THE FOREST REPUBLICAN It pnblliihmi every TVednonday, by J. E. WENK. Olfloe ia Smenrbaugh & Co.'a Bulldina, MM STREET, TIOSKSTA, Ti. RATES OF ADVERTISING. One Square, on Inch, on hvertlon.. ..$ 1 00 On Square, ore Inch, on month............ I 00 One Square, on Inch, thre month. OS One Sqoare, one Inch, one year 1 Two Sinar, one year If (M Quarter Column, on jear. H to Half Column, one year H M On Colnmn, on year ..............I Leiral advertisement, ten ceete n line eaeh la artlota. Marriage and death notice rratt Ait bllla for yearly adTOrtuemann ealfachid qnae. terly. Temporary edTOTtUemeat maat a nam ia ad ranee. Job work aah on delivery. mttm Terms, tl.BO per Year. no mbiorlpttona received for a shorter period than three month. Oarrnponlnnc solicited from nil parti of tli n.ntry. No nolle will be taka of snonrmoiu communication.. VOL. XVIII. NO. 29. TIONESTA. PA., WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1885. $1.50 PER ANNUM. SILEXT MUSIC. Melodious silence refgna from hilt to hill. For there may be sweet music without aound. Tbe wistful autumn, goU-and-ru9set gowned. Both all our souls with rhythmic feeling fill; Un winter days, when nil is bioak and chill, And each bare limb it with a snow ridge crowned In that white prospect melodies abound C I . l , . . ... oumns wo near not, du WDlcn our senses thrill; On still, spring days, when the buds bedeck the trees, And bright green leaves shine through a blossom storm, And in the listless, dreamy, summer days, Nature Unch with silent harmonios. Beauty is music in whatever shape, It smiles on us in nature's mystic ways, ft K. Munkitlrich, in. Good Cluer. A LITTLE FAMILY AFFAIR. Wlion Eden was electrified by tho np pearanco upou walla and fences of a placard announcing that tho "Cecilia Club" would give a concert at Havcr- ford (six miles nway), and Saul Kit tredgo was the "basso profondo." West Eden was far, very far, from the madding crowd, and tho entertainments that came within its rango were wont to be of tho burnt cork variety. They savored of tho ungodly, and of very humblo social sphere. And Saul was Deacon Kittrcdge's only son, and hod been expected to follow in big father's footsteps to bo a deacon of the church, president of tho Eden bank, postmaster of West Kden (the postmastcrship had docended to tho deacon from his father and grandfather tindistuibed by political change, and the deacon regarded it as a respectable heirloom) and for a wife he was to take to himself Mary Willott, tho minister's daughter. All theso pluus were waiting for the baby Saul when ho opened his aston ished blinking black eyes upon tho troublesome world. Alas! Almost from tho day of their opening tho black eyes took riuito different views of life. Boforo their owner was five ho had set littlo Mary Willett down hard in a mud pio, and run off to play with the disre putable children on "tho Flats." "lie's alwers been walkin' the down ward path," said Deacon Peters (of tho other church) as he stopped for a friendly chat at the undertaker's door on tho day when tho placards appeared. "To think; of h s tnrashin' tho schoolmaster who was disciplin' Tildy Slocomb, ono of thorn Flats children, and then runnin' away with a circus when he wa'n't but sixteen! And then ho left college against his father's will and the first thing they knew ho was playactin' in a theatre! And he's cuurtiu' Tildy Slocomb, and means to marry her. They say he prom ised his mother he'd give up the play actin', but I don't know but this is jest as bad. His father has cast him oil and forbid him the house, but he's terribly broke down by it. Well, he's been a prosperous mau, Deacon Kittredire has, and you can't expect to fly in the face of l'roverdunce every way." "Saul wa'n't never what you could call godly given," said Job Fisher, the undertaker, a fat and jovial man, who was at work upon n willow baby car riage, cradles and baby carriages being cheerfully mingled with the legitimate products of his craft all over his shop. "But he always seemed to . me like a skittish colt; there wa'n't nothin' really wicked about him." "I'm afraid Saul never had any real iziu' scuso of solum things," suid the deacon. "But there is Deacon Kit tredge rcadiu' one of the bills; it is cer tainly a time to offer Christian sym pathy. " "It aint playactin," said the under taker to hiinstlf as tho deacon departed, "if basso prolundo does sound like swearing', and somehow puts you in mind of tho bp Shoe; and if nobody else don't, Man y I'll go over to hear Sutil sing." When Deacon Kittrcdge saw the doa cou of tho other church coming toward him he hurried away "I can't talk about It no, I can't never talk about it to anybody but tho Lord and Laviny," ho murmured to himself. The postollico was an excreseuce upon the side of tho largo low farmhouse which Deacou Kittredgo's grandfather had built; an ornamental excrescence, for West Eden was not, after all, so far from the madding crowd but that hints of the new styles of architecture reached it, and tho postoflice was an aspiring work box bedaubed with fiendish reds and yc'lows, of which tho 6olid, respect able old house looked thoroughlv ushamed. Tho family sitting-room had been tho postollico, and the new post ollice opened out of it; otherwise she should have died of homesickness after it was built, Mrs. Kittredge declared. Mrs. Kittredgo had become lame by reason of chronic rheumatism, and was unable to get about much, and if it hud not been for the postctico she couldn't, as she often declared, have "kept up so with what was goin' cn." She knew whom everybody's letters were from; she sometimes waked the deacon ia the dead of night with shrewd guesses as to their contents; and, never theless, she had hailed with delight the advent of postal card. Of late the deacon had been ponder ing deeply the reasons why such a judg ment should havo come upon him in the person of his only son, and the suspicion had struck him like a sudden blow that Laviuy was "light-minded." She certainly had not seemed so in her youth; she hud been reckoned a most discreet and proper wife for an incipient deacon. Her love of gossip hud been latent until she had passed middle age, but he could seo that it now increased tosstactly. And it was not the gossip alone. Ho had lately found tinder tho cushion of her chair, in a search for 7AoiCz Messenger, a paper-covered book with tho astonish ing title: "The Stolen Bride, or Tho Mystery of tho Mont." J.aviny was light-minded. But Laviny was tho wife of his bosom; ho hurried home to consult with her about this new troublo that had fallen upon them. He found her perched upon the high stool behind the rows of pigeon-holes in the postoflice scrutinizing through her glosses the superscription of a letter. "Xehcuiinh, Tildy Slocomb has got a leltcr, and it's a man's writing, but I don't think it's Saul's. The postmark beats mo." "I hear that she has gono to Eden to work in a milliner's shop since her father died," said the deacon. "We must send the letter over." "Now, it's queer I didn't know sho'd gone. Folks won't take the trouble to tell a poor lame old woman what's goin' on, said Mrs. Kittridgo, plaintively. "And they won't send postal cards; there ain't half so many goiti between here and Eden as there use 1 to be." The deacon looked up quickly from the bowed position in which he had sat down. He had observed that; he had also overboard whispers which led him to think that his wife's curiosity about tho mails was causing dissatisfaction in the town. Was disgrace in another shape coming upon him in his old age upon him w ho had led so upright, so blame less a life? But no; he only imagined that because trouble had disturbed his nerves: nobodv could suspect Laviny of anything really aisuonoraoie, ana surely they could boar with her harmless curiosity and gossip. "Laviny, Saul has joined a concert troupo. They are going to sing in llaverford to-morrow night; tho bills are posted all over town with 'Saul Kit tredge, basso profondo, on them." Mrs. Kittredgo got down painfully from the high stool a little withered old lndy, but with hair that was still flaxen and childish blue eyes. "Oh, Nehemiah, our Saul!" she said, with a gasp, stretching her little trembling hands out toward him. "But maybe it ain't so.bad. Don't look so, Nehemiah." Deacon Kittredge groaned. "I don't see why we should have had such a son, Laviny," be said, shaking his gray head heavily. "But there! it's the Lord's judgment on us, and we must bear it." And the deacon went to his closet, and on his rigid old knees sought to discover the nieating of tho Lord's judgment. After supper he wended his way to the weekly prayer meeting. Huldah, the "help," went too, and Mrs. Kittredge was left alone. As soon as both were gone, and the doors fastened behind them, she went into the postoflice, and took tho letter addressed to Tildy Siycouib again from its pigeon-hole Tildy Slicorab who had come of "shiftless" stock, who wore pink bonnets, and went to dances, and flirted with tho stage-driver. "If it ain't; from Sau!. I want to know it; and if it is, seems as if I ought to know it. And I never saw a postmark that I couldn't make out before. If there was any postal cards to put ray mind on, maybe I could stop, thinkin' about it; or if I knew just how it was about Arvilly Wright's beau jiltin' her, but I can't bo took up with that book Miss Skinner) brought roe, I feel so wicked readin' it; and it don't pay, for there ain't a word of truth in it. I should like to know who has written to Tildy Slocomb." She held the letter up between her eyes and the lump that stood in a bracket on the wall. "I don't see why Nehemiah was bent on bavin' everything so high up here letter boxes and stools and lumps and all. I'll take tho letter out into tho sitlin' roora. But come to think of it, I should feel kind of awkward hidin' it away, if anybody should happen to come in, and it's warmer and not so lonesome in the kichen." So in the kitchen Mrs. Kittredge went, with the precious letter hidden under her little worsted capo, although there was nobody to see but Saul's old gray cat, a lineal descendant of the one that had brought up her family ia old Mr. Hollis's coffin. The kitchen was a large one with win dows on two sides. Mrs. Kittredge care fully pulled down the curtains of the two windows whose outside blinds were not closed ; they were not used to coming down, and made very hard work of it, which seemed to give har a guilty feel ing. The postmark was so blurred that senrcely a letter was distinguishable. Sho held the letter up before the lamp. Her conscience gave twinges, but ono could never discover any secrets in that way only a stray word here and there. One could not discover anything, alas! in this letter; the envelope was too thick, or the outside of the paper was not writ ten upon. Was it Saul's writing? The capital letters did not look like his. If she could see only one word of the inside! She turned the letter over. The envel ope had not stuck together all the way across; she slid her linger in, not to open it only enough to see, perchance, a word. The paper tore there was a rent an iuch long! She uttered an exclamation of dismay, and looked around her as if there were somebody to see. There was; the blind had been opened, and pressed against the pane was a face. With a cry of terror she sprang to her feet, dropping the letter on the floor. At the same instant there came a loud knock ut the buck door, on the other side. It was the deacon's double knock; and with a feeling of reiief Mrs. Kittredge hurried, us fust us her trembling limbs would carry her, into the littlo back entry. She called feebly, and the deacon's voice answered, but still she had to lean against the wall for a moment before sho could find strength to unbolt tbe door, the face was so startling, and it was so terrible to think that somebody had seen her tampering with the letter! Her fingers trembled so that the bolt resisted her efforts. "Good land, Laviny, what is the mat ter?" her husband called, impatiently. When at length the door was opened she fell into his arms, gasping, "Oh, Nehemiah, there's a man looking in at tho window 1 It was Providence that sent you home." "Deacon Stcbbins was there to lead, and I heard something that I wanted so much to tell you that I couldn't stay. Never mind about the man-r-let him look I" The deacon was in astonishingly good spirit. "At that window, was it? Why, the, blinds are shut. You've been dreaming, Laviny." "The blind was open, and there was a man's face pressed against the window and oh, Nehemiah, the letter is gone!" "What letter?" "I brought Tildy Slocomb's letter out here, just to see if I could make out where it came from, and I tore it a little mite, and ha saw me, and he's been in and carried it off! No, I haven't put it in my pocket, nor mislaid It anywhere; it's gone!" The deacon hastened to the wood-shed door; it was open. "And I turned that button the very first thing after Iluldy went out! How could he have got in?" said Mrs. Kit tredge. I The deacon bowed his head upon his hands and groaned. "It couldn't be of any great conse quence, Nehemiah, a letter of Tildy Slo comb's," faltered his wife. "You don't think it's goin' to make great trouble?" "lhe letter was in our Keeping; wo must account for it. If nothing was ever said about it, it would be our duty to tell just how it was lost," said the deacon. "I s'pose you're right," said his wife (as she had said a thousand times since their wedding day); "but it's hard; it will look so much as if I meant to open it! Nehemiah, you don't suppose they'll turn us out?" The deacon walked the floor with great strides. "We shall have lost peo ple's trust; if I am not turned out, I shall give up the office." He kept back the reproaches that rose to his hps, but he walked into the sitting-room and closed the door behind him. He opened it soon, however, and said, in a gentler tone, "Laviny, I was going to tell you something that I heard about Saul." The little woman hurried to him, her anxious blue eyes overflowing at the mention of her son's name. "The minister says that the musical company that Saul belongs to is nothing like a minstrel troop; he says it's respect able. He seemed to think we needn't feel so bad about it." I oan't . think of anything but how Saul will feel if we're turned out of the postoflice." Mrs. Kittredge suddenly broke down completely. "If I'd never touched that letter and could have things as they were, I would bo willing to swallow even such a bitter pill as Tildy Slocomb," she sobbed Then she crept off to bed, and forgot in a few hours' troubled sleep tho dismal morrow when all the world would see their fall. All night long the deacon paced the sitting-room floor. His wife found him there when she came down in the cheer less morning, and they looked in each other's faces in dumb misery, each with tbe same thought by this time every body in "West Eden might have heard tho story and seen the torn letter. Huldah came bustling in. "Such do in's!" she exclaimed; "trampin's in the house all night, and tracks all around the house, and nobody come inl And I dreamed of makin' currant jelly that wouldn't jell, and that never failed yet to be a sign of trouble. And why folks chould want to stick a letter under the woodshed door, when we've got a whole postollice to tho front ono, is more'n I know!" Mrs. Kittredge's trembling hand snatched the lcttor which Huldah pro duced. It might be no, it was not Tildy Slocomb's letter. It was addressed, in pencil, to Mrs. Kittredge: "Mr Dkar Mother: It was I who took tbe letter. I'm sorry I frightened you. I was sneaking round to get a gliuie of you when father was away, and I knew by your curiosity that the letter was one I had writ ten (a friend directed it forme), and I wanted it back again very much, because well, I had found out things that made me wish I hadn't written to Tildy Klocomb. I can't write much, because 1 in in a hurry to get this back to the place where maybe you'll look for the lost letter, because I'm afraid you may worry about it. But it belonged to me. Ko it's only a little family affair, and neither Tildy Klooomb nor anybody else need know anything about it. I wish I dared to ask you and father to come over to llaverford and nrar me sing. Air. Willett and Mary are coming. ''Your affectionate son, "Haul, Kittkkoob." "Hurry up, Maria! There's another carriageful goin' over to Haver ford to hear Saul sing basso pro fondo," called the jovial undertaker to his wife. "And if it ain't I'm blessed if it ain't! the deacon and Mis' Kit tredge settiu' up as pert as lizards!" Uarttr'$ Jiazar. "I am just as much opposed to tip pling as anybody," said Fenderson; "but, nevertheless, liquor rightly used is a blessing to humanity. When I was ill last winter I actually believe it saved my life." Fogg "Very likely ; but how does that prove that liuuor is a blessing to humanity'" Woi !l'raitiui!yt. Duncan McGregor, the man who" first lived iu the cottage where Grant died, and gave tho name to the mountain, still lives in the BeWbborhood. P0ST0FFICE PECULATORS. THE EXPERIENCES OF A INSPECTOR. VETSKAV Thrilling; cvnd S'enaatlonavl Ca.ee A Truthful Thirf whose) Sentence rmm not Carried Out. Inspector Adsit, of the postollico de partment, whose investigation of the mail robberies in this village resulted in the arrest of young Pierce, is ono of the most experienced men on the force, where ho has been employed many years. There are sixty mail inspectors in all, whose duty it is to "check up" tho ac counts of postmasters where negligence or crookedness is suspected, and to fer ret out embezzlement and thieving. The inspecting of postmasters' accounts is comparatively easy, and young men are assigned to it, as tho main qualification necessary is an accurate knowledge of bookkeeping. Tho old handB are em ployed as detectives, and all the quali ties necessary to the spying out of the most intricate cases are required. Inspector Adult's many years' experi ence, if recorded in the plainest, most unimaginative way, would make a volume much more thrilling and sensational than the fanciful detective stories published, while at the same time it would give touches of human nature in its most varied passes. Mr. Adsit, though natur ally uncommunicative, is an old news- Eaper man, and he told one or two of is experiences while enjoying a cigar and waiting for the 11:20 train to his next base of operations in Northern New York. "About two years ago," he said, "I had a job given mo in Michigan which had troubled the department a good deal. They had been losing money from registered letters which must have been taken out by postollioe clerks at Port Huron or just over the line at Sarnia.and I finally traced it to the former place. There was a boy sixteen years old who worked through the night at the office, and I had reason to believe that he took the money. I sent four decoy letters from separate stations, mailed so that they would be sure to pass through his hands on a certain night. In a memo randum book I took a record of the date and number of tho bank bills I put in each one, and made the hand writing in no two letters alike. I de cided then to watch the postoflice all night to see that no one else went thero. The time selected was a bright, moon light night in September, and, as luck would have it, there had beenNi series of burglaries there just before, including the blowing up of a couple of safes, so that the police were wide awake. I be gan on my beat up and down the alley, and soon saw that a country policeman was watching me. It was not very long before he walked up to me and in a very knowing as well as pompous way said': 'Weil, where are the rest of your gang? You might as well own up now.' I as surred him that I was not a burglar, but was on to watch the postoflice. 'Como. that's too thin,' he said ; 'I saw the post master himself to-night, and he told me to watch the office myself. Come now, g' long with me,' and he started for the station house. If there is anybody in the world I don't give a secret to it's a policeman, for they are suro to tell everything they know. So 1 tried to evade his attempt to discover why I was there. I argued, threatened, showed him my commission and did everything else, and after working for nearly two hours freed myself by consenting to having a man put on to watch' mo. And he actually hired a man to watch me on the corner all night 1 In the morn ing I went into the, postoflice and, find ing the suspected clerk, asked him to show his registered letters. I looked them over and picked out the four I had written. " 'Paul,' faid I, 'now give mo tho money.' He got mad and said he had none. I then made him tuke off his coat and vest, which I searched without suc cess, but found a roll of bills in his trousers. I picked out several, and showing him my memorandum book, made him read and compare tbe marks on tho bills and then on the book for himself. 'You've got me,' and that is all he said. I opened my letters and found that he had taken the money from three, and had put back the bills in the fourth. He did not know that I wrote it, and I asked him why he did not take the $ 5 in that letter. 'Head it,' he said, push ing it over to me. 'It read as if from a poor boy about the clerk's age, who was returning f 25 he had borrowed from a neighbor to help him to a town over the line. It was written to his mother and told in a piti ful way how hard he had worked to save it and how he was saving money for her. The letter had touched him, and he left the money. I could not tell him that the letter was fancy of mine to test his conscience. And he is the only one I ever arrested whose .sentence was not car ried out. He had so many manly quali ties that the judge held the sentence over him on his good behavior, and the money be duln t steul helped to lree bun. "The most of tho criminals we find are under thirty years of uge, and although there are a great many women in the de partment, I never knew of but two who were dishonest. Vcu see they are not tempted to spend money as boys and men are. Extravagunco has been the cause of the ruin of almost every one I have arrested. I believe it was the samo thing that led young Pierce to steal, al though this instance is by no means a marked one. He went with the boys who had rich parents and could not af ford to keep up with them iu style. "I met with a sad case at Ypsilunti, Mich., a few years ago," continued Mr. Adsit. "Tho postmaster, who was one of the leading men of the city in social and religious life, wan found f .'.bl)0 short iu his accounts, and I hud to light him for nearly twr days to prevent liis com mitting suicide. It was singular cube. lie had gone into stock speculation with tho cashier of a bank across the street, and turned over nearly all the large money orders he received for the bank to cash, until it held f2,OO0 dollars worth of them against tho postoflice. He failed in hit speculations and could not meet the orders. I offered to help him make up the deficiency, and advised him to go to friends to borrow and prevent exposure. He confided his cast in one man and becoming discouraged because he refused to ad vancj the money, did not havo the face to go elsewhere. The man had lost a leg in the war, was a prominent member of the leading church and was greatly respected in the com munity, so that when I ex- Cosed him et last the public would not olieve he could have done wrong. 1 was denounced for ruining his reputa tion, and it was not until the bondsmen were called on to make up the deficiency that people began to find out that I had made no mistake. The exposure led to the prompt discharge of the cashier. I have become accustomsd to such abuse, however, and do not mind much about it. One would think that this experi ence would harden me, but it doesn't. I hate to expose a man more than you can realize, and I have more sympathy for human nature the more I know about its'failings." Birds and Their Feathers. The best time for seeing perfect feath ering is in the winter, or onward to the spring; then, after a very short honey moon, the birds settle down to domestic drudgery with exemplary ardor, with the result that at the end of a few weeks their tail-feathers are rough and irregu lar, their pinions worn and ragged from coustant contact with the nest in sitting; and by the time their new suit comes at midsummer they are more than ready for it. The spring, of course, is tho climax of a bird s life. With scrupulous care he arranges hourly his feathers, all their markings are seen to perfection, and many peculiarities of decoration are then and then alone displayed. The fleshy combs and protuberances become scarlet and enlarged, and any one who has not seen a pheasant or cock grouse at this season of love would bo aston ished at the alteration from his normal state. The cock pigeon swells that part of his body most adorned with iridescent feathers to make tthe grandest show he can ; and every humble finch and small bird brushes up his modest finery. It ia said that not a single bright-colored feather on any bird's body is left idle or undis played. If birds have bright-colored tails they raise them to their highest and fullest and abase their heads; if bright heads, then they shake out their plumes, their eye distends, aud thejr wattles swell; and if, as in some cases.they have large tippets of feathers falling on both sides of tho head, they contrive the be wildered hen shall see all the glories of both sides at one glance, and so drag all the feathers of tho far side round to tho near side, making such a huge mass that the face is nearly hidden, and tho pro jecting beak alone shows where tho head must be. All this done for the hen's benefit, and it is only done when she is near; it all turns on her existence, and ceases if she be absent. Magazine of Art. A Korrohboree In Australia. After dinner, which was at 6 p. m., we went to see a korroliboree, where the black fellows were encamped at a short distance from the house. There were two tribes of these, and about two hun dred of Ihem in all. They were paiuted with white and black streaks across the face and chest, and got up in correct style with skins and spears and boomer angs, and by the light of the fires which were kindled in a circle around they looked sufficiently hideous. The tribes danced alternately, and the watchwords of their songs appeared to be half English, half native. A great deal of the action of the dance consisted in striking the ground at the same mo ment, so as to cause an echoing thud with their feet. One of the repeated actions was to cause tho muscles of tho leg and thigh to quiver simultaneously from toe to stomach in a most extraor dinary manner. At the end of each figure they brought themselves up with a strange, deep-toned sound, half hur rah, half grunt, "Wir r r wuh !" They would then wheel right across the inclosed space in line, chattering as fast as they could, upon the women who were sitting upon the ground, and also singing a sort of chorus of a few notes; the line would then wheel back, break up in twos and threes, brandishing their short sticks and clubs over their heads, each man vociferating quickly to his mate, then all of a sudden these inco lierent sounds would all co tlcsco together into a chorus, and the band, again united, would cause tho grouud once more tJkvi brute to the reiterated cadence of their;' stamp. lYincct Juticahl and Nine Ways to Commit Suicide. 1. Wear narrow, thin shoes. 2. Wear a ' snug" corset. II. Sit up iu hot, unventilated rooms till midnight. 4. Sleep on feathers in a small, close room. 5. Eat rich food rapidly and at ir regular times. 0. Use colfee, tea, spirits, aud tobacco. 7. Stuff yourself with cake, coufeo tiouery, and sweetmeats, and swallow f few puteut medicines to get rid of them. 8. Marry a fashionable wife and live beyond your income. V. Employ a fashionable aud needy doctor to attend you in everj slight ail ment. J)io I.eiriit ''Xtitj'jeti." Candor in :m advertisement: crs tuken in." 'Hoard SONQ FROM "THE MIKADO." As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list I've got a little list Of social offenders who might well be tinder ground, And who never would be missed who never would be miseed I There's tho pestilential nuisances who write for autographs All people who have flabby hands and Irrita ting laugbs All children who are np in' dates and floor you with 'em, flat All persons who, in shaking bands, shake hands with you like that And all third persons who on spoiling tete- a-teles insist; They'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed 1 Chorus He's got 'em on the list he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed they'll none of 'em be missed. There's the midnight; serenader and the others of his race And the piano organist I've got him "on the list! ' And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in yonr face They never would be missed they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this and every country but his own; And tbe lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And "who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try ;" And that singular anomaly, the lady novel ist I don't think she'd be missed I'm sure she'd not be missed! Chorus He's got her on the list he's got her on the;ilst; And I don't think she'll be missed I'm sure she'll not be missed! ' And that nisi prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, Tbe judicial (humorist I've got him on the listf All funny fellows, comlo men, and clowns of private life They'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed 1 And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as what d'ye call him Thlng-'em- Bob, and likewise Never-Mind, And 'St 'st 'at and What's-his name, and also You-know-wlu) The task of filling np the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed ! Chorus You may put 'em on the list you may put 'em on tbe list; And they'll none of them be missed they'll none of 'ein be missed! HUMOR OF THE DAY. Established on a sound basis A brass band. The tooth of time One extracted on credit. "The battle is not always to the strong," said the judge, as he awarded the butter premium at a county fair. St. Paul llerald. The latest craze in fancy note paper is a distressingly bright red tint kuown as El Mahdi. it is unruled, stone, as El Mahdi was. Boston fast. Tbe man who made the mosquito bars Kliould with the angels stand. And float around anion? the , A harp within his I. Evansville Argtu. A learned doctor says: "Keep your infants warm." Yes, warm them up even if you have to wear out ten pairs of old slippers. lrovidenc4 Stur. "Circus Soap" is advertised. We sus pect its manufacture is controlled by a ring, and the article is used principally for washing " tumblers. "Norrutousn Herald. HE'S ALWAYS OS HAND. When aid to anyone you loud And you are cheated, lo! How quickly eoiiiua alon a friend To say, " I told you so!" iloslon Courier. Nautical Husband (jokingly) Oh, I'm the mamstay of the family. Wife. Yes, and the jibboon, and the and the Small boy (from experience) And tho spanker, too, mamma. Worcester Ga zette. "Whenever I seo you, Herr Muller, I cannot help thinking of tho thirty marks 1 lent you a year ago!" "Strange how people differ 1 I forget thom regularly every titno Ulaetter. I meet you!" llitgtndt An Augusta, Ga., man is training monkeys to play baseball. The beauty of a monkey baseball player is that if he muffs a ball with his iirst pair of hands he can catch it with his second. Uur. limjton Free l'res. Mrs. Fresh Won't you please favor us with asoug, Miss Porterhouse? Miss Porterhouse Really, Mrs. Fresh, 1 am in very poor voice to-night, and I fear I cannot give satisfaction. "Oh, never mind thut! Everybody is so dull to night, and I have noticed that singiDg will always start conversation. Mo ono will listen to you at all." J'tilahlphUi Cat'. Now doth the maiden forthwith go Through autumn iields to roam, To gather parti colored leaves Aud bear them to her home. Hour ut tr hnurahe picks them up, Until she weary glows. And in lmr b, W t ii -i n comes a rival., And wind iii))Ksi is tier none. Tlieu the the leaves doth pi ess Lx-tngen The pane of scmo book, Ami it tlieui from this tune henceforth, 1'otli never take a lok. llnuloti (liizette.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers