Freeiand Tribune
Established 18S8.
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Incidentally the automobile will
provo a potent ally in the good-roads
movement.
Early marriages are less common
than they used to be, and they will
probably be rarer still in the future.
A German inventor is said to haro
discovered a smokeless, noiseless and
odorless powder. If this be true, its
use should be made compulsory ou
the glorious Fourth.
The difference between women who
belong to clubs and men who belong
to clubs is that the first are supposed
to have views ou every subject and
the second are not supposed to have
views on any subject.
The cities and towns which used
voting machines at the recent election
knew the results long beforo the poll
clerks in other places were-well under
way with counting the ballots. And
there were no marked aud defective
tickets to fight over.
California promises to become one
of the leading manufacturing States
in the Union. Its backbone, the
Sierra Mountains, is the home of in
numerable streams, which are being
harnessed to generate electrical power
thirty to forty miles for light and
power purposes.
Derby, Conn., steps to the head in
the list of novel causes of strikes, j
Thirty girls in a factory there stopped
work because one of the employes per
sisted in eating limburger cheese with
her luncheons—and as the factory
happened to be rushed with orders,
the strikers won, and the limburger
cheese luncheon was banished.
"The schools in the majority of our
cities have so far overcome the habit
of resorting to corporal punishment
that the school room now assumes the
atmosphere of a pleasant and urbane
assemblage of a well-mannered family
in the home. The air of freedom and
polite behavior takes the place of the
suppressed and sullen mien of old
tiinos. The significance of this upon
the formation of the future citizen in
a democracy is obvious," observes
United States Commissioner of Edu
cation Harris.
The New York Press merrily says:
"Chighte, Choinge, Choga, Chrecage,
Cigaigo, Czikago, Dsicago, Gaceco,
Gigaga, Hicago, Kikago, Sohikka,
Sehogio, Schicliaeo, Shkago, Sjicago,
Stikago, Sugargar, Tschicago, Tchigo,
Tezhiago, Zhtjgo. The postal author
ities dumped these various ortho
graphic curiosities on as many letters
into the Chicago bag and found tbey
all fitted." This is a graceful ac
knowledgment of the fact that Chicago
is practically the whole thing, and the
postal authorities know it, adds the
Chicago Times-Herald.
Too many young men are educated
to do the things that they are not fitted
to do. Boys should rather be taught
to use the tools that they will be most
likely to need in their life-work in
order to support themselves and those
who will bo dependent upon them for
their living, aud largely for their hap
piness, thinks Collis P. Huntington,
This is au age of specialties, and those
who confine themselves to one kind
of work aud become as nearly perfect
in their particular line as it is possi
ble for a man to become, are the ones
who will succeed best.
Icing Range Rifle Shooting.
In the current number of the Nine
teenth Century Mr. Bo.illie-Grohman
says British rifle shooting suffers by
the Britons' preference for long range
shooting. He points to the defeat of
the English team at the recent In
ternational rifle match in Holland. Out
of eight competing teams Britain was
fourth in the prone position, fourth In
the kneeling position, aud a bad eighth
!n shoulder shooting, thus receiving
the seventh place in the aggregate,
l'his is due, he thinks, to the British
neglect of shoulder shooting and shoot
ing at short ranges. He contends that
the British long dlstanco shooting
aorders perilously near upon "fancy
work." He advocates the formation of
riflo clubs on the analogy of local toot
ball and cricket clubs.
THE RETURN TO TNE OLD TOWN.
0 the little old town that 1 left one day.
Because It wns quiet, still
Has the name that it had when I went way,
And stands on the 9ame old hill;
But the ones that were dear In the little old
town,
With its one wide street running up and
down,
Have ceased to sit on tlie pofches where
The roes were trained to climb;
They have ceased to sew and to whittle
there.
As they did in the dear old ticne.
The little old church with its wooden sheds
.Still stands as it stood of yore;
But the ones who kuelt and who bowed their
heals
Are worshipiut? there no more!
And the little old school whore I carved my
name
On the homemade desk stands just tho
But the boys who are battincr the b ill to-day
Aud the little maids, fair and free,
Are not the children who used to play
On the common there with mo!
I THE PORKS OP THE ROAD. |
An Episode in the Business Life of $
}s• a Young Man. <P
O succeed, hunt
f°r the fiuger-
TT board when you
M come to the forks
/ of the road. Find
1 it. Stu d y it.
—.---aJ J Theu choose
jut—-iffl L A w ' 3e man sa
Iflli / " la ' to k* 3 8on '
*■ii)i if IPh feV and he remen-
JujAwjt ber e d it one
troubled day
—J ong afterwards.
Phil Everett was to have been a
doctor, like ail the Everett men, but
after the accident that made his father
a helpless cripple, he gave that up
aud went into the great house of Byrd
& Hull, there to learu busiuess and
make a living for the family, for it
was found that there was little money
to the fore.
He faced a new life there; he did
not even know the language of the
strange world that he had set out to
conquer. But no matter, Mark Ap
pleton made friends with him at once,
and wisdom aud Mark Appleto i
traveled together. Mark knew it a
he had the whole system of busine--1
straight and clear in his mind. An i
be was so bright and friendly aud a.-
togethor captivating! Such a friend
must be the safest of all guides—if he
wore not the most perilous.
Instruction began at once. In his
euthusiam for work, Phil did some
thing that another was expected to do.
Mark disapproved of that.
"Do the work you're paid for do
ing, aud let the rest alone, Philip.
Oh, yes, I know, you weren't think
ing about the pay; but that's the only
thing to thiuk about. You don't want
to earn money for some other follow;
that isn't business."
Phil's ardor for doing the best he
could was a little chilled. Another
day he modestly let au older mau have
au excellent assignment that he might
have had himself. He was laughed
at by the rest, aud Mark leotured him
again.'
"Here's tho first priuoiple of busi
ness, my frieud: Get close up to the
baud! Never lose a chaucs to get
to the front!"
That was the substance of Mark
Appletou's busiuess creed; and day
by day Phil heard the details of it.
"Somebody has to march behind;
see that your're not the one!"
"It's just as fair tor you to push the
rest back, as it would be for the rest
to push you back."
"If you take the prize, the rest are
no worse off than you'd be if some
other fellow took it."
"You'll be shouldered out of your
place if you dou't shoulder somebody
else out. Never mind about the other
fellows. The place ahead of you is
yours, if you cau get it."
"You ean'.t stop for questions.
Success—That's what you want. J And
alter you get that, there won't be any
questions asked,"
Phil listened, fascinated; soon he
called the talk inspiring; next he
found it convincing. The talk ho
used to hear from that other comrade,
his father, was very different, but
then—well, these were new times, and
old nations were out of date. So the
loving son of au honored father took
counsel with tho teacher of new no
tions, aud said nothing about them at
home.
At last one day, after tho new re
cruit had followed Mark Appletou's
flag pretty far into tho swamp, ho
came to tho forks of the road.
This was the day for the Frew as
signment, the best one ot the year.
Tho Frew contract was hard to get,
aud to be chosen to go after it was in
itself a promotion. The one so
trusted was understood to be well
started on his business career. Gen
erally tho assignment came in rota
tion, but that rule was subject to ex
ceptions. This time it was expected
to go to John Warner; Phil was glad
of that, for he liked John, and there
were hard times in the Warner house.
Phil was working alone, when an
order came for him to go into the
private oflice of Air. Black, tho man
ager of the department. He went,
wondering. Mr. Black began on him
with his usual abruptness.
'lon haven't been here vory long,
Everett, but you've had plenty of in
struction siuco you came; aud"—ho
smiled here, a queer little smile
"you appear to be a rather willing
learner.
Your father and I havo always
been friends, aud I am willing togivl
your father's son the best chance e
can put in his way He stopped
again, and looked ou' into space,
while Phil began to turn hot and cold.
"It is a little irregular, but the Frew
The little house, so dear, so dear,
Stands just where It used to stand;
But not for mauy and many a year
Has the latch obeyed her hand—
Tho hand lu which rav hand was laid
When iuy;ilrst few faltering steps were
made—
And In the little old parlor there.
O'erlooklng the little lawn,
Another sits in her easy chair
And hears the clock tick on.
O the little old town that I loft one day,
Because It was quiet, still
Has the name that it hud when I went
nwuy,
And stands on tho same old JUill;
But the friends that I've traveled "back
home" to see
Are gone or else are but strangers to
me.
And over the doors of tho little old
stores
Are names that I never know,
And the dream that was dear of the "old
home" here
Cau never, alas, cotne true!
—S. E. Eiger.
assignment is yours, if you want it."
The Frew assignment! His if he
wanted it. He stammered out some
thing, but the manager interrupted
him with a gesture of dismissal be
fore he could even say how thankful
he was.
"That's all right, but take a little
time to think it over; it may have
more thau one side to it, you know,
j Come back in fifteen minutes. Of
course you would like to consult your
father about it"—Phil winced slight
ly at that—"but there isn't time. You
might aek Appleton's advice, though,
if he happens along."
Phil went out, dizzy with exulta
tion. The keen triumph of untbauglit
of success set his blood to dancing.
Here was his chance to "get close up
to the band," and that was the first
principle of business, Mark said.
Why should he take fifteen minutes
to think over it?
Then the thought of John Warner
gave his triumph a chili. Was it fair
to shoulder faithful John out of his
rightful place in this way? All
Mark's glib sayings went babbling
through his brain to answer that, but
somehow they seemed less inspiring
thau at first. "Consult your father!"
Well, what, would his father say
about it?
That question was a flashlight, and
all at once he saw the forks of the
road before him. The way ho took
now he would travel in, for better or
for worse. Down he went among the
muddy weeds of the swamp, and
groped for the fallen finger-board.
He found it, and he read it; then he
must choose.
"It isn't fair, and I won't do it!"
He had made his choice; he would not
go back from it; but—"lt's pretty
hard to give up such a chance as that.
Would be harder for the fellow the
chauco belongs to, though!" He
sighed, then smiled. "I know well
enough what father would say—'lf
you are not quite sure it's right, you
may be pretty sure it's wrong'—i've
heard him say it many a time." He
started for Mr. Black's office again.
"He'll laugh at me for being silly,
but I can't help that."
"Hello, Philip!" There was Mark
Appletou, with more advice, no
doubt. "Kuow what I'm here for?"
Mark asked complacently.
"No."
"To apply for the Drew assign
ment. If you can't reach what you
want, ask for it."
"You won't get it. It isn't your
turn, you know."
"It's auybody's turn that can get
it, my friend. If I can get it by ask
ing, so much the better for me. If
Warner's too green to ask for it, so
much the worse for him."
"Is that fair? It wouid go to
Warner without asking, if nobody
interfered. And you know as well as
I do how much he needs it."
"You're pretty green yet, little one.
The survival of the fittest, you know.
That's business."
"Is it? Thou I'm all right, for I've
got that assignment. Mr. Black gave
it to me not fifteen minutes ago."
Mark gasped, turned pale, then red,
and was speechless with consternation
for the space of half a minute.
"Wha-a-a-t!" he stammered then.
"Yon—you don't say you've been
mean enough to take it! What right
have you to it? The last one taken
on, and you go cutting in ahead of all
the men that have been here for years!
Talk about mean things! I didn't
think you'd play such a trick on ine,
anyhow, after all I've done for you!"
"Oh, I dou't kuow." Phil had a
malicious pleasure in the miserable
logic of the situation. " 'The prize
is there for whoever can take it,' you
know. 'Never mind about the other
fellows. The place ahead of you is
yours if you can get it.' 'After you
get success there won't be any ques
tions asked.' 'lf you can't get close
up to the baud ' "
"Oh, shut up! You've played a
moan trick ou a Irieud, and that's all
there is of it. I trusted you, and you
went back on me."
"Yon? What right had you to it?
But there; it is a mean thing to take
another fellow's salary—l mean chauce
—just because you can; it would be
just as honest to take his pocketbook.
I was just going in to tell Mr. Black
that I wouldn't have the job.
on."
Wondering whether anybody could
be such a fool as Phil Everett made
himself out to be, but determined to
make the most of his foolishness,
Mark followed him into the private
office.
"Mr. Black." Phil looked straight
into the manager's eyes and spoke out
bravely. "I've thought it over about
that assignment and I've deeided not
to keep it."
" ust as yon please," Mr. Black
sai.. indifferently. "But what's the
matter? Why won't you keep it?"
He glanced suspiciously at Mark.
"Well, I can't make out that it be
longs to me. I can make it sound all
right, but somehow I can't make it
feel right."
This time Mr. Black smiled, the
same queer smile. Mark opened his
mouth to speak, but Phil gave him no
chance.
"You gave the chance to mo, Mr.
Black, and I give it back to" —he
paused tho fraction of a second. It
was Mark that smiled this time; Mr.
Black was scowling—"to John War
ner. It really belongs to him."
Mr. Black unconsciously drew a
long breath.
"Warner shall have it," ho said, in
his usual busiuess tone. Then he
surprised Phil by suddenly shaking
hunds with him. "You've come
through it well," he said cordially.
"Hasn't he, Appletou?"
But Appletou had not waited to an
swer auy questions.
"It will do your father a lot of good
when he kuows about it," said Mr. I
Black, still holding the young fellow's
hand.
"Father? Oh, he won't know any
thing about it," Phil said in a half
wistful, half shamed tone.
"Won't he?" Mr. Black laughed
out. "Well, perhaps. He was will
ing that I should make the test, but
he told me just how it would turn out.
He was sure that his boy would come
to no real harm—yet. How go back
to your work, and after this—well,
suoh a father as yours is just about
tho best adviser a young fellow oau
have."
LYDDITE .IS A FEARSOME THINC.
The DeatructiTe Explosive Which Gieat
Britain Is Using in Africa.
General Joubert has protested to
General White against the use of lyd
dite, on the ground that its use is a
barbarism, intolerable in "civilized"
warfare.
Lyddite is made by treating carbolic
with nitric acid. It is therefore picric
acid. But picric acid is so enormous
ly explosive in its impulses as to be
incapable of use or even of safe han
dling. In the manufacture of lyddite
picric acid is subjected to a secret
process which renders it as safe to
haudle as ordinary gunpowder with
out iu the le'ast impairing its terrific
explosive force.
Lyddite is the most destructive ex
plosive that can be handled with safety
by its user. Ounce for ounce it is
from live to seven times more destruc
tive than nitro-glyceriue aud from
forty to fifty-six times more powerful
than tho best gunpowder.
It is safe to haudle, aud no other
high explosive is. It gives off no
sickening fumes. It cau be fired from
ordinary guns without danger of ex- j
plosion from concussion.
A shell full of lyddite thrown into a j
regiment produces the same effect as j
dynamite exploded in a stream full of |
fish—plus blood and mangling and the
sounds of creatures in anguish.—New
York World.
Teu Dollars for a "Strati!"
English conuoissours' of violins are
ju.it iIW discussing the reality of a
"Strad" which, it is alleged, lias beeu
rescued from the shop in the Midlands
of a pawnbroker who did not know its
value. According to the story, says
the London Daily Telegraph,an itine
rant musioiau was unable to pay his
bill at an inn in Wolverhampton aud
left his violin instead.
Tho landlord took it to a pawn
broker and raised a little money on it,
aud gave the owner the ticket, so that
he might redeem it when his services
were financially more appreciated
than up to then they apparently had
been. That consummation never ar-l
rived, aud as Boniface could play a
little he purchased the unredeemed
fiddle from the temporary holder for
§lO and played on it for his own
amusement. Everybody was struck
with its peculiarly rich tone, aud at
last, actiug on advice, he submitted it
to experts, who declared it to be a real
"Strad." Inside was found the in
scription, "Antonius Stradivarius,
1710." This romarkablo fiddle will
no doubt form tho subject of mauy
more aiscussious.
Had the Ticket in HI. 11 on til.
Tho spectacle of the absent-minded
man frantically goiug through his
pockets in a vain search for bis trans
fer ticket while that valuable sky-blue
document drooped gracefully beneath
his mustache was hugely enjoyed by
the passengers of an uptown ear tho
other evening. Even tho stolid con
ductor caught tho joke aud betrayed
an amount of patience which should
have aroused suspicion on the part of
tho victim. Finally, when the trans
fer threatened to be entirely de
molished, the conductor mildly indica
ted its locality to the embarrassment
of its owner aud the delight of bis fel
low travelers. Presently the absent
minded man reaohed bis corner, and
as he got to the rear be stuck his
head back into the door and fired a
parting shot at tho conductor; "Ta ta,
old boy. That's all right. The trans
fer was a week old, and I was just
chewing off the date." —New York
Commmorcial Advertiser.
Automobile Artillery.
It passes comprehension that we
should at this age ho using horses to
draw cannon when there was steam
artillery over 130 years ago. Tho
obstreperous, balky, stampeding mule
is used by Great Britain in the Trans
vaal war. Instead of sending hospi
tal ships, Lady Randolph Churchill
would cud the war sooner by provid
ing the conservative South Afrioan
"Brits" with a few automobiles capa
ble of climbiug mountains and draw
ing loads of 5000 pounds. We cau
make them.—New Ilork Presr
MAXIMS OF A MAGNATE.
WHILE COMPILING THEM HIS CON
SCIENCE HAS AN AWAKENING.
lie Didn't Want to Inspire Any Ottier
Farmer I.atl to Follow Ills Devious
l'atli to Wealth, So He Deellneil to
Write His Autobiography.
The millionaire aut at tlio writing
table in his library and reflectively
chewed the cud of a pen. He was
about to undertake tho lirst literary
labor of his lifo—an autobiographical
sketch which Ihe editor of a magazine
devoted to the edification of American
youth had asked him to contribute to
its pages. "Your notable achieve
ments in the field of commercial en
deavor," wrote the editor, "have
made your name a synonym of suc
cess. An account of the steps by
which you have reached your present
eminence cannot fail to be at once in
teresting, instructive and inspiring."
When you talk that way to a mill
ionaire, as a general thing, you have
got him.
There seemed no reason why there
should havo been any difficulty about
the matter. Yet he had been sitting
there for three-quarters of au hour
and the only word he had written was
"I."
As a jnatter of fact, this Bhining ex
ample, who had probably "made"
more dollars than any other man of
his age in the United States, had
never taken time to look baok and
consider the stages of his progress.
Apparently the procees was not a
pleasing one, for he was frowning
darkly at the heavy oriental window
hangings. At last he took the splint
ered pen from his mouth, dipped it in
the inkstand and wrote:
"I have always been guided by these
maxims.
"Get up enrly and keep busy.
"Dou't let a good thing get away from
you.
"Let the other fellow put up.
"Never get gay with the boss.
"Hold on to your coin and keep holding
on.
"You can't bo a good follow and do busi
ness both.
"Friends are all right, but look out for
them."
He leaned baok in his leather-up
holstered chair and read over what
he had written, then frowned again.
"They're all right, as far as I can
see," he said, "but somehow they aiu't
going to look well in print."
He rose and went over to where a
large unabridged dictionary was open
on its staud and made a number of
references. Then he returned to the
table and wrote:
"Rise oarly and let no part of tho day be
without Its profitable employment.
"Be alert to recognize opportunity and
quick to take advantage of It.
"Exerolse a prudent reserve In business
transactions.
"If employed, let your omployer And vou
polite, diligent and cheerful.
"Practice frugality—deny yourself all
forms of expensive entertainment and in
dulgence.
"Purely sentimontal considerations can
not bo allowed to Influence or govern busi
ness matters."
"That sounds a little better, though
it's about the same thing," said the
millionaire. "If any young man fol
lows those precepts lie can get rich if
he doesn't have bad look."
He began to bite his peu agaiu, for
the autobiography was beginning to
simmer intangibly in his brain. He
was fighting the battle over. A boy
on a farm at the beck and call of every
body, debarred from even ordinary
comforts and all advantages, shrewd
by nature, shifty by necessity, with
the parsimony of a miserly father
always before his eyes. The tardy
esoape from tho farm by the uu
mourued death of that father, his em
ployment in the village store. Then
years of persistent effort, crawling,
squirming, elbowing, saving, starving,
cheating, lying, passing from petty
fraud to bolder swindle, with ever
increasing gains, stifling every gener
ous impulse, overy noble emotion,
sacrificing love as well as he had long
since sacrificed honor, striving with
the fear of the law for the fear of the
Lord and finding his reward for it all
in what?
Ho looked around the room, and the
luxury that he saw seemed ou tho
whole a fairly satisfactory answer to
the question. Yet there must have
been some doubt about the matter,
for he began to think of other reasons
why it had beeu worth while. Among
them were some highly complimentary
references to his generosity from cer
tain well-known divines. There was
the memory of foes overborne and
trodden down; of competitors remorse
lessly crushed; of the adulation, the
unfeigned reverence of men; of this
letter, for instance.
He took up the letter and read it
over again. It was certainly flatter
ing. The mere fact that ho had been
asked to toll the public the story of
his life was flattering. And it showed
what the public wanted—-its great and
feverish desire—its idoal. It wanted
suocess and its fruition—dollars and
cents.
"Your notable achievements!"
They were certainably notable; the
cornering of staple products, the
watering of stocks, the manipulation
of markets, ruin to others, but each
"achievement" a step to "present
cmiucnoe."
"They can talk about their poets
and philosophers and their writers
aud painters and inventors," said the
millionaire to himself, smiling at the
frayed end of his pen. "They don't
amount to that compared to the man
who has got the stuff." He snapped
hi.s fingers to illustrate his comparison.
"They may amount to somothiug
about fifty years after they are dead,
but I can buy them all living," he re
sumed. Then he dipped the pen in
the ink again and wrote "I" aud
stopped.
"This ought to be easy," he said,
"but I'm blamed if I kuow whore to
start or what to say when I getstarted
—what the other fellows say, I sup
| pose, then chuck in tho maxims aud
let it go at tbat. Those people will
tell their rentiers about my praise
worthy industry and my wonderful
sagacity and my indomitable energy."
He laughed contemptuously and
took up the letter again. "What do
they mean by au 'inspiration?'" he
asked himself. "I wonder whether
reading what I write about myself
will make any boy beginning life
pattern himself after me. If I thought
so "
He became thoughtful and pressed
his pen into the blotting pad until ho
broke the nib. At last he raised his
list and brought it down ou the table
with a bang.
"I'll draw the line bore," he ex
claimed. "This is the jumping-oft
place. I ought to be able to afford to
quit this sort of thing."
Whereupon he folded up the pub
lisher's letter and, taking up the
carnelian and gold pen, wrote on it
for the instruction of his secretary:
"Nit."—Kennett F. Harris, in Chi
cago Record.
TOO GOOD AN ACTOR.
The Man Who Interrupted the .Speaker
Overdid Hie Part.
"I know I oughtn't to give this
away," said a New Orleans politician,
"but it's too good to keep. The other
day I happened to drop into the office
of one of our campaigu orators and
noticed the manuscript of a speech
which he proposed to deliver that
night lying on his desk. Without
thinking any harm I picked it up, and
in running my eye over the first few
pages was surprised to find the thread
of the argument interrupted here and
there by a 'voice from the audience,'
which asked impertinent questions.
In each instance a very pat answer
was written down, and I Paw at once
that a little comedy had been pre
pared in advance to show off the
orator's skill at repartee. I laid the
manuscript down and said nothing,
but that night I went out to the meet
ing to see the fun. Knowing exactly
where the first interruption was going
to occur I was on the alert when the
place in the speech was reached, and,
sure enough, up popped a tough
looking individual and flrod ofl
question No. 1. I must admit the
scene was well acted. When the
question was asked the audience
laughed aud then waited eagerly to
hear what the speaker would say. For
a moment he seemed embarrassed aud
disconcerted, and then, just as every
body thought he was completely cor
nered, he suddenly straightened up
and shot back a reply so apt and witty
that it turned the tables in a twink
ling. The effect wan electrical, and
tho whole house went wild. I snick
ered in my sleeve aud waited for in
terruption No. 2, which passed ofl
with equal eclat for the orator.
"lu fact, the scheme would have
beeu a great success if the interrupter
hadn't played his part too well. He
was so extremely natural aud gave
such a fine imitation of a hobo bent
ou breaking up a meeting that when
he started in the third time a big
policeman grabbed him by the neck
and put him under arrest. He tried
to protest, but it was no go, aud in
threo minutes he was on his way to
jail. After the meeting was over the !
orator hopped into a cab and hurried j
down to bail him out. I understand
he was pretty sick of his job, aud un-'
less a substitute can be found the rest ■
of my frieud's speech will probably i
be made without repartee trimmings."
Brakesman Was Disgusted.
An incident took place not over 100
miles from Coldwater not down ou the
time card. As No. 15 was pulling out
of the station a brakeman noticed a
woman running across the park toward
the train. Ho supposed she wanted
to get aboard and pulled the bell cord
and stopped the train. He jumped
off the car to assist the lady aboard,
but he had no more thau struck the
ground when a man jumped off be
hind him and ran toward the woman.
He beat the brakeman there, threw
his arms around the womau, kissed
her and ran back to the train. When
the brakeman recovered his senses aud
realized what had happened, he threw
his hands over his head and yelled in
a disgusted tone of voice, "Is that
all?" It was a case of whore a man
forgot to kiss his wife before leaving
home, and a littlo thing like holding
up a passenger train did not daunt
the woman. She wanted to be kissed
! goodby.—Coldwater Courier.
How Englishmen Regard America.
No one enu meet and tall; with the
English people anil not be thoroughly
convinced of their admiration and
friendslSp for Americans. They have
really au exaggerated idea of their
capabilities and achievements, and of
tho wealth and power of tho eo utry.
Uncle Sam has proved au equal match
in what John Bull considers tho great
est objects of life—making money and
winning battles. Ho now regards
America as one does a poor relation
who has come into a fortune. The
ties of kinship have suddenly become
strong. England fears but one danger
—a coalition of European powers.
Prance and Germany, or Itussia nud
France, might threaten bor supremacy.
"In that case"—l have heard this
said again aud again—"of course we
should expect tho United States to
como to our assistance aud tight by
our side.-"—Correspondence New York
Sun.
Studying AESsop in Central Africa*
Probably Hiisop is not so much read
in our own country as bo used to be,
but there Is a chance for him yet in
Central Africa. The report of the
Loudon Missionary Society relates
that at Kuwimbo au "JEsop class" is
conducted by tbe native teachers on
Sunday afternoons. "Sometimes,"
says the report, "the lessons they
draw are very good and helpful, and
contain more Christian teaching than
tho fables themselves would warrant."
—Birmingham (England) Tost.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Getting Down to Business —An Abortion
Refuted—Hla Suggestion—Tit For Tat
—Progress Practical Advice Pat's
Example—An Anecdote, Etc., Etc*
Iler eyes were rod, bor nose was black,
Who flung her arms in air;
She wildly waved her loved ones back,
And hurried here aud there.
The smoke and steam curled round her
head,
She rushed that way and this,
As if her souses all had fled
And thiugs were all amiss!
Anon across her nose she drew
Her sleeve and licked her thumbs,
And then, with little more ado,
Began preserving plums.
•—Chicago Times-llerald*
An Assertion Refute' l .
"Wadsleigh says hi \iever makes
mistakes."
"Hm—m! That's one of 'em."
Ills Suggestion.
She—"Very few people know how
to shake hands properly."
He—"Well, there are other forms
of greeting, you know."
Tit For Tat.
Cyclist—"l'm 'run down,* doctor •
Facetious Doctor—"Well, you've
run down a good many people in your
time, so it's only tit for tat."—Fun.
Progress.
Mamma—"The baby is learning to
pronounce the names of thiugs quite
distinctly."
Papa—"Yes; and in a command
ing tone."—Puck.
Practical Advice.
The Singer—"When I get encored
I shall bow like this."
The Pianist—"Oh, never mincl
that. Do practice something you will
have need to do."—Pick-Me-Up.
Pat's Example.
"What is a fraction?"
"A part of auythiug, sorr."
"Give an example."
"The sivinteenth of November."—
Melbourne (Australia) Weekly Times.
An Aviecdolo.
"William," said tho schoolmaster,
"you should alwuys dot your i's aud
cross your t's."
"And so I would, in sooth," replied
the youthful Shukespeare, gazing
doubtfully at his manuscript, "if I
eould tell which is which."—Puck.
Shukespeare Illustrated.
C
Ms
SOME ARE BORN GREAT;
SOME ACHIEVE GREATNESS;
AND SOME HAVE GREATNESS THRUST
UPON THEM.
—Life.
The Youngster's Concession. \
Little Charley—"Papa, will you
buy me a drum for a present?"
Pater—"Ah, but, my boy, you will
disturb me very much if I do."
Little Charlie—"Oh, no, papa! I
won't drum only when you are asleep."
Qood liileriiutlonal law. '
Jabbers —"I tell you, old man, it's
a terrible thing when your wife quar
rels with her mother and the old lady
lives with you. Which side do you
take?"
Havers—"Noither. I preserve an
alnrmod neutrality."—Harper's Bazar,
Ilia Last mtd Convincing; Argument.
Canvasser —"I have here a
work "
Master of the House—"l can't
read."
Canvasser-"But your children "
Master of the House (triumphantly)
—"I have no ohildren; nothing but a
cat."
Canvasser—"Well, you want some
thing to throw at the cat,"
He took the book.