A Mad Judge.
A judge out in Western Pennsylvania
went in the river to bath the other nior
ning. and while ho was swimming about,
some abandoned scoundrel Btolo all his
clothes, excent his Inch hat and umbrella.
We won't try to tell how mad the Judge
was, because although the English lan
guage is copious, its most cflicient and
vigorous adjectives aro entirely unequal
to the oxnressiou of certain degrees of
emotion. But ho stayed in the water
about four hours, experimenting with the
different kinds of imprecations, and en
(levering to select two or thrco of the
sturdiest objurgations for application to
tho thief. At last he came out and after
mounting tho high hat, he opened tho
umbrella and tried to cover bis retreat
up the street toward bis house. It ap
peared to tho Jndgo that all tho female
' pupils of the boarding schools, and one
Woman's Eight's Convention, were out
promenading that day ; and that Judge
had an awful time going through the
Zouave drill with the umbcrella. When
ho reached homo bo heard that tho thief
bad been captured. Tho Judge is now
engaged in writing out his charge to tho
jury in advance of the trial. Those who
have scon tho rough draft, pay it is the
most picturesque law paper ever drawn
up in that eouuty.
SO?" The following story is told by the
New Orleans "I'icayuno" of tho recent
annual celebration of tho Voudois : Their
strange superstition-requires an idol; not
having one on hand for Saturdays celebra
tion, they persuaded a well-known citizen
to. personate it. For this purpose he
mounted a pedestal, arrayed in bis robes
of office. It wns inconvenient to sit out
in the boiling sun and receive tho peti
tions of his worshippers all day long, but
when night closed in ho was somewhat
surprised to learn that it was tho custom
of tho Voudois to sacrifice their idols.
On one sido of him Maria Leone was pro
paring the sacrificial robe, while on tho
other Dr. Anotine was whetting the knifo
that was designed to kill him. Matters
looked serious. The citizen looked
around to appeal for help. Everywhere
he met tho upturned faces of tho Voud
ois. It was more than be could endure,
and with a yell of affright, and a wild
jump for liberty, he cleared the circlo at
a bound, and made for the woods, tho
wholo yelling pack at his heels. But
terror lent him flectuess, and diverging
towards tho city, he soon, found himself
rapidly traversing Elysian Fields street,
in direction of Washington Square.
Here he met a policeman, who took him
iQ-. ;
' ' l'al'8 Opinion of Whiskey. ''.
' Patrick O'lleardou, puts in an appear
ance before a Justico on the charge ' of
; habitual drunkenness. : ;
' " You will persist in' drinking, Pat,"
' said the magistrate.
" Faith, you may well say that ; I'd get
thirsty if I didn't." , ;
' 1 "Then you don't drink whoiryouv aro
thirsty, but only iQ' fear 1 that you' may
beoome S0?'V ;.' ' . .,. i '
"Yes, sir." ' ; . , f.,'i'
' And you think whiskey is better than
water?" I ': -,i
" It's stronger, sir." " . .'
" But do you think it's as. good V' '.
.! " 0,. yes, sir, ibecaueet you -can mix
them, and the whikkey kills the, inipuri-
. tics in the water.'' 1 . , ; ,. ,,, j
. " But what kills tie impurities in the
whiskey?" asked the Justice. ... 1 .
,. " Nothing at allnrit dqes. all the filling
j itself," . he replied,,, triumphantly, and
' looked Very much as if he had, establish
ed a proposition that; admitted of no de-
rial. ";;
( v " A Chinese Funeral. "
''' A Chinaman who was-murdered in
San Francisco recently was given a grand
funeral, some fifty carriages of -Celestial
sympathizers parading in a. long, proces
sion, headed by a discordant band of
, Chinese musicians. , The murdered man
had been lajd out in a new suit of clothes,
with a quantity of feathers placed around
his head. ' In his hands were, placed a
dirk-knife, and other weapous, with which
he is expected to pitch into his murder
ers when they arrive in another world
'if he can find them. "- From ' the'1 shoes
tho soles were removed, the uppers being
left. This was done so1 that he might
step softly and reverently into"the 'pres
eneeof his Joss'.' As usual.'a' quantity
of Chinese provisions' were pnt into the
coffin, and left at the1! grave. ' Ohinese
wine rice spirit wo also left at the
grave : but alas 1 those profane Molican
ruflkua of f.be Golden City always,, follow
,these processions, and ruthlessly, gobble
all they, can find eatable and drinkable as
soon as the paelcs of the Hying i Celestials
are turned. ' ..t , 'i..v ,
. man who married a buxom Truth
girl greatly to the horror of, his mo ther
and sister, made the following defence I .
''If I oiarried an American girl I wuHt
liave an.Jrish gij j to Jake care of ber.end
I cannot afford to support boh,, of them,"
Tbere jsfoo limcb, tuh fa bis reply
i tef.Aa apothecary 'originally 'carried
hi medicine about in jars iie was a pot;
carrier hence; tho word a pot-Le-earries,
Tlie Two Mooneys.
IN Baltimore, a short time ago, tho
death of William P. Mooncy was an
nounced, and a day was fixed for his fu
neral, to which his iricuds were invited
It seems that thcro were in the city two
William I'. Mooncys, each of whom bad
many acquaintances. Now tho friends of
tho living William got an idea that bo
was ucau : and so upon tho day appointed
for the funeral, they repaired to the
houso named in the advertisement, for
tho purpose of shedding a regretful tear
or two over the remains of their departed
friend. The existing Mooney also took n
notion to call around, partly to seo his
namesake nnd partly that ho might ascer
tain how it felt to attend a funeral fit
which a William P. Mooncy officiated in
tho capacity ot corpso. Ho arrived when
tho services wcro nearly ended, and bo
stood out iu tho vestibule, waiting for
taciu to conclude. When nil was over,
souio ot Ins own misguided inends start
ed for tho street. They wcro amazed
and alarmed to perceive right in tho door
way the figure of tho man whom they
supposed to bo dead I One ot the party
thought it must bo tho apparition ot
Mooncy; so ho poked it with his umbrel
la to ascertain if it was real. This hurt
Mr. Mooncy, and made him so mad that
he struck tho prober ot ghosts with tin
cane. Thou another of tho party said
to him :
" ny, Mooncy, what ure you doing
out hero ? A man ought to conduct him
self better than this at his own funeral."
"Whoso funeral ?" said Mooncy. " It's
none of initio 1"
" See here, Mooney," they all said,
" why don't you behave ? You ou"ht
not to carry on so, after nil tho good
things the minister said about you. It
isn't right !"
" Who arc you talking about!'" ex
claimed William P., indignantly. " I'm
as lively as you are."
" Mooncy, this is wrong !" urged the
crowd ; " this is all wrong. You know
you are dead ; you know that your fam
ily is roosting around up stairs thcro,
crying and going on like mad. You
ought to have more respect for their feel
ings than to be standing around here
fighting. Now just go aud get back into
your colli n, and let tho prooession go qui
etly to tho cemetery without any more
fuss." ,
. " Durn tho procession," ejaculated tho
incensed Mooncy. " I'm no moro dead
than you are."
"Now, it's of no uso arguing tho
point, William," said his friends. " Tho
notice has been published in the papers ;
the undertaker has fixed you up com
fortably in ice ; crapo has been tied on
your door-knob, the Board of Trade, has
passed resolutions of respect to your mem
ory ; they have bought a , nice marblo
monument to bold you down, and every
thing ; so you must be dead.. You can't
go back on tho Board of Trado, Mr.
Mooncy ; now, can you ?" ,
,i . " It's a mistake," said Mooncy ; it's all
a mistake. :Let me explain it to you.'
, " Oh, there's no need of explanation."
said the friends; 'the corpse is not in order !
-me Bimpio iaci is mat you are a H ucaa
man. llere's the weeping family ; there
is the hearse, the undertaker, the . minis
tor, and the mourners, and in the parlor
stands tlie coffinl Now, you' have cot to
go in "and be packed up in that coffin,
whether you want to or not ! some men
never know what is best for 'them,'! any
how. ' We 'came here to have a funeral,
and a funeral we are going to have, no
matter if yod don't like It. ; There' Is no
use of saying yon won't, for you have 'got
to; so come along 1" - ' ! -
Thereupon they seized Mooney "and
dragged him Into the parlor. Those
who witnessed the encounter say it was
terrific! The roport spread' that 'tho
corpse was loose, and the Undertaker and
tho pall bearers all ' joined In the iray,
and the combat thickened, until Mooney
broke from his tormentors and darted into
the kitchen, where the undertaker knock
ed hitu down with a flat iron and pinned
him to the floor with a poker through his
clothes, until assistance could t9 secured.
The, truth was developed then, apd Moon
ey was carried carefully to the, hospital in
a push cart. When he gets well he in
tends to soarch the directory, and to ascer
tain if another man named Mooncy lives
in Baltimore. If there is such u being,
William 1'. proposes to ask the Legisla
ture to furnish him with a Chinese name
in eighteen syllables, and warranted un
like any other in' the whole realm of Na
ture."'. ' '""'" -' 1 :" " '
i AMiddllnif CoM Night." " ' "
, i u. ii i i i ' '.fii '
. Not lung since a man walked into one
of the three stores in a- Western town,
and inquired of the proprietor if; he had
any more brandy like the last he got there
and, was told that he had- .". Well," con-
tinued the customer who wasi from a
mountain town, f I want to tel you, about
the last pint you sold me. ,, I went home
lust, night and hung the bottle up by the
lire place. ( It was a middling cold night,
and when 1 "got up in . the morning I
foilnd the, bottle had dropped on the
hearth 'and' broke to k thousand pieces ;
but, continued tho mountaineer,, 'with
animation, " the brandv Was all rldht !
there it hung on the nail,' frfczen solider
then thftnifer ! ' 1 "' t ' . '
Agriculture a Fraud.
" NOT BY H. O i
It
'JIIE basest fraud of earth is agricult
ure.
She has made mo a thousand promises
ana broken every ono ot them.
Sho has promised mo early potatoes
and tho rain drowned them; lato pota
toes, and tho drought has witherod them
Sho has promised me euinmur squashes,
and the worms have eaten them ; winter
squashes, nnd the bugs havo devoured
them.
Hhe has promised cherries, and tho
curculio has stung them, and they con
tain living tilings uncomely to tho cyo
and unsavory to tho taste.
Sho has promised strawberries, und
tho young chickens have enveloped them
and too cyo cannot seo tlicm.
isne nas promised tomatoes, ana tlie
old hens have encompassed them.
No wonder Cain killed his brother. IIo
was a tiller of tho ground. Tho wonder
is that ho diden't kill his Father, and
then weep becaus ho hadn't a grandfather
to kill. No doubt bis Early Koso pota
toes, tor which ho paid Adam seven dol
lars a barrel, had been cut down by tho
bugs, from tho head waters of tho Eu
phrates. His Pennsylvania wheat had
been winterkilled and wasn t worth cut
ting. His Norway oats bad gone to straw,
aud would not yield nvo pecks per acre,
and his black Spanish water-melons bad
becu stolen by tho boys, who had pulled
up tho vines, brokcu down his patent
picket fence, and written scurrilous dog
gerel nil over bis back gate. No wonder
bo felt mad when bo saw Ablo whistling
ulong with his fine French Merinocs,
worth eight dollars a bead, and' wool
going up every day. No wonder ho
wanted to kill somebody and thought
he'd practice on Able.
And Noah's getting drunk was not at
all surprising, lie had becomo a hus
bandman. He bad thrown away magnifi
cicnt opportunities, lie might have bad
a monopoly of any profession or business.
Had bo studied medicine- there would not
have been another doctor within a thous
and miles to call him "Quack;" and
every family would havo bought a bottle
of " Noah's Compound Extract of Gopher
Wood and Aoti-Dolugo Syrup" As a
politician, bo might have carried his own
ward solid, and controlled two-thirds of
tho delegates in every convention. As a
lawyer, he would have been retained in
every case tried in . tho Ararct Quarter
Session, or the old Ark High Court of
Admiralty. But he throw away all these
advantages and took to agriculture. For
along timo the ground was so wet ho
could raise nothing but sweet flags nnd
bulrushes, and these at last became a
drug in the market: 'What' wonder that
when- at last ho did get half a peck of
grapes that 1 were not stung to death by
Japhct's honey bees bo should hove mado
wine and drowned his sorrows in a " flow
ing bowl." . ...
A Wonderful Clock.
It. D. Munson is a presistent Yankee,
a native of Williston, Vermont, who has
devoted ten of his four-score years to , the
achievement of , making a clock that is
moro coraplipatcdly ( ingenious than the
Strausbourg time-piece, and vastly more
serviceable. It ruus eight days, and the
diaJ marks the second, minute, hour, and
day of 'tho wcekV, inonth and year; a
therrilbuioter' rests ogainst its pendulum,
giving'the state of temperature; the ball
of the pendulum contains a miniature
time -piece, which derives its motive powor
solely from its ' vibrating 1 position, and
keeps accurate time; with this there is.
a delightful musical apparatus, which
plays an air nt tho end of each hour, and
it is piously prccon.trived so, oh .to play
pply eaered tunes pn Sunduy,.: beginning
and ending with, the " Uoxology." , On
national holidays the, airs are. diversified
with " Yankee I)ood)ci,",ctc, This won
derful time-piece pwents, a black walr
nut front ten feet high, twenty inches
wide, and ten deep',' and is embellished
with profuse scroll-work and national
designs. ; '
"' ' More'n Yon'll Keep. ' " :
, " in
, , Some year ago an old sign ; painter,
who was yery eross, very gruff, and a little
deaf, was engaged to paint the Ten Com
mandments on some tablets in a churub
not five miles from Buffalo,', Ho worked
two duyn at it, and at the end of the ,gccr
ond day the paotor of the, church came to
see how the. work 'progressed. .. The ,ohJ
mail stood by smoking a short pipe, us
the reverend gentleman tan his eyes over
the tablets. ' ' ";
" Eh 1" said the pastor, as bis ' familiar
eye 1 dcteoted something wrong-'in' the
wording of the precepts "why, you1 care
less old person; you have left a1 part of
one of the oommandmonN entirely' out ;
don't you see?" .ii .. 1 . I ftr -.t. '!
.i " No ; no suuh thing' said the old man,
flatting oa his spectacles ; lua, . nothing
eft onttnwber " ' ' ; s '
"Why, there" persisted ,tbe pastor;
" look at them in the Bible; vou have
left some of the commandments out.". "
" Wei . , what if I , haye ?" Baid , old
Obstinacy, as be ran bis eye complacent
ly over his work. '.' There'a more thure
than you'll keep 1" ' . ., ; , (.
Another and a more correct artist was
i ertinldVpd tin th tieit. Ann
Mnrrlcd Without Knowing It.
A Mr. Thomas Cooper, an English
man, has published an account of
nis travels in
disguised as
Thibet, which 'he visited
a Chinaman, t Anions his
stories is tho following :
Ho was just baiting for breakfast, after
leaving the Thibetan town of Bathnng,
when a group of young girls, gayly dress
ed and docked with garlands of flowers,
came out of tho grovo ond surrounded
him. Somo of them holding his mule,
whilo others assisted him to nlight. IIo
was then led into a grove, where he found
a feast prepared, and after ho had eaten
ond smoked his pipo, tho girls camo up
to him ognin, " pulling along in their
midst a pretty girl of sixteen, ottircd in a
silk dress, and adorned with garlands of
flowers." " I had already noticed," Mr.
Cooper adds, " this girl sitting apart from
tho others during tho meal, and was very
much astonished when she was reluctant
ly dragged up to mo, and mado to scat
herself by mysido; and my astonishment
was considerably heightened when tho
rest of tho girls began to danco around us
m a circle,. Binging and throwing their
garments around mo and my companion.
Tho meaning of this performance was,
however, mado clear to Mr. Cooper. Ho
had been married without knowing it.
At first ho tried to cscapo tho liability
entailed upon him; but such ftn outcry was
made by all tho people around that he
was lorccd to carry oil his brido. IIo
managed to get rid of her before very long
by transferring her to ono of her re
lations, but even that was hot treated ns
a dissolution of tho marriage. On bis way
back be was joined by a Thibetan dame,
about thirty years old, who said sho had
como with the consent of her husband, to
supply Her daughters place. o can
well imagine .Mr. Coopers surprise, at
meeting with this novel proposal on the
part oi uiH iiiotiicr-in-iaw
A Short Courtship.
A
Cincinnatia paper relates on inci
dcut which develops a new feature
iu railroad travelling, and shows that
courting cau be dono at thirty miles an
hour. , It occurred on LaUlo Miami rail
road. A lady, somewhat past that period
ot ale winch the world would term younur
was on her way to this city. At a point
on tlie road a traveller took the train
After walking up and down between
tno fscais, tne gentleman lound no un
occupied scat except tho ono half of that
upon which the lady had deposited her
precious self and crinoline. As the train
flew along at express speed, the strangers
entered iuto a. cozy conversation. Tho
gentleman was pleased end the lady
certainly did not pout. After other sub
jects had been discussed and worn thread
bare, the lady made inquiery ns to the
price of sewing-machines, and where such
an article could be purchased in the city
1 lie gentleman ventured the opinion that
she had " better secure a husband first."
By tho time the train arrived at ' the
depot in this city, tho proposal had been
made and accepted. The party separated;
tne gentleman, in good earnest,; started
for a license, and the lady made her way
to a boardiug-house on Broadway,, above
lhird,for a dinner., At two o'clock the
gentleman returned with a license aud a
justice, to the great astonishment of the
lair one, and, alter a few, tears and half-
rcmonstrative expressions, she submitted
with becoming modesty, and the squire
pcriormeu tne little ceremony in atwink
ling. The happy couplo departed for
Louisville,' en. route for New Orleans and
California.
,.. , ( . , , , The Barber Joke. ; '
, '. .. , .i . i. .
rpil K celebrated Henry first, Viscount
' I Mellville, was on a visit' to Edin-
uurgn, snortiy alter the passing ot some
unpopular measure to which he had given
support Un the morning after his ar
rival, he sent for a barber to (have him
at - his hotel. ' This functionary, 'a con
siderable humorist, resolved to indicate
his sentiments ' respecting his lordship's
recent procedure us a legislator. Hav
ing decorated his lordship. with an apron,
he proceeded to luther his face. Then
flourishing the razor, , he suid i
" We ore obliged to you, my lord, ' for
tne port you lately took in the passing of
that odious bill." I
'Oh, you're a politcian I''-said his
lordship. " I sent for a barber."
I'll shave you directly," added the
barber, who, after shaving one hall of
the beard rapidly dr6W the back of' the
instrument , across his throat, saying,
V.Take that,' you traitor !" and : rushed
out of the room. ...... . 1 ...
Lord Mellville, who concieved that his
throat had been out from ear to ear, plac
ed the apron about his neck, aud with a
gurgling noise shouted " Murder !" Tho
waiter immediately! appeared, und, ut his
lordship's entreaty, rushed to procure a
surgeon.. Three members of the medical
faculty were speedily in attendance ; but
hia lordship, could scarcely be persuaded
by their joint solicitation to ex pone his
throat, around which he firmly held tho
barber's apron. At length be contented
to un examination i but he could only be
convinced by lookiug into a mirror, that
his throat had been untouched. Ilia lord-;
fhip, mortified by the merriment which
tlie occurrence excited, speedily , ret urn d
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tliiiu wo say.. , ,
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It is put up In a Patent box, the greatest novelty
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v . ' I -. .'ill . ; i.i ,
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119 South Tourtb Street, Pbilad&lMiia.
102 Burclay Street, Nsw TT6n.
' 144 State Street!' Boitok.
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to London. ,,. ,,
t . i ' T.rr . ' : .' f. 1
Ce., New BoomBeld, Pa, 4 87 lf-jc'-.t if