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John Quill's Farm Experience.
A GOOD BTORT.
TF YOU take my advice you won't
practice agriculture fun. a living.
This thing of being a farmer is all very
nice for you to read about, you know, but
if. you get in the business you wiU'wish,
you had been boru in an orphan asylum),
and died in younsecotid summer.
I don't want to obtrude my private afi
fairs on the public, but I'm like an
awful example in a temperance lecture,
you uuderstand, and it". X can save any.
other men. from uiy fate, why I am go
ing to do it. My advice to all men is,
be an honorable organ grinder, or.uu ex
Pxcsideut, or a gorilla, or go into the cold
victual business, or peddle matches, but
don t agricult. .
I bought a small farm in New
and becameca i husbandman. I
the estate .with, all the apparatus,
I .didu t know any more about
than. a.goose does about four, dollars a
wneck,. 1 engaged a man named S toddles
ts-niy constitutional adviser. Stoddlcs
professed to be up to all the herbolic dod
ges, but I must confess tlidt after eigh
teen months 1 consider Stoddles a fraud.
As an absolute failure he is a perfect suc
cess. In the first place there was not a drop
of water ou the premises, and. Stoddlcs
said he would ad vise me as a friend, to
dig a well.. So I .got a lot of . tools and
begun., We hadn't dug. more than six
feet .before we struck solid rock. I want
ed to slant her oft" to one side, but Stod-,
dies obforved that that was the rock on.
which the State of old New Jersey was
fuuuded, and wo would . have to blast
So we blasted her acd got one of the
finest earthquakes you ever saw in your
boru days. It shook down two chimneys
and a lightning rod, and Stoddles was
struck ou tho head with a falling of. a
We dug in that, well for a week, and
we struck everything but water. I could
have, got coal, oil, gold,, marble and
marl or anything eke out of that excava
tion, but 1 was looking after cold water
ju,st then, and I would not touch any
thing else. Stoddlcs took me aside
at the eud of ihc week, and confidently ad
vised me tostiekatit : 'for,' said he, ' you
know if vou can't net water at first, if
you keep on you're bound to strike water
ou the outside, and then you have a sure
thing of it; you have got it all .in your
own hands, you understand.
Stoddlcs put me in mind of a man who
grew carrots so lung .that the. Chinese j
pulled them through by the roots froni.l
the opposite side of the globe before he
got a chance at them.
My oxen were singular oxen. They
both seemed to have St. Vitus' dance in
their tails, they could never keep them
It annoyed me, for I was afraid every
minute they would work, loose, and no
decent farmer, you know, wants to be
wandering urouud with bob tailed oxen.
So I tied a stone to the end of each tail to
keep tbcm down, and this worked well,
enough until one morning when the Hies
were bad, and tho near ox got his -brush
up, stone and all, and like to have brain
ed my oldest boy. I've got tho tail tied
tu his off hind leg now, and if lie wants
tu switch .it, he's got to lift himself off
tho ground. And it's the same way
with the hens. I bought a lot of hens
ou purpose to lay eggs, but. they're riot on
that lay. Every one I've . got seems to
feel that she is out of her normal sphere
if. she is. not setting. That old Hpreekled
ken of., mine has been thrown up in the
air, soused in cold water, put under a
barrel, and had all. tho inducements held
out to her to knock too, but she has a
good deal of firmness of character, and
she. is now trying to hatch a door knob
aud a grindstone handle, .and 1 think.
she'll succeed. .
I planted some onions some time ago,
and I waited all summer to sec them
bear.. But. they didn't. After they had
gone to seed, JMr. Stoddlcs said that on
ions grew under ground and 1 ought to.
hive them dug out.
Next year. I planted some, tomatoes,
and as soon as they cumo 'I began dig
ging for them. Mr. Stoddlcs said that I
' had ruined all the . plants, lb. tomatoes
grow on the top. Why don't they have
all things alike, anyhow ? . What's tho.
use of one growing iu the grauud and
the other out. of it? Why there ain't
any.v. I planted potatoes - last .year, but
they didn't seem .toQjrow- " Never, you
mind.'. said Mr. Stoddlcs, "them is all
right." But I was naturally impatient,
aud bo .after waiting seven mouths, I went
imt.an.ddug for one, aud there it was, in
the very spot where I put it, looking so
familiar aud natural that I sat down and
cried lika baby.
Then I. dug them all up; they had
kept first irate. There don't seem to be
much profit in it. Mr. Stoddlcs re
marked that they were not a prolific va
riety, and I don't thiuk they were my
Don't ever keep bees. I have some,
but Stoddlcs accidentally sat on one, ono
day, and he made such howl about it
that tho whole hive swarmed on mo and
scared me out of my senses. I like a
sociable bee, but thore is such a thing as
How are you on parsnips? I advise
you not to cultivate them. A man gave
me some seeds, which he said were
a-. good variety. I planted one to try it.
It was a double rooted kind straddled
out like a fork. in the road. When it got
ripe I thought I would take it up, but it
wouldn't come. I tackled that parsnip
with a monkey wrench, a crowbar and a
cross cut saw, but it never moved au
inoh. Stoddlcs said it wan ou account of
them roots, and I had better have them
extracted with gas. lie said he thought
" very likely them two roots ran around
the globe, like the equator, aud cliuched
ou the other side-"
So we got out a yoke of oxen, and
hitched tlicni on, and the old vegetable
came along with half a ton of rock iu
his grip, and then it was so tough that
you couldn't make an impression on it
with a cold chisel.
I suppose :you are not bothered any
with crows. Well, I am. The crow is
a vivacious and sagacious bird. Our
crows combined the acute intelligence of
human and condor. I sowed a patch of corn
last spring, and went to tea at night feel
ing sweetly and calmly happy.
Tho crows held caucus that evening,
and fell in for grub on my corn. There
wasn't a grain left in tho morning.
I sowud some more and . harrowed it
in ; you know what a harrow is an ex
aggerated curry-comb. Well, strange to
relate, the crows missed just seven grains
M- "that corn, aud precisely that number
of stalks came up, and probably I should
have got iu a crop of two or three ears to
the acre, if tho cows hadn't broko the
fence, and ate it before it came to any
thing. Mr. Stoddlcs says corn is a poor
,crop. I should think it was.
As I couldn't get water from the well,
I concluded to take it from the river.
So 1 laid down a mile and a half of. pipe
and set a hydraulic ram to force thi wa
ter along. It worked first rate, but the
trouble mt I can't stop the ram. After 1
got enough of water . in the tank, the
rani kept on pumping,. and tho water over
flowed and drenched the house, and flood
ed the kitchen, aud finally arranged it
self into a first class cascade out of
the garret window. It is going yet, and
I sleep in the barn. If you hear of any
body advertising lor a. magnificent water
fall, let ma know, will you?
And thon as to horses. I know; that
man whose horse wont so fast that when
ho stopped him suddenly it turned the
hair the -wrong way, but that is not the
forte of my horse. My horse's weakness
is backing. As a backer I never saw his
equal, rle would back from here to
Kansas if you'd let liiin. lie seems to
think that is the way nature intended
hiin tevgo. 1 always hitch him up with
his head over the dash board of the wa-
iron, and he trots along first rate. That
is, he used to. For last Wednesday
tied him, to a tree, and he got one of his
tits on him, and backed clear out his
hide, which he left hitched to the tree
while ho. pranced his old carcass over the
asparagus bed, aud died.. But as ho had
the glanders, and worried with the hots
and bothered with the blind sUggers, aud
besides having the heaves, aud beinjj
sprung iivthe kuoes, it was just as well
Mr. Stoddlcs says that is the best day's
lob he ever did. It you kuow a man
who has a taste for farming some regu
lar feeble-minded, gibbering imbecile or
au idiot who wants to buy a place, re
commend him to me, will you ? I waut
to sell out.chcap. I'd rather have a com
fortable situation iu State Prison than to
be gardening here in this kind of style.
BQ, Poverty does not always shorten
lite, it we may believe the records of the
English wwrkhouses. Iu one of these
institutions there is one Joseph Smith,
aged 101 years, who took a cab-ride ou
his latest birthday. Iu Bethnal Greeu
Work-house there were recently 781 old
men and women, of whom -128. were up.
wards ot 70 years ot age. Ot these
were between 90 and 100 years of., age,:
75 between 80 and 90s 292 between. 70
i nut wu. 'uuu vi nuo Jji u iix i us j v. a -. uii-
Let Him Squeal. -
A Vermont landlord, famous for being
deaf just when he wanted to be,
when rallied upon his infirmity one day,
told his guests the following story :
When a young man ho worked on a
farm for a stingy old farmer, in an
adjoining town. On leaving, a balance of
two dollars was due for wages. Having
called repeatedly for his money, the old
man had some excuse for not paying.
A sow of the old mau's had a litter- of
pigs, consisting of four, odo of them,
which is generally tlie ease, being
, i . , I,., y-i
a small runt as tney can tnem. ueorge
told the old man he weuld take a pig for
his money ; the old mau said he might
have the small one. George jumped in
the pen aud seized tho largest pi;.
old man shouted:
" Take the small one 1"
"Let him squeal," said. George,
can hold him."
Old man, excited :
" Take the small one!"
"Oh, I'll risk his biting,"
Old man desperate, and as loud
could bellow :
" Take the small one 1"
" Let him squeal, I
him" answered George.
" Take him along, you deaf - cuss ; I
can't make you hear anything J'.'
George carried on his pig iu triumph.
Hard on the Dundy.
Dinner was spread in the cabin-of that
peerless steamer the " New World" and
a splendid company were assembled about
tho table. Among the passengers thus
preparing tor a gastronomic aiuy was a
little creature of genius top decked
daintily as an early butterfly, with kids
of au irreproachable whiteucss, " miracu
lous neck tie, and spiderlike quizzing
glass on his nose, The delicate animal
turned his head affectedly aside with
" Bwring mo a propwellah of a female
" Yis, sah."
" And waitah, tell the steward to wub
my plate with a wegctablo culled an onion,
which will give a delicious flawaw to my
While the refined exquisite was giving
his order, a jolly western drover had list
ened with open mouth and protruding
eyes. When the diminutive paused, he
brought his fists upon the table , with a
force that made every dish bounce, aud
then thundered out :
" Look here, you gaul darned ace of
" Bring me a thundering big plate of
skunk's gizzards !
" Sah !"
And, you old ink pot, tuck a horse
blanket under my chiu, and rub me down
while 1 feed!"
Tho poor dandy shoved a pair of coat
tails instanter and the whole table
joined iu a tremendous roar. '
Friend "Jerry" is a good-natured,civil
fellow, who 'attends to his business- and
provides well for his family, bun has one
little failiug, in this, that when he goes to
his home in the suburbs at night, he is
usually more or less under tho influence
of contraband fluids. Oue night, a little
after dark, he started for homo with a
nice turkey,, safely done up iu strong
wrapping paper, under his arm. " Jerry"
found the road from the station to his
pretty cottage, some half mil distant
uncommonly rough that night.- Ho sev
eral times stumbled and fell over all sorts
of obstructions in the path. Each time
he fell he dropped his turkey, but con
trived to pick it up again. On -entering
his house, he steadied himself as well as
he w-us able, and said to his wife, " Here,
wifey, I've got " leveir- turkies, for you."
" Eleven turkies, Jerry I What do you
mean ? There's only one !" " There must
bo leveu turkies. wuev, lor 1 fell down
'leven times, and every time 1 fell down
I found a turkey. There must be 'leveu
BfiL, There is no better test of the hab
its of punctuality which people have
formed than to get early to dhurch
on a Sunday morning, and notice how
the congregation keep dropping, iu al'Ur
service has commenced.
B Young men usually swell.! while
sowing tlieir wild oats. But they ;always
shrink fast enough when tho dwrilsteps
into the field iuthe autumn toi . harvest
i the cropv.
A Good Chance.
A MAN in New Orleans took out an
XJL accident insurance policy, before
starting on a journey and happened to bo
killed by a railroad accident. The wid
ow armed with the newspaper report in
which his name was mentioned among
the killed, presented herself at the ' office
of the conipauy, but was informed1-'- that
more definite proof would be necessary.
" Why, of course he's dead," said the
bereaved lady. " That is possible," said
the polite official, and, my dear madam.
I am very sorry for it." " Ye'r sorry.
are you ! sorry ?" " Of course I am ; 1
sincerely sympathize with 1 you in your
bereavement." " Yes," exclaimed tho
excited and bereaved lady, " that's always
the way with you men; you 'are mighty
polite about everything else, but whenever
a poor woman gets a chance to make a
little money, you're only sorry." And
the indignant lady left the room in learch
of the additional proof.
An -amusing incident occurred in a cer
tain city a few days since, and one that
is too good to be lost. One of our cele
brated composers has written a very pret
ty song entitled " Kiss me," A very
pretty blushing maid, having heard of
the song, aud thinking she would get it
with sonic others, stepped into a music
store to make a purchase. One of the
clerks, a modest young man, stepped up
to wait on her. The young lady threw
her veil back'saying :
" I want Hock Me to Sleep."
The-'clerk got the song and put it be
" Now," said the young lady, " I want
" Yes ma'am," said the clerk bowing,
and iu a few minutes ho produced the
" Now, Kiss Me," said the young lady,
of course meaning the song above men
tioned. The poor clerk's eyes pepped fire al
most as he looked at the young lady in
astonishment, for ho was not aware of tho-
fact that a song by that name had been
" Wh what did you say, Miss?"
" Kiss Me," said she.
" I can't do it: I never kissed a young
lady iu my life," said the clerk.
About that tunc a veil dropped, a
young lady left in a hurry, clerk felt sick
and dealer lost the sale of some music.
A Short Story with a Moral.-
" Mother ! mother !" cried a young
rook, returning hurriedly from its first
flight ;' I'm so frightcneu ! I've seen
such, a sight !"
"What sight, my son?" asked the
" O, white creatures ? screaming, run
ning, and straining their necks, and hold
ing their heads ever so high. See, moth
er ! there they go ?"
" (jeese, my son, merely geese." calmly
replied the parent bird, looking over the
common. " Through life, child, observe,
that when you moot- any one who makes
a great fuss about himself, and tries to
lift his head higher than the rc.t of the
world, you may set him down at-ouee for
Urriiizr.Na tub Old Man. An Eng
lishman meeting a party of American
settlers the other day iu Texas, inquired
from the oonductor what the men in tha
first wagon were intended for ?
" To chair the forests."
" Well," said he, " and what are these
in the second for ?"
" To build the huts," was the reply.
" And that old white-headed mau in
the third wagon what is he for?" was
the next question asked ; to which the
reply was given,
"()'! that's my father; we shall open
our new cemetery with him !"
He did not inquire further.
fSu. Peter (J. Brooks, the opulent mer
chant of Boston, Mass., who died
twenty years ago, had three- cardinal
principles in business : . Never to borrow
money ; to take no more than the legal
rate of interest ; to abstain from all speo-
KSS A dying Irishman was asked by his
confessor if he was ready, to renounce tho
devil and all his works " 0," your
honor," said l'at, " don't ask nio that ; I
am going to a strange country, and 1
don't intend to make myself . enemies."
Insanity is rapidly increasing, in
France, owing, physicians say, to tbe'gen
eraLuse of absinthe by the people.
A Baby's Soliloquy. -
HERE I AM, and, if this is what they
c (ill the world, -I don't-think muoh
of it. It's a very llannelly world, aud
smells of paregoric awfully. It's a dread
ful light worid, too, and makes nie blink, I
tell you. Aud I don't-know what to do
with my hands ; I think I'll dig. my fists iu
my eyes. No, I won't. I'll scrabble at tho
corner of my blanket and chew-it up, and
then I'll holler ; whatever happens I'll hol
ler. And the more paregoric they give me,
tho louder I'll yell. That old nurse puts
the spoon in the corner of my mouth in a
very uneasy way, and keeps tasting my
milk herself all the while-.- She spilied snuff
in it last night, and when I hollered she
trotted me. That comes of being a two
days' old .baby. Never mind, when I'm a
mau, I'll pay her back good. There's a pin
sticking in me now, and if I say a word
about it, I'll be trotted oi fed, and I
would rather have catnip .tea.
I'll tell yt'ii who I am. 1 found out to
day. I heard some folks say, "Hush, don't
wake up Einmolino's baby." That's me.
I'm "Enmii'lino's baby," and I suppose
that pretty, white-faced womu.ii over on tho
pillows is Emmeline.
But no ! that can't bo so either, for there
was a fellow in hero a little while since,
that said he cam., in to see Hob's baby,
and looked at me, and said I "was a funny
little toad, and looked just like Hob." Ha
smelt of cigars, and I'm not uso.il to them.
I wonder who ele 1 belong to. Yes, there's
another one that's "Uamna." Emmelino
told mo, and then she look me up and held
me against her soft cheek and said, " It
was (Jumna's baby, ho it was."
There conies Snully with catnip tea. Tho
idea of giving. babies catlap tea when they
are crying for information 1 I'm going to
sleep. I wonder if I don't look pretty red
in the face? I wonder why my hands won't
go where I want them to 1
A Woman Marries two Wives.
A strange disclosure has been mado at
Ethcrly, uear Bishop Auckland, by the
death of a woman who has for tho past fif
ty years resided in that neighborhood and
married two wives. It is said- that sho
came from Scotland fifty years ago in the
guise of a young nujn and obtained employ
ment at one of the collieries, at which she
worked as one of tho men for somo time,
and paid her addresses to and ultimately
married, a servant girl living at tho village
inn. After her marriage sho relinquished
working at the pit and commenced to uiako
besoms, yellow clay balls and pipe clay rub
bers, which her and her partner vended in
tho surrounding villages. They had lived
together twenty-three years, when tho wife
died, and the reputed husband professed to
lament her loss very much, but at length
tho grief wore oil', anil sheliiarried a second
wife, with whom she lived a number of
years, but not on tho most alfectionate
terms, and eventually . by mutual consent
they separated. For some time the woman
had lain on a bed of sickness, and been de
pendant upon somo kind neighbors, whom,
however, she always prevented coming too
near her. The other day she died, and
then tlte discovery of her sex was made.
The deceased woman gave her namo asJo
sia Charles Stephenson, and she has been
heard to speak of being heir to some prop
erty about Berwick-on-Tweed, but had no
money to go and claim it.- Many strange
stories are told in connexion with this, sin
gular individual history.
Colonoi Powell, in a letter describing his.
explorations of tho Colorado River, says,
that at a point whore the Yampa River en.
ters tho Green, the river runs along a rock
about seven hundred feet high aud a milo
long, the a 'torus sharply , around to tho
right, and runs back parallel to its former
courso for another mile, with tho opposite
side of this long, narrow rock for it's bank.
On the east side of the river, opposite tho
rock and below the Yampa, is a little park
just large enough for a farm. The river
has worn out hollow domes in this sand
stone rock, and, standing opposite, words
tiro repeated with a strange clearness, but
in a' softened mellow tono. Conversation
in a very loud key is transformed into
a magical music. One can hardly believe
that it is the echo of his own voico. In -somo
placos two or three echoes come back, .
iu others tho ec hoeB themselves are repeat--ed,
passing forth and back across tho river ; :
for there is another rock making tho east
ern wall of tlte little park. Some thought,
they could count ton or twelveoehoeii.