Newspaper Page Text
BY FRED'K L. BAKER
If GERMA N BITTERS,
Prepared by Dr. C'. 21: Jackson,
IS NOT A BAR-ROOM DRINK, OR A
SUBSTITUTE FOR RUM,
Or an Intoxicating Beverage, but , a highly con
centrated Ve., table Extract, a Pure Tonic,
free from ap. m stimulant or injurious drugs,
and ' d ally cure
HOOPLAND'S GERMAN BITTERS
WILL CURE EVERY CASE OP
Chionic or Nervous Debility, Disease of the
Kidneys, and Disease, arising from a
onszavE THE FOLI,OWTSIG SYMPTOMS
resulting from disorders bf the digestive organs:
Constipation, In ward Piles, Fuiness or Blood
to the Head, Acidity of the Stomach, Nausea,
Heartburn, Disgust for Food, Fullness or
weight in the Stomach, sour eructations, sink-
gag or fluttering of t a Pit of the Stomach,
iwimming of the flea , hurried and difficult
sreathing, fluttering a the heart, choking or
suffocating sensations hen in a lying posture,
dimness of vission, d i s or webs before the
sight, fever and dull in in the head, defici
ency of perspiration, llowness of the skin
and eyes, pain in the a e, back ,
, chest, limbs,,
&c., sudden flushed of h at, binning in the flesh,
constant imroaginings of evil, and great de
pression of 'spirits.
• Brisk Fe•
A Good Constitution,
A Strong Constitution,
A Healthy Conatitutto
A Sound Constitution
WILL MAIZE Ti
Will catlike the
NV,II make the
Will make Um
Will make the
Clear and Bright.
<, sing in everylamily.
i perfect safety by male
A R NOTICE.
stations void under the
p in quart bottles, cam
, st Whiskey; or common
to 40 cents per gallon,
Anise or Coriander seed.
has caused and will con
ag as they can be sold,
eatb of a. drunkard. By
a keptcontinually under
Mugu: stimuiaats of the
'e for liquor rs created and
iult is all the horrors at
kard's lite and death. Be-
MR Make the Dull e
L 3 'Will prove a hie
,L'irCitri be used wi
or Female, Old or, Yu
1- I AI LTI Cu
There aro ninny pr
mime of Bitters, put
puunded of the chea ,
Item, costing from •
he taste disguised b
This class of Hitt..
,inue , to cause, as 1
Jundreds to die tte
their use the system
the influence of a
worst kind, the de
kept up, and the r
readmit upon it&
ware of them..
For those who d
bitters, we pubiis
Get one bottle ll
mix with three
Brandy, and the r
that will far exce
hitters in the plat*
You will have all 0
ters in connection
and at a much le,l
away, with scar
are cured in a ye
such cases, will '
sire and will have a liquor
he following receipt:
F, Rand's German Bitters and
I arts of good Whiskey or
WE will be a preparation
inmedicinal virtues and
y of the numerous liquor
.t, and will east much less.
e virtues of Ilvolland'sllit
ith a good article of liquor
price then these inferior
from maraenites waiting
.ly any flesh on their bones.
short time; one. bottlii in
ye most surprising effect.
vers'of any kind—those bit
ur strength in a short time.
• u E.—Ttit chills will not iv
are used. Nu meek 111
riot should be without them
tore will renew
turn if these Bit
fever and ague d
wton Brown, D. D.. Editor
dia of Religious Knowledge.
From Rev. J.
of the Encyd
of no mita nit
tify to the benef
received from a
hope that ma
fit of others.
sposod to favor or recommend
in general, through dirtiest
is and effects; I yet know
.ason why a man may not tes
. he believes himself to have
y simple preparation, in the
thus contribute to the bene-
eadily in regard to Hoodoo d's
•repared by Dr. C. M. Jackson
ejudieed against them for a
, under the impression that,
an alcoholic mixture. lam
ieud Rob't Shoemaker, esq.,
of this prejudice by proper
.uragentent to try them, when
eat and long debility. The
es of these bitters, at the 'be
esent year, was followed by
d restoration to a degree of
1 vigor which I had not felt
fore, and had almost dispair-
I therefore thank God and
cting me to the use of them.
J. NEWTON Baowtr.
une 23, 1562.
I do this mor ,
because I was
number of yea
thty were chic
indebted to my
for the remov
tests, and for en
use of three bo ,
ginning of the
bodily and me
for six months
ed of regaining
lay friend for d
FRIENDS OF SOLDIERS
tention of all having relations
army to the fact that " Hoof
+ irters ' , will cure. nine-tenths
duced •by privation and ex
to camp life. In the lists
daily in the newspapers' on
.Isick, it will be noticed that
.ortion are suffering from de
ae ot that kind can be readi-
And , s German Bitters. We
v in Math . " if these bit-
I.d among l 'ere, hand
ht be save : otherwise
We call the
or friends in th
of the diseases
ponies incide '
the arrival of tl
a very large pr
bility. Every .
ly cured by. N. 0.
have no hesitat
ters are freely
reds of lives
would be lost.
s are daily.reelteing thankful
t' erers in the army and hospi-
Len testored tb health by the use
sent to them by their friends.
r ountorfeits !' See that the sig
. Jackson," is on the wrapper
The propriet ,
lettere from e
of these Bitter_
nature of "C.
of each bottle. I
X/ per bottle, or dozen for $5.
k per bottle, or i dozen for . .$4
;e, on account of the quantity
are much the cheaper.
nearest druggist not have the
Ut put off by any of the intoxi
ions that may be offered in its
to us, and we will` 'forward,
4; by eltoress.
Oft& and . Manufactory,
ext ARCH STREET.
3111 4 TES & EVANS,
s tO.C. NY. Jaokson & Co . 3 )
; Proprsitors. ,
Drugists and i Dealers in every
litedStates [may 30-ly
Large Size, $1
the bottles ho
article, do no . 1
place, but se
securely peck ,
Iwo in tha
..4 . .it. . )1-1...-ali,t-.4.i.a.n.
'iiheptiittnitlernisgibattla gonna': githatar to vomits, yituature, agricalturt, Seta of ittt glag, yotallnitiligna, it.
tht,blbybeb,tbtrii Zattirbq utniu
OFFlC.ECatu.r.'s Row; Front Street, fiv e
deoreibelow Shay's Hotel.
TERMS, One Dollar a year, payable in ad
vance, and if subscriptions be not, paid within
six months $1.25 will be charged, but if de
layed until the expiration of the year, $1.50
will be charged.
ADVERTISING RATES One square (12
lines, or less) 50 cents for the firstinsertion and
25 cents for each subsequent insertion. Pro
fessional and Business cards, of six Jibes or less
at It 3 per annum. Notices in the reading col
umns, five cents a-line. Marriages and Deaths,
the simple announcement, FREE ; but for aby
additional lines, five cents& line.
A liberal deduction made to yearly and half
Having recentled added a large lot'of new
Job'and Card type, Cuts, Borders, &C., to the
Job Office of “The Mariettian," which wil
insure the fine execution •of all kireie of JOH&
CARD PRINTING, from the smallest
Card to the largest Poster, at prices to suit the
FADELESS IS A LOVING HEART.
Sunny eyes may lose their brightness ;
Nimble feet forget their lightness;
Pearly teeth may know decay ;
Raven tresses turn to gray ;
Cheeks be pale and ayes be dim,
Faint the voice and weak the limb";
But though youth and strength depart,
Fadeless is a loving heart.
Like the little mountain (lower,
Peeping forth in wintry hour,
When the summer's breath is fled,
And the gaudier flowrets dead;
So when outward charms are gone,
Brighter still , doth blossom on,
Despite of Time's destroying dart,
The gentle, kindly, loving heart.
Wealth and talents will avail
When on Life's rough sea we sail,
Vet the wealth may °melt like snow,
And the wit no longer glow ;
But more smooth we find the sea,
And our eourse the fairer be,
'Cour pilot, when we start,
Be a kindly, loving heart.'
Ye in worldly wisdom old—
Ye who bow the knee to gold—
Does ibis earth as lovely seem
As it did in Life's young dream,
Ere the world had crusted o'er
Feelings good and pure before—
Ere you soldin Mammon's mart
The best yearnings of the heart
Grant me, Heaven, my earnest pray er—
Whether life of ease or care
Be the one to me assigned—
That each coming year may find
Loving thoughts and. gentle words
Twined within my bosom's chords,
And that age may but impart
Riper freshness to My heart.
SONG OF THE JOURNALIST.
Scratch, scratch, scratch,
Paragraph, Items and News,
Essays, Tales and Resiiews.
With the blackest kind of blues.
Scratch, scratch, Scratch,
Marriages, Debts and Duns,
Euln,.„ay, Gossip and Puns,
Accident Panic and Pain.
Scratch, scratch, scratch,
Battle, Riot and Raid,
Music and Cash and Trade,
Who is, and who isn't afraid
Scratch, scratch, scratch,
Apology, Challenge and Slur,
Of it, of Him, and 'of'
Invention, Humbug, and Truth,
Folly, Fashion and Youth.
Suicide, Sermon and Joke, •
Metaphysics and Smoke,
With'upwaid and downward's smoke,
Ruin,nnd Vice and Shame, •
Virtue, Hoi.or and Fame.
Scratch, scratch, scratch,
"It's easy as nothing to do."
"I could do it better than you."
To be considered a Queeti.
And nothing tit'the end of the year-
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
"You're everybody's tool,"
The reader calls you
"The editor is an ass,"
So says the critical mass, L!
If the paper stops they howl, - •
If it's a minute toolate they growl.
Scratch, scratch, scratch, •
Oh 1 Slave of the mighty Press,
The "Devil" demands "Mess,"
For subscriber's that never pity,
Oh! isn't it jolly, say'? 111
Comes there a time when wealth shall fail,
And life seems reft of every, joy ;
Comes there a time when sorrow's load
Thy brightest, - happiest hours destroy; ,
Comes there a time when friends prove false,
Accusing thee of much that's wrong—
Still work away, still work away,
Fear not, but let your , faith be strong !
Comes there a time when file shall rage,
Cousnming all thou hast in store •
Comes there a time when death shall take
Thy loved from earth forevermore;
Comes there a time when'llope's bright star
Has faded from thy wig ondong—
Be hopeful still, long as you live,
Fear not, but let your faith be strong!
ar Among the extraordinary adver
tisement in the London papers is the
following : " This is leap year.
wait no longer. So here I am, twenty
one years old, prepossessing, medium
size, ftill cheeit, prudent, sparkling eyes,
long, flowing hair, and as full of fun as a
chestut is full of meet, - born to make
some man happy, and want a home.
Does anybody want'me ?"
"Pd, is Pennsylvania the father
of all•the Other States 7"
"Certainly irk my child ; why do you
ask thanini3stion ?"
"Caulk I eee that all the. newspapers
call it Pa."
MARIETTA, PA., SATURDAY, MAY 14, 1864.
The only Safety for the Sisk :—When
an Emperor of China issues, an import
ant decree, he usually appends .to it
these words—" Respect this. A ver
million edict." The style in which the
great guns of the medical profession de
liver their opinions islittle less author
itative and dictatorial. -Itisof no use
to remonstrate' with them. Byron, in
his last sickness, told his medical advis
er (medical• dictator is the more appro
priate term) that he was bleeding him to
death, lAA the remark was unheeded;
and the lancet was used again and again
until the prefessional homicide was
completed. We verily believe that
thousands of sick persons' are killed ev
ery year by the various modes of violent
depletion in vogue among "regular"
practitioners. This murderous work
cannot, we would fain hope, last much
longer. A salutary, revolution is in
progress. Since the introduction of
HOLLOWAY'S celebrated Pills and Oint
ment into this country, a'-new light-has
broken in upon us. We have begun to
discover that the disordered action of
the great internal organs can be regu
lated and health restored, without re
sort to mineral poisons. That instead
of mercury, - which in the end withers
"marrow, bones and all,'i HolloWlty's
Pills, whidh are 'exclusively vegetable,
are all-safficent for the cure of liver
complaint, disorders of the bowels, and
all diseases arising from indigestion.
We have also found out that scrofula,
cutaneous eruptions, and cancers, ab
scesses and all kinds of ulcers, heal and
are radically cured by Holloway's Oint
ment. The reign of 'calomel, caustic
and other medical destructives, draws
to a close, and we may possibly live to
see the day when Holloway's life-sue
taining remedies will be the a/p7ta and
omega of the people's materia medico..
LIQUOR IN THE . ARMY.—Gen. Howard
made the following sensible remarks as
to liquors in the army, in a late speech :
I did not drink at college, I did not
drink at West Point; but when I got
into the army I found it was all the
fashion. If you went into an officer's
quarters the hist thing was to offer you
something to drink. It was thoughtyou
did not treat him with proper respect if
you did not. I fell into the habit. I
drank whisky and offered it to others.
When I was stationed at. Florida, I
once offered whisky to an officer, and he
declined. I urged him to drink, and he
drank. A short time. after I attended
bile in the horrors of delirium tremens,
and I made up my mind that it was
wicked, and that I never would do it
again; and I have not. I do, not keep
it in my quarters or my tent. Ido not
-to any officer or to any man, and
I will not. I know it is a_hixrd stand to
take, especially for a young officer ; but
I can say from my-own experience that
ft will pay.
OPINION OF ATTORNEY-GEN. BATES.- - -
Gov. Andrew some time since addressed
a letter to the President, remonstrating
against the refusal of the United States
paymasters to . pay Chaplain Harrison,
of the 54th Massachusetts (colored)
regiment, his legitiruate pay and allow
ances, they tendering him $lO a month,
which it is claimed that colored troops
are only to receive. The President re
ferred the matter to Attorney General
Bates, asking his opinion. The Attor
ney General has decided that Chaplain
Harrison is a chaplain in 'the service,
and that as such he is entitled to full
pay—paymasters having no discretiona
ay power to withhold pay from officers
in the service on account of •their color.
He also gives it as his . opinion that the
law fixing a low rate of pay, for •colored
persons in the army, was intended to
apply to 'those who' are laborers, and not
to tiegio soldiers in the field, and while
performing the Same duties 'as other
soldiers of fairer complexion.
sr Punctuation, that is, the putting
the stops in the right places, cannot be
too sedulously studied. We lately
read, in a country paper, the following
startling account of Lord Palmerston's
appearance in the House of Commons :
""fiord Palmerston then entered on his
head, a white hat upon his feet, large
but well poliahed boots upon his brow,
a darkcloud in his hand, his faithfnl
walkinglstick in his eye, a menacing
glare saying nothing. He sat down."
ar If the color of Jeff. Davis' skin,
says Prentice, -were tp. strike in, his
tfodl WOOld'be white. I' the color of hie
soul were to' strike, out, his skint would
Parscavc YOUR FURS—Fars should
never be put away for the summer and
forgotten, as they so frequently are;
and, next to being shut up from the air,
their greatest enemy is dampness. If
from the wearer being exposed to rain
they become wet, they should always be
dried, at a moderate distance from the
fire immediately ; and in warm weather
when not required for wear, they should
never be shut in a box or drawer for
more than a few days at a time, and ev
ery few weeks they should be shaken
The more delicate skins require some
what more delicate treatment. The
best plan is, probably, not to pack furs
away, but to let them lie away in a drawer
or wardrobe thatis constantly being
opened, so that they meet the eye fre
quently, and thus at convenient oppor
tunities they may be taken out and beat
en, or at any rate shaken and tossed,
and exposed to the air. It is a common
remark that moths get into furs, as if
the insect migrated from place to place.
Furs and wollens anoanimal•stibstances,
which develope living organism through
the decay of its material shape. Clean
liness and airing are absolutely necessa
HARD TO SETTLE.--Congress has passed
a bill assigning the old House of Repre
sentatives Chamber as a gallery for
reception of two marble or bronze stat
ues of the two most illustrious civic or
military men of each State of the Union.
This will be a more difficult and exciting
question than a Presidential question
in peace times. Men may agree to
elect persons to the Presidency whom
they believe inferior to themselves : but
in a question of superiority, every man
is a great man, and,will deem the be
stowal of such honor upon another as
a direct robbing of himself. The millions
of illustrious men, in their own estima
tion, which this fortunate or unfortunate
country possesses, will occasion such a
competition for this honor ambng them,
that the gallery at Washington is likely
to remain empty, because, of inability to
make a satisfactory selection.
THE FORUM; OF THE ARMY;-The
Washington Chronicle of the Ist inst.
says that its private advices from the
army indicate that the troops were
never in better spirits, or in more effi
cient condition then they are to—day.
They are eager for the, fray, and confi
dent of success. They look to this cam
paign as the final.one of the war, and
while duly estimating the gallantry and
steady endurance of the foe, they patient
ly await the signal which is to hurl the
reinvigorated legions of the Republic
against the choicest troops of the Re.
hellion-- Grant is regarded •as doing
his work thoroughly, and, when the strife
begins they expect it to be vigorously
and successfully followed up.
sir On Friday of last week the good
people of Jersey City were thrown into
a ferment by-the escape of a man in the
worst stage of small-pox, and iu a de
ranged state of mind, from his boarding
house, and perambulating the streets, to
the terror of the passers by. Making
his way to the police station, he soon
caused an evadnation of the premises by
the valorous officials, with one exception
and that one turned the poor creature
into the street; Fin'al4, after having
wandered about, inoculating no one
knowshow many with the loathsome dis
ease, the patient was'overhauled by offi
cer Valade, whiz althottgh feeling no
special immunity from the disease, seized
him, and after a sharp tassel, - conveyed
him to the hospital.
illar A little girl had a beautiful head
of hair, which hung in clustering curls
down on her neck. One hot summer
day she went up stairs and cut all the
curls of Coming down she met her
mother, who exclaimed, with surprise:
"Why, Mary, what have you been doing
to your hair ?" To which she replied
that she had cut it off, and laid it away
in her box, but that she intended to put
it on again to-morrow, as, aunt Nancy
ler In °hinge, a few days ago, a man
caught a rat
,that three years before he
caught and branded, in Albany, N. Y.
There was no mistaking the Obit; it
was tile same old rat whose tail had been
Itbbraviated and side burnt • three years
agq, seven.bundred miles from Chicago.
tom' A dispatch from St. Louis says
that Capt.,Todd, cousin of Mrs. Lincoln
and formerly Confederate ProVost
shall at Alexandria, has, arrived
the Federal lines s wirl his . family and
glven himself u . -
THE PENNSYLVANIA MnurrA.--It is not
probible that there'will be a call made
on Governor Curtin for the militia of the
state, at this time. We un.derstand, how
ever, that the militia of the Western
states were tendered, and accepted by
the President to protect Cincinnatti,
Cairo, Paducah, Columbus, and exposed
points on the Mississippi river. The
militia of New York are to garrison the
fortifications in New York harbor, and
the New England militia are to perform
the same service in the fortifications of
Boston harbor, and along the Eastern
Governor Curtin tendered militia, be
fore the battle of Chancelloraville, to
garrison the fortifications around Wash
ington city, and he has ever since been
in readiness to furaisbtroops )vhen need ;
ed by the national authorities. If the
militia were taken from the state now,
to be of service to the Government, it
would be necessary for such forces to go
to Virginia; and the points there are too
important, and too much tisposed to be
garrissornid . by green troops ; and in
case of an invasion, the military force
of the state would be thus exhausted.
and our border left at the mercy of the
invader. We are happy to have it in
our power to announce that the most
cordial and'recipiocal feelings exists be
tween the national and state authorities,
and that, in any emergency which may
occur, there is a perfect understanding
to control and give force to their com
bined action.----Harrisburg Telegraph.:
AN It:omm. OF Snitoll.—,During the
battle of Shiloh, an officer huriiedly
rode up to an aid and inquired for
Grant. " That's him with the- field,
glass," replied the aid. Wheeling his
-horse about, the officer furiously rode
up to the General, and, touching hie
cap, thus addressed him : qSlieherale I
vante to make one report; Schwartz's
Battery is took." "Ha!" says the Gen
eral, "how was that ?" "Vell, you , - see,
Sheneral, de t--d shesheshnists come
up in front of us, de' t—d shesheahnists
flanked us, and de t—d sheabeshnists
came in de rear of us, and Schwartz's
Battery vas took." "Well, sir," said
the General, "you.of course spiked- the
guns." "Vat !" exclaimed the Dutch
man in -astonishment, "schpike dem
guns, schpike dem new guns! No, it
would schpoil dem !" "Well," said the
General, sharply,. "what did you do ?"
"Do ! vy, we took dem ha& again !"
WHAT SITE WANTED.-A. good story
is told of a -young woman who-had re
cently been converted at a, 'camp meet
ing:• The minister had told her that if
she had faith the Lord would give her
whatever she would ask in prayer.. Be
lieving implicitly iii his words, she one
evening retired to a grove-and fervently
prayed the LOrd to give her a rnan. It
so happened-that hn owl sat up in ono
of the trees, and being disturbed, gaVe
out a hoo-o-o I She thought the Lord
had heard her prayer and only wished
to know her choice. She was overjoyed,
and with the greatest thankfulness of
spirit answered back, "Anybody, Lord,
if it's only a man."
Goon RULES sort Aw..—Profane swear
ing is'abominable. Vulgar language is
disgusting. Loud laughing is impolite.
Inquisitiveness is offensive. Tattling is
mean. Telling lies is contemptible.:—
Slandering is devilish. Ignorance is dis
graceful, and laziness is shameful.
Avoid all the above vices and aim at
usefulness.' This is the road in which
to become respectable. Walk in it.
Never be ashamed of honest labor.
Pride is a curse—a hateful vice. Never
act the hypocrite. lieep good company.
Speak the truth at all times. Never be
discouraged but persevere, and moun
tains will become mole hills.
A ''NovEE NoilcE.-A landlord of
some premises in West Ham parish,
having a tenant about to quit possession
at Michaelmas, exhibited a notice in
the usual way—
"Thislouse to be let." The tenant,
by way of preventing the letting, has
exhibited a placard in the window, with
the following notice: "Leaving in con-
sequence of bad smells arising from
WORTH TRynrc.—The Ohio Farmer
says, that coal oil has been found, by ac
cident, to be a most effective means of
protecting fruit trees against the ravages
of the cnrculio, by pleceing saw-dust,
saturated with the oil, at the foot of the
Themomen of:Utah have recently
altered the orthography-of their :creed,
They now spell 'it Moreman.
VOL. 10.-NO. 41.
Odds and Ends.
The following is a very significant
epistle to the present degenerate age,
which if answered correctly would be
found to contain more truth than poetry :
Is there a heart that never sighed?
Is there a tongue that never lied ?
Is 'there an eye that he ver blinked ?
Ii there a man that never drinked ?
Is there a'woman that never fainted?
ithere a woman that never painted?
If so, then heart, and tongue, and eye
Must, tell a most confounded lie.
"Sambo, does yer know why dem
noisy birds is called carrion crows for f"
"Gosh, Jerry, I got him ? Case dey
carry on so over a dead hose."
Jerry Diggs remembered his miserly
uncle in his will, for he bequeathed "to
my mother's brother a gun-flint, and a
kW° to•skin. it with."'
Girls sometimes put their lips out
poutingly bebause they'are `angry, and
sometimes because tbeir lips are dis
posed to meet yours half way.
The announcement of the marriage, at
Auburn, of Mr. Edward Straw to Miss
Eva Smiley, suggests the probability
that he ticketed her wit i h a proposal
and that she smiled a consent.
"Sir," said a lady. to a would-be wag,
"your jokes always put me in mind of a
ball." "Of a ball, madam) why so,
pray ?" "Because they never have any
A boarding-house keeper, advertises
to "furnish gentlemen with pleasant and
comfortable rooms, also' one or two gen
tlemen with wives." •
"Sweethearts at a distance will please
accept this intimation'," was appended
to 'a reciank marriage annountement in
England, instead of the conventional
"You have not one drop of the great
Napoleon's blood in your veins," said
testy old Jerome one day in a pet to:his
nephew the Emperor. "Well" replied
Louis Napoleon", "at all events I have
his whole family on my shoulders."
An able physiologist has written that
one-fifth of the human body is composed
of phosphorus. Punch remarks that
this most likely accounts for the number
of matches made.
A 'victim of sea-sickness described the
sensation thus : The first hour I was
afrain should die ; and the second hour
I was afraid I shouldn't."
"Sam what mechanical work did you
first do?' "cut teeth," replied the wag,
A Ca!pepper-farmer, on whose farm
the opposing pickets are stationed, re
cently remarked to a Union officer :—"I
hain't took no aides, in this yer rebellion;
but I'll be dog gorned if both sides hain't
Jekyll was told that one of his friends,
a brewer, had been drowned in one of
his own vats. "Ah, he exclaimed, "float
ing-on his • watery bier."
Profound silence in a public assem
blage has been thus neatly described:—
"One might have heard the stealing of
a pocket handkerceief."
An "irregular" doctor in New Orleans,
who is not recognized by the "regulars, ,
asked a friend what would make the
most attractive sign for his establish
ment. "A coffin With a duck rampart,"
was the reply.
Where is the sugar the most profita
ble to grocers?'At the . bottom of their
molasses measures.' "'
To convert an artless maiden into a
heartless one, there only wants a "he."
"Those dear eyes of thine!" as the old
gentleman said when he bought hie wife
a handsome pair of gold spectacles.
"A lass! a lass!" exclaimed an old
bachelor who wanted to marry. "Alas!
alas!" he cried, after he had been mar
A gentleman having occasion to call
on a certain writer, found him at home
in his writing chamber. He remarked
the great heat of the apartment, and said
it was "as hot as an oven." "So it ought
to be," replied the author "for 'tie here
that I make my bread."
"Captain," said a son of Erin as a
ship was coming on the coast in hide
ment winter weather, "have ye a alma.
nick on board 2"
"No, I haven't."
"Thin be jaber,?' replied Pat, "we shall
have to take the weather as it comes."
It would be a bad thing for a child to
get a wasp in his mouth, but be can't
even say his Alphabet without getting
A B in it
Why are good . resolutions like faint,
log ladies Because they want carry