived iu tho brine for fif teen days, while in a heavy ham tho parasites were not all killed until tho meat had been immersed in brino for two months. A method of adulterating milk by add ing to it a solution of commercial glu cose has been exposed by Mons. Krechel in a communication to tho French Acad emy of Sciences. As tho solution has the density of good milk the adultera tion is not detected by the ordinary test ing instruments. , Alcohol has been shown by Mons. Muntz to be very widely diffused in na ture. It exists in all water, except that from very pure springs. Rain and snow are not free from it, "and it is probable that the air contains much of it in tho state of vapor. Poor soil yields traces of it, and rich mould has a considerable quantity. Mr. Lacy's Adventures. History is incurably apt to repeat itself olike in its gayest and ghastliest episodes. Most of us are familiar with the story of the tipsy Englishman in the streets of Paris, who was knocked down by the shafts of a passing cabriolet, stunned, picked up for dead and taken to the mprgue, where in the middle of the night he awoke to consciousness to find him self reposing on a huge slab of slate in a state of nature, and in the very dismalist of conceivable company. The pointofthe story lies in the circumstance that the keeper of tho morgue, roused by tho shouts of the resuscitated Englishman, politely but resolutely declined to allow him to leave the establishment. "Ho had given," he said, "a receipt for mon sieur's corpse to the proper authorities, und a corpse monsieur must remain till the morning." It was with the greatest difficulty that this conscientious stickler for legal formalities was at last persuaded to allow his exceptionally noi.-y guest to resume his attire, and sit by the tire in the porter's lodge during the remainder of the night. A closely analogous story has been reported from Chicago, whera man named Lacy entered a tram way car, aud, refusing to pay his fare, was "chucked" off the platform into tho street by the conductor. The prostrate Lacy being perfectly insensible, the police patrol was called, and the supposed corpse wus placed iu a wagon und re moved to the city morgue, where, in ac cordance with American mortuary prac tice, it was placed on ice. The police then went iu search of the delinquent ond lugitive tram-car conductor, but in a short time the body' of Lacy began to show signs of life-, and in the course of half an hour was so far recovered as to be able to wulk to the police station. A medical examination proved that he was not seriously hurt, and that his tempo rary coma was due solely to liquor. AVhen, however, it is remembered that Chicago is rather a roughly paved city, it may bo permissible to favor the hy pothesis that tho " chucking off" the car platform into the street may have had something to do with tho temporary, suspension of vitality in the case of Lacy His striking experience of his icy couch in the Chicago dead house should cer tainly induce Mr. Lacy to "swear oil"' from all fermented beverages for tho re mainder of his natural life. London Ttltgraph. Irrigation on a Large Scale. The most gigantic irrigation enterprise ever inaugurated in the htato of Califor nia has been commenced in Fresno county, the canal for which will be tho largest in the State, and fed by King's liver. The water is intended to irrigate SO, 000, 000 acres of rich land, ut present barren through lack of wuter. The source of supply of this canal will be higher than any other debouching from the same stream. Its dimensions lire: Ono hundred feet in width ut the bottom ; levees an overage of fifteen feet iu height und eight feet wide ut the top, broad enough for a wagon road. The depth of tho water is expected to be five feet with a fall of eighteen inches to the mile. The dam in the mountain canon, whence the water is taken, will be a wonderful and permanent one. It is twenty-live feet high, eight hundred feet long, one hundred und forty feet wide at the base and twenty live feet wide on top. It is rip-rapped on the inside with heavy rock, and ecry precaution, taken to make it sufficiently strong to securely hold the great weight of water that must be supported. Tho water is led into the canal from a largo headgate, constructed f heavy timber, one hundred feet in width und eighteen feet high. It is plunked over so as to make abridge for heavy wagons, and has wings to protect it from the floods. The cunul is expected to curry thirteen hun dred cubic feet of wuter per second, Lvt A"(tlt JIfiM. OUR DEAD DARLINGS, Littlo graven lie in the sunshine, And little heads rest in peace, But loving hearts keep on grieving With a 1 oin that will not cease, Draniing of tho dear departed Forgetting thoir joys increase. Ah! how we brontl over life's crosses, And how we niensure its sorrow, Dreaming not that this day's losses May change into gain to-morrow. Would we wish our darlings living? And to be as wo have been? To sleep on a tcar-wet pillow, And mourn over woes unseen. Are they not far bettor waiting Vnder their coverlids green f They till miss life's weary crosses They never will taste its sorrow ; They will sleep through its cares aud losses And wake on a fair to-morrow. S'eep on, little darlings, soundly! The purer the -ed we sow, In the spring of God's hereafter The brighter the flower will grow Heaven must surely be sweeter, The I018 of earth's sin we know. How grand the change from life's crosses- From the friction of its sorrow; To a land ne'er n:arked with losses Where love waits for no to-morrow. Wm. Lyle. HUMORS OF THE DAY. How singular that a should come 4 th. baby's 1st 2th A tramp called his shoes corporations because they had no soles. Merchant Traveler. Do clothes make the man ? My son, they do. . They make him mighty bash ful of his tailor. llmckcye. An exchange remarks that the moon is just right for buggy riding. No doubt it is, but tho average young man prefers to ride with a pretty girl. Burlington Free 1'rcKS. "A new industry in Norway is the can ning of whales." It is not stated how many whales are packed in each can; but we shouldn't think the number was over four. XorrUtoicn Jleraldf A Georgia man had every hair of his head taken off by an electric bolt during a thunder storm. A Philadelphia man, hearing of this, said he knew now why his wile's first name was Electra. Phila delphbi Call. "Did you give Johnny the medicine, Mr. Brown?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes, doctor," replied the loving mother; and then sho added innocently, "and it don't seem to have done him the least harm. Somenille Journal. Auti-vivisectionists argue that it gives an oyster acute pain to open its shell with a knife. Let us then sing to the tender bivalve, und when he gazes at U9 in open-mouthed wonder we can kill him with a club. Xt w York Commercial. Herbert Spencer says Americans are so driven by business that they never stop to leisurely examine anything. Guess ho never saw 500 or 000 Americans stand ing around for two hours watching three men raising on office safe to a fourth-story window. Boat on Ganttc. "Have you brought your gimlet with you?'' "Hush, Johnny," said Mrs. Yerger. " Go to bed, sir,!'remarked Col. Yerger. " What do you mean ?" asked Gus. "I don't mean nutlin; except I heard pa say you were coming up this evening to bore us all." Texas Siflings. The awful prevalence of pie in this co uitry is illustrated by the remark sent to the I)mrer by a grandfather, proud of iiii grandchild of three years who is vis iti lg him. Enthroned in her high chair, sh s waited at table for the appearance of the dessert. The family pie was duly set before grandma, und baby's eyes were directed that way, when a small pie made for her majesty was flipped before her. Equal to tho occasion, her eyes dancing with delight, she burst out with, "Oh, auntie, I'm mamma of this pie!" Harper's Draiccr. Simply because a Dayton, Ohio, father used a horsewhip when he remonstrated with a young man for hanging on his front g Ue, the young man has brought suit for damages, to find by what right the father objected to his swinging on the gate with his daughter. The old man was right. He knew that the gate-swinging season was passed, and that the young man was in danger of catching cold in the head. Then, w hen he came to help burn the oil and coal this winter, his pesky snuffing and nose-blowing would keep the indulgent father awake all night. The father was right in pro tecting himself. Pick's Hun. It is simply impossible for a fat man to be a real dude. He may sport the regulation collar; ho may wear coats so short that his vest shows beneath it, but he can't bo a successful dude. A dude must have thin leg:-f 11 pineapple. Ho 117 hind his ears and ; them. Now a fat rotund youth, cat; specifications. 1 'lead shaped like ivo dimples be enough to hide i-hubby, plump swer to these '"iitok sad and Jjjiound to per- 7-1 o get red in 77'. A dude 8 'P, jthose other J Con,. . uVrod vacant and bilio spire 111 weathey I lie face and never perspire things, i Iu toned up, alw Uans limit 111 i t -".(TOIlS Why Drlv tarv. Henry Gr; AW :1C0. t tt ut kiii ; M the followi 7, ,'ippoinled custom road : ad: L mal Vi:J USI driver that h with each of thut 1 V f und t V
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers