DISCLAIMER: Bare End Dobbins fire revealed as elaborate hoax AMANDA STETZ jss/'.Mnt proleisur ot chjos As the one month anniversary of the Dobbins fire approaches, recent evi dence has surfaced that the whole event was a hoax. The Beacon had uncovered that this was all a scam put on by the Univer sity. But how did they pull it off? How can the Beacon explain the destroyed structure of Dobbins? More impor tantly, why did they feel the need to pull off this trick? It is actually quite genius. They were able to accomplish it using new tech nology introduced into the engineer ing department. Mechanical and software engineers as well as com puter science majors were unknow ingly working on this plot all along. Students were told to imagine the greatest tragedy they believed that could happen on campus. The first re- Randy Geering published in Beacon for something good CONNOR SATTELY head bitch in clurge tHblCi Despite a track record of disasters, accidents, and misdeeds, Housing and Food Services Director Randy Geering was cited in an article for something positive last week when he saved a truck full of pup pies from driving into the Winter green Gorge “Rrrr ruff! Ruff!” said one of the puppies. Sources con firm that the story published last week. Ken Miller, the picture we COUld director of stu- find on Google. dent Affairs, ex pressed concern. “I am concerned,” he said. Geering believes it is an honor. “It’s an honor,” Geering said. “It re ally does mean a lot to me that the Beacon is finally able to portray me in a good light.” Employees within Housing and Food Services said that upon reading the story, Geering collapsed back wards in his chair, knocking over a heater and sparking a fire in Senat Hall. This paper is meant as an April Fools' Day prank. Take the things you read with a grain of salt and a sense of humor, and call us in the morning. For"real"news, seethe insert. sponse was a comet hitting Dobbins or Bruno’s. Comets would have too hard and conspicuous for the engineering students to manage, so this was re jected. Besides, the point was for the students to never find out that they were part of the plot to create the image of destroying Dobbins. The second idea came from a junior software engineer, Mark Squiliam, who agreed that a totaled Dobbins would be tragic, but he suggested a fire instead. The students were told to replicate a fire using everything that they have learned so far. The result? A series of 70-yard wide plasma HD televisions that gave the illusion of Dobbins catching fire. Not that this was a breakthrough discovery on Behrend’s part. This technology was introduced in a seminar by an ex-engineer from Pittsburgh, Andrew Carey. “It’s astounding really," Carey said. The incoming chancellor of Penn State Behrend, Donald Birx, is un likely to ever be as suave and debonair as Jack Burke, the outgoing chancellor, according to anyone with a clue. Burke, who has been ruling this roost since anyone can remember, says that the job of Penn State Behrend chancellor is a position of great responsibility. “You can t just stroll in here with a cock-eyed smirk and think everyone and everything will fall into line,” Burke says from his office, lightly adorned with jazz band posters and sweet satin blinds. “That isn’t how this joint rolls.” According to Burke, this campus needed someone sweet and sassy to come to Behrend, which he says was once a “50’s without an Elvis.” “The job of Behrend chancellor isn’t some easy gig. You need class, a good looking smile, and above all else, con fidence,” Burke says. Birx, who currently is the vice chan cellor and vice president of research at the University of Houston, is set to become Behrend s new chancellor this fall. Burke has something to say about Birx’s current work. “Man took a job in Texas. That strikes of good taste. 1 like that,” Sources: if he SEXTON HARDCASTLE i()/(■(» oi juthnnt\ . friday -4/12 cats/dogs “When Behrend showed interest in the lastest technology researched in Pitts burgh, they said it was going to be for the greater good of Behrend. I have a granddaughter that goes there, so I thought this would be a great way to show my thanks.” After they launched the spectacle, what did they do about the remaining structure? Students enrolled in the drawing classes at Behrend were asked to sketch what they thought Behrend would look like in a natural disater. The drawing of Amy Malchar stuck out the most to the Beacon administra tion. It showed nothing left, except for a Dobbins steel structure. After students left the scene of the fire illusion, the conspiracy team hired went to work. In the night, they put the real Gazebo on a truck, and hid it deep in the Gorge. They put the fake steel structure in its place. Birx don't mean a thing tth t ’ Photo provided by a more magnificent future. The only my Burke could be more dapper: super macho-stashe, shown above. Burke says. “But at Behrend, you got to be cool, not hot like the Tuscan sun.” At an open forum held this semes ter, Birx said that his first priority after coming to Behrend would be to talk and listen. Burke says he took a different ap proach when coming here. “If you're cool enough, everyone i Saturday /3X sunny, chance of acid U Q rain late in evening The trick went unnoticed until Joe Radak, a freshman physics major, no ticed something peciular. “I noticed the Gazebo was engulfed in flames the night before,” Radak said. “No one could deny that. But the next morning, when I walked by, I no ticed there was snow on the Gazebo. It hadn’t snowed in three days. How could snow still be on the Gazebo?” The conspiracy team was anticipat ing a snowstorm on the next day, so they went ahead and put snow on the Gazebo. When it didn’t snow, the con spiracy team hoped that no one would noticed. “I noticed,” said Mandie Cral, a freshman and Erie native. “But the snow in Erie is so much different than everywhere else. This snow could fall in Hell and it wouldn’t melt.” So the last question remaining? Why? Why would Behrend do this to us? just sort of stops and listens to you,” Burke says. “That's how you know you've got it." When asked what advice he would offer to any future Behrend chancel lor, Burke kicked his feet up onto his desk, closed his eyes for seven sec onds, sighed, and whistled. “Boy, you know. The baby bird’s got to learn to fly.” Choose your own ending! If you think the fire was engineered by a diamond smuggling ring made up of Behrend administrators, turn to If you think the fire took place to rid the world of the “Dobbins Effect,” turn to If you think the school faked the fire because no students were angry at Housing and Food Services for every thing, and Director of Housing and Food Services Randy Geering’s job was deemed too easy, turn to page two. Metzgar construction site “not burned down” Emergency crews have not re sponded to a fire that has not occured at the Metzgar construction site at Penn State Behrend, sources confirm. The fire did not start shortly after 11:30 p.m., and within hours, no equipment or materials had caught on fire. “It’s really a tragedy,” said the direc tor of Student Affairs, Kenneth Miller, referring to his mistake in leaving his lunch at home. “I was looking forward so much to my daily peanut butter and banana sandwich.” Structural engineers, examining the construction site the day after the fire did not occur, have said that the build ing seems to be sound. Officials expect the construction’s completion date to be set back at least until Fall 2010. Workers confirmed that the site was not heavily damaged in the not very intense flames. One worker reacted angrily to the disaster which did not happen. “You're the second person from that crappy newspaper that’s been around asking us about this thing that didn’t happen,” said the worker, Bill Ding. “And stop looking at us like you think we’re going to catch on fire, too. We’re not.” ©Sunday cloud V' X v chance of 4(X +B) apathy in where x = proximity of nearest zombie horde page four. page three. CONNOR SATTELY heatl bitih in < barge iHHK /
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