Selections THE FIRST JOKES. Do You Know Which the Original Eleven Ones Were? Miss Agnes ItiUer, lecturing uu "The Mlsuiou of Iluuior" nt the Colony ' club, New York, said she had been In formed that there were eleven original jokes lu the world. After she had said - her allotted say Mr. Joseph II. Choate arose and, gallant as ever, remarked that he was now sure there were twenty-two original Jokes. Any man or wo man who produces eleven original lokes In a lecture Is a world wonder. With all due respect V Miss Repplier, we are Inclined to think that Mr. Choate was too amiable and too recep tive. What are these eleven original, fun damental, basle Jokes, not made for a parish or an occasion, necessarily hu man and universal? Look over the comic weeklies from the beginning of Punch and you will find the same lines of humorous thought, endless repeti tions of a fool born Jest, ponderous elaboration of a trllle, changes of- an old Idea to suit time and place. The old Jest books Joe Miller's, and, before his, Poggltt and Bacon show how our predecessors anticipated us. Plutarch's "Morals" is full of Jests and Jocose anecdotes that are now fondly thought contemporaneous. Turn to his "Apo thegms or Remarkable Sayings of Kings and Great Commanders" and you find this quip: A prating barber asked Archelaus how he would be trlmthed. Archelaus answered, "In ellence." Read "The Banquet of the Seven Wise Men," Englished by Roger Davis, A. M., and there a sage Is thus reported: "In this mistake, however, I'm much of the youth's mlud who, throwing a stone at a dog, hit his step mother, adding, 'My throw is not lost, however.' " The favorite Jokes In this country have been for years lvcJ on the mother-in-law, the fanner and the summer boarder, the city boarding house, spring cleaning (and the stovepipe play ed an Important part) and the greedy goat The mother-in-law was naturally the victim of the first Jocose son-in-law, while there could be no. Joke about the stovepipe before the existence of the pipe. There Is the cannibal mis sionary Joke that has done yeoman's service, but It cannot be older than the appearance of the first missionary. What are the primeval eleven Jokes? One of the oldest known to us begins "Old Noah, he bad three sons, Sbem, Ham and Japheth," but there must have been Jokes before the flood. What were the eleven that were preserved In the ark? No doubt the gag about the elephant bringing bis trunk was coined by some Irreverent looker on who saw In the embarkation only food for mirth. Death by drowning was too good for him. But what Jokes did Noah and his sons take with them for daily recreation.? We can be sure of only one the mother-in-law Jest. Will not Miss Repplier tell to the world the other tent Boston Herald. The Stiletto In Italy. "The reign of the kulfe and the sti letto, which has been unquestioned In Italy for centuries," Bays the Rome cor respondent of a Berlin paper, "is to be brought to an end. For generations It has been the custom to carry a knife, and those men In the lower walks who had no knife carried a sharpened unll or file to be used on the slightest prov ocation. The wine is heavy, the blood of the people is hot, their power of self control small. Is It a wonder, then, that, with the murderous Instrument always at hand, there should be so many fatal encounters? But the law makers have at last discovered that the morals of the whole nation have been Influenced for the bad by the knife carrying custom, and laws will be passed similar to those now in force In some parts of the United States of America making it a crime to carry a deadly weapon." A Fling at the French Army. General Langlols, a distinguished of ficer of the French army, has aroused much uneasiness among his country men by asserting that the morale and discipline of the military forces of France are in an alarming state of de generation. All the military enthusi asm of Napoleon's day, he remarks, has evaporated, patriotism Is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, and the military organization of the republic, once so removed from sordid Influences, Is controlled even In the minutest de tails by politics and politicians. Pro motions, furloughs, permits to men In the lowest ranks of the army to marry, says General Langlols, are all subject to the control of civil magistrates In each prefecture, the results being com BIRDS' TONGUES. Why the Parrot Is Able to I mi tote Hu man 8peeoh. One of the government naturalists at Washington has recently gathered some fresh information concerning the tongues of birds. - Many people suppose that woodpeck ers use their sharp pointed tongues us darts with which to transfix their prey. It Is true that the woodpecker, like the humming bird, can dart out its tongue with astonishing rapidity and that Its mouth is furnished with an elaborate mechanism for this purpose, yet, according to the authority men tioned, Investigation shows that the object of this swift motion is only to catch the prey, not to pierce It For the purpose of holding the captured victim the woodpecker's tongue Is fur nished with a sticky secretion. Considering Its powers of Imitating speech. It Is not surprising to learn that the parrot's tongue resembles that of man more closely than any other bird's. It Is not because the parrot Is more Intelligent than the other birds, but because Its tongue Is better suited for articulation than theirs, that It Is able to amuse us with Its mimicry. The humming bird's tongue Is In some respects the most remarkable of all. It Is double nearly from end to end, so that the 'little bird is able to grasp Its Insect prey with Its tongue much as If Its mouth was furnished with a pair of fingers. Chicago Record-Herald. THE ANT EATER. Fight Harmless Animal That Will Hard When at Bay. A peculiar looking animal Is tin ant eater, which Is closely allied to tha eMMi fntnllv Tfa Itonil la llrnwil plete anarchy and disorganization In I out lnt(J a loug tubulnr muzzle at tll0 I end of which is a tiny mouth just big enough to permit the exit of Its long, I wormllke tongue, which Is covered the army. He Got Homesick. When Ruben Dario, the new Nlen raguan minister to Spain, arrived in New York recently on his way to his with a sticky saliva. This tongue is thrust among the greatness of the American metropolis surprised him. Then it actually over awed him,' and he became afflicted with that yearning for home that Is commonly known as homesickness. When Senor Darlo sailed for Madrid his secretary was not with him. He Informed the minister that he feared to go farther away from Nicaragua, and, the yearning for home overmas tering the ambition for diplomatic hon ors, he returned there "pronto." new post he brought with him from j hosts of ants with great rapidity, com Nicaragua a young man as his secre- I nS back laden with the tiny insec s. tary. The latter had never been so far To obtaln ,ts th!ant f,atter break9 away from Managua and at first the I , , ' " L L u . lULiuuiliiuis Bwuriu lu me ulchuu nuu are Instantaneously swept away by the remorseless tongue. v The jaws of the ant eater are entire ly without teeth, and the eyes and ears are very small. . There are several species of ant eat er, the largest kind being about four feet long and having a tall covered with very long hair, forming a huge brush. The claw on the third toe of each fore limb is of great size and Is used for breaking open ants' and other r ti. ' i ,nsects' nests, mi. i . r",an 7r,f ' ,,, Generally speaking, the nnt eater is The latest story of German "thrift" . , . , ,, . ?' . . .,, ., ... ... ... , . a harmless animal, but at times when is toia at we expense or tne proprietor j ftt b ,,. wU, fight with great couiy of a circulating library, which charged i h(n , and TeV tnA XPtnr n n1 toni niiffarod ltlu ' at o nf h.. -f m. hugging Its foe with its powerful arms. On a vnim m hM, hi. i' -London Express. "See here," he exclaimed, "there Is a hole on page 19 of my beautiful book. And see here," he went on, turning over the leaf, "there Is another on page 20." THE SUN A PUZZLE. WE HAVE A FEW EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD VALUES IN RUGS, ROOM SIZE, LEFT, WHICH WE ARE GOING TO SELL AT A REDUCTION. Also a lot of INGRAIN CARPET will be sold at a bargain We have also bargains in REED GO-CARTS that we are going to close out. Give us a call and be convinced that we are of fering bargains. J. R. HILLIS & COM'Y The Perfumed Cloud. The dentist's sleeve was smeared with a pale dust. lie beat It with bis palm, and a perfumed cloud arose. "Makeup," he said, laughing, "the ' day's usual harvest of makeup. Why the deuce, to front the fierce white light of a dental chair, will women come to me with makeup plastered thick on their pretty faces? They all, or nearly all, do It Their Hps are red dened, their brows penciled, their cheeks rouged, and In a few cases the tiny network of veins In the temples is outlined In blue. Pegging away at their teeth, I mop up all that makeup on my coat sleeve. I smear red over white noses, black over pink cheeks. Tliew! Look out!" And, brushing his cuff again, be leaped back to escape the sweet smell ing cloud that filled the air. Ex change. Difficult Feats. ' "Here are some extracts from a few modern popular novels," said an au thor as he took down a scrap book. Then he read: , " 'The worthy pastor appeared at the manse door, his hands thrust deep In the pockets of his loose Jacket, while he turned the leaves of his prayer book thoughtfully and wiped his glasses with a distraught air.' " 'After the door was closed a stealthy foot slipped into the room and with cautious band extinguished the light' " 'FItzgibbon lingered over his final lemonade, when a gentle voice tapped him on the shoulder, and, turning, he beheld his old friend once again.' ." The chariot of revolution Is rolling onward, gnashing Its teeth as it rolls.' " Washington Star. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD NIAGARA FALLS AND RETURN Saturday, August 8, 1908 Excursion Tickets good to return on regular trains until; Aug. inclusive, willjae sold at the following low rates : Regular trains leave ':iiH Bute a. m. East Liberty .9.10 l.?0 p. m. 11.10 p. m. tr.00 Oakmont .4i 10.50 a. m. 9.35 p. m. 4.75 New Reusing 9. uo 11.14 a.m. 9.52 p. m. 4.50 Arnold 9.02 fll.lda.m. fl.54 p. m. 450 Klskimin. Jc.9.51 11.87 a. m. 10 ID p. m. 4 (HI Ford City . . . .9.54 12.06 p. in. fl2.07 a. m. 4 50 hlttannlng..l014 2.17 p.m. 12.16a,. m. 4.50 Red Bank. ...10. 7 2.47 p. m. 12.4H a. m. 4 25 East Brady. .10.57 12.68 a. m. 4.25 "f" flops ou aignal or notice lo Agent. Regular tralni leave , a. m . Parker.... 11.21 a. m. ... f 1.21 Poxliurg... 11.28 a. m fl.2H Emlenton. II Ma m. f3.25p.tn, 1 35 New Betble'm 9.17 Kummervllle... H.49 Hrookvllle 8.35 Keynoldsvllle MM Kails Creek. ., .. fflS cu duib. ........ ....... ... ,. ,, ..J,t) Bute 11.25 25 4.25 4 SO 450 4.50 4.50 4.50 4.50 Electric Railway from the Falls 4. to the Whirlpool J. R. WOOD Passenger Traffic Manager GEO. W. BOYD ' General Passenger Agent Greedy Little Salmon. . Little creatures may be very greedy and yet not be able to eat much be cause of their size, as was- Illustrated, for Instance, In the case of a batch of about 20,000 little Chinook salmon that were hatched out ajt the aquarium, these young fishes, each about two Inches long, would eat so much that their little stomachs fairly stuck out. and yet to feed the whole 20.000 took dally only one pound of liver and a quart of herring "roe, both chopped fine. New York Sun. An Exception. "I think," said the merchant, "I'll have to fire your friend Polk. I never saw any one quite so lazy." "Slow In everything, Is he?" "No, not everything. He gets tired quick enough." Exchange. Easy Enough, "I cannot live but a week longer wlzout youT' "Really, dukel Now, bow can you fix on a specific length of time ?" "Ze landlord fix on It, miss, aot I." Louisville Courier-Journal We See Only the Outer Shells of the Great Blazing Orb. The greut ball of Are which we call the sun la not really the sun. No one has ever seen the sun. A series of concentric shells envelops a nucleus of which we know absolutely nothing ex cept tlint It must be almost Infinitely hotter than the fiercest furnace ami that It must uuiount to more than ulue tenths of the solar mass. That uucleus Is the real sun, forever hidden from us. The outermost of the enveloping shells Is about 5,000 miles thick and Is called the chromosphere. It Is a gnseous fluid, tinted with the scarlet glare of hydrogen, and so furi ously active that It spurts up great tongues of glowing gas (prominences) to the height of thousands of miles. Time was when this agitated sea of crimson Are could be seen to advantage only during an eclipse. Now special in struments are used which enable as tronomers to study It in the full glare of the' sun. Beyond the chromosphere, far beyond the prominences even, lies the nebulous pallid corona visible only during the vanishing moments of a total eclipse, aggregating not more than seven days In a century. No one has ever satisfactorily ex plained how the highly attenuated matter composing both the promi nences aud the corona Is supported without falling back Into the sun un der the pull of solar gravitation. Now that Arrheulus has cosmlcally applied the effeviS of light pressure a solutlou Is presented. How difficult It Is to account for such delicate streamers as the promi nences on the sun Is better compre hended when we fully understand how relentlessly powerful is the grip of solar gravitation. If the sun were a habitable globe and you could transport yourself to Its surface, you would find yourself pulled down so forcibly by gravitation that you would weigh two tons, assuming that you are an ordinary human being. Your clothing alone would weigh more than a hundred pounds. Baseball could be played In a solar drawing room, for there would be some dilU culty In throwing a bnll more than thirty feet Tennis would be degraded to a form of outdoor plngpong. From these considerations It Is plain that gravitation on the sun would tend to prevent the formation of any lam bent streamers and to pull down to Its surface masses of any size. Harper's Magazine. Their Knowledge. "I's been a slnnahl" vouchsafed a recently converted brother during an experience meeting In Ebenezer chap el. "A heen-yus, lowdown, contami nated slnnah for, lo, dese many yeabs and never knowed It!" "Don' let dat molest yo', Bruddcr Newcome," spoke up a sympathetically Inclined deacon.; "De rest of us know ed It nil de time." Puck. The Prize Puppy. Miss Gaddle Yes, May Roxley Is Just as mad at her father as she can be. There was a little puppy with a great pedigree that she wanted him to buy for her, and he wouldn't do It. Miss Ascuin What was It, a French count or a German baron? Catholic Standard and Times. Dog Days. ' Tbla Is the season of the year when tbe dog tUr ragoth. Slrius ''that coiner more near the earth than Is his want and makes men mad," is the principal star in the constellation Cants Major (the big dog). It may be thut be Is wrongly blamed, but somehow or other crime and cussed ness seem to cut loose at this season. Perhaps it Is only tbe calorlo In the atmosphere, and perhaps tbere are peculiar chemical conditions that arouse the sleeping devil In a man and make him do unheard of things. It is well to beware, and If you feel an attack of diabollcistn coming on, go lie down and sleep It off. Exchange. , . Lingenfelter and Wells Reunion. The fifth annual reunion and basket picnic of tbe Lingenfelter and Wells families will be held on Wednesday, September 2nd, day and evening. All relatives and tbt ir friends are cordially Invited to attend. Committee. Corsets. Another lot of those 50c corsets with hose supporter attached. All sizes at 39a. Gillespies. Men's Walk Overoxforda 14.00 now 13 00 at Adam's. Don't wait; now .is tbe lime to buy low shoes cheap at Adam's. Want Column. Ratei: One cent per word for each and evorvlnsertlon. For sale Houses, lots and fartus. In quire E. Neff, Esq., Reynoldsvllle, Pa. For Sale High-grade white leg horn kr.d Barred Plymouth Rock Cockerals from best laying strain Maplewood Bte and Poultry Farm. E. A. Hull and Geo. H. Pea. - A. W. CHASE'S QCn CATARRH POWDER LObi sent direct to the diseased parts by the improved Blower, clemis tne ulcers, clears the air pasMfres, etoisdmppinars in the throat and permanently cures Catarrh and Hay Fever. No harmful druira. 2fc blower free: all dealers or Dr. A. W. C.uuttUttdieiiuiCa., ttuJTiila, N.V. For sale by Stoke & Feicht Drug Co. 3 DR ift' .l!rl Vsjai f . k I . Gold and Silver Mounted Umbrellas, Watches, Jew elry, Cut Glass, Silverware, Lockets and Chains, Bracelets (all kind9 and sizes),' Phonographs and Records. All goods new and up-to-date at prices to suit everybody. We engrave all goods free when purchased at 0 GOODER'S JEWELRY "STORE In tbe Pennies National Rank - Building Reynoldsvllle', Pa, We pay particular (Mention to Wulch Repairing. THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED BANK IN THE COUNTY The Peoples National Bank REYNOLDSVILLE, PA. Capital and Surplus $125,000.00. Resources $500,000.00. THE PEOPLES NATIONAL HANK In Reynoldsvllle I well Drepured to trnnsiict nil branches of domestic and foreign banklni, and sollclfs the accounts of firms, corporations and Individuals, promising courteous consideration and as liberal terms as are consistent wltli prudent blink ing. Has a Havings Department, In which Interest Is paid every six months and deposits are subject to a liberal withdrawal privilege. Qfflcors: W. B. Alexander, President. F. D. ?mlth and August Haul. Y dauf, Vice-Presidents. F. K. Alexunder, Cashier. F. P. Alexander. Asslstunt Cashier. TVrectorsi W. B. Alexander, L. P. Beeley, F. D. Smith. D. L, Taylor, , August Haldatif, Amos Strouse, W. O. Murray, Dr. J. O. Savers. ' W. Harry Moore, James H. Spry and John O'Hare. OPEN SATURDAY EVENINGS. THE PEOPLES BANK BUILDING. The First National Bank OF REYNOLDSVILLE. Capital and Surplus $ 1 75,000.00 Resources . . $550,000.00 John H. Kadoher, Pres. John II. Kaucher Henry O. Delble - OFFICERS J. 0. Kino, Vlce-Pres. K. C. Bohockebs, Cashier DIRECTORS J.O.King Daniel Nolan J. c. Hammond John H. Gorbett K. H. Wilson Every Accommodation Consistent with Careful Banking Of Course, You Want the Best ! ThlB Is why the people all ask -for NATURE'S HERBS; for they soon find out that it la the greatest blood cleanser and health builder In the world, also the mildest and pleasanteat laxative on the market to-day. By taking NATURE'S HERBS Your bloodill become pure; your heart can do Its work naturally (and not be overtaxed pumping Impure blood through your veins), and you will stand tbe hot weather arid feel croud; your vitality and strength will increase 00 per cent, and in place of fee)ing depressed and weak you will feel strong and full of vitality. STOKE & FEICHT DBUG CO. are tbe only ones that sell Nature's Herba In Reynoldtville. You will alwaya find it tbere when you call. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD Sixteen Day Excursions $io or $12 to $i2:or $14 to ATLANTIC CITY, CAPE MAY Anglesea, Wlldwood, Holly Beach, Ocean City, Sea Isle City, Avalon, N. J., Rehoboth, Del., and Ocean City, Md, ASBURY PARK, LONG BRANCH West End, Elberon, Deal Beach, Allc nhurst, North Ag bury Park, Ocean Grove, Bradley 13 each, Avon, Belmar, Como, Spring Lake, Sea Girt, Manasquan, Brlelle, Point Pleasant, and Bay Head, N. I. Ticketa at the lower rate good only in coachea. Ticketa at the higher rate good i c in parlor or sleeping cars In connection with projer Pullman tic t eta. August 6 and 20, and Sept. 3, 1908. Train leaves Reynoldsville 4:25 p. m." Ticketa goad for passage on trainslcaving Pittsburg at 8.50 p. m. and 10.45 p. tbe latter train carrying Pullman sleeping cara only to Philadelphia and through to Atlantic City, atd their connectlora goinp, and all regular trains returnlrg within sixteen daya. For atop-over privileges and full information consult nearest ticket Agent. J. R. WOOD, Passenger Traffic Manager. GEO. W. BOYD, General Passenger Agent. The Star's Want Column never fails to bring results f
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers