The Forest Republican la publhhol every Wednoslay, by J. C. WENK. Office In Smearbanffh & Co.'i Building ELM STIIISET, TIONESTA, TA. Terms, - 8I.IK) 1'ofYonr, No mbsrrlptlom reeolvoj for a shorter period than three months. Oorrospondoneo snllelto 1 from nil parts of Ilia roil ui ry. No noilon will bi taken of unouymous co.nmunlo.iiloin. Forest Republican. VOL. XXVIII. NO. 4G. TIO NESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, M ARCH 4, 189C. 81.00 PER ANNUM. RATES Or ADVERTISING! One Sipnre, one in?h, on. in'rH:jn..l 1 01 One Ivpnre, one inoh, one Month. . 30) One Pipiare. one ineta, tliro? mmths . . 00 ri fqiinre, oneln'-h, one year 10 01 Two Squire, one yen- ..... liri Quarter Column, one yen 3 MM Half Column, one yeir .VMM One Column, one year .. 1 lHM IiOgal advertisement! ten or.ts per line ench insertion. Marriages and rleith noting gratis. All hillB lor yearly advertisMi uu collected quarterly '1 empnrary advertisements must be paid in advane. Job work cas'j on delivery. Mayor Swift, of Cbioago, says that If the City Council is corrupt, it is tho fault of "prominent citizens." In 18S7 General Sherman prediotod thnt ''tho inost terrible worevcrknown will tako plneo in this country beforo tho cnJ of the conttiry." In the Dibtrict of Columbia it is found that an old law. still unrepealed, permits a dying man to will bis chil dren away from their mother, even though she is innocent of any wrong doing. It ib a curious fact, muses the Chi cago Reoord, that there are C35 inoro persons and firms engaged in tho liquor business in the State of Iowa than in Kentucky, where the manufac ture of whisky iB considered a fine art and its consumption an accomplish ment. The me of bloodhounds by police and sheriff for traoking criminals ia increasing rapidly all over the West, and according to the flow York Bud, the general testimony is that the ani mals are a valuable aid. Cuban blood hounds seem to be the favorite breed, and the demand appears to be muoh greater than the supply. The New York MeUioal Record re fers to the iact that Dr. Snow, to whom Creat Britain owes its first im munity from epidemic- cholera for the last twenty-five years, and, of conrso, for all futuro time, it almost forgotten in that country. In commenting on this faot, Sir Richard Quain reoently aid: "Dr. Snow made us masters of the deadly plague of cholera. Ho thereby saved millions of lives. The sole reward whioh England has con ferred upon him is midnight obsonrity. If he had been a soldier," he con tinued, "instead of a dootor, if he had slain his thousands, instead of saving his millions, every town would have hailed him as a hero, and the Nation wonld have honored his memory with monuments moro enduring than brass. Dr. Snow's work consisted in discovering that cholera is a water born disease. In a technical sense we have no Na tional holidays, as there is nowhere i power to set apart snob, days and com' pel their observnoo, deolnros the New Orloans Picayune. A State can onlv establish a holiday within its own borders, and the authority of Con gross in thnt direction is limited to the District of Columbia and the Ter ritorioc. Of course a holiday practi cally becomes National when it is col cbrated by all the people of oil the btatos and Territories. Of these we have only two. Christmas and the Fourth of July. The davs whioh Con grens has set apart as holidays are New Year's Day, Washington's Birthday, inauguration Day, every four years Fourth of J uly, Deooration Day, In dependence Day, Thanksgiving am Christmas. Ilowevcr, those days are not celebrated as holidays in all the States. New Year's Dav is not a hoi day in Massachusetts, New Hampshire or Rhode Island, Mississippi. Arkan sas aud Iowa do not celebrate officially the birthday of the Father of their country, Decoration Day is observed only in the North, and Labor Dav is legal holiday in only about half of the elate?. In "A Glimpse of Longfellow," pub lishod in one of the magazines, Rev. Minot J. Savage calls him "the most widely read poet of the English-speaking world." This is approximately true, observes the New York World, and the cause for it is found in the .poeCiUiniversal sympathy with tho literature of all times and countries. He is the most widely read poet of Amerioa because of all American poets he read most widely. The extent of his studies ia astonishing. In his youth he went deep into the early lit erature of England, and added to the usnal college acquaintance with the clasics a knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon language and literature which did much to insure his (access. lie went from Saxon to the Scandinavian lan guage and to old Norse ; then to old High German aud from that to Ital ian, making a translation of Dante, w hich if lacking in the high poetio art of the original verse will always be respeotable. As a result of wide lit erary sympathies, he was able to ap peal to the universal human nature. If he had something of natural pro vincialism in his youth, his maturity knew no boundary of seotion or coun try. His works have been translated into all the principal languages of Europe beoause by long labor he learned to understand the common humanity that underlies all differences of Nationality. The central faot ol his cureer was his great capao'ty for work. It made him the greatest ol New England poets and one of the most useful men of hit century. old and &ii. van. Life has two ago i The silver and golden) A book with two pago A now and an olden. Now stands before mo A little child, passing fair; Laughing eyes, full of gleo, Teach chunk and golden hair. 6ho think life all It ocm, And for months, day and hours Bue grasps tho sunbeams, And gnthor Life's fairest flowora, Near to that golden head Silver Is shining, With luster passing rnroj Ago Is refining. . There they are. youth and ago, Long hours beguiling With stories and maxims sago, Talking and smiling. Ify Life book's two pages) The new and tho oldens, The benrtiful ages: The silver and golden. UPSTAIRS AND DOWN. SOFT light from largo hanging lamp Oo. fell npon the daintilv 5 I - 1 i 1 . 1 . t glow centored npon the russets and golds of the chrysanthe mums In the Venetian glass jar, and more faintly illumined the faces of the elderly man and wo man seated at either end, leaving in deep shadow the maid who moved ronnd quietly. There was a suggestion ol constraint in tho atmosphere, the outward evidence whereof lay in the spasmodic attompts at conversation between the master and mistress in a alight uplifting of the chin on the part of the maul. "I saw Purcell Jonos to-day," said fur. Torter during a momentary ab sence of the servant. "Ha," exclaimed his wife with in terest, "and 'ow is he? Where was it you seen him?" "He says he's baok nt the old shop, and," impressively, "I toll you wot. Mariar, if ever I saw a man as " here the return of the maid caused the sub ject to be abruptly dropped. "Wot's this? Ob, frycassed ohioken, Is it? Now a thing I likes, Mariar, is duck. Duck with sage and onion tufting. Wo never 'as it now." "Cook says she don't like to cook onions, Tony. Sbejsays as 'ow she can't get the hoder off 'er 'ands. " "Uinpb," grunted Mr. Porter, and the meal proceeded in silence. When the finger-bowl stage was reached and the door had closed upon tho retreating figure of the servant, Mrs. Portor looked pathetically across the dessert dishes at her husband and heaved a plaintive sigh. Mr. Porter returned the glance with one of pro found sympathy. "Well," he inquired in a carefully modulated voice, "how has it been to day? Have you got on any better?" Care ill became the plump visages of tho worthy couple. To judge from the surroundings their circumstances were affluent. True, a strictly refined taste might have taken exception to the alliance of the purple and gold brocade curtains with the maroon wall paper, or have declared both to war against tho crimson satin gown that graced the lady of the house. A captious critic would porohanoe have pronounced the ornaments of amazing bulk in proportion to their intrinsic value, and have rebelled that the few paintings represented the "Kiss Mammy" School of Art alone. But theso accessories admirably became Mr. and Mrs. Porter, whose portly presences would have struck an inhar monious note in a more aesthetically bedight dwelling. "Oh, Tony," Mrs. Porter replied. "If you only knew what I suffers with those persons in the 'ousel" "Well, my girl, you know was against it. You would 'ave 'em. I said all I could against it. You 'ad to 'ave your own way." "Yes, but, Tony, dear, you know Mrs. Pennithorne persuaded me. She aid as 'ow it would be a Christian charity to give 'em a trial as domes- tios ; for the pore things couldn't get situations as governesses nohow. But I 'ave repented doing it, I must say." "They ain't been speukin' disrespeo ful, Mariar, 'ave they? I'd soon put a stop to that, ladies or no ladies." "Lor, no, Tony, they ain't. But I don't like somehow to order 'em about, aud I always feels as if they looked down on me. 'Cause o' course. Tony, we ain't always been wholesale as we is now." "Never you mind that, Mariar. You're as good a lady as anybody ; and real stylish in your ways. Now, I'm a plain man, and wot I likes is to leave a quiet pipe in the dronn -room, ind to 'ear you play the old toons on Ihe paynoforte like you used to, But there you won't play now, beoause foa think they're sniggering at you lownstuirs 1 "I wouldn't mind that, Tony, if they did their work well; but they don't. This one can't cook a plain chop. If it wasn't for shame's take I'd take the cooking myself. She goes about with her eye-glasses drop ping into the saucepans, and a fine eookery book in her 'and, and she can't boil a cabbage. She just 'ad twelve lessons in fanoy things and thinks she knows all atout it. Mrs. Porter cracked a walnut and shook her head sadly. "An' then lute dinner every night. and them finger bowls and all that well, Mariar, 1 don't want to 'urt your feelin's, and I do like a bit of style when we've company, like the best of 'em, BuC wot 1 say is, give me a good comfortable supper with a snack of something taty. Liver and bacon now, or Irish stew. Ah " Martha used to make 'aveoly Irish Blew," "murmured Mrs. Porter regretfu'ly, "and she could do tripe and onions beautiful. Now what do you think this Christine sail when I asked if she could cook tripe and onions, thinkin' to give yon a treat?" "1 givei it up, Mariar. Go on. "Christino she says as 'ow she 'ad never 'eard of it. Wot was it? And I was castin' about in my mind for an explanation, when Maud she says, with a tort of laugh, 'Oh, it's the entrails of a ruminatin' animal,' she says, 'but I cidn t know it was used for food ; and after that, Tony, I ordered white bait, and a loin of mutton and a pheas ant." "It seems to me, Mariar, that you're losing flesh over this. Yon ain't tho figure you was three mouths ago." "The thing that worries me worst, Tony, is that the 'onse ain't near well enough cleaned. Mnud she docs her best, but (he ain't cot the trainin.' She's afraid to do a bit of scrubbin'. and she does all tie dustin' with gloves on." "Umph. Muffled cats catches no mice'sententiouBly remnrked Mr.Por ter. "Take my word for it.Mariar we'll never feel the 'ouse our own till they're out or it." "And'I'm sure, Tony," went on Mrs. Porter, determined to fully unburden her mind, "that they employ a chair woman surreptitious. 1 saw one slip pin' out by the side door yesterday," "Well, Mariar, there's just one thing to do, and that's to give 'em warnin' at onoe." "Me, Tony? Oh, no, I couldn't Don't ask me. Their third month's up to-morrow, too. If they was only dissatisfied now, and would leave. "Don't you count on that, my girl. They knows when they're oomforta- ble. They're hero for life, except yon Rummons np your courage and chucks em. "Tony, dear, you're a brave man, Won't vou, to please your Mariar, just tell them to go youiself?" said Mrs. Porter coaxingly. But Mr. Porter refused deoidedly, "o, Mariar, nonsense. A man as no business meddiling with woman's aflairs." Then, temporizing, "I'll tell vou wot'll cheer yon up, old girl Yon come into town to-morrow and I'll give yon lunch and a treat to fol low. Wot'll it be?" "Oh. I know, Tony. Pork pies and stout, and we'll go to the Aquarium afterwords." Mand carried the heavy tray down' stairs and dumped it down on the kitchen dresser. The apartment was deoidedly nntidy. Soiled plates loy heaped on the table. Two dirty sauce pans and a greasy baking-pan littered tho steel fender. On the stove the kettle spluttored futiously and boiled over; but the coos, seated in a onair drawn close under the gas jet, was too absorbed in a book to notice matters external. Her cap was se,t awry over a mass of tawny bair drawn loosely bade from a pleasant, studious face. Evidently hers was the artistio tem perament, full of ideals, showing an intense love for the poetio, but useless as regards mere household affairs, Her younger sister Maud was oast in a different mould. Ulever, impetuous, desiring to command, she suffered keenly under the restraint of her present servitude. The knowlodge tli it, while admirably suited to fill tho part of mistress fate had apportioned her tho role of servant, galled her bitterly. Having deposited tho tray on the dresser. Maud cast a disgusted glance round the kitchen, and sank discon solately into a chair. On beooming aware of her presenoa aud attitude, the cook with an effort withdrew her thoughts from the volume and looked inquiringly at her sister through her classes. "Well, what is it to-night, Maud?" she asked placidly. "Ob, Christine, I'm sick of this," was the passionate reply. "Talk of the drudgery of covernessing. Gov ernesses can keep their hands clean, aud look like ladies at least. "But we know we are ladies, dear, interposed the milder Christino, "and governesses are often much worse off than wo ate here. "Governesses never need to come down to a blaok-beetley kitchen at 6.30 on a cold, durk morning, and kindle a fire " "Cloaning the fluos is tho greatest trial I have yet experienced, paren thesized Christine with a shudder. "This is supposed to be a 'good plaoe.' " continued Maud. "I wonder what a bad one is like?" "Well, we might have had washing to do, and windows to clean, and children to look after," replied the more conciliatory Christine. "I do think, Maud, it is because tho work is so new to us that we are awkward aud don't get on quickly." "But it humiliates me to find that work which quite uneducated girls would think nothing of should seem so diilloult to us." "I certainly never anticipated find ing any difficulty." said Christino, thoughtfully, "though naturally what people have been working at all their lives comes easy to tnem. "We are nothing bat rank amateurs, and we must face the fact that a third of our salary wages, 1 beg its pardon is squandered iu socretly employiug a char-womau. "I loathe and detest caps and aprons. too." went on Muud, gutting up and beginning noisily to collect the dishes by way ot letting off her steam. "Jf the postman smirks at me I fcol mad, aud when tho green grocer's luuu tried to kiss me I wanted to murder Home body." "But Mrs. Porter is really kind, dear. She was quite anxious whin you had that cold last week. Only 1 must confess, Maud, that I cannot re spect employers whose only idea of literature is represented by the penny weeklies." "You forget the histories in the library bookcase," Baid Maud, bitterly. "All nncnt. Come, let ns make the best of it," said her gentler sister; yon must look baok and remember how glad we were to be able to come hero together, where there wore no other maids with whom we would have been obliged to associate." "Yen, and look forward to nothing but this endless cleaning and washing up all our liven. But to tell you the plain truth, Christine, I don't believe thoy re satisfied with ns. "Oh ! I never dreamt of that," ex claimed Christine, aghast. "What shall we do if they send us away?" "I don t really care. I know it s silly when we ore so dependent, but I don't feel as if I could endure this ex istence a day longer," and laying her head on the kitohen table, Maud, the dauntless, who had so bravely endured their reverses, worn out by three months of ceaseless, uncongenial toil, burst into an nncontrolable flood of tears. Good Mrs. Porter's already per turbed mind was greatly exercised next morning by the receipt of an epistle from tho faithful Martha, her late cook, stating that, as Martha's mother had now quite recovered, she purposed returning to town that day in quest of a situation, a niece who promised to become a clever house maid accompanying her. "I knows yon are suited, but if you was so kind as to recommend me I will be truely greatful. Hoping as how yon and Master keep your usual health and with Humble respects, I remains, Your Obedient servant, "Martha Goodyear." "A most proper letter, my dear," commented Mrs. Porter, hor ruffled vanity agreeably soothed by Martha's abundant recognition of tho difference in their positions. ' "And a capital cook, too," grunted Mr. Porter, pushing aside his muddy coffee and sodden toast. "Mariar, you send off them girls, and got Martha and her niece to come 'ere, and I'll I'll take yon a trip to Monte Carlo." "Oh, Tony 1" Then, with resolution: "I shall I" But after her husband had departed for the city Mrs. Porter wavered and felt her courage leak away every time she looked towards the bell. Her motherly heart sympathized with the girls. She knew how hard servitude mnst be for them. Still she realized also that no sense of pity for others should prevail upon her to tolerate any circumstances which spoiled her home life. She delayed from moment to moment, however, finally going into her conservatory in tho hope that a little quiet pottering cmong hor plants would restore her mental balance. She had been engaged for nearly half an hour with sundry par cols of hyacinths and narcissus which she potted and tucked away under the staging in a mass of ooconnut fibre against the spring decorations of her house. It was an unusually bright morning for November, and as the sun beat warmly npon the glass roof, Mrs. Porter found the surcease she sought, and began to hum an air. A low but imperative tapping on the conservatory door leading to the lawn made ber start, and turning quiokly she perceived an elderly gentleman standing outside, beckoning mysteri ously to her. lie was not one of those ingenions individuals who suooeed by dint of inward assurance and outward rospeotability in worming thoinselves into private houses with the intention of selling tea or gas burners. That Mrs. Porter saw at a glance; while through the railing of the front gar den she caught a reassuring glimpse of a well appointed brougham. So without more than a momentary hesi tation she opened tho door. "Can I converse with you, madam, upon a most important matter, with out danger of being overheard?" ho demanded. "Yes, sir," replied Mrs. Porter, "you can. Please step in 'ere." "You are Mrs. Porter, I presume?" Mrs. Porter bowed. "There are two inmates of your house in whom I am much interested," went on the visitor, sitting down in tho garden chair offered. "Yes," said Mrs. Porter, interroga tively, hor curiosity aroused. "Thoy occupy at present the posi tions, I understand, of ahem I oook and housemaid?" "They do, sir." A sudden hope darted through Mrs. Porter's mind. Perhaps this gentle man required servants and would take hers. "Huvo you been pleased with their attentions? Have they 'given satis faction' is, I believe, the term used?" "Ye-cs. But will you tell me your reasons for asking?" said Mrs. Porter, strictly on guard. "I may confide in you, madam, that when my late nephew, Roger Cur rutners, died I having had no com munication with him for many years, as I entirely disapproved of his im provident manner of living appeal was made to me on behalf of his two daughters, my grauduieces, who were, as one might have anticipated, left penniless. After careful considera tion of the mutter, I resolved to hold out no helping hand until I saw that the girls wore prepared to help them selves. Keeping myself iuformed, however, regarding their movements. I was gratified to find that they had taken the noblo determination to occupy a menial position rather than be dependent upon tho charity of others. I need nut say, madum," con cluded the old gentleman more con fidentially, "that I admired rov nieces ' for their declaration of independence ; but, as I make a point never to do I anything rashly, I deoiJod to wait un I til three mouths had jdupsud, then, if ; upon inquiry 1 found that they had ably filled a humble fetation, to clTtr them the shelter of a home which they wonld be fitted to adorn." "I am rejoiced toear it," said Mrs. Porter, warmly, "and I may say that in these three months there ain't ever been a cross word passed between them and me," which was true in the letter if not in the spirit. "Then, madam, may I see my niece, whose acquaintance I have yet to make, and at the earliest date that will Buit your convenience I shall take the young ladies home." "Madam, said Maude s voioe from the door leading into the drawing- room, "a pereon who asked me to an nounce her as 'your old Martha,' has called. There is a younger woman with hor." Here was a happy ending of all Mrs, Porter's woe. "Ask 'em to wait, and I'll speak to 'em immediate," she callod. Then turning to the visitor, she exclaimed, air, 1 am appy to ear that your relatives 'as the prospects of so bright a future. They 'as my warmest con gratulations aud permission to go at once." Black and White. SCIEN'IIFIC AM INDUSTRIAL. fifimi aniAnfiafa nnv fltrnrA thnt: ftiA antediluvian people were enormously tall. The taste nerves are two thousand times more sensitive to quinine taan they are to sugar. Gun springs are now tempered by electricity in France. Tho process is rapid and satisfactory. Professor Soham, a German savant, figures that men and women would be healthier and more moral if they wore no clothes. The ground in the natural gas region ot Indiana is said to be so permeated with the gas that it is dangerous to drop a match in a well or any sort of digging in the district. According to Galton tho patterns on the finger tips are not only unchange able through life, but the change of the finger prints of two persons being alike is less than one chance in 61,000 000,000. In distributing telegraph wires for army purposes, preparatory to estab lishing communicating stations, it has been found that a groat eoonomy in time is effected by mounting the reel on a bicycle. At a recent meeting of the Entomo logical Society, of Loudon, Mr. Stevens exhibited two larvae, supposed to be those of the death-tick beetle, which had boen damaging oil paintings in his possession. It is said that many conductors of electrio cars in Syracuse, N. Y., have been troubled with nictallio poisoning from constant handling of the brass fixtures of the cars. Those who wear gloves are exempt from the trouble. Electricity has been suooessfully em ployed by Dr. M. G. Jenison in check ing hemorrhage from tho extraction of toeth. The enrront oaused instant coagulation of tho blood, and gave re lief where tho usuil remedies were without effect. An electrical publication says that on December 1, 1895, the length of telegraph linos in the world was 00i, 701 miles, and tho total miles of wire used on tb.ess.tuo 2,682,083, or enough to go around the globe at the equator over 107 times. The miles of line in tho United States Jauuary 1, 1893, was 190,303, with, the miles of wire 790,792. A new application of calcium carcide has been discovered by M. Rossel. By beating powered carbide with mag nesium in a current of air he suooeeded in fixing the nitrogen in the air, the products being lime and nitride of magnesium. This compound immersed in water decomposes, giving out am monia. M. Rossel has also obtained combinations of nitrogon with alumi num and iron. A small living South American ro dent, not quite as big as a rat, has been found to be closely related to, and a surviving representative of, some of the foisil marsupials recently described by the Portuguese geolo gist, Ameghino, from the Santa Cruz beds of Patagonia. It is, therefore, supposed to beloug to a new family, quite distinct from all marsupiuhj hitherto known. A Colossal Status ot Berolliia. The colossal statue of Berolina, tho allegorical representative of the city of Berlin, in tho Alexander Platz, of that city, will soon bo unveiled with imposing ceremonies. It is twenty-fivo feet high from the feet to the crown, and will stand on a pedestal of red granite of equal height. Dressed in a coat of mail and covered by a flowing gown, the strong but still well-rounddtl shape of the figure is shown to best advantage. The left hand is held out as if extended to welcome, while the right is resting on a shield. On tho breast she wears ou a long chain a copy of the gold medal with the por trait of King Frederiok William III, whioh was givon by that monarch to the Mayor of Berlin, to be worn as an insignia of his oflice. The soulptor, Protessor E. Hundrieser, has boen sig nnlly honored by the German Emperor for tho work. New York Tribune. What Cause Hot Waves, not wave3 oro caused by low area appearing iu the northwest aud mov ing east and touth, thus bringing about warm winds from tho south, aud disappearing as the development of high ureas in the northwest. One of the accompanying phenomena of hot w uvea wus hot winds coming from tho louthwest, their cause being some what obscure. l'r. l'raukenlield btutes that as a rule they move iu nar row belts, mmmi) from 100 feet to ! hiilf a mile iu width. No good cause can be assigned for this, mve, proha- ' b!.v, 'local topography. Bostuu Oulti-vatur, THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARK TOLD J1Y THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRE33. A Crucial Year A Truthful Clirl Modern .Justice Her Idc A Schemer No New In It, Ktc. Alas, 'tis eighteen ninnty-ix .nd hnvhful man mint fuller; For woman now with elver Irieks Will spoed him to the altar. Detroit Free TreKr. A TRTTHFrt, OIRt. Papa (on tho top of the stairc) "1b that young man gono, Mamie?" Mamie "Yos, papa; awfully I" Judge, MODERN. Ho "Why did you accept mo?" She "Why I I Hove l you." He "You don't say so I Why, this it astonishing." Truth. rnF.jcDicBD, PEnnAra. "The chief faotors of Chio:jo'n suc cess," began tho largo man with tho suspicious diamsnd, "are " "Malefactors," bitterly remarked the man who usod to thiuk ho know Bomothing about wheat. Cincinnati Enquirer. LIKE3 IT WEM, ENOt'OIT. Paternal Visitor "Do you like to go to school, little boy?" Little Boy "Yes, I like goin' to school well enough and comin' homo all right. What I don't like is bavin' to stay cooped np in thcro between times." Somervillo Journal. A SCHEMER. Ha "I'm afraid I couldn't mako you happy, darling, on only $2000 a year." She "Oh, it's plenty I Withooon omy I can dress on 01500, and just think, dear, we can have all the rest for household expenses I" Life. i;o WONDER. The Phrenologist "Yonr bump of self-esteem is enormously developed." Tho Patient "Do you blame it? The other day my wife sent mo down town with a pieoe of goods to match, and she says I did it better than sho could have done it herself." Puck. JUSTICE. Willie "I was kept in to-day for throwing a plug of paper at anothor boy." Mamma "And wasn't that perfectly just ?" Willie "I don't think so, mamma, when I missed the boy by a foot." Truth. A VALUABLE ACQUISITION. Mr.Cohonhoiraer "Minuter O'Crion, vos it your liddoi poy dot magician took silver tollurs from his nose and cars at dcr show last night?" Mr. O'Brien "It was my boy Den nis." "How much a veck will you duke for dot poy?" Life. NO NEWS IN IT. "I see," said Mrs. HaHhoroft, "that they have passod an ordinance impos ing a fine on any ono who yells 'lire' in a church." "Oh, well," said tho Cheerful Idiot, "that sort of preaching bus pretty much gone out of date, anyway." Indiaunpolis Journal. SKIMPY DIET. Mrs. Wreakhird (tho landlady) "How is it that you are taking your medicine after dinner? I thought tho doctor told you to take it boforo meals." Mr. Oldboardor "Ho Baid it didn't make any difference as long as I took it on an empty Btomach." HER IDEA. Mrs. Goodkind (laying down her newspaper) "My sakesl Thoso peo plo out in Oklahoma must be a filthy sot." Mr. Goodkiud "Il'm I What muken you thiuk so?" Mrs. Goodkind "Why, I have just been reading about their lyuohiug a man in Rocket City for try iug to clean out the town I" Puck. A ritOl'EII EXPRESSION. "I thiuk geld is being hoarded," observed Manchester. "Nonsense," repliod Burmiugham. "I was iu a bank yesterday an I saw about two quarts of gold coiujja tho counter." "That's a fine way to spoak of gold coin, measuring it as though it wero milk or cider." "Tho expression is all right. Gold comes in quartz." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. SOLD BY THE THOl'SAND. Bacon "IseoNowYcik Stuto has just appointed a new inspector of gas meters. " Egbert "Yes; I saw the announce ment in tho papers." "And now Euglaud is following suit. The Queen has just appointed a poet laureate." "Well, I cau't see tho similarity be tween tho two oflicers." "Why, u poet lnureute is u judge or metres, isn't he?" Statesman. A DIPLOMAT. "Mamma, do you like stories?" 'I like true ones, my child " "Shall I tell you u true one?" "Yes." "But you might not like it." "Oh, yes, I should if you told it." LBut it is quite short.- Well, o:ioo upou a timo thcro was a w.iter bottle-" "Yes, go on." And yesterday I broke it; but I'll never do it "gain," Typoka Cupitu!, A SERENADE. Bleep, love, the world Is sleeping Why should you wake? Bleep, love, the stars are keepiuj Watch lor your sake. Dream, love; a dream's Inslstenca Twine round your heart '. liream, love; in dreams no distance Hol'l us apart. Watnhlng, I stand and tremble, Waking. I sigh; I but a droam resomblo With dawn to fly. Exchange, HUMOR Or' THE DAT. Don't Btand on your dignity too much I Get off occasionally and hus tle. Puck. Teacher "What was Joan of Aro maid of?" Tupil "Made of dust." Boston Transcript. The man who conducts his business in a slipshod manner naturally loses his standing. Pack. Henley "Brown is a very far-seeing man!" Peuley "Yes, when ho is looking baokwards." Truth. Love may be blind, but his sense of hearing is so acute that he never mis takes the jingle of copper for gold. Truth. By having a place for everything and everything in its place, you can be a source of great comfort to care less people who don't remember whero they leave things. Puck. Friend "It must be awful to have the newspapers keep saying suoh things about yon." Political Candi date "Yes, but suppose they didn't say anything at all!" Somervillo Journal. - . "Does the old fellow have money?' "I rather think so." "Makes a show, doeB he?" "Oh.no but his daugh ter, who in thirty-five years 'old and awfully ugly, was married last week." Gothamite. May "They toll me your engage ment with Charley Gumpleigh is broken. How did it happen ?" Carrio "It is no mystery. Tho fact is, ho was too frnsh to keep; that's all." Boston Transcript. Hicks "Time9 aro pretty hard, I can tell you. Why, it's ill 1 can do to keep my family out of the almshouse." Wicks "And is the ulnisUouso in your town really so attractive as that ?" Boston Transcript. Softlcigh "Tho Widow Passo pro posed to me last night." SappeheAil "Really I What did you say?" Softloigh "Told her I'd be a son to her. Yon see, her daughter got thero firt." Philadelphia Record. "Oh, dear," sighed Mrs. Curaso as Bhe tossed about in bed, "I'm suffer ing dreadfully from insomnia." "Go to sleep and you'll bo all right," growled Mr. Cumso as ho rolled over and began to snore again. Judge. Hubby "When I first got married I detorminod to have no laro items of exponso iu housekeeping, but I .find, after all, that it is the littlo things that count." Batch "How nviuy havo you?" Hubby "I have four." Detroit Free Press. Tho person who will construct some phrases with which a man who has fallen down on a slippery sidewalk can adequately express himself with out shocking tho pnnsers-by aud lay ing himself liable to arreat, wi'l do much to advauco the cause of civiliza tion. Puck. "I might as well plead guilty, judge," ownod up tho penitent pris oner at the bar. "If it had been a bolt of laoo or a basket of diamond you might havo called it kleptomauiu and let me go, but I don't reckon thai would work in this case. I stole the hog, judge." Chicago Tribune. Charity is a divine attribute, bui the m ii u who sets out to practice it soon discovers that it is a one-sided af fair. It is regarded by the other felloi as a very slick and easy way of getting something for nothing. Be charita ble, but keep a bucksaw aud half s cord of wood oa hand. Detroit Free rross. A lawyer residing in tho North ol England, and noted for Ins laconic stylo of expression, sent tho following terse and witty noto to a refractory client, who would not succumb to bis reiterated domauds for tho payinonl of his bill: ".Sir, if you pay the en closed, you will oblige in. If you do not, 1 shall oblige you." rittsburij Bulletin. lidoi'Ia's Family. Queen Victoria has had nine chil dren, seven of whom are living ; forty one grandchildren, of whom thirty three ro living, and twenty-three creut-childrou, all of whom aro living. Her oldect great-gr-tuduhild is the l'riueess Feodoro, of Snxo-Meiuiugeu, seventeen years of age, whoso mar riugo is now under discussion. At tho Queen is iu good-health, she may yet live to sou a great-great-graud-child, w hich no sovereign of Euglaud ever did. New York World. kitty Saved Tlie u All. At a llro in Mr. Tasker'u boar liuj house, Inter vale, N. J., last October, a cut was fceeu coming out with a kit ten in ber mouth. D.'posiliu. it iu a place of surety she Hew back iuto the burning building ami brought out uu other. Hack nut forth Ihe pool mother rau until every iitu of tho lit ter was saved. Who eo il I havo done more? Our Dumb Aunua's 'Hie raiiioau "War." Tho Fa'uoaii "vvar" of lxsj was tha rehult of a quarrel between a uativt aud a German, iu whie'i the German's Uoso was brokeu. lesi.le i f twenty four hours Germany hud demanded 81000 fur that brokeu uuse, uud Jjl(, 000 '.for the depredation committed on Gorman plantations tho year bo fore, lit. Louis yiybe Deuioeiat, I
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers