PAGE 4 BEHREND BULLSHEET Stories And Photos by John Skrzypczak Manufacturers Defect Lamaha Inc. of Japan announces recall of thousands of motorcycles. The motorcycles were recently recalled after 27 people were in jured. The cause for the recall was discussed by Lamaha represen tative, and .ironically the new Behrend Library coordinator, Dr. Wang Houng Lao. Dr: Lao had this to say, "The problem seems to have originated on the production line. As you know we the Japanese have been try ing to manufacture anything we can get our hands on. Well, Lamaha has been getting into donut making. Americans love donuts, we make anything Americans like, because we know they'll buy it. "Anyway, it seems as though some of the extra large powdered donuts were accidentally placed on the rear rims of the motor cycles. The problem you have here is when the rear wheels get wet the donuts get soggy and an accident usually occurs. Luckily, no one was injured and we are now fixing the motorcycles free of charge." We finally got Dr. Lao to shut up and asked him what he thought of American Industry. He had this to say. "You guys kicked our butts at Nagosaki and Hiroshima. We looked at that as the first half of a 40 year football game, well we're a second half team and now we're gonna kick your butts all over the place." On that note, the Collegian writer decided it was time to end his work on the Bullsheet and to go back to the office and collect his thoughts. Four sinister Behrend College deviants attempted an escape from the Behrend Jail this weekend. Included in the escape attempt were two members of the in famous Kuhl Gang, and the 8.M.0.C. (Bad Men on Campus) gang. The Kuhl brothers were doing time for criminal trickery and jeopardizing the lives of fellow Behrend students. After a thorough investigation (not by Behrend Jail officials), and an anonymous tip from a Mac'and Donald Lil' or No Meat Hamburg Stand employee the students were arrested. The investigation results described the Kuhl Brothers of il legally substituting Dobbins Hall hamburgers in Mac and Donald Hamburg buns. The brothers would buy large quantities of Mac and Donald hamburgers, eat the hamburgers themselves, and then substitute Dobbins hamburgers into the Mac and Donald buns. Motorcycle Defect Victim Behrend Jail Break Then the brothers would sell the burgers as Mac and Donald burgers at inflated prices. The scheme netted thousands of dollars and went unnoticed for months. However, recently a Behrend student tried to ex change a hamburger for a milkshake at a local Mac and Donald Lii' or No Meat Ham burger Stand. The well trained Mac and Donald employee, who handles exchanges at the stand, went through the normal ex change procedures. The pro cedures consist of checking returned hamburgers for. L.S.D. lacing and a standard meat quali ty test. These tests are run for your safety and, to confirm that the hamburgers being exchanged are indeed Mac and Donald burgers. When the employee found out that the hamburger contained even less meat then the Mac and Donald hamburger the case unfolded. The brothers were sentenced to 6-8 weekends in the Behrend Jail, BEHREND COLLEGIAN (Don't take anything on this page seriously or you'll probably be offended) Collegian Donates Hat And Coat Rack Keeping with the current tone of artistic abstract functional art (i.e. the concrete Bebrend Bookends), the Behrend Collegian has donated a Hat and Coat Rack to Behrend College. The Hat and Coat Rack can be viewed outside of the Collegian office. You will see the coats and hats of many students who are utilizing this func tional art form. We spoke with Collegian Editor Chucky-Wucky Wheckman about the art form. Chuck, "We (Sonny Whipsack, the other Col legian editor and I) decided that it was time the Collegian did something for the College communi ty. Putting out one of the finest college newspapers in the country, and sponsoring dances (coming up on January 29) wasn't enough, so we presented this rack." no phone calls to Pittsburgh or N.J. for two months, and 3-4 Dob bin meals a day. Also caught in the escape at tempts were two members of the 8.M.0.C. Gang. The brothers were serving 6-10 years of hard time for three separate crimes. They were both convicted of bumper-sticker switching, no Behrend I.D. and wearing ex cessive clothing in the Behrend Bookstore. The brothers had apparently failed in a bumper sticker swit ching plot. The plot involved put ting their front, bumper parking stickers on their back bumpers and putting their back bumper stickers on their front bumpers. The brothers were also ap prehended in the Erie Hall for not carrying their Behrend College I.D. at all times, and for illegally wearing large multi-pocketed coats and large baggy pants in the Behrend Bookstore in an ap parent plot to steal some com memorative bookends. Recently the Collegian took a staff photo. Not present in the photo are: Chuck Beckman (co editor), John Skrzypczak ( co-editor), Pam Hillkirk (man. editor), Mark Welton (business manager), Joe O'Keeffe (sports editor), Steve Nesbit (lab technician), and staff members, Erin Caverly, Claire DeSantis, Tom Hicks, Wendy, Kline, Ron Leonardi, Jeff Lewis, Lisa Lubomski, Tony Newman, Mary Kay Peters, Sharyn Phillips, Margie Reiser, Josette Skobieranda, Maureen Trageser, Cyndi Warwick and Tricia Wood (ac tually everyone). The staff was being chased through the Gorge by an outraged library employee at the time of the photo. Also, many of the - self proclaimed journalists currently on the Collegian staff are wanted by the police for some reason or another. Thus, they deemed it beneficial to not be photographed. Vicious Vegetable (More next week) Collegian Staff Photo DECEMBER 18, 1981
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