OUR BUDGET OF HUMOR,
LAUGHTER-PROVOKING STORIES FO3
LOVERS OF FUN.
The Sumo Old Story Trio Tody of tli
Ifoiue-Unrealised—Force of
Knowledge v*. Wisdom—An Easy Quo
—III* Position, Etc., Etc.
There was arming fellow named Flynn,
Who bet on the races to wynn;
He placed all his cash
On the very first dash,
And to get back to town be walked run.
—New York World. „
Tlie Lady of the House.
Mrs. Proper Caper—"Jnmes, I ad
vertised for a lady's companion."
James—'"Vis, mum. Tho cook wants
a "helper, you know."—Judge.
Unrealized.
"There was a time when T fhrroglrt
he showed traces of genius."
"Yes; but he's jumped over fbe
traces."—Philadelphia Record.
Force of Hubltw
"Give np the keys of tho cltyf de
manded the chief of the allies.
"You got cheekee?" asked the cor
poral of the guard at Pekln.—'Phila
delphia North American.
Knowledge vs. \yiedom.
"What's the difference between
knowledge and wisdom ?"
"Well, it takes knowledge to bnlld
nn automobile, but it takes wisdom
to run it"—Chicago Record.
An Easy One.
Mr. Aekitt—"How is it that no mat
ter how small a chunk of Ice I get
it always weighs thirty pounds?"
Icema—"That's as low as the scales
go, m' friend."—Baltimore American.
Hl* Position.
Mrs. Hoon—"Mrs. Bnbbleby can talk
entertainingly in three different lan
guages."
Mf. Hoon—"Yes; and I have noticed
that her husband lias to keep still
in one."—Judge.
For Distant Friend*.
"JVell, that caps the climax.'*
"What's that'/"
"Cook says those folks In that little
house on the corner came over while
we wore gone and had their photo
graphs taken sitting on our veranda."
—lndianapolis Journal.
Full ot Water.
"How do you feel now?" asked his
rescuers.
"Like a Jersey trust," gasped tho
balf-drOwned nun, faintly.
Then they rolled him on the barrel
some tnore, for they, too, wero finan
ciers.—Carper's Bogar.
Crushed.
Office Day—"Here's your poems, sir;
de editor says dey are not half bad,
and he's sorry.—-" v" w
Poet—''Ah! Indeed. .
Office.Boy—"Yes, sir. Sorry dat ho
read 'em, and he says dey are all bad.
Good day, sir,"—Philadelphia In
quirer. —J"*,."-" ■ .
m 1— .
He Folt It Keenly*
Elderly Spinster (horrified)—"Ltttle
boy, aren't you ashamed to go in bath
ing in such a public plaoe with such
a bathing suit as that on?"
Small Boy—"Yes'm: but me mother
makes me wear it I'll take it off,
though, if you'll promise to say noth
ing to her about it."—Leslie's .Week
ly.
Its Chief Clinnn.
Nodd—"This modern American life
Is all wrong. Tpo much hijrry. I have
Just taken a quiet retired nook In the
country, where a man can have abso
lute rest."
Todd—"llow far away?"
Nodd—"That's tho beauty of the
place. Only forty minutes from my
office."
I.ltorry XlrrgutJoii.
"Your latest novel seems very ary,'
said the reader of the publishing
house to tlie young but rising authos.
"I was pretty sure you would say
that," rejoined tho author. "Conse
quently if you will count them yon
will find tho heroine weeps tears on
just 253 pages of my story."—Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
Willing to Learn.
Ethel—"Mamma, don't yon think
women should know how to cook, so
that they may be able to look aftfer
their husbands' digestion when they
marry?"
Mamma—"Certainly, dear."
Ethel—"Mayn't I go to tho kitchen,
then, and practice making butter
scotch ?"—Brooklyn Life.
Common Sense Piano Key*.
'l'd be willing," said the chronic dys
peptic, "to give my month's salary to
any man who would invent a plnuo
With common sense keys only."
"What do you mean by common
sense keys?"
"Why, the kind that could only be
used to lock the blamed thing up."—
Philadelphia Press.
Ready to Meet It.
The guest at the expensive hotel had
been overcome by the heat and tlie
sight of the bill combined and was
lying on the marble floor of the office.
"Stand back," exclaimed some onu,
"and give him air!"
"No!" gasped the guest, temporarily
reviving. "Put it In the bill. I'm
willing to pay for it!"— Chicago Trib
une.
An Unconscious Disciple,
Trotter—"lt's a favorite amusement
among tlie Eastern fakirs to twist
themselves into some muscle-straining,
nerve-racking, bone-cracking posture,
and "
Miss Rivalton—"lsn't it funny how
those odd Oriental ideas find disciples
here?"
Trotter—"What do you mean?"
Miss Rivalton—"Really, haven't you
ever seen Maud Wnyuppe play golf?"
—Harper's Bazar.
ABOUT THE MOSQUITO.
An Interesting Agricultural Deimr Invent
Publication.
The Department of Agriculture is
about to issue a Bulletin prepared by
Dr. L. 0. Howard, United States en
tomologist, on the mosquito of the
United States. It discusses the struc
ture and biology and indicates the dif
ference in all stages of existence be
tween the kinds of mosquitoes which
transmit malaria and those which do
not, and also discusses the subjoci
of remedies.
The bulletin says that since the open
ing up of the gold ilelds in Alaska and
the great influx of miners and traders,
knowledge of the abundance and fer
ocity of the Alaskan mosquitoes has
become widespread, the Government
surveying parties in starting for Alas
ka for their summer's work, are in
the habit of consulting the Depart
ment for mosquito-bite remedies.
Those who were in Alaska the preced
ing year always state that they never
experienced or even imagined anything
in the mosquito line equal to those
found in our northern territory.
Mentioning the reputation of New
Jersey in connection with mosquitoes,
the bulletin says there is a constant
carriage inland from the marshy
coast of very many mosquitoes, the
railway trains seeming to be the most
important mode of conveyance. Many
of the cars contain mosquitoes by the
hundreds. In this way even moun
tain resorts will get their 6tipply of
lowland mosquitoes, and with the
improvement of railway service, and
tiie increase in the number of through
cars, the danger is constantly increas
ing. The source of supply to distant
points where mosquitoes are ordinari
ly rare, Is thus kept up.
About 230 species of mosquitoes are
known, of which only about thirty
have been found in tin? United States.
The report says that of the reme
dies in use in houses, the burning of
pyrethrum powder and the catching of
mosquitoes ou the walls in kerosene
cups are probably the best next to a
thorough screening and mosquito bars
about the bed. The remedies for
bites mentioned are glycerine, a lump
of indigo, and household ammonia.
Artist's (.imitation*.
One day a little girl was seated in
a chair on the platform, and her class
mates were given the order to sketch
her as they saw her.
The results varied.
Some of the drawing looked like
Human beings in a state of repose,
others like wooden dolls. But one lit
tle girl had drawn the chair and n tiny
figure standing in front of It
"Mary," said the discouraged teach
er, "didn't I say, "Draw Amelia as
you saw her?" * • ~*
■ •_
"Hell, is she standing in front of
the chair?"
"No'rn. She's sitting on it"
"Then why didn't you draw her slt
tingT
Tears came Into the child's eyes.
She was misunderstood.
"But I hadn't got to it," she said.
"I was just going to bend her down
When you rang the bell."—Pearson's
Weekly.
Remarkable Newspaper Font.
Many astonishing feats have been
performed in races against time, hut
probably never anything more wonder
ful than that of producing a printed
newspaper from trees, which were
growing two hours and a half only
before the papers were in the hand's
of tiieir readers.
Tliis feat was performed by a firm
of paper pulp manufacturers at Eisen
thal, in Austria. At 7.35 in the morn
ing the three sturdy trees were cut
down and carted to the paper mills.
The bark was stripped from thexn,
they were split and pulped, and sent
to the deflrbrators, where tlicy were
quickly converted Into paper pulp. At
twenty- six minutes to ten the trees
had been converted into sheets of pa
per, which were quickly taken to the
newspaper office, and at 10 o'clock
thousands of copies were in circula
tion.
" Motlneer" In tlie \Vtt
"Motorman Is n good enough title
for the man behind the wheel on the
cable cars here in New York," said
a lawyer who had recently been called
West ou business, "but in a Kansas
town I saw a new form of the name
which struck me as being the most
pretentious and inapt way of saying
a simple thing that I had ever en
countered. 'Don't talk to the inoti
neer,' was the sign to be found on
all those cars, and the more I pon
dered over the matter the more ridic
ulous it seemed to manufacture such
nn elaborate word, when a simple one
that is very much better already ex
ists. There is nothing in the com
bination 'motineex'' that docs not ex
ist in 'motorman.' But that word is
too ordinary for the progressive and
advancing West It requires some
thing uncommon -like 'motlneer.'"—
New York Sun.
Stoop With Artificial Teeth.
A New South Wales correspondent
says that a pastoralist of Unr.greaves,
near Mudgee, has tried dentistry for
sheep with great success. He had a
valuable American ram, which found
great difficulty in masticating its food
owing to the loss of teeth. Artificial
teeth were Inserted, and the animal
lias since vigorously attacked its fod
der. This is believed to lie the first
experiment of the kind iu the colony.—
Liverpool Journal of Commerce.
Enamelled Cant Iron.
Very ornamental cast iron flower
bo-xes for windows und table use are
shown of English design. Many of
these are tastefully finished in porce
lain enamel, resembling somewhat
regular china, thus forming very orig
inal and pretty boxes for the purpose.
_ HOUSEHOLD
Linen Crumb Clothe.
Ail old-fashioned custom of our
grandmothers, who had carpets that
were of sufficient value to make It
worth the while of ambitious descend
ants to connive for the possession of
these same strips of velvet, is being
revived. 1 refer to the restoration of
the linen crumb cloth. Our grand
mothers used crumb cloths over their
enrpets to preserve them for future gen
eratlons, but we of the wholesome hy
gienic age place them on the polished
floors without rugs or carpets of any
(tesdrliitlon beneath them. The marked
favor with which they have been re
ceived has furnished the spur that
urged the designers on to their best
efforts. Consequently the cloths are
to be fonnd in every conceivable pat
tern and coloring. Some of the most
beautlftil are in delicate shades of
green and yellow, with conventional
and floral designs.
How In Cook Prune..
In cooking prunes the sweetness of
the fruit itself Is brought out by long,
slow cooking, so that no sugar Is nec
essary. Clean the prunes by washing
thoroughly through two or three wa
ters. letting them stnud for n few mo
ments in tepid water, then rubbing
gently between the hands to he sure
that every particle of dust and grit
Is removed. Tut in a Jar In the oven
or in a kettle on the stove, allowing
three pints of water to each pint of
prunes. Cover closely and let them
simmer for several hours. When done
the prunes will bo tender and the
juice thick. Many persons who can
not oat fruit cooked with sugar can
eat them in tills way. A slice of lemon
added before the prunes are quite
cooked is thought by many to be an
Improvement.
Boston Brown Urenil.
One cupful each of rye and corn
meal, one cupful of graham flour,three
quarters of a cupful of molasses, one
teaspoonful and a half of soda, one
teaspoonful of baking powder, one tea
spoonful of salt, and one pint of sour
milk. Mix and sift together the meal,
flour, salt, molasses, and when it be
gins to foam stir into the dry mixture.
Add quickly the sour milk, heat for
a moment, turn into a thoroughly
grcdsed mold nnd steniu for from three
and a half to four hours, according
to the shape of tjjc" mpld. - •.. N
Scalloped Chicken or Turkey.
To scallop cold roast chicken or tur
key, butter a baking dish' or ramekin.
Sprinkle it plentifully with brea<J
crumbs, nnd put In alternate layers of
shredded meat and stufliug, moistening
ehcb layer with gravy. If no stuffing
and gravy are left use crumbs and
white sauce instead. Cover with but
tered crumbs nnd hake until brown.
Cold boiled rice may be used with the
chicken or turkey instead of the bread
crumbs. White sauce should be served
with it.
Proper YVny to Cook Corn.
The proper way in which to cook
corn Is to put It on the fire iu cold,
salted water in which it must he al
lowed to remain only from four to sit
minutes after it has reached the boil
ing point. If very young nnd fresh,
four minutes is the extreme limit. The
outside husks and slllcs should be re
moved, but the inside husks must re
main about the ears until tbey are
ready for serving when a linen doilv
can ho substituted.
fh'OVSEHoLD ? |^S^^=
HiMTspFj
Salt dissolved in alcohol will take
out grease spots.
Clean paint smoked by kerosene
lamps with kerosene and rub it off
with a fresh cloth.
A teaspoonful of heated camphor
Is said to be a curative application
for ti sty on the eyelid.
Keep coffee by Itself, as Its odor af
fects other articles. Keep tea in a
closed chest or canister.
The juiee of half a lemon In a glass
of water, without sugar, will frequent
ly cure a sick headache.
Peach leaves pounded to a pulp and
applied to a bruise or wound from a
rusty nail, or a simple cut, will give
immediate relief.
In sweeping carpets use wet news
papers wrung nearly dry and torn
in pieces. The paper collects the dust
and does not soil the carpet.
When laid away for any length of
time, linen should be washed, thor
oughly dried without bluing, and laid
in loose folds without much weight on
it
Bread crumbs for covering the top
of scalloped and other baked dishes
should be buttered evculy before they
are spread, not put on plain, with hits
of butter scattered over.
When the water shows signs that
warrant suspicion as to its purity, a
few drops of lemon juice added to the
glass before drinking lessens the
threatened danger from disease germs.
An exceedingly good salad dressing
may be made by substituting two
spoonfuls of perfectly sound sweet
cream for the oil. The cream must
be of the richest quality, known as
double cream, and quite fresh. It
should be used iu the same way as oil.
The best scouring material for steel
knives can be found in half a new
potato and a little fine wood ashes.
The potato Is also much easier to use
with bath brick than thejiit of rag
which the ordinary maid-of-all-work
la apt to employ for this purpose.
THE PASSING OF THE BOERS.
Mournful Ending of a Brave People That
Struggle Hard for Existence.
For more than 60 years the existence
of the Boers has been the epic of con
tinuous and immense adventure, in
which nothing has been so amazing as
the last struggle and the final defeat.
There is no such example of a hard
and stubborn people, dimly led by des
tiny, in their flight from civilization, to
revolve in a circle which brought them
back at last face to face with the most
overwhelming environment of all the
ideas and forces of civilization, in the
shape of the British empire.
When the Dutch farmers resolved up
on their exodus from Cape Colony and
plunged with their long teams of lum
bering oxen and creaking wagons into
the wilderness of the north, wandering
over veldt and mountain, through bush
and river, seeking from decade to decade
for some further home and abiding rest
from their pilgrimage, and fighting their
steady path as a handful against hordes
through a thousand miles of savage con
tinent, the Boers commenced a story of
heroism not to be equaled out of Exo
dus. It will never be adequately de
scribed, if not by the pen of some sec
ond De Quincey in pages of such su
preme eloquence and power as those
which immortalized the flight of the
Tartars. The very names of the Trans
j vaal towns record the travail of sorrow
and death in which they were founded
—"Weenen," the place of weeping;
"Rustenburg," the place of rest; "Ly
denburg," the place of sufTering.—Lon
don Telegraph.
OPPORTUNITIES IN SAMOA.
Uncle Sam's Possession In the Group Par
ticularly Rich in Resourcos.
Somewhere in that mysterious part of
the South Pacific ocean, where one day
merges into another to keep chronomet
ers straight and to keep mankind from
trouble in 'marking the flight of years,
lie the Samoan islands, three in num
ber, of which the smallest, Tutuilla. is
the property of the United States. The
recent division of the islands, which are
connected with the United States and
with Australia and New Zealand by reg
ular mail steamers, has assured their
future. Tutuilla, which is as large as
the State of Rhode Island, contains
many acres of the richest soil, and would
make a fruitful dwelling place for 100,-
000 ambitious men. It could be con
verted into vast plantations of coffee,
vanilla, tobacco, cocoanuts and dozens
of other native products, while a thriv
ing town could be made to flourish be
neath the flower-clad trees on the beach.
Apia, in Samoa, is one of the most)
prosperous towns in the south seas, and •
its future is assured. It was in the hills j
north of this place that Robert Louis |
Stevenson, after roaming the earth for j
a paradise, found one. It was there he
died.—Success.
Great Britain Taxes Brains.
Few people have any idea what a j
flourishing institution is that miracle of j
dinginess—the British patent office—j
and what a valuable source of revenue !
it constitutes to the government. Con-1
ducted with the strictest regard to econ- j
omy, with almost a total neglect of ev-;
ery consideration other than that asso- \
ciated with the collection of fees, it fur
nishes a royal profit of £ 100.000 yearly,
extracted from its mostly impecunious
clientele (the natural element of the in-,
ventor is adversity), or at the rate as
nearly as possible of 100 per cent, on its
turnover. —London Express.
The Best Prescription for Chills
nnd Fever Is a bottlo of OROVK'S TARTRI.KSS
CHILL TONIC. It is simply iron ami quinine In
a tasteless form. No cure—no pay. Price 50c.
The first member of the royal family
to ride a cycle was the Duchess of Al-
: How Are Your Bowels?
,cr J =r About the first thing the
Then, "Let's see your tongue."
Because bad tongue and bad
f ßowels go together. Regulate
In \MVL W< B°wels, clean up the tongue.
I a " this is the way
W *° ec P anc ® ' well.
J You can't keep the bowels
' Bealthy and regular with purges
iWk or Bird-shot pills. They move
jlMllW Y ou awful gripes, then
™ ■ you're worse than ever.
Now what you want is Cascarets. Go and get them today-Cascarets-in mcta! box
with the long-tailed "C" on the lid-cost 10c. Be sure you get the genuinel Cascarets are
never sold in bulk. '■•• Take one I Eat it like candy, and it will work gently-while you
sleep. It cures, that means it strengthens the muscular walls of the bowels, gives them new
life. Then they act regularly and naturally. That's what you want. It's"guaranteed to
be found in
' rerj'r' Tr.b!*Ms Cn'enrrts ore never
6old In bulk, but enly and always In th? light blue metal box with the long-tailed " C." Lcck |> f'i r UT j\
25c.DRUGGISTS
/ \ -S
[P [P [P ™" ul l J e ,h ° To any needy mortal, suffering from bowel troubles and too poor to buy CASCARETS, wc will send a box free,
i.® ® , Address Sterling Remedy Co.. Chicago or New York, mentioning advertisement and naoer. 410 I
vl v tn bulk.
Cinders from the forest fires on Cape
Cod were carried by the wind as far as
Boston, a distance of almost 50 miles,
falling in the streets and the waters of
the harbor in considerable showers.
PUTNAM FADELESS DYES do not 9pot.streak
Or give your goods an unevenly dyed ap
pearance. Sold by all druggists.
Only one pensioner who served in the
war of 1812 is left. His name is Hiram
Cronk. He is too years old, and lives
in Oneida county, New York. About
2,000 widows of 1812 are left in the rolls.
To Cum A Col 4 In One Day.i
Take LAXATIVE BKOMO QUININE TABLETS. All
druggists refund the money If it falls to cure.
B. W. GHOVB'S signature 1B on each box. iioc.
Meat has been preserved in a frozen
state for 30 years, and found perfectly
eatable at the end of that time.
The stomach has to work hard, grinding
the food we crowd Into It. Make Its work
easy by chewing Beeman's Pepsin Gum.
Professional matchmakers are invari
ably employed to arrange marriages in
China.
I do not believe Plso's Oure for Consumption j
bus au equal for coughs and colds.—JOHN F.
DOVER, Trinity Springs, Ind., Feb. 15, 1900.
It is a noteworthy fact that in the
State of Utah there is not one Irish
Mormon.
Carter's luk la (ho *"
best ink that can bo made. It costs yon no
mora than poor Btutf not lit to write with.
Dublin are £17,000 better
in six months with electricity in place
of horses.
Mrs.Wlnslow's Soothing Pvmp for children
teething, softens the gums. reduces inflammo
tion. allays pain, cures wind c01ic.250 a bottle.
Seven out of eight loaves of bread i
eaten in London are made of foreign |
wheat.
How's Tills 1
Wo offer One Hundred Dollars Reward for |
any case of Catarrh that cannot bo cured by 1
Hall's Catarrh Cure.
F. J. CIIENEY & Co., Toledo, O. |
We, the undersigned, have known F. .1. Che
ney for the last 15 yours, and believe him per- '
fcctlv honorable in all business transactions
and financially able to carry out any obliga
tion made by their firm.
WEST & TRUAX, Wholesale Druggists, Toledo.
Ohio.
WALDINO, KINNAN & MARVIN, Wholesale
Druggists, Toledo, Ohio.
Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally, act
ing directly upon the blood and mucous sur
faces of the system. Testimonials sent free.
Price, 75c. per bottle. Sold by all Druggists. 1
Hall's Family Pills are the best.
The nlace of honor at a Chinese ban
quet is at the host's left hand.
A Very Bad Combine
.s that of
A Very Bad Sprain
and
A Very Black Bruise
It often happens,
but Just us often
St, Jacobs Oil
mikes a clean, sure,
prompt cure of both.
Show us a fault in our busi
ness and we stop it at once, no
matter how profitable. We
j don't believe a fault can ever
be really profitable.
They said our Ague Cure
was too bitter and powerful for
! the weak digestion of malarial
illness.
We have corrected the fault.
It's cost us thousands of dol
lars to do it, but we have cor
rected it.'
And there is no better medi
cine under the sun for every
form of malaria than this new
Malaria and Ague Cure.
J. C. AYER COMPANY,
I Practical Chemists, Lowell, Mass.
! Ayer'B Sarsaparilla | Ayer's Hair Vigor
Ayer's Pills Aycr's Cherry Pectoral
j Ayer's Ague Cure | Ayer's Comatone
The' ro:. 1 n'orth of
our 83.00 and SUS.fiO I • . S.j
• hoe* compared wi'h
otln'rmHkewlsSl.OO [" / sf* o)
So IDS.OO. We nr.- the I/ y ft)]
I largest makers *nd rt-tailcra f.- ;rf®C: fj
o£ men's 9 l.uOnnd I3.AU shoes f
in the world. We make end \ J
I sell more f.'1.00 and 9
manufacturers in the U. tt. -fJsJSMLV
Oir Jltub!l.hed Iv'-V* '
iu 17. -m It--:
fWcsaKsrs'Wv'VVliy do TOP pay $4 to
„A • \°A $5 for shoes when you
Tfc TRIAL vA eanbuyW.L.Douglas
R Vitu. shoes for $3 and
THF. UEASOV moro W. L. Douglas $3 nnd
St.W) shoos arc sold than any other make is
JUKY AUK TIIJB IIKST FOR MEN.
THF Made ot the bent imported nnd THF j
American leathern. The work- 1
__ manship in unexcelled. The style
RCQT ta equal to 94 nnd 9'. shoes of DCCT
ULCI other makes. Tlu v fit like cue- Ut-OI
torn made shoes. They will out
fhO rn wear two pairs of other mnkes at (£Q fin
u) J.oU the nsuie rrtees, that bare no re|>- vJ)O,UU
utation. You csn safely rceoin
ni in r* them to Tour friends j tlu-y ni mr
SHfIF.I n- -•" ISHOE.
Your desler should keep them j we give one dealer
exclusive sule in each town.
Take no atibatltute! Insist on having w. 1,.
Douglas shoes with nnme and price stamped on bottom.
If your dealer will not get them for you, send direct to
factory, enclosing price nnd 25c. extra for earring*.
Htato kind of leather, sire, and width, plain or cap to*.
Our shoes will reach you anywhere. Catalogue /-Vre.
W. L. DOUGLAS SHOE r A, Brockton, Mass.
[SJJ ES ESjgSl STOPPED FREE
E-1 pi .Bv CfcrmanentljCtjr.dby
1 W DR. KLINE'S GREAT
I M W NERVE RESTORES
fl No t'iu after first Say ■ asa.
"ji °Tli 11° POTTuii'FR eI:"" 1
lo Pit paiiCDU who pay exprcssage onlv on delivery.
rou. />is<rd-r. Kpllei"*, Bpaims.' St. vitu. Daoeo,
Jebllltr, Exhaustion. I>Bl. It. 11. II LINK. Ld.
031 Arch Street. Philadelohia. Founded tut.