page 6.0, The Behrend Bacon. April 1,1900 T News “ AIZ appears on by the quitter from Quory cult member Finally! An organization has been formed on campus dedicated solely for the purpose of binge drinking! Alpha Sigma Sigma, or AXI, now has a local chapter at Behrend. This co-ed, social fraternity has only one premise - to throw a kegger every night of the week and to have at least one toga party a week. There will be no false claims at community service or campus betterment. "Unlike most social organizations, we make no claims at trying to better the Behrend community. We are simply in it for the parties," stated Christina Aguilera, the fraternity's recently-elected president. Other officers of AXX include Monica Lewinsky, vice president; John McCain, secretary; and Bill Gates, treasurer. AZI charges $5OO a year in dues, which treasurer Gates admits is rather high. “We do charge a premium in dues, but we also need to buy much more alcohol than most social orga nizations." McCain added, "True, we are basically buying our friends, but Graphic represen tation of Bruno’s ghost INTRAMURAL ROUNDUP Coed Naked Twister Entries: Deadline is Friday, March 24, at 4:00 p.m Entry Fee: $.47 will be charged to your student account Divisions: Latex, Jello, and Mud Tournament: Round robin. Top two teams will advance to a single elimination championship bracket. Time and Place: Matches will be played Monday thru Thursday in Dean Lilley’s office Notes: Please, no painting of colored dots anywhere on body “Right hand on ” Coed Naked Bungee Jumping The Office of Intramural and Recreational Programs will be sponsoring a bungee jumping trip in Inter- course, PA When: The trip is Saturday, April 47. Transportation will be provided. The trip will leave around 7:00 a.m. and will return sometime the following year. Cost: $25.00 per person, which must be paid at the time of the jump or no bungee cord will be provided. Beware of chaffing from bungee cords. Registration: Deadline is Friday, March 13 1/2, at 4:00 p.m. At time of registration you MUST have: Student ID, payment in full (non-refundable), driver s license to verify you are 18, and herpes. they will be premium friends. And besides, who would associate with us if we didn't buy our friends? We are all losers." Lewinsky confesses that she is in AZZ only to get more friends. “I was a loser in high school. I thought the quickie ... I mean, quick stint in the Oval Office would boost my popularity, but it didn’t. And now that the Jenny Craig thing fell through, what choice do I have? Besides, why else would someone join a social organization if not to buy friends because they can’t get them any other All will be going through spring rush next week. Aguilera advises anyone interested in the organization to speak up now because members of AZZ won't be able to talk to anyone starting next week. “There is really no reason why we don’t talk to people. We just like to ostracize people on campus and make our selves look better than everyone else," she commented. Aguilera openly admits to the hazing that goes on within the organization. "Sure, there’s hazing. There is always hazing. We are just honest enough to admit it.” Rituals Jay’s best friend campus include campus vandalism, spanking, bong making contests, drink-a-thon’s, cow tipping, and sexual prowess exhibits. AZZ is also looking into getting Erie Hall turned into their frat house. “We would like to get a bunch of cots set up so that we can get as many sorostitutes in here as possible,” McCain stated. “And men, too!” Lewinsky added. Many of the other social organizations on campus are protesting the new chapter of AZZ. Aguilera defended AZZ, saying, “They object to us because we are honest. Maybe we aren’t the smartest guys. Maybe we spend a little too much time puking off of balconies. But we have fun. We aren’t lying about the stuff we do. No, we don’t have a charity that we ‘support.’ We do haze. We do drink. In fact, all we do is drink. But, since everyone else is doing the same thing, I don’t know why we get criticized for being truthful. That is one thing we do that no other organization does.” Anyone interested in AZZ should contact McCain, who has the most spare time on his hands out of everyone in the organization. m vf i 'i Spirit of Bruno haunts campus by KoolKarl editor of kool stuff A member of the cleaning staff made a startling discovery on March 27 at 10:45 p.m. While mopping the floor in Bruno’s, Nikki Dial noticed that the portrait of Bruno the dog was shedding tears. “I saw water running down the painting so I wiped it off. Then I noticed that the water was actually tears running from the dog’s eyes. Shortly afterwards the smell of dog food surrounded me.” Dial promptly alerted Housing and Food Services. Since that incident, a number of strange events have occurred in Bruno’s. Chairs have been knocked over at night, paw prints have been seen on the floor, and a collection of Pokemon cards has been stolen. Dean Lilley remarked, “ I was sorting through my prized Pokemon collection while eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 1 momentarily looked away and then I noticed that my cards were gone. In their place was a number of pieces of dog hair. I need my damn Pikachu card back! Without it I will never be able to beat Ken Miller in next week's Pokemon tournament!" In hopes of reaching Bruno the dog’s spirit. Housing and Food ■Services conducted a seance on ' March 29. After a number of attempts, Bruno was contacted. He Coed Naked Foosball Entries: Deadline is Friday, March 24, at 1:00a.m. Entry Fee: $2.69 will be charged to your student account Divisions: plastic balls, real balls, no balls Tournament: who ever wacks it the hardest, wins Time and Place: Matches will be played on the Reed Lawn so everyone can join in the naked fun Notes: Please wear sunscreen when playing any outdoor sport naked, you really don’t want to be getting blisters, do you? Coed Naked Bull Riding The Office of Intramural and Recreational Programs will be sponsoring coed naked bull riding for all stu- dents When: As soon as we can find a bull Cost: $25.00 per person, which must be paid at the time of registration. Lunch of bull’s balls will be pro vided as soon as the competition is over. Registration: Deadline is Friday, March 24, at 4:00 p.m. You must register at the IM office and at the time of registration you MUST have: Student ID, payment in full (non-refundable), driver’s license to verify you are 18, and you will be asked to sign a waiver. Students from Corry are prohibited as they tend to be to “friendly” toward the bulls. said that he was sad because the Penn State Men’s basketball team lost aeainst Notre Dame in the NIT Tournament Bruno also told Lilley that his Pokemon cards were stolen by Miller. Bruno explained that Miller stole the cards so that Lilley would have to forfeit the Pokemon tournament Upon hearing this Dean Lilley was shocked: "No bones about it, I’m madder than a dog at Miller. He’d better keep his paws off my cards!” Miller responded, “Lilley is barking up the wrong tree.” Police and Safety found the cards in Miller's office. An investigation is underway.
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