ane Forest Republican
la published every Wednesday, by
J. E. WENK.
Office la Smeirbaugh ft Ca'i Building
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VOL. XXXI. NO. 10. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24, 1808. 81.00 PER ANNUM.
R
ST
The U inted States acreage iu grain
is greater thau the entire area of the
Gertuan Empire.
What can you expect of a country
Kke Spuiu. 'whcu, iu the time of her
disaster, a bull fighter continued to
1e the most popular mau in the land?
Forty thousand tous of American
.coal were sent to Admiral Dewey at
sr....:i.. ti.-l Ta -i i. l
lUltllllll. 1UII aiUOIIIil Ol IUOI OUgUt
yyike things l-eusonably warm for
f"u7 attempts to upset his
plans. -
mre effective t linn poor gunners with
good Hhips, but the American com
bination of the best gunners with the
3ost Hhips bcuts them all. Manila
knows this and so does Santiago.
The (linking of the French steamer
La Bourgogne with its loss of over
Uve butidrod lives is au appalling dis
t inter iu the commercial marine, a dis
. inter relieved, iu its terrible features
jf cowardly inhumanity,- only by the
jouiago of its captain, who stuck to
lis jioHt to tho' Jost and wont down
.vitb his nhip, thinks the Trenton (N.
. J.) True Americati.
The Traus-Siberiau Railway, ao
jording to United States Consil Smith,
jf Moscow, has cost, in the five years,
1893 to 1897, inclusive, $188,014,938.
In addition to the above, $5,971663
ads been spent for topographical and
iHtroiioinicul work, irrigation, surreys,
geological study, agricultural instru
ncnts, etc., connected with tho de
velopment of tho country adjacent to
'he railway.
In 189U the total farm capital in the
United States, exclusive of cash iu
:iuukMf owners, was-, in round num
)ers, sixteen billions of dollars. The
' xital value of farm products in 18.89
as also in round numbers, two aud
ine-hulf billions of dollars, which was,
iubstantially, fifteen aud one-half
fer cent, upon the capital invested.
Out of this income, however, all ex
penses wero paid, including support
f owners' families. The percentage
)f profit upon farm capital has been
iteadily decreasing for several dV
:adcs, and the next ceusus will doubt
'oss show a greater decrease lhan
tver, unless there should bo a tie
bided decrease in the estimate of farm
falues. All this shows that farming
!s constantly becoming a closer busi
lotrH, with less aud less margin for
miscalculation and waste, observes
the San Francisco Chronicle.
The long-talked-of telephonic com
munication between the two Russian
jnpitals, Moscow and St. Petersburg,
's likely this year to become an ac
. .'oinplished fact. The undertaking is
under the control of . the Imperial'
Telegraph Department, and the -stations
will be at the chief telegraph
office in either city. As the average
speed of ordinary telegraphic dis
patches between Moscow and St.
Petersburg, which are four hundred
miles apart, is about that of the rail
way, ten or twelve hours being con
sidered good time, the new telephone
will prove au inestimable ' boon to'
business mon, who in caso of urgency .
nre now obliged to pay three times'
the ordinary tariff to get their dis
patches through as "special" mes
sages. The line is not likely to be
actually in working order before Octo
ber, and it is said that the price for five
minutes' conversation will probably be
a l i I 1 1 1 i p i
nxeu i a tune over Bevemy-nve cents.
Interesting data recently .compiled'
show the world's total output of gold
for the year ending December 31',
1897, This is fixed at the prodigious
. sura of $255,000,000, but indication's
make it probable that this year's out
put will be much, larger, on account
of recent discoveries in the Klondike
and in other' localities, thinks tho At
lanta Constitution. Ill the following
table is given the output of each of
, the gold-producing countries for the
past calendar .year: -
Transvaal . 164,000,000
United States .CO.000,000
Australia 61.000.000
Russia 32.iOO .000
British India . 7,000,000
Canada 7,000,000
Mexico 6,500,000
China .... 6,500,000
United Stutes ol Colombia ... 4,000,000
Krltlsu Ouiaua 2,500,000
Brazil : 2,500,000
Other countries 11,500,000
From the figures cited in the fore
going table it appears that considera
bly more than two-thirds of the gold
produced in the world last year was
produced under the flags of Great
Britain and the United States, or; iu
other words, within tho territory be
- longing to tho Anglo-Saxon race. But
the lignrBMMied in the foregoing tablo
represent only one phase of the enor
mous wealth in possession of Great
Britain aud tho United States.
A LAY OF
lere I am, perched at my open case
ment, Enjoying the laugh ot some unseen
miss
."hat comes rippling up from some room In
tbe basement
Just below this.
fornlng, noon and night I can bear her
Bubbling away with ber chatter and chaff,
tnd It seems as It all oroution near her
hWasjust a-laugh.
Picture her! Isn't her face just made for
it
Crinkled and curved for the'laugblng lit?
Could 'she be solemn, d'ye think, If paid
for It?
Dlvll a bit!
t ean funcy tbe dimples her cheeks Imprint
ing And see the mouth corners upward run.
can catch her eyes with tbe frolic glinting,
Brimful of (un.
SSANFOED'S
QdfavOOGOGOOOOOGOOO
By WALTER BLISS NEWGEON
LITTLE after eight
o'clock on the morn
ing of a pleasant
June day a number
of bright, active look
ing young follows
were gathered in the
office of the Post.
They sat around in a
longing fashion, as
if waiting for some
one to appear. At
length the door
opened and a tall,
slightly-stooping, scholarly, looking
man entered.
"Good-morning, gentlemen!" he
called out cheerily as he entered.
"Good-morning, Mr. Chipulan,"
was the reply, uttered in unison.
"The first business of the day is far
ns all to become acquainted with one
another, and then we will proceed to
prepare the first number of the Crau
dall Post," he said.
Introductions followed. The men
forming the editorial and reportorial
staffs of the new paper Were gathered
from all over the country. The Post
was backed by a syndicate of business
men and politicians who considered
their little city entitled to a daily
paper embracing their political faith.
Chipmnn, the city oditor of the Times,
the only daily iu 'Crandall, had been
chosen editor-in-chief, and he it was
who had gathered ulTout him this staff
of assistants.
First of all must be mentioned Mur
dock, day editor) Next him in rank
was the city editor, "Joe" Farroll, a
young Irishman from Connecticut,
who always deolared comically that ho
was a Spaniard. The next man to bo
introduced was George Edward Hunt
ington, called G. Eddie. He was a
boy just out of the high school who
wanted to become a journalist.
I IWhen Mr. Chipmau presented San
ford to us we all looked at him. Tall,
slender, with handsome curly hair
and a long blonde mustache, he looked
a regular lady's man. We set him
down as a feissr" right away.
"An KstEeW'-I dubbed him when
talking to Joe Farrell later.
"An ass, rather," replied Joe.
lie came highly recommended by a
Boston paper, however, so he was
made a reporter at a fair salary. The
other reporters wero Crandall boys.
Then there was the little French artist,
and last of all, your humble servant,
the telegupph editor. .
Mr. Chipman having introduced
the various members of his staff to
each oilier,- the group broke up, the
chief going to his. newly furnished
sanetnuj, Murdock into his cuddy,
Farrell and the men 'under him into
the ojty r6om, where the telegraph in
strument and my desk we-also lo
cated, the reporters to .their various
assignments. And so the dew paper
was in train.:
The Times having had its own way
iu Craudall for so many years, it was
only natural that the starting of a new
paper Xo dispute the 'field with them
should have -made the 'ruifuagers sore.
The rivalry between, the editof s ex
tended alown to the very devil in the
press" room. Especially was it bitter
between the reporters. The Times
men -cotfldT say anything 'mean
enough abouV the -Pos.t men.
- Snuford was at once picked out by
the Times as a scapegoat Anoon of
the first -day" he went to a restaurant
frequonted by newspaper men. lie
took a seat at a table beside one at
which -two Times uien w.ere dining.
They were apparently deeply engaged
in conversation, not psjiag any atten
tion to their fellow oiuilj-driyer of the
Post. Their conversation ,was carried
on rJrSo lond a vqice, however, that
Sanford could notjielp over-hearing
what they were saying. Their talk
was of a horrible murder committed
the night before in the little town of
Barlow, some ten miles north of Cran
dall. Sanford drank in all they said,
bis journalistic nostrils scenting a
story afar. He hurriedly finifched Jus
dinner and went out.
"Dollars t6 djughnuts that chump
will start for Barlow inside an hour,"
laughed one of the Times men.
"Oh, but he's fruit!'' exeluinied the
other, udso laughing.
They finished their meal at their
loisure, and, lighting cigars, left the
plac.e. They werejoutside Just in time
to see Sanford whirl by behind a pair
of spirited bay horses. They stood
and watched him as he drove op the
street like a whirlwind, not a smile be
traying their inward mirth.
"The bill for that team will make it
bowl iu tho Post office," remarked one,
after Sanford was out of sight.
Meanwhile there were howk already
goiag on at the Post office. They were
auaoua to get out a particularly bright,
Pl
A LAUGH.
She must be pretty to laugh so prettily
Btiou a laugh couldn't belong to a (rump;
Humorous, too, to see things wittily
Probably plump.
Thero, now, she's off again. Teal upon
peal of It,
Clear as a clnrlllon, soft as a bell.
Wby, It's tufectlousi I'm catching the feel
ot Itl
Chuckling as well.
What! Was I dreaming? That musical
melody
Trips up the scale, arpeggio.
So like a voice that was hushed ab, wella
day Long, long ago.
Holgh hoi To think ot what little straws
tickle us!
Just a girl's laugh and my laughing one
lies
Silent, and I well, now, this Is ridiculous
Tears In my eyes.
KEVENGKEi
newsy paper on this first day, and here
it was after noon, with one reporter
missing. Farrell was fretting and
fuming when a boy from the stable
which furnished Sanford his turnout
walked leisurely into the office, bear
ing a hastily written missive from the
missing man. It read thus: '
"Just heard ot great murder at Barlow.
Have hired team and gone up to get story.
Hold paper until you hear from me again
"BisroRD."
"Say, Jack," said Joe, turning to
me, "that mau ain't such a fool, after
all. Bead this."
I took tho note and glanced hur
riedly through it. Them I read it
again. I don't know, but I seemed
to have a presentiment that Sanford
would get no story.
"Sanford may be all right, Joe,"
oaid I, "but I should let the paper go
to press at the usual hour, aud then if
his story is anything big we cau get
out au extra."
"I guess you're right," answered
Farrell. "I'll go and see the old man,
any way.8' . '
Mr. Chipman agraed with me, and
the paper went to press at the usual
hour without any story concerning a
muider a Barlow. W,e got out no ex
tra, either, for 'about five o'clock San
ford burst iuto the office and threw
himself into a chair. Ue was the
maddest mau I ever saw.
"Gentlemen," shid he, just mako a
note to the effect that James Robin
son Sanford is the most unmitigated
fool in Christendom.
"What is tho matter, Mr. Sanford?"
asked Mr. Chipman.
"I am a confounded fool," Mr.
Chipman," answered Sauford, his
high-pitched, feminine voice making
his language irresistibly funny.
After much persuasion he told us
tho whole story, ending with the re
mark "And that livery mau charged me
ten dollars for the team. I'll pay it
now, but those ruffians from the
Times will pay it eventually."
"The Post will assume the bill, Mr.
Sanford," said the-chief editor, kindly.
"J shall pay it myself, Mr. Chip
man," replied Sanford. "If I am
fool enough to go off on such a wild
goose chase I am willing to foot the
bills. As for murders, I am afraid
there will be a double one when I
meet those Tim.es men on the street."
- Sanford was true to his word; he
paid all the expenses connected with
hie journey to Barlow, and in a
week's time we had forgotten the cir
cumstance. The first outburst of jealousy over,
the Times men became quite friendly
with the Post men, and after old lorn
Shannon, the retired pressman of the
Times, opened up a small restaurant
just around the corner from the post
office, it was no rare sight to see Times
men aud Post men mingled promiscn
ously abont the tables in his back
room. We sometimes had a gay time
together, even going so far as to start
a press club. In business we were
still rivals, each paper constantly en
deavoriug to get a "scoop" on the
other, but socially every one except
the chief editors were good friends.
We soon found that our first im
pression of Sanford was an entirely
erroneous one. ue was one oi me
best fellows that ever lived, aud
turned ont to be, moreover, a news
paper man of the first water. His
Barlow experience was never repeated,
It was his first and last wild goose
chase.
The Post boys were not long in
learning tltat Sauford was not tiepen-
dent upon his salary. He and his sis
ter were orphans and almost alone in
the world. They had iuherited con
siderable property from their father.
They hired a pleasant place in a fash
ionable part of the town, and Sandy's
house was always open to bis fellow
journalists. Tbe little sister was
somewhat of an attraction to the boys,
but she treated us all alike, so there
is no romance in my little. tale.
Tho Post was a trine over six
months old when, one morning in De
cember, each member of the Post and
Times forces received through the
mail the following invitation:
"Mr. James Kobinson Sanford re
quests the pleasure of your presence
at a bachelor party to be given to the
newspaper men of Crandall at bis rest
donee. Ono hundred aud eighty Hun
gerford Avenue, Saturday evening,
December twenty-three, 1895, at eight
o'clock' '
The eventful evening arrived, and a
coodly company "of journalists gatu
erod in the pleasant Sanford residence
on Uuncerford avenue. Crandall had
not yet rtsched the dignity, if dignity
it can be called, of possessing "a Sun
day paper, so Saturday evening was
an open one for all the newspaper men
in the cuy. Among the company were
Benhain aud Stevens, the two men
who had sent Sanford on a ten-mile
ride to Barlow after a murder that
never took place. To all outward ap
pearances the incident was long sinds
forgotten, but, as we soon learned, the
whole evening's enjoyment was only
an adjunct to a carefully concocted
plan of Sandy's to pay them off.
Out of doors it was a terrible night,
very cold and stormy, a steady fall of
snow and sleet being driven against
the panes by a fierce northwest wind.
The weather bureau must have been
taken into Sandy's confidence. In
doors all was life and cheerfulness.
We were gathered iu a large. apart
ment on the second floor, used by our
host as his own private louuging-room.
In the fireplace burned a bright and
roaring wood fire.
The room abounded in comfortable
easy chairs, and each chair contained
a happy journalist. Suoh a meeting
as this always brings eujoyment to a
Bohemian. - Inspired by the cheerful
fire, we waxed talkative, and many a
good story was related. Several of
the company were accomplished musi
cians, and varied the talk by selec
tions, both vocal and instrumental.
After two hours or more had pleas
antly passed in this manner, Sandy's
sister invited us down stairs to par
take of refreshments. Led by her
brother we went to the dining-room
and took seats around the well laden
table. Wo had hardly seated our
selves, however, when the bell rang.
Old Aunt Sallie, the servant, answered
the summons. She returned at once
bearing a letter which bad been left
by a messenger boy. It was addressed
to Benham of the Times. He read it,
and then threw it impatiently across
the table to Stevens.
"What is it?" we asked, seeing by
their looks it was unwelcome.
Stevens read to us as follows:
"Mr. Benham: I bavo just received word
of a bad wreck on tho railroad at Smith
town. A passenger train collided with a
freight, causing great loss ot life and prop
erty. Oo down and get all vou can about
it. We will get out a paper to-morrow if
the news warrants It. Take a team to
Cbnppell's Station. I will wire further
Instructions to you at that point, and will
provide transportation from there to Smith
town. "Dowses, city editor, Times."
"P. 8. Take Stovens with you and hove
him make a few sketches. D."
"Well, are you going?" asked one of
the company.
"I suppose we aliall have to," re
sponded Benham.
Without waiting to finish the repast
they left the table, and, donning their
caps and ulsters, went out into the
storm. It was an awful night to send
men after news, no matter how im
portant it might be; but when the true
reporter gets an order to go, he goes
with never a thought of the difficulties
awaiting him.
As they closed the outside door, a
fierce gust of wind assailed them that
almost took their breath away, They
bent their heads to the blast and
slowly plowed their way down the
street to the nearest stable. The
place was closed, but their repeated
knocks awakened the night hostler,
who was taking a quiet nap on the
sly.
"Hitch np a pair, of horses for us,
and drive us down to Chappell's
Station, ordered Benham.
"I will for a ten dollar bill," said
the sleepy hostler.
"Never mind the tax," said Stevens.
"The Times will pay that."
It took some time an hour it
seemed to the waiting ahd impatient
men to hitch up; but all things were
finally accomplished, and the two men,
bundled np in fur robes, climbed in
behind the driver, and they started
toward the little country station, six
miles away, at as good a pace as the
fierce wind and deep snow allowed.
It was an awfnl ride, bundled up
though they were a rido neither of
them ever forgot. Nevertheless tho
thought of the big story to be obtained,
made them fairly content with the
hardships involved. Although the
distance was only six miles, it took
them an hour aud a half to acomplish
it, 'and it was just midnight when
their sleigh drew up beside the
platform of the little station.
There was a turnout at Chappell's
where trains often met, so there was
au operator on duty at night. They
could see him now sitting at his instru
ment, writing as if taking a message
Both men alighted.
"You can go back," said Benham,
to the driver. "We are going on down
the road."
"All right, sir," he answered.
He wasted no time, but, turning
his horses' head homeward, started off
toward Craudall at a rapid pace. They
stood on the platform and watched
the sleigli until it disappeared over the
first hill, then entered the station.
The operator glanced np from his
writiug as he heard the door open.
"Have yon any message for Ben
ham?" asked the owner of that name.
"Yes, sir," he answered; "it has just
come."
He handed the reported a slip of
yellow paper. Benham read it through
in silence and gave it to his compan
ion without any comment. These were
the words that stared at the two men:
"Do you remember sending an unsophis
ticated young man tea miles off in the
country on a wild goose chase last sum
mer? You have been sent on a similar
errand, (let back to Crandall as best you
can. Kevenge Is sweet. Haxtuuv."
"Well, I'll be darned!" exclaimed
Stevens. "I supposed he had forgotten
that thing long ago; I had myself."
"I suppose we deserve it, but it
comes hard a night like this. The
ouly thing to do is to take our medi
cine like men and go home as if noth
ing bad happened," said Benham.
"Yes, but how are you going to get
there?" asked Stevens. "You sent
the team away."
"The deuce!" was Benham'a only
reply.
"1 say, Mr. Operator, where cau we.
find a place to sleep to-night?" asked
Stevens.
"The only place Pknow of around
here is out in the freight room. There
is a lot of baled wool out there. It
will make a soft bed."
So the two jokers spent the remain
der of the night on the soft Bide of two
wool bales. Sanford was revenged.
Waverley Magazine.
SCIENTIFIC AND INOUSTRIAL.
Almonte, Ontario, has a woolen
factory which uses compressed air as
motive power.
A procession of icebergs sent against
the surface of the snu would melt at
the rate of 300,000,000 cubic miles of
solid ice a second.
The discovery has beeu made that
metal filings of any kind can be com
pressed iuto bars which will stand as
severe tests as the original bars which
supplied the filings.
A process has been recently per
fected by which thin sheets of abso
lutely transparent celluloid are sil
vered by a similar proctss to that
formerly used on glass.
Typhoid fever in Italy seems to be
of a milder type than it used to be.
In 1894 Milan had 4u'8 cases of the dis
ease and 209 deaths, while in 1897 she
had 1525 cases and only 242 deaths.
The Journal furGoldschmiedekuiist
states that precious stones may lose
their color in the light. A ruby left
for two years in a show window be
came lighter in tint than a twin stone
kept ifi the dark. Similar effects have
been observed with emeralds and
Bapphires. Cheaper gems, such as
garnet and topaz, lose their tints even
more quickly.
Count de Barthelemy, who traveled
recently across Iudo-Chiua, has
brojght to the monkey house of the
Jardiu des Plautes, Paris, two fine
specimens of the Semnopitheo mon
keys, which are among the most curi
ous of the monkey tribe. As their
name indicates, they are venerable in
appearance, and resemble old scholas
tic doctors with gray beards and black
velvet skull caps. .
The Dispensary on a Warship.
1 1 In most of tho modern war vessels
the dispensary takes tho form of a tiny
stateroom, some seven feet square, ad
joining the "sick-bay," as tho ship's
hospital is termed, which is on the
berth-deck in the bow of the vessel.
The sick-bay thus possesses the ad
vantage of having port-holes on both
sides, which insures good natural ven
tilation and light. The berth of the
apothecary which also does duty as
a sofa with drawers below it for his
personal effects, occupies one side of
his stateroom. Another side is occu
pied by a dispensing counter, below
which are drawers containing a por
tion of the stock of drugs. The liquid
preparations are contained iu bottles
on shelves above the dispensing
counter, each bottle being held in
place by meaus of spring clips. The
counter is provided with scales, grad
uates, pill-tiles, mortars, spatulas,
etc., and also a set of instruments for
minor surgery. In a medical store
room, usually located somewhere near
the dispensary, the reserve supplies
are kept, as are also the medical
chests aud outfits for boats aud land
ing parties. This storeroom is under
the care of the ship's apothecary.
QThe apothecary, yeomen, and others
charged with special duties form a
class called "idlers on ship-board,
as they do not Lave to stand watch nor
take any part in the ordinary routine
of the work and drill of the ship's
crew. New York PoBt.
fiabbath Worship or the Shakers.
"Sabbath worship is usually con
ducted at the public church, where
visitors from the world are free to at
tend," writes Madeline S. Bridges, of
the Shakers of Mt. Lebanon, New
York, in the Ladies' Home Journal.
"Four sisters and four brethren stand
in the centre of the room and form a
doable quartette. The Shaker dance,
bo miscalled, is in reality a more or
less stately march, in which all tlic
members join the brethren in a pro
cession, two by two, followed by the
sisterhood in like order. They move
in step to the hymns they are singing,
either slowly or quickly, as the meas
ure of the time demands. The ritual
is of the simplest: Testimony of faith
fervently uttered by those who feel
impelled to speak, a few earnest words
of exhortation from the Elders, the
march aud the singing of hymns.
"Something curious iu regard to
these Shaker hymns is tho fact that
they are claimed to be largely inspira
tional the music and words come to
gether 'as gifts,' and frequently to
those who aro not musical. For in
stance, very often a tap will Hound on
the door of a musical sister, and an
unmusical sister will enter with the
announcement, 'Sister, a song has just
come to me. Cau you take the words,
and note it for me?' "
The Way or Military ilrls.
Two or three pretty maids, with tho
war spirit sparkling iu their eyes and
tongues, were talking about tho vari
ous officers they had been meeting,
the mother of one of them listening
in silent pleasure to tbe chatter.
"Who is it, Kutb," she asked ol
her daughter, when the others hail
gone, "you speak of an Mr. Sixteen
inch?" "Oh," laughed the girl, "that'i
Lieutenant Blank of the artillery."
"And wby do yon cull him Sixteen
inch?" "Because, mamma, he's such a greal
bore, don't you know." New York
Sun.
A Drawing For Leathrr Mion.
When shoes have become stiff from
being wet a good dressing which wil.
make them soft is composed of vase
liue or glyecriue aud vinegar. When
the shoes aro wet stuff them will)
paper, which will absorb the moisture,
aud thou apply the vaseline dressiug.
mE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
9n Duty A Clever Weman Sot Guilty
A Greater Danger Mlsamlemtooil
She Was Surprised Valor Ma.trrly
Inactivity Spoke From Kiperlence.
Tbe balls went plcrolue through tho air
Throughout the woary night,
But still he kept upon his beut
Till came the morniug light.
Nuy, reader; 'twas no picket-guard
Patrolling bravely there;
It was but Newpop, aud tbe bawls
Camo from bis son and heir.
Judge.
A (ireater Danger.
"Floriuda, if we should elope would
your father pursue us?"
"No, I think he would move so we
wouldn't find him when we got ready
to come back." Chicago Becord.
A Clever Woman.
"There is a young woman who
makes little thiugs count."
"How does she do it?"
"Teaches mathematics in tho pub
ic school." Philadelphia Bulletin.
Not (iullly.
"Now, prisoner, this lady states
;hat you tried to run off with her.
What have you to say?"
"Yer Wuship, I thought she was a
Teak, nud I was goiug to take her
aack to the museum. I didn't want
her." rick-Me-Up.
IrrculKtlhlc.
"Do you want any young onions?"
isked the truck peddler at tho door.
"No, we have more iu the house
low than we cau possibly use. "
"But I'm selling them at a cent a
bunch, madam."
"Give me fifteen bunches." Do
joit Press.
Like Home of Her Elders.
"Every morniug on tho way to
jchool," said the little miss, "tho
boys catch me aud kiss me."
"Why don't yon run uway from
ihem?" asked her father.
"Because," replied the little edi
liou of Eve, "maybe they won't chase
aie." Chicago PohI.
Misunderstood.
"She told me she admired my great
uuiplieity of speech when I proposed
!o her."
"Well, was that what made you
mad?"
"Yes; aud I retuiudod her that when
the nocepted me she talked just as sim
ple as I did." Detroit Free Press.
Hlie Was Surprised.
Mrs. Huntley "It must have beeu
lunoyiug to have had to appear in
jourt. What did you do when they
sked you to give your age?"
Mes. Dustleigh "Why, I gave it,
)f course, thirty-ouo."
"My goodness! Aud they didn't
ane you for contempt?" Chicago
News.
Masterly Inactivity.
"Let me kiss your Dewey lips,"
nrged the youth iu the parlor.
"Young man," roared a voice from
ibove, "the bombardment will opeu
is soon as I can got down stairs."
Then the hapless youngster organ
ized himself iuto a Hying squadron
md made a fleet disappearance. De
troit Free Press.
Spoke From Esperlcnte.
Buxom Widow (at evening party)
Do you understand the lauguuge of
dowers, Dr. Crusty?"
Dr. Crusty (au old bachelor) "No,
ma'am."
Widow "You dou't know if yellow
aieans jealousy?"
Dr. Crusty "No, ma'am. Yellow
meaas biliousness!" Tid-Bits.
The Cupllnl I'ocm.
The poet had handed in his effu
sion, nud it warmed his heart to hoar
the editor exclaim again and ngain,
"Capital," "Capital." "Capital!"
"Then you like it?" said the poet.
"Oh, I'm not reading it," replied
the unfeeling editor; "I am only tak
ing cognizance of tho fact that each
liue begiuswith a capitul letter. From
thut I infer it is poetry."
Few of 'Km Do.
The justice hadn't marriod many
peoplo before; that whs why he folt
called upon to be somewhat solemn
on this occasion.
"Do you realize the full extent of
the obligations that you are assum
ing?" he asked the groom.
"S-s-sh!" cautioned the bride.
"Course he don't, Jedgo, or he'd cut
au' run, but what's that to you?
'Tuin't your business to scure him off,
is it?" Ain't you goiu to give a poor
woufau no show at all?" Chicago
Post.
Why She Was I'lcaseil.
"Sho was fairly beaming when they
met.
"What's the matter?" asked ber best
friend.
"George is going to the war," she
answered.
"But I dou't see anything pleasant
about thut."
"Well, yon see, it's just this ay,"
she explained. "Nothing short of the
shock of being ordered into active ser
vice ever would have given him the
nerve to propose. That's worth some
risk." Chicago Evening Post.
KitMlly Ac-rompllMlif'd.
Young Puppertou "Wife has gmie
shopping and left me in charge of the
baby, aud I am regularly put to it to
know how to keep the little follow
quiet."
Grimshaw (after regarding the howl
ing and contorting juvenile critically)
"I should think you coiild easily
keep him quiet, both iu a vocal and
physical way, by gagging him care
fully, tying bis hands behind his back,
binding his feet together, tiailing his
clothes to the Hoor, and then a luiiu
isteriug chloroform to him." 1'uek
LETTERS FROM CAMP.
Takes absence to rattle a feller, aa' make
him understand
The worth ota wifely voice, the strength
ot a wifely band;
An' the little old farm seems dearer, tho
cottage In town the same;
They loom as a sacred plotur' with an
aureal fer the frame!
Takes absence to stir up a feller, an" show
him mistakes he's made
Neglect of the hearts that loved him, when
the suu should have drIV out the
shade;
An' I tell you at last, my darliu' ere the
llghtln' is over an' done.
It takes a few weeks in the shudders to set
us a-prizln' the sun.
Takes absence to soften a teller au' the
bane of selllshuess kill.
In the cuwp wheu night is broodlu' an'
everything is still;
An' u smell of the clover blosfoms nn' a
hint of your dear eyes' gleams
But tears ain't the thing (er a soldier;
good-night an' the sweetest dreams!
-Will T Hale.
HU
M0.
OF THE DAY.
"Wibley is most happy when with
his inferiors." "Unhappy man!"
Cincinnati Enquirer.
Wiggs "Was the hour lute when
you arrived?" Waggs "No, the
hour was on time. I was a trifle lute,
however."
She "I'd like to take a ride on the
tandem." He "All right; I'm the
man to second your motion." 'New
York World.
Willie 'Ta, what do they make
talking machines of?" His Father
"Tho first one was made out of a rib,
my son." Life.
His Ma "Tommy! Tommy! Don't
yon hear me calling you?" Tommy
"No, ma not a word. Please holler
a little louder."
"A man can't be in two places at
once," observed his friend. "Oh,
I don't know," replied the office
holder, reflectively. Puck,
He "Then you thiuk kissing is
not wrong?" She "The idea! Why,
I wouldn't be seen doing such a
thing!" Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Isabel wants to sell her grand
father's slock." "Is she in reduced
circuuistauces?" "So; she has bought
an older one." Detroit Free Press.
Friend "Why are you joiuiug the
audieuce in hissing your own pluy?"
Author "If I don't they'll Hud out
I'm the author." New York Journal.
Mother "Dear mo! The baby has
swallowed that piece of worsted."
Father "That's nothing to the yarns
she'll have to swallow if she lives to
grow up."
Friend "Do you raise vegetables?"
Suburbanite (sadly) "No, I only
plant them; and, as you will observe,
my neighbors' chickens raise them."
Judge.
Mrs. Newed (engaging cook)
"Have you had much experience?"
Cook "Yes, mum; I've worked for
tin families in th' lasht two wakes."
Harlem Life.
"We've got to economize," said Mr.
Gargoyle to his wife. "Very well,"
replied the good woiuun, cheerfully.
"You shnve yourself aud I'll cut your
hair." Tit-Bits.
"Is he a muu whom one cau trust?"
asked Gazzum of Maddox, speaking of
Twitters. "He is a man who is will
ing to be trusted with auything."
Detroit Free I'tcss.
Mother "What! Swiugiug the cat
by its tail again! How ofteu have I
told you to be kind to dumb animals."
Tommy "But, mu, she ain't dumb;
listen to her holler!"
"I suppose thero is a great deal of
interest in His Lordship since his
marriuge?" "Certainly. It y highly
interesting to see him with visible
meaus of support." Puck.
"This war will do nsgood, I know."
"In what wc7?" "My husband
probably will come home feeling
brave enough to help me discharge
Bridget." Chicago Becord.
"Will you be brave and tight for
your country, Henry?" "Well, I will
fight for my country; but I tell you
honestly, I shall bo scared to d'iath
until I find myself safe home sgaiu."
Miss Spacer"! suppose when a
joke gets iuto au almanac it is sup
posed to be old." Mr. Scribbler
"Oh, no! a joke cannot really be
called old until it gets iuto au Eng
lishman." Puck.
"The subject of Alice's graduation
essay, you remember, was 'Aim
High.'" "Yes.". "Well, she haR
been throwing herself at the new
preacher's head, and ho is six feet
tall. "Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Here," said tho ambitious board
er, "is au advertisement of bicyile
clothes. Do bicycles have to wei r
clothes?" "Every well enameled
wheel," said the Cheerful Idiot, "has.
at least four coats." ludiuuapolm
Journal.
- "I asked little Jim the difference
between 'inertia' and 'momentum.'"
"Did he know anything about it?"
"Yes; he said 'inertia' is something
that won't start and 'momentum' is
something that wou't stop." De
troit Free Press.
Mrs. Wiggles--"! didn't know that
Mr. Binks hud a title." Mrs. Wag
plea "Neither did I. What is it?"
Mrs. Wiggles "Well, his servant
says thut everything comes addressed
'James Binks, ('. (. D.'" Somer
ville (Mass.) Journal.
Mrs. Brown "I see in tho paer
that they won't allow any man to en
list who can't read aud write the Eng
lish hwiguuge." Mr. Bron-"Writ
the English language? Graciou ! Are
they only going to take ci.llegj pro
lessors and a few literary lueu."
Harper's Bazar.
"Pardon me, sir." said the burglar,
"but I'm going to a ball and mistook
the house." "Nj mistake," said tho
householder; "don't apologize. Tho
bull is here!" aud ho covered the in
truder with his revolver until the
minion of the law made his tardy up
pettruuee. Pick Mo-l'p.