VOL XXXI THE PHOENIX. Do you know why the PHOENIX bicycle is the most popular wheel in Pittsburg? Do you know why it won the Butler-Pittsbugh race, and the Wheeling-Pittsburg? Simply because bearing, chain, tire, frame—all the parts —are made of the best material. Because we build the lightest,easiest running wheel that is sitfe and reliable for the roads. We also make a specialty of an easy running and light lady's wheel, which is equally popular. A guarantee is a good thing in its way. The PHOENIX guarantee cov ers every point, but the best point of all is the fact that repairs or claims for de fective parts constitute an exceedingly small per centage of our cost of manu facture. For catalogue and other information address, THE STOVER BICYCLE Mf g. Co. FRSEPORT, ILUor J. E. FORSYTHE, Agent. ALL FOR FUN Some people go one place and some another for a month during the summer. They lose their time and expense and its none of our business, but we have decided to stay at home and spend the time talk ing to our customers and giving them bar gains just for fun, to see how it goes. We are willing to spend our time for nothing only for July—not a day longer. That's all the time we can afford to spend for nothing. Some things we will sell below o O cost: Rawhide Whips 30c. Whalebone Whips 30c. Leather Fly-nets sl. 4 boxes Axle Grease 25c, Bindei Whips, 10 feet, 50c. And Buggies, Wagons, Harness and everything belonging to a team or driving outfit in proportion. No difference what you want about a horse or team, come here. We pay 110 rent and expect to be here all our life. The guessing on the horse is still going on. Try your luck—it costs nothing to try. Everybody over 16 years old allowed a guess. Women and men both guess. Over 1 100 guesses already. Counted July 20 at noon. S. B. Martincourt & Co., 128 East Jefferson Street, BUTLER, - PA. S. B. MARTINCOURT, J. M. LIEGHNER. W. F. HARTZELL. L. M. COCHRAN. BUTLER ROOFING COMPANY, Wholesale and Retail Dealers in —Excelsior Fire-Proof Slate Paint— For Shingle Roofs,and Ebonite Varnish for all Metal Roofs. Also, Agents for the Climax Wool and Asbestos Felt, the King of Roofing Felts. All kinds or roofs repaired and painted on the shortest notice. Estimates given on old or new work and the same promptly attended to. ALL WORK GUARANTEED. BUTLER ROOFING COMPANY, 320 SOUTH MCKEAN STREET, * * * BUTLER, PA. C. R. ELLIOTT, * 130 W. Jefferson Street, LEADING WALL PAPER HOUSE Will occupy this space next week. THE BUTLER CITIZEN. Only a Scar Remains Bcrofula Cured —Blood Purified by - » Hood's Sarsaparilla. " C. I. Hood & Co., Lowell. Mass.: " It Is with pleasure that I send a testimonial concerning what Hood's Sarsaparilla has done for my daughter. It Is a wonderful medicine and I cannot recommend it too highly. Sarah, who is fourtien years old, has been Afflicted With Scrofula ever since she was one year old. For five years she has had a running sore on one side of her face. We tried every remedy recommended, Nut soil ing did her any good until we commenced •Isir.c flood's Sarsui' irilln. Mv married daughter advised me to use flood's Sarsaparilla because Hood's 3 '"* 1 " Cures It bad cured her of dyspepsia. Sho had been troubled with that complaint since childhood, and since her cure she lias never been without a bottle of Hood's Sarsaparilla in the house. Wo commenced giving it to Sarah about one year ago, and it lias conquered the running sore, Only a Scar Remaining *s a trace of the dreadful disease. Previous to taking the medicine her eyesight was affected but now she can see Perfectly. In connection with Hood's Sarsaparilla we have used Hood's Vegetable Pills, and find them the best." MBS. MAKIA GRIFFIN*, Xenia, Illinois. Hood's Pills cure nausea, sick headache, ! indigestion, biliousness. Sold by all druggists. A Scientist claims the Root of Diseases to be in the Clothes we Wear. The best Spring remedv for the chines, etc., is to discard your uncomfortable old duds which irri tate the body:-leave vour measure at ALAND'S for a new suit which will fit well, improve the appearance by re lieving you instant- O . lv of that tired feel ing, and making you cheerful and active. The cost of this sure cure is very moderate TRY IT. C. I). A business that keeps grow ing through a season ot de pression, such as tiie country has experienced, is an evi dence that people realize thej save money by trading with us. We know, and always have known, the days of large profits are past. Without question we are giving more for the money than last year. Our stock is larger to select from than last year. CALL AND SEE US. Colbert & Dale. Peremptions Jg| A Specialty. At Redick's Drug Store. #• We do uot handle anything bu pure drugs, next time you are i' need of medicine pli-Hfe tiive us s call. W<» are headquarter* for pur. SODA WATER as we use only pure fruit juices, »• also handle Paris Green, hellehi r insect powder, London purple and other inn cticides. Respectfully, J. C. REDIfK, Main ftt.,next toHotel Lowry BUTLEK, PA. JOHN KEMPER, Manufacturer of Harness, Collars, and Strap Work, and Fly Nets, and Dealer in Whips, Dusters, Trunks and Valises. My Goods are all new and strict first-c ul work guaran teed Repairing a Specialty. :o: :o: Opposite Campbell & Templeton's Furniture Store. 342 S. Main St., - Butler, Pa. ONLY A MEMORY. Wss It a drcatr? 1 saw once more my boy bcod's dear oil home. The rose embowero i cot where I was bora, The woodland piths therein my lithesome feet would often roam. As happy as the birds that sins »t mora I saw the beading orchards and the meadows kissed with dew, Th? skies that ne'er with clouds were over cast. But oh, the bii-sful p cture soon had faded from tny view— Twas only a sweet memory of the past Affair. I saw tbo grindstone that I often haa to turn Until I sally longed to run away, And, too, the cellar, where I had to churn and churn and churn. And sprout potatoes every rainy day There wero the fields wherein I used to hoe the beans and corn. Where crops were slow and weeds grew very fast, And where I often sighed and wished I never had been born— 'Twas only a sweet memory of the past. The neighbor's watermelon patch from which I used to steal The biggest melon IJiad strength to pac'«: The church where every Sunday with a stone bruise on my heel I'd have to limp to services and back. Tha peach tree where my sire oftentimes would cut a switch And lay It on my jacket thick and fast. Or else he'd take his slipper and he'd give It to me rich— Twas only a sweet memory of the past. I jet sad-eyed, sorry poets rant about the charm of youth, I'm glad that with Its trials I am through: They have forgotten all about Us thorny side, in truth. 'TIs distance lends enchantment to the view Away with childish pictures, give me deeper joy or woe; With foolish dreamers I would not be classed; The youthful vision fades aha' it tickles me to know 'T was only a sweet memory of the past —Nixon Waterman, in Chicago Journal. - id ' ;> OACK EXtSLISU j t [I was ticket Wi" ) uee n u b a \{CJJ gagemaster and telegraph operator at the little station —— called Ranch man's Center. It was a new station, far out on the prairie, fully half a mile from the nearest human habitation, but, being situated ia the midst of a wide belt of excellent grazing country, it was regarded as a good shipping point. It already did more business in that line than many places on the boasting of several hundred inhabit ants. There were two freight trains a day each way, the through and local, the latter of which carried passengers, having a coacli attached to the rear for that purpose. Then there were the two accommodations going in opposite di rections and the daily express and mail east and west, which passed through the lonely place between the hours of ten and twelve at night Ilence Jack had all the after part of the night at his own disposal and as soon as the last train—the cast-bound express —passed he locked up the station and crossed the prairie to the little cottage, half a mile away, where his mother and sister Lizzie kept a pleasant home for him. They had their cow, their gar den and their "truck patch" to look after, and the product of these, in addi tion to the twelve dollars a mouth pen sion, which the mother, a soldier's widow, received, enabled them to live quite comfortably. Lizzie was u bright, active girl of fourteen, always busy with her work or book, but with all her intelligence and industry she was an inveterate coward. She was afraid of everything, and often made herself miserable by imagining danger when none existed. But she was ambitious, nevertheless, and wanted to learn everything Jack undertook. Hence when he took charge of the little office down at the crossing she announced her determination of study ing telegraphy. Jajk assured her the art was as full of electricity as a thun derstorm, of which she stood in mortal dread, but shf persevered in her effort notwithstanding, and in a few weeks could manipulate the instrument so as to receive and send messages as cor rectly if not quite as speedily as her teacher. Pleased with her progress, the broth er secured two second-hatd instruments and a coil of wire and put up a line from the house to the station, so that she might have practice without having to walk to the office during the cold weather. Under Jack's directions the cowboys put it up, and though it was not stretched so well as it might have been and the poles were only fence posts spliced together, it worked as perfectly as the main line. Fearing that the officious lineman might object to the instrument on his end of the line being in the office, Jack set it up on one side of the big, empty freight room, and here, when the weather was not too cold, he spent many a lonely half hour in conversing in telegraphic language with the little sister at home. One night about the middle of Febru ary there was a terrific thunder and windstorm, with a blinding fall of rain and hail, a very unusual thing at that season of the year. It came up sudden ly about eleven o'clock, after the west bound train had passed and an hour be fore the eastern one was due. Jack had been lying dozing on the cot in his office, but at the sound of the thunder he got up to look out The ram was beginning to faillhen, and the wind shook the light frame building in such a fierce way as to cause him to shifer. While he stood by the window, matching the threaten ing clouds, a vivid flash of lightning re vealed for an instant a troop of horse men galloping across the prairie in the direction of the station. Thinking they were belated cowboys caught in the unexpected storm, he paid no further attention to them, but after another look at the approaching cloud went back to the stove, where a bright fire was burning, and as it was still an hour till train time he took up a book, turned the night-lamp higher, and lazily stretched himself on the cot to read. He had read only a few pages when above the roar of the thunder and the beating of the rain and hail against the window he heard the clatter of horses' feet. A moment later heavy footsteps on the platform outside reached his ear, and, before ho had time to con jecture what the unusual disturbance at that hour of the night meant, there came a loud knocking at the outer door. Thinking they were people from a distance to wait for the train, ho in quired, more from habit than suspicioni "Who is there?" "Passengers to take the midnight train," was the quick response. "We're »vet to the skin and half-frozen. Let us in without delay," and the impatient moving of feet outside confirmed the statement. Without a moment's hesitation Jack drew back the heavy bolt and threw the door open, when in crowded half a dozen rough-looking men muffled to the ears in furs and woolen comforters. Not liking their appearance, tha young telegrapher was about to re enter his office so as to put a lock be- I'LKH. PA.. FRIDAY. JULY '.20. tween himself and them, but belore he had succeeded In carrying out the thought suggested he was seized by one of the stalwarts and hurled un ceremoniously to the floor. Then while two of the number held him down the others busied themselves in binding hia hands and feet. Thinking they had come for the pur pose of tapping the safe. Jack felt re lieved that there was only one dollar and a few cents there Sometimes he had considerable money ia charge, and only that day he had delivered a pack age of gold to a ranchman, but now— he wondered how the robbers would feel when they learned how much they had risked fur one dollar and six cents. He supposed, of course, that they would go through his pockets in search of the key of the safe, but tliey didn't; instead, they carried him into the freight room and laid liim down against the side of the building. v.*th the injunction to "keep mum. if he valued his ba >a." For awhile after they had disposed of him ail was still in the waiting-room; tiien he heard them moving about cau tiously, he thought. Notwithstanding the predicament he was i:i himself he .-..uileJ grimly at thoughts of their ch.igrio when the contents of the safe should be revealed to them. "Why, it won't pay for the powder it will take to blow it open," he muttered, under his breath. His soliloquy was interrupted by one of the men opening the door and in quiring: "Say, youngster, is there anything we've got to do to that train to get it to stop?" "Hang the red lantern out, of course, you niuny," rep'iioi one of his companions. "I've around rail roads enough i'i my time to had out a thing or two." Then, pushing past the first speaker, he held the light above his hea . and demanded of Jack: "Is the train 011 lime, sonny?" "It was at ten o'clock," answered Jack, and then, with a wild hope in his heart, he added: "Let me loose and I'll find out" "Not much, my liardy," responded the rough, in a gritting voice. "Let you at that infernal instrument and you'll send the train through like lightning and so cheat us out of that pile of gold we're a ter. No, sir; we're not the green gamins you take us for, that's sure." Jack shuddered a « he door closed behind the bold spea .er. He understood now why they had not asked him for the key of the safe. It Was not the paltry sum that might be found in a little country depot they were after. They intended to rob the train, and since the rogue had made known his business it occurred to him SIM "SAV, YOUNGSTER, IS THERE ANYTHING WE'VE GOT TO DO ?" that he had seen in the morning paper that a large amount of gold had been shipped from California to Washington and that it would passover that branch of the road in its route thither. Their scheme was self-evident, and set Jack to thinking more deeply than he had ever done in his life. lie tried to loosen his hands, but in the dark ness he could accomplish nothing. Just at that instant an opportune flash of lightning revealed to him the blessed fact that in their haste his would be-captors had failed to draw the knot on the cord with which his hands were bound as tight as they doubtless in tended. In an instant the slack end of the loop was between his teeth and a few vigorous jerks soon set him free. It required but a moment more to whip out his knife and cut the cord that bound his feet The next move was to take off his shoes so as to make no noise in moving around. Still, with his freedom re gained he was unable to accomplish anything, for the outside door was locked and the key was on a ring with other keys hanging on a nail in the office. He began feeling about to find out if there would be any chance of raising the window, when he almost stumbled over the small table where his little old-fashioned instrument sat He tried the circuit and finding it complete de termined, in spite of Lizzie's known cowardice, to ask her help. She was a sound sleeper, but his one hope was that she might have been waked by the storm and so be made available as an assistant. His con jecture was correct and almost imme diately the circuit was opened and the response came. Then as rapidly as p ssible he made known the situation at the station and asked if she would go down to the cut, a quarter of a mile distant, and sig nal the train. The reply was in the affirmative, and there was no indecision in it either. Then he flashed back: "Put piece of thin, red flannel around the lantern, go down to the deep cut and swing your red light across the track a? soon as the train rounds the curve. Iveep it up until you are sure it has been seen, and when the train stops go to the conductor with the news I have told yon. Be as quick as possible, for it is almost traintime, and if you are too late there will be bloodshed." "All right," returned Lizzie. "I'll be off inside of three minutes," and, cow ard though she was, she kept her promise. It was very dark, still rain ing hard when she slipped quietly out of the back door of the cottage, not wishing to disturb her mother, who was just recover.npf from an attack of fever. It was stiil thundering in the distance, and every flash of lipntning made her shriek and cower as if wounded by the glaring sheet of fire. But in spite of her terror she did not slacken her speed, and reached the deep cut justas the lieadliglitof the approach ing train began to glimmer around the curve beyond. Faithfully she delivered the messatre committed to her and then fell fainting at the conductor's feet Aa soon as she revived a little he guve her into the care of some of the lady passengers, and a few minutes later the train was again in motion, ready for the antici pated attack. As soon as Jack was sure that Lizzie would carry out his instructions he wrapped the cord loosely round his hands and feet a-,'ain. and lay down in • his old position, not wishing to excite suspicion in the breasts of the robbers I should they take it into their heads to ! pay him another visit before the arrival | of the train. He knew it must be almost [ midnight and the movements of the ! rogues outside convinced hitn that they were preparing for the work they had I come to do. Through the window he could see j that the red lantern had been swung into position, and after a little he heard them pacing restlessly up and down the platform as though growing impa tl..t rrn.. •• "" I:-' Wi .Mil!ft ' ; A • fSf- *' •'.-. ■:s / ' , ; ;>v7 U J - ■. a sp£ SHE UItACIU.D TUE DEEP Ct'T. ucui. xue cioctc in me omce bad struck twelve at least twenty minutes before a faraway whistle announced the ap proach of the tartly train. Immediate ly there was a cessation of the monoto nous tread outside, and a few moments later, with a rumble and roar and hiss ingl of the air brakes, the train drew up to the station. The next moment the command of "(lands up!" was followed by the report of several revolvers fired simultaneously, and Jack, throwing aside his cords, rushed out just in time to see his half dozen midnight visitors marched into the baggage car at the point of a dozen revolvers leveled at their heads. In the midst of the babel of voices that followed. Jack found out that Lizzie had succeeded in stopping the train and that with the aid of volunteer pas sengers the tra'n crew had no diffi ctiliy in capturing the robbers, who were not prepared for the volley of balls which had greeted them as they attempted to board the train. Two of them were wounded, and the other four, seeing that it was no use to re sist, had quietly surrendered. Brave Lizzie was given into the care of her brother, and in spite of her pro test a purse of fifty dollars, raised by the grateful passengers, was thrust upon her. After the train had started, ■lack locked the station securely and as the two walked home together they agreed to say nothing about their ex perience to their mother until she was well and strong again. Consequently the first intimation she had of the dan ger they hail braved came a week later in the form of u. check for two hundred dollars from the railroad company — payable to Jack and Lizzie Taylor—for the use of their private line in captur ing the robber...—Chicago News. A Xiw \er*i.;n. An illustration of how children seiz-> the sound t.f words occurred when a seven-year-old girl was asked to tell about her Sunday school lesson last Sabbath. She replied: "It was in the Psalms, where it said something about running his cup over, and at the end said: Goodness, gracious, mercy sakes alive.'" This is certainly a new ver sion of the twenty-third Psalm. —Omaha Bee. Helen "Yes, I overheard Tom tell ing Charlie that you danced like au angel." "Do you tliin'i he was in earnest?" "Yes, for he said there was nothing tlial would tempt him to dan"" witli yo i aghiu."—lnter Ocean. DIVIDING THE WORK. "Jiin, I'll tell you how you'll have to fix it. Tackle de ole woman fust, see? 'cause she's got de plunks in dat bafl' wot she's carrytn'. Don't mind de dog at all; he's a bulldog, an' he'll just take a hold in one place an' den hang on; he won't chew.you like an or'nary dog." "Well, where do yon come in?" "Oh, I'll git de plunks while you'se amoosin' de dog."—Life. A Dread Truth. There is no adage of them all, Anxious mothers know 10 well As that whenever strangers call "It's the little thtngs that tell." —Brooklyn Lite. It la a Way of Men. A man loved a woman, but she laughed at him. Then, through grief, he became ill, and was like to die, in very despair of her love. Whereat pity touched her heart, and pity grew to love. When he came to know this, having now the love he had so yearned to possess, he rejoiced greatly, and arose from his bed. And straight way he began to love another woman. —Berry Benson, in Century. Ilcauty Transferred. lie—J think that often people, from being a great deal together, come to resemble each other. Don't you be lieve that beauty is sometimes trans ferred, as it were, in that way? She —Well, I don't know. But after you and Miss Mayeup took that stroll in the garden last night some of her rouge was on your cheeks.—Boston Traveller. The One Thing: Needful. Matilda Snowball—ls you in earnest, Mistah Jolinsing. wid yore materinoni al prepersishon? Sam Johnsing—l am, indeed, Miss Snowball. I has got er shanty an' chickens an' two mewels an' er pig, an' all I needs is er wife ter make me puffec'ly happy.—Alex Sweet, in Texas Siftings. Got There Anyhow. "The old man run fer sheriff, didn't he?" "Yes." "And they beat him?" "Yes; but he's still ahead." "How's that?" "Feller shot the sheriff an' the old man's coroner!" —Atlanta Constitution. Etiquette * tFema 11 as. Husband (alarmed) Emily, there ; seems to be smoke coming up through the floor. Run and tell the lady on the flat below. Something's afire in her part of this building. Quick, quick! Wife (coldly and stately)— Cyrus, I'll never do it in the world. We've lived three months in this flat and she has never called on me.—Tid-Bits. PahrfMag. Teacher Pulverized sugar is so called because it is powdered. Do you understand? Little Girl—Yes'in. Teacher—Now construct a senteuce with the word "pulverize" in it. Little Girl—You pulverize >ur face! —Good News. Necettaary Pantoralme. Bridget—D'ye moind th' way thim I Oytalians motions wid their hands an' arrums an' heads an' bodies whin they | talks? Patrick Begorra, how ilse could ! they undirshtand phat aieh other do j be chatterin' about?—N. Y. Weekly. \ Matrimonial Prize. Old Friend—Your little wife is very j highly educated, isn't she? Happy Husband—Bless you, no. She doesn't know enough to la>t her over J Sunday. Why, she even enjoys the '■ meetings of the Ladies' Literary club. I -V V A Kluhtrix Mr Jack-on il ih> ni. •!«*! I thought f met you a >'tit half a:i 1.-mr ai'n ;'•>■ ing toward the tnillpoml for a day 's fishing. Uncle—Dat was me. ya.v.ir. Mr. J.—Why are you returning so soon? Uncle—l done lit up wid a za*ter, sah. Yo' : I v.-ar gwin-* long mighty ear'less wid tin r mouf full of wums, an' Sam Osier done e >i:i erlong au' gimme a su l.lint slain on de l«ack an' knock dein wmcs down mer soppgus. Now I gutter go ter t'.e pottecary man an' see if lie kyan gib trie sumpin'ner ter ahstrap dat bait. IV bleedged ter hab dat bait to do any fishin', ->ar." — Yonkers Gazette. IV m'ltlnltlrft. Mrs. (ladders—l have so much trouble keeping a cook. I can't get one that will stay more than a week. Mrs. Sauers (loftily)—My family is just the tame size as yours, and I have no trouble. Mrs. Gadders—Yes; I've heard that your cook hud an cn-y thing of it. She told mv chambermaid that she had hardly anything to do except when company came. Puck. WHAT DOKS lIE MEANT N'j Miss Oldfrfirl —You must promise not | to kiss me while I am unconscious. Dentist—l shall do nothing of the i kind. Miss Oldgirl (with a happy sigh)— : Turn on the gas.—Judge. No I.utichlns \fTilr Thin. We may smile at ladles smoking. But we'i" think it's frono too far When the gentle damsels touch us P'ur a liftv-cent cigar -N. Y. Herald Knew Hon It Will [lliuself. Col. Yerger does not think it is right to bestow promiscuous charity. A few days ago a beggar met him. and ap plied to him for pecuniary assistance. After considerable reflection Col. Yerger responded with a reluctant quarter and an expression of sympathy. "Thank you, colonel," said the tramp; "I reckon you knows how a fel low feels who has no education and has to deadbeat his way through the world."—Alex Sweet, in Texas Sift ings. Familiar to American*. Boy—What does feudal mean? Teacher—Under the old feudal sys tem one man had authority over a wnole community, appointing his fa vorites to rule over the people and levying tribute on all citizens when ever he pleased. Do you understand? Boy—Yes'm. He was a boss. —Good News. WHS That It? "What little boy will tell why Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt?" asked the Sunday school teacher. Freddy Filkius' hand went up, and the good lady nodded to him to give his answer. "Because she was too fresh."—Truth. Precisely. Bingo—l tell you, dear, I had to work hard last night. Mrs. Bingo—Sc. 1 judged by what I saw in your pocket this morning. Bingo—What do you mean? Mrs. Bingo—A workman is known by his chips, isn't lie?—N Y. World. The Cautte of It. He blushed a flefy red; her heart went pit-a-pat; she gently hung her head and looked down on the mat. ne trembled in his speech; he rose from where he sat. and shouted with a screech: "You're sitting on my hat!" —Pearson's Weekly. Impersonating an Ofllrer. Justice Stuffey—You charge this tramp with coming to your saloon and impersonating an officer, do you? Grogan—Yis, sor: the blagard gave three raps on me soide dure, an' I passed him out adlirink.—N. Y. World. Another Matter. "Jones has skipped with twenty thousand dollars." "He's a genius!" "And he took your umbrella along, too." "He's an infernal scoundrel!"— Hallo. Arched. Sally Gay—What a cunning little fel low Mr. Callipers is! Dolly Swift—Cunning? Why, he's dreadfully bow-legged. Sally Gay—Yes, but that gives him such an arch look, you know. —Truth. Easy to Laugh. Mrs. Brickrow—lt does a body good to have Dr. Grinn when one is sick. He is always so jolly. Mr. Brickrow —You'd be jolly, too, if you were getting three dollars for * ten-minute call.—N. Y. Weekly. Ills Fears. Prisoner- What does the judge say about my case? Lawyer—He's non-committal. Prisoner —Well, I'iu glad of that. 1 was afraid he would give me seven years.—Judge. (aood Advice. Father—Do you really desire to mak« my daughter happy? The Suitor—Certainly! Father Then don't marry her.— Hallo. Comforting. Patient—Well, doctor, how's my lung? Doctor—Pretty fair—it will last M long as you live.—Hallo. A Mltlgratlujr Circumstance. Little Benny—Mamma, please let me bold the baby for a minute. Mother—l am afraid, Benny, you might let her fall. Little Benny—Well, if she does fall she can't fall very far.—Alex Sweet, In Texas Siftings. Contentment. "Rabbi, who is the happier, the man j who owns 81,000,000 or he who has seven daughters?" "The man who has many daughters " "Why so?" "He who has 81,000,000 wishes for more; the aaan who has seven daughters does not."—Fliegende Blaetter. A Modern Miracle. "A miracle happened on the B& O. , line the other night." "You don't say so." "Yes; they discovered a hot box ! while the train was passing through Philadelphia."—Brooklyn Life. Deauty of Absence. Wiggins—l wonder how it is that old DeCash always speaks so highly of bis j poor cousin in the west? Grump —IPin! His cousin is so hard ! up that he never can afford to pay him a visit'—Truth. With a Marked Accent. Friend —Does the baron, your son-in law. speak with much of an accent? Richpurse—He did when he discov ered how I had fixed his wife's dower. I -Puck. 1 No VMdtr. "The intist (livnuted man I ever saw,™ said Lncle \lle*i Sparks. who was in a reminiscent mood, ' was a divorce law yer He attended a sale of unclaimed express packages and bought fur two dollars ant! tifty cent* what he supposed was an «-i! painting When he took it to his office and unwrapped it he found it was one i f framed mottoes: "God lUov»Our H «n»c-'"—Chicago Trib une. IVhat lie Hrin"nih»*r«Ml. I!ri;rh» !; ■< I'nole t!e»rge took me to hear a lecture on phrenology Father Let me m-c if you can tell me what you learned? Bright Boy - Some smart men have high foreheads, and some smurt men have low foreheads: and some big fools have high foreheads, and some big fools have low foreheads. That's all I can remember. - tiood News. Might ( tiatigc Iter Ww«. "Emily." said the young author, ten derly, "what do you think of my new novel?" "Reginald." responded Kinily. with a voice of which every tone spoke elo quently a> to her feelings. "Rejrinald. I have far too high a regard for yon now ever to read any of your books."— Chicago Record Matrimonii*! ltrm "Is marriage a failure?" asked the elderly Spil .insof a former tlame. who had l>eeti a party to a May ami Decem ber marriage. "No." she replied, with a glance toward her husband, in the next room. "Not a failure. Only a temporary em barrassment."—Alex Sweet, in Texas Siftings. Where llr Kept 111* Property. At a church meeting in one of the suburbs of Chicago the inquiry was made whether a certain lawyer of the congregation, whose financial affairs were somewhat involved, had "got religion." To which another lawyer present responded: "No, I think not, unless it's in his wife's name."—Argo naut W lierr Ignorance I* BUM. Mother—You are a great big girl, Fanny, but you are afraid to sleep alone, and there is your little sister Jenny, who is not half your age, and she is not afraid. Fanny—You see, ma, she isn't old enough to have any sense yet.—Alex Sweet, In Texas Siftings. New Specie*. Dick Hiclcs—What kind of a bird Is a limed? Hicks—Never heard of the species. Why? Dick Illcks—The grocer has a whole box full of limed eggs.—N. Y. World. Scarcity of Silver. Guest (facetiously)— There are two spoons in my teacup. What is that a sign of? Hostess' Little Son—That's a sign that somebody else hasn't got any spoon. —Good News. New Llfht on the Hubjeet. Mr. Aikin—You see things In a dif ferent light since you married, do you not? Mr. Nuwed —1 ought to. There were fifteen lamps among our wedding presents.—Forget Me Not. These Are Everywhere. "You stand for office in England. In this country you run for it." "But we have one sort of candidate in common. Those who lie for it"— Harper's Bazar. Where Is He? Breathes there a man with soul so dead Or (alls to lake good care of It, Who's handsonfe or accomplished, and Is thus far not aware of ltf —Detroit Free Press. SIMILAR It ESI REM. Mrs. Mulligan—l'd rather hev the hull family sick than you! Mr. Mulligan—So would I! —Hallo. Not One. All lovers plead for just oae kiss, But when they're bsdly gone, la their bright lexicon of bliss There's no such word as one. —Truth. No l'»e for Ftre-Llght. Mrs. Percushing—Henry, I smell fire, I tell you! Mr. Percushing—Well, I can't find any fire, and I've been all over the house. Mrs. Percushing—Well, light the candle and take another look. How could you find it in the dark, you idiot? —Judge. Editorial Remarks. "To make a long story short," ob served the blue pencil, "the way to succeed" — "Is to do the work you are cut out for," suggested the scissors. "And stick at it," added the paste-pot And then silence reigned in the sanc tum. —N. Y. World. The Winning Hand. She (half suspiciously)— Did you ever hold a hand that you would like to hold better than mine? He —Only once, darling. Then I bad four aces. —Raymond's Monthly. On the Ocean Blue. Sympathetic Steward —Lights bother ye, mum? Very Rick Passenger—N-no. I think it's niv liver. —Life. His Attitude. Tramp (to philanthropist)— Sir, lam one of the unemployed, and you could place ine in a position I should very much like to occupy. Philanthropist—Certainly, my good man; what is the position? Tramp—That of owing you one dol lar until the next time I meet you.— Truth. An Idea. Bobbie—Papa. I've been reading a story about an elephant drawing up a lot of water, and then squirting it all over a man he didn't like. Bobbie's Father —That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it? Bobbie—No. I should think he would have made him check his trunk. —Harper's Young People. I'art of the Architect's Plans. Jean—Mv house is to be an exact counterpart of this old chateau that I saw in Normandy. Lisette —Ah, but it will lack the mel lowing effect of age. Jean —But a gentleman with nine children is going to lease It for twe years before I move in.—Vogue. A New Mother-ln-Law Joke. "Mr. Smith, your jnother-in-law—" "Oh! do not say that anything has happened to her." "Nothing has happened to her. i What makes you so anxious about liet safety?" "Why, man, she pays my rent everj j month."—Tammany Timjifc ' N o. '29 Better Yet. The other forenoon a young man# whose hair seemed to stand on end and whose wild eves and red face attracted imiued.ato attention halted before a Woodward avenue dry goods store and j gazed fixedly at the card signs at tached to articles displayed at th« ! door. "Reduced one-half in ten days, eh?" he muttered, as one card in particular caught his eye "Maybe that feller in side thinks he's mighty smart, but he's mistaken. I struck this town with forty dollars only two days ago, an' here I'm reduced to fifteen cents al ready. Half In ten days; humphl"— Detroit Free Press. Takeu at Ills Word. A Texas school-teacher lost one of his scholars very suddenly and unex pectedly. The class was parsing a sen tence. "What is the imperative of the Terb to go?" asked the teacher. "I duntao." "Go!" "Thank you!" murmured the lad, as he shot out of the door before the teacher could prepare his veto mes sage.—Alex E. Sweet, in Texaa Sift ings. SPAKE RlitS AND CABBAUK. Other Things Count. "A great deal depends on penman ship, my boy—a great deal depends on penmanship," he said to his son. "It may be of inestimable value to ayoung man, so you can't be too particular. I notice you don't write nearly so good a hand as your brother." "Neither do you." retorted the boy. "I'm —no. perhaps not I didn't have the advantages—" "But yours is good at the bank and his isn't." And thus ended the first lesson.—St Louis Post-Dispatch. Matrimonial Persiflage. Mrs. Henpeck (severely) A good wife is the greatest riches a man can have. Mr. Henpeck (sadly)—l only wish it were so. my dear. Mrs. H. (with asperity)— And what reason, pray, sir, have .you for think ing it is not so? Mr. ll.—Because "riches take unto themselves wings and fly away," you know. Hullo. A Grcnt Success. Young Mr. Fitts—That pie you gave to the Commercial club for the poor has been one of the most successful contributions of the year. Young Mrß. Fitts—lndeed! "Yes, indeed. It has been presented to no less than seven poor families so far."—lndianapolis Journal. A Serious Accusation. Wobbley Wibbles—l have a good mind to have that saloon bouncer who chucked me out arrested as an an archist * Wiggley Waggles—What charge can you bring against him? Wobbley Wibbles —Firing a bum.— Brooklyn Eagle. Circumstantial Evidence. Willie Your father is going to church to-morrow with your mother, ain't he? Tommy—How did you know that? Willie—Well, if he wasn't you'd never be digging bait on Saturday afternoon.—Judge. L.onjr Time Rlnce They Had Met. Policeman (to tramp in front of an exchange office) —What yer bowin' and scrapin' in front of that winder for? Tramp (making another bow) —I'm salutin' them bank notes—old acquaint ances that I haven't seen for years.— Tammany Times. Not Adopted. First Fashion Leader—Why not adopt this style? It is very becoming to both of us. Second Fashion Leader —Yes, it is becoming to us, but it docs net make other people look ugly enough.—N. Y. Weekly. Sacrificed to Form- George (weakly)— Don't you think, dear- Maude (coyly)— Think what, George? George (bravely)— That it's awfully bad form for us to be so familiar un less we are engaged.—Hallo. In Boston. "When Lot's wife looked back," said the Sunday school teacher, "what hap pened to her?" "She was transmuted Into chloride of sodium," answered the class, with one voice.—Chicago Tribune. True as a Rule. She —I suppose actresses are much quicker dressers than ordinary women folks. He—Well, they certainly do dresa a rood deal faster. —N. Y. World. Quite a Distinction. Miss Morris (to Miss Proudell, erf Philadelplia) —I know some Proudella in New York. Are you related to them? Miss Proudell—Oh no. Of coursf . not. If there is any connection at all, it is they who are related to us.— Harper's Bazar. Running n Great Risk. Brlggs—Well, old man, I've just spent half a day in writing some verses to Maude Twickenham. Griggs—That's strange. Briggs—What is? Griggs—Why, I thought you wanted to marry her! —Truth. LonellneM. First Girl —Freddie took a good deal of wine at dinner yesterday. Second Girl —I noticed it First Girl—lt went to his head. Second Girl —Dear me! What a lone ly place for It to go to! —Washington Star. Woman's Way. Upon her neighbor's hat she jssed Awhile with look Intent, And In these terms the structure prataedi It's grand—magnificent" Upon Niagara she looked An I to her lover said. As to his arm her own she booked: "It's pretty, atn'tlt, Ned?" —S. Y. Presa End of a Chicago Romance. "The engagement between theiti la broken, then?" "0, yes." "t)id they quarrel?" "0, no; they discovered yesterday that they had been married to eaah other before." —N. Y. Presa. Knew the Brother. Struggling Pastoi>— Brother Skinflint intends to give our new chapel A beautiful memorial window. Wife —He probably wants something to look at when the contribution box goes around.—N. Y. Weekly.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers