A Mad Judge. A judge out in Western Pennsylvania went in the river to bath the other nior ning. and while ho was swimming about, some abandoned scoundrel Btolo all his clothes, excent his Inch hat and umbrella. We won't try to tell how mad the Judge was, because although the English lan guage is copious, its most cflicient and vigorous adjectives aro entirely unequal to the oxnressiou of certain degrees of emotion. But ho stayed in the water about four hours, experimenting with the different kinds of imprecations, and en (levering to select two or thrco of the sturdiest objurgations for application to tho thief. At last he came out and after mounting tho high hat, he opened tho umbrella and tried to cover bis retreat up the street toward bis house. It ap peared to tho Jndgo that all tho female ' pupils of the boarding schools, and one Woman's Eight's Convention, were out promenading that day ; and that Judge had an awful time going through the Zouave drill with the umbcrella. When ho reached homo bo heard that tho thief bad been captured. Tho Judge is now engaged in writing out his charge to tho jury in advance of the trial. Those who have scon tho rough draft, pay it is the most picturesque law paper ever drawn up in that eouuty. SO?" The following story is told by the New Orleans "I'icayuno" of tho recent annual celebration of tho Voudois : Their strange superstition-requires an idol; not having one on hand for Saturdays celebra tion, they persuaded a well-known citizen to. personate it. For this purpose he mounted a pedestal, arrayed in bis robes of office. It wns inconvenient to sit out in the boiling sun and receive tho peti tions of his worshippers all day long, but when night closed in ho was somewhat surprised to learn that it was tho custom of tho Voudois to sacrifice their idols. On one sido of him Maria Leone was pro paring the sacrificial robe, while on tho other Dr. Anotine was whetting the knifo that was designed to kill him. Matters looked serious. The citizen looked around to appeal for help. Everywhere he met tho upturned faces of tho Voud ois. It was more than be could endure, and with a yell of affright, and a wild jump for liberty, he cleared the circlo at a bound, and made for the woods, tho wholo yelling pack at his heels. But terror lent him flectuess, and diverging towards tho city, he soon, found himself rapidly traversing Elysian Fields street, in direction of Washington Square. Here he met a policeman, who took him iQ-. ; ' ' l'al'8 Opinion of Whiskey. ''. ' Patrick O'lleardou, puts in an appear ance before a Justico on the charge ' of ; habitual drunkenness. : ; ' " You will persist in' drinking, Pat," ' said the magistrate. " Faith, you may well say that ; I'd get thirsty if I didn't." , ; ' 1 "Then you don't drink whoiryouv aro thirsty, but only iQ' fear 1 that you' may beoome S0?'V ;.' ' . .,. i ' "Yes, sir." ' ; . , f.,'i' ' And you think whiskey is better than water?" I ': -,i " It's stronger, sir." " . .' " But do you think it's as. good V' '. .! " 0,. yes, sir, ibecaueet you -can mix them, and the whikkey kills the, inipuri- . tics in the water.'' 1 . , ; ,. ,,, j . " But what kills tie impurities in the whiskey?" asked the Justice. ... 1 . ,. " Nothing at allnrit dqes. all the filling j itself," . he replied,,, triumphantly, and ' looked Very much as if he had, establish ed a proposition that; admitted of no de- rial. ";; ( v " A Chinese Funeral. " ''' A Chinaman who was-murdered in San Francisco recently was given a grand funeral, some fifty carriages of -Celestial sympathizers parading in a. long, proces sion, headed by a discordant band of , Chinese musicians. , The murdered man had been lajd out in a new suit of clothes, with a quantity of feathers placed around his head. ' In his hands were, placed a dirk-knife, and other weapous, with which he is expected to pitch into his murder ers when they arrive in another world 'if he can find them. "- From ' the'1 shoes tho soles were removed, the uppers being left. This was done so1 that he might step softly and reverently into"the 'pres eneeof his Joss'.' As usual.'a' quantity of Chinese provisions' were pnt into the coffin, and left at the1! grave. ' Ohinese wine rice spirit wo also left at the grave : but alas 1 those profane Molican ruflkua of f.be Golden City always,, follow ,these processions, and ruthlessly, gobble all they, can find eatable and drinkable as soon as the paelcs of the Hying i Celestials are turned. ' ..t , 'i..v , . man who married a buxom Truth girl greatly to the horror of, his mo ther and sister, made the following defence I . ''If I oiarried an American girl I wuHt liave an.Jrish gij j to Jake care of ber.end I cannot afford to support boh,, of them," Tbere jsfoo limcb, tuh fa bis reply i tef.Aa apothecary 'originally 'carried hi medicine about in jars iie was a pot; carrier hence; tho word a pot-Le-earries, Tlie Two Mooneys. IN Baltimore, a short time ago, tho death of William P. Mooncy was an nounced, and a day was fixed for his fu neral, to which his iricuds were invited It seems that thcro were in the city two William I'. Mooncys, each of whom bad many acquaintances. Now tho friends of tho living William got an idea that bo was ucau : and so upon tho day appointed for the funeral, they repaired to the houso named in the advertisement, for tho purpose of shedding a regretful tear or two over the remains of their departed friend. The existing Mooney also took n notion to call around, partly to seo his namesake nnd partly that ho might ascer tain how it felt to attend a funeral fit which a William P. Mooncy officiated in tho capacity ot corpso. Ho arrived when tho services wcro nearly ended, and bo stood out iu tho vestibule, waiting for taciu to conclude. When nil was over, souio ot Ins own misguided inends start ed for tho street. They wcro amazed and alarmed to perceive right in tho door way the figure of tho man whom they supposed to bo dead I One ot the party thought it must bo tho apparition ot Mooncy; so ho poked it with his umbrel la to ascertain if it was real. This hurt Mr. Mooncy, and made him so mad that he struck tho prober ot ghosts with tin cane. Thou another of tho party said to him : " ny, Mooncy, what ure you doing out hero ? A man ought to conduct him self better than this at his own funeral." "Whoso funeral ?" said Mooncy. " It's none of initio 1" " See here, Mooney," they all said, " why don't you behave ? You ou"ht not to carry on so, after nil tho good things the minister said about you. It isn't right !" " Who arc you talking about!'" ex claimed William P., indignantly. " I'm as lively as you are." " Mooncy, this is wrong !" urged the crowd ; " this is all wrong. You know you are dead ; you know that your fam ily is roosting around up stairs thcro, crying and going on like mad. You ought to have more respect for their feel ings than to be standing around here fighting. Now just go aud get back into your colli n, and let tho prooession go qui etly to tho cemetery without any more fuss." , . " Durn tho procession," ejaculated tho incensed Mooncy. " I'm no moro dead than you are." "Now, it's of no uso arguing tho point, William," said his friends. " Tho notice has been published in the papers ; the undertaker has fixed you up com fortably in ice ; crapo has been tied on your door-knob, the Board of Trade, has passed resolutions of respect to your mem ory ; they have bought a , nice marblo monument to bold you down, and every thing ; so you must be dead.. You can't go back on tho Board of Trado, Mr. Mooncy ; now, can you ?" , ,i . " It's a mistake," said Mooncy ; it's all a mistake. :Let me explain it to you.' , " Oh, there's no need of explanation." said the friends; 'the corpse is not in order ! -me Bimpio iaci is mat you are a H ucaa man. llere's the weeping family ; there is the hearse, the undertaker, the . minis tor, and the mourners, and in the parlor stands tlie coffinl Now, you' have cot to go in "and be packed up in that coffin, whether you want to or not ! some men never know what is best for 'them,'! any how. ' We 'came here to have a funeral, and a funeral we are going to have, no matter if yod don't like It. ; There' Is no use of saying yon won't, for you have 'got to; so come along 1" - ' ! - Thereupon they seized Mooney "and dragged him Into the parlor. Those who witnessed the encounter say it was terrific! The roport spread' that 'tho corpse was loose, and the Undertaker and tho pall bearers all ' joined In the iray, and the combat thickened, until Mooney broke from his tormentors and darted into the kitchen, where the undertaker knock ed hitu down with a flat iron and pinned him to the floor with a poker through his clothes, until assistance could t9 secured. The, truth was developed then, apd Moon ey was carried carefully to the, hospital in a push cart. When he gets well he in tends to soarch the directory, and to ascer tain if another man named Mooncy lives in Baltimore. If there is such u being, William 1'. proposes to ask the Legisla ture to furnish him with a Chinese name in eighteen syllables, and warranted un like any other in' the whole realm of Na ture."'. ' '""'" -' 1 :" " ' i AMiddllnif CoM Night." " ' " , i u. ii i i i ' '.fii ' . Not lung since a man walked into one of the three stores in a- Western town, and inquired of the proprietor if; he had any more brandy like the last he got there and, was told that he had- .". Well," con- tinued the customer who wasi from a mountain town, f I want to tel you, about the last pint you sold me. ,, I went home lust, night and hung the bottle up by the lire place. ( It was a middling cold night, and when 1 "got up in . the morning I foilnd the, bottle had dropped on the hearth 'and' broke to k thousand pieces ; but, continued tho mountaineer,, 'with animation, " the brandv Was all rldht ! there it hung on the nail,' frfczen solider then thftnifer ! ' 1 "' t ' . ' Agriculture a Fraud. " NOT BY H. O i It 'JIIE basest fraud of earth is agricult ure. She has made mo a thousand promises ana broken every ono ot them. Sho has promised mo early potatoes and tho rain drowned them; lato pota toes, and tho drought has witherod them Sho has promised me euinmur squashes, and the worms have eaten them ; winter squashes, nnd the bugs havo devoured them. Hhe has promised cherries, and tho curculio has stung them, and they con tain living tilings uncomely to tho cyo and unsavory to tho taste. Sho has promised strawberries, und tho young chickens have enveloped them and too cyo cannot seo tlicm. isne nas promised tomatoes, ana tlie old hens have encompassed them. No wonder Cain killed his brother. IIo was a tiller of tho ground. Tho wonder is that ho diden't kill his Father, and then weep becaus ho hadn't a grandfather to kill. No doubt bis Early Koso pota toes, tor which ho paid Adam seven dol lars a barrel, had been cut down by tho bugs, from tho head waters of tho Eu phrates. His Pennsylvania wheat had been winterkilled and wasn t worth cut ting. His Norway oats bad gone to straw, aud would not yield nvo pecks per acre, and his black Spanish water-melons bad becu stolen by tho boys, who had pulled up tho vines, brokcu down his patent picket fence, and written scurrilous dog gerel nil over bis back gate. No wonder bo felt mad when bo saw Ablo whistling ulong with his fine French Merinocs, worth eight dollars a bead, and' wool going up every day. No wonder ho wanted to kill somebody and thought he'd practice on Able. And Noah's getting drunk was not at all surprising, lie had becomo a hus bandman. He bad thrown away magnifi cicnt opportunities, lie might have bad a monopoly of any profession or business. Had bo studied medicine- there would not have been another doctor within a thous and miles to call him "Quack;" and every family would havo bought a bottle of " Noah's Compound Extract of Gopher Wood and Aoti-Dolugo Syrup" As a politician, bo might have carried his own ward solid, and controlled two-thirds of tho delegates in every convention. As a lawyer, he would have been retained in every case tried in . tho Ararct Quarter Session, or the old Ark High Court of Admiralty. But he throw away all these advantages and took to agriculture. For along timo the ground was so wet ho could raise nothing but sweet flags nnd bulrushes, and these at last became a drug in the market: 'What' wonder that when- at last ho did get half a peck of grapes that 1 were not stung to death by Japhct's honey bees bo should hove mado wine and drowned his sorrows in a " flow ing bowl." . ... A Wonderful Clock. It. D. Munson is a presistent Yankee, a native of Williston, Vermont, who has devoted ten of his four-score years to , the achievement of , making a clock that is moro coraplipatcdly ( ingenious than the Strausbourg time-piece, and vastly more serviceable. It ruus eight days, and the diaJ marks the second, minute, hour, and day of 'tho wcekV, inonth and year; a therrilbuioter' rests ogainst its pendulum, giving'the state of temperature; the ball of the pendulum contains a miniature time -piece, which derives its motive powor solely from its ' vibrating 1 position, and keeps accurate time; with this there is. a delightful musical apparatus, which plays an air nt tho end of each hour, and it is piously prccon.trived so, oh .to play pply eaered tunes pn Sunduy,.: beginning and ending with, the " Uoxology." , On national holidays the, airs are. diversified with " Yankee I)ood)ci,",ctc, This won derful time-piece pwents, a black walr nut front ten feet high, twenty inches wide, and ten deep',' and is embellished with profuse scroll-work and national designs. ; ' "' ' More'n Yon'll Keep. ' " : , " in , , Some year ago an old sign ; painter, who was yery eross, very gruff, and a little deaf, was engaged to paint the Ten Com mandments on some tablets in a churub not five miles from Buffalo,', Ho worked two duyn at it, and at the end of the ,gccr ond day the paotor of the, church came to see how the. work 'progressed. .. The ,ohJ mail stood by smoking a short pipe, us the reverend gentleman tan his eyes over the tablets. ' ' "; " Eh 1" said the pastor, as bis ' familiar eye 1 dcteoted something wrong-'in' the wording of the precepts "why, you1 care less old person; you have left a1 part of one of the oommandmonN entirely' out ; don't you see?" .ii .. 1 . I ftr -.t. '! .i " No ; no suuh thing' said the old man, flatting oa his spectacles ; lua, . nothing eft onttnwber " ' ' ; s ' "Why, there" persisted ,tbe pastor; " look at them in the Bible; vou have left some of the commandments out.". " " Wei . , what if I , haye ?" Baid , old Obstinacy, as be ran bis eye complacent ly over his work. '.' There'a more thure than you'll keep 1" ' . ., ; , (. Another and a more correct artist was i ertinldVpd tin th tieit. Ann Mnrrlcd Without Knowing It. A Mr. Thomas Cooper, an English man, has published an account of nis travels in disguised as Thibet, which 'he visited a Chinaman, t Anions his stories is tho following : Ho was just baiting for breakfast, after leaving the Thibetan town of Bathnng, when a group of young girls, gayly dress ed and docked with garlands of flowers, came out of tho grovo ond surrounded him. Somo of them holding his mule, whilo others assisted him to nlight. IIo was then led into a grove, where he found a feast prepared, and after ho had eaten ond smoked his pipo, tho girls camo up to him ognin, " pulling along in their midst a pretty girl of sixteen, ottircd in a silk dress, and adorned with garlands of flowers." " I had already noticed," Mr. Cooper adds, " this girl sitting apart from tho others during tho meal, and was very much astonished when she was reluctant ly dragged up to mo, and mado to scat herself by mysido; and my astonishment was considerably heightened when tho rest of tho girls began to danco around us m a circle,. Binging and throwing their garments around mo and my companion. Tho meaning of this performance was, however, mado clear to Mr. Cooper. Ho had been married without knowing it. At first ho tried to cscapo tho liability entailed upon him; but such ftn outcry was made by all tho people around that he was lorccd to carry oil his brido. IIo managed to get rid of her before very long by transferring her to ono of her re lations, but even that was hot treated ns a dissolution of tho marriage. On bis way back be was joined by a Thibetan dame, about thirty years old, who said sho had como with the consent of her husband, to supply Her daughters place. o can well imagine .Mr. Coopers surprise, at meeting with this novel proposal on the part oi uiH iiiotiicr-in-iaw A Short Courtship. A Cincinnatia paper relates on inci dcut which develops a new feature iu railroad travelling, and shows that courting cau be dono at thirty miles an hour. , It occurred on LaUlo Miami rail road. A lady, somewhat past that period ot ale winch the world would term younur was on her way to this city. At a point on tlie road a traveller took the train After walking up and down between tno fscais, tne gentleman lound no un occupied scat except tho ono half of that upon which the lady had deposited her precious self and crinoline. As the train flew along at express speed, the strangers entered iuto a. cozy conversation. Tho gentleman was pleased end the lady certainly did not pout. After other sub jects had been discussed and worn thread bare, the lady made inquiery ns to the price of sewing-machines, and where such an article could be purchased in the city 1 lie gentleman ventured the opinion that she had " better secure a husband first." By tho time the train arrived at ' the depot in this city, tho proposal had been made and accepted. The party separated; tne gentleman, in good earnest,; started for a license, and the lady made her way to a boardiug-house on Broadway,, above lhird,for a dinner., At two o'clock the gentleman returned with a license aud a justice, to the great astonishment of the lair one, and, alter a few, tears and half- rcmonstrative expressions, she submitted with becoming modesty, and the squire pcriormeu tne little ceremony in atwink ling. The happy couplo departed for Louisville,' en. route for New Orleans and California. ,.. , ( . , , , The Barber Joke. ; ' , '. .. , .i . i. . rpil K celebrated Henry first, Viscount ' I Mellville, was on a visit' to Edin- uurgn, snortiy alter the passing ot some unpopular measure to which he had given support Un the morning after his ar rival, he sent for a barber to (have him at - his hotel. ' This functionary, 'a con siderable humorist, resolved to indicate his sentiments ' respecting his lordship's recent procedure us a legislator. Hav ing decorated his lordship. with an apron, he proceeded to luther his face. Then flourishing the razor, , he suid i " We ore obliged to you, my lord, ' for tne port you lately took in the passing of that odious bill." I 'Oh, you're a politcian I''-said his lordship. " I sent for a barber." I'll shave you directly," added the barber, who, after shaving one hall of the beard rapidly dr6W the back of' the instrument , across his throat, saying, V.Take that,' you traitor !" and : rushed out of the room. ...... . 1 ... Lord Mellville, who concieved that his throat had been out from ear to ear, plac ed the apron about his neck, aud with a gurgling noise shouted " Murder !" Tho waiter immediately! appeared, und, ut his lordship's entreaty, rushed to procure a surgeon.. Three members of the medical faculty were speedily in attendance ; but hia lordship, could scarcely be persuaded by their joint solicitation to ex pone his throat, around which he firmly held tho barber's apron. At length be contented to un examination i but he could only be convinced by lookiug into a mirror, that his throat had been untouched. Ilia lord-; fhip, mortified by the merriment which tlie occurrence excited, speedily , ret urn d BOBBINS' ELECTRIC SOAP, The Iictft in the. World I STRICTLY PURE! NO SAND! NO ROSIN I NO CLAY I NO ADULTERATION' OF ANY KIND 1 Oiildixn am Do lie Wrwltinrr. JVo Watrltlxxinl Jlcqulrat. AO Jlolllng Xccdert. Ill the use qf Vie Vnequuktl and Unapproachablo Dobbins' Electric Soap, Clothes, Money, Fuel, Labor, Time , , , nnd Temper, ALL ARE SAVED! Try It once, nnrt use It ever afterward. Every Grocer Sells It. Every Finally Uses It. , NO ONE CAN DO WITHOUT IT! Le sine that tlio wrapper lias on It tlio out of Mi's. y ami Mr. Knloriirlsn, ami that each bar Is stamned with tho luiim n the inventor .:, and originator, J. 11. Doimms, as nono other is genuine. Like everything of pxont valuo. It Ii extonslvely couiilKifeili'd. nnd the market llllcil Willi lalso ami worthless Meeti'lc Soaps, not worth house-room, nnd dear even If given away. Tim Finest American Toilet Roup, fully eoti.nl to , tlio .'i-eiieli mado by a French soa'pmakoi' in the same nianner ns the French , soaps are made, nnd sold nt one-l'ourth their niice. Is .. TRIPLE SCENTED Bobbins9 Toilet Soap! NO TOILET IS COMPLETE WITHOUT IT ! . , The Vest Emollient in the Market! It Is given tlie preference nt every watering place in tlio country, and is lor snlo evurywhe.ru. lMcaiiso -.VhIc For It Don't be put off with any cheap common soan. Iry it, and see how much BETTER It Is tliiiu wo say.. , , The only Hoot l'ol!h that wlli produce a Krilllan .u 1.1 (.11.1,. k tlio namu 1111IQ preserve the Leather, Ls ; Dobbins' Electric Ecot Polish, Makes Oui Boots Look Like New Ones, Ajjd Calf-skin Like Patent Leather. It is put up In a Patent box, the greatest novelty . . oi the ugo, Tlie box alone Is worth more to ' keep than the price of Box aud Pol ish combined. "KllUGIlXTv'' v . ' I -. .'ill . ; i.i , The Renulne Turkish Bath oompoundiused In all Oriental countries, in the hath, and manufactured by us on a license and royalty, in exact style, odor and quality from tlie original receipt, at that made in Constantinople, nnd Importdutles, prelum on gold, etc., saved, thus enabling us to sell it nt a very low price. Ilv its use a bath becomes Indeed a luxury. Very highly scented, and firoduclng miraculous effects upon tlie sklu. It 1 really worth atrial. . I; i.i if Ii ' n . I i. I- i- ! ( Jlllll.7 !, .-' .!". 1 .!'..-. I --t; ,.! , ., It loo want to rivjoy life ' and drive 'away dull . , care, use for youi Clothes - ' '" ! ' I ' - 1.1 f "H ' i ..',.-' . I ' t'f 7.-ii- . ;.it - iioiiiusrs' ELECTRIC SOAP! '.' " 'i ;. . , Use lor your person DOB BINS' " .. ..ii ...... ' TRIPLE SCENTED t Toilot Soap ! .' I- i ' : ... , USE FOR YOUR BOOTS I)obbinsV Electric Boot Tolish. .;!. ', -I...' ..,.. . l'i ' . ' I' .,; ,'' ,. : , , Use Id tbe Bath ... I ' ... ' ; ; , . .i . , And Subscribe for tlie " Eletlrlc Messenger," ' 'i ).!. a lieautiful Faohlon Paper, sent FKEB to nil who win seuu uieir uaiiiesio tne soie rioprieiors. I, L. CIS AG IN tfc CO., 119 South Tourtb Street, Pbilad&lMiia. 102 Burclay Street, Nsw TT6n. ' 144 State Street!' Boitok. -Hi "i S t' laTTliliaSonp U IbrSaltf by r."Vonlar aV to London. ,,. ,, t . i ' T.rr . ' : .' f. 1 Ce., New BoomBeld, Pa, 4 87 lf-jc'-.t if
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers