6 I The Behrend Beacon
The dastardly Dan Sedan dishes delight
fully deplorable, dauntingly dubious,
and disparagingly despicable advice
By Dan Snedden
assistant news editor
Dear Dan “The Man" Sedan,
I’m in charge of the humor page for
my college newspaper, but I can’t
think of what to write! The best I could
come up with was trying to w rite a ter
ribly lame advice column. I know that
I’m not very witty but I'm giving it
my best shot. I would appreciate it if
you could give me some ideas. Please
help me out, my editor is really on my
back about it and if this week's issue
doesn't go well, the humor page will
be canceled!
Nad Neddens Penn State
Harborcreek, the Dnerheb Egelloc
Dear Mr. Neddens,
Your problem is simple. You are not
funny; you should not do comedy. You
should not even attempt to be humorous.
Your articles are not funny. They, like
you, are offensive and reek of foul odor
from the lowest form of life, namely you.
The best thing you can do for your pa
thetic attempt at a humor page is to crawl
under a rock and die. If not for you, then
for all of our sakes. You disgust me you
sick, talentless hack.
Dear Dr. Dan Sedan,
I am an albino and I'm always
afraid I’ll get lost in the snow and no
one will find me. How can I avoid this?
White in Spite, PA
Dear White,
Many people share your problem.
Sadly, you are afflicted with albinitis.
Interestingly, 0.000025 percent of this
campus is albino. Albinitis is caused by
using too much bleach in your laundry
or contact with albinos (more commonly
known as white people). This is a com
municable disease and medical science
has yet to find a cure.
Fortunately, I have a few suggestions
that will prevent you from getting lost
in the snow. Get a black dog to lead you
around; wear reflectors; paint yourself
orange; dress as a goth; become a rap
per and wear gaudy jewelry and have
your entourage point at the bling; or stop
going outdoors.
Dear Dr. Dan Sedan,
In the winter my feet always get re
ally sweaty in my boots. What can I
do to stop this problem?
Sweaty in South-Bend
Dear Svveatv,
There are a number of solutions for
this problem. Two are very obvious:
walk around bare-footed, or cut your feet
off. If these solutions seem a bit imprac
tical, you’re in luck, for I too am a sur
vivor of Sweaty Feet Syndrome (SFS).
SFS Anonymous is a support group for
people plagued with SFS, they provide
emotional support and alternative foot
wear to alleviate fellow sufferers. SFS
Awareness Week is Feb. 13-19. Survi
vors and families will be gathering for
open discussions and suggestions for
remedies. The conference will be held
on, Feb. 15 from II a.in. to 2 p.m. in
McGarvey Commons. All are welcome
to attend.
Dear Dan “The Ladies Man” Sedan,
My boyfriend never listens to me
and I can't stand it! I used to really
like him but since he's stopped listen
ing to me my feelings for him are start
ing to weaken. What should I do?
Ignored in Illinois
Dear Ignored,
Drop the zero and get with the hero!
814-217-2167 or dassolB(a>psu.edu.
Dear Dan “The Man” Sedan,
1 work at a pharmacy and I need to
know what chemicals it takes to de
compose a body REALLY fast. Time
IS a factor; I need to know by Mon
day... this is for a Biology class. Re
ally.
Knot Guilty, Erie - I mean Pitts
burgh PA
Dear Inconspicuous,
Well. I'm glad you’re in that biology
class, t 00... I certainly wouldn’t know
anything about this subject. If a base so
lution with a pit level of less than 2 would
do it, 1 definitely wouldn’t know. How
ever you should be sure to get plenty of
sunshine , fresh air and heat , but don't
get burnt. If you do it will smell which
may attract unwanted attention. But I
wouldn’t know anything about that ei
ther. Next r lestion please!
HUMOR
HVIZDAK’S PHOTO OF THE WEEK
jrrorizes . - spirit - canine camps ca , was named has recently spookc ip qi
commotion by frightening students who approach the condiment cart. The Behrend family was unavailable for comment.
Behrend hires new professor!
Professor Joe Stalin has been hired as the head of Behrend’s School of Tyran
nical and Authoritarian Studies.
“I will work closely with Police and Safety,” said Stalin. “We should have an
officer on duty on every comer, in every building and in every dorm room.”
Stalin wants not only to revamp Behrend’s School of Tyrannical and Authori
tarian Studies, but he has a five year plan to, “either coerce or crush all those who
do not submit to the authority of the People’s School of Tyrannical and Authori
tarian Studies. We do not want to use force, but if we must deprive the people of
basic human rights to make them all equal in our utopian society of oppression
for all, by all, then I don’t care who we must kill -1 mean, resocialize to accom
plish this.”
Behrend Rocks!
Hurricane force rock hit Behrend Friday evening
around 9 p.m. 18 injured, five missing, presumed
dead. Stephen Wolfe escaped by Rushing to take a
Magic Carpet Ride, saving Foreigner exchange stu
dent Tom Sawyer, and earning the title of Juke Box
Hero. Baba O'Riley, Whoever that is, described the
situation as a "teenage wasteland." In response,
SAF has announced they will fit the Reed build
ing with rocket boosters and fly it to Boston.
Beacon Long Term
Weather Forcast:
Ragnarok hits Behrend.
Gotterdammerung will soon begin. This is
Fimbulvetr, the winter of winters, three consecu
tive winters with no summer in between. First
Balder will be cut down by Loki’s mistletoe, thrown
by Hod. Midgard will freeze. Skoll will eat the sun,
and Hati will eat the moon. The stars will go out.
assistant news editor and psychic hotline consultant
ARIES- You find yourself in a cold, the last wish on what really counts (that SAGITTARIUS- Tomorrow your
desolate, dark and snow-covered place, being material things) you will die. Pain- mother will call and tell you who your
Literally and metaphorically, that is. fWly. real parents are. It turns out that you are
TAURUS- Red meat is not an option . LEO- Alignment of planets will have die heir to the Burgundian throne. The
when you find yourself on a blind date no weight on your life in any way. If you evil Prime Minister exiled you as a baby
with a vegan! You can take heart in the must "consult the stars” before making and you were raised by a breed of chim
fact that the date will end terribly and any decisions I suggest that you get out panzees native to Burgundy. Your adop
you will end up spending the remainder rtf the dark ages you backwards, socially five parents (who are truly renegade lin
of the evening laying on your couch inept dolt. It’s a gimmick, get over it. guists at the time on the lam in Bur
stuffing your face with bacon in an at- VIRGO- Blick-Mama! Ich schreibe gundy) found you as a small child and
tempt to eat away your loneliness. auf Deutsch! leh sollte das flir die Ruhe took you in.
GEMINI- As you have no friends, you des Jahres tun. Wenn ich tue, dann kann CAPRICORN- The stars are tired right
will waste your days away playing com-ich Leute ohne sie das Wissen now and won’t tell me your horoscope
puter solitaire. Don’t look at it as a sad, bcleidigenl r because they have a few chapters to read
sad, way to plow through lifts. See it as a LIBRA- You will befriend an eccen- for political science and an eight o’clock
challenge! After all, there are build a time class tomorrow,
binations to computer solitaire After many AQUARIUS- You are not yourself to
are seconds that have passed tg with the day. You should be wary of Sagittarius,
began. will finally Sadducees, salivation, Sasquatch, and
CANCER- You will go meant for satire. <
catch a magical fish. The fish jur signifi- PISCES- This is a turbulent time in
you three wishes, you will v iJtherwise boring your love life. A time will come when
two on frivolous things such words just aren’t enough, make your
ness and love. When you decide to use . SCOREjO-Always lookon the bright points by brandishing a weapon!
By Jerry Pohl
staff writer
Beacon Horoscopes
By Dan Snedden *
Friday, January 21, 2005
Fjalar and Gullinkambi will crow. Loki and Fenrir will break
their chains. Jormungand will invade the land and his leav
ing the sea will release Naglfar to sail under Hymir’s com
mand. Loki will lead an attack on Asgard. Surt will lead the
fiery giants from Muspell to join him. Hel will send the ship
of the dead, with Loki at the helm. Hiemdall will sound his
horn, Gjall, throughout the nine worlds. On the field of
Vidgard, the battle will be fought. Fenrir will swallow Odin,
only to be ripped apart by Vidar. Loki and Hiemdall will die
at each other’s hands. Thor will slay Jormutgand and perish
from the venom. Garm and Tyr will fall in battle against each
other. Surt’s fire will destroy Freyr, along with Asgard and
Midgard. Finally, Earth will sink into the sea.
Forecast based on RuindarlOOO.
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