Entertai
Collision
Arles (March 21-Aprll 19) You are screwed.
Go hide in a closet and don't come out until the
year 2000. By the way, hope your birthday sucks.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You are a mean,
vindictive no-good. You will suffer the loss of a
close pet today, probably under the wheels of
your worthless car. You are not worth the time
it took me to type this.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Don't even get out
of bed today, you big loser. You will fail all exams
today and if you are not prepared for class--the
professor will call on you and make you look like
the big loser you really are.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) You will be cursed
with lettuce between your teeth and something
slimy dripping from your nose during any
encounters with anyone important today.
Meeting someone you are attracted to? You will
develop gas so bad your plants die. If you were
jeans you would be black, acid-washed, blue light
special Wranglers.
Leo (July 23-August 22) You are a weenie.
You will get your parents in a fight today and all
with qi,he collision
rate /slight
ctop ten lines to leave your
lover with
nment
your professors think you are a brown noser.
Leave the apple at home and develop a
personality for God's sake. You make Oscar
Meyer look cool.
Virgo (August 23-September 23) You are as
likable as pond scum, You will never have a
functional relationship as long as your mouth
works. Try telling the truth today and maybe
your soul can be saved. If you were meat you
would be Spam.
Libra (September 23-October 23) You are
more spineless than that weenie Leo. You will be
beaten severely about the head and shoulders
today by a gang of disgruntled Girl Scouts for
agreeing to buy 238 boxes of thin mints when you
know you have no money in your sorry excuse
for a wallet. Beaten by Girl Scouts??? The L in
Libra stands for LOOOO--Za I I I.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22) Kick any
puppies today? Stole from the homeless? You
probably will later you pathetic sorry excuse for a
zodiac sign. Try not to run over any small children
today, jerky.
Horrorscopes
10. "It's not you...lt's me"
9. "Never would've worked...l'm a winner and you're a LOSER!"
8. "I have scurvy and I need more time for fruit."
7. "That boil on your butt? Well, I think it's time you saw the doctor."
6. "I can do this better by myself."
5. "Are you done yet?"
4. "Our signs aren't compatible. I'm an earth sign, you're
water...together we make mud."
3. "Every time I see your face, I want to smash it with a brick."
2. "Remember my cousin that I went out with last week? Well, we're
not really cousins."
1. "I'm confused about my gender identity and you've made it worse!"
n Erie
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
You will be overcome by a deadly odor today.
Too bad it comes from you. Cologne is no
substitute for bathing, dirty person. Lay off the
garlic too, you malodorous stinkbug. In the words
of Sting, "Don't stand so close to me.."
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You
are a rude, obnoxious bore. You wouldn't be so
miserable if you tried a little niceness. Mean
people may suck, but you really blow, you tool.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19) The
sixties are over, get over it and get a job. Today
is the first day of the rest of your life flower child
-so get off your lazy buns and become a
productive member of society. And another
thing, crack kills you burnt-out, good for nothing,
long-haired hippie freak!
Pisces (February 20-March 20) Your sign is a
dead, stinky fish. You were cursed the day you
were hatched, so why would today be any
different? Stay on the curb and that bus may
miss you and your rotten fish head. If you had a
job, unlike your lazy Aquarius friend, you might
have health insurance and being hit by a bus
wouldn't be so bad. But instead you'll cry, "Edgar
Snyder!!"'