6 I The Behrend Beacon The dastardly Dan Sedan dishes delight fully deplorable, dauntingly dubious, and disparagingly despicable advice By Dan Snedden assistant news editor Dear Dan “The Man" Sedan, I’m in charge of the humor page for my college newspaper, but I can’t think of what to write! The best I could come up with was trying to w rite a ter ribly lame advice column. I know that I’m not very witty but I'm giving it my best shot. I would appreciate it if you could give me some ideas. Please help me out, my editor is really on my back about it and if this week's issue doesn't go well, the humor page will be canceled! Nad Neddens Penn State Harborcreek, the Dnerheb Egelloc Dear Mr. Neddens, Your problem is simple. You are not funny; you should not do comedy. You should not even attempt to be humorous. Your articles are not funny. They, like you, are offensive and reek of foul odor from the lowest form of life, namely you. The best thing you can do for your pa thetic attempt at a humor page is to crawl under a rock and die. If not for you, then for all of our sakes. You disgust me you sick, talentless hack. Dear Dr. Dan Sedan, I am an albino and I'm always afraid I’ll get lost in the snow and no one will find me. How can I avoid this? White in Spite, PA Dear White, Many people share your problem. Sadly, you are afflicted with albinitis. Interestingly, 0.000025 percent of this campus is albino. Albinitis is caused by using too much bleach in your laundry or contact with albinos (more commonly known as white people). This is a com municable disease and medical science has yet to find a cure. Fortunately, I have a few suggestions that will prevent you from getting lost in the snow. Get a black dog to lead you around; wear reflectors; paint yourself orange; dress as a goth; become a rap per and wear gaudy jewelry and have your entourage point at the bling; or stop going outdoors. Dear Dr. Dan Sedan, In the winter my feet always get re ally sweaty in my boots. What can I do to stop this problem? Sweaty in South-Bend Dear Svveatv, There are a number of solutions for this problem. Two are very obvious: walk around bare-footed, or cut your feet off. If these solutions seem a bit imprac tical, you’re in luck, for I too am a sur vivor of Sweaty Feet Syndrome (SFS). SFS Anonymous is a support group for people plagued with SFS, they provide emotional support and alternative foot wear to alleviate fellow sufferers. SFS Awareness Week is Feb. 13-19. Survi vors and families will be gathering for open discussions and suggestions for remedies. The conference will be held on, Feb. 15 from II a.in. to 2 p.m. in McGarvey Commons. All are welcome to attend. Dear Dan “The Ladies Man” Sedan, My boyfriend never listens to me and I can't stand it! I used to really like him but since he's stopped listen ing to me my feelings for him are start ing to weaken. What should I do? Ignored in Illinois Dear Ignored, Drop the zero and get with the hero! 814-217-2167 or dassolB(a>psu.edu. Dear Dan “The Man” Sedan, 1 work at a pharmacy and I need to know what chemicals it takes to de compose a body REALLY fast. Time IS a factor; I need to know by Mon day... this is for a Biology class. Re ally. Knot Guilty, Erie - I mean Pitts burgh PA Dear Inconspicuous, Well. I'm glad you’re in that biology class, t 00... I certainly wouldn’t know anything about this subject. If a base so lution with a pit level of less than 2 would do it, 1 definitely wouldn’t know. How ever you should be sure to get plenty of sunshine , fresh air and heat , but don't get burnt. If you do it will smell which may attract unwanted attention. But I wouldn’t know anything about that ei ther. Next r lestion please! HUMOR HVIZDAK’S PHOTO OF THE WEEK jrrorizes . - spirit - canine camps ca , was named has recently spookc ip qi commotion by frightening students who approach the condiment cart. The Behrend family was unavailable for comment. Behrend hires new professor! Professor Joe Stalin has been hired as the head of Behrend’s School of Tyran nical and Authoritarian Studies. “I will work closely with Police and Safety,” said Stalin. “We should have an officer on duty on every comer, in every building and in every dorm room.” Stalin wants not only to revamp Behrend’s School of Tyrannical and Authori tarian Studies, but he has a five year plan to, “either coerce or crush all those who do not submit to the authority of the People’s School of Tyrannical and Authori tarian Studies. We do not want to use force, but if we must deprive the people of basic human rights to make them all equal in our utopian society of oppression for all, by all, then I don’t care who we must kill -1 mean, resocialize to accom plish this.” Behrend Rocks! Hurricane force rock hit Behrend Friday evening around 9 p.m. 18 injured, five missing, presumed dead. Stephen Wolfe escaped by Rushing to take a Magic Carpet Ride, saving Foreigner exchange stu dent Tom Sawyer, and earning the title of Juke Box Hero. Baba O'Riley, Whoever that is, described the situation as a "teenage wasteland." In response, SAF has announced they will fit the Reed build ing with rocket boosters and fly it to Boston. Beacon Long Term Weather Forcast: Ragnarok hits Behrend. Gotterdammerung will soon begin. This is Fimbulvetr, the winter of winters, three consecu tive winters with no summer in between. First Balder will be cut down by Loki’s mistletoe, thrown by Hod. Midgard will freeze. Skoll will eat the sun, and Hati will eat the moon. The stars will go out. assistant news editor and psychic hotline consultant ARIES- You find yourself in a cold, the last wish on what really counts (that SAGITTARIUS- Tomorrow your desolate, dark and snow-covered place, being material things) you will die. Pain- mother will call and tell you who your Literally and metaphorically, that is. fWly. real parents are. It turns out that you are TAURUS- Red meat is not an option . LEO- Alignment of planets will have die heir to the Burgundian throne. The when you find yourself on a blind date no weight on your life in any way. If you evil Prime Minister exiled you as a baby with a vegan! You can take heart in the must "consult the stars” before making and you were raised by a breed of chim fact that the date will end terribly and any decisions I suggest that you get out panzees native to Burgundy. Your adop you will end up spending the remainder rtf the dark ages you backwards, socially five parents (who are truly renegade lin of the evening laying on your couch inept dolt. It’s a gimmick, get over it. guists at the time on the lam in Bur stuffing your face with bacon in an at- VIRGO- Blick-Mama! Ich schreibe gundy) found you as a small child and tempt to eat away your loneliness. auf Deutsch! leh sollte das flir die Ruhe took you in. GEMINI- As you have no friends, you des Jahres tun. Wenn ich tue, dann kann CAPRICORN- The stars are tired right will waste your days away playing com-ich Leute ohne sie das Wissen now and won’t tell me your horoscope puter solitaire. Don’t look at it as a sad, bcleidigenl r because they have a few chapters to read sad, way to plow through lifts. See it as a LIBRA- You will befriend an eccen- for political science and an eight o’clock challenge! After all, there are build a time class tomorrow, binations to computer solitaire After many AQUARIUS- You are not yourself to are seconds that have passed tg with the day. You should be wary of Sagittarius, began. will finally Sadducees, salivation, Sasquatch, and CANCER- You will go meant for satire. < catch a magical fish. The fish jur signifi- PISCES- This is a turbulent time in you three wishes, you will v iJtherwise boring your love life. A time will come when two on frivolous things such words just aren’t enough, make your ness and love. When you decide to use . SCOREjO-Always lookon the bright points by brandishing a weapon! By Jerry Pohl staff writer Beacon Horoscopes By Dan Snedden * Friday, January 21, 2005 Fjalar and Gullinkambi will crow. Loki and Fenrir will break their chains. Jormungand will invade the land and his leav ing the sea will release Naglfar to sail under Hymir’s com mand. Loki will lead an attack on Asgard. Surt will lead the fiery giants from Muspell to join him. Hel will send the ship of the dead, with Loki at the helm. Hiemdall will sound his horn, Gjall, throughout the nine worlds. On the field of Vidgard, the battle will be fought. Fenrir will swallow Odin, only to be ripped apart by Vidar. Loki and Hiemdall will die at each other’s hands. Thor will slay Jormutgand and perish from the venom. Garm and Tyr will fall in battle against each other. Surt’s fire will destroy Freyr, along with Asgard and Midgard. Finally, Earth will sink into the sea. Forecast based on RuindarlOOO. Lottery Numbers This week’s winning lottery numbers: 3, -9, 5/3, sin 3pi/4, square root of -1, Power Ball: Undefined LIVE YOUR DREAM AND GET ONE FREE GUIDED TOUR OF THE BEHREND # BEACON OFFICE!!! This coupon redeemable the second Tuesday of any week between 4 a.m and 4.05 a m.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers