OUR BUDGET OF HUMOR, LAUGHTER-PROVOKING STORIES FO3 LOVERS OF FUN. The Sumo Old Story Trio Tody of tli Ifoiue-Unrealised—Force of Knowledge v*. Wisdom—An Easy Quo —III* Position, Etc., Etc. There was arming fellow named Flynn, Who bet on the races to wynn; He placed all his cash On the very first dash, And to get back to town be walked run. —New York World. „ Tlie Lady of the House. Mrs. Proper Caper—"Jnmes, I ad vertised for a lady's companion." James—'"Vis, mum. Tho cook wants a "helper, you know."—Judge. Unrealized. "There was a time when T fhrroglrt he showed traces of genius." "Yes; but he's jumped over fbe traces."—Philadelphia Record. Force of Hubltw "Give np the keys of tho cltyf de manded the chief of the allies. "You got cheekee?" asked the cor poral of the guard at Pekln.—'Phila delphia North American. Knowledge vs. \yiedom. "What's the difference between knowledge and wisdom ?" "Well, it takes knowledge to bnlld nn automobile, but it takes wisdom to run it"—Chicago Record. An Easy One. Mr. Aekitt—"How is it that no mat ter how small a chunk of Ice I get it always weighs thirty pounds?" Icema—"That's as low as the scales go, m' friend."—Baltimore American. Hl* Position. Mrs. Hoon—"Mrs. Bnbbleby can talk entertainingly in three different lan guages." Mf. Hoon—"Yes; and I have noticed that her husband lias to keep still in one."—Judge. For Distant Friend*. "JVell, that caps the climax.'* "What's that'/" "Cook says those folks In that little house on the corner came over while we wore gone and had their photo graphs taken sitting on our veranda." —lndianapolis Journal. Full ot Water. "How do you feel now?" asked his rescuers. "Like a Jersey trust," gasped tho balf-drOwned nun, faintly. Then they rolled him on the barrel some tnore, for they, too, wero finan ciers.—Carper's Bogar. Crushed. Office Day—"Here's your poems, sir; de editor says dey are not half bad, and he's sorry.—-" v" w Poet—''Ah! Indeed. . Office.Boy—"Yes, sir. Sorry dat ho read 'em, and he says dey are all bad. Good day, sir,"—Philadelphia In quirer. —J"*,."-" ■ . m 1— . He Folt It Keenly* Elderly Spinster (horrified)—"Ltttle boy, aren't you ashamed to go in bath ing in such a public plaoe with such a bathing suit as that on?" Small Boy—"Yes'm: but me mother makes me wear it I'll take it off, though, if you'll promise to say noth ing to her about it."—Leslie's .Week ly. Its Chief Clinnn. Nodd—"This modern American life Is all wrong. Tpo much hijrry. I have Just taken a quiet retired nook In the country, where a man can have abso lute rest." Todd—"llow far away?" Nodd—"That's tho beauty of the place. Only forty minutes from my office." I.ltorry XlrrgutJoii. "Your latest novel seems very ary,' said the reader of the publishing house to tlie young but rising authos. "I was pretty sure you would say that," rejoined tho author. "Conse quently if you will count them yon will find tho heroine weeps tears on just 253 pages of my story."—Cleve land Plain Dealer. Willing to Learn. Ethel—"Mamma, don't yon think women should know how to cook, so that they may be able to look aftfer their husbands' digestion when they marry?" Mamma—"Certainly, dear." Ethel—"Mayn't I go to tho kitchen, then, and practice making butter scotch ?"—Brooklyn Life. Common Sense Piano Key*. 'l'd be willing," said the chronic dys peptic, "to give my month's salary to any man who would invent a plnuo With common sense keys only." "What do you mean by common sense keys?" "Why, the kind that could only be used to lock the blamed thing up."— Philadelphia Press. Ready to Meet It. The guest at the expensive hotel had been overcome by the heat and tlie sight of the bill combined and was lying on the marble floor of the office. "Stand back," exclaimed some onu, "and give him air!" "No!" gasped the guest, temporarily reviving. "Put it In the bill. I'm willing to pay for it!"— Chicago Trib une. An Unconscious Disciple, Trotter—"lt's a favorite amusement among tlie Eastern fakirs to twist themselves into some muscle-straining, nerve-racking, bone-cracking posture, and " Miss Rivalton—"lsn't it funny how those odd Oriental ideas find disciples here?" Trotter—"What do you mean?" Miss Rivalton—"Really, haven't you ever seen Maud Wnyuppe play golf?" —Harper's Bazar. ABOUT THE MOSQUITO. An Interesting Agricultural Deimr Invent Publication. The Department of Agriculture is about to issue a Bulletin prepared by Dr. L. 0. Howard, United States en tomologist, on the mosquito of the United States. It discusses the struc ture and biology and indicates the dif ference in all stages of existence be tween the kinds of mosquitoes which transmit malaria and those which do not, and also discusses the subjoci of remedies. The bulletin says that since the open ing up of the gold ilelds in Alaska and the great influx of miners and traders, knowledge of the abundance and fer ocity of the Alaskan mosquitoes has become widespread, the Government surveying parties in starting for Alas ka for their summer's work, are in the habit of consulting the Depart ment for mosquito-bite remedies. Those who were in Alaska the preced ing year always state that they never experienced or even imagined anything in the mosquito line equal to those found in our northern territory. Mentioning the reputation of New Jersey in connection with mosquitoes, the bulletin says there is a constant carriage inland from the marshy coast of very many mosquitoes, the railway trains seeming to be the most important mode of conveyance. Many of the cars contain mosquitoes by the hundreds. In this way even moun tain resorts will get their 6tipply of lowland mosquitoes, and with the improvement of railway service, and tiie increase in the number of through cars, the danger is constantly increas ing. The source of supply to distant points where mosquitoes are ordinari ly rare, Is thus kept up. About 230 species of mosquitoes are known, of which only about thirty have been found in tin? United States. The report says that of the reme dies in use in houses, the burning of pyrethrum powder and the catching of mosquitoes ou the walls in kerosene cups are probably the best next to a thorough screening and mosquito bars about the bed. The remedies for bites mentioned are glycerine, a lump of indigo, and household ammonia. Artist's (.imitation*. One day a little girl was seated in a chair on the platform, and her class mates were given the order to sketch her as they saw her. The results varied. Some of the drawing looked like Human beings in a state of repose, others like wooden dolls. But one lit tle girl had drawn the chair and n tiny figure standing in front of It "Mary," said the discouraged teach er, "didn't I say, "Draw Amelia as you saw her?" * • ~* ■ •_ "Hell, is she standing in front of the chair?" "No'rn. She's sitting on it" "Then why didn't you draw her slt tingT Tears came Into the child's eyes. She was misunderstood. "But I hadn't got to it," she said. "I was just going to bend her down When you rang the bell."—Pearson's Weekly. Remarkable Newspaper Font. Many astonishing feats have been performed in races against time, hut probably never anything more wonder ful than that of producing a printed newspaper from trees, which were growing two hours and a half only before the papers were in the hand's of tiieir readers. Tliis feat was performed by a firm of paper pulp manufacturers at Eisen thal, in Austria. At 7.35 in the morn ing the three sturdy trees were cut down and carted to the paper mills. The bark was stripped from thexn, they were split and pulped, and sent to the deflrbrators, where tlicy were quickly converted Into paper pulp. At twenty- six minutes to ten the trees had been converted into sheets of pa per, which were quickly taken to the newspaper office, and at 10 o'clock thousands of copies were in circula tion. " Motlneer" In tlie \Vtt "Motorman Is n good enough title for the man behind the wheel on the cable cars here in New York," said a lawyer who had recently been called West ou business, "but in a Kansas town I saw a new form of the name which struck me as being the most pretentious and inapt way of saying a simple thing that I had ever en countered. 'Don't talk to the inoti neer,' was the sign to be found on all those cars, and the more I pon dered over the matter the more ridic ulous it seemed to manufacture such nn elaborate word, when a simple one that is very much better already ex ists. There is nothing in the com bination 'motineex'' that docs not ex ist in 'motorman.' But that word is too ordinary for the progressive and advancing West It requires some thing uncommon -like 'motlneer.'"— New York Sun. Stoop With Artificial Teeth. A New South Wales correspondent says that a pastoralist of Unr.greaves, near Mudgee, has tried dentistry for sheep with great success. He had a valuable American ram, which found great difficulty in masticating its food owing to the loss of teeth. Artificial teeth were Inserted, and the animal lias since vigorously attacked its fod der. This is believed to lie the first experiment of the kind iu the colony.— Liverpool Journal of Commerce. Enamelled Cant Iron. Very ornamental cast iron flower bo-xes for windows und table use are shown of English design. Many of these are tastefully finished in porce lain enamel, resembling somewhat regular china, thus forming very orig inal and pretty boxes for the purpose. _ HOUSEHOLD Linen Crumb Clothe. Ail old-fashioned custom of our grandmothers, who had carpets that were of sufficient value to make It worth the while of ambitious descend ants to connive for the possession of these same strips of velvet, is being revived. 1 refer to the restoration of the linen crumb cloth. Our grand mothers used crumb cloths over their enrpets to preserve them for future gen eratlons, but we of the wholesome hy gienic age place them on the polished floors without rugs or carpets of any (tesdrliitlon beneath them. The marked favor with which they have been re ceived has furnished the spur that urged the designers on to their best efforts. Consequently the cloths are to be fonnd in every conceivable pat tern and coloring. Some of the most beautlftil are in delicate shades of green and yellow, with conventional and floral designs. How In Cook Prune.. In cooking prunes the sweetness of the fruit itself Is brought out by long, slow cooking, so that no sugar Is nec essary. Clean the prunes by washing thoroughly through two or three wa ters. letting them stnud for n few mo ments in tepid water, then rubbing gently between the hands to he sure that every particle of dust and grit Is removed. Tut in a Jar In the oven or in a kettle on the stove, allowing three pints of water to each pint of prunes. Cover closely and let them simmer for several hours. When done the prunes will bo tender and the juice thick. Many persons who can not oat fruit cooked with sugar can eat them in tills way. A slice of lemon added before the prunes are quite cooked is thought by many to be an Improvement. Boston Brown Urenil. One cupful each of rye and corn meal, one cupful of graham flour,three quarters of a cupful of molasses, one teaspoonful and a half of soda, one teaspoonful of baking powder, one tea spoonful of salt, and one pint of sour milk. Mix and sift together the meal, flour, salt, molasses, and when it be gins to foam stir into the dry mixture. Add quickly the sour milk, heat for a moment, turn into a thoroughly grcdsed mold nnd steniu for from three and a half to four hours, according to the shape of tjjc" mpld. - •.. N Scalloped Chicken or Turkey. To scallop cold roast chicken or tur key, butter a baking dish' or ramekin. Sprinkle it plentifully with brea<J crumbs, nnd put In alternate layers of shredded meat and stufliug, moistening ehcb layer with gravy. If no stuffing and gravy are left use crumbs and white sauce instead. Cover with but tered crumbs nnd hake until brown. Cold boiled rice may be used with the chicken or turkey instead of the bread crumbs. White sauce should be served with it. Proper YVny to Cook Corn. The proper way in which to cook corn Is to put It on the fire iu cold, salted water in which it must he al lowed to remain only from four to sit minutes after it has reached the boil ing point. If very young nnd fresh, four minutes is the extreme limit. The outside husks and slllcs should be re moved, but the inside husks must re main about the ears until tbey are ready for serving when a linen doilv can ho substituted. fh'OVSEHoLD ? |^S^^= HiMTspFj Salt dissolved in alcohol will take out grease spots. Clean paint smoked by kerosene lamps with kerosene and rub it off with a fresh cloth. A teaspoonful of heated camphor Is said to be a curative application for ti sty on the eyelid. Keep coffee by Itself, as Its odor af fects other articles. Keep tea in a closed chest or canister. The juiee of half a lemon In a glass of water, without sugar, will frequent ly cure a sick headache. Peach leaves pounded to a pulp and applied to a bruise or wound from a rusty nail, or a simple cut, will give immediate relief. In sweeping carpets use wet news papers wrung nearly dry and torn in pieces. The paper collects the dust and does not soil the carpet. When laid away for any length of time, linen should be washed, thor oughly dried without bluing, and laid in loose folds without much weight on it Bread crumbs for covering the top of scalloped and other baked dishes should be buttered evculy before they are spread, not put on plain, with hits of butter scattered over. When the water shows signs that warrant suspicion as to its purity, a few drops of lemon juice added to the glass before drinking lessens the threatened danger from disease germs. An exceedingly good salad dressing may be made by substituting two spoonfuls of perfectly sound sweet cream for the oil. The cream must be of the richest quality, known as double cream, and quite fresh. It should be used iu the same way as oil. The best scouring material for steel knives can be found in half a new potato and a little fine wood ashes. The potato Is also much easier to use with bath brick than thejiit of rag which the ordinary maid-of-all-work la apt to employ for this purpose. THE PASSING OF THE BOERS. Mournful Ending of a Brave People That Struggle Hard for Existence. For more than 60 years the existence of the Boers has been the epic of con tinuous and immense adventure, in which nothing has been so amazing as the last struggle and the final defeat. There is no such example of a hard and stubborn people, dimly led by des tiny, in their flight from civilization, to revolve in a circle which brought them back at last face to face with the most overwhelming environment of all the ideas and forces of civilization, in the shape of the British empire. When the Dutch farmers resolved up on their exodus from Cape Colony and plunged with their long teams of lum bering oxen and creaking wagons into the wilderness of the north, wandering over veldt and mountain, through bush and river, seeking from decade to decade for some further home and abiding rest from their pilgrimage, and fighting their steady path as a handful against hordes through a thousand miles of savage con tinent, the Boers commenced a story of heroism not to be equaled out of Exo dus. It will never be adequately de scribed, if not by the pen of some sec ond De Quincey in pages of such su preme eloquence and power as those which immortalized the flight of the Tartars. The very names of the Trans j vaal towns record the travail of sorrow and death in which they were founded —"Weenen," the place of weeping; "Rustenburg," the place of rest; "Ly denburg," the place of sufTering.—Lon don Telegraph. OPPORTUNITIES IN SAMOA. Uncle Sam's Possession In the Group Par ticularly Rich in Resourcos. Somewhere in that mysterious part of the South Pacific ocean, where one day merges into another to keep chronomet ers straight and to keep mankind from trouble in 'marking the flight of years, lie the Samoan islands, three in num ber, of which the smallest, Tutuilla. is the property of the United States. The recent division of the islands, which are connected with the United States and with Australia and New Zealand by reg ular mail steamers, has assured their future. Tutuilla, which is as large as the State of Rhode Island, contains many acres of the richest soil, and would make a fruitful dwelling place for 100,- 000 ambitious men. It could be con verted into vast plantations of coffee, vanilla, tobacco, cocoanuts and dozens of other native products, while a thriv ing town could be made to flourish be neath the flower-clad trees on the beach. Apia, in Samoa, is one of the most) prosperous towns in the south seas, and • its future is assured. It was in the hills j north of this place that Robert Louis | Stevenson, after roaming the earth for j a paradise, found one. It was there he died.—Success. Great Britain Taxes Brains. Few people have any idea what a j flourishing institution is that miracle of j dinginess—the British patent office—j and what a valuable source of revenue ! it constitutes to the government. Con-1 ducted with the strictest regard to econ- j omy, with almost a total neglect of ev-; ery consideration other than that asso- \ ciated with the collection of fees, it fur nishes a royal profit of £ 100.000 yearly, extracted from its mostly impecunious clientele (the natural element of the in-, ventor is adversity), or at the rate as nearly as possible of 100 per cent, on its turnover. —London Express. The Best Prescription for Chills nnd Fever Is a bottlo of OROVK'S TARTRI.KSS CHILL TONIC. It is simply iron ami quinine In a tasteless form. No cure—no pay. Price 50c. The first member of the royal family to ride a cycle was the Duchess of Al- : How Are Your Bowels? ,cr J =r About the first thing the Then, "Let's see your tongue." Because bad tongue and bad f ßowels go together. Regulate In \MVL W< B°wels, clean up the tongue. I a " this is the way W *° ec P anc ® ' well. J You can't keep the bowels ' Bealthy and regular with purges iWk or Bird-shot pills. They move jlMllW Y ou awful gripes, then ™ ■ you're worse than ever. Now what you want is Cascarets. Go and get them today-Cascarets-in mcta! box with the long-tailed "C" on the lid-cost 10c. Be sure you get the genuinel Cascarets are never sold in bulk. '■•• Take one I Eat it like candy, and it will work gently-while you sleep. It cures, that means it strengthens the muscular walls of the bowels, gives them new life. Then they act regularly and naturally. That's what you want. It's"guaranteed to be found in ' rerj'r' Tr.b!*Ms Cn'enrrts ore never 6old In bulk, but enly and always In th? light blue metal box with the long-tailed " C." Lcck |> f'i r UT j\ 25c.DRUGGISTS / \ -S [P [P [P ™" ul l J e ,h ° To any needy mortal, suffering from bowel troubles and too poor to buy CASCARETS, wc will send a box free, i.® ® , Address Sterling Remedy Co.. Chicago or New York, mentioning advertisement and naoer. 410 I vl v tn bulk. Cinders from the forest fires on Cape Cod were carried by the wind as far as Boston, a distance of almost 50 miles, falling in the streets and the waters of the harbor in considerable showers. PUTNAM FADELESS DYES do not 9pot.streak Or give your goods an unevenly dyed ap pearance. Sold by all druggists. Only one pensioner who served in the war of 1812 is left. His name is Hiram Cronk. He is too years old, and lives in Oneida county, New York. About 2,000 widows of 1812 are left in the rolls. To Cum A Col 4 In One Day.i Take LAXATIVE BKOMO QUININE TABLETS. All druggists refund the money If it falls to cure. B. W. GHOVB'S signature 1B on each box. iioc. Meat has been preserved in a frozen state for 30 years, and found perfectly eatable at the end of that time. The stomach has to work hard, grinding the food we crowd Into It. Make Its work easy by chewing Beeman's Pepsin Gum. Professional matchmakers are invari ably employed to arrange marriages in China. I do not believe Plso's Oure for Consumption j bus au equal for coughs and colds.—JOHN F. DOVER, Trinity Springs, Ind., Feb. 15, 1900. It is a noteworthy fact that in the State of Utah there is not one Irish Mormon. Carter's luk la (ho *" best ink that can bo made. It costs yon no mora than poor Btutf not lit to write with. Dublin are £17,000 better in six months with electricity in place of horses. Mrs.Wlnslow's Soothing Pvmp for children teething, softens the gums. reduces inflammo tion. allays pain, cures wind c01ic.250 a bottle. Seven out of eight loaves of bread i eaten in London are made of foreign | wheat. How's Tills 1 Wo offer One Hundred Dollars Reward for | any case of Catarrh that cannot bo cured by 1 Hall's Catarrh Cure. F. J. CIIENEY & Co., Toledo, O. | We, the undersigned, have known F. .1. Che ney for the last 15 yours, and believe him per- ' fcctlv honorable in all business transactions and financially able to carry out any obliga tion made by their firm. WEST & TRUAX, Wholesale Druggists, Toledo. Ohio. WALDINO, KINNAN & MARVIN, Wholesale Druggists, Toledo, Ohio. Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally, act ing directly upon the blood and mucous sur faces of the system. Testimonials sent free. Price, 75c. per bottle. Sold by all Druggists. 1 Hall's Family Pills are the best. The nlace of honor at a Chinese ban quet is at the host's left hand. A Very Bad Combine .s that of A Very Bad Sprain and A Very Black Bruise It often happens, but Just us often St, Jacobs Oil mikes a clean, sure, prompt cure of both. Show us a fault in our busi ness and we stop it at once, no matter how profitable. We j don't believe a fault can ever be really profitable. They said our Ague Cure was too bitter and powerful for ! the weak digestion of malarial illness. We have corrected the fault. It's cost us thousands of dol lars to do it, but we have cor rected it.' And there is no better medi cine under the sun for every form of malaria than this new Malaria and Ague Cure. J. C. AYER COMPANY, I Practical Chemists, Lowell, Mass. ! Ayer'B Sarsaparilla | Ayer's Hair Vigor Ayer's Pills Aycr's Cherry Pectoral j Ayer's Ague Cure | Ayer's Comatone The' ro:. 1 n'orth of our 83.00 and SUS.fiO I • . S.j • hoe* compared wi'h otln'rmHkewlsSl.OO [" / sf* o) So IDS.OO. We nr.- the I/ y ft)] I largest makers *nd rt-tailcra f.- ;rf®C: fj o£ men's 9 l.uOnnd I3.AU shoes f in the world. We make end \ J I sell more f.'1.00 and 9 manufacturers in the U. tt. -fJsJSMLV Oir Jltub!l.hed Iv'-V* ' iu 17. -m It--: fWcsaKsrs'Wv'VVliy do TOP pay $4 to „A • \°A $5 for shoes when you Tfc TRIAL vA eanbuyW.L.Douglas R Vitu. shoes for $3 and THF. UEASOV moro W. L. Douglas $3 nnd St.W) shoos arc sold than any other make is JUKY AUK TIIJB IIKST FOR MEN. THF Made ot the bent imported nnd THF j American leathern. The work- 1 __ manship in unexcelled. The style RCQT ta equal to 94 nnd 9'. shoes of DCCT ULCI other makes. Tlu v fit like cue- Ut-OI torn made shoes. They will out fhO rn wear two pairs of other mnkes at (£Q fin u) J.oU the nsuie rrtees, that bare no re|>- vJ)O,UU utation. You csn safely rceoin ni in r* them to Tour friends j tlu-y ni mr SHfIF.I n- -•" ISHOE. Your desler should keep them j we give one dealer exclusive sule in each town. Take no atibatltute! Insist on having w. 1,. Douglas shoes with nnme and price stamped on bottom. If your dealer will not get them for you, send direct to factory, enclosing price nnd 25c. extra for earring*. Htato kind of leather, sire, and width, plain or cap to*. Our shoes will reach you anywhere. Catalogue /-Vre. W. L. DOUGLAS SHOE r A, Brockton, Mass. [SJJ ES ESjgSl STOPPED FREE E-1 pi .Bv CfcrmanentljCtjr.dby 1 W DR. KLINE'S GREAT I M W NERVE RESTORES fl No t'iu after first Say ■ asa. "ji °Tli 11° POTTuii'FR eI:"" 1 lo Pit paiiCDU who pay exprcssage onlv on delivery. rou. />is<rd-r. Kpllei"*, Bpaims.' St. vitu. Daoeo, Jebllltr, Exhaustion. I>Bl. It. 11. II LINK. Ld. 031 Arch Street. Philadelohia. Founded tut.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers