VOLUME 3. (from the Lrnly'e friend ] The Pastor's Wife. BY MRS M. RITCHIE. "Great was the consternation in the tern oi Sewbay, a little community on the eastern shore "I Kong Island, when Mi. Chase, the pastor of the Methodist body, returned lrom an excursion to a faraway country of the State and brought home with him a wife! Did not know that Vor asking, and a very little asking too, he might have hid >li-s Perry and five hundred dollars a year into th« bargain. <\,ul.J he have f-ii ! ed to notice the atten tion of the Homer- «'"> ho' evidently no other motive hati to see ore him for Kstelle or \lmira \bove all. could he hare been so har iet cd as to despite the scare* concealed regard of petty Louise Gardener? Yet, oh ! the folly of man kind he had turned away from all to bring amongst tluim some distant penni IQSS hallo whose new fa ogled ways would di«turti the whole ongregntion. Thus the gossips "112 N.'wbiy talked on tlie*v«nius{ of the return. ns if the nrn jstcr had no riyht to dispose of himself like an ordirnry individual. It woi.ld probably have been mure in accordance with their views had he called a meeting of the church numbers In decide for him, on whom he should bestow bis affection 1 -. Meanwhile the object of their remarks was reviving av- t I • in Miss Perry, tor no eonnidci atii n of delicacy eonld avail to keep that ' 'v the bouse until a seasonable h »ur f-r ca'ls should arrive; her curiosity was excited, and '•as u member of the ©hureh, she bad a right to see the bri le ! ' "Yon ni.'i ' 'i a 'lisn.nl journey ' said the viMt-... ii>< ' * ! 1 keen gray eye> on the fui.iij i ice -«-ie ln-r. "No. indeed," repli'l the 1-ri'le. with a kind glance at her husband. ' Well. 1 mean if you have much feel in-.'. Mrs Chase;" the last two words came birth wit'i an a*|>«:ity it is impos sible to convey; ••but perhaps you had not a very h inpy home, and so parang with your (MTOti ili i not i ff ct yu. The mild bine eyes of the fair young bride filled with tears, hut noticing the riitini! color on net husband's brow, she hastened l.i c:dy to he cari-fl itwinua lion* (hut liau lispieasel HUM. 4 *l hud h happy home, and it was with sadness Iba le it farewell j but 1 had Woo 11 .so lon# la miliar will the thought of absence, an-l u»y parents ami sisters were for in) sake, s«» T HCBl fui, that I MUM not in the soe»eiy oi i mean, i colli*) nut very wli ui.' She | 'uci, and » u*»n «•> V. ina< • pa*tm his 1 <>viii; s) n. »■} • l re»v the alien iion 11 their un .v. <■ "i.ie j^iiest *• Y'U I 1 v.« s >»m excellent -urinous !r«»m .'J. ik/nuni. mmy ab.- nee, Mi?s Pen v?" • Uii! txioileni. » timed t lie li ly **•l vM.sii 3 .» sii >uki have hoard him uii w.■ idiiit- ,i w i jus what ihu penpie WaUli I .K'\ *#kll'. .« v r *') aci —ncVui . i uK'i si i»'.iiy, om liti CK'liti\ . >1 r. Onto « I n;»i k v- «■' ii a -Uiiie, hut lit » \<*U> II V - 5) ili - *' 4 \Ji M , ♦». piobubly £Uc»*cd a 8 much. Dni lie viMt you timing: hi> fitay ?" 4 Uh ! yes, and I felt i. uiy duty to prepare him tor the next Sabbath. open ing up a iitile of tlie wiek»Jfie>s of the people. 1 told htm of tho>e dressy llo iuers, and that flirting Loui.se L*ard»ier. Nobody else had giveu htui a hint. ' Indeed ?' said M*. Chase. Miss Perry's quick eve detected the shade on hi* brwvv, ami sho abruptiv quitted the subject, that not' ot his gentle reproofs should fall—not tin the first time —to tier lot • "A piano!" she cxe! i iue I. u. towards the instrument; 'ytay, »\ug to me, Mrs. Chase." Her hostess was too obliging to hetti tatc; aud touching the iustruiueut with the grace of a fiuished musician, Bang one of the "Songs of Zion." Miss Ptrry was not iond of music— few such persons are—and she motioned to depart without asking lor au encore. "We are fortunite, Agneta," said Mr. Chase, when she had retired, "in the means of dismissing Miss Perry, just when we please." "1 do not understand you," replied the gentle wife, looking up. •"I meuu that music will send her off at any time," explained her husband, with a glance of subdued huiuor that was irresistible Agneta laughed hear* tily, and thcu began a grave rebuke, which was stopped in the midst, no mat ter how. Three days passed away, and Louise Gardner had not yet crossed the pastor's threshold ; Louise, who had done so much to prepare the house for his re turn. AMERICAN CITIZEN. "I am surprised." observed the minis ter, "Miss Gardner is the most uncermo nious person I know, yet she has not been to welcome you, Agneta. There is som mystery here." And truly there was a mystery wlifch it woman alone could un ravel. At length she came. Agneta was not alone, for Mr. Chase had requested the wife of one of his deacons, a woman of some education, and most attractive pie ty, to be present whtfh his bride r.-eeived company, and the two were already friends. Louise was embarrassee, but A'_'i;eta encouraged her so kindly that he s ,ou her awkwardness, and en gaged in nu animated conversation. — Presently the d .or opened and Mr. t base eauie in Miss Gardner was the first to remark his entrance. ith a woman's intuition Agneta learned these cretol the flush upon her cheeks, her sudden silence, and liei abrupt departure Poor Louise, she had lived i u vain! Hut fil'liouuh Agneta could in a few moments discover this, her husband was happily unconscious of it. •'Louise Gardner is certainly changed,' he o! se veil, and that was all. Hut Agneta, how did this affect her? Was she not angry, with the young and certainly beautiful creature who had pre sumed to love htm, and was doubtless sadden.'<l i>y the happiness of his new home. llml she the generosity to sytn pall. *cwith the gr ■■f-stricken one, and st >i< e to eoinfort her, or would slv turn • wi\ to her own joy and so forget all? l<et the waim tens she'shed that evening when her husband was not by; the earn est prayet she offered in behalf of the suffering spirit; the written rosoluti >n that she would, God helping her, bring r >infort to that heart, give forth their loud reply ••So. Mi-s Perry; you went to see the bride?" '•Yes. Mf IJli-s, and a queer sort of person nhe is." "Aye, aye," said farmer Hliss, <! how ilo you mean ?" Miss Perry learn d against the garden fence, and a ided, with emphasis— "Mark my words, this piano fingering and French jabbering will come to no good, uncle; a minister who can take such a wile as that ought to be ashamed of himself." The sedate old farmer looked shocked. '".She's that sort of a body, be she?" "A fashionable, musical. Frenchficld dob. Why, her bonnet would have teld ) .u that!" Mr Hiiss went home. "Pulls''said he. t.. his dame, "don't JO.I go tiigh the parson's wife." • • Wiiv not?" inquired the old lady. ' She's one of your fashionables, and we don't want none of theui here," re joinet! the farmer. A fortuigbt had passed, ami Mrs. Hliss was preparing a comfortable supper in the kitchen, when there was a gentle ko vk. an.! tlio pastor and his wife walk ed in Mrs IJlis- toll confused, her huiie t pride ors.iok her, she saluted tii in, and w -ulii have led the way to (he parlor. "Not so !" said Mr. Chase, " i told my wife of the many tea drinking in this obi kitchen, with it- broad fire place and rose decked lattice; and she came expressly toask leave to taste the ten, and s;t lieside the roses " "Yes indeed," added a sweet, kindly voice at her elbow. "I love a farm, and 1 want to learn the secret of bread uia king. Mis. Hliss, for which my husband gi\es you so much credit." hat was the good woman to say?— She could refuse nothing to the face and smile—and the compliment to her house wifery. She loved the pastor's wife from that tim for h So they sat down in the wide feces- of the kitchen window, and haviug protested against the produc tion of the best china, drunk from the homely .dell the well brewed tea of which the uiiuister had spoken. They were in earnest talk ; the deli cious ham, the rich yellow butter, the wholesome bread had each received a word of praise, and the good woman was in her most sunny humor, when the door flew open, and the farmer stood before them. Mr. Chase went forward and shook hands—it was a hearty gripe, such as be knew the old niau liked. lie could no more resist that pressure than bis wife could resist the praises of her ua kary. and he went through an iutroduc tion to the bride with a good grace. "You arc Leartil} welcome." he said, "and if I'd kuowu you'd have conic to our place so friendly as this, Pd never have lisleued to Miss Perry, and kept Polly away." "llush man," interposed his wife, '•Miss Perry wuut thank yeu for telling that." '•Never uiiud, I'm right giad to see "Let us have Faith that Right makes Might; and in that Faith let us, to the end,dare to do ou. djty as we understand it"— A. LINCOLN BUTLER, BUTLEII COUNTY, PA., WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18 1866 yod, and that's all about it," returned the farmer. i It was moonlight ere our friends bent thefr steps homeward. The good old i folks watched them as they crossed the meadow, and the farmer was the first to speak. •'What a beautiful prayer he made, to '■ be sure !" ' "And she," ,:ut in his wife, "I could have listened to her singing all night." ' 'T liko to hear her talk, especially about our little Mary," and he drew his 1 hand across his eyes. 1 "Yes, yes," her voice trembled as she spokoj "'she comforted me more than any " one else. Ah! if I were only a christ ian like her." ' It was evening ; and while Mr. Chaae 1 was doing duty for a friend at a distance, Agneta and Louise Gardner sat in a long 1 and earnest conversation. At last the younger lady threw her woik aside, ex -1 claiming— ' "Oh Imy friend, what must Ido ?" • "You have not told me what your deep Borrow is yet," replied Agnetta, "but in all his distresses a Christian has need of prayer; let me urge you to pray." I 'I eannot; at least not as I once did." "Then you have not forgiven liiui who laid this sorrow on you ? ' Louise looked up in surpiise. "It is strong language, I kuow," said I Agnetta, "but is it not true,? 1 The girl burst into tears. "Youcannotunderstandmygrief.it is ; a trial you have never undergone." Agnetta felt the truth of this, and i they wept together. "It is not that you have given • our . heart where you can hope for no return?" • inquired the young wife at length. For a moment Louise hid her face ; . then wiih a sudden energy, she cried "Ask me no more, but help mo, help ' tuo to crush this love forever ! For it must—"Jier voice sank to a hollow whis per, "it must be dune ; be is the husband of another now." Ah ! noble Agneta, to hear this and give no sign, that she might spare the burdened heart the pang of knowing i that he was licrs no more. They knelt. i together, and the young, the happy prayed for the stricken one beside her. What wrestling with high Heaven, what burning words of agonized entreaty, what gentle, me tiug adjurations in the name of "Him who died." I bey ro-e, an 1 after some minutes of unbroken .silence, Louise threw herself into the arms of her new friend. "Ah ! Agneta," she exclaimed, "sure ly our God has taught you how to give tnc aid. I.know lie will hoar those pray ers and help mo to aright." The bride's heart was full. Louise continued "And once I hated you !" "Hated !" cried Agneta, starting "Yes, when you first came here, but you have won me by your love; stud now, oh ! Agneta, what a friend have I, an j orphan, iu the world, like my pastor's : wife ?" Agneta embraced her fondly, and from that time the was an elder sister to the neglected Louise. Would the result of her tuiiion be known go t:sk the people of Mr. Mpyburn's charge, and they will tell you that their minister's wife—for such Louise is now—is all they can de sire. "Is it possible, dear Mrs. Chase, that you have invited Miss Ferry to stay with y-"u whil&t her house is being painted?" So spoke the one morn ing as she stood beside her friend iu the kitchen. "Yes," said Agnct , looking up from her pie crust, "I have done so, Mrs. Grecti *' "After all the ili naturcd remarks nhc has made ?" "Just so. I mean to cure her." Mrs. Green's face grew brighter. "I sit at your feet;" she said. "Xay!" replied Agneta, "let ns rath er sit together in the place that Mary loved—learning of llim who, 'When He was reviled, reviled not again.'" ' I shall have a miserable time of it," said Miss Ferry to her friends, "but I cannot bear the smell of paint, and there fore I shall go." • This was all the remark that the kind invitation of the ynnnz wife elicited.— iJut Agneta was never d .unted, shu had deleriimied to cure Miss Ferry, by God's I leasing, cure her she would. Night and morning she remembered this in her jii jus; early and late the poudeicd the mcufcs to be employed. Kuowiug it was a grief to him she loved best of all things earthly, that she should have an enemy in the very midst of his people, she hud ; resolved U succeed, if success wort- nut j absolutely impossible. Such then was the loutse the (tailor's wife marked out. For two whole weeks she was the constant companion of her guest; the despised piano was scarcely touched, and the sound of French was a thing forgotten. Agueta received long lessons in the culinary art, and very mod est'y gave lessons in return. Quietly »he drew .Miss Perry into the houses of their poorer neighbors ; she yielded up to her the honor of their united eff orts, and carefully Bhe studied all her wants and \Vishe3. The heart must have leeu hard indeed that could withstand such consideration, and the fortress al ready began to show some signs of a sur render. "I do not kuow how it is," remarked Miss Perry to her cronies, "but whether I like Mrs. Chase or not she will lovenie and I cannot prevent her." .And ere she left that hospitable roof the enemy had becaino a friend and ar dent admirer—nay, even her affection had been won, in fact, Miss Perry was ciXred. "Dear Agneta," said the prist)r, "you havi made mo very happy. There is not one of the congregation who does not now see the wisdom of my choice." She laughed her merry laugh. "'You do me credit then," she said; then pausing for a minute, she ifthled, earnestly, "Ah! Ulric, of myself I can do nothing." A Russo American Alliauce. The great banquet given by the lead ing merchants of MOSCOT, the real com mercial and industrial capital of Russia, to the American Minister, Cassius M. Clay, has actually become the topic of tho hour in the Muscovite press, and in no small proportion of tho journalism of all Europj. '1 ht French seem to bo especi ally moved by the flaming after dinner speeches delivered upon that very remark able occasion, and tho English organs are only second to then) in expressing much and some apprehension, at the billing and cooing, which, ever since the hearty re ception of Admiral Lesoffsky and his naval squadron at this port, in 13G3, has beeu going on between the American and Russian Eagles. The interchange of marked civilities between officers of tho Yankee and Muscovite fleets in tho sea ports of France, at different times during last summer, while the French and Eng- lish naval dignitaries were comparatively held aloof by our own, had already given umbrage to our Trans-Atlantic friends of the entente con/tale, but Mr. Clay's de nunciatory speech, and tho response of llie I'zir's officers to it, followed by the enthusiastic demonstrations of the Mos cow merchant princess,iu favor of a grand Itusso American alliance against the world, has positively given them a fright, if not in view of immediate events, at least in anticipation of a future, flot far off. On the other hand, all the newspa pers iu Russia that have the slightest claim to be considered progressive are de lighted With the affair, and laud Mr. Clay, and everybody else concerned in thi dinner, to the skies, notwithstanding tho protests aud sneers of the Invalide Ilussr, tho mouthpiece of the old conser vative Russian nobility. The Moscow Gazette , an influential organ, among oth ers. says very significantly : " The United States must feel as much affronted by the Mexican expedition, as wo should be were France to seize what belong to us, or is to become ours. Mcx. ico is the Constantinople of the New World, and the Americans quite legiti mately desire to obtain possession of it. When our eagles are seen flying over the Hosphorus, and the American eagles arc' at Mexico, there will bo but two. great powers in tho world—Russia and the United States." Difficult as the juxtaposition in policy and harmony of action between two such Powers may seem, to American citizens who reflect upon the radical difference between the institutions and principles of the two Countries, some of the most in telligent European political writers find nothing insurmountable in that direction, but coolly speculate upon the reality of such designs aud such an alliance as arc hinted above. The Cciurrier (let Etat* Unit, the oldest established French organ on this Contiuent, has been universally regarded as uttering the views and senti ments of Napoleon 111, since he ascend ed the throne. If, with full apparent knowledge of its position, and claiming to be vol-ad in American, as well as French alia is, it calmly admits tho probability of such a combiautiou, and calculates the effect it would Lave in counterbalancing the western powers. But the most weigh ty utterance on this subject, and one that frankly commends itself to the attention of American statesmen and merchants— the terms are not infrequently synony mous—is the truly valuable essay of Mr. V.de Mars, iu the jjieat Parisian month- ly—the Revue ties Deux Mantlet, which employs some of the ablest and most ex perienced pens in Europe. Mr. de Mar* chiefly directs his attention to the ad vance of Russia in the farthest East which has so recently alarmed the Brit ish authorities, and the efTect of her di plomacy in China and Japan, but he dis cerns the great pait which the United States will be called upon to play in the Muscovite combinations, and thence, con cludes that it is across the Pacific tint the Czar will shake hands with tho Great Republic, lie is acquiring vast territo ries, and enriching his Empire with their resources, building railroads, and linking bis Pacific coast with those of California, and thereby, with the whole American continent, by lines of swift steamships and the electric telegraph, while the Western powers dream on in false secu rity, that he is merely recovering from the losses of the Crimean War. They will awaken one day, to find themselves outwitted and their commerce ruined.— Such arc some of the main ideas of M. de Mari. Rut we can do no better than to translate a few of the toiling passages of his valuable treatise. " Tho day he writes, "when Russian policy shall have succeeded iu acquiring the position it aims at iu the waters of the extreme East, the only force that could easily and seriously eombat her de signs, would be that other Power border ing on the Pacific, which also, seek to rule the Continent, where it now playsso grand a part. We speak of the United States of •America; but, between these two Powers, which have equal aspirations, which seom destined to confront each other, to clash together on that vast are na of the distant seas, there are more af finities than reasons for antagonism and incompatibility. They are separated in spirit, in manners, nud institutions, yet they syniyathizc, it is useless to deny, in a feeling more or less latent, 111 ro or less revealed,.of hostility to Europe. More over, it is through interest in time of peace, and even iu war, that they are drawn together in a certain solidarity, and led to multiply and bin(f more closely their tics of intercourse. This allianco which is but outlined as yet, no doubt, but of which, in the events of the last five ya»rs, more than one sympton lias been visible iu hightly significant occur rences, must strengthen with all the com mercial relations that will be quickly es tablished between California and the Amoor river, so soon as the grand lino of communication that is to unite New York, Boston, and the chief manufacturing cities of the Atlantic slope with San Francisco, that future port of transit for the commerce of America, with China and Japan, shall have been completed.— The American traders can then ascend the Auicor, spread through Sibeiia to the interior of Russia, in Europe, and easily defy English, Fienoli. or German compe tition, for tho very simple reason that goods which can be delivered on tho Auioor, after thirty or forty days only of navigation, can be sold inoie cheaply than those which shipped at Hamburg, Lon don, or Marseilles, have to double the cape of Good Ilope, and must consume 130 or 140 days in rnakiug the passage to the same point. * * * * Some idea may be formed of the mate rial advantages that the Americans will reap from intercourse of this kind with the Russians, by what they gain now.— It is enough to recall a single fact, which may be verified by a glance at the official statistics. From 1849 to I*6l, the Amer ican whaling vessels that fished in the seas of Okhotsk and Katnschatka earned for their underwriters, a profit oi 5140,- 000,000. What, then, would be the ben efils that the Americans must draw from the wealthy possessions of Russia, when they shall have had conceded to them, with ut competition, the steamship lines between tho Amoor, China, Japan, Cali fornia and the interior of Siberia; the mining of coal; the construction of rail roads and telegraphs, as wc now see the case in the work for the grand line of the Pacific Ocean telegraph. The Americans, who are prretioal men,, will not fail to lecognize the value of such relations, and of a good understand ing with tho Russian Empire. There will be found, nay, there have already found among them, minds to pro pagate the rather odd idea of a grand civilizing mission devolving upon the United States aud Russia, conjointly.— la it even impossible, that in certaiu ca ses, tho Government of St. Petersburg may find iu the "Yankees" active, or ut all events, efficacious coadjutors ! Ilere, England is, perhaps, the Power moat in terested. Suppose, for instance, that, at a given moineut, a war were to break out between Great Britain uud Russia.would it not be a magnificent chance for the American Ship owners who would have to embark on their neutral vessels the rich cargoes which Chiuese commerce would feat to entrust to tiro belligerant British on seas infested by Russian privateers. A Muscovite Admiral re ceiving orders by .telegraph from St. Pe tersburg, to sail out of Vladi Vostok and fall upon the enemy's commerce, might fuel sure, after having despatched his vessels in a'l directions, of finding ref uge and succor in the ports, the arsenals aril the navy yards of the United States. Nay, more, he would find American ves sels to bring to biui, from San Francisco, provisions, coal, munitions of war, and toman the prizes he might have taken from the enemy. It is needless to pen etrate farther into our speculations on this line. Who knows, however, that these reflections may not have weighed upon the course pursued by England for some years past ! Who knows, indeed that such a prospect map not have influ enced France, herself, in her recent enigmatic and provident reserve in the affairs of Europe, and that Mexico, for instance, is not looked upon as. in some measure, a counterojove to the United States ami Russia. It is sufflcieut to propound these ques tions in order to find ourselves confront ing problems of all kinds, raised by Rus sian progress in the remotest East. The clearest, undoubtedtyjis that tint alliance between Russia and [the United Slates, is not, absolutely, a chimerical vision ; t hat, not ouly does the Oriental policy of St. Petersburg, by no means, impede, but rather serve ii; that uot ouly is it possi ble, but eveu defined, in certain eventu alities, and that the Americans, them selves. regard it as nothiug extraordina ry. It is, in fine, so to speak, sue of the elements of the politics of' to-day." The French writer might have added, had he chanced to remember it, that the Russian Possessions of this Continent are not otjly vast in exten*, and favora ble in posi!ion, but so strongly held, that during the Crimean struggle, an Allied fleet recoiled with damage from a futile attack upon one of their sea-coast fort resses. lie might, also, have said, had ho known it, that the Washington Gov ernment have long held in their keeping, very explicit documents elucidating this whole subject. The most impressive de duction that we make from the article 111 the Re.vve des Dcitux Momlcs , is, that the influence of this country has sudden ly become paramount in the commercial and political councils of mankind, and that iu the hints it gives respecting the mercantile opportunities in oriental Rus sia, our business men may see a great and gonial light shod upon the future of our struggle, first for existence and then for supremacy, with tho trade and manu factures of Western Europe To SOFTEN OM> PUTTY.— In remov ing old broken panes from a window, it is generally very difficult to get off the hard, dry putty, that sticks round the glass and Irame. To do this easily," dip a small brush in nitric or muriatic acid to be obtained at the druggist's and go over the putty with it. Let it rest awwilfy i.nd it will soon become so soft that you can remove it with easo. —An old lady was asked, what she thought of one of her neighbor by the name of Jones, and with very knowing look she replied : "Why, I don't like to say any thing about my neighbors; but r.s to Mr. Jones —sometimes I think—and tljen, again, I don't know—but, after a 11,1 rather guess he'll turn out a good deal such a sort of a man as I take him to be !" Non-committal—rather. DISAPPOINTED PICKPOCKET. —Well, if this ain't mean ! Hero's this feller agoiu about with this hero yaller chain, and when I pulls it out there's no watch on the end of it. The conduct of these flashy clerks is enough to break the heart of a poor feller liko me, as has to depend on his trade for a livin. —A wife in San Francisco lately pe titioned for divorce on (ho ground that her husband was a "confounded fool." The Judge, who was an old batchcdor, wouldn't admit tho plea, because every man would be liable to the same imputa tion who gets married. —A child seventeen months old fell «j\er the railing of a porch from the third floor of a house, in St" Louis, the other day, and, strange to Bay, the babe was but very little hurt: —Tho number of young Sjutherners, of both sexes, who are pre.ttut seekiug employment in the Northern cities is al most iucredible. .It is said that IU New Vork alone there are more than filty thousand of Southern born and bred per sons seek.ng their fortunes. NUMBER 19 WXBPDM. "So many men, so mauy minds." Not always the ease. A gentleman ask ed a crowd to imbibo the other day 1 hey were all of one mind and partook. —"Deal gently with the (h)erring," as the Cockney fish-dealer said to a cus tomer. A wag says of women : "To her virtue we give love ; to her beauty, ad miration ; and her hoops the whole pave ment.'' —Why i-i a constant attendant at auc .tiou an unpleasant fellow ? Bscause he' 4 for-bidden. "A bird in hand is worth two iu the bush." As for us, wo had rather hav# two turkey buzzurds in the bush than one in the haud. —A very volatile young lord, whos« j conquests in the female world were num | bcrless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said his wife, "1 hope you'll mend."— "Madam," said lie, "this is my last fol ly," Scicuce docs more for the brute than the man. Figs, attacked by the most fatal disorders, are frequently cured after death. —\V hy is a generous man a good Chris tiad ? Because he's for-giving. A conductor out West recently de manded two tickets ol the Simese twins, but the twins insisted they were one, and as the conductor couldn't eject one with out the other he had to let them pass. —The first and greatest thing in rhet oric is to have something to say. —"Out of sight, out of mind." We don t Bee it. We lost our wallet tho oth er day and it hain't been out of our mind since. —An invalid once sent for a physic ian, and after detaining him for somo time with a description of his pains,aches, etc., he thus summed up. "IVOW, doc tor, you have humbugged mo too long with you<- good for nothing pills and worthless sirups; they don't touch the roal difficulty. J wish you now to strike at tho cuuse of my ailnieuts, if it is in your power to reach it.""lt shall ba done," said the doctor, at tho same time lilting his cane and demolishing a decan ter of gin that stood on tho side-board. —A clergyman was addressing his hearers with some warmth regarding the great power which the devil exorcises over the minds of men generally, and just as he had conio to a climax orf this point a bewildered dug, which had en tered the church in .search of his ir-aoter, uttered a loud bark, when, with a flash of bis eye, aud giving the Bible board a tremendous thump, the reverend gentle men exclaimed, "Ah, yes, my friends ! the foul fiend is so bent on recruiting his ranks that lie has sent that dog in hero to-day to interrupt my speakiug and car ry away your minds." —"Do you believe in the appearance of spirits, father ?" asked a rather fast young man of his indulgent sire. "No, Tom, but I believe in their disappear ance, since I missed my bottlo of Bour bon last night," said tho old gentlemon, looking hard at Tom. But Tom didn't seem to take the hint, although it wai evident he had taken the Bourbon. —A gallant officer having been asked by the fair daughter of a prominent phil anthropist whether he was an abolition ist, replied, "I am more than an aboli tionist; for over since I first met you, Mi<s J , I have been a sla"vo." California has long been celebrated for ' big things,'' animal and vegotablei and the following adds to the list: Before Justice F , at San Juan, Nevada County, waa brought a Hiberni an, charged with assault ond battery up on a fellow countryman. Many witness es were examined ; and, finally, Jimmy C was called to the stand. "Mr. C , state what you know about this case." "Well, your Honor. Barney and Pat rick had a bit of a quarrel about some wood they had been cutting. They were standing near tho wood pile in front of the house, and after jawing a httlo Barney picked up a bit of a sliver, and give Patrick a little tap on tho head, and he went over onto the wood-pile—and that was all there was about it." JUSTICE F . "You say Barney hit Patrick on the heud with a bit of a sliver. What kind of a sliver was that ?" "Well, your honor, 'twa 1 * a small thing —a bit of a chip." "Hut we waut to know how big it wa«; give us your idea of ihe size ol it." "Well, your-liouor [alter some hesi tation], I Hung it was about two feet lung, and about as Oig around as my wrdl!"
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers