Selections
THE FIRST JOKES.
Do You Know Which the Original
Eleven Ones Were?
Miss Agnes ItiUer, lecturing uu
"The Mlsuiou of Iluuior" nt the Colony
' club, New York, said she had been In
formed that there were eleven original
jokes lu the world. After she had said
- her allotted say Mr. Joseph II. Choate
arose and, gallant as ever, remarked
that he was now sure there were twenty-two
original Jokes. Any man or wo
man who produces eleven original
lokes In a lecture Is a world wonder.
With all due respect V Miss Repplier,
we are Inclined to think that Mr.
Choate was too amiable and too recep
tive. What are these eleven original, fun
damental, basle Jokes, not made for a
parish or an occasion, necessarily hu
man and universal? Look over the
comic weeklies from the beginning of
Punch and you will find the same lines
of humorous thought, endless repeti
tions of a fool born Jest, ponderous
elaboration of a trllle, changes of- an
old Idea to suit time and place. The
old Jest books Joe Miller's, and, before
his, Poggltt and Bacon show how our
predecessors anticipated us. Plutarch's
"Morals" is full of Jests and Jocose
anecdotes that are now fondly thought
contemporaneous. Turn to his "Apo
thegms or Remarkable Sayings of
Kings and Great Commanders" and
you find this quip: A prating barber
asked Archelaus how he would be
trlmthed. Archelaus answered, "In
ellence." Read "The Banquet of the
Seven Wise Men," Englished by Roger
Davis, A. M., and there a sage Is thus
reported: "In this mistake, however,
I'm much of the youth's mlud who,
throwing a stone at a dog, hit his step
mother, adding, 'My throw is not lost,
however.' "
The favorite Jokes In this country
have been for years lvcJ on the mother-in-law,
the fanner and the summer
boarder, the city boarding house,
spring cleaning (and the stovepipe play
ed an Important part) and the greedy
goat The mother-in-law was naturally
the victim of the first Jocose son-in-law,
while there could be no. Joke about
the stovepipe before the existence of
the pipe. There Is the cannibal mis
sionary Joke that has done yeoman's
service, but It cannot be older than the
appearance of the first missionary.
What are the primeval eleven Jokes?
One of the oldest known to us begins
"Old Noah, he bad three sons, Sbem,
Ham and Japheth," but there must
have been Jokes before the flood. What
were the eleven that were preserved
In the ark? No doubt the gag about
the elephant bringing bis trunk was
coined by some Irreverent looker on
who saw In the embarkation only food
for mirth. Death by drowning was too
good for him. But what Jokes did Noah
and his sons take with them for daily
recreation.? We can be sure of only
one the mother-in-law Jest. Will not
Miss Repplier tell to the world the
other tent Boston Herald.
The Stiletto In Italy.
"The reign of the kulfe and the sti
letto, which has been unquestioned In
Italy for centuries," Bays the Rome cor
respondent of a Berlin paper, "is to be
brought to an end. For generations It
has been the custom to carry a knife,
and those men In the lower walks who
had no knife carried a sharpened unll
or file to be used on the slightest prov
ocation. The wine is heavy, the blood
of the people is hot, their power of self
control small. Is It a wonder, then,
that, with the murderous Instrument
always at hand, there should be so
many fatal encounters? But the law
makers have at last discovered that
the morals of the whole nation have
been Influenced for the bad by the
knife carrying custom, and laws will
be passed similar to those now in force
In some parts of the United States of
America making it a crime to carry a
deadly weapon."
A Fling at the French Army.
General Langlols, a distinguished of
ficer of the French army, has aroused
much uneasiness among his country
men by asserting that the morale and
discipline of the military forces of
France are in an alarming state of de
generation. All the military enthusi
asm of Napoleon's day, he remarks,
has evaporated, patriotism Is rapidly
becoming a thing of the past, and the
military organization of the republic,
once so removed from sordid Influences,
Is controlled even In the minutest de
tails by politics and politicians. Pro
motions, furloughs, permits to men In
the lowest ranks of the army to marry,
says General Langlols, are all subject
to the control of civil magistrates In
each prefecture, the results being com
BIRDS' TONGUES.
Why the Parrot Is Able to I mi tote Hu
man 8peeoh.
One of the government naturalists
at Washington has recently gathered
some fresh information concerning the
tongues of birds. -
Many people suppose that woodpeck
ers use their sharp pointed tongues us
darts with which to transfix their
prey. It Is true that the woodpecker,
like the humming bird, can dart out its
tongue with astonishing rapidity and
that Its mouth is furnished with an
elaborate mechanism for this purpose,
yet, according to the authority men
tioned, Investigation shows that the
object of this swift motion is only to
catch the prey, not to pierce It For
the purpose of holding the captured
victim the woodpecker's tongue Is fur
nished with a sticky secretion.
Considering Its powers of Imitating
speech. It Is not surprising to learn
that the parrot's tongue resembles that
of man more closely than any other
bird's. It Is not because the parrot Is
more Intelligent than the other birds,
but because Its tongue Is better suited
for articulation than theirs, that It Is
able to amuse us with Its mimicry.
The humming bird's tongue Is In
some respects the most remarkable of
all. It Is double nearly from end to
end, so that the 'little bird is able to
grasp Its Insect prey with Its tongue
much as If Its mouth was furnished
with a pair of fingers. Chicago Record-Herald.
THE ANT EATER.
Fight
Harmless Animal That Will
Hard When at Bay.
A peculiar looking animal Is tin
ant eater, which Is closely allied to
tha eMMi fntnllv Tfa Itonil la llrnwil
plete anarchy and disorganization In I out lnt(J a loug tubulnr muzzle at tll0
I end of which is a tiny mouth just big
enough to permit the exit of Its long,
I wormllke tongue, which Is covered
the army.
He Got Homesick.
When Ruben Dario, the new Nlen
raguan minister to Spain, arrived in
New York recently on his way to his
with a sticky saliva.
This tongue is thrust among the
greatness of the American metropolis
surprised him. Then it actually over
awed him,' and he became afflicted
with that yearning for home that Is
commonly known as homesickness.
When Senor Darlo sailed for Madrid
his secretary was not with him. He
Informed the minister that he feared
to go farther away from Nicaragua,
and, the yearning for home overmas
tering the ambition for diplomatic hon
ors, he returned there "pronto."
new post he brought with him from j hosts of ants with great rapidity, com
Nicaragua a young man as his secre- I nS back laden with the tiny insec s.
tary. The latter had never been so far To obtaln ,ts th!ant f,atter break9
away from Managua and at first the I , , ' " L L u .
lULiuuiliiuis Bwuriu lu me ulchuu nuu
are Instantaneously swept away by the
remorseless tongue. v
The jaws of the ant eater are entire
ly without teeth, and the eyes and
ears are very small.
. There are several species of ant eat
er, the largest kind being about four
feet long and having a tall covered
with very long hair, forming a huge
brush. The claw on the third toe of
each fore limb is of great size and Is
used for breaking open ants' and other
r ti. ' i ,nsects' nests,
mi. i . r",an 7r,f ' ,,, Generally speaking, the nnt eater is
The latest story of German "thrift" . , . , ,, . ?' . . .,, .,
... ... ... , . a harmless animal, but at times when
is toia at we expense or tne proprietor j ftt b ,,. wU,
fight with great couiy
of a circulating library, which charged i h(n , and
TeV tnA XPtnr n n1 toni niiffarod ltlu ' at o
nf h.. -f m. hugging Its foe with its powerful arms.
On a vnim m hM, hi. i' -London Express.
"See here," he exclaimed, "there Is a
hole on page 19 of my beautiful book.
And see here," he went on, turning
over the leaf, "there Is another on
page 20."
THE SUN A PUZZLE.
WE HAVE A FEW EXCEPTIONALLY
GOOD VALUES IN RUGS, ROOM
SIZE, LEFT, WHICH WE ARE GOING
TO SELL AT A REDUCTION.
Also a lot of INGRAIN CARPET will be sold at
a bargain
We have also bargains in REED GO-CARTS
that we are going to close out.
Give us a call and be convinced that we are of
fering bargains.
J. R. HILLIS & COM'Y
The Perfumed Cloud.
The dentist's sleeve was smeared
with a pale dust. lie beat It with bis
palm, and a perfumed cloud arose.
"Makeup," he said, laughing, "the
' day's usual harvest of makeup. Why
the deuce, to front the fierce white
light of a dental chair, will women
come to me with makeup plastered
thick on their pretty faces? They all,
or nearly all, do It Their Hps are red
dened, their brows penciled, their
cheeks rouged, and In a few cases the
tiny network of veins In the temples is
outlined In blue. Pegging away at
their teeth, I mop up all that makeup
on my coat sleeve. I smear red over
white noses, black over pink cheeks.
Tliew! Look out!"
And, brushing his cuff again, be
leaped back to escape the sweet smell
ing cloud that filled the air. Ex
change. Difficult Feats. '
"Here are some extracts from a few
modern popular novels," said an au
thor as he took down a scrap book.
Then he read:
, " 'The worthy pastor appeared at the
manse door, his hands thrust deep In
the pockets of his loose Jacket, while
he turned the leaves of his prayer book
thoughtfully and wiped his glasses
with a distraught air.'
" 'After the door was closed a
stealthy foot slipped into the room and
with cautious band extinguished the
light'
" 'FItzgibbon lingered over his final
lemonade, when a gentle voice tapped
him on the shoulder, and, turning, he
beheld his old friend once again.'
." The chariot of revolution Is rolling
onward, gnashing Its teeth as it rolls.' "
Washington Star.
PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD
NIAGARA FALLS
AND RETURN
Saturday, August 8, 1908
Excursion Tickets good to return on regular trains until; Aug.
inclusive, willjae sold at the following low rates :
Regular trains leave ':iiH Bute
a. m.
East Liberty .9.10 l.?0 p. m. 11.10 p. m. tr.00
Oakmont .4i 10.50 a. m. 9.35 p. m. 4.75
New Reusing 9. uo 11.14 a.m. 9.52 p. m. 4.50
Arnold 9.02 fll.lda.m. fl.54 p. m. 450
Klskimin. Jc.9.51 11.87 a. m. 10 ID p. m. 4 (HI
Ford City . . . .9.54 12.06 p. in. fl2.07 a. m. 4 50
hlttannlng..l014 2.17 p.m. 12.16a,. m. 4.50
Red Bank. ...10. 7 2.47 p. m. 12.4H a. m. 4 25
East Brady. .10.57 12.68 a. m. 4.25
"f" flops ou aignal or notice lo Agent.
Regular tralni leave
, a. m .
Parker.... 11.21 a. m. ... f 1.21
Poxliurg... 11.28 a. m fl.2H
Emlenton. II Ma m. f3.25p.tn, 1 35
New Betble'm 9.17
Kummervllle... H.49
Hrookvllle 8.35
Keynoldsvllle MM
Kails Creek. ., .. fflS
cu duib. ........ ....... ... ,. ,, ..J,t)
Bute
11.25
25
4.25
4 SO
450
4.50
4.50
4.50
4.50
Electric Railway from the Falls 4. to the Whirlpool
J. R. WOOD
Passenger Traffic Manager
GEO. W. BOYD '
General Passenger Agent
Greedy Little Salmon.
. Little creatures may be very greedy
and yet not be able to eat much be
cause of their size, as was- Illustrated,
for Instance, In the case of a batch of
about 20,000 little Chinook salmon that
were hatched out ajt the aquarium,
these young fishes, each about two
Inches long, would eat so much that
their little stomachs fairly stuck out.
and yet to feed the whole 20.000 took
dally only one pound of liver and a
quart of herring "roe, both chopped
fine. New York Sun.
An Exception.
"I think," said the merchant, "I'll
have to fire your friend Polk. I never
saw any one quite so lazy."
"Slow In everything, Is he?"
"No, not everything. He gets tired
quick enough." Exchange.
Easy Enough,
"I cannot live but a week longer
wlzout youT'
"Really, dukel Now, bow can you
fix on a specific length of time ?"
"Ze landlord fix on It, miss, aot I."
Louisville Courier-Journal
We See Only the Outer Shells of the
Great Blazing Orb.
The greut ball of Are which we call
the sun la not really the sun. No one
has ever seen the sun. A series of
concentric shells envelops a nucleus of
which we know absolutely nothing ex
cept tlint It must be almost Infinitely
hotter than the fiercest furnace ami
that It must uuiount to more than ulue
tenths of the solar mass.
That uucleus Is the real sun, forever
hidden from us. The outermost of the
enveloping shells Is about 5,000 miles
thick and Is called the chromosphere.
It Is a gnseous fluid, tinted with the
scarlet glare of hydrogen, and so furi
ously active that It spurts up great
tongues of glowing gas (prominences)
to the height of thousands of miles.
Time was when this agitated sea of
crimson Are could be seen to advantage
only during an eclipse. Now special in
struments are used which enable as
tronomers to study It in the full glare
of the' sun.
Beyond the chromosphere, far beyond
the prominences even, lies the nebulous
pallid corona visible only during the
vanishing moments of a total eclipse,
aggregating not more than seven days
In a century.
No one has ever satisfactorily ex
plained how the highly attenuated
matter composing both the promi
nences aud the corona Is supported
without falling back Into the sun un
der the pull of solar gravitation. Now
that Arrheulus has cosmlcally applied
the effeviS of light pressure a solutlou
Is presented.
How difficult It Is to account for
such delicate streamers as the promi
nences on the sun Is better compre
hended when we fully understand how
relentlessly powerful is the grip of
solar gravitation.
If the sun were a habitable globe
and you could transport yourself to Its
surface, you would find yourself pulled
down so forcibly by gravitation that
you would weigh two tons, assuming
that you are an ordinary human being.
Your clothing alone would weigh
more than a hundred pounds. Baseball
could be played In a solar drawing
room, for there would be some dilU
culty In throwing a bnll more than
thirty feet
Tennis would be degraded to a form
of outdoor plngpong.
From these considerations It Is plain
that gravitation on the sun would tend
to prevent the formation of any lam
bent streamers and to pull down to Its
surface masses of any size. Harper's
Magazine.
Their Knowledge.
"I's been a slnnahl" vouchsafed a
recently converted brother during an
experience meeting In Ebenezer chap
el. "A heen-yus, lowdown, contami
nated slnnah for, lo, dese many yeabs
and never knowed It!"
"Don' let dat molest yo', Bruddcr
Newcome," spoke up a sympathetically
Inclined deacon.; "De rest of us know
ed It nil de time." Puck.
The Prize Puppy.
Miss Gaddle Yes, May Roxley Is
Just as mad at her father as she can
be. There was a little puppy with a
great pedigree that she wanted him to
buy for her, and he wouldn't do It.
Miss Ascuin What was It, a French
count or a German baron? Catholic
Standard and Times.
Dog Days. '
Tbla Is the season of the year when
tbe dog tUr ragoth. Slrius ''that
coiner more near the earth than Is
his want and makes men mad," is
the principal star in the constellation
Cants Major (the big dog). It may
be thut be Is wrongly blamed, but
somehow or other crime and cussed
ness seem to cut loose at this season.
Perhaps it Is only tbe calorlo In the
atmosphere, and perhaps tbere are
peculiar chemical conditions that
arouse the sleeping devil In a man and
make him do unheard of things. It
is well to beware, and If you feel an
attack of diabollcistn coming on, go
lie down and sleep It off. Exchange.
, . Lingenfelter and Wells Reunion.
The fifth annual reunion and basket
picnic of tbe Lingenfelter and Wells
families will be held on Wednesday,
September 2nd, day and evening. All
relatives and tbt ir friends are cordially
Invited to attend. Committee.
Corsets.
Another lot of those 50c corsets with
hose supporter attached. All sizes at
39a. Gillespies.
Men's Walk Overoxforda 14.00 now
13 00 at Adam's.
Don't wait; now .is tbe lime to buy
low shoes cheap at Adam's.
Want Column.
Ratei: One cent per word for each and
evorvlnsertlon.
For sale Houses, lots and fartus. In
quire E. Neff, Esq., Reynoldsvllle, Pa.
For Sale High-grade white leg
horn kr.d Barred Plymouth Rock
Cockerals from best laying strain
Maplewood Bte and Poultry Farm.
E. A. Hull and Geo. H. Pea. -
A. W. CHASE'S QCn
CATARRH POWDER LObi
sent direct to the diseased parts by the
improved Blower, clemis tne
ulcers, clears the air pasMfres,
etoisdmppinars in the throat and
permanently cures Catarrh and
Hay Fever. No harmful druira.
2fc blower free: all dealers or Dr. A.
W. C.uuttUttdieiiuiCa., ttuJTiila, N.V.
For sale by Stoke & Feicht Drug Co.
3 DR
ift' .l!rl Vsjai
f . k I .
Gold and Silver Mounted Umbrellas, Watches, Jew
elry, Cut Glass, Silverware, Lockets and Chains,
Bracelets (all kind9 and sizes),' Phonographs and
Records. All goods new and up-to-date at prices to
suit everybody. We engrave all goods free when
purchased at
0
GOODER'S
JEWELRY "STORE
In tbe Pennies National Rank -
Building
Reynoldsvllle', Pa,
We pay particular (Mention to Wulch Repairing.
THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED BANK IN THE COUNTY
The Peoples National Bank
REYNOLDSVILLE, PA.
Capital and Surplus $125,000.00. Resources $500,000.00.
THE PEOPLES NATIONAL HANK In Reynoldsvllle I well Drepured
to trnnsiict nil branches of domestic and foreign banklni, and sollclfs
the accounts of firms, corporations and Individuals, promising courteous
consideration and as liberal terms as are consistent wltli prudent blink
ing. Has a Havings Department, In which Interest Is paid every six
months and deposits are subject to a liberal withdrawal privilege.
Qfflcors: W. B. Alexander, President. F. D. ?mlth and August Haul.
Y dauf, Vice-Presidents. F. K. Alexunder, Cashier. F. P. Alexander.
Asslstunt Cashier.
TVrectorsi W. B. Alexander, L. P. Beeley, F. D. Smith. D. L, Taylor,
, August Haldatif, Amos Strouse, W. O. Murray, Dr. J. O. Savers. '
W. Harry Moore, James H. Spry and John O'Hare.
OPEN SATURDAY EVENINGS.
THE PEOPLES BANK BUILDING.
The First National Bank
OF REYNOLDSVILLE.
Capital and Surplus $ 1 75,000.00
Resources . . $550,000.00
John H. Kadoher, Pres.
John II. Kaucher
Henry O. Delble
- OFFICERS
J. 0. Kino, Vlce-Pres. K. C. Bohockebs, Cashier
DIRECTORS
J.O.King Daniel Nolan
J. c. Hammond
John H. Gorbett
K. H. Wilson
Every Accommodation Consistent with Careful Banking
Of Course, You Want the Best !
ThlB Is why the people all ask -for NATURE'S HERBS; for
they soon find out that it la the greatest blood cleanser and
health builder In the world, also the mildest and pleasanteat
laxative on the market to-day. By taking
NATURE'S HERBS
Your bloodill become pure; your heart can do Its work
naturally (and not be overtaxed pumping Impure blood through
your veins), and you will stand tbe hot weather arid feel croud;
your vitality and strength will increase 00 per cent, and in
place of fee)ing depressed and weak you will feel strong and
full of vitality. STOKE & FEICHT DBUG CO. are tbe
only ones that sell Nature's Herba In Reynoldtville. You will
alwaya find it tbere when you call.
PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD
Sixteen Day Excursions
$io or $12 to
$i2:or $14 to
ATLANTIC CITY, CAPE MAY
Anglesea, Wlldwood, Holly Beach, Ocean City, Sea Isle
City, Avalon, N. J., Rehoboth, Del., and Ocean City, Md,
ASBURY PARK, LONG BRANCH
West End, Elberon, Deal Beach, Allc nhurst, North Ag
bury Park, Ocean Grove, Bradley 13 each, Avon, Belmar,
Como, Spring Lake, Sea Girt, Manasquan, Brlelle, Point
Pleasant, and Bay Head, N. I.
Ticketa at the lower rate good only in coachea. Ticketa at the higher rate good
i c in parlor or sleeping cars In connection with projer Pullman tic t eta.
August 6 and 20, and Sept. 3, 1908.
Train leaves Reynoldsville 4:25 p. m."
Ticketa goad for passage on trainslcaving Pittsburg at 8.50 p. m. and 10.45 p.
tbe latter train carrying Pullman sleeping cara only to Philadelphia and
through to Atlantic City, atd their connectlora goinp, and all regular trains
returnlrg within sixteen daya. For atop-over privileges and full information
consult nearest ticket Agent.
J. R. WOOD,
Passenger Traffic Manager.
GEO. W. BOYD,
General Passenger Agent.
The Star's Want Column never fails to bring results
f