Summer flicks: winners and losers Jason Sandhaus Capital Times Staff Your essays on "How I spent my summer vacation" are due tomorrow. Just kidding. I'm sure many of you spent your days sweltering in the sun trying to get that savage tan. I spent my summer in a movie theater perfecting my shade of white. I believe it's called paste. At least inside a theater I don't need sunblock 500. I would like to re-cap the entire summer crop, not crap, of films for you, but that would be too long. So I will do something better. I will give you my top five best and worst movies of this past season. Here are the top five in no particular order (using the standard four star system). 1) Alien 3--Sigourney Weaver, and not the bitch, is back for the third and most likely last installment of the popular series. Once again Ripley comes face to face with the horrible alien. This time she is trapped on a planet full of the most vile convicts. It just so happens these criminals are all men. Whoa, baby. The alien grows and soon kills everything in its path, but not Ripley. Why??? I won't tell you. This film bombed at the box offiice, so look for it on video real soon. People expected this to be like the first two movies, which it was definitely not. An admirable job by first-time director David Fincher whose only other directing Teachers must pass the test Natalie Zechman Capital Times Staff Hold on to your thinking caps and sharpen your #2 pencils, future educators!! It's time to plan for the National Teacher Exams (NTE). This test is just one of the many obstacles we "teacher-wanna-bes" must overcome before we can enter those hallowed halls of high school or elementary school again. Required for certification in Pennsylvania, the NTEs consist of two parts and are scheduled on two different days. The Core Battery test (which takes 6 hours to complete) probes into your knowledge of math, social studies, science, English, composition, grammar, writing, and professional aspects of education. No problem, right? The Specialty Area test focuses only on the field of education in which you are disciplined and lasts but a mere two hours. Fortunately for most of us, the test is in the ever-so-popular form of "multiple guess," and the best part is that they only count the questions you answer correctly!! Nevertheless, if all of this sounds somewhat scary to you, take a walk down to the Student Assistance Center (W 117) to borrow a study guide that will help resurface all of that imbedded knowledge and ease some of the stress. So if you are an education major and The Capital Times needs student volunteers. We need people for reporting, writing, typing, editing, layout, advertising & photo Please call 944-4970 - for more information. First meeting: Tues., Sept. 8 at 12:30 p.m. in W-341. work was on music videos. *** 2) Whispers in the Dark--By far the most underrated film of the summer. Annabella Sciorra stars as a psychiatrist turned on by one of her female patients sexual escapades. Who wouldn't? The MOVIE HAUS doctor later falls in love. Only the man she falls in love with is "the one" the patient described so wonderfully. The patient is murdered and her lover is the prime suspect. What to do?? A great mystery/thriller in the tradition of Hitchcock. You are kept waiting until the final scenes. ***l/2 3) Single White Female--Allie (Bridget Fonda) just broke off her engagement. Don't get any ideas, ladies. She doesn't like to be alone, so she places an ad in the paper for a roommate. She thinks she's found the perfect roomie in Hedra (nice name) Carlson (Jennifer Jason Leigh). At first everything seems fine until Heddy starts to take on Fonda's personality. Soon that's not enough-- Fonda must die ( unfortunately the wrong one). I'm sure women will think twice about getting a roommate after viewing this. *** 4) A League of Their Own--Penny Marshall's female baseball flick starring want to be certified to teach when you graduate, pick up an NTE Bulletin outside of the SAC for all the information you need to know about dates, locations, fees, applications, etc. RESERVE OFFICERS' TRAINING CORPS HOW TO MASTER THE TOUGHEST OBSTACLE COURSE OF ALL. COLLEGE. CPT Casey at (717) 245-1221/1222 CAFITAL September 4, TIMES 1992 FEATURES/7 Geena Davis, Tom Hanks and Madonna. Good performances all around, especially by Hanks who gained 30 pounds for his role as a drunken ex-ball player. The person who actually stole the movie is overweight comic Rosie 0' Donnell as a tough New York chick. The only problem I had with this film is Davis's whiny sister (Lori Petty) who feels she never gets any credit. *** 5) The Player--Tim Robbins is a studio exec. who murders a screenwriter he who he thinks is sending him threatening letters, he kills off the wrong guy. This is the mystery/suspense aspect of the picture. The other half is a dark comedy filled with cameo appearances of some of Hollywood's biggest stars. A lot of the jokes are from inside Hollywood. I had to read up on it before I saw the film. Well written. A wonderful comeback film from the creator of "M.A.5.H.," Robert Altman. *** You've seen my pedigrees of the summer, now it is time to meet my mutts. For your benefit, these will be in order from absolutely dreadful to slightly terrible. 1) Christopher Columbus--Yes it's been 500 years since the great one made his discovery. And I believe this film seemed like it lasted twice that long. Horrible casting. Magnum P.I. as the King of Spain. One of his lines upon Columbus's return to Spain, "Congratulations, where's my gold." Who wrote this crap?! This one doesn't even get a full star. 1/16* 2) Cool World--Kim Basinger as a cartoon. Her cartoon alter ego, Holly, is a better actress that she can ever dream to be. Holly wants to become a human, but the only way 'toons can become real is to make love to a human. Gabriel Byrne grants her that. He plays an ex-con who created the world Holly lives in while he You have something most college kids don't experience. And Army ROTC helps you build on your Army experi ence. Develop your leadership skills. Sharpen your competitive edge. You'll graduate with a college degree and an Army Officer's commission. So enroll in Army ROTC when you register and college won't be as tough as it looks. 1; ; 0111;luol THE SMARTEST COLLEGE COURSE YOU CAN TAKE. Find out more! Call: was in prison. The summer could have done without this waste of film and all of Hollywood could do without Basinger. 1/2* 3) Encino Man--Hey buddies. Hey look it 's "the weasel." A film starring Pauly Shore. Give me a break!!! Pauly and Sean Astin discover a prehistoric man (Brendan Fraser) in their backyard. They teach him all of their wonderful traits, which isn't much. This is supposed to be a comedy, but let me say that I laughed more at the previews than I did during the entire movie. How can you make a boring comedy??? Someone obviously found the recipe. *l/2 4) Man Trouble--How can Jack Nicholson make a bad movie??? Simple, he stars with the most unfunny woman in the business, Ellen Barkin, star of the smash hit "Switch" (it really wasn't). He plays a dog trainer with an eye for beautiful women. She plays a lead singer in a chorus. Heard enough? They meet: fall in love, and some stupid story line occurs in between. Keep trying kids. *l/2 Last and most certainly least. 5) Poison Ivy---Drew Barrymore plays a young temptress rebel. What a stretch. She goes to live with her friend played by "Roseanne" brat Sara Gilbert. Barrymore struts her goods around and soon Gilbert's father (Tom Skerrit) notices. The two develop a "relationship." Where is the mother during all of this? She is stricken with a terminal illness and must stay in bed all the time. This film tried real hard to be like "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle." This one doesn't even make it to the crib. I have an equation for you: horrible acting + dreadful script = one god awful movie. *l/2 Well folks. there you have it. My champions and my losers of this past summer. See you next issue
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