I The Behrend Beacon Top five of the week... By Brad kovalcik staff w riter .aw* ' " £>2?' „ •c* W .***>* It is that time of year again. Time for everyone to %>Mn. scramble to meet with then' advisor-;, check out \ '****» 4* ratemyprofessor.com. and pull util their hair as they . * * -* 7L try to pick the rijiht classes I'or next semester. In * \ + -■* order to ease the frustration and lighten up vour - aPT if'"* course loa.d I give to vott the.. -'T,. - v.v ' * ' ' w./-- "Vr* .... . •. ' .s '£■ ‘ " ' r •' ’ ’ - • ~ . ■ \ ***' -*< «>•• * v *V • t -■ Top 5 Courses not oftereJ in Spring‘o7l .•» • • v Ben Raymond/THE BEHREND BEACON 5. PHIL 031 - The philosophy of the philosophy of philosophy. Try wrapping your head around that. 4. MUSIC" 138 - Introduction to The Misfits. The true fans get the joke 3. COMM 000 - Baby Talk. This also counts as a foreign language. 2. ENGL 333 - R.L. Stein and the effects of Goosebumps on the nation. Truly influential writing. 1. KINES 250 - Twister. Enough said. The world around you By Ben Raymond humor page editor U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld resigned from office this week. Bush's new secre tary hasn't quite got the lips to syne up yet. After two years, two poorly named kids, and one failed reality show later. Britney Spears and Kevin Fedcrline have called it quits. Each are getting half of the trailer. In related news. K. Fed's new album is recciung heavy criticism and poor sales due to the fact that his raps sound worse than a eat choking on a mouse stuck in a blender. Hollywood couple Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philhpe have also decided to end their marriage of eight years. T his w ill probably result m the making Return of the purple hair By Liz (vbulski staff writer I really want to Faccbonk friend the person who wrapped a leg bandage on the Joe Paterno Statue in ft out ol Beaver Stadium this week. I low xvm pathy tied with humor. Professors who ei\e in between grades such as "('+ or B-" followed with the comment such as "1 haven't made up im mind yets"'They expect you'to just take that an okay grading ilk I wish 1 Could say that to the.college when my tuition bill comes. "Yeah. SlO-S 1.000 dollars will he paid. 1 haven't made up my mind yet." and hav e that be okas. too. 1 have one question 1 really want to ask the people who administer the driver's license test. If I bought that new Lexus that can parallel park itself, would that be considered cheat- ing on the test? Why does the college ask stu dents to ttive more money for a senior gift when they get near graduation? Banks don't tell homeowners. "Congrats on finally paying off your mortgage over the last 30 years. Now we'd like you to pay a little more to thank the bank for lendine sou money! The 1.000 freshmen outside Perry and Niagara last 'lhursday night participating in a Snowball War. 1 don't care if you pelt each other in the lace till you're miss ing a few teeth and your nose has frostbite. In fact. 1 loved watching it. However, when you start pelting innocent bystan dards then I gel just a little pissy. Hope you kids enjoy sugar in your cars' gas tank. Retaliation sucks. Ever notice how most of the college girls who think they're really hot stuff and god s gift to men use that attitude as code for “I’m actually very trashy and my Disclaimer: All artici of Witherspoon's next film, “Legally Blonde 4: Pointless and Terrible." Bill Cosby's sexual assault case was settled. The terms of the settlement have not been released, but the word is that a lot of pudding pops will be chang in'.: hands. A hospital in Japan is planning to set up the coun try's first "baby hatch." where mothers can drop off unwanted children to be put up for adoption. This is merely a trick by the government. They have to feed God/illa somehow. A Portuguese priest offered beer and forgiveness to the captors which kept him hostage for 19 hours. They drank happily until they found out it was in fact, not beer at all. Comedian Dane Cook has been criticized as being not funny. Watch your coats folks. requirement is that it just have it pulse." Even just looking at these girls makes you feel like vou should no net tested. Put is planning a "Blue Out" loi then game against WVU. flits just hits me laughing for many reasons, hit's a Thursday night game. The rivalry isn't even important enough for a Saturday game slot. 2) Pitt ven dors cant agree on what color blue to make the merchandise in. 3) Combining a "Blue Out" with the y ellow of the seats in Heinz field is going to make it look like one WVU color happy place. (Pitt's colors are blue and gold, not blue and mustard yel low. for those looking to refute the last statement). When you walk into a public restroom stall and toilet paper is everywhere. What possesses someone to do this? Was the toi let paper taunting you .’ Did Scott,. Tissue not make the paper cor rectly? Last time 1 checked the goal of "toilet papering." was' doing it in a place that WASN'T a bathroom. fhc "Naked Quad Run" Rule. Yup. Brilliant idea to have on a campus where the male-to female ratio is about a gagillion to one. Gentlemen, it doesn’t take a Stats Major to figure out the likelihood of you playing against more fellow dudes than chicks. On a more serious note to both sexes* consider the gaggle of people - you’ve played against in the game where this rule is u,sed; jipw many of them have ypu really wanted to see run naked, hmn? The fatio there is probably |bout a to one, too. - Dudes, annoying when you won't let a girl know your status together. This entails: just friends sans benefits, just friends with benefits, dating, exclusive dating, or together in a relation ship. Dragging out the period where you don’t clarify things is idmo: T‘ r like this scenario: Your favorite team is in the championship game against its most hated riv al. The final play that decides who will win is just about to begin. Surprise! I walk in and put the game on pause, for all of eternity. And no, you can't text your best bud for the final score either. Those kids in your class who believe they know more about the topic than the professor and continuously make comments conveying such just loud enough for people around them to hear. Hey Pal, I'm not paying for a class in w'hich I have to hear your "more coirect facts" about the subject, nor am I being test ed on it. So STFU or leave. Having a second child has apparently made Britney Spears slightly smarter. months aftir the birth of her second son, t Jayden James, the pop star has filed for divorce from # husband/rapper/dancer Kevin FederlnU. While the divorce is a smart career move, she still loses points for missing the memo entitled, "Like what he did to his last baby mama isn’t going to happen to you.” Finals week needs to get here soon. We’re all running out of money and need to sell back our books to get money. This need is usually so big that many of us forgo keeping the book to study for the final (even when it would be a better idea for our GPA’s sake) just to get the money. Girls who get worked up over their dude "not showing his emotional side”. Your man is not meant to be Oprah. Further more, unless he’s one of those overly emo-kids, you possibly won’t even see his “emotional side" for a very long time. Start viewing it as, let’s say, the Yeti. It may or may not exist, but sometimes people come up with fuzzy pictures of it. Me fail english, that’s unpossible By Jerry Pohl calendar page editor 1 was in geography class and on the map there was this place called Latin America. Well, 1 tell you 1 stood right up and walked out of there. As 1 left I told the teacher, "This is America, and we speak English.” Showed her...if she understood a word 1 was saying. 1 don't want them coming over from Latania or wherever and thinking they can make us speak their language. I don't live in Latin America; I live in American America, which we usually just call America. 1 sing the National Anthem in English; the first few lines anyway. I don't know the words after that so 1 mumble the Fledge of Allegiance for filler. 1 don't buy any of this Latin root word crap, English orig inated in England where it self-generated fully formed from the cheers shouted after defeating the French over and over. My friend wanted me to watch this foreign film; no thank you. 1 won't even watch it if it's dubbed, it never sounds right. And I find subtitles personal ly offensive; if I wanted to read 1 wouldn't talk so loud. And then there are TV shows in Spanish, that’s trouble waiting to happen. What if someone's kid walks in and hears that gibberish? I doubt he'll get a perfect 400 on the SAT verbal after that. And let's not forget Canada, kowtowing to a The man’s guide to surviving college life By Ben Raymond humor page editor The college male is a compi creature. In his thirst for kno' edge he is bound to come aero; number of difficulties and ch; lenges in everyday life. These are some helpful hi and examples of how to m; your four, five or even six year; little bit easier. First and foremost: “Duct t; can fix anything. If it can't fixed by duct tape it does: deserve to be fixed at all,” stai Pat Webster 05 HIST. Time management is a important. “If you wait until the last minute it will only take a minute,” states Webster. Laundry day is one of the worst days ever. The college male will go as long as possible to avoid doing laundry. There are a number of tactics to avoiding the dreaded laundry day. The first and easiest thing to do when it comes to laundry is to just give your clothes the “smell” test. If it smells clean, it is close enough. Even if it is not the freshest thing in the closet, there is always the magic of Febreze. By using that you can squeeze an extra couple of wears from any piece of clothing. If all else fails, just keep buying socks and under wear. It doesn’t matter that in the time it takes to go to Wal-Mart you could have done a whole load of laundry. That’s irrelevant, because next time you’ll just have more and can wait even longer. If you do manage to make time for laundry the heater in your room is not and should not be used as a dryer. The fire department might not take you seriously when you say your pants are burning. Friday, November 10, 2006 minority of their population by having two official languages. This is another example of why other countries should learn to speak English. Every year that they don't, they fall further and further behind America - in every area but education, which we were smart enough to give up on. And I’m on to you England, you and your bunch of nonsense word substitutions don't fly with me. I blame Shakespeare. He started mucking up the language back in whenever he wrote books. He’s probably from somewhere weird cause he couldn’t talk right either. I’ve read that stuff in English class of all places. Nothing could be further from English without being Spanish. Shakespeare's probably the reason people don’t care what language they have to speak, because their perception of the one true language has been corrupted by that Elizabethan gibberish. But the ones that really suffer are the children. By not teaching them English, their nations are crippling them for life; depriving them of the opportunities that only come with being able to speak to successful people; people that can talk right. If we hesitate to do something about this, we'll be struggling to hold our own against other languages. It's time to fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here. The president should just make English the official language for the whole world. One of the most important things the college male needs is food. While Ramen Noodles cost seven cents per package, eating something that costs less than the water you use to cook it in may not be a wise decision. Pizza is an acceptable meal at any time of day. The rule is if you can still flex it, it’s good to eat. The five second rule is no longer in effect. If you can pick it up off the floor it is fair game. Getting along with the people in your building is very important. There are certain activities that they would not find funny. These include a stack of pen nies in the door jamb, a Johnstown flood, shaving a patch out of the back of someones heard,or taking their towel or keys when they are in the shower. This is an easy way to make enemies on your floor and is not encouraged, no matter how funny it is. There is not nearly enough room to provide all the information necessary for college life. Hopefully this will get you on your way to living the easy life. This will be continued in future issues, so stay tuned.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers