I The Behrend Beacon
Top five of the week...
By Brad kovalcik
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It is that time of year again. Time for everyone to %>Mn.
scramble to meet with then' advisor-;, check out \ '****» 4*
ratemyprofessor.com. and pull util their hair as they . * * -* 7L
try to pick the rijiht classes I'or next semester. In * \ + -■*
order to ease the frustration and lighten up vour
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course loa.d I give to vott the.. -'T,. - v.v ' *
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Top 5 Courses not oftereJ in Spring‘o7l .•» • • v
Ben Raymond/THE BEHREND BEACON
5. PHIL 031 - The philosophy of the philosophy of philosophy. Try wrapping
your head around that.
4. MUSIC" 138 - Introduction to The Misfits. The true fans get the joke
3. COMM 000 - Baby Talk. This also counts as a foreign language.
2. ENGL 333 - R.L. Stein and the effects of Goosebumps on the nation. Truly
influential writing.
1. KINES 250 - Twister. Enough said.
The world around you
By Ben Raymond
humor page editor
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
resigned from office this week. Bush's new secre
tary hasn't quite got the lips to syne up yet.
After two years, two poorly named kids, and one
failed reality show later. Britney Spears and Kevin
Fedcrline have called it quits. Each are getting half
of the trailer.
In related news. K. Fed's new album is recciung
heavy criticism and poor sales due to the fact that
his raps sound worse than a eat choking on a mouse
stuck in a blender.
Hollywood couple Reese Witherspoon and Ryan
Philhpe have also decided to end their marriage of
eight years. T his w ill probably result m the making
Return of the purple hair
By Liz (vbulski
staff writer
I really want to Faccbonk
friend the person who wrapped a
leg bandage on the Joe Paterno
Statue in ft out ol Beaver
Stadium this week. I low xvm
pathy tied with humor.
Professors who ei\e in
between grades such as "('+ or
B-" followed with the comment
such as "1 haven't made up im
mind yets"'They expect you'to
just take that an okay grading
ilk I wish 1 Could say that
to the.college when my tuition
bill comes. "Yeah. SlO-S 1.000
dollars will he paid. 1 haven't
made up my mind yet." and hav e
that be okas. too.
1 have one question 1 really
want to ask the people who
administer the driver's license
test. If I bought that new Lexus
that can parallel park itself,
would that be considered cheat-
ing on the test?
Why does the college ask stu
dents to ttive more money for a
senior gift when they get near
graduation? Banks don't tell
homeowners. "Congrats on
finally paying off your mortgage
over the last 30 years. Now we'd
like you to pay a little more to
thank the bank for lendine sou
money!
The 1.000 freshmen outside
Perry and Niagara last 'lhursday
night participating in a Snowball
War. 1 don't care if you pelt each
other in the lace till you're miss
ing a few teeth and your nose
has frostbite. In fact. 1 loved
watching it. However, when you
start pelting innocent bystan
dards then I gel just a little pissy.
Hope you kids enjoy sugar in
your cars' gas tank. Retaliation
sucks.
Ever notice how most of the
college girls who think they're
really hot stuff and god s gift to
men use that attitude as code for
“I’m actually very trashy and my
Disclaimer: All artici
of Witherspoon's next film, “Legally Blonde 4:
Pointless and Terrible."
Bill Cosby's sexual assault case was settled. The
terms of the settlement have not been released, but
the word is that a lot of pudding pops will be chang
in'.: hands.
A hospital in Japan is planning to set up the coun
try's first "baby hatch." where mothers can drop off
unwanted children to be put up for adoption. This
is merely a trick by the government. They have to
feed God/illa somehow.
A Portuguese priest offered beer and forgiveness
to the captors which kept him hostage for 19 hours.
They drank happily until they found out it was in
fact, not beer at all.
Comedian Dane Cook has been criticized as
being not funny. Watch your coats folks.
requirement is that it just have it
pulse." Even just looking at
these girls makes you feel like
vou should no net tested.
Put is planning a "Blue Out"
loi then game against WVU.
flits just hits me laughing for
many reasons, hit's a Thursday
night game. The rivalry isn't
even important enough for a
Saturday game slot. 2) Pitt ven
dors cant agree on what color
blue to make the merchandise in.
3) Combining a "Blue Out" with
the y ellow of the seats in Heinz
field is going to make it look
like one WVU color happy
place. (Pitt's colors are blue and
gold, not blue and mustard yel
low. for those looking to refute
the last statement).
When you walk into a public
restroom stall and toilet paper is
everywhere. What possesses
someone to do this? Was the toi
let paper taunting you .’ Did Scott,.
Tissue not make the paper cor
rectly? Last time 1 checked the
goal of "toilet papering." was'
doing it in a place that WASN'T
a bathroom.
fhc "Naked Quad Run" Rule.
Yup. Brilliant idea to have on a
campus where the male-to
female ratio is about a gagillion
to one. Gentlemen, it doesn’t
take a Stats Major to figure out
the likelihood of you playing
against more fellow dudes than
chicks.
On a more serious note to both
sexes* consider the gaggle of
people - you’ve played against in
the game where this rule is u,sed;
jipw many of them have ypu
really wanted to see run naked,
hmn? The fatio there is probably
|bout a to one, too.
- Dudes, annoying when
you won't let a girl know your
status together. This entails: just
friends sans benefits, just friends
with benefits, dating, exclusive
dating, or together in a relation
ship. Dragging out the period
where you don’t clarify things is
idmo:
T‘
r
like this scenario: Your favorite
team is in the championship
game against its most hated
riv al. The final play that decides
who will win is just about to
begin. Surprise! I walk in and
put the game on pause, for all of
eternity. And no, you can't text
your best bud for the final score
either.
Those kids in your class who
believe they know more about
the topic than the professor and
continuously make comments
conveying such just loud enough
for people around them to hear.
Hey Pal, I'm not paying for a
class in w'hich I have to hear
your "more coirect facts" about
the subject, nor am I being test
ed on it. So STFU or leave.
Having a second child has
apparently made Britney Spears
slightly smarter. months
aftir the birth of her second son,
t
Jayden James, the pop star has
filed for divorce from
#
husband/rapper/dancer Kevin
FederlnU. While the divorce is a
smart career move, she still loses
points for missing the memo
entitled, "Like what he did to his
last baby mama isn’t going to
happen to you.”
Finals week needs to get here
soon. We’re all running out of
money and need to sell back our
books to get money. This need is
usually so big that many of
us forgo keeping the book to
study for the final (even when it
would be a better idea for our
GPA’s sake) just to get the
money.
Girls who get worked up over
their dude "not showing his
emotional side”. Your man is
not meant to be Oprah. Further
more, unless he’s one of those
overly emo-kids, you possibly
won’t even see his “emotional
side" for a very long time. Start
viewing it as, let’s say, the Yeti.
It may or may not exist, but
sometimes people come up with
fuzzy pictures of it.
Me fail english, that’s unpossible
By Jerry Pohl
calendar page editor
1 was in geography class and on the map there
was this place called Latin America. Well, 1 tell you
1 stood right up and walked out of there. As 1 left I
told the teacher, "This is America, and we speak
English.” Showed her...if she understood a word 1
was saying. 1 don't want them coming over from
Latania or wherever and thinking they can make us
speak their language.
I don't live in Latin America; I live in American
America, which we usually just call America. 1 sing
the National Anthem in English; the first few lines
anyway. I don't know the words after that so 1
mumble the Fledge of Allegiance for filler. 1 don't
buy any of this Latin root word crap, English orig
inated in England where it self-generated fully
formed from the cheers shouted after defeating the
French over and over.
My friend wanted me to watch this foreign film;
no thank you. 1 won't even watch it if it's dubbed,
it never sounds right. And I find subtitles personal
ly offensive; if I wanted to read 1 wouldn't talk so
loud. And then there are TV shows in Spanish,
that’s trouble waiting to happen. What if someone's
kid walks in and hears that gibberish? I doubt he'll
get a perfect 400 on the SAT verbal after that.
And let's not forget Canada, kowtowing to a
The man’s guide to surviving college life
By Ben Raymond
humor page editor
The college male is a compi
creature. In his thirst for kno'
edge he is bound to come aero;
number of difficulties and ch;
lenges in everyday life.
These are some helpful hi
and examples of how to m;
your four, five or even six year;
little bit easier.
First and foremost: “Duct t;
can fix anything. If it can't
fixed by duct tape it does:
deserve to be fixed at all,” stai
Pat Webster 05 HIST.
Time management is a
important. “If you wait until the
last minute it will only take a minute,” states
Webster.
Laundry day is one of the worst days ever. The
college male will go as long as possible to avoid
doing laundry. There are a number of tactics to
avoiding the dreaded laundry day.
The first and easiest thing to do when it comes to
laundry is to just give your clothes the “smell” test.
If it smells clean, it is close enough. Even if it is not
the freshest thing in the closet, there is always the
magic of Febreze. By using that you can squeeze an
extra couple of wears from any piece of clothing.
If all else fails, just keep buying socks and under
wear. It doesn’t matter that in the time it takes to go
to Wal-Mart you could have done a whole load of
laundry. That’s irrelevant, because next time you’ll
just have more and can wait even longer.
If you do manage to make time for laundry the
heater in your room is not and should not be used as
a dryer. The fire department might not take you
seriously when you say your pants are burning.
Friday, November 10, 2006
minority of their population by having two official
languages. This is another example of why other
countries should learn to speak English. Every year
that they don't, they fall further and further behind
America - in every area but education, which we
were smart enough to give up on. And I’m on to
you England, you and your bunch of nonsense
word substitutions don't fly with me.
I blame Shakespeare. He started mucking up the
language back in whenever he wrote books. He’s
probably from somewhere weird cause he couldn’t
talk right either. I’ve read that stuff in English class
of all places. Nothing could be further from English
without being Spanish. Shakespeare's probably the
reason people don’t care what language they have
to speak, because their perception of the one true
language has been corrupted by that Elizabethan
gibberish.
But the ones that really suffer are the children.
By not teaching them English, their nations are
crippling them for life; depriving them of the
opportunities that only come with being able to
speak to successful people; people that can talk
right. If we hesitate to do something about this,
we'll be struggling to hold our own against other
languages. It's time to fight them over there so we
don’t have to fight them over here. The president
should just make English the official language for
the whole world.
One of the most important things the college male
needs is food. While Ramen Noodles cost seven
cents per package, eating something that costs less
than the water you use to cook it in may not be a
wise decision.
Pizza is an acceptable meal at any time of day.
The rule is if you can still flex it, it’s good to eat.
The five second rule is no longer in effect. If you
can pick it up off the floor it is fair game.
Getting along with the people in your building is
very important. There are certain activities that they
would not find funny. These include a stack of pen
nies in the door jamb, a Johnstown flood, shaving a
patch out of the back of someones heard,or taking
their towel or keys when they are in the shower.
This is an easy way to make enemies on your floor
and is not encouraged, no matter how funny it is.
There is not nearly enough room to provide all the
information necessary for college life. Hopefully
this will get you on your way to living the easy life.
This will be continued in future issues, so stay
tuned.