The Forest Republican Ii pnblhheJ every WednosJ.iy, by J. C. WENK. Office in Smearbanjjh & Co.'i Building ELM STREET, TIOXESTA, Vk. Ttrmi, - 8I.OO Per-Year, No subscription received for a shorter period than throo months. Correspondence sollelte I from nil parts of His couutry. No notion will be taken of anonymous oo.uinunloailoni. RATES OF ADVERTISING t One Rqtiare, one inch, one inrtlon..l t 01 Una Kqinre, one inch, one month . 3 0 One Square, one inob. tlire? imnth. , 5 00 One Square, one inh, one year..,.. 10 Cn Two tSquire, one yen K r Quarter Column, one yen J1IOO Half Column, one ynr .VMW One Column, one yeir 1 00 jnl advertissinents ten cents per line cuoh insertion. Mrriip ant rleith notice gratia. All bills for yrariy advertis?:n nu c-nllected quarterly Temporary adverti3em?nt must be paid in advnnc Job work cash on delivery. For CAN. VOL. XXVIII. NO. 40. TIO NESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 1890. S1.00 PER ANNUM. KEPUBLI Major Swift, of Chioago, says that If the City Connoil is corrnpt, it is tho fault of "prominent citizens." In 18S7 General Sherman predicted that ''the most terrible war ever known will take plnoo in this oonotry beforo the end of the century." In tho District of Columbia it is found that an old law, still unrepealed, perraita a dying man to will bis chil dren away from their mother, even thongh she is innocent of any wrong doing, It is a curious foot, muses the Chi cago Reoord, that there are 635 mora persons and firms engaged in the liquor business in the State of Iowa than in Kentucky, where the manufac ture of whisky is considered a fine art and its consumption an aooomplish mcnt. The me of bloodhounds by police and sheriffs for traoking criminals is increasing rapidly all over the West, and Recording to the flew York Sun, the general testimony is that the ani mals are a valuable aid, Cuban blood bounds seem to be the favorite breed, and the demand appears to be muoh greater than the supply. The Now York MeUioal Reoord re fers to the lact that Dr. Snow, to whom Great Britain owes its first im munity from epidemio oholera for the last twenty-flve years, and, of eourso, for all future time, ii almost forgotten in that country. In commenting on this faot, Sir Riohard Quain recently said: "Dr. Snow made ns masters of the deadly plague of cholera. Ha thereby eared millions of lives. The sole reward whioh England bas con ferred upon him is midnight obsourity. If be bad been a soldier," he con tinued, "instead of a dootor, if be bad slain bis thousands, instead of earing bis millions, every town would hare bailed bim as a bero, and the Nation would bare honored his memory with inonnments more enduring than brass." Dr. Snow's work consisted in discovering that oholera is a water born disease. In a technical sense we bare no Na tional holidays, as there is nowhere' a -power to set apart snoh days and com pel their observnoe, deolaros the New Orlonns Fioaynne. A State can only establish a holiday within its own borders, and the authority of Con gress in that direotion is limited to the District of Columbia and the Ter ritorier. Of conrso a holiday praoti cally besomes National whon it is col ebrated by all the people of all the States and Territories. Of these we have only two. Christmas and the Foarth of July. The davs whioh Con gress has set apart as holidays are New Year's Day, Washington's Birthday, Inauguration Day, every four years, Fourth of July, Deooration Day, In dependence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, these days are not celebrated as holidays in all the States. New Year's Day is not a holi day in Massachusetts, New Hampshire or Bhode Island. Mississippi. Arkan sas and Iowa do not celebrate officially tbe birthday of the Father of their country, Decoration Day is observed only in the North, and Labor Dar is a legal holiday in only about half of the btates. In "A Glimpse of Longfellow," pub lished in one of the magazines. Rev Minot J. Savage calls bim "the most widely read poet of the English-speak ing world." This is approximately true, observes the New York World and the cause for it is found in the ' poet's universal sympathy with the literature of all times and countries. He is the most widely read poet of Amerioa because of all Amerioan poets .. be read most widely. The extent . bis studies is astonishing. In bis youth be went deep into the early lit ierature of England, and added to the usual college acquaintance with the clasica a knowledge of the Anglo-Sax on language and literature which did muoh to insure bis tuocess. He went from Saxon to the Scandinavian lan guages and to old Norse ; then to old High German and from that to Ital ian, making a translation of Dante, which if lacking in the high poetio art of the original verse will always be respectable. As a result of wide lit erary sympathies, be was able to ap peal to the uuiversal human nature, If be bad something of natural pro vinoiUism in bis youth, his maturity knew no boundary of seotion or coun try. His works have been translated into all the prinoipal languages of Europe beoause by long labor be learned to understand the common humanity that underlies all differences of Nationality. The central faot oi bis cureer was his great capacity for work. It made bim the greatest ol New England poets and one of the tautt Ubeful men of bis century. a OLD and sit.vtn, Life has two ages t The silver and golden) A book with two pagot A now and an olden. Now stands bofore me A little olilld, pausing falrj Laughing nyos, full of glue, Teach c-beoks and golden hair. Bho thinks life all It seomp, And for months, days and hours She grasps the sunbeams, And gatbors Life's fairest flowers. Near to that golden head Silver Is shining, With luster passing rarej Ago Is refining. . There Ihey are. youth and ago, Ijong hours beguiling With stories and maxims sago, Talking and smiling. My Life book's two pagnsj The new and the oldoni, The beattlful ages: The silver and golden. UrSTAIRS AND DOWN. SOFT light from large banging lamp 0! fell npon the daintily laid dinner table. Its glow centered npon the russets and colds of the chrysanthe mums in the Venetian glass jar, and more faintly illumined the faces of the elderly man and wo man seated at either end, leaving in deep shadow the maid who moved round quietly. There was a suggestion of oonstraint in the atmosphere, the outward evidence whereof lay in the spasmouio attempts at conversation between the master and mistress in a light uplifting of the ohin on the part of the maid. "1 saw Furcell Jones to-day," said Mr. Forler during momentary ab sence of the servant. "Ha," exolaimed his wife with in terest, "and 'or is he? Where was it yon seen him?" "He soys he s back at the old shop, and," impressively, "I toll you wot. Mariar, if ever I saw a man as here the return of the maid caused the sub ject to be abruptly dropped. "Wot a this? Oh, frycassed ohioken, Is it? Now a thing I likes, Mariar, is duok. Duck with sage and onion stuffing. We never 'as it now." "Cook says she don t like to cook onions, Tony. Shcjsays as 'or she can t get the boder off er ands. "Uinpb," grunted Mr. Porter, and tba meal prooeedod in silenoe. When the finger-bowl stage was reached and the door had closed upon the retreating figure of the servant, Mrs. Porter looked pathotioally across the dessert dishes at ber husband and heaved a plaintive sigh. Mr. Porter returned the glance with one of pro found sympathy. "Well," he inquired in a carefully modulated roice, "how has it been to day? Have you got on any better?" Care ill beoame the plump visages of the worthy couple. To judge from the surrounding's their oirenmstances were affluent. True, a strictly refined taste might have taken exception to the allianoe of the purple and gold brooade onrtains with the maroon wall paper, or have deolared both to war against the crimson satin gowa that graoed the lady of the house. A captious oritio would perohanoe bare pronounced the ornaments of amazing bulk in proportion to their intrinsio value, and have rebelled that the few paintings represented the "Kiss Mammy" School of Art alone. But these accessories admirably beoame Mr. and Mrs. Porter, whose portly presences would have struck an iuhar monious note in a more aesthetically bedight dwelling. "Oh, Tony," Mrs. Porter replied. "If you only knew what I suffers with those persons in tha 'ouse !" "Well, my girl, yon know J was against it. You would 'ave 'em. I said all I oonld against it. You 'ad to 'ave your own way." "Yes, but, Tony, doar, you know Mrs. Pennithorne persuaded me. She aaid as 'ow it would be a Christian charity to give 'em a trial as domes tics; for the pore things couldn't get situations as governesses nohow. But I 'ave repented doing it, I must say." "They ain't been Bpeakin' disrespeo ful, Mariar, 'ave they? I'd soon put a stop to that, ladies or no ladies." "Lor, no, Tony, they ain't. But I don't like somehow to order 'em about, and I always feels as if they looked down on me. 'Cause o' conrse. Tony, we ain't always been wholesale as we is now." "Never you mind that, Mariar. You're as good a lady as anybody ; and real stylish in your ways. Now, I'm a plain man, and wot I likes is to leave a quiets pipe in the drorin'-room, nd to 'ear you play the old toons on the paynoforte like you used to, But there you won't play now, because on think they're sniggering at you lownstoirs I" "I wouldn't mind that, Tony, if they did their work well ; but they don't. This one can't cook a plain chop. If it wasn't for shame's take I'd take the cooking myself. She goes about with her eye-glasses drop ping into the saucepans, and a fine cookery book in ber 'and, and she can't boil a cabbage. She just 'ail twelve lessons in fancy things and thinks she knows all about it." Mrs. Pcrter cracked a walnnt and shook her bead sadly. "An' then lata dinner every night, and them finger bowls and all that- well, Mariar, 1 don't want to 'urt your feehn's, and I do like a bit of style when we've company, like the best of em, But wot 1 say Is, give me a good comfortable supper with a snack of something tu'sty. Liver and baoon now, or Irish stew. Ah " "Martha used to make 'eaveuly Irish stew," 'murmured Mrs. Porter regretfu'ly, "and she could do tripe and onions beautiful. Now what do you think this Christine said when I asked if she 'could cook tripe and onions, thinkin to give yon a treat?" "I givej it np, Mariar. Go on." "Christine she says as 'ow she 'ad never 'eard of it. Wot was it? And I was castin' about in my mind for an explanation, when Maud she says, with a sort of laugh, 'Oh, it's tha entrails of a ruminatin' animal,' she says, 'but I didn't know it was used for food ;' and after that, Tony, I ordered white bait, and a loin of mutton and a pheas ant." "It seems to me, Mariar, that you're lofing flo.'h over this. You ain't tha figure you was three months ago." "The thing that worries me worst, Tony, is that the 'onse ain't near well enough cleaned. Maud she does her beet, but (he ain't got the trainin.' ohe s afraid to do a bit of scrubbin , and she does all tie dustin' with gloves on. "Umph. Muffled cats catches no micc,"scntentionsly remnrked Mr. Por ter. " Take my word for it.Mariar we'll never feel the 'ouse our own till they're out of it." "And!I'm sure, Tony," went on Mrs. Porter, determined to fully unburden ber mind, "that they employ a chair woman surreptitious. 1 saw one slip pin' out by the side door yesterday," "Well, Mariar, there's just one thing to do, and that's to give 'em warmn at once. "Me, Tony? Oh, no, I couldn't. Don't ask me. Their third month's np to-morrow, too. If they was only dissatisfied now, and would leave. "Don't you connt on that, my girl. They knows whon they're comforta ble. They're here for life, except you summons np your courage and chncks em. "Tony, dear, you're a brave man. Won't you, to please your Mariar, just tell them to go youiself?" said Mrs. Porter coaxingly. But Mr. Porter refused decidedly, "No, Mariar, nonsense. A man 'as no business meddiling with woman's affairs." Then, temporizing, "I'll tell tou wot'll cheer you np, old girl. Yon come into town to-morrow and I'll give yon lunch and a treat to fol low. Wot'll it be?" "Oh, I know, Tony. Pork pies and stout, and we'll go to the Aquarium afterwards." Maud carried the heavy tray down stairs and dumpod it down on the kitohen dresser. Tha apartment was decidedly untidy. Soiled plates lay heaped on the table. Two dirty sauce pans and a greasy baking-pan littered the steel fender. On the stove the kettle spluttered futiously and boiled over; but the cook, seated in a obair drawn close nnder the gas jet, was too absorbed in a book to notice matters external. Her cap was set awry over a mass of tawny hair drawn loosely baok from a pleasant, studious face. Evidently hers was the artistic tem perament, full of ideals, showing an intense love for the poetic, but useless as regards mere household affairs. Her youngor Bister Maud was cast in a different mould. Clever, impetuous, desiring to command, she suffered keenly under the restraint of her present servitude. The knowledge thit, while admirably suited to fill the part of mistress fate bad apportioned ter the rola of servant, galled ber bitterly. 1 Having deposited the tray on the dresser, Maud oast a disgusted glance round the kitohen, and sank discon solately into a obair. On beoomlng aware of ber presence and attitude, tha oook with an effort withdrew her thoughts from the volume and looked inqniringly at hor sister through ber glasses. "Well, what is it to-night, Maud?" Bhe asked plaoidly. "Oh, Christine, I'm sick of this," was the passionate reply. "Talk of the drudgery of governessing. Gov ernesses can keep their hands clean, and look like ladies at least" "But we know we are ladies, dear," interposed the milder Christine, "and governesses are often much worse off than we ajo here." "Governesses never need to oome down to a blaok-beetley kitohen at C.30 on a cold, dark morning, and kindle a fire" "Cloaoing the flues is the greatest trial I have yet experienced," paren thesized Christine with a shudder. "This is supposed to be a 'good plaoe,' " continued lloud. "I wonder what a bad one is like?" "Well, we might have bad washing to do, and windows to clean, and children to look after," replied the more conciliatory Christine. "I do think, Maud, it is beoause tha work is so new to ns that we ara awkward and don't get on quickly." "But it humiliates me to find that work which quite uneducated girls would think nothing of should seem so diffioult to us." "I certainly never anticipated find ing any difficulty." said Christine, thoughtfully, "though naturally what people have been working at all their lives comes easy to them." "We are nothing bnt rank amateurs, and we must face the faot that a third of our salary wages, I beg its pardon is squandered in socretly employing a char-woman." "I loathe and detest caps andaprons, too," went on Maud, getting up and beginning noisily to colleot the dishes by way of lettiug off ber steam. "Jf the postman smirks at me I feel mad, and when tho green grocer's man tried to kiss me I wanted to murder some body." "But Mrs. Porter is really kind, dear. She was quite anxious when you had that cold last week. Only 1 must oonfess, Maud, that I cannot re spect employers whose only idea of literature is represented by the penny weeklies.". "You forget the histories in the library bookcase," said Maud, bitterly. "All uncut. Come, let ns make the best of it," said her gentler sister; "you must look baok and remember how glad we were to be able to come here together, where there were no other maids with whom we would have been obliged to associate." "Yen, and look forward to nothing but this endless cleaning and washing np all our lives. But to tell you the plain truth, Christine, I don't bolieve they're satisfied with us." "Oh I I never dreamt of that," ex claimed Christine, aghant. "What shall we do if they send ns away?" "I don't really care. I know it's silly when we are bo dependent, but I don't feel as if I could endure this ex istence a day longer," and laying her bead on the kitohen tablo, Maud, the dauntless, who had so bravely endured their reverses, worn out by three moDths cf ceaseless, uncongenial (oil, burst into an uncontrolable flood of tears. Good Mrs. Porter's already per turbed mind was greatly exeroised next morning by the reoeipt of an epistle from the faithful Martha, her late oook, stating that, as Martha's mother had now quite recovered, she purposed returning to town that day in quest of a situation, a nieoa who promised to become a clever house maid accompanying ber. "I knows yon are snited, bnt if you was so kind as to reoommond me I will be truely greatful. Hoping as how yon and Master keeps your usual health and with Humble respects, I remains, Your Obedient servant, "Martha Goodyeab." "A most proper letter, my dear," onmmented Mrs. Porter, her ruffied vanity agreeably soothed by Martha's abundant recognition of the difference in their positions.' "And a capital cook, too," grnnted Mr. Porter, pushing aside his muddy coffee and sodden toast. "Mariar, you send off them girls, and get Martha and ber niece to oome 'ere, and I'll I'll take von a trip to Monte Carlo." "Oh, Tonyl" Then, with resolution: "I shall I" Bnt after ber bnsband had departed for the oity Mrs. Porter wavered and felt ber oonrage leak away every time she looked towards the bell. Her motherly heart sympathized with the girls. She knew how hard servitude must be for them. Still she realized also that no sense of pity for others should prevail upon her to tolerate any circumstances which spoiled ber home life. She delayed from moment to moment, however, finally going into ber conservatory in tha hope that a little quiet pottering cmong hor plants would restore hor mental balance. She bad been engaged for nearly half an hour with sundry par cols of hyacinths and narcissus whioh she potted and tuoked away under the staging in a mass of oocoanut fibre against the spring decorations of ber house. It was an unusually bright morning for November, and as the sun beat warmly npon the glass roof, Mrs. Porter found the surcease she sought, and began to hum an air. A low bnt imperative tapping on the conservatory door leading to the lawn made her start, and turning quiokly she perceived an elderly gentleman standing outside, beckoning mysteri ously to her. He was not one of those ingenious individuals who suooeed by dint of inward assuranoe and outward respectability in worming themselves into private houses with the intention of selling tea or gas burners. That Mrs. Porter saw at a glance; while through the railing of the front gar den she oanght a reassuring glimpse of a well appointed brougham. So without more than a momentary hesi tation she opened the door. "Can I converse with yon, madam, upon a most important matter, with out danger of being overheard ?" be demanded. "Yes, sir," replied Mrs. Porter, "you can. Please ftep in 'ere." "You are Mrs. Porter, I presume?" Mrs. Porter bowed. "There are two inmates of your house in whom I am much interested," went on the visitor, sitting down in tha garden chair offered. "Yes," said Mrs. Porter, interroga tively, ber curiosity aroused. "They oocupy at present tha posi tions, I understand, of ahem I oook and housemaid?" "They do, sir." A sudden hope darted through Mrs. Porter's mind. Perhaps this gentle man required servants and would take hers. "Have you been pleased with their attentions? Have they 'given satis faction' is, I believe, tha term used?" "Ye-es. But will you tell me your reasons for asking?" said Mrs. Porter, strictly on guard. "I may confide in you, madam, that when my lata nephew, Boger Cur ruttiers, died I having had no com munication with him for maDy years, as I entirely disapprovod of his im provident manner of living appeal whs made to me on behalf of his two daughters, my grandnieces, who were, nj one might have autioipated, left penniless. After careful considera tion of the mutter, I resolved to hold out no helping band until I saw that the girls were prepared to help them selves. Keeping myself informed, however, regarding their movements, I was gratitied to find that they bud taken the noble determination to oooupy a uieuiul position rather than be dependent npon tho charity of others. I need not say, madam," con cluded the old gentleman more con fidentially, "that I admired my nieces for their declaration of independence ; but, as I make a point never to do anything rashly, I decided to wait un til three mouths had elapsed, then, if upon inquiry I found that they had ably filled humble station, to QllVr them tha shelter of a home which they would be fitted to adorn. "I am rejoiced toear it," said Mrs. Porter, warmly, "and I may say that in these three months there ain't ever been a cross word passed between them and me," whioh was true in the letter if not in the spirit. "Then, madam, may I see my nieces, whose acquaintance I have yet to make, and at the earliest date that will suit your convenience I shall take the yonng ladies home." "Madam," said Maude's voioe from the door leading into the drawing room, "a person who asked me to an nounce her as 'your old Martha,' bis called. There is a younger woman with her." Here was a happy ending of all Mrs, Porter's woe. "Ask 'em to wait, and I'll speak to 'em immediate," she called. Then turning to the visitor, she exolaimed, "Sir, 1 am 'appy to 'ear that your relatives 'as the proBpeots of so bright a future. They 'as my warmest con gratulations And permission to go at once." Black and White. SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL. Some soientists now figure that the antediluvian people were enormously tall. The taste nerves ara two thousand times more sensitive to quinine tb.au they are to sugar. Gun springs are now tempered by eleotricity in France. The process is rapid and satisfactory. Professor Soham, a German savant, figures that men and women wonld be healthier and more moral if they wore no olothes. The gronnd in the natural gas region of Indiana is said to be so permeated with the gas that it is dangerous to drop a match in a well or any sort of digging in the district. According to Galton tho patterns on the finger tips are not only unchange able through life, but the change of tha finger prints of two persons being alike is less than one chance in 64,000 000,000. In distributing telegraph wires for army purposes, preparatory to estab lishing communicating stations, it has been found that a great eoonomy in time is effected by mounting the reel on a bicycle. At a recent meeting of the Entomo logical Sooiety, of Loudon. Mr. Stevens exhibited two larvee, supposed to be those of the death-tick beetle, which had been damaging oil paintings in his possession. It is said that many conductors of electrio oars in Syracuse, N. Y., have been troubled with rnetallio poisoning from constant handling of the brass fixtures of the oars. Those who wear gloves are exempt from the trouble. Electrioity has been successfully em ployed by Dr. M. G. Jenison in oheok ing hemorrhage from tha extraction of teeth. Tho current oaused inBtant ooagnlation of the blaod, and gave re lief where the usual remedies were without effect. An electrical publication says that on December 1, 1893, the length of telograph lines in the world was 901, 701 milos, and the total miles of wira used on the same 2,682,083, or enough to go around tho globa at the equator over 107 times. The miles of line in the United States January 1, 1895, was 190,303, with the miles of wira 790,792. A new application of calcium oaroide bas been discovered by M. Bossel. By heating powered carbide with mag nesium in a current of air he succeeded in fixing the nitrogen in the air, the produots being lime and nitride of magnesium. This oompound immersed in water decomposes, giving out am monia, M. Bossel has also obtained combinations of nitrogen with alumi num and iron. A small living South Amerioan ro dent, not quite as big as a rat, bas been found to be closely related to, and a surviving representative of, some of the foisil marsupials reoently desaribed by the Portuguese geolo gist, Ameghino, from the Santa Cruz bods of Patagonia. It is, therefore, supposed to belong to a new family, quite distinct from all marsupials hitherto known. A Colossal Status of Berolltia. The colossal statue of Berolina, the allegorical representative of the city of Berlin, in the Alexander I'latz, of that oity, will soon be unveiled with imposing ceremonies. It is twenty-five feet high from the feet to the crown, and will stand on a pedestal of red granite of e'ual height. Dressed in a coat of mail and covered by a flowing gown, the strong but still well-rouudtM shape of ths figure is shown to best advantage. The left band is held out as if extended to welootne, while the right is resting on a shield. On the breast she wears on a long chain a copy of the gold medal with the por trait of King Frederick William III, whioh was given by that monarch to the Mayor of Berlin, to be worn as an insignia of his office. The sculptor, Protessor E. Uundrieser, bas been sig nally honored by the German Emperor for the work. New York Tribune. What Causes Hut Waves. Hot waves are caused by low areas appearing in the northwest and mov ing east and south, thus briuging about warm winds from tho south, and disappearing as tha development of nigh ureas in tha northwest. One of the accompanying phenomena of hot waves wus hot winds coming from the touthwest, their cause being some what obscure. Dr. Fruukenfiuld states that as a rule they move iu nar row belts, rangiug from 100 foet to half a mile in width. No good causa cm be assigned for this, save, proba bly, 'local topography. Boston Cultivator, THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARB TOLTJ IT THE FUNNYMEN OF THE PRESS. A Crucial Yenr-A Trnthr.il (llrl Modern Justice Her Idea A (Schemer No News In It, Ktc. Alaa, 'tl nlghtnnn ninnty-ilx And bashful man mint full or; For woman now with elvnr tricks Will speed him to tho nlt'ir. Detroit Free rn". A TBmiFUL OIRt,. Papa (on the top of the stairs) "Is that young man gone, Mamie?" Mamie "Yes, papa; awfully!" Jndge, MODERN. He "Why did you nccept me?" She "Why I I I loved you." He "Yon don't say sol Why, this ii astoniehing." Truth. rnrjcDictsD, perhaps. "The chief factors of Chicago's suc cess," began tho largo man with the suspicious diamsnd, "are " "Malefactors," bittorly remarked the man who usod to think ho knew something about wheat. Cincinnati Enquirer. LIKES IT WELL ENOUGH. Paternal Visitor "Do you like to go to school, little boy?" Little Boy "Yes, I like goin' to school well enough and oomin' homo all right. What I don't like is bavin' to stay cooped np in there botwoen times." Somervi lie Journal. A BCFIEMER. He "I'm afraid I couldn't mako you happy, darling, on only $2000 a year." She "Oh, it's plonty I With econ omy I can dress on $1500, and just think, dear, we can have all the rest for household expenses I" Life. KO WONDER. The Phrenologist "Your bump of self-esteem is enormously developed." Tho Patient "Do you blame it? The other day my wife sent mo down town with a pieoe of goods to match, and she says I did it better than sho could have done it herself." Puok. Willie "I was kept in to-day for throwing a plug of paper at anothor boy." Mamma "And wasn't that perfectly just ?" Willie "I don't think so, mamma, when I missed the boy by a foot." Truth. . A VALCAELB acquisition. Mr.Cohonheiraer "MishterO'Brion, vos it your liddoi poy dot inagioiau took silver tollars from his nose and ears at dor show last night?" Mr. O'Brien "It was my boy Don nis." "How muoh a veek will you duke for dot poy?" Life. NO NEWS IN IT. "I see," said Mrs. nashorofi, "that they have passed an ordinance impos ing a fine on any ouo who yells 'tiro' in a church." "Oh, well," said the Choerful Idiot, "that sort of preaching has pretty much gone out of date, auywny." Indianapolis Journal. SKIMPY DIET. Mrs. Wreaklmd (tho landlady) "How is it that you are taking your medicine after dinner? I thought tho doctor told you to take it bofore meals." Mr. Oldboardor "He said it didu't make any difference as long as I took it on an empty stomach." HER IPSA. Mrs. Goodkind (laying down her newspaper) "Mysakesl Those peo ple out in Oklahoma must be a filthy set." Mr. Goodkind "II 'm I What makes you think so?" Mrs. Goodkind "Why, I have just been roadiug about their lynohiug a man in Bockot City for trying to olouu out the town I" Puck. A r-ROPKB. EXPRESSION. "I think gold is beiug hoarded," observed Manchester. "Nonsenso," replied Burmingham. "I was in a bank yesterday au I saw about two quurts of gold coiujjn the counter." "That's a fine way to spoak of gold ooin, measuring it as though it were milk or cider." "The expression is all right. Gold comes in quartz." Pittsburg Chroui-olo-Telegraph. HOLD BY. TUB THOUSAND. Bacon "I see Now Ycik Stuto has just appointed a new iuspector of gas meteru." Egbert "Yes; I saw the announce inont in the papers." "And now Eugluud is following suit. The Queen bus just appointed a poet laureate." "Well, I can't see tho similarity be tween tho two officers." "Why, a poet laureate is u judge of metres, isn't he?" Statesman. A DIPLOMAT. "Mamma, do you like stories?" 'I like true ones, my child " "Shall I tell you a true one?" "Yes." "But you might not like it." "Oh, yes, I should if you told it." 'iBut it is quite short.. Well, oaeo upou a time there was a xv.itt'r bottle-" "Yes, go on." And yesterday I broko it; but I'll never do it ttjjuiu," Tojioka Capitol, A SERENADE. Bleep, love, the world Is sleeping Why should you wake? Eleep. lovo, the stars are kecpiutf Wntcb tor your sakc. Dream, love; a dream's InsintnneS Twine round your heart '. Dream, lovej la dreams no distanci Hol.lx us apart. Watohing, I stand and tremble, Witklng, I sigh; I bnt a droam resemble With dawn to fly. Exchange HUMOR OF THE DAY. Don't stand on your dignity too much I Get off occasionally and hus tle. Pnok. Teacher "What was Joan1 of Aro maid of?" Pnpil "Made of dust." Boston Transcript. The man who conducts his business in a slipshod manner naturally loses bis standing. Pock. Henley "Brown is a very far-seeing man!" Penley "Yes, whon ho'is looking backwards." Truth. Love may be blind, bnt his sense of hearing is so acute that he never mis takes the jingle of copper for gold. Truth. By having a place for everything and everything in its place, you can be a source of great comfort to care less people who don't remember whoro they leave things. Puok. Friend "It must be awful to have the newspapers keep saying such things abont yon." rolitioal Candi date "Yes, but suppose they didn't say anytning at am aomerviue Journal. - . "Does the old fellow have money?" "I rother think so." "Makes a show, does he?" "Oh, no but his daugh ter, who is thirty-five years 'old and awfully ugly, was married last week." Gothamite. ' . ' May "They toll me your engage ment with Charley Gnmpleigh is broken. How did it happen?" Oarrio "It is no mystery. The fact is, ho was too frnsh to keep; that's all." Boston Transcript. Hicks "Times are pretty hard, I can tell yon. Why, it's ill 1 can do to keep my family out of the almshouse." Wioks "And is the almshouse . in your town really bo attractive as that?" Boston Transcript. Softleigh "The Widow Passo pro posed to me Inst night." Suppehead "Really 1 What did you say?" Softleigh "Told her I'd be n eon to her. You see, ber daughter got there first." Philadelphia Reoord. "Oh, dear," sighed Mrs. Cumso as she tossed about in bed, "I'm suffer ing dreadfully from insomnio." "Go to sleep and you'll bo all right," growled Mr. Cumso as ho rolled over and began to snore again. Judge. Hubby "When I first got married I determined to have nolarjre items of expense iu housekeeping, but I .find, after all, that it is tne uiiio inings that count." Batch "How miny bovo you?" Hubby "I have four." Detroit Free Press. The person who will construct soma phrases with which a man who has fallen down on a slippery sidewalk run r.deniiatalv duress himself with out shooking tho passers-by and lay ing himself liable to arreat, wi'l do much to advance tho cause of civiliza tion. Puck. "I might as well plead guilty, jndge," owned up tho penitent pris oner at the bar. "If it had been a bolt of laoe or a basket of diamond! you might havo called it kleptomauiu and let me go, but I don't reckon that would work in this case. I stole the hog, judge." Chioago Tribune. Charity is a divine attribute, but the man who Bets out to praotice il soon discovers that it is a one-sided af fair. It is regarded by the other fvllei as a very slick and easy way of getting something for nothing. Be charita ble, but keep a bucksaw and half s cord of wood oa band. Detroit Free Press. A lawyer rcsidiug in tho North ol Englaud, and noted for his laoonic style of expression, soot tho following terse and witty noto to a rofraotory client, who would not sucoumb to bit reiterated demands for tho payment of his bill : "Sir, if you pav the en closed, you will oblige me. If you do not, I shall oblige you." Pittsburg Bulletin. YMorlu'.H Family. Queen Victoria has had nine chil dren, seven of whom are living ; forty one grandchildren, of whom thirty three arc liviug, and twenty-throe greut-childron, ull of whom are liviug. Her oldeft great-graudohild ii the Princess Feodoro, of huxe-Mciuiugeu, seventeen years of age, whose mar riage is now under discussion. Ai the Queen is in good-health, she may yet live to boo u great-great-grandchild, whioh no sovereign of England over did. Now York World. Kitty raved Tliem All. At a tiro iu Mr. Tasker'd boar.liu? house, lulorvale, N. J., last October, a cat was been comic? out with a kit ten in ber mouth. Depositing it iu a place of saTetv sho flew back iuto the burning Imildiug uu.1 brought out au other. Buck aud forth the pool mother ran until every one of the lit ter was saved. Who could have done more? Our Dumb Auimals. '1'lie runiouii War." Tho Samoan "war" of 18SJ was the result of a quarrel between a uutivt and a German, iu whicU the (iermau's nose was broken, lusido of tweuty four hours Germany hud demanded $1000 for that broken nose, uud $10, 000 'for the deprecation committed uii German plantations the year be fore, hit. Louis GloVe-l'tJUJOoi at,
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers