Freeiand Tribune Established 18S8. PUBLISHED EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY. BY THE TRIEONE PRINTING COMPANY. Limited OFFICE: MAIS STREET ABOVE CENTRE. FREELAND, PA. SrBiCr.U'TION RATES: One Year $1.50 Six Months 75 Four .Hon-lis 50 Two Months 25 The ilute which tho subscription is paid to l on the uddross label of each paper, the chanKo of which to a subsequent date bo comes a receipt lor remittance. Keep the figures in advance of the present date. Re port promptly to tills office whenever papel is not received. Arrearages must he pail When subscription is discontinued Male all men. y orders, checks, do,.payable to the Tribune printmj Company, Limited. Incidentally the automobile will provo a potent ally in the good-roads movement. Early marriages are less common than they used to be, and they will probably be rarer still in the future. A German inventor is said to haro discovered a smokeless, noiseless and odorless powder. If this be true, its use should be made compulsory ou the glorious Fourth. The difference between women who belong to clubs and men who belong to clubs is that the first are supposed to have views ou every subject and the second are not supposed to have views on any subject. The cities and towns which used voting machines at the recent election knew the results long beforo the poll clerks in other places were-well under way with counting the ballots. And there were no marked aud defective tickets to fight over. California promises to become one of the leading manufacturing States in the Union. Its backbone, the Sierra Mountains, is the home of in numerable streams, which are being harnessed to generate electrical power thirty to forty miles for light and power purposes. Derby, Conn., steps to the head in the list of novel causes of strikes, j Thirty girls in a factory there stopped work because one of the employes per sisted in eating limburger cheese with her luncheons—and as the factory happened to be rushed with orders, the strikers won, and the limburger cheese luncheon was banished. "The schools in the majority of our cities have so far overcome the habit of resorting to corporal punishment that the school room now assumes the atmosphere of a pleasant and urbane assemblage of a well-mannered family in the home. The air of freedom and polite behavior takes the place of the suppressed and sullen mien of old tiinos. The significance of this upon the formation of the future citizen in a democracy is obvious," observes United States Commissioner of Edu cation Harris. The New York Press merrily says: "Chighte, Choinge, Choga, Chrecage, Cigaigo, Czikago, Dsicago, Gaceco, Gigaga, Hicago, Kikago, Sohikka, Sehogio, Schicliaeo, Shkago, Sjicago, Stikago, Sugargar, Tschicago, Tchigo, Tezhiago, Zhtjgo. The postal author ities dumped these various ortho graphic curiosities on as many letters into the Chicago bag and found tbey all fitted." This is a graceful ac knowledgment of the fact that Chicago is practically the whole thing, and the postal authorities know it, adds the Chicago Times-Herald. Too many young men are educated to do the things that they are not fitted to do. Boys should rather be taught to use the tools that they will be most likely to need in their life-work in order to support themselves and those who will bo dependent upon them for their living, aud largely for their hap piness, thinks Collis P. Huntington, This is au age of specialties, and those who confine themselves to one kind of work aud become as nearly perfect in their particular line as it is possi ble for a man to become, are the ones who will succeed best. Icing Range Rifle Shooting. In the current number of the Nine teenth Century Mr. Bo.illie-Grohman says British rifle shooting suffers by the Britons' preference for long range shooting. He points to the defeat of the English team at the recent In ternational rifle match in Holland. Out of eight competing teams Britain was fourth in the prone position, fourth In the kneeling position, aud a bad eighth !n shoulder shooting, thus receiving the seventh place in the aggregate, l'his is due, he thinks, to the British neglect of shoulder shooting and shoot ing at short ranges. He contends that the British long dlstanco shooting aorders perilously near upon "fancy work." He advocates the formation of riflo clubs on the analogy of local toot ball and cricket clubs. THE RETURN TO TNE OLD TOWN. 0 the little old town that 1 left one day. Because It wns quiet, still Has the name that it had when I went way, And stands on the 9ame old hill; But the ones that were dear In the little old town, With its one wide street running up and down, Have ceased to sit on tlie pofches where The roes were trained to climb; They have ceased to sew and to whittle there. As they did in the dear old ticne. The little old church with its wooden sheds .Still stands as it stood of yore; But the ones who kuelt and who bowed their heals Are worshipiut? there no more! And the little old school whore I carved my name On the homemade desk stands just tho But the boys who are battincr the b ill to-day Aud the little maids, fair and free, Are not the children who used to play On the common there with mo! I THE PORKS OP THE ROAD. | An Episode in the Business Life of $ }s• a Young Man. <P O succeed, hunt f°r the fiuger- TT board when you M come to the forks / of the road. Find 1 it. Stu d y it. —.---aJ J Theu choose jut—-iffl L A w ' 3e man sa Iflli / " la ' to k* 3 8on ' *■ii)i if IPh feV and he remen- JujAwjt ber e d it one troubled day —J ong afterwards. Phil Everett was to have been a doctor, like ail the Everett men, but after the accident that made his father a helpless cripple, he gave that up aud went into the great house of Byrd & Hull, there to learu busiuess and make a living for the family, for it was found that there was little money to the fore. He faced a new life there; he did not even know the language of the strange world that he had set out to conquer. But no matter, Mark Ap pleton made friends with him at once, and wisdom aud Mark Appleto i traveled together. Mark knew it a he had the whole system of busine--1 straight and clear in his mind. An i be was so bright and friendly aud a.- togethor captivating! Such a friend must be the safest of all guides—if he wore not the most perilous. Instruction began at once. In his euthusiam for work, Phil did some thing that another was expected to do. Mark disapproved of that. "Do the work you're paid for do ing, aud let the rest alone, Philip. Oh, yes, I know, you weren't think ing about the pay; but that's the only thing to thiuk about. You don't want to earn money for some other follow; that isn't business." Phil's ardor for doing the best he could was a little chilled. Another day he modestly let au older mau have au excellent assignment that he might have had himself. He was laughed at by the rest, aud Mark leotured him again.' "Here's tho first priuoiple of busi ness, my frieud: Get close up to the baud! Never lose a chaucs to get to the front!" That was the substance of Mark Appletou's busiuess creed; and day by day Phil heard the details of it. "Somebody has to march behind; see that your're not the one!" "It's just as fair tor you to push the rest back, as it would be for the rest to push you back." "If you take the prize, the rest are no worse off than you'd be if some other fellow took it." "You'll be shouldered out of your place if you dou't shoulder somebody else out. Never mind about the other fellows. The place ahead of you is yours, if you cau get it." "You ean'.t stop for questions. Success—That's what you want. J And alter you get that, there won't be any questions asked," Phil listened, fascinated; soon he called the talk inspiring; next he found it convincing. The talk ho used to hear from that other comrade, his father, was very different, but then—well, these were new times, and old nations were out of date. So the loving son of au honored father took counsel with tho teacher of new no tions, aud said nothing about them at home. At last one day, after tho new re cruit had followed Mark Appletou's flag pretty far into tho swamp, ho came to tho forks of the road. This was the day for the Frew as signment, the best one ot the year. Tho Frew contract was hard to get, aud to be chosen to go after it was in itself a promotion. The one so trusted was understood to be well started on his business career. Gen erally tho assignment came in rota tion, but that rule was subject to ex ceptions. This time it was expected to go to John Warner; Phil was glad of that, for he liked John, and there were hard times in the Warner house. Phil was working alone, when an order came for him to go into the private oflice of Air. Black, tho man ager of the department. He went, wondering. Mr. Black began on him with his usual abruptness. 'lon haven't been here vory long, Everett, but you've had plenty of in struction siuco you came; aud"—ho smiled here, a queer little smile "you appear to be a rather willing learner. Your father and I havo always been friends, aud I am willing togivl your father's son the best chance e can put in his way He stopped again, and looked ou' into space, while Phil began to turn hot and cold. "It is a little irregular, but the Frew The little house, so dear, so dear, Stands just where It used to stand; But not for mauy and many a year Has the latch obeyed her hand— Tho hand lu which rav hand was laid When iuy;ilrst few faltering steps were made— And In the little old parlor there. O'erlooklng the little lawn, Another sits in her easy chair And hears the clock tick on. O the little old town that I loft one day, Because It was quiet, still Has the name that it hud when I went nwuy, And stands on tho same old JUill; But the friends that I've traveled "back home" to see Are gone or else are but strangers to me. And over the doors of tho little old stores Are names that I never know, And the dream that was dear of the "old home" here Cau never, alas, cotne true! —S. E. Eiger. assignment is yours, if you want it." The Frew assignment! His if he wanted it. He stammered out some thing, but the manager interrupted him with a gesture of dismissal be fore he could even say how thankful he was. "That's all right, but take a little time to think it over; it may have more thau one side to it, you know, j Come back in fifteen minutes. Of course you would like to consult your father about it"—Phil winced slight ly at that—"but there isn't time. You might aek Appleton's advice, though, if he happens along." Phil went out, dizzy with exulta tion. The keen triumph of untbauglit of success set his blood to dancing. Here was his chance to "get close up to the band," and that was the first principle of business, Mark said. Why should he take fifteen minutes to think over it? Then the thought of John Warner gave his triumph a chili. Was it fair to shoulder faithful John out of his rightful place in this way? All Mark's glib sayings went babbling through his brain to answer that, but somehow they seemed less inspiring thau at first. "Consult your father!" Well, what, would his father say about it? That question was a flashlight, and all at once he saw the forks of the road before him. The way ho took now he would travel in, for better or for worse. Down he went among the muddy weeds of the swamp, and groped for the fallen finger-board. He found it, and he read it; then he must choose. "It isn't fair, and I won't do it!" He had made his choice; he would not go back from it; but—"lt's pretty hard to give up such a chance as that. Would be harder for the fellow the chauco belongs to, though!" He sighed, then smiled. "I know well enough what father would say—'lf you are not quite sure it's right, you may be pretty sure it's wrong'—i've heard him say it many a time." He started for Mr. Black's office again. "He'll laugh at me for being silly, but I can't help that." "Hello, Philip!" There was Mark Appletou, with more advice, no doubt. "Kuow what I'm here for?" Mark asked complacently. "No." "To apply for the Drew assign ment. If you can't reach what you want, ask for it." "You won't get it. It isn't your turn, you know." "It's auybody's turn that can get it, my friend. If I can get it by ask ing, so much the better for me. If Warner's too green to ask for it, so much the worse for him." "Is that fair? It wouid go to Warner without asking, if nobody interfered. And you know as well as I do how much he needs it." "You're pretty green yet, little one. The survival of the fittest, you know. That's business." "Is it? Thou I'm all right, for I've got that assignment. Mr. Black gave it to me not fifteen minutes ago." Mark gasped, turned pale, then red, and was speechless with consternation for the space of half a minute. "Wha-a-a-t!" he stammered then. "Yon—you don't say you've been mean enough to take it! What right have you to it? The last one taken on, and you go cutting in ahead of all the men that have been here for years! Talk about mean things! I didn't think you'd play such a trick on ine, anyhow, after all I've done for you!" "Oh, I dou't kuow." Phil had a malicious pleasure in the miserable logic of the situation. " 'The prize is there for whoever can take it,' you know. 'Never mind about the other fellows. The place ahead of you is yours if you can get it.' 'After you get success there won't be any ques tions asked.' 'lf you can't get close up to the baud ' " "Oh, shut up! You've played a moan trick ou a Irieud, and that's all there is of it. I trusted you, and you went back on me." "Yon? What right had you to it? But there; it is a mean thing to take another fellow's salary—l mean chauce —just because you can; it would be just as honest to take his pocketbook. I was just going in to tell Mr. Black that I wouldn't have the job. on." Wondering whether anybody could be such a fool as Phil Everett made himself out to be, but determined to make the most of his foolishness, Mark followed him into the private office. "Mr. Black." Phil looked straight into the manager's eyes and spoke out bravely. "I've thought it over about that assignment and I've deeided not to keep it." " ust as yon please," Mr. Black sai.. indifferently. "But what's the matter? Why won't you keep it?" He glanced suspiciously at Mark. "Well, I can't make out that it be longs to me. I can make it sound all right, but somehow I can't make it feel right." This time Mr. Black smiled, the same queer smile. Mark opened his mouth to speak, but Phil gave him no chance. "You gave the chance to mo, Mr. Black, and I give it back to" —he paused tho fraction of a second. It was Mark that smiled this time; Mr. Black was scowling—"to John War ner. It really belongs to him." Mr. Black unconsciously drew a long breath. "Warner shall have it," ho said, in his usual busiuess tone. Then he surprised Phil by suddenly shaking hunds with him. "You've come through it well," he said cordially. "Hasn't he, Appletou?" But Appletou had not waited to an swer auy questions. "It will do your father a lot of good when he kuows about it," said Mr. I Black, still holding the young fellow's hand. "Father? Oh, he won't know any thing about it," Phil said in a half wistful, half shamed tone. "Won't he?" Mr. Black laughed out. "Well, perhaps. He was will ing that I should make the test, but he told me just how it would turn out. He was sure that his boy would come to no real harm—yet. How go back to your work, and after this—well, suoh a father as yours is just about tho best adviser a young fellow oau have." LYDDITE .IS A FEARSOME THINC. The DeatructiTe Explosive Which Gieat Britain Is Using in Africa. General Joubert has protested to General White against the use of lyd dite, on the ground that its use is a barbarism, intolerable in "civilized" warfare. Lyddite is made by treating carbolic with nitric acid. It is therefore picric acid. But picric acid is so enormous ly explosive in its impulses as to be incapable of use or even of safe han dling. In the manufacture of lyddite picric acid is subjected to a secret process which renders it as safe to haudle as ordinary gunpowder with out iu the le'ast impairing its terrific explosive force. Lyddite is the most destructive ex plosive that can be handled with safety by its user. Ounce for ounce it is from live to seven times more destruc tive than nitro-glyceriue aud from forty to fifty-six times more powerful than tho best gunpowder. It is safe to haudle, aud no other high explosive is. It gives off no sickening fumes. It cau be fired from ordinary guns without danger of ex- j plosion from concussion. A shell full of lyddite thrown into a j regiment produces the same effect as j dynamite exploded in a stream full of | fish—plus blood and mangling and the sounds of creatures in anguish.—New York World. Teu Dollars for a "Strati!" English conuoissours' of violins are ju.it iIW discussing the reality of a "Strad" which, it is alleged, lias beeu rescued from the shop in the Midlands of a pawnbroker who did not know its value. According to the story, says the London Daily Telegraph,an itine rant musioiau was unable to pay his bill at an inn in Wolverhampton aud left his violin instead. Tho landlord took it to a pawn broker and raised a little money on it, aud gave the owner the ticket, so that he might redeem it when his services were financially more appreciated than up to then they apparently had been. That consummation never ar-l rived, aud as Boniface could play a little he purchased the unredeemed fiddle from the temporary holder for §lO and played on it for his own amusement. Everybody was struck with its peculiarly rich tone, aud at last, actiug on advice, he submitted it to experts, who declared it to be a real "Strad." Inside was found the in scription, "Antonius Stradivarius, 1710." This romarkablo fiddle will no doubt form tho subject of mauy more aiscussious. Had the Ticket in HI. 11 on til. Tho spectacle of the absent-minded man frantically goiug through his pockets in a vain search for bis trans fer ticket while that valuable sky-blue document drooped gracefully beneath his mustache was hugely enjoyed by the passengers of an uptown ear tho other evening. Even tho stolid con ductor caught tho joke aud betrayed an amount of patience which should have aroused suspicion on the part of tho victim. Finally, when the trans fer threatened to be entirely de molished, the conductor mildly indica ted its locality to the embarrassment of its owner aud the delight of bis fel low travelers. Presently the absent minded man reaohed bis corner, and as he got to the rear be stuck his head back into the door and fired a parting shot at tho conductor; "Ta ta, old boy. That's all right. The trans fer was a week old, and I was just chewing off the date." —New York Commmorcial Advertiser. Automobile Artillery. It passes comprehension that we should at this age ho using horses to draw cannon when there was steam artillery over 130 years ago. Tho obstreperous, balky, stampeding mule is used by Great Britain in the Trans vaal war. Instead of sending hospi tal ships, Lady Randolph Churchill would cud the war sooner by provid ing the conservative South Afrioan "Brits" with a few automobiles capa ble of climbiug mountains and draw ing loads of 5000 pounds. We cau make them.—New Ilork Presr MAXIMS OF A MAGNATE. WHILE COMPILING THEM HIS CON SCIENCE HAS AN AWAKENING. lie Didn't Want to Inspire Any Ottier Farmer I.atl to Follow Ills Devious l'atli to Wealth, So He Deellneil to Write His Autobiography. The millionaire aut at tlio writing table in his library and reflectively chewed the cud of a pen. He was about to undertake tho lirst literary labor of his lifo—an autobiographical sketch which Ihe editor of a magazine devoted to the edification of American youth had asked him to contribute to its pages. "Your notable achieve ments in the field of commercial en deavor," wrote the editor, "have made your name a synonym of suc cess. An account of the steps by which you have reached your present eminence cannot fail to be at once in teresting, instructive and inspiring." When you talk that way to a mill ionaire, as a general thing, you have got him. There seemed no reason why there should havo been any difficulty about the matter. Yet he had been sitting there for three-quarters of au hour and the only word he had written was "I." As a jnatter of fact, this Bhining ex ample, who had probably "made" more dollars than any other man of his age in the United States, had never taken time to look baok and consider the stages of his progress. Apparently the procees was not a pleasing one, for he was frowning darkly at the heavy oriental window hangings. At last he took the splint ered pen from his mouth, dipped it in the inkstand and wrote: "I have always been guided by these maxims. "Get up enrly and keep busy. "Dou't let a good thing get away from you. "Let the other fellow put up. "Never get gay with the boss. "Hold on to your coin and keep holding on. "You can't bo a good follow and do busi ness both. "Friends are all right, but look out for them." He leaned baok in his leather-up holstered chair and read over what he had written, then frowned again. "They're all right, as far as I can see," he said, "but somehow they aiu't going to look well in print." He rose and went over to where a large unabridged dictionary was open on its staud and made a number of references. Then he returned to the table and wrote: "Rise oarly and let no part of tho day be without Its profitable employment. "Be alert to recognize opportunity and quick to take advantage of It. "Exerolse a prudent reserve In business transactions. "If employed, let your omployer And vou polite, diligent and cheerful. "Practice frugality—deny yourself all forms of expensive entertainment and in dulgence. "Purely sentimontal considerations can not bo allowed to Influence or govern busi ness matters." "That sounds a little better, though it's about the same thing," said the millionaire. "If any young man fol lows those precepts lie can get rich if he doesn't have bad look." He began to bite his peu agaiu, for the autobiography was beginning to simmer intangibly in his brain. He was fighting the battle over. A boy on a farm at the beck and call of every body, debarred from even ordinary comforts and all advantages, shrewd by nature, shifty by necessity, with the parsimony of a miserly father always before his eyes. The tardy esoape from tho farm by the uu mourued death of that father, his em ployment in the village store. Then years of persistent effort, crawling, squirming, elbowing, saving, starving, cheating, lying, passing from petty fraud to bolder swindle, with ever increasing gains, stifling every gener ous impulse, overy noble emotion, sacrificing love as well as he had long since sacrificed honor, striving with the fear of the law for the fear of the Lord and finding his reward for it all in what? Ho looked around the room, and the luxury that he saw seemed ou tho whole a fairly satisfactory answer to the question. Yet there must have been some doubt about the matter, for he began to think of other reasons why it had beeu worth while. Among them were some highly complimentary references to his generosity from cer tain well-known divines. There was the memory of foes overborne and trodden down; of competitors remorse lessly crushed; of the adulation, the unfeigned reverence of men; of this letter, for instance. He took up the letter and read it over again. It was certainly flatter ing. The mere fact that ho had been asked to toll the public the story of his life was flattering. And it showed what the public wanted—-its great and feverish desire—its idoal. It wanted suocess and its fruition—dollars and cents. "Your notable achievements!" They were certainably notable; the cornering of staple products, the watering of stocks, the manipulation of markets, ruin to others, but each "achievement" a step to "present cmiucnoe." "They can talk about their poets and philosophers and their writers aud painters and inventors," said the millionaire to himself, smiling at the frayed end of his pen. "They don't amount to that compared to the man who has got the stuff." He snapped hi.s fingers to illustrate his comparison. "They may amount to somothiug about fifty years after they are dead, but I can buy them all living," he re sumed. Then he dipped the pen in the ink again and wrote "I" aud stopped. "This ought to be easy," he said, "but I'm blamed if I kuow whore to start or what to say when I getstarted —what the other fellows say, I sup | pose, then chuck in tho maxims aud let it go at tbat. Those people will tell their rentiers about my praise worthy industry and my wonderful sagacity and my indomitable energy." He laughed contemptuously and took up the letter again. "What do they mean by au 'inspiration?'" he asked himself. "I wonder whether reading what I write about myself will make any boy beginning life pattern himself after me. If I thought so " He became thoughtful and pressed his pen into the blotting pad until ho broke the nib. At last he raised his list and brought it down ou the table with a bang. "I'll draw the line bore," he ex claimed. "This is the jumping-oft place. I ought to be able to afford to quit this sort of thing." Whereupon he folded up the pub lisher's letter and, taking up the carnelian and gold pen, wrote on it for the instruction of his secretary: "Nit."—Kennett F. Harris, in Chi cago Record. TOO GOOD AN ACTOR. The Man Who Interrupted the .Speaker Overdid Hie Part. "I know I oughtn't to give this away," said a New Orleans politician, "but it's too good to keep. The other day I happened to drop into the office of one of our campaigu orators and noticed the manuscript of a speech which he proposed to deliver that night lying on his desk. Without thinking any harm I picked it up, and in running my eye over the first few pages was surprised to find the thread of the argument interrupted here and there by a 'voice from the audience,' which asked impertinent questions. In each instance a very pat answer was written down, and I Paw at once that a little comedy had been pre pared in advance to show off the orator's skill at repartee. I laid the manuscript down and said nothing, but that night I went out to the meet ing to see the fun. Knowing exactly where the first interruption was going to occur I was on the alert when the place in the speech was reached, and, sure enough, up popped a tough looking individual and flrod ofl question No. 1. I must admit the scene was well acted. When the question was asked the audience laughed aud then waited eagerly to hear what the speaker would say. For a moment he seemed embarrassed aud disconcerted, and then, just as every body thought he was completely cor nered, he suddenly straightened up and shot back a reply so apt and witty that it turned the tables in a twink ling. The effect wan electrical, and tho whole house went wild. I snick ered in my sleeve aud waited for in terruption No. 2, which passed ofl with equal eclat for the orator. "lu fact, the scheme would have beeu a great success if the interrupter hadn't played his part too well. He was so extremely natural aud gave such a fine imitation of a hobo bent ou breaking up a meeting that when he started in the third time a big policeman grabbed him by the neck and put him under arrest. He tried to protest, but it was no go, aud in threo minutes he was on his way to jail. After the meeting was over the ! orator hopped into a cab and hurried j down to bail him out. I understand he was pretty sick of his job, aud un-' less a substitute can be found the rest ■ of my frieud's speech will probably i be made without repartee trimmings." Brakesman Was Disgusted. An incident took place not over 100 miles from Coldwater not down ou the time card. As No. 15 was pulling out of the station a brakeman noticed a woman running across the park toward the train. Ho supposed she wanted to get aboard and pulled the bell cord and stopped the train. He jumped off the car to assist the lady aboard, but he had no more thau struck the ground when a man jumped off be hind him and ran toward the woman. He beat the brakeman there, threw his arms around the womau, kissed her and ran back to the train. When the brakeman recovered his senses aud realized what had happened, he threw his hands over his head and yelled in a disgusted tone of voice, "Is that all?" It was a case of whore a man forgot to kiss his wife before leaving home, and a littlo thing like holding up a passenger train did not daunt the woman. She wanted to be kissed ! goodby.—Coldwater Courier. How Englishmen Regard America. No one enu meet and tall; with the English people anil not be thoroughly convinced of their admiration and friendslSp for Americans. They have really au exaggerated idea of their capabilities and achievements, and of tho wealth and power of tho eo utry. Uncle Sam has proved au equal match in what John Bull considers tho great est objects of life—making money and winning battles. Ho now regards America as one does a poor relation who has come into a fortune. The ties of kinship have suddenly become strong. England fears but one danger —a coalition of European powers. Prance and Germany, or Itussia nud France, might threaten bor supremacy. "In that case"—l have heard this said again aud again—"of course we should expect tho United States to como to our assistance aud tight by our side.-"—Correspondence New York Sun. Studying AESsop in Central Africa* Probably Hiisop is not so much read in our own country as bo used to be, but there Is a chance for him yet in Central Africa. The report of the Loudon Missionary Society relates that at Kuwimbo au "JEsop class" is conducted by tbe native teachers on Sunday afternoons. "Sometimes," says the report, "the lessons they draw are very good and helpful, and contain more Christian teaching than tho fables themselves would warrant." —Birmingham (England) Tost. THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Getting Down to Business —An Abortion Refuted—Hla Suggestion—Tit For Tat —Progress Practical Advice Pat's Example—An Anecdote, Etc., Etc* Iler eyes were rod, bor nose was black, Who flung her arms in air; She wildly waved her loved ones back, And hurried here aud there. The smoke and steam curled round her head, She rushed that way and this, As if her souses all had fled And thiugs were all amiss! Anon across her nose she drew Her sleeve and licked her thumbs, And then, with little more ado, Began preserving plums. •—Chicago Times-llerald* An Assertion Refute' l . "Wadsleigh says hi \iever makes mistakes." "Hm—m! That's one of 'em." Ills Suggestion. She—"Very few people know how to shake hands properly." He—"Well, there are other forms of greeting, you know." Tit For Tat. Cyclist—"l'm 'run down,* doctor • Facetious Doctor—"Well, you've run down a good many people in your time, so it's only tit for tat."—Fun. Progress. Mamma—"The baby is learning to pronounce the names of thiugs quite distinctly." Papa—"Yes; and in a command ing tone."—Puck. Practical Advice. The Singer—"When I get encored I shall bow like this." The Pianist—"Oh, never mincl that. Do practice something you will have need to do."—Pick-Me-Up. Pat's Example. "What is a fraction?" "A part of auythiug, sorr." "Give an example." "The sivinteenth of November."— Melbourne (Australia) Weekly Times. An Aviecdolo. "William," said tho schoolmaster, "you should alwuys dot your i's aud cross your t's." "And so I would, in sooth," replied the youthful Shukespeare, gazing doubtfully at his manuscript, "if I eould tell which is which."—Puck. Shukespeare Illustrated. C Ms SOME ARE BORN GREAT; SOME ACHIEVE GREATNESS; AND SOME HAVE GREATNESS THRUST UPON THEM. —Life. The Youngster's Concession. \ Little Charley—"Papa, will you buy me a drum for a present?" Pater—"Ah, but, my boy, you will disturb me very much if I do." Little Charlie—"Oh, no, papa! I won't drum only when you are asleep." Qood liileriiutlonal law. ' Jabbers —"I tell you, old man, it's a terrible thing when your wife quar rels with her mother and the old lady lives with you. Which side do you take?" Havers—"Noither. I preserve an alnrmod neutrality."—Harper's Bazar, Ilia Last mtd Convincing; Argument. Canvasser —"I have here a work " Master of the House—"l can't read." Canvasser-"But your children " Master of the House (triumphantly) —"I have no ohildren; nothing but a cat." Canvasser—"Well, you want some thing to throw at the cat," He took the book.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers