Entertai Collision Arles (March 21-Aprll 19) You are screwed. Go hide in a closet and don't come out until the year 2000. By the way, hope your birthday sucks. Taurus (April 20-May 20) You are a mean, vindictive no-good. You will suffer the loss of a close pet today, probably under the wheels of your worthless car. You are not worth the time it took me to type this. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Don't even get out of bed today, you big loser. You will fail all exams today and if you are not prepared for class--the professor will call on you and make you look like the big loser you really are. Cancer (June 21-July 22) You will be cursed with lettuce between your teeth and something slimy dripping from your nose during any encounters with anyone important today. Meeting someone you are attracted to? You will develop gas so bad your plants die. If you were jeans you would be black, acid-washed, blue light special Wranglers. Leo (July 23-August 22) You are a weenie. You will get your parents in a fight today and all with qi,he collision rate /slight ctop ten lines to leave your lover with nment your professors think you are a brown noser. Leave the apple at home and develop a personality for God's sake. You make Oscar Meyer look cool. Virgo (August 23-September 23) You are as likable as pond scum, You will never have a functional relationship as long as your mouth works. Try telling the truth today and maybe your soul can be saved. If you were meat you would be Spam. Libra (September 23-October 23) You are more spineless than that weenie Leo. You will be beaten severely about the head and shoulders today by a gang of disgruntled Girl Scouts for agreeing to buy 238 boxes of thin mints when you know you have no money in your sorry excuse for a wallet. Beaten by Girl Scouts??? The L in Libra stands for LOOOO--Za I I I. Scorpio (October 24-November 22) Kick any puppies today? Stole from the homeless? You probably will later you pathetic sorry excuse for a zodiac sign. Try not to run over any small children today, jerky. Horrorscopes 10. "It's not you...lt's me" 9. "Never would've worked...l'm a winner and you're a LOSER!" 8. "I have scurvy and I need more time for fruit." 7. "That boil on your butt? Well, I think it's time you saw the doctor." 6. "I can do this better by myself." 5. "Are you done yet?" 4. "Our signs aren't compatible. I'm an earth sign, you're water...together we make mud." 3. "Every time I see your face, I want to smash it with a brick." 2. "Remember my cousin that I went out with last week? Well, we're not really cousins." 1. "I'm confused about my gender identity and you've made it worse!" n Erie Sagittarius (November 23-December 21) You will be overcome by a deadly odor today. Too bad it comes from you. Cologne is no substitute for bathing, dirty person. Lay off the garlic too, you malodorous stinkbug. In the words of Sting, "Don't stand so close to me.." Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You are a rude, obnoxious bore. You wouldn't be so miserable if you tried a little niceness. Mean people may suck, but you really blow, you tool. Aquarius (January 20-February 19) The sixties are over, get over it and get a job. Today is the first day of the rest of your life flower child -so get off your lazy buns and become a productive member of society. And another thing, crack kills you burnt-out, good for nothing, long-haired hippie freak! Pisces (February 20-March 20) Your sign is a dead, stinky fish. You were cursed the day you were hatched, so why would today be any different? Stay on the curb and that bus may miss you and your rotten fish head. If you had a job, unlike your lazy Aquarius friend, you might have health insurance and being hit by a bus wouldn't be so bad. But instead you'll cry, "Edgar Snyder!!"'
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers