2 l)c imc0 Nciv Blociimcia, pa. WHY I AM A BACHELOR. MY name Is Smith John Smith. I am sixty years of ago noxt birth day, and unmarried. 1 have been in love, however, hopelessly in love, and yet I am a bachelor why I am so, I have now to toll. , During my young days, I had no time to think of the other box. I determined I would make my fortune first, and soe about a wife aftorwards. I worked and strove accumulated and ' denied myself the most harmless pleasures that cost money, yet I did not get rich as fast as I expected, and I had reached forty years of age bofore I thought I was justiflod in looking about me for a wife. When that time came I sot about my task earnestly. I am a business mau, and always go to work systematically. In tho first place,-1 looked through all my ac quaintances and friends. They were not numerous, and I soon found there were no young ladies amongst them who. would suit me. Then I tried the boarding house scheme, by which I mean, I advertised for board and answered all the replies in person. Whenever I saw the young girls in a house, there I took board but none of them would suit me. At last I received an . answer to my advertisement from a widow lady, with one daughter. I called at the house and was ushered into an elegantly furnished parlor where a young lady was seated playing tho piano. In spite of Shakespeare's denunciation of a man who has had no music in his soul, I never had any rausio in mino. I don't know Yankee Doodle from Old Hundred and yet, strange to say, the music sounded quite pretty as it trickled from her fingers. She did not hear me enter,BO continued to play. I listened for some minutes, and then coughed goutly. She turned her head, and with a bluBh, rose from her scat. I think I had never seen so beautiful a girl before. She was not more than eighteen years of ago tall and graceful her form beautiful ly rounded dark auburn hair, which hung in natural ringlets on a swan-like neck. In short, the moment I saw her I perform ed tho immaginary pantomime of slapping my trowsors pocket, and exclaimed mental' ly "here's the girl for my money." "Did you want to see my mother?" asked the lovely creature in a musical voice. "Have I tho pleasure of speaking to Hiss Clarkson ?" I asked. "Yes 'sir." " I have called, Madam, in reference to a note I received 1 believe from your mother stating that you wish to take a single gentleman to board with you. " Yes sir I will fetch my mother." And the fairy bounded out of the room. In a minute or two afterwards, the mother entered the room. If the daughtor was pretty, the mother was decidedly ugly, one was - past lorty, turn, scraggy, wore false teeth and false hair. . When I looked at her, I almost foil tempted to leave the house but then I gazed at the daughter, and determined to remain. The prelim manes were soon arranged, and the next day I took up my board under the roof of widow Clarkson. I soon felt quite at home, and determin ed to make myself as agreeable as possible. I was polite to tho mother, tender to the daughter ; and evidently . pleased the old woman, for I ate but little. Our evenings were very pleasant a young friend of the family used to drop in occasionally, and we piayea wnisu i lie young man was a cousin to the family a rather pleasant young fellow, and the time passed very agreeably away. in the meantime 1 prosecuted my suit earnestly. I have always held it as an ax iom, that if you want to succeed with the younger branches of the family, you must pay attention to the bead there is nothing like procuring "a friend at oourt." This plan I followed. I was very polite to Mrs. Clarkson ; I waited on her at tbo table escorted her to the theatre and opera, and read to her Cobb's last. I got on finely, soon saw that she was very partial to me, In the meantime I did not neglect my suit with the object of my affections. I gazed on her teuderly ; I pressed her hand when ever I had an opportunity, and believed that I pad made considerable Impression on ber young heart. Things went on in this way for more than two months, when I thought it high time that I should bring matters to crisis. One evening I entered the sitting room and found the charming girl alone. The cousin had not yet come, although he now visited the uouse every night. 1 his was too good an opportunity to be lost. " Miss Clarkson," (aid I, approaching her," I wish to have a little conversation with you." ' " I think I can guess what it is about," she said, smiling archly. " You encourage me," I replied, glad to find that my attentions had not been thrown away, aud auguring the bout re sults from this eordial receptiou. "You think you know my errand then ?" Yes, indeed your attentions are too pointed to be mistaken." "I am gratified to find you so discern ing" and I took her hand and now dear Charlotte allow me so to call you since you have penotratod my sooret, I only want your consent to make me a happy man." " Let me sot your mind at rest then, sir I have no objections whatever." I was rather surprised that she consent ed so readily. I think I should have taken it better if she had been a little more coy in the matter. " Dear girl 1" I exclaimed and claiming a lover's privilege, I kissed hor cheek. She did not make the slightest opposition. You consent then," I exclaimed, ' that I shall be your protector through ife?" "You are very kind, sir," returned the fair girl ; " as I said before I have no ob jections." I thought she was very cold in her lan guage, but I put it down to maidenly modesty. " Charlotte your consent has made me the happiest of men when shall tho cere mony take place ?" " Don't you think mamma had better answer tho question you had bettor con sult her on the matter." Truo, my dear child, I admire your delicacy I ran to her on the wings of love Oh what a happy man you have made me?" I am sure sir, I am very glad it was in my power to give you pleasure I do not think you had any reason to doubt my con currence in your wishes." " There is no reading the human heart you know I thought perhaps the differ ences in our ages" " What do two or three years signify?" replied my darling, smiling. Dear girl how kind of you to say that," I returned, charmed with hor deli cacy in considering twenty-two years only as two or three years. " But I will go to your mamma at once, adieu, darling, for a few minutes." So saying, I hurried from the room. I Bent up a message to Mrs. Clarkson that I wished to see her on important business, and would wait on her in tho dining room. In about a quarter of an hour she came down stairs, dressed in a most gorgoous manner but in spite of her toilet I could not help remarking that she looked thin ner and scraggier than ever. Mrs. Clarkson," I commenced, making a most profound bow. " I wish to talk with you on a very important matter one which nearly concerns my happiness." "I shall be pleased to hear what you have to say, sir," replied the widow, tat ing a seat on the sofa by my side. My dear Mrs. Clarkson," I began, for I thought it best to smooth her down, have now been an inmate of your house for two months. I need not dwell on the hap piness I have enjoyed in your oharming society. Your charming daughter and yourself have conspired to make me the happiest of mortals. Your own natural acuteness must have long ago deteoted that my heart is involved. Yes, my dear mad am, I could not gaze on that lovely form without being sensible that this house con. tains a prize as my own and now only wait your consent." " Really, sir," stammered the widow, glancing on the , carpet, " this confession has taken me unawares, I do not know if my daughter would like " " Make your mind easy on that score, my dear Mrs. Clarkson, I have seen your daughter and trained her consent to our marriage." ' " Thoughtful man 1" exclaimed the widow. " I thought this was a strange reply to make, but knew the mother was a little eccentric, and put it down on that score, " Now, my dear madam," I exclaimed. " I only wait for your answer. Will you consent to make me the happiest man in the United States?" " Really, sir, this is so unexpected. You take me so much by surprise, I scarcely know what reply to make. I am a poor lone widow, Mr. Smith. My dear, de parted husband was a kind husband to me, respect for his momory '.' "My dear madam," I interrupted, am sure if the.late Mr. Clarkson is looking down from Heaven at this moment, he would give his consent. I am rich, mad, am ; you shall have a house worthy of your kind heart" " My dear John, I can resist no longer,' and the widow deposited her head of false hair on my heart. I did not expect this demonstration, and gontly removed her bead. Nor did I at first understand her calling me John but then I thought as I was soon to be her son-in-law, that she was addressing me filially. "John," she exclaimed, "dear John, will confess the truth I do love you." " You love me 1" "Yes dear John,, your entreaties have prevailed. I consent to be your wife" and I felt her scraggy arm pass around my neck, while she hugged my face against her hard cheek bone. ' "Madam," I exclaimed, "release mi I hear a step." " No, dear John, I cannot release you Are you not soon to become my dear hus band ?" And she hugged me again harder than before. At that tnoniont the door opened, and the cousin and Miss Clarkson entored the room. When they saw our loving at titude, they retired laughing.' i, , ' " Madam, there's a mistake," I exclaim ed. "I do not wish to marry you, but your daughtor." " What, sir 1" exclaimed the ogress, re leasing her hold. " What do you tell me, you bold, bad man? Is this the way you trifle with a lone widow's feelings? You know as well as I do, that my daughter is to be married to her cousin next week. And you dare to insult me in this manner but if there is any justice in tho land, sir, I will have it." So saying, she bounded out of the room. I received notice to quit that day and three days afterward an action for breech of promise of marriage was commenced against me. It was in vain my counsel tried to explain the mistake. The, evi dence was too strong against me, and I was compelled to pay 5,000 damages. . Since that day I have become a misan thropist, I hate both men and women but especially the latter. The reader now knows whu I am a bach elor. The Apothecary's Squirrel. AN apothecary had a tame squirrel which he was in the frequent habit of regaling with nuts, and which he used to keep in his own private room adjoining his shop. The little fellow was allowed plenty of liberty, for the door of his oage was frequently left open, and he used to climb up doors and windows, and spring thence upon his master's head. On one occasion he jumped npon the broad brim med hat of a Quaker who came into tho Bhop. He made friends with all his mas ter's acquaintances, but if any body teased him he could show that he knew how to bite. As the winter came on, he was in the habit of building himself a nest of any tow he might find about, and used to choose for his residence the pocket of his master's coat. When, in the evening, the coat was taken off and hung upon a nail, the little squirrel would climb up the door on which the nail stood, run down the coat, and take up his quarters in the pock et, carrying in his mouth always a good supply of the tow, which he had prepared and rolled up beforehand, and with which he contrived to make in the pocket the cosiest night's lodging in tho world. Great results followed from this habit of the squirrel's, as yon shall hear. A house breaker, watching his opportunity, selected an especially dark night for getting in through the window of the apothecary's little back room behind the shop, with, as you imagine, no good end In view. ' He knew the apothecary kept no dog, he oould easily guess where his coat was likely to be hanging up. He soon found tho pocket, and was just about to lighten it of purse, pocket-book and keys, when a misfortune totally unexpected befel him. In rumma ging for keys and purse he had struck the sleeping squirrel, of whose strange habits with regard to his bedroom he had not been aware. Not liking to be thus suddenly waked up the little animal gave the thief so sharp a bite on his thumb that he could not forbear yelling with pain, and the master of the house, alarmed at the unu sual sound, came into the room armed with a poker, just as the thief was escaping through the window. The watchman hap pening to be passing, the unwelcome guost was taken into custody ; and as the geese at Rome saved the capital by their cack ling, so the little squirrel had saved his master's property by : lodging in his coat pocket. No creature is too small sooner or later to be of use. A Crumb. . A gentleman relates the following Sojne years since, I boarded at a hotel, the proprietor of which was a newly ' married man. The maiden name of his spouse was Crumb. Immediately after marriage, and when the hotel business commenced, old lady Crumb, her daughter Peggy, and her twd sons, John and Ike, regularly domi ciled themselves within the hospitable walls of the inn. The landlord was a good-natured, easy-going sort of follow, not quite as smart as John Quincy Adams but one day he got off the following. Addressing me, be said : " Look a-byar, Sam, I'll tell you just how it is when I got married, i thought 1 was getting a Crumb, but I'll be hanged if I don't be lieve I've got the hull loaf." tW The farmers in New York state have raised an interesting question as to the right of a railway company not only to take portions of their land; but to render communication between isolated parts of their farms dangorous. The New York Central Railway Company wants land for two extra tracks, near Port Byron, New York, but the farmers referred to refuse to surrender the land without the company will accommodate them in return by build ing a bridge over the tracks, so that the divided farms may have safe communica tion the one with the other. The company attempted to forcibly seize the land and lay the tracks, but the neighbors turned out in force, built breastworks near the disputed territory, and entered upon an armed resistance. The farmers express their willingness to yield if the courts de cide against thom, and application has been made by the railway company to the Supreme Court for a writ of assistance. THE CLOWN'S SERMON. DEEMING this too good to ba lost I have copied it for the columns of TitB Times In order to open the eyes of our Christian professors. One evening when a circus performance in one of the Southern states was about to closo, the clown stopped forward and in a solemn tone addressed the vast assembly present, among which were hundreds of professors Christian of the different do nominations, Methodists, Baptists, Epis copalians, and Presbyterians, in the fol lowing stylo. " My friends, we have taken about six hundred dollars here to-day more money I venture to say than any minister of the gospel in this county will receive for a whole year's service. A large portion of this money was given by church members, a large portion of this audience is made up of members of the church, and yet when your preacher asks you for money to aid in supporting the gospel, you say you are too poor to give anything ; yet you come here and pay dollars to hoar me talk non sense. I am a fool because I am paid for it, I make my living by it. You profess to be wise, and yet you support me in my folly, but perhaps you say you did not come here to see the circus, but the ant mals. Ah, now, this is all your excuse if you come simply to see animals, why did you not look at them and leave ? Now, is not this a pretty place for Christians to be? Do you not feel ashamed of your selves? You oucht to blush in such a place as this." ' An earnest discourse was preached soon afterwards in the neighborhood ; a stirring appeal was made in favor of the cause of missions, the collection amounted to four dollars and tbirty-eieht cents, only think of it ; six hundred dollars for the circus, and only four dollars to preach the gospel, in all the world. Oh how many thore are who are seen at almost every show I You never hear one say, they are too poor, or have no time to serve the devil ; but when it comes to the gospel cause, or to help the poor, then money with them is the great object- Take warning my dear brethren and sisters and pay no one to act the fool or talk non sense to you; and at the Bar of God he will come up as a witness against you. Surely it is helping them along when we go and pay. If we are making ourselves guilty of hell fire by merely saying, Thou fool. Is it less to pay a man to act the fool? In your own estimation, which is the worst, the one who talks nonsense for pay, or the one who pays for It ? We are commanded to let our lights shine ; but are these shining lamps? I fear not. They have no oil, Ah, whither shall they turn ? They try to trim their lamps, and still they will not burn. Professions empty lamps will not avail, When the great Bridegroom comes with his saints to hail. But If their lamps were kindled first by power divine, Or fed by grace they'd never cease to shine. An Eleven-Dollar Bill. Old J , a dealer on Court street had a hard joke played upon him. He had green lad from the country tending for him who has been with him only live or six weeks. Well, J went down town, told the boy to sell all he could. He was away about an hour, when he went into the store, and said : " "Well, John, what luck? Hold any thing?", . "Yes." said John, with a gusto ; "sold a pair of five dollar boots 1" " Good 1" says J " not bad for a wet morning." : Shortly after J went to the money drawer, when he exclaimed sharply " John, where's the money ?" " Why," said John, "its all there." " Why, no," says J , " only two dol lars here, and I left a five and a one here. What has become of it?'' "Why," replied John, " there's a 'loven dollar bill there. The man paid me that eleven dollar bill for tho boots, and gave him back six 1 Ain't that right ?" "The Dickens !" exclaimed J . The poor lad had taken a two dollar bill of the old stereotyped plate on the Suffolk Bank, where in the corner instead of the figure "2," there were the "11" for 3, So Mr. J was out of a pair of five dol lar boots and four dollars in money. ' The Komunce of Love. Two years ago Joel H. Mansfield, of San Francisco, Cal., having become enamored of Miss Mary Hein, and having failed to impress that young lady as favorably as he desired, met her on the street ono after noon and blazed away at her with a pistol. She was with another yonng man at the time. Mansfield fired three times at her. Two of the shots took effect, and for some time Miss Hem's life was in danger. Mansfield was tried two or three times for the assault, but each time the jury dis agreed, and finally, the patience of the prosecuting officers being exhausted, a nolle proiequi was entered. The sequel to this romantlo affair is that a few duys ago, the County Clerk issued a marriage 11 oenso to Mr. Mansfield and Miss Hein, aud during the week they were made one flesh. No place in the world can beat California for the romantic Professional Cards. r E. JUNKIN, Attorney-at-Law, V-nm . 'New Bloomlield, F Office Next door to the resldem errvco.. Pa. Junkin, residence of Judge lull M. MARKEL, Attorney-at-Law. -Offlcewttli Clias. A. Harnett, Esq., Centre Square, adjoining Mortimer's store. JEWIS POTTEIl, AT1UUKEY AT LAW, NEW BLOOMFIELD, PERKY CO., PA. Wrinnaflnnrl All leant niiaitmu onrnfnli.. .... 0 a 1 ,, v im- ed to. 82 vl JAMES II. FERGUSON, Attornov at-I.aw, NEWPORT, PA. -umco Market street, near the square. 36 6 CHARLES H. SMILEY, Attorney at Law. Now Bloonilleld, Perry Co. Pa. Offlcewlth O. A. Burnett. Van., neit Annr to Mortimer's store August 20, 1872 TTM. A. BPONSLER, Attorney-at-Law, TV Ofllce adjoining his resfdenco. on East Main street, New Bloomlield, Perry eo., Pa. S 2 ly CHAS. A. BARNETT, Attorney-at-Law, New Bloomlield, Perry co., Pa. sa-omce adjoining MorUmer1 Store. 82 ly JBAILY, Attorney at Law, Newll!oomttekl,PerryCo.,Pa. Office opposite the Court House, and two doors east of the Perry County Bank. jvniois mi u. mmiuire, ii.sq. June Z7,loj. JOHN G. SHATTO, Surgeon Dentist. ..... ... New Bloomlield, Perry co., Pa. All kinds of Mechanical aud Surgical Dentistry done In the best manner, and at reasonable .Ofllce at his residence, one door East of the Robinson House, and opposite Wm. A. Bponsler's uft w umue. - a ny WM. M. 8UTCH, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW, New Bloomlield, Ferry co., Pa. a-Oftlce Two doors West of K. Mart.ii.ior Store 3 7 ly CHAS. J. T, McINTIRE, Attorney-at-Law, New Bloomlield, Perry co.. Pa. 8" All professional business promptly andf alth fully attended to. 3 2 lv. XVM N- SEIBERT, Attorney-at-Law, TV New Bloomlield, Perry co.,Pa. Bloomlield, 3S31v. I" EWIS POTTER, notary pcblic, New Bloom. J Held, Perry Co., Pa. Deeds, Bonds, Mortgages and Leases carefully prepared and acknowledgements taken. All kinds of Pension and Bounty papers drawn and certified, will also bike depositions to be rend In anv court In the United States.- 7 10 ly TTTM. A. MORRTSOTV, YY JUSTICE OK THE PEACE and GENERAL COLLECTOR, NbwGermantown, Perry co., Pa. a- Remittances will be made promptly for all Collections made. 7 W -yy"It,:LIAM m. suTcn, Justice or the Peace, AND GENERAL COLLECTOR, New Bloomfleld, Perry County, Penn'a 3" Sneclal attention nalrl in rnllectlnnfl of All kinds. Deeds, Bonds, Mortgages and Agreements eatlyn executed. 710tf Auctioneer. The undersigned gives notice that he will cry sales at any point In Ferry or Daupin counties. Orders are solicited and prompt attention will be given. K. D. WELLS, , New Buffalo, Perry co., Fa HEAL ESTATE At Private Sale. The undersigned will sell at private sale his val uable farm situate in Juniata township, Perry co., Pa., adjoining lands of George Ilzell, George Ickes and others, containing 91 -A. ORES, of Red Slate land, about 75 Acres are cleared, and in a high state of cultivation. The balance is well set with timber. The Improvements are a good two story Log and Weatherboarded DWELLING HOUSE, LARGE BANK BARN, TENANT HOUSE, CARRIAGE HOUSE, NEW HOU PEN and WOOD HOUSE. There Is also a Well of good water near the house. Thora are also TWO GOOD APPLE ORCH ARDS on this farm, wltb a variety of other fruit trees. This property Is near the village of Markle vllie In a good neighborhood. Any person desiring to purchase a home, should see this property before making a final invest ment. Price 5,000 s payments, 2,000 on the 1st of April, 1874, at which timo a deed will be delivered, aud possession given . The balance to be paid In tlireeequal annual payments, with interest, to be secured by Judgment bonds. -Call on or address JACOB KLINE, Murkleviile, 1'erry co., Pa., on LEWIS POTTER, 2tf , New Bloomlield, Perry co., Pa. LEBA1STON Mutual Fire Insurance Company, op 1 Jonestown, Fcnn'a. POLICIES PERPETUAL at Low Rates. No Steam risks taken. This In one of the best conducted and most reliable Conipunles in the Slate. Country property Insured Perpetually at 14 00 per thousand, and Town property at $5 00 per thousand. LEWIS POTTER, NKW BLOOMFIELD, PA., i 18 ... Agent for Perry County. LOOK OUT! " would respectively inform my friends that I In . tenu calling upon mem wuu a supply oi guou of my OWN MANUFACTURE. Consisting of GASSIMEH8. OA8SINET8, FLANNELS, (Plain and bar'd) CAltPETS, &., to exchange for wool or sell for cash. J. M. BIXLER. CkntkbWooi.es Factory. e,17,4m 1. U. OIHV1N. T M. GIRVIN & SON, t. H. OIBVIN ConnnlMwIon SXei-cliautM, NO. 8, SPEAR'S WHARF, It a 1 1 1 m o r e M 1 . iUW will pay strict attention to the sale of all kinds of country produce, aud remit the amount promptly. S341y
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