Freeland Tribune Established 1888. • PUBLISHED EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY. BY THE TRIBUNE PRINTING COMPANY, Limited Ofriv-E: MAIS Street Above Centre. FREELAND, PA. SUBSCRIPTION RATES: One Year $1.50 Blx Mouths 75 four Months 50 Two Months 23 The date which the subscription is paid to Is on tne address label of each pßper, the change of which to a subsequent date be comes a receipt for remittance. K?ep tin flgures In advance of the present date. Re port promptly to this office whenever pape/ Is not received. Arrearages must be puH When subscription Is discontinued. Make all inomy orders, checks, etc,,payable to the Tribune print inj Company, Limited The Ohio legislature has actually passed a law to protect skuuks, as if the little animals were powerless to protect themselves. The Victoria Cross, the possession of which every British soldier covets, is said to be the oulv reward of merit which British law forbids the owuar from pawning. Evidently there is a mistake in the popular civic soubriquet of Philadel phia. The census just concluded shows that out of 283,871 families questioned ouly 1925 claimed to bo Quakers. The Samoaus are rapidly becomiug up to date. A dispatch states that iu a recent cricket match at Savaii the competing teuins aud their respective admirers took offence at a decision of oue of the umpires and indulged in a free for all light, which resulted iu teu men being killed and the field being covered with wounded. Just how the umpire fared the dispatch does uot state, but had the incident occurred ou a ball field here his uaino would undoubtedly heal the list of casualties. At an English police court recently Captain Herve H. A. Errington Josse of Normau Villa, Burgate, Grimsby, was summoned by the iulaud revenue for keeping a carriage without a li cense. The question raised was whether a vehicle consisting of a car attached to a motor cycle was one carriage or two. If it was considered as oue, the maximum traveling speed allowed would be twelve miles, a id if as two, six miles per hour. The magistrate , decided that it was one vehicle, and im posed a tine of oue guinea. There are few bits of news more j satisfactory than that t'.io island of | Dry TortugH, with its mi j-ity foe- j tress,has been trans e red to t'n • navy, I and aud will heuce 'o. th serve as a! fortiiied naval base aud coaling sta tion, remarks the New York Tribune. ! It is the first such ta i>n ever pos- ' sessed by tlie United States, an lit is just where such a one is m>s needed, j It will be a veritable " ii > altar of the ' Gulf" for the protection of our south- ! ern coast, the guardianship of our I Caribbean posse is'ous and sjntinel ship over the c :nt-uu appro.icb.es to the canal that is :< 10. We salute the flag uj on Fort Jo Vcr-on ! I.on_, may it wove I The d alers iu automobiles *eo:n to have overli oked a use'ul \ ohr iu no advertising more copiously the :q ecial adaptability of their ma bines for Sunday use. The great objection of the more scrupulous Sabbath-keepers to permitting folks to take their car riages out on Sunday has l ean that it makes too much work for s rvants and horses. This is a fairly sound objec tion, for the desire to make Sunday; a-i far as possible, a day of rest for all bauds has a great deal to recommend it. But an automobile, especially the sort that the owner himself guides, need make hardly any Sunday work in the stable, states E. S. Martin, iu Harper's Weekly. At a pinch it can even stand unwashed until Monday morning. Neither coachman nor groom is needed to take it out, or even wait at homo until it comes back. It is the ideal Sunday vehicle, beating even the bicycle, since its use is neither so laborious as to impair due Sunday rest nor incompatible with Sunday clothes. Lonß-IIrtlr(l ami Shcirl-llnlrod. The following story is told by Dr. Pentecost. The Incident is said to have taken place in the Boston taber nacle. An usher came in and said: "There a man without who wishes to see you." "Well," said Moody, "1 have no time to see him now." "But," replied the usher, "he says he must see you on important business." "Whai kind of a man Is he?" "Oh, he is a tall, thin man, with long hair." "That set tles It," said Moody; "I don't want to see any long haired meu or short haired women-' William Green, ot Harrison county, got two years in the penitentiary for stoning a passenger trai". A FOfcL THERE WAS* BY A. J. WATER HO USB. A Fool there was in the good old day, The Fool of a King, and a merry wight. He cracked his jokes in tlio rare old way, The way that doth ever the world de light; He joked about the mother-in-law, And the plumber man was his funny prey. And the iceman jest brought a loud guffaw From the other fools, as it doea to-day. For the suns may rise and the suns may set And the slow years still the centuries span, But there hasn't been noticed—that is, as yet— A change in the jokes of the fuuny man. Now the Fool one day was exceedingly quaint; His old-maid joke was a rare success, Aud his cap und bells and his touches of paint Were the soul of humor, as you might guess. And the courtiers roared when the good King smiled, They roared in laughter, as courtiers can, Aud they almost died in a transport wild When the monarch said, "What a funny man!" For the years may come and the years may go. But the world and Its people are ever the same; If a ruler sighs they are lost in woe; If he smiles the echoes their mirth pro claim. But e'en while his humor bubbled and flowed, BY HENRY RIDEfIU. SHARP evening it was, tlie street i. ft JWV l am l )S were strug- UIIWW Rliug faintly Wit tliroll ??k a haze of yellow fog—the dead ail au th us blossoms rattled -fH overlleacl as the tree i ll front of Mrs. Medlaw's re d brick house Dloasoruetl 1 nil °* little rattle- Aud Mrs. Mediaw had just sat dowu to her evening refection of toast aud tea, when Polly, the little maid who always wore green checked gingham aud carpet slippers, came shuffling iu. "Please, ma'am there's two youug ladies dowu iu the parlor as says you're their aunt." "Oh, bother!" said Mrs. Medlaw in i sort of soliloquy. "It's Eda and Ella! I knew that they'd come ou me when the old mau died! As if I hadn't auything else to do but to support a swarm of lazy relations. Why didn't you say I wasn't at home, Polly?" "I would, ma'am, if I'd supposed they was any relation of your'n, afore I'd let 'em in," said unconscious Polly. ''But they was dressed so nice and looked so clipper I thought, of course, they was real ladies." "Aud just as the tea was boiling, too!" said Mrs. Medlaw. "Oh, dear me, what a world this is!" Eda and Ella Carr were sitting, pale, black-robed, in the moldy smelling little parlor, when their aunt came in. They were pretty girls, with delicate wax-white complexions, hair so dark that it gave you the im pression of being black, and great, blue-gray eyes. They were so ex actly alike that strangers could scarcely tell them apart; in fact, as Is often the case with twins, then- Voices were pitched in the same key, and you could scarcely decide at first which was speaking. "Well, girls," said Mrs. Medlaw, father ungraciously, "so you've come here?" "We had nowhere else to go, aunt," said Eda, meekly. "Humph!" greeted the old lady. "Take off your things. I suppose you calculate to stay all night?" Ella and Eda looked forlornly at each other. Was this the welcome they had anticipated from their only surviving relation? Mrs. Medlaw lost no time after the scanty meal in opening the subject of ways and means." j "Well," said Mrs. Medlaw, "and what are you going to do now?" "We don't know, aunt," said Ella, 1 trying hard not to cry. I "We haven't quite made up our minds, aunt," said Eda, helplessly, j "Well, ain't it high time you had?" said Mrs. Medlaw. "Folks can't live lon air! And two great, grown-up girls I like you ought to be doing something | to earn their salt!" | Ella winced, but her more courage ous sister responded, promptly: "That's just exactly what we want i to do, Aunt Medlaw." j "If we only knew want," said Ella. | "There's always plenty of work for willing hands," said Mrs. Medlaw. 1 "Perhaps you could suggest some thing," said Ella timidly. "Polly's goiug away and I want a girl to do my housework at 88 a month," said Mrs. Medlaw. Ella hesitated, but Eda shook her head. "We are scarcely strong enough for that, Aunt Medlaw," she said. "Humph! I don't see as you look any way delicate," said Mrs. Medlaw, incredulously. "And Mrs. Hall, that keeps the boarding house next door, needs a waitress at 89 " "Quite out of the question," said resolute Ella. "You're hard to please," sneered the old lady. "P'rhaps you suppose I'm going to pay you a salary for sitting here and working worsteds." Ella rose to her feet Till it seemed that in life he couldn't be grave. The King caught a glimmer, and to him he strode: "A tear iu vour eye! What means It, you knave?" Oh, low sank the head of the Fool on his breast. "Your pardon, my master," 'was this that he said, "Mine eyes do but water the plant of my jest- In the cot over youder my babe Ueth dead." For the carpet of living we knit, wo knit; Warp of losses and woof of gain; And there's never a luugh that is born of wit But through It there soundeth the note pulu. A Fool there was, as I said before. And fools there are to the present day; Aud some of them wear their bells, "but more Dress as oven philosophers may. But whether we pose as that or this Is little of moment, is little for care, For under the mask that we wear is this: The ghost of the hope that Is dead out there. For we strut and stride till the curtain falls, And we laugh no less though the heart be sore. So we hide from others what haunts, ap pals: Tne ghost of the blessing that comes no more. —San Francisco Examiner. "Aunt Medlaw," said she, "we came here for aid aud advice—not to be in sulted." "Humph!" snarled the matron. "What do you expect to do about it. Sit dowu again, Ella Carr. "Don't get mad for nothing. There's another chance I got for you." "What is that?" "I've had to forclose a mortgage on a little fancy store. I waut to put some oue iu it to sell out the stock. I'll give you a fair coinuiissiou ou w.iafc you sell. Come, what do you s. v to that?" "I'm willing to try," said Ella. "Heaven knows I am anxious enough to earu my own living." "And I, too," said Eda. "We know nothing about such a busi ness " "But you can learu, I suppose, said Auut Medlaw. "But we can learu," said Eda, hopefully. And in less than a week the little thread and needle store around the corner, which had presented a grim and shuttered front for some days, was reopened, and two pretty girls, dressed iu black, were posted behiud the counter. Mrs. Mopson seut her two little boys to match a skeiu of green worsted, and enquire for peppermint taffy first. The widow Hope purchased a little hosiery aud three cheap pocket hand kerchiefs. A small girl caiue to ask the time of day and au old mau bought a pair of suspenders, all with in an hour—aud Eda aud Ella began to think they might, in time, de velop into commercial characters of note. To be sure, business waxed rather dull toward the end of the day, but just at dusk a tall, nice-looking youug mau came iu to buy a card of pearl shirt buttons. Ella took dowu a box, and they were quite a long time in selectiug the prettiest pattern aud most appropriate size. "I forgot oue thing," said the young man, after he had contracted for an elghteen-cent investment. "I must have them sewed ou. Could you do it?" "I'll try," said Ella, laughing, "if you'll bring the shirts around." So the young man brought his shirts, and sat dowu to wait, while Ella's needle flew deftly in aud out. He was in a hurry, he told her—be was foreman iu the printing office of a great daily paper, aud worked at nights, when the rest of the world was asleep, like a bat or an owl. In tho meantime Ella was tryiug to suit au old lady in green spectacles, who wauted some ribbon, whose color she didn't exactly know, whose width she wasn't certain about, and whose quality she had not yet made up her mind concerning. But Ella's patieuce, tact and good temper were inexhaus tible. At last the old lady was suited, and went away rejoicing, leaning on the arm of her nephew, who had manifested extraordinary interest iu the shade of the drab ribbon. "That's a nice girl, Oswald," said she. "Do you know, 1 almost think she might suit me as a companion. She seems so very good-humored! I wonder if it would do to ask her if she would like such a situation." "I don't see why uot," said Oswald Grey, thiukiug he had never seen softer gray eyes or prettier hair. "Shall we go back?" "To morrow will bo time enough," said Mrs. Martiguy. On the morrow she came back. "Didn't the ribbon suit?" asked Ella. "Oh, yes," said Mrs. Martiguy; "the ribbon was all right. But there's something else I want." "What is that?" asked Ella inno cently. "A compauion to read to me, take care of my canaries and play drowsy old tunes ou the piano when I feel sleepy. I give five hundred a year, Saturday afternoons and board! Will yon come?" Ela looked at her sister. Five hun dred a year seemed a gieat sum for a girl who uever yet had earned five foi herself. "Yes, go, Eda," said Ella. "I can manage the store by myself easily enough. Aud," in a whisper, "I've taken a contract to make a half dozen new shirts for Mr. Lessuer, we to find material." "Who is Mr. Lessner?" "Oh, the printer. I can do it at odd minutes, when there is no oue in the store!" At the end of the month Eda came to report to her sister. "Well, Eda, how do you like it?" said Ella. "Oh, so much! Mrs. Martiguy is queer, but she is so kind. And—and —Oswald Grey, her nephew, is very polite." "Is he?" "Yes," said Eda, fingering at a box of hooks aud eyes. "I like him ever so much, aud he likes me. To tell the truth, Ella " "I see," said Ella, putting her arms around her sister, "he wants you to be his companion. For life, eh, Eda?" "How do you kuow?" faltered dimpled Eda. "Oh, I'm not quite a fool," said Ella. "But now I've go! something to tell you. I finished Mr. Lessuer's shirts, and they fitted him perfectly. He says I'm the only woman he ever knew who fitted him with shirts on the first trial. He has saved up a lit tle property and he wants to invest it somewhere, and Aunt Medlaw wants to sell out this store. So he's going to buy it aud I'm going to koep it on condition that I marry him." "Oh, Ella!" "Not such a very hard condition, either," said Ella. "Because he's very handsome, and very pleasaut, aud I like him very much; iu fact, I believe I'm iu love with him. There! now it's all out. And Ido believe, Eda, we're the two happiest girls iu the world, and all through Auut Med law's thread and needle store." "Well, well," grumbled Mrs. Med law, "so the girls have cone, and I'm all by myself agaiu. It is rather lone some. They were uice girls—but the young men found it out as well as ire. Young men always do find such things out." MOUNTAIN-GUN AMMUNITION. New Shells For Use In the Guns Pur chased For Philippine Service. A new type of shell has recently been designed for use in mountain-guns of the United States of the variety lately purchased abroad for service in the Philippines. It greatly increases the powers of the gun. The name applied to it is "double common shell." It has a weight of twenty pounds. The staudard shell for the mountain-gun has a weight of twelve and a half pounds. The peculiarity of the new shell is a chemical mixture carried in the explosive chamber, which breaks up, at the instant of the shell's burst ing, iuto incendiary stars. These stars will set ou fire anything in the shape of woodwork, and they are particularly effective in setting on lire sheds aud outhouses. For night service a shrapuel shell has beeu de signed for the mouutaiu-guu which is Hlled with illuminating stars. The effect of a burst is to light up a very large area of grouud with such an in tense glare as to make it possible readily to locute au enemy. The mountaiu-guus seut out to the Philippines were secured in England. They are of a new variety, so new, in fact, that the United States secured several gnus ahead of the British Government. Recently the British authorities have been rushiug out to South Africa, as fast as turned out, gnus of the same variety. Gue of these mountaiu-guns and its carriage weigh collectively 873 pounds. Using a twelve-aud-oue-half-pouud shell, the muzzle velocity, under service coudi tious, is 920 foot seconds. In very rough country it is possible to trans port gun aud carriage ou the backs of four mules, aud for the purpose of transportation iu such mauuer the weights have beeu divided as follows; Guu, 23G pounds; cradle, shafts, crossbar, etc., 220 pounds; trail aud elevating gear, 218 pounds; wheels and axles, 1881 pounds. In the trans portation of ammunition twelve rounds iu four metallic boxes is allowed to each mule, the ammuuitiou weighing 172 pounds, and the metallic boxes thirty-uiue pounds, making2ll pounds for the load. The rauge of the mountaiu-guu is 4300 yards. Its length is a trifle over thirty-eight iuches. In firing trials with the guu a rate of rapidity of fif teen shots per minute has beeu recorded. It is noteworthy tbat the mountaiu-guu is the ouly iield-gun possessed by the United States at present which may properly be classed as a rapid-tire weapon. The mountain piece is provided with a uou-recoil carriage, something which the field guns of the United States do uot pos sess. As a comparisou, Frauoe, which is reckoned to possess the best field-guns to-day, has no less thau 2770 light artillery pieces of the rapid fire type, and each guu capable of firing, if necessary, between fifteen aud twenty shots per minute. Mnile MlMake In the Tree*. Some time ago the city of Richmond, Ind., had to pay S2OOO for destroying a large shade tree. A dangerous tree had been menacing the life aud limb of pedestriaus ou a sidewalk and the city council instructed the chief of police to notify the owner of the tree that it must be cut down "iustanter." The sergeant of police served the no tice on the wrong property owner,who was induced, under protest, to cut down two of the fiue3t shade trees in j the city. This mistake has been dis | covered and the owner wants sub ' stantial damages. If the city has to ! pay S4OOO for the two trees the bonds j men of the police sergeant will be ; asked to contribute.—lndianapolis | Press. jJ .EVER MORMON ELDERS THEIR SUCCESS IN MAKINC SERVANT CIRL CONVERTS. Evidence Tlmt Many Domestic* From I'rotestnut Kurope Hare linruuie l'roi- elytes—Scarcity of Servant* Attributed to This Cause—Skill of the M iuntune* ~I ~Y OR the past three years the !=/ large cities of the East have I been the scene of the labor of CT Mormon elders, who have sought, converts to Mormoniam in kitchens aud at basement entrances. Great numbers of pamphlets have been distributed by these elders among the women who are included in the army of domestic help. A careful investi gation has been made among the agencies, aud particularly among those which act for women that come to this country from Protestant Europe. The result seems clearly to establish the fact long known to many housekeep ers, that many Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, German and English women have deserted housework and gone to Utah. The exact number of pros elytes canuot be given, of course, but those who have been in a position to study the matter, declare that a very large proportion of the unmarried Protestaut female domestic servants have been converted to Mormouism aud taken out West. Recently such an exodus of this kiud occurred in Chicago that the newspapers of that city declared that there was a fainiue of house servants aud no relief could be obtained. Vari ous reasons were assigned and some of them were plausible enough, but what is believed to be the real one was not mentioned. The elders of the Mormon Church might have ex plained the matter, for scores of young women went out to Utah from Chicago at one time. The conversion of these servants has gone on quietly aud been managed with skill. In fact, no generals of modern times have carried on campaigns in the held with greater ability, tact aud energy than have these eiders who have gath ered their recruits from the kitcheus of the land, and left the country with them secretly and silently. Occasionally a mistress has come upon a pamphlet relating to religious matters, generally printed on poor paper, in poorer type and rarely clean or attractive, in make-up. The major ity of these pamphlets have had such titles as "A Friendly Discussion upon Religious Subjects," the seeming harmlessness of which has not tempt ed investigation—sometimes tracts eutitied "A Voice of Warning and In struction to all People," has been seen in the hands of servants, but be yond an occasional discovery of this kiud, people generally have been in utter iguorauce of the work being done in the cities among servant girls by agents of the Mormon Church. One observing womau v/ho successively hired three Swedes, and received from all the same explanation, that they were about to be married, was amazed to notice that the same man proved to be the admirer of two of her cooks. The fact dawned upon her when he was seen in conversation with the third servant. He passed an a brother to the third, bnt succeeded in inducing her to give up her place. Unconscious, aud concerned ruore for the comfort of her family thau the welfare of the help she "engaged, she did not investigate the reasons given her for their leaving, nor did she seek to dissuade a girl from marrying if this reason was made the pretext for departure. One clever woman who happened to bo in thq basement of her house alone one afternoon answered a summons to the street door and there saw a young man whose appearance was that of a countryman, aud whose mauner showed a restraint born of inex perience in his business. The wom an's kitchen apron led him to con clude that he was talking with the cook, and he whisperiugly asked her if she would read a little book he would lend her, and let him come aud talk with her about it sometime? Thereupon he hauded to her a volume of 200 pages, pocket size, aud bound in vivid red cloth. It looked harmless enough, as did the begrimed pamphlet ho also gave her. The man eagerly iuquired when he might call, and was told to come back one week later. Ho did so, aud was met before reaching the basement bell by a member of the household who warued him to leave and return 110 more. Eveu after an examination of the book, which proved to be one ou the faith and doctriue of the Church of the Latter Day Saiuts, she did not realize that her caller was a Mormon older, nor did she suspect that oue of his deuomiuatiou might have converted her last cook, who was a young and strong woman, not long from Sweden. Another housekeeper discovered in the mail box a circular advising the reader to send to a certain address for books, tracts and sermous, aud asking the reader to get the book of Mormou, which could be had for a nominal sum, at au address giveu. Haudiug the circular to her servant see noticed that the latter recognized the subject aud hastily put it not iuto the fire but into the coal box. Sub sequently this same woman found an other printed document in her kitchen, giving a glowiug description of the Salt Lake Temple, aud of Salt Lake City. A poor illustration of the temple adorned the circular. Countless complaints have been made by housekeepers of the presence iu their kitcheus of "followers," aud endless have been the discussions as how best to get rid of them without losing their servants. Aud, wheu notes have beeu compared by neigh bors, it has beeu found that many servants have left their places ou pre texts that wero so trivial as to bear the stamp of untruthfulness, aud that offers of increased wages did uot avail to keep them. The problem of domestic help, cUf* ficult enough in the past to all but the very rich, has become doubly so since this new factor has been introduced into it. Agaiust the influence of the preaching of the elders and their bright pictures of au independent home for their converts in the West, where good, honest farmers are de clared to be in waiting for wives to come to them, nothing avails. The newcomer among servants is, perhaps, easiest won over to the Mormon faith, but all grades have represf ives among the converts. Aud, in justice to the proselytizers, it may be said that they try to convert old and young alike, although they do not encourage others than the young, aud to some extent the middle aged, to go to the West. Those whoso attentions have been called to the activity of the elders among the servant girls and who have investigated the matter And that while their success is more marked among servant girls thau any other class of working women they do not confine themselves to this one class. They frequent the small stores where young women are employed and seek to know women who earn their own livings, particularly the poorer paid wage earners. Their quiet persistency, aud unvaryingly patient attitude toward women, are aids to their success, and they proselytize continuously. Some of the elders have had the courage to baud their pamphlets to women in the streets, carefully selecting the women they accost. The demuad for house servants is universal, and all over the country complaints are heard of the dearth that exists. The Mormon elders have worked so successfully that, it is as serted, they are to be credited with the changed conditions in domestic service; and they have worked so shrewdly that their proselytiziug was not noticed until it had made great headway. From England come fewer domes tics every seasou, and the work of the Mormons in England is said to be the cause. Many English converts to the Mormon Church pass through New York OQ their way to (Jtah, out it is becoming more difficult every day to hire English servants.—New York Sun. TITO Velvet Babies. An almost forgotten book, save among scholars, is "Lays of the Deer Forest," by two brothers, Johu So bieski aud Charles Edward Stuart. It was written by men who lived all the year round among the wild animals of the Highlands, aud learned to love them as only the familiar can. One of the most beautiful descriptions of these abundant nature-notes is that ol a doe, which was seen for several mornings, "restless and anxious, list ening aud searchiugthe wind, trotting up aud down, picking a leaf here and a leaf there." After her short aud unsettled meal, she would take a frisk round, leap into the air, dart into her secret bower, aud appear no more un til the twilight. One day I stole down the brae among the birches. In the middle of the thicket there was a group of young trees growing out of a carpet of moss which yielded like a down pillow. The prints of the doe's slender, forked feet were thickly traced about the hol low, aud in the centre there was a vel vety bed, which seemed a little higher than the rest, but so natural that it would not have been noticed by any unaccustomed eye. I carefully lifted the green cushion, and under its veil, rolled close to gether, the head of each resting on the Hauk of the other, nestled two beautiful little kids, their large velvet ears laid smooth ou their dappled necks, their spotted sides sleek and shining as satin, aud their little deli cate legs, as slender as hazel \vand.s, shod with tiny shoes as smooth and us black as ebony, while their large dark eyes looked at me with a full, mild, quiet gaze, which ha 1 not yet learned to fear the hand of man Still they had a uameless doubt which followed every motiou of miue. Their little limbs shrank from my touch, and their velvet fur rose and fell quickly; hut as I was about to re place the moss, ouo turned its head, lifted its sleek ears toward me, and licked my hand as I laid their soft niautle over them. I often saw them afterward, when they grew strong aud came abroad upon the brne, and frequently I called oft' old Dreaduaught when he crossed their warm track. Tolatol's Sense of Honor, The family of Count Tolstoi has a large circle of acquaintances, anil hardly au evening passes but there are guests. At one music party a lady's singing displeased Couut Tolstoi's boys aud they adjourned to auother room aud made a uoise. Their father lost patience aud went after them, aud a characteristic admonition ensued: "Are yon making a uoise on pur pose?" lie asked. After some hesitation came au an swer in the affirmative: "Y-y-yea." "Does not her singing please you?" "Well, no. Why does she howl?" declared one of the boys, with vexa tion. "So you wish to protest agaiust her singing?" asked Tolstoi iu a serious tone. "Yes." "Then go out and say so, or staud in the middle of the room aud tell every oue present. That would be rude, but upright and honest. But you have got together aud are squeal ing like grasshoppers iu a corner. I will not eudure such protests." New castle (Eng.) Chronicle. Treasure, of the I>eep. It is computed that there is 84,000,- 000,000 worth of gold aud jewels at the bottom of the sea on the route be tween Eugland aud India. | OUR BUDGET OF 11UH0R. , LAUCHTER-PRO VOICING STORIES FOR LOVERS OF FUN. A Sorry Joke Supwratltlon* Collide— Fault on Both Side* Magic of a Name—Still More BeiiiarkaUie— Wliea Polite neat* Doean't l'ay, -Lie., Etc. Tlie automobile tired out And couldn't go at all, So they got au equine, big and stout, Its helpless hulk to haul. The automobile hung Its head. Its helpless plight to see. And to Its shame-faced >-olf it said, "This is u horse on me." —Elliott's Maganiao. Superstition* Collide. "A horseshoe, you see, got wedged in the switch." "Did it derail your car?" "Not much. My car was 13 | Indianapolis Journal. FKUH on Both Side*. She—"You don't kiss me like yoa I did before we were married." I He—"No? Aud before we were I married you never tried to kiss uie when you had a mouthful of pins." I Magic of h Nit me. "What's that ugly, yellowish-brown I thing you have ou, Dorothy?" "Ugly?" This is my new kuaki I coat." j "It is? Oh, how lovely!" Chicago Record. Still More Keniarkiibte. i "He's au old fossil, that's what ho is," remarked Miss Kittish, referring I to Mr. Willoughby. j "But would it not bo more worthy : of remark if he were a youug fossil?" asked Miss Frocks.—Judge. When l'olltPllPM* Doesn't l' iy. "Politeness costs nothing, my friend," remarked the kiudly man to i the man of business." j "Think not?" replied the business ! man. "If I were to be polite to some • people I kuow it would encourage ; them to strike me for a fiver."—PuiU • delphia Press. Thoughtful Child. I'jfh 1p) Kind Little Willie—"Poor grand pa's always losing his slippers. I'll juat fix them so's they'll always he where he wants 'em!"— New York Journal. Irritating Iteration. "It amuses me to hear Hopperdyko say lie is a mau of few words." "Well, he is, but ho eau talk you to death with the few he does kuow."— Chicago Tribuue. Knew the Symptom*. Mr. Beach—"Hero is a letter from Charles." Mrs. Beach—"Read it." Mr. Beach (readiug) "My dearest, durliugest mother " "Great heavens! The youug scoun drel needs more money."—Tit-Bits. Gone For Good, l'erlinp*. Mrs. Author —"I don't think lhat last publisher to whom you seut youi* story will return it, do you, dear?" "Mr. Author—"lt is doubtful, my love; I didu't have money enough to scud him tbe necessary stamps."— Ohio State Journal. A Cliine llfttemhlnnce. "How much did you get to-day?" said the manager. "Something like ten dollars," re plied the collector, handing over the bill. Aud the former, wheu he no ticed it was a counterfeit, admitted that it was much like teu dollars. - Jersey City Farmer. Culinary Deceit*. "Ho prides himself ou his cynical incredulity," remarked Willie Wash ington. "Yes," exclaimed Miss Cayenne; "but ho is so very incousisteut. Ho doubts what he reads iu tho papers, but I have seen him believe every word he saw ou a high-priced menu card."—Washingtou Star. A Young Financier. Little Willie—"Are you going to marry my sister Mamie, Mr. De Joues?" Mr. Do Joues (Maude's steady)— t "Why, Willie, that's a fuuuyquestiou to ask me. What do you want to kuow for?" Little Willie—"'Cause I heard her tell mamma she would give a dollar to kuow, audi ueed the niouey; see?" A Tribute. "I want to stop iu frout of this win dow," said Mr. Blykius, "Why, it's full of millinery!" ex claimed his wife. "I didu't kuow vou admired such things." "I uot only admire; I marvel. I take off my hat to genius, aud the people who cau get 820 apiece for a lot of bunches of odds aud euds like those are qualified to give lessou3 tor Napoleou of fiuuuce." A Sign or lll.trust. Smirking up to his mother oue day, Tommy said: "Ma, haven't I been a good boy since I began going to Suuday-school?" "Yes, my lamb," answered the mother, fondly. "Aud you trust me uow, don't you, ma?" "Yes, darling." "Then what makes you keep tha mince pies locked up in the pantry tho same as erer?"- Collier's Weekly.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers