2
l)c imc0 Nciv Blociimcia, pa.
WHY I AM A BACHELOR.
MY name Is Smith John Smith. I
am sixty years of ago noxt birth
day, and unmarried. 1 have been in love,
however, hopelessly in love, and yet I am
a bachelor why I am so, I have now to
toll. ,
During my young days, I had no time
to think of the other box. I determined I
would make my fortune first, and soe
about a wife aftorwards. I worked and
strove accumulated and ' denied myself
the most harmless pleasures that cost
money, yet I did not get rich as fast as I
expected, and I had reached forty years of
age bofore I thought I was justiflod in
looking about me for a wife.
When that time came I sot about my
task earnestly. I am a business mau, and
always go to work systematically. In tho
first place,-1 looked through all my ac
quaintances and friends. They were not
numerous, and I soon found there were no
young ladies amongst them who. would suit
me.
Then I tried the boarding house scheme,
by which I mean, I advertised for board
and answered all the replies in person.
Whenever I saw the young girls in a
house, there I took board but none of
them would suit me. At last I received an
. answer to my advertisement from a widow
lady, with one daughter. I called at the
house and was ushered into an elegantly
furnished parlor where a young lady was
seated playing tho piano. In spite of
Shakespeare's denunciation of a man who
has had no music in his soul, I never had
any rausio in mino. I don't know Yankee
Doodle from Old Hundred and yet,
strange to say, the music sounded quite
pretty as it trickled from her fingers. She
did not hear me enter,BO continued to play.
I listened for some minutes, and then
coughed goutly. She turned her head, and
with a bluBh, rose from her scat. I think
I had never seen so beautiful a girl before.
She was not more than eighteen years of
ago tall and graceful her form beautiful
ly rounded dark auburn hair, which hung
in natural ringlets on a swan-like neck.
In short, the moment I saw her I perform
ed tho immaginary pantomime of slapping
my trowsors pocket, and exclaimed mental'
ly "here's the girl for my money."
"Did you want to see my mother?"
asked the lovely creature in a musical
voice.
"Have I tho pleasure of speaking to
Hiss Clarkson ?" I asked.
"Yes 'sir."
" I have called, Madam, in reference to
a note I received 1 believe from your
mother stating that you wish to take a
single gentleman to board with you.
" Yes sir I will fetch my mother."
And the fairy bounded out of the room.
In a minute or two afterwards, the
mother entered the room. If the daughtor
was pretty, the mother was decidedly ugly,
one was - past lorty, turn, scraggy, wore
false teeth and false hair. . When I looked
at her, I almost foil tempted to leave the
house but then I gazed at the daughter,
and determined to remain. The prelim
manes were soon arranged, and the next
day I took up my board under the roof of
widow Clarkson.
I soon felt quite at home, and determin
ed to make myself as agreeable as possible.
I was polite to tho mother, tender to the
daughter ; and evidently . pleased the old
woman, for I ate but little. Our evenings
were very pleasant a young friend of the
family used to drop in occasionally, and
we piayea wnisu i lie young man was a
cousin to the family a rather pleasant
young fellow, and the time passed very
agreeably away.
in the meantime 1 prosecuted my suit
earnestly. I have always held it as an ax
iom, that if you want to succeed with the
younger branches of the family, you must
pay attention to the bead there is nothing
like procuring "a friend at oourt." This
plan I followed. I was very polite to Mrs.
Clarkson ; I waited on her at tbo table
escorted her to the theatre and opera, and
read to her Cobb's last. I got on finely,
soon saw that she was very partial to me,
In the meantime I did not neglect my suit
with the object of my affections. I gazed
on her teuderly ; I pressed her hand when
ever I had an opportunity, and believed
that I pad made considerable Impression
on ber young heart.
Things went on in this way for more
than two months, when I thought it high
time that I should bring matters to
crisis.
One evening I entered the sitting room
and found the charming girl alone. The
cousin had not yet come, although he now
visited the uouse every night. 1 his was
too good an opportunity to be lost.
" Miss Clarkson," (aid I, approaching
her," I wish to have a little conversation
with you." '
" I think I can guess what it is about,"
she said, smiling archly.
" You encourage me," I replied, glad to
find that my attentions had not been
thrown away, aud auguring the bout re
sults from this eordial receptiou. "You
think you know my errand then ?"
Yes, indeed your attentions are too
pointed to be mistaken."
"I am gratified to find you so discern
ing" and I took her hand and now dear
Charlotte allow me so to call you since
you have penotratod my sooret, I only
want your consent to make me a happy
man."
" Let me sot your mind at rest then, sir
I have no objections whatever."
I was rather surprised that she consent
ed so readily. I think I should have taken
it better if she had been a little more coy
in the matter.
" Dear girl 1" I exclaimed and claiming a
lover's privilege, I kissed hor cheek. She
did not make the slightest opposition.
You consent then," I exclaimed,
' that I shall be your protector through
ife?"
"You are very kind, sir," returned the
fair girl ; " as I said before I have no ob
jections."
I thought she was very cold in her lan
guage, but I put it down to maidenly
modesty.
" Charlotte your consent has made me
the happiest of men when shall tho cere
mony take place ?"
" Don't you think mamma had better
answer tho question you had bettor con
sult her on the matter."
Truo, my dear child, I admire your
delicacy I ran to her on the wings of love
Oh what a happy man you have made
me?"
I am sure sir, I am very glad it was in
my power to give you pleasure I do not
think you had any reason to doubt my con
currence in your wishes."
" There is no reading the human heart
you know I thought perhaps the differ
ences in our ages"
" What do two or three years signify?"
replied my darling, smiling.
Dear girl how kind of you to say
that," I returned, charmed with hor deli
cacy in considering twenty-two years
only as two or three years. " But I will go
to your mamma at once, adieu, darling,
for a few minutes."
So saying, I hurried from the room. I
Bent up a message to Mrs. Clarkson that I
wished to see her on important business,
and would wait on her in tho dining room.
In about a quarter of an hour she came
down stairs, dressed in a most gorgoous
manner but in spite of her toilet I could
not help remarking that she looked thin
ner and scraggier than ever.
Mrs. Clarkson," I commenced, making
a most profound bow. " I wish to talk
with you on a very important matter one
which nearly concerns my happiness."
"I shall be pleased to hear what you
have to say, sir," replied the widow, tat
ing a seat on the sofa by my side.
My dear Mrs. Clarkson," I began, for
I thought it best to smooth her down,
have now been an inmate of your house for
two months. I need not dwell on the hap
piness I have enjoyed in your oharming
society. Your charming daughter and
yourself have conspired to make me the
happiest of mortals. Your own natural
acuteness must have long ago deteoted that
my heart is involved. Yes, my dear mad
am, I could not gaze on that lovely form
without being sensible that this house con.
tains a prize as my own and now only
wait your consent."
" Really, sir," stammered the widow,
glancing on the , carpet, " this confession
has taken me unawares, I do not know if
my daughter would like "
" Make your mind easy on that score,
my dear Mrs. Clarkson, I have seen your
daughter and trained her consent to our
marriage."
' " Thoughtful man 1" exclaimed the
widow.
" I thought this was a strange reply to
make, but knew the mother was a little
eccentric, and put it down on that score,
" Now, my dear madam," I exclaimed.
" I only wait for your answer. Will you
consent to make me the happiest man in
the United States?"
" Really, sir, this is so unexpected. You
take me so much by surprise, I scarcely
know what reply to make. I am a poor
lone widow, Mr. Smith. My dear, de
parted husband was a kind husband to
me, respect for his momory '.'
"My dear madam," I interrupted,
am sure if the.late Mr. Clarkson is looking
down from Heaven at this moment, he
would give his consent. I am rich, mad,
am ; you shall have a house worthy of
your kind heart"
" My dear John, I can resist no longer,'
and the widow deposited her head of false
hair on my heart.
I did not expect this demonstration, and
gontly removed her bead. Nor did I at
first understand her calling me John
but then I thought as I was soon to be her
son-in-law, that she was addressing me
filially.
"John," she exclaimed, "dear John,
will confess the truth I do love you."
" You love me 1"
"Yes dear John,, your entreaties have
prevailed. I consent to be your wife"
and I felt her scraggy arm pass around my
neck, while she hugged my face against
her hard cheek bone.
' "Madam," I exclaimed, "release mi
I hear a step."
" No, dear John, I cannot release you
Are you not soon to become my dear hus
band ?"
And she hugged me again harder than
before. At that tnoniont the door opened,
and the cousin and Miss Clarkson entored
the room. When they saw our loving at
titude, they retired laughing.' i, , '
" Madam, there's a mistake," I exclaim
ed. "I do not wish to marry you, but
your daughtor."
" What, sir 1" exclaimed the ogress, re
leasing her hold. " What do you tell me,
you bold, bad man? Is this the way you
trifle with a lone widow's feelings? You
know as well as I do, that my daughter is
to be married to her cousin next week.
And you dare to insult me in this manner
but if there is any justice in tho land,
sir, I will have it."
So saying, she bounded out of the room.
I received notice to quit that day and
three days afterward an action for breech
of promise of marriage was commenced
against me. It was in vain my counsel
tried to explain the mistake. The, evi
dence was too strong against me, and I
was compelled to pay 5,000 damages. .
Since that day I have become a misan
thropist, I hate both men and women but
especially the latter.
The reader now knows whu I am a bach
elor.
The Apothecary's Squirrel.
AN apothecary had a tame squirrel
which he was in the frequent habit
of regaling with nuts, and which he used
to keep in his own private room adjoining
his shop. The little fellow was allowed
plenty of liberty, for the door of his oage
was frequently left open, and he used to
climb up doors and windows, and spring
thence upon his master's head. On one
occasion he jumped npon the broad brim
med hat of a Quaker who came into tho
Bhop. He made friends with all his mas
ter's acquaintances, but if any body teased
him he could show that he knew how to
bite. As the winter came on, he was in
the habit of building himself a nest of any
tow he might find about, and used to
choose for his residence the pocket of his
master's coat. When, in the evening, the
coat was taken off and hung upon a nail,
the little squirrel would climb up the door
on which the nail stood, run down the
coat, and take up his quarters in the pock
et, carrying in his mouth always a good
supply of the tow, which he had prepared
and rolled up beforehand, and with which
he contrived to make in the pocket the
cosiest night's lodging in tho world.
Great results followed from this habit of
the squirrel's, as yon shall hear. A house
breaker, watching his opportunity, selected
an especially dark night for getting in
through the window of the apothecary's
little back room behind the shop, with, as
you imagine, no good end In view. ' He
knew the apothecary kept no dog, he oould
easily guess where his coat was likely to be
hanging up. He soon found tho pocket,
and was just about to lighten it of purse,
pocket-book and keys, when a misfortune
totally unexpected befel him. In rumma
ging for keys and purse he had struck the
sleeping squirrel, of whose strange habits
with regard to his bedroom he had not been
aware. Not liking to be thus suddenly
waked up the little animal gave the thief
so sharp a bite on his thumb that he could
not forbear yelling with pain, and the
master of the house, alarmed at the unu
sual sound, came into the room armed with
a poker, just as the thief was escaping
through the window. The watchman hap
pening to be passing, the unwelcome guost
was taken into custody ; and as the geese
at Rome saved the capital by their cack
ling, so the little squirrel had saved his
master's property by : lodging in his coat
pocket. No creature is too small sooner or later
to be of use.
A Crumb. .
A gentleman relates the following
Sojne years since, I boarded at a hotel, the
proprietor of which was a newly ' married
man. The maiden name of his spouse was
Crumb. Immediately after marriage, and
when the hotel business commenced, old
lady Crumb, her daughter Peggy, and her
twd sons, John and Ike, regularly domi
ciled themselves within the hospitable
walls of the inn. The landlord was a
good-natured, easy-going sort of follow,
not quite as smart as John Quincy Adams
but one day he got off the following.
Addressing me, be said : " Look a-byar,
Sam, I'll tell you just how it is when I
got married, i thought 1 was getting a
Crumb, but I'll be hanged if I don't be
lieve I've got the hull loaf."
tW The farmers in New York state
have raised an interesting question as to
the right of a railway company not only to
take portions of their land; but to render
communication between isolated parts of
their farms dangorous. The New York
Central Railway Company wants land for
two extra tracks, near Port Byron, New
York, but the farmers referred to refuse to
surrender the land without the company
will accommodate them in return by build
ing a bridge over the tracks, so that the
divided farms may have safe communica
tion the one with the other. The company
attempted to forcibly seize the land and
lay the tracks, but the neighbors turned
out in force, built breastworks near the
disputed territory, and entered upon an
armed resistance. The farmers express
their willingness to yield if the courts de
cide against thom, and application has
been made by the railway company to the
Supreme Court for a writ of assistance.
THE CLOWN'S SERMON.
DEEMING this too good to ba lost I
have copied it for the columns of TitB
Times In order to open the eyes of our
Christian professors.
One evening when a circus performance
in one of the Southern states was about to
closo, the clown stopped forward and in a
solemn tone addressed the vast assembly
present, among which were hundreds of
professors Christian of the different do
nominations, Methodists, Baptists, Epis
copalians, and Presbyterians, in the fol
lowing stylo.
" My friends, we have taken about six
hundred dollars here to-day more money
I venture to say than any minister of the
gospel in this county will receive for a
whole year's service. A large portion of
this money was given by church members,
a large portion of this audience is made up
of members of the church, and yet when
your preacher asks you for money to aid
in supporting the gospel, you say you are
too poor to give anything ; yet you come
here and pay dollars to hoar me talk non
sense. I am a fool because I am paid for
it, I make my living by it. You profess to
be wise, and yet you support me in my
folly, but perhaps you say you did not
come here to see the circus, but the ant
mals. Ah, now, this is all your excuse
if you come simply to see animals, why
did you not look at them and leave ? Now,
is not this a pretty place for Christians to
be? Do you not feel ashamed of your
selves? You oucht to blush in such a
place as this." '
An earnest discourse was preached soon
afterwards in the neighborhood ; a stirring
appeal was made in favor of the cause of
missions, the collection amounted to four
dollars and tbirty-eieht cents, only think
of it ; six hundred dollars for the circus,
and only four dollars to preach the gospel,
in all the world.
Oh how many thore are who are seen at
almost every show I You never hear one
say, they are too poor, or have no time to
serve the devil ; but when it comes to the
gospel cause, or to help the poor, then
money with them is the great object-
Take warning my dear brethren and sisters
and pay no one to act the fool or talk non
sense to you; and at the Bar of God he
will come up as a witness against you.
Surely it is helping them along when we go
and pay. If we are making ourselves
guilty of hell fire by merely saying, Thou
fool. Is it less to pay a man to act the
fool? In your own estimation, which is
the worst, the one who talks nonsense for
pay, or the one who pays for It ? We are
commanded to let our lights shine ; but
are these shining lamps? I fear not.
They have no oil, Ah, whither shall they turn ?
They try to trim their lamps, and still they
will not burn.
Professions empty lamps will not avail,
When the great Bridegroom comes with his
saints to hail.
But If their lamps were kindled first by power
divine,
Or fed by grace they'd never cease to shine.
An Eleven-Dollar Bill.
Old J , a dealer on Court street had a
hard joke played upon him. He had
green lad from the country tending for him
who has been with him only live or six
weeks. Well, J went down town, told
the boy to sell all he could. He was away
about an hour, when he went into the
store, and said : "
"Well, John, what luck? Hold any
thing?", .
"Yes." said John, with a gusto ; "sold
a pair of five dollar boots 1"
" Good 1" says J " not bad for a wet
morning." :
Shortly after J went to the money
drawer, when he exclaimed sharply
" John, where's the money ?"
" Why," said John, "its all there."
" Why, no," says J , " only two dol
lars here, and I left a five and a one here.
What has become of it?''
"Why," replied John, " there's a 'loven
dollar bill there. The man paid me that
eleven dollar bill for tho boots, and
gave him back six 1 Ain't that right ?"
"The Dickens !" exclaimed J .
The poor lad had taken a two dollar bill
of the old stereotyped plate on the Suffolk
Bank, where in the corner instead of the
figure "2," there were the "11" for 3,
So Mr. J was out of a pair of five dol
lar boots and four dollars in money. '
The Komunce of Love.
Two years ago Joel H. Mansfield, of San
Francisco, Cal., having become enamored
of Miss Mary Hein, and having failed to
impress that young lady as favorably as he
desired, met her on the street ono after
noon and blazed away at her with a pistol.
She was with another yonng man at the
time. Mansfield fired three times at her.
Two of the shots took effect, and for some
time Miss Hem's life was in danger.
Mansfield was tried two or three times for
the assault, but each time the jury dis
agreed, and finally, the patience of the
prosecuting officers being exhausted, a
nolle proiequi was entered. The sequel to
this romantlo affair is that a few duys ago,
the County Clerk issued a marriage 11
oenso to Mr. Mansfield and Miss Hein, aud
during the week they were made one flesh.
No place in the world can beat California
for the romantic
Professional Cards.
r E. JUNKIN, Attorney-at-Law,
V-nm . 'New Bloomlield, F
Office Next door to the resldem
errvco.. Pa.
Junkin,
residence of Judge
lull
M. MARKEL, Attorney-at-Law.
-Offlcewttli Clias. A. Harnett, Esq., Centre
Square, adjoining Mortimer's store.
JEWIS POTTEIl,
AT1UUKEY AT LAW,
NEW BLOOMFIELD, PERKY CO., PA.
Wrinnaflnnrl All leant niiaitmu onrnfnli..
.... 0 a 1 ,, v im-
ed to. 82 vl
JAMES II. FERGUSON, Attornov at-I.aw,
NEWPORT, PA.
-umco Market street, near the square. 36 6
CHARLES H. SMILEY, Attorney at Law.
Now Bloonilleld, Perry Co. Pa.
Offlcewlth O. A. Burnett. Van., neit Annr
to Mortimer's store August 20, 1872
TTM. A. BPONSLER, Attorney-at-Law,
TV Ofllce adjoining his resfdenco. on East
Main street, New Bloomlield, Perry eo., Pa. S 2 ly
CHAS. A. BARNETT, Attorney-at-Law,
New Bloomlield, Perry co., Pa.
sa-omce adjoining MorUmer1 Store. 82 ly
JBAILY, Attorney at Law,
Newll!oomttekl,PerryCo.,Pa.
Office opposite the Court House, and two
doors east of the Perry County Bank.
jvniois mi u. mmiuire, ii.sq. June Z7,loj.
JOHN G. SHATTO, Surgeon Dentist.
..... ... New Bloomlield, Perry co., Pa.
All kinds of Mechanical aud Surgical Dentistry
done In the best manner, and at reasonable
.Ofllce at his residence, one door East of the
Robinson House, and opposite Wm. A. Bponsler's
uft w umue. - a ny
WM. M. 8UTCH,
ATTORNEY-AT-LAW,
New Bloomlield, Ferry co., Pa.
a-Oftlce Two doors West of K. Mart.ii.ior
Store 3 7 ly
CHAS. J. T, McINTIRE, Attorney-at-Law,
New Bloomlield, Perry co.. Pa.
8" All professional business promptly andf alth
fully attended to. 3 2 lv.
XVM N- SEIBERT, Attorney-at-Law,
TV New Bloomlield, Perry co.,Pa.
Bloomlield, 3S31v.
I" EWIS POTTER, notary pcblic, New Bloom.
J Held, Perry Co., Pa.
Deeds, Bonds, Mortgages and Leases carefully
prepared and acknowledgements taken. All
kinds of Pension and Bounty papers drawn and
certified, will also bike depositions to be rend In
anv court In the United States.- 7 10 ly
TTTM. A. MORRTSOTV,
YY JUSTICE OK THE PEACE and GENERAL
COLLECTOR, NbwGermantown, Perry co., Pa.
a- Remittances will be made promptly for all
Collections made. 7 W
-yy"It,:LIAM m. suTcn,
Justice or the Peace,
AND GENERAL COLLECTOR,
New Bloomfleld, Perry County, Penn'a
3" Sneclal attention nalrl in rnllectlnnfl of All
kinds. Deeds, Bonds, Mortgages and Agreements
eatlyn executed.
710tf
Auctioneer. The undersigned gives
notice that he will cry sales at any point In Ferry
or Daupin counties. Orders are solicited and
prompt attention will be given.
K. D. WELLS,
, New Buffalo,
Perry co., Fa
HEAL ESTATE
At Private Sale.
The undersigned will sell at private sale his val
uable farm situate in Juniata township, Perry co.,
Pa., adjoining lands of George Ilzell, George
Ickes and others, containing
91 -A. ORES,
of Red Slate land, about 75 Acres are cleared, and
in a high state of cultivation. The balance is
well set with timber.
The Improvements are a good two story Log
and Weatherboarded
DWELLING HOUSE,
LARGE BANK BARN,
TENANT HOUSE, CARRIAGE HOUSE, NEW
HOU PEN and WOOD HOUSE.
There Is also a Well of good water near the
house.
Thora are also TWO GOOD APPLE ORCH
ARDS on this farm, wltb a variety of other fruit
trees. This property Is near the village of Markle
vllie In a good neighborhood.
Any person desiring to purchase a home, should
see this property before making a final invest
ment. Price 5,000 s payments, 2,000 on the 1st of
April, 1874, at which timo a deed will be delivered,
aud possession given . The balance to be paid In
tlireeequal annual payments, with interest, to be
secured by Judgment bonds.
-Call on or address
JACOB KLINE,
Murkleviile, 1'erry co., Pa.,
on
LEWIS POTTER,
2tf , New Bloomlield, Perry co., Pa.
LEBA1STON
Mutual Fire Insurance Company,
op 1
Jonestown, Fcnn'a.
POLICIES PERPETUAL at Low Rates. No
Steam risks taken. This In one of the best
conducted and most reliable Conipunles in the
Slate. Country property Insured Perpetually
at 14 00 per thousand, and Town property at $5 00
per thousand.
LEWIS POTTER,
NKW BLOOMFIELD, PA.,
i 18 ... Agent for Perry County.
LOOK OUT!
" would respectively inform my friends that I In
. tenu calling upon mem wuu a supply oi guou
of my
OWN MANUFACTURE.
Consisting of
GASSIMEH8.
OA8SINET8,
FLANNELS, (Plain and bar'd)
CAltPETS, &.,
to exchange for wool or sell for cash.
J. M. BIXLER.
CkntkbWooi.es Factory. e,17,4m
1. U. OIHV1N.
T M. GIRVIN & SON,
t. H. OIBVIN
ConnnlMwIon SXei-cliautM,
NO. 8, SPEAR'S WHARF,
It a 1 1 1 m o r e M 1 .
iUW will pay strict attention to the sale of all
kinds of country produce, aud remit the amount
promptly. S341y