Where’s the action? Show us what you've got By Barb Roy Editor In case you haven’t noticed, noth ing is happening on campus. Noth ing, nada, zilch, zippo, zzzzzzzz. What’s that about? Is this not a Col lege Campus, for crying out loud? Where are the riots? People say that this isn’t the “real” Penn State, and I guess the lack of riots here proves it. And concerts, what about that? Not a daytime "educational-value" culture-laden ya-ya; where's the drop- everything-and-party-time affairs! Look up oooold yearbooks in the library and check out the PSH, community must stop professors' blatant cruelty Dan Zehr For the Cap Times It’s time to take a stand. It seems two Penn State Harris burg professors, both linked to this paper, have been carrying out some very bizarre if not outright dispicable experiments. Their methods can be compared only to the clubbing of baby seals. In an sick twist of genetic science and the Hair Club for Men, Dr. Crispin Sartwell and Dr. Michael Barton have published the results of their two-month study on emu hair transplants. The results are less Above: Dr. Michael Barton (after treatment) Dr. Ci '•'"••in Sartwell (giddy with evil discovery) masses of people outside Olmstead Building at a concert. Guys are bare-chested, girls are wearing bi kini tops and everyone’s in cut-offs. And this was winter! Wusses!! Wake up. This may be an old military building, but you’re not in the army now! College has always been associated with inanely ridiculous events borne out of desperately bored and brainless zombies who had lost all thinking faculties by mid-term... of the first week! Allegedly, things like goldfish swallowing and stuffing of human bodies (alive) into telephone booths than satisfactory. Yet, it isn’t their lack of success that leaves the naseous feeling in one’s stomach. No, indeed, it’s their heartless abuse of the emus on Sartwell’s farm in York County. The experiments went something like this: Every morning, Sartwell would rise with the sun and “harvest” hairs from the nostrils of six specially selected emus. (The six were cho sen as the best of the stock and were fed a strict com and pepperoni diet). After brutally pulling the nose hairs from the emus with a twee zers, Sartwell would pack them in and VW bugs happened. Ever hear about panty raids in the middle of the night with everyone getting dumped into the fountain in the cen ter of campus and their undies strewn about the campus? What about food fights? History has a long, distinguished line of proud moments like these by college-attending people. What we need is a wacky fad like streaking. At one time college people appar ently did this regularly. Everyone would go and get some lunch and a drink and settle into a good view ing spot and wait for the streakers to appear. A recent article from a pH-balanced mix of ice, Pepsi and nutrient-enriched organic fertilizer. Returning to the emu pens which, by the way, were two inches smaller than outlined in governmen tal regulations Sartwell would douse his “lab emus” with alcohol, preventing infection but also sub jecting the flightless birds to excrutiating pain. Residents re ported hearing the emus’ cries up to four miles away. One can’t help but picture the dark, puppy-dog eyes and snow white fur of a baby seal unless, of course, you’ve actually seen an emu before. But this is where this story turns from abominable animal cruelty to unconscionable scientific experiment. The emu nose hairs would be left in their nutrient stew for three days. After soaking, the DNA of a human hair follicle would be injected into the base of the emu hair. The ge ■ The Capital Times Brad Moist Kim Glass Music Editor Photographer Barbara L. Roy Crispin Sartwell Layout Adviser Staff / Writers / Contributors Dianne Finnefrock Kristy Pipher Jesse Gutierrez Ken Lopez somewhere or other told of a large crowd that gathered at HACC, no less, to wait for the show. As soon as the whole campus was out on the main concourse, the naked run ners did their thing and ran across campus with nothing on. The grand finale was a guy and girl on a cycle bringing up their rear. So, what’s it gonna be? What sto ries are you going to pass on to your kids someday when they want to know what college is like? It will be really scary if all you have to offer is how you worked and went to classes. C’mon, strip. Let’s see your.... Or maybe not. netically altered hair would then be incubated for 14 days at exactly 103.4 degrees. With the advice of Sy Sperling, Hair Club for Men client and presi dent as well as a Sartwell-Barton adviser, the incubated hairs were tranplanted onto the crown of Barton’s head. In between three eight-hour ses sions in his specially crafted sun chamber, Barton would massage his scalp with a calculated mix of Head & Shoulders shampoo and hair tonic. So to this point, we have animal cruelty and completely irrespon sible genetic manipulation. Thank fully enough, the results were negative. “We were hoping for some growth,” Sartwell said at their press conference. “Perhaps it just wasn’t to be. We’re still holding on to some hope; it’s early.” This issue is a parody, so lighten up and take a joke. It is not the intention to do blah, blah, blah... extentuous legalese jargon so we don't get sued etc., etc., etc., disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer. We claim no respnsibility for ourselves whatsoever, and neither does the school nor anyone on campus, nor in Middletown, nor on the planet. Happy April Fool's Day! Go play a good joke on someone and hope they still love you. Keep reading your favorite newspaper, the leading source for world news as we know it and see fit to see it. Yet neither were so optimistic when charged with cruelty to ani mals and genetic manipulation. “I never hurt those emus,” Sartwell angrily said. “They had the best care at all times. Hell, I even had them snort some blow before I pulled the hairs out. Those screams were just a bunch of stoned emus!” “My head hurts,” Barton added. As for the insufficient pens, Sartwell explained they were the best way to keep high emus from hurting themselves. “My head hurts,” Barton added. Such abuse of professorial privilige has long been overlooked. It is time this university take a stand and demand some accountability. We cannot accept such blatant cru elty and disregard for the conse quences of scientific endeaver. Nor can we disregard the strange fuzz starting to appear on the crown of Barton’s head.
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