HIGHACRES COLLEGIAN FEMALES CLASSIFIED (For MEN Only) At the present time, the brains of the local ROTC boys resemble the motor of a car that has had an unfriendly meetin g with a freight train.. These brains are in an unusual state ; they are being wsed for thinking. But what is this immense problem disrupting the normal process of their usually dormant brains. It certainly could not be academic* The problem concerns the female, human fema les. The military Ball is swiftly approching and these cadets are in desperate need of dates (not those grown on palm trees). To soothe these troubled minds, let us consider a class ification of the female species. All a cadet has to do now is to read this article, to pick out the type of girl he desires, and to go get her* The basis for this classification was /ery hard to come by. At first I '.-■tended to classify them according to their physical appearance. However, due bo an assortment of gadgets, manufact ured both for restraining and extending, the majority of girls have now developed the same desirable shape* This makes classification of this basis impossible* Next, I tryed classifying them according to their vocal capabilities, but after careful study, I decided that all fe males have superbly developed vocal chords and the only differnce among them lies in the exceptional few who developed their vocal chords to an extent even beyond that of the average female. At this time I was left with this one category on which to calssify females{personality. I decided upon the following classes "band stand" girl, athletic type, bookworms, and the "Lil Orphan Annie" type. The first type of female to be discussed is that formerly referred to as the "band stand" girl. She speaks language similar to that spoken by the residents of the Belgian Congo? her hairdo also shows an influence from such alien sources. Her topics of conversation are quite limited. She speaks of new dance steps, new singers, and new records? November 26, 195*? also, old dance steps, old singers, and old recordso A class examination of he type of music shows that it also seems to be derived from the Belgian Conge The girls have developed an unusuat of dress? they are determined to exoe.a as much ol the leg as possible below ■; i.t dress, and then to cover up such told advances by covering up as much of sai~. leg as possible from the ankle up wi'-b knee socks* If you select one of these girls, be prepared for an evening ox tone confusion* They pride themselves cn being different and would be terribly insulted If their dates showed any preter. of understanding them. Now we will examine the athletic type of girl* These girls can be identified by these three phrases which constitute fully three quarters of their vocabulary' "You’re Cheating’,’ "No Fair," and "Lets start over againU Not being able to defeat a male, by fair means-, in any game requiring physical skills, she will insist on keeping score and win anyway*- This girl is a very interesting conversationalist*. She can speak for Iv on all types of amateur sports ; her s basketball, football, and baseball teams, and the cute, curly headed boy who care t play sports because of his scholastic incapabilities. William Shakespeare and John Milton, to her, are merely the reasons for her missing the last basketball game* Before taking her out, a boy should get a good sleep, eat a hearty meal, and prepare to lose in any game in which the two might compel A victory for the boy in any sv.ch sport would mean a failure in the sport indulged in later in the evvjnrmg-> It can be evaded no longer* We mv.st finally discuss the literary type rf gir. She has much to discuss, but- ail (he topics are boring. Mamii.-g the character in a short story by o.Henry, critici"i::r, Shakespeare, and discussing the moral!, behind a novel by Hemingway are the activities she participates in readily-.- The boy will wonder how, with all this knowledge, she doesn’t know Mickey Maritlf si a switch hitter. She is intelligent, but alas, boring. Too much time spent in study has kept her from learning abov
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers