ane Forest Republican la published every Wednesday, by J. E. WENK. Office la Smeirbaugh ft Ca'i Building ELM BTBEET.TIOSESTA, FA. Termi, - Ol.OOPer Year, Ho subscriptions received for shorter period than thru months. - Correspondence solloltai from all parts ol tba eouutry. No nodoe will bo taken of nuonymous ooaiuiunlaailous. RATES OF ADVERTISINCi ORE EPUBLICAN One Square, one Inch, one insertion.. I 100 One hquare. one inch, otM month. ., (W Una Square, ona inch, tbrae months. . 5 00 Ona Square, uua inch, ona year..... 10 00 lwo Squares, one year.... IStfl Quarter Column, ona year... . ...... 9)00 Half Coluuiu, ona year. 50(M Una Column, one year 100 00 Legal advertisement ten centi par line each insertion. Marriages and deith notices gratis. All bills for yearly advertisemauU collected quarterly Temporary advertisement must be paid in advance. Job work cash on deliver. VOL. XXXI. NO. 10. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24, 1808. 81.00 PER ANNUM. R ST The U inted States acreage iu grain is greater thau the entire area of the Gertuan Empire. What can you expect of a country Kke Spuiu. 'whcu, iu the time of her disaster, a bull fighter continued to 1e the most popular mau in the land? Forty thousand tous of American .coal were sent to Admiral Dewey at sr....:i.. ti.-l Ta -i i. l lUltllllll. 1UII aiUOIIIil Ol IUOI OUgUt yyike things l-eusonably warm for f"u7 attempts to upset his plans. - mre effective t linn poor gunners with good Hhips, but the American com bination of the best gunners with the 3ost Hhips bcuts them all. Manila knows this and so does Santiago. The (linking of the French steamer La Bourgogne with its loss of over Uve butidrod lives is au appalling dis t inter iu the commercial marine, a dis . inter relieved, iu its terrible features jf cowardly inhumanity,- only by the jouiago of its captain, who stuck to lis jioHt to tho' Jost and wont down .vitb his nhip, thinks the Trenton (N. . J.) True Americati. The Traus-Siberiau Railway, ao jording to United States Consil Smith, jf Moscow, has cost, in the five years, 1893 to 1897, inclusive, $188,014,938. In addition to the above, $5,971663 ads been spent for topographical and iHtroiioinicul work, irrigation, surreys, geological study, agricultural instru ncnts, etc., connected with tho de velopment of tho country adjacent to 'he railway. In 189U the total farm capital in the United States, exclusive of cash iu :iuukMf owners, was-, in round num )ers, sixteen billions of dollars. The ' xital value of farm products in 18.89 as also in round numbers, two aud ine-hulf billions of dollars, which was, iubstantially, fifteen aud one-half fer cent, upon the capital invested. Out of this income, however, all ex penses wero paid, including support f owners' families. The percentage )f profit upon farm capital has been iteadily decreasing for several dV :adcs, and the next ceusus will doubt 'oss show a greater decrease lhan tver, unless there should bo a tie bided decrease in the estimate of farm falues. All this shows that farming !s constantly becoming a closer busi lotrH, with less aud less margin for miscalculation and waste, observes the San Francisco Chronicle. The long-talked-of telephonic com munication between the two Russian jnpitals, Moscow and St. Petersburg, 's likely this year to become an ac . .'oinplished fact. The undertaking is under the control of . the Imperial' Telegraph Department, and the -stations will be at the chief telegraph office in either city. As the average speed of ordinary telegraphic dis patches between Moscow and St. Petersburg, which are four hundred miles apart, is about that of the rail way, ten or twelve hours being con sidered good time, the new telephone will prove au inestimable ' boon to' business mon, who in caso of urgency . nre now obliged to pay three times' the ordinary tariff to get their dis patches through as "special" mes sages. The line is not likely to be actually in working order before Octo ber, and it is said that the price for five minutes' conversation will probably be a l i I 1 1 1 i p i nxeu i a tune over Bevemy-nve cents. Interesting data recently .compiled' show the world's total output of gold for the year ending December 31', 1897, This is fixed at the prodigious . sura of $255,000,000, but indication's make it probable that this year's out put will be much, larger, on account of recent discoveries in the Klondike and in other' localities, thinks tho At lanta Constitution. Ill the following table is given the output of each of , the gold-producing countries for the past calendar .year: - Transvaal . 164,000,000 United States .CO.000,000 Australia 61.000.000 Russia 32.iOO .000 British India . 7,000,000 Canada 7,000,000 Mexico 6,500,000 China .... 6,500,000 United Stutes ol Colombia ... 4,000,000 Krltlsu Ouiaua 2,500,000 Brazil : 2,500,000 Other countries 11,500,000 From the figures cited in the fore going table it appears that considera bly more than two-thirds of the gold produced in the world last year was produced under the flags of Great Britain and the United States, or; iu other words, within tho territory be - longing to tho Anglo-Saxon race. But the lignrBMMied in the foregoing tablo represent only one phase of the enor mous wealth in possession of Great Britain aud tho United States. A LAY OF lere I am, perched at my open case ment, Enjoying the laugh ot some unseen miss ."hat comes rippling up from some room In tbe basement Just below this. fornlng, noon and night I can bear her Bubbling away with ber chatter and chaff, tnd It seems as It all oroution near her hWasjust a-laugh. Picture her! Isn't her face just made for it Crinkled and curved for the'laugblng lit? Could 'she be solemn, d'ye think, If paid for It? Dlvll a bit! t ean funcy tbe dimples her cheeks Imprint ing And see the mouth corners upward run. can catch her eyes with tbe frolic glinting, Brimful of (un. SSANFOED'S QdfavOOGOGOOOOOGOOO By WALTER BLISS NEWGEON LITTLE after eight o'clock on the morn ing of a pleasant June day a number of bright, active look ing young follows were gathered in the office of the Post. They sat around in a longing fashion, as if waiting for some one to appear. At length the door opened and a tall, slightly-stooping, scholarly, looking man entered. "Good-morning, gentlemen!" he called out cheerily as he entered. "Good-morning, Mr. Chipulan," was the reply, uttered in unison. "The first business of the day is far ns all to become acquainted with one another, and then we will proceed to prepare the first number of the Crau dall Post," he said. Introductions followed. The men forming the editorial and reportorial staffs of the new paper Were gathered from all over the country. The Post was backed by a syndicate of business men and politicians who considered their little city entitled to a daily paper embracing their political faith. Chipmnn, the city oditor of the Times, the only daily iu 'Crandall, had been chosen editor-in-chief, and he it was who had gathered ulTout him this staff of assistants. First of all must be mentioned Mur dock, day editor) Next him in rank was the city editor, "Joe" Farroll, a young Irishman from Connecticut, who always deolared comically that ho was a Spaniard. The next man to bo introduced was George Edward Hunt ington, called G. Eddie. He was a boy just out of the high school who wanted to become a journalist. I IWhen Mr. Chipmau presented San ford to us we all looked at him. Tall, slender, with handsome curly hair and a long blonde mustache, he looked a regular lady's man. We set him down as a feissr" right away. "An KstEeW'-I dubbed him when talking to Joe Farrell later. "An ass, rather," replied Joe. lie came highly recommended by a Boston paper, however, so he was made a reporter at a fair salary. The other reporters wero Crandall boys. Then there was the little French artist, and last of all, your humble servant, the telegupph editor. . Mr. Chipman having introduced the various members of his staff to each oilier,- the group broke up, the chief going to his. newly furnished sanetnuj, Murdock into his cuddy, Farrell and the men 'under him into the ojty r6om, where the telegraph in strument and my desk we-also lo cated, the reporters to .their various assignments. And so the dew paper was in train.: The Times having had its own way iu Craudall for so many years, it was only natural that the starting of a new paper Xo dispute the 'field with them should have -made the 'ruifuagers sore. The rivalry between, the editof s ex tended alown to the very devil in the press" room. Especially was it bitter between the reporters. The Times men -cotfldT say anything 'mean enough abouV the -Pos.t men. - Snuford was at once picked out by the Times as a scapegoat Anoon of the first -day" he went to a restaurant frequonted by newspaper men. lie took a seat at a table beside one at which -two Times uien w.ere dining. They were apparently deeply engaged in conversation, not psjiag any atten tion to their fellow oiuilj-driyer of the Post. Their conversation ,was carried on rJrSo lond a vqice, however, that Sanford could notjielp over-hearing what they were saying. Their talk was of a horrible murder committed the night before in the little town of Barlow, some ten miles north of Cran dall. Sanford drank in all they said, bis journalistic nostrils scenting a story afar. He hurriedly finifched Jus dinner and went out. "Dollars t6 djughnuts that chump will start for Barlow inside an hour," laughed one of the Times men. "Oh, but he's fruit!'' exeluinied the other, udso laughing. They finished their meal at their loisure, and, lighting cigars, left the plac.e. They werejoutside Just in time to see Sanford whirl by behind a pair of spirited bay horses. They stood and watched him as he drove op the street like a whirlwind, not a smile be traying their inward mirth. "The bill for that team will make it bowl iu tho Post office," remarked one, after Sanford was out of sight. Meanwhile there were howk already goiag on at the Post office. They were auaoua to get out a particularly bright, Pl A LAUGH. She must be pretty to laugh so prettily Btiou a laugh couldn't belong to a (rump; Humorous, too, to see things wittily Probably plump. Thero, now, she's off again. Teal upon peal of It, Clear as a clnrlllon, soft as a bell. Wby, It's tufectlousi I'm catching the feel ot Itl Chuckling as well. What! Was I dreaming? That musical melody Trips up the scale, arpeggio. So like a voice that was hushed ab, wella day Long, long ago. Holgh hoi To think ot what little straws tickle us! Just a girl's laugh and my laughing one lies Silent, and I well, now, this Is ridiculous Tears In my eyes. KEVENGKEi newsy paper on this first day, and here it was after noon, with one reporter missing. Farrell was fretting and fuming when a boy from the stable which furnished Sanford his turnout walked leisurely into the office, bear ing a hastily written missive from the missing man. It read thus: ' "Just heard ot great murder at Barlow. Have hired team and gone up to get story. Hold paper until you hear from me again "BisroRD." "Say, Jack," said Joe, turning to me, "that mau ain't such a fool, after all. Bead this." I took tho note and glanced hur riedly through it. Them I read it again. I don't know, but I seemed to have a presentiment that Sanford would get no story. "Sanford may be all right, Joe," oaid I, "but I should let the paper go to press at the usual hour, aud then if his story is anything big we cau get out au extra." "I guess you're right," answered Farrell. "I'll go and see the old man, any way.8' . ' Mr. Chipman agraed with me, and the paper went to press at the usual hour without any story concerning a muider a Barlow. W,e got out no ex tra, either, for 'about five o'clock San ford burst iuto the office and threw himself into a chair. Ue was the maddest mau I ever saw. "Gentlemen," shid he, just mako a note to the effect that James Robin son Sanford is the most unmitigated fool in Christendom. "What is tho matter, Mr. Sanford?" asked Mr. Chipman. "I am a confounded fool," Mr. Chipman," answered Sauford, his high-pitched, feminine voice making his language irresistibly funny. After much persuasion he told us tho whole story, ending with the re mark "And that livery mau charged me ten dollars for the team. I'll pay it now, but those ruffians from the Times will pay it eventually." "The Post will assume the bill, Mr. Sanford," said the-chief editor, kindly. "J shall pay it myself, Mr. Chip man," replied Sanford. "If I am fool enough to go off on such a wild goose chase I am willing to foot the bills. As for murders, I am afraid there will be a double one when I meet those Tim.es men on the street." - Sanford was true to his word; he paid all the expenses connected with hie journey to Barlow, and in a week's time we had forgotten the cir cumstance. The first outburst of jealousy over, the Times men became quite friendly with the Post men, and after old lorn Shannon, the retired pressman of the Times, opened up a small restaurant just around the corner from the post office, it was no rare sight to see Times men aud Post men mingled promiscn ously abont the tables in his back room. We sometimes had a gay time together, even going so far as to start a press club. In business we were still rivals, each paper constantly en deavoriug to get a "scoop" on the other, but socially every one except the chief editors were good friends. We soon found that our first im pression of Sanford was an entirely erroneous one. ue was one oi me best fellows that ever lived, aud turned ont to be, moreover, a news paper man of the first water. His Barlow experience was never repeated, It was his first and last wild goose chase. The Post boys were not long in learning tltat Sauford was not tiepen- dent upon his salary. He and his sis ter were orphans and almost alone in the world. They had iuherited con siderable property from their father. They hired a pleasant place in a fash ionable part of the town, and Sandy's house was always open to bis fellow journalists. Tbe little sister was somewhat of an attraction to the boys, but she treated us all alike, so there is no romance in my little. tale. Tho Post was a trine over six months old when, one morning in De cember, each member of the Post and Times forces received through the mail the following invitation: "Mr. James Kobinson Sanford re quests the pleasure of your presence at a bachelor party to be given to the newspaper men of Crandall at bis rest donee. Ono hundred aud eighty Hun gerford Avenue, Saturday evening, December twenty-three, 1895, at eight o'clock' ' The eventful evening arrived, and a coodly company "of journalists gatu erod in the pleasant Sanford residence on Uuncerford avenue. Crandall had not yet rtsched the dignity, if dignity it can be called, of possessing "a Sun day paper, so Saturday evening was an open one for all the newspaper men in the cuy. Among the company were Benhain aud Stevens, the two men who had sent Sanford on a ten-mile ride to Barlow after a murder that never took place. To all outward ap pearances the incident was long sinds forgotten, but, as we soon learned, the whole evening's enjoyment was only an adjunct to a carefully concocted plan of Sandy's to pay them off. Out of doors it was a terrible night, very cold and stormy, a steady fall of snow and sleet being driven against the panes by a fierce northwest wind. The weather bureau must have been taken into Sandy's confidence. In doors all was life and cheerfulness. We were gathered iu a large. apart ment on the second floor, used by our host as his own private louuging-room. In the fireplace burned a bright and roaring wood fire. The room abounded in comfortable easy chairs, and each chair contained a happy journalist. Suoh a meeting as this always brings eujoyment to a Bohemian. - Inspired by the cheerful fire, we waxed talkative, and many a good story was related. Several of the company were accomplished musi cians, and varied the talk by selec tions, both vocal and instrumental. After two hours or more had pleas antly passed in this manner, Sandy's sister invited us down stairs to par take of refreshments. Led by her brother we went to the dining-room and took seats around the well laden table. Wo had hardly seated our selves, however, when the bell rang. Old Aunt Sallie, the servant, answered the summons. She returned at once bearing a letter which bad been left by a messenger boy. It was addressed to Benham of the Times. He read it, and then threw it impatiently across the table to Stevens. "What is it?" we asked, seeing by their looks it was unwelcome. Stevens read to us as follows: "Mr. Benham: I bavo just received word of a bad wreck on tho railroad at Smith town. A passenger train collided with a freight, causing great loss ot life and prop erty. Oo down and get all vou can about it. We will get out a paper to-morrow if the news warrants It. Take a team to Cbnppell's Station. I will wire further Instructions to you at that point, and will provide transportation from there to Smith town. "Dowses, city editor, Times." "P. 8. Take Stovens with you and hove him make a few sketches. D." "Well, are you going?" asked one of the company. "I suppose we aliall have to," re sponded Benham. Without waiting to finish the repast they left the table, and, donning their caps and ulsters, went out into the storm. It was an awful night to send men after news, no matter how im portant it might be; but when the true reporter gets an order to go, he goes with never a thought of the difficulties awaiting him. As they closed the outside door, a fierce gust of wind assailed them that almost took their breath away, They bent their heads to the blast and slowly plowed their way down the street to the nearest stable. The place was closed, but their repeated knocks awakened the night hostler, who was taking a quiet nap on the sly. "Hitch np a pair, of horses for us, and drive us down to Chappell's Station, ordered Benham. "I will for a ten dollar bill," said the sleepy hostler. "Never mind the tax," said Stevens. "The Times will pay that." It took some time an hour it seemed to the waiting ahd impatient men to hitch up; but all things were finally accomplished, and the two men, bundled np in fur robes, climbed in behind the driver, and they started toward the little country station, six miles away, at as good a pace as the fierce wind and deep snow allowed. It was an awfnl ride, bundled up though they were a rido neither of them ever forgot. Nevertheless tho thought of the big story to be obtained, made them fairly content with the hardships involved. Although the distance was only six miles, it took them an hour aud a half to acomplish it, 'and it was just midnight when their sleigh drew up beside the platform of the little station. There was a turnout at Chappell's where trains often met, so there was au operator on duty at night. They could see him now sitting at his instru ment, writing as if taking a message Both men alighted. "You can go back," said Benham, to the driver. "We are going on down the road." "All right, sir," he answered. He wasted no time, but, turning his horses' head homeward, started off toward Craudall at a rapid pace. They stood on the platform and watched the sleigli until it disappeared over the first hill, then entered the station. The operator glanced np from his writiug as he heard the door open. "Have yon any message for Ben ham?" asked the owner of that name. "Yes, sir," he answered; "it has just come." He handed the reported a slip of yellow paper. Benham read it through in silence and gave it to his compan ion without any comment. These were the words that stared at the two men: "Do you remember sending an unsophis ticated young man tea miles off in the country on a wild goose chase last sum mer? You have been sent on a similar errand, (let back to Crandall as best you can. Kevenge Is sweet. Haxtuuv." "Well, I'll be darned!" exclaimed Stevens. "I supposed he had forgotten that thing long ago; I had myself." "I suppose we deserve it, but it comes hard a night like this. The ouly thing to do is to take our medi cine like men and go home as if noth ing bad happened," said Benham. "Yes, but how are you going to get there?" asked Stevens. "You sent the team away." "The deuce!" was Benham'a only reply. "1 say, Mr. Operator, where cau we. find a place to sleep to-night?" asked Stevens. "The only place Pknow of around here is out in the freight room. There is a lot of baled wool out there. It will make a soft bed." So the two jokers spent the remain der of the night on the soft Bide of two wool bales. Sanford was revenged. Waverley Magazine. SCIENTIFIC AND INOUSTRIAL. Almonte, Ontario, has a woolen factory which uses compressed air as motive power. A procession of icebergs sent against the surface of the snu would melt at the rate of 300,000,000 cubic miles of solid ice a second. The discovery has beeu made that metal filings of any kind can be com pressed iuto bars which will stand as severe tests as the original bars which supplied the filings. A process has been recently per fected by which thin sheets of abso lutely transparent celluloid are sil vered by a similar proctss to that formerly used on glass. Typhoid fever in Italy seems to be of a milder type than it used to be. In 1894 Milan had 4u'8 cases of the dis ease and 209 deaths, while in 1897 she had 1525 cases and only 242 deaths. The Journal furGoldschmiedekuiist states that precious stones may lose their color in the light. A ruby left for two years in a show window be came lighter in tint than a twin stone kept ifi the dark. Similar effects have been observed with emeralds and Bapphires. Cheaper gems, such as garnet and topaz, lose their tints even more quickly. Count de Barthelemy, who traveled recently across Iudo-Chiua, has brojght to the monkey house of the Jardiu des Plautes, Paris, two fine specimens of the Semnopitheo mon keys, which are among the most curi ous of the monkey tribe. As their name indicates, they are venerable in appearance, and resemble old scholas tic doctors with gray beards and black velvet skull caps. . The Dispensary on a Warship. 1 1 In most of tho modern war vessels the dispensary takes tho form of a tiny stateroom, some seven feet square, ad joining the "sick-bay," as tho ship's hospital is termed, which is on the berth-deck in the bow of the vessel. The sick-bay thus possesses the ad vantage of having port-holes on both sides, which insures good natural ven tilation and light. The berth of the apothecary which also does duty as a sofa with drawers below it for his personal effects, occupies one side of his stateroom. Another side is occu pied by a dispensing counter, below which are drawers containing a por tion of the stock of drugs. The liquid preparations are contained iu bottles on shelves above the dispensing counter, each bottle being held in place by meaus of spring clips. The counter is provided with scales, grad uates, pill-tiles, mortars, spatulas, etc., and also a set of instruments for minor surgery. In a medical store room, usually located somewhere near the dispensary, the reserve supplies are kept, as are also the medical chests aud outfits for boats aud land ing parties. This storeroom is under the care of the ship's apothecary. QThe apothecary, yeomen, and others charged with special duties form a class called "idlers on ship-board, as they do not Lave to stand watch nor take any part in the ordinary routine of the work and drill of the ship's crew. New York PoBt. fiabbath Worship or the Shakers. "Sabbath worship is usually con ducted at the public church, where visitors from the world are free to at tend," writes Madeline S. Bridges, of the Shakers of Mt. Lebanon, New York, in the Ladies' Home Journal. "Four sisters and four brethren stand in the centre of the room and form a doable quartette. The Shaker dance, bo miscalled, is in reality a more or less stately march, in which all tlic members join the brethren in a pro cession, two by two, followed by the sisterhood in like order. They move in step to the hymns they are singing, either slowly or quickly, as the meas ure of the time demands. The ritual is of the simplest: Testimony of faith fervently uttered by those who feel impelled to speak, a few earnest words of exhortation from the Elders, the march aud the singing of hymns. "Something curious iu regard to these Shaker hymns is tho fact that they are claimed to be largely inspira tional the music and words come to gether 'as gifts,' and frequently to those who aro not musical. For in stance, very often a tap will Hound on the door of a musical sister, and an unmusical sister will enter with the announcement, 'Sister, a song has just come to me. Cau you take the words, and note it for me?' " The Way or Military ilrls. Two or three pretty maids, with tho war spirit sparkling iu their eyes and tongues, were talking about tho vari ous officers they had been meeting, the mother of one of them listening in silent pleasure to tbe chatter. "Who is it, Kutb," she asked ol her daughter, when the others hail gone, "you speak of an Mr. Sixteen inch?" "Oh," laughed the girl, "that'i Lieutenant Blank of the artillery." "And wby do yon cull him Sixteen inch?" "Because, mamma, he's such a greal bore, don't you know." New York Sun. A Drawing For Leathrr Mion. When shoes have become stiff from being wet a good dressing which wil. make them soft is composed of vase liue or glyecriue aud vinegar. When the shoes aro wet stuff them will) paper, which will absorb the moisture, aud thou apply the vaseline dressiug. mE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. 9n Duty A Clever Weman Sot Guilty A Greater Danger Mlsamlemtooil She Was Surprised Valor Ma.trrly Inactivity Spoke From Kiperlence. Tbe balls went plcrolue through tho air Throughout the woary night, But still he kept upon his beut Till came the morniug light. Nuy, reader; 'twas no picket-guard Patrolling bravely there; It was but Newpop, aud tbe bawls Camo from bis son and heir. Judge. A (ireater Danger. "Floriuda, if we should elope would your father pursue us?" "No, I think he would move so we wouldn't find him when we got ready to come back." Chicago Becord. A Clever Woman. "There is a young woman who makes little thiugs count." "How does she do it?" "Teaches mathematics in tho pub ic school." Philadelphia Bulletin. Not (iullly. "Now, prisoner, this lady states ;hat you tried to run off with her. What have you to say?" "Yer Wuship, I thought she was a Teak, nud I was goiug to take her aack to the museum. I didn't want her." rick-Me-Up. IrrculKtlhlc. "Do you want any young onions?" isked the truck peddler at tho door. "No, we have more iu the house low than we cau possibly use. " "But I'm selling them at a cent a bunch, madam." "Give me fifteen bunches." Do joit Press. Like Home of Her Elders. "Every morniug on tho way to jchool," said the little miss, "tho boys catch me aud kiss me." "Why don't yon run uway from ihem?" asked her father. "Because," replied the little edi liou of Eve, "maybe they won't chase aie." Chicago PohI. Misunderstood. "She told me she admired my great uuiplieity of speech when I proposed !o her." "Well, was that what made you mad?" "Yes; aud I retuiudod her that when the nocepted me she talked just as sim ple as I did." Detroit Free Press. Hlie Was Surprised. Mrs. Huntley "It must have beeu lunoyiug to have had to appear in jourt. What did you do when they sked you to give your age?" Mes. Dustleigh "Why, I gave it, )f course, thirty-ouo." "My goodness! Aud they didn't ane you for contempt?" Chicago News. Masterly Inactivity. "Let me kiss your Dewey lips," nrged the youth iu the parlor. "Young man," roared a voice from ibove, "the bombardment will opeu is soon as I can got down stairs." Then the hapless youngster organ ized himself iuto a Hying squadron md made a fleet disappearance. De troit Free Press. Spoke From Esperlcnte. Buxom Widow (at evening party) Do you understand the lauguuge of dowers, Dr. Crusty?" Dr. Crusty (au old bachelor) "No, ma'am." Widow "You dou't know if yellow aieans jealousy?" Dr. Crusty "No, ma'am. Yellow meaas biliousness!" Tid-Bits. The Cupllnl I'ocm. The poet had handed in his effu sion, nud it warmed his heart to hoar the editor exclaim again and ngain, "Capital," "Capital." "Capital!" "Then you like it?" said the poet. "Oh, I'm not reading it," replied the unfeeling editor; "I am only tak ing cognizance of tho fact that each liue begiuswith a capitul letter. From thut I infer it is poetry." Few of 'Km Do. The justice hadn't marriod many peoplo before; that whs why he folt called upon to be somewhat solemn on this occasion. "Do you realize the full extent of the obligations that you are assum ing?" he asked the groom. "S-s-sh!" cautioned the bride. "Course he don't, Jedgo, or he'd cut au' run, but what's that to you? 'Tuin't your business to scure him off, is it?" Ain't you goiu to give a poor woufau no show at all?" Chicago Post. Why She Was I'lcaseil. "Sho was fairly beaming when they met. "What's the matter?" asked ber best friend. "George is going to the war," she answered. "But I dou't see anything pleasant about thut." "Well, yon see, it's just this ay," she explained. "Nothing short of the shock of being ordered into active ser vice ever would have given him the nerve to propose. That's worth some risk." Chicago Evening Post. KitMlly Ac-rompllMlif'd. Young Puppertou "Wife has gmie shopping and left me in charge of the baby, aud I am regularly put to it to know how to keep the little follow quiet." Grimshaw (after regarding the howl ing and contorting juvenile critically) "I should think you coiild easily keep him quiet, both iu a vocal and physical way, by gagging him care fully, tying bis hands behind his back, binding his feet together, tiailing his clothes to the Hoor, and then a luiiu isteriug chloroform to him." 1'uek LETTERS FROM CAMP. Takes absence to rattle a feller, aa' make him understand The worth ota wifely voice, the strength ot a wifely band; An' the little old farm seems dearer, tho cottage In town the same; They loom as a sacred plotur' with an aureal fer the frame! Takes absence to stir up a feller, an" show him mistakes he's made Neglect of the hearts that loved him, when the suu should have drIV out the shade; An' I tell you at last, my darliu' ere the llghtln' is over an' done. It takes a few weeks in the shudders to set us a-prizln' the sun. Takes absence to soften a teller au' the bane of selllshuess kill. In the cuwp wheu night is broodlu' an' everything is still; An' u smell of the clover blosfoms nn' a hint of your dear eyes' gleams But tears ain't the thing (er a soldier; good-night an' the sweetest dreams! -Will T Hale. HU M0. OF THE DAY. "Wibley is most happy when with his inferiors." "Unhappy man!" Cincinnati Enquirer. Wiggs "Was the hour lute when you arrived?" Waggs "No, the hour was on time. I was a trifle lute, however." She "I'd like to take a ride on the tandem." He "All right; I'm the man to second your motion." 'New York World. Willie 'Ta, what do they make talking machines of?" His Father "Tho first one was made out of a rib, my son." Life. His Ma "Tommy! Tommy! Don't yon hear me calling you?" Tommy "No, ma not a word. Please holler a little louder." "A man can't be in two places at once," observed his friend. "Oh, I don't know," replied the office holder, reflectively. Puck, He "Then you thiuk kissing is not wrong?" She "The idea! Why, I wouldn't be seen doing such a thing!" Cincinnati Enquirer. "Isabel wants to sell her grand father's slock." "Is she in reduced circuuistauces?" "So; she has bought an older one." Detroit Free Press. Friend "Why are you joiuiug the audieuce in hissing your own pluy?" Author "If I don't they'll Hud out I'm the author." New York Journal. Mother "Dear mo! The baby has swallowed that piece of worsted." Father "That's nothing to the yarns she'll have to swallow if she lives to grow up." Friend "Do you raise vegetables?" Suburbanite (sadly) "No, I only plant them; and, as you will observe, my neighbors' chickens raise them." Judge. Mrs. Newed (engaging cook) "Have you had much experience?" Cook "Yes, mum; I've worked for tin families in th' lasht two wakes." Harlem Life. "We've got to economize," said Mr. Gargoyle to his wife. "Very well," replied the good woiuun, cheerfully. "You shnve yourself aud I'll cut your hair." Tit-Bits. "Is he a muu whom one cau trust?" asked Gazzum of Maddox, speaking of Twitters. "He is a man who is will ing to be trusted with auything." Detroit Free I'tcss. Mother "What! Swiugiug the cat by its tail again! How ofteu have I told you to be kind to dumb animals." Tommy "But, mu, she ain't dumb; listen to her holler!" "I suppose thero is a great deal of interest in His Lordship since his marriuge?" "Certainly. It y highly interesting to see him with visible meaus of support." Puck. "This war will do nsgood, I know." "In what wc7?" "My husband probably will come home feeling brave enough to help me discharge Bridget." Chicago Becord. "Will you be brave and tight for your country, Henry?" "Well, I will fight for my country; but I tell you honestly, I shall bo scared to d'iath until I find myself safe home sgaiu." Miss Spacer"! suppose when a joke gets iuto au almanac it is sup posed to be old." Mr. Scribbler "Oh, no! a joke cannot really be called old until it gets iuto au Eng lishman." Puck. "The subject of Alice's graduation essay, you remember, was 'Aim High.'" "Yes.". "Well, she haR been throwing herself at the new preacher's head, and ho is six feet tall. "Cincinnati Enquirer. "Here," said tho ambitious board er, "is au advertisement of bicyile clothes. Do bicycles have to wei r clothes?" "Every well enameled wheel," said the Cheerful Idiot, "has. at least four coats." ludiuuapolm Journal. - "I asked little Jim the difference between 'inertia' and 'momentum.'" "Did he know anything about it?" "Yes; he said 'inertia' is something that won't start and 'momentum' is something that wou't stop." De troit Free Press. Mrs. Wiggles--"! didn't know that Mr. Binks hud a title." Mrs. Wag plea "Neither did I. What is it?" Mrs. Wiggles "Well, his servant says thut everything comes addressed 'James Binks, ('. (. D.'" Somer ville (Mass.) Journal. Mrs. Brown "I see in tho paer that they won't allow any man to en list who can't read aud write the Eng lish hwiguuge." Mr. Bron-"Writ the English language? Graciou ! Are they only going to take ci.llegj pro lessors and a few literary lueu." Harper's Bazar. "Pardon me, sir." said the burglar, "but I'm going to a ball and mistook the house." "Nj mistake," said tho householder; "don't apologize. Tho bull is here!" aud ho covered the in truder with his revolver until the minion of the law made his tardy up pettruuee. Pick Mo-l'p.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers