Where’s the action? Show us what you've got
By Barb Roy
Editor
In case you haven’t noticed, noth
ing is happening on campus. Noth
ing, nada, zilch, zippo, zzzzzzzz.
What’s that about? Is this not a Col
lege Campus, for crying out loud?
Where are the riots? People say that
this isn’t the “real” Penn State, and
I guess the lack of riots here proves
it.
And concerts, what about that?
Not a daytime "educational-value"
culture-laden ya-ya; where's the
drop- everything-and-party-time
affairs! Look up oooold yearbooks
in the library and check out the
PSH, community must stop professors' blatant cruelty
Dan Zehr
For the Cap Times
It’s time to take a stand.
It seems two Penn State Harris
burg professors, both linked to this
paper, have been carrying out some
very bizarre if not outright
dispicable experiments. Their
methods can be compared only to
the clubbing of baby seals.
In an sick twist of genetic science
and the Hair Club for Men, Dr.
Crispin Sartwell and Dr. Michael
Barton have published the results
of their two-month study on emu
hair transplants. The results are less
Above: Dr. Michael Barton (after treatment)
Dr. Ci '•'"••in Sartwell (giddy with evil discovery)
masses of people outside Olmstead
Building at a concert. Guys are
bare-chested, girls are wearing bi
kini tops and everyone’s in cut-offs.
And this was winter!
Wusses!! Wake up. This may be
an old military building, but you’re
not in the army now! College has
always been associated with
inanely ridiculous events borne out
of desperately bored and brainless
zombies who had lost all thinking
faculties by mid-term... of the first
week!
Allegedly, things like goldfish
swallowing and stuffing of human
bodies (alive) into telephone booths
than satisfactory.
Yet, it isn’t their lack of success
that leaves the naseous feeling in
one’s stomach. No, indeed, it’s their
heartless abuse of the emus on
Sartwell’s farm in York County.
The experiments went something
like this:
Every morning, Sartwell would
rise with the sun and “harvest” hairs
from the nostrils of six specially
selected emus. (The six were cho
sen as the best of the stock and were
fed a strict com and pepperoni diet).
After brutally pulling the nose
hairs from the emus with a twee
zers, Sartwell would pack them in
and VW bugs happened. Ever hear
about panty raids in the middle of
the night with everyone getting
dumped into the fountain in the cen
ter of campus and their undies
strewn about the campus? What
about food fights?
History has a long, distinguished
line of proud moments like these by
college-attending people. What we
need is a wacky fad like streaking.
At one time college people appar
ently did this regularly. Everyone
would go and get some lunch and a
drink and settle into a good view
ing spot and wait for the streakers
to appear. A recent article from
a pH-balanced mix of ice, Pepsi and
nutrient-enriched organic fertilizer.
Returning to the emu pens
which, by the way, were two inches
smaller than outlined in governmen
tal regulations Sartwell would
douse his “lab emus” with alcohol,
preventing infection but also sub
jecting the flightless birds to
excrutiating pain. Residents re
ported hearing the emus’ cries up
to four miles away.
One can’t help but picture the
dark, puppy-dog eyes and snow
white fur of a baby seal unless,
of course, you’ve actually seen an
emu before. But this is where this
story turns from abominable animal
cruelty to unconscionable scientific
experiment.
The emu nose hairs would be left
in their nutrient stew for three days.
After soaking, the DNA of a human
hair follicle would be injected into
the base of the emu hair. The ge
■ The Capital Times
Brad Moist Kim Glass
Music Editor Photographer
Barbara L. Roy Crispin Sartwell
Layout Adviser
Staff / Writers / Contributors
Dianne Finnefrock Kristy Pipher Jesse Gutierrez
Ken Lopez
somewhere or other told of a large
crowd that gathered at HACC, no
less, to wait for the show. As soon
as the whole campus was out on
the main concourse, the naked run
ners did their thing and ran across
campus with nothing on. The grand
finale was a guy and girl on a cycle
bringing up their rear.
So, what’s it gonna be? What sto
ries are you going to pass on to
your kids someday when they want
to know what college is like? It will
be really scary if all you have to
offer is how you worked and went
to classes. C’mon, strip. Let’s see
your.... Or maybe not.
netically altered hair would then be
incubated for 14 days at exactly
103.4 degrees.
With the advice of Sy Sperling,
Hair Club for Men client and presi
dent as well as a Sartwell-Barton
adviser, the incubated hairs were
tranplanted onto the crown of
Barton’s head.
In between three eight-hour ses
sions in his specially crafted sun
chamber, Barton would massage
his scalp with a calculated mix of
Head & Shoulders shampoo and
hair tonic.
So to this point, we have animal
cruelty and completely irrespon
sible genetic manipulation. Thank
fully enough, the results were
negative.
“We were hoping for some
growth,” Sartwell said at their
press conference. “Perhaps it just
wasn’t to be. We’re still holding on
to some hope; it’s early.”
This issue is a parody, so
lighten up and take a joke.
It is not the intention to do
blah, blah, blah... extentuous
legalese jargon so we don't
get sued etc., etc., etc.,
disclaimer, disclaimer,
disclaimer. We claim no
respnsibility for ourselves
whatsoever, and neither does
the school nor anyone on
campus, nor in Middletown,
nor on the planet. Happy
April Fool's Day! Go play a
good joke on someone and
hope they still love you. Keep
reading your favorite
newspaper, the leading
source for world news as we
know it and see fit to see it.
Yet neither were so optimistic
when charged with cruelty to ani
mals and genetic manipulation.
“I never hurt those emus,”
Sartwell angrily said. “They had the
best care at all times. Hell, I even
had them snort some blow before I
pulled the hairs out. Those screams
were just a bunch of stoned emus!”
“My head hurts,” Barton added.
As for the insufficient pens,
Sartwell explained they were the
best way to keep high emus from
hurting themselves.
“My head hurts,” Barton added.
Such abuse of professorial
privilige has long been overlooked.
It is time this university take a stand
and demand some accountability.
We cannot accept such blatant cru
elty and disregard for the conse
quences of scientific endeaver.
Nor can we disregard the strange
fuzz starting to appear on the crown
of Barton’s head.