March 32,1977 trology Or Under The Guillotine LIBRA - The Libra will remind you of the puppy that used to follow you around until it was run over by an A&P truck. They are outstanding stupid beasts who are capable of nothing more important than a blind pursuit of being liked by all who surround them. The Libra would rather live in Newark N.J. than argue with anyone about anything. Dean Rusk is a Libra. The key words are lindecis iver', 'jelly', 'gullible idiot', 'silly putty', and 'stupid sheep shit'. The ideal Libran career is Secretary of State. LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Your evening star is Mercury. You are responsible for the deaths of 5,000 Japanese fish eaters. Go to an Amway sales promotion. SCORPIO - The Scorpio is so seceretive they will often even think in code. But that is no great problem, for they rarely think. They tend to operate on gut reactions. chiefly Jealous'', and resentfulness toward what others have. The ideal careers for Scorpio are law enforce ment military command, un dertaking and other kinds of sewage work. They also make great CIA chiefs of station in little defenceless countries where they are allowed to play hand ball. The key words are 'antisocial', 'nuclear', 'stub. born bastard', and 'help!'. The Scorpio will be found in spring ripping the wings of small insects for no particular reason. Sexually the Scorpio is the subject of many low budget Shrug, National Enquirer stories snd the bread and butter of private investigations. Should you meet in private with a Scorpio remember to wear body armor and clean under wear. SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) The people who are watching you are getting closer. Avoid answering the phone, if you must, put people on hold. Avoid going out doors, spend u much time u possible kidding in a closet. ********ss ********** kflil:(L SAGGHTARRIS - A crass, overoptimistic buffoon who laughs at funerals, the Sat Marian is prone tell massive lies. As if this weren't enough, he is also a stupid, tactless, irresponsible ass who wants to nuke Hanoi. He will either be found traveling or in the hospital. He, like gravity, can always be depended on to let you down, at just the wrong moment. Sexually he should not be approached at all, he'll get to you soon enough on his own. At this time, every general and admiral on active U.S. service is a Sagittarian. ********** SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Avoid Claymore Mines. Beware of under cover vice agents in mens rooms (yes I mean you Gen. Walker). This is not the month for taking action. Next month. especially the first seven days will be much better. CAPRICORN - The Capricorn is a rational, reliable, disciplin ed and as calculating as an IBM 380. And just as friendly and exciting to be around. He even looks the part, with beedy little yellow eyes which flicker when he is turned on. Sexually, the analogy continues,he can be turned and of by simply stroking the right buttons. After he is turned, he will perform with the efficiency of a computer (and all too often computer-like speed). If you want emotional warmth while living with a Capricorn you'd better visit a petstore. They are also great and greedy hoarders, many older Capricorns are still using the toilet paper and sugar they hoarded during WWII. The recent, strange dissappearance of 2 lb. jars of coffee from grocery shelves is solely due to Capricorns. The key words are 'Christ', 'not you again', 'Get off my back', 'fuck oft', and 'cheap 5.0.8.'. Above all, never open your wallet in front of a Capricorn. The ideal Capricorn professions are; mercenary soldier, banker, and administrator. ********** CAPIUCORIC (Dee. 22 - Jan. 21) Sign up for home study courses in lard making and enforcing the law of gravity. Make love to a calculator. t \ll4olklti AYE s. C.C. Reader AQUARIUS - A truly inde pendent scul, the Aquarius tends toward thinking in broad philosphical strokes and caring deeply for his fellow man. He will always seem totally stoned, usually because he is. He also often forgets to eat, change his clothes or go to the bathroom. None of the traits help his condition or popularity. But independence is so import ant to him that he will gladly sit in the mess and listen to his stomach growl rather than bend to convention. The key words are 'lice', 'muscatel', 'columbian', and 'catatonic'. The ideal Aquarian professions are wino and very mellow junkie. ********** AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) This is the right time for you to enter a reds-dropping contest. Your reasons for action may make sense to you and still not be understood by any one else. The five thousand acid trips you took are not responsible for this. Stop cleaning your fingernails with your works. PISCES - "The born loser" Pisces are the . thalidimide babies of the universe. Their thought process is as clear as mud. They often forget to come in out of the rain and have to be reminded to breath from time to time. Jerry Ford is a Pisces. When it comes to sex (no pun intended) forget it. They can't even spell it, never mind do it. Its a shame too, as they are almost always ready for it due to the fact that they can't dress themself and consequently spend a lot of time standing around nude. Key words 'dribble', 'drool', 'dim wit', 'dunce', 'cretin', 'idiot', and 'sometimes Mr. President'. The ideal Pisces professions are athletic scholarship winner, goalie for .a dart team, television writer and Republi can candidate for president. •s******** PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) Give up, there is no helping you. Every thing you do will go wrong. This month you have the touch of sadim (thata Midas spelled backwards), the touch of shit. The words of advise for you are F.U.B.A.R. Fucked up beyond all repair and SNAFU, situation normal, all fucked up. r. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers