r : n »- v ~ News and weather Students enjoy Crack with the Provost by Agent Katherine 10th wonder of the world “It’s all about the crack, baby,” Dean and Provost John Lilley told a group of 2,500 students that gathered in the Reed Commons for the monthly Crack with the Provost. All together, attendance has increased 400% from this time last year, when the Provost was still hosting Pizza with the Provost. After calling a meeting with Residence Life supervisors, all involved decided to change the format from formal, to a big, dirty crack house environment. Students gathered in the Commons to find various pipes of all sizes and shapes to enhance their enjoyment of the meeting with the Dean. The normally tame meeting turned into party central when the Dean announced that crack would now be legal on Question of the HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT TOPLESS TABLE DANCERS BEING USED TO Where can l get an application? 1 kinda like his idea As long as they’re not lesbians with an campus at all times. Students cheered, lit up and smoked the night away. In addition to the legalization, the engineering labs in the Hammermill Building will be converted to crack production labs to keep the crack on campus. When asked why he wants the drugs to be kept on campus, Lilley said, “They’re our drugs. We don’t want those dirty sorostitutes to bring them in off the streets, we already have all their diseases on campus.” To help students with the rising cost of crack the bookstore will offer students special prices on Fridays for eightballs. There are also plans to branch out Behrend’s drug cartel and turn the ski slope into a field of rotating drug crops that will include marijuana, mushrooms and in several years’ opium. Lilley hopes to eventually merge Behrend with the town of Wesleyville and create the largest drug ring in Erie County. This will all be put into effect in this Fall semester when Behrend Week INCREASE ATTENDANCE AT UNIVERSITY EVENTS? Silicon Shirlee, 69 Prostitution Major Pope John Paul 11, 2000 AD Papal Studies “agenda.” Randall Bigot, local pinhead Me like boobies Provost and Dean John Lilley Do I get my executive discount? plans to offer a new major to students. The Drug Sciences major will be headed up by current Assistant Political Science Professor, Dr. Robert Speel, with Dr. Jim O’Laughlin serving as Department Head of the School of Drugs. With all the changes coming on campus, including the ARC and Trippe Hall, Lilley feels that crack production is the way to raise the funds for these projects. “Students always protest when we raise tuition prices, so why not go the way of our Colombian friends?" Lilley also has been quoted as saying, “we want to increase the number of students on this campus to include a majority from the drug producing countries of South America”. The event was such a success that Residence Life has decided to include crack at almost every campus event next semester. The Big Willy Clinton, Commander in chef Athletic Department has agreed to help out and get rid of the Spirit Stations and make them Crack Stations during sporting events in the ARC. For further information about how to receive work study in the crack production labs next semester please contact Bongo in the Beacon office. Behrend student lights up in the Reed Commons. 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 4/1/2000 police And Safety Racoon sodomized in apartment quad.. Leprechaun spotted in Beacon Office. Arson suspected in TXirnbull fire. Officers sent to put out Macintosh bonfire in Wintergarden. Mike Frawley’s body found in gorge. Greeks suspected Behrend student illegally parks cow in Lawrence Hall Lobby. Police and Safety Durango stolen by student in Almy Hall. 1:06:30 Police and Safety officer involved in hit-and-run with unknown white Durango. P Q
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