Summer flicks: winners and losers
Jason Sandhaus
Capital Times Staff
Your essays on "How I spent my
summer vacation" are due tomorrow. Just
kidding.
I'm sure many of you spent your days
sweltering in the sun trying to get that
savage tan. I spent my summer in a movie
theater perfecting my shade of white. I
believe it's called paste. At least inside a
theater I don't need sunblock 500.
I would like to re-cap the entire
summer crop, not crap, of films for you,
but that would be too long. So I will do
something better. I will give you my top
five best and worst movies of this past
season.
Here are the top five in no particular
order (using the standard four star system).
1) Alien 3--Sigourney Weaver, and not
the bitch, is back for the third and most
likely last installment of the popular
series. Once again Ripley comes face to
face with the horrible alien. This time she
is trapped on a planet full of the most vile
convicts. It just so happens these
criminals are all men. Whoa, baby. The
alien grows and soon kills everything in
its path, but not Ripley. Why??? I won't
tell you. This film bombed at the box
offiice, so look for it on video real soon.
People expected this to be like the first
two movies, which it was definitely not.
An admirable job by first-time director
David Fincher whose only other directing
Teachers must pass the test
Natalie Zechman
Capital Times Staff
Hold on to your thinking caps and
sharpen your #2 pencils, future educators!!
It's time to plan for the National Teacher
Exams (NTE). This test is just one of the
many obstacles we "teacher-wanna-bes"
must overcome before we can enter those
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Required for certification in
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parts and are scheduled on two different
days. The Core Battery test (which takes 6
hours to complete) probes into your
knowledge of math, social studies,
science, English, composition, grammar,
writing, and professional aspects of
education. No problem, right? The
Specialty Area test focuses only on the
field of education in which you are
disciplined and lasts but a mere two hours.
Fortunately for most of us, the test is
in the ever-so-popular form of "multiple
guess," and the best part is that they only
count the questions you answer correctly!!
Nevertheless, if all of this sounds
somewhat scary to you, take a walk down
to the Student Assistance Center (W 117)
to borrow a study guide that will help
resurface all of that imbedded knowledge
and ease some of the stress.
So if you are an education major and
The Capital Times
needs student volunteers.
We need people for reporting,
writing, typing, editing, layout,
advertising & photo
Please call 944-4970 - for
more information.
First meeting: Tues., Sept. 8
at 12:30 p.m. in W-341.
work was on music videos. ***
2) Whispers in the Dark--By far the
most underrated film of the summer.
Annabella Sciorra stars as a psychiatrist
turned on by one of her female patients
sexual escapades. Who wouldn't? The
MOVIE HAUS
doctor later falls in love. Only the man
she falls in love with is "the one" the
patient described so wonderfully. The
patient is murdered and her lover is the
prime suspect. What to do?? A great
mystery/thriller in the tradition of
Hitchcock. You are kept waiting until the
final scenes. ***l/2
3) Single White Female--Allie
(Bridget Fonda) just broke off her
engagement. Don't get any ideas, ladies.
She doesn't like to be alone, so she places
an ad in the paper for a roommate. She
thinks she's found the perfect roomie in
Hedra (nice name) Carlson (Jennifer Jason
Leigh). At first everything seems fine
until Heddy starts to take on Fonda's
personality. Soon that's not enough--
Fonda must die ( unfortunately the wrong
one). I'm sure women will think twice
about getting a roommate after viewing
this. ***
4) A League of Their Own--Penny
Marshall's female baseball flick starring
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Geena Davis, Tom Hanks and Madonna.
Good performances all around, especially
by Hanks who gained 30 pounds for his
role as a drunken ex-ball player. The
person who actually stole the movie is
overweight comic Rosie 0' Donnell as a
tough New York chick. The only problem
I had with this film is Davis's whiny
sister (Lori Petty) who feels she never gets
any credit. ***
5) The Player--Tim Robbins is a
studio exec. who murders a screenwriter he
who he thinks is sending him threatening
letters, he kills off the wrong guy. This is
the mystery/suspense aspect of the picture.
The other half is a dark comedy filled with
cameo appearances of some of
Hollywood's biggest stars. A lot of the
jokes are from inside Hollywood. I had to
read up on it before I saw the film. Well
written. A wonderful comeback film from
the creator of "M.A.5.H.," Robert
Altman. ***
You've seen my pedigrees of the
summer, now it is time to meet my
mutts. For your benefit, these will be in
order from absolutely dreadful to slightly
terrible.
1) Christopher Columbus--Yes it's
been 500 years since the great one made
his discovery. And I believe this film
seemed like it lasted twice that long.
Horrible casting. Magnum P.I. as the
King of Spain. One of his lines upon
Columbus's return to Spain,
"Congratulations, where's my gold." Who
wrote this crap?! This one doesn't even get
a full star. 1/16*
2) Cool World--Kim Basinger as a
cartoon. Her cartoon alter ego, Holly, is a
better actress that she can ever dream to
be. Holly wants to become a human, but
the only way 'toons can become real is to
make love to a human. Gabriel Byrne
grants her that. He plays an ex-con who
created the world Holly lives in while he
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was in prison. The summer could have
done without this waste of film and all of
Hollywood could do without Basinger.
1/2*
3) Encino Man--Hey buddies. Hey
look it 's "the weasel." A film starring
Pauly Shore. Give me a break!!! Pauly and
Sean Astin discover a prehistoric man
(Brendan Fraser) in their backyard. They
teach him all of their wonderful traits,
which isn't much. This is supposed to be
a comedy, but let me say that I laughed
more at the previews than I did during the
entire movie. How can you make a boring
comedy??? Someone obviously found the
recipe. *l/2
4) Man Trouble--How can Jack
Nicholson make a bad movie??? Simple,
he stars with the most unfunny woman in
the business, Ellen Barkin, star of the
smash hit "Switch" (it really wasn't). He
plays a dog trainer with an eye for
beautiful women. She plays a lead singer
in a chorus. Heard enough? They meet:
fall in love, and some stupid story line
occurs in between. Keep trying kids. *l/2
Last and most certainly least.
5) Poison Ivy---Drew Barrymore plays
a young temptress rebel. What a stretch.
She goes to live with her friend played by
"Roseanne" brat Sara Gilbert. Barrymore
struts her goods around and soon Gilbert's
father (Tom Skerrit) notices. The two
develop a "relationship." Where is the
mother during all of this? She is stricken
with a terminal illness and must stay in
bed all the time. This film tried real hard
to be like "The Hand That Rocks the
Cradle." This one doesn't even make it to
the crib. I have an equation for you:
horrible acting + dreadful script = one god
awful movie. *l/2
Well folks. there you have it. My
champions and my losers of this past
summer.
See you next issue