spy '- 1H1P MtfWWMMIWBiWWBMWMBBHMMBWI 0 --4 ' - Vit v.;.--2 V 44- u ( TWAIN'S HARD LUCK, He Undertakes to Play Cour ier for His Expedition but Gets Mixed. AWFULLY ABSENT-MINDED Wanders Up and Down the Streets of Geneva Like a Wild Man. FALLS IXTO THE HINDS OP POLICE. Buys Lottery Tickets Mistaking Them for' Kailroad Passes. PIXALIT EESIGXS HIS HIGH OFFICE rcOBCESrOXDEXCE OP TltE SISI-ATCH. Bayeecth, December 12. TIME came when we must go from Aix-les-Baines to Genera, and from thence.by a series of day-long and tan gled journeys, to Bay leuth in Bavaria. I should have to hare a courier, of course, to take care of so consid erable a party as mine. But I procrastinated. The time slipped along-, and at last I woke up one day to the fact that wc ere ready to move and had no courier. I then resolved upon what I felt was a foolhardy thing, hut I a in the humor of it. I said I would make the first stage without help, and I did i 1 brought the party from Ail to Geneva by myself four people. The distance was two hours and more, and there was one change of cars. There was not an accident of any kind, except leaving a valise and tome other niattert. on the platform, a thing - which can hardly be called an accident, it is so common. So I offered to conduct the party all the way to Bayreuth. The Trouble Began at Geneva. This was a blunder, though it did not seem so at the time. There was more de tail than I thought there would be: (1) Two persons whom wc had left in a Gene van pension some weeks before must be collected and brought to the hotel; (2) I must notify the people on the Grand Quav who store trunks to bring seven of our stored trunks to -the hotel and carrr back peven which thev would find piled in the lobby; (3) I must find out what part of .tnrope uayreutn was in, and bny seven railway tickets for that point; (4) I must lands; (5) It was now 2 in the afternoon; and we must look sharp and be readv for the first night tram and make sure of sleeping car tickets; (6) I must draw money at the bank. , It seemed to me that the sleeping-car tickets must be the mest important thing, so I went to the station myself to make sure; hotel messengers are not alwavs brisk people. It was a hot day, and I ought to have driven, hut it seemed better economv to walk. It did not turn out so, because I lost my way and trebled the distance. Ho itegan to Lose His Head. I applied for the tickets, and thev asked me which route I wanted to go by, and that embarrassed me and made me lose mv head, there were to many people standing'around and I not knowing anything about the routes and not supposing there were going to be two; so I judged it best to go back and map out the road and come again. I took a cab this time, but on mv wav np stairs at the hotel I remembered that I was out of cigars, so I thought it would be well to get some while the matter was in ray mind. It was only around the corner and I didn't need the cab. I asked the cabman to wait where he was. Thinking of the tele pram and trying to word it in mv head, I forgot the cigars and the cab, and walked on indefinitely. I was going to have the hotel people send the telegram, hut as I could not be far from the postofiice bv this time, I thought I would do it myself. But it was further than I had supposed. I lonnd the place at last and -wrote the telegram and handed it in. The clerk was a severe looking, fidgety man, and he began to fire French questions at me in such a liquid form that I could not detect the joints be twecn his words, and this made me lose my head again. The Clerk Insisted on an Artdresv. But an Englishman stepped up and said the clerk wanted to know where he was to send the telegram. I could not tell him, Can't Ilaxe You Keeping Here All Day. becau.cit was not my telegram, and I ex plained that I was merely sending it for a member of mv party. But nothing would pacify the clerk but the address: so 1 said that if he was so particular I would go back and get it However, I thought I would go and col lect those lacking two persons first, for it would be best to do everything systemati cally and in order, and one detail at a time. Then I lemernbered the cab wa eating up mj substance down at the hotel yonder; so I c.lled another cab, and told the man to go down and fetch it to the postofiice and wait til' 1 came. Ihjda long, hot walk to collect those people, and w hen I got there they rouldn't ciite with me because they had heavy sstf heis and must have a cab. " I cnt aw ay to fiud one, bui before Iran across any I noticed that I had reached the neighbor hood of the Grand Quay at least I thought I Lad -o I judged I could save time by stepping around and arranging about the trunks. I stenned around about a mile. ana although I did l.ot hud the Grand Qua?-, I - s'Vjrirvu AK'Ullll .At'Utlb ..lUI., , ?o?4 nffijl jfeSjf Kr Y ulsr &"CP a!:u rememDerea auout You are trvmg to avoid my eye. That dis tce cigar-. I taid I was going to Bay- patch is the most important thing that rcuth, and wanted enough for the iournev. Vm. ti,rn'l unt that. H'cnntoM" The man asked me which route I was going tO laXC I Said 1 Hir" nnt - tnn lt cowl he would recommend me to go by Z.irich and various othec places which he named, and oheredj to sell me seven second-class inrouga -iceis Joi iZi apiece, which would be throwing oil the discount which the rail roads allowed him. 1 was aireadv tired of riding serond class on first-clasi tickets, to 1 took him uo. Lose His Letter or Crrtl'l. Byrndby I found Natural & Co. 's stor age oiScc, and told them to send secn of our trunks to the hoel and pile them up in the lobby. It seeded to me that I was not delivering the whole of the message, still it was ill I could find ih my head. Sext I found the bank and asked :or acme monev, but I had left my letter of credit come where and was not able to draw. I remem bered now that I must have left it lying on the table where I wrote my telegram; so I got a cab and drove to- the postoffiec and went upstairs, and they said that a letter of credit had indeed been left on the tabic, but that it was now in the hands of the police authorities, and it would be neces sary for me to go there and prove property. They sent a boy with me, and we wentout the back way and walked a couple of miles and found the place; and then I remem bered about my cabs, and asked the boy to send them to me when he got back to the postofiice. It was nightfall now, and the Mayor had gone to dinner. I thought I would go to dinner myself, bnt the officer on dutv thought differently, and I stayed. The Mayor dropped in at 10:30, but said it was too late to do anything to-night come at 9:30 in the morning. The officer wanted to keep me all night, and said I was a sus picious looking person and probably did not own the letter of credit, and didn't know what a letter of credit was, but merely saw the real owner leavt. it lying on the table, and wanted to get it because I was probably a person that would want anything I could get, whether it was valuable or not. But the Mayor said he saw nothing suspicious about me, and that I seemed a harmless per son and nothing the matter with me but a wandering mind. So I thankedhim and he set me free, and I went home in my three cabs. Jollying Up the Expedition. As I was dog-tired, and in no condition to answer questions with discretion, I thought I would not disturb the expedition at that time of night, as there was a vacant room I knew of at the other end of the hall; but I did not quite arrive there, as a watch had been set, the expedition being anxious about me. I was placed in a galling situa tion. The expedition sat stiff and forbidding on four chairs in a rov, with shawls and things all on, satchels and guide-books in lap. Thev had been sitting like that for four hours, and the glas3 going down all the time. Yes, and they were waiting waiting I THOUGHT I -WOULD GO TO DIN2TER MYSELF, , rEEENTLY. for me. It seemed to me that nothing but a sudden, happily-contrived and brilliant tour de force could break this iron front and make a diversion in my favor; so I shied my hat into the arena, and followed it with a skip and a jump, shouting blithely: "Ha, ha, here we all are, MrMerryman!" Nothing could be deeper or stiller than the ahsense of applause which followed. But I kept on; there seemed no other way, though my confidence, poor enough before, had got a deadly check and was in effect gone. I tried to be jocund out of a heavy heart I tried to touch the other hearts there and solten the bitter resentment in those faces by throwing off bright and airy fun and making the whole ghastly thing a joyously humorous incident, but this idea was not well conceived. It was not the right atmosphere for it. I got not one smile; not one line in those offended faces relaxed. I thawed nothing of the winter that looked out of those frosty eyes. A Scries of Explanations. I started one more breezy, poor effort, but the head of the expedition cut into the center of it and said: "Where have you been?" I saw bv the manner of this that the idea was to get down to cold business now. So I began my travels, but was cut short again. "Where are the two others? We have been in lrightfnl anxiety about them." "Oh, they're all right I was to fetch a cab. I will go straight off, and " "Sit down! Don't you know it is 11 o'clock? Where did you leave them?" "At the pension." "Why didn't you bring them?" "Because we couldn't carry the satchels. And so I thouzht " "Thought' You should not try to think. One cannot think without the proper ma chinery. It is two miles to that pension. Did you go there without a cab?" "I well 1 didn't intend to, it only hap pened so." "How did it happen so?" "Because I was'at the postofiice and I re membered that I had left a cab waiting here, and so to stop that expense I sent another cab to to " "To what'.'" "Well, 1 don't remembernow. but I think vthe new cab was to have the hotel pay the old cab and send it away." "What good would that do?" "What good would it do? It would stop the expense, wouldn't it?" "By putting the new cab in its place to continue the expense'.'" I didn't say an, thing. The story or the Telejrrani. "Why didn't you have the new cab come back for yon?" "Oh, that's what I did. Iremembernow. Yes, that is what I did. Because 1 recol lect that when I " 'Well, then, why didn't it come back for vou?" "To the postofiice? Why, it did." "Very well, then, how did vou come to walk to the pension?" , "I I don t quite remember how that han- pened. Oh, yes, I do remember, now. I wrote the dispatch to send to the Nether lands, and " "Oh, thank goodness, you did accomplish SOLUeiUIIIK J-MOU1U something! I wouldn't have had vou fail to send what makes you look like that? r haven't fcaid I didn't send'it" i.ou diun't need to. On, dear. I dear. wouldn t have had that telegram fail for anything, vv hy didn t you send it?" "Well, you sec, with so many things to do and think of. I they're very particu lar there, and after I had written the tele gram " "Oh, never mind, let it go, explanations can't help the matter now what will he think of us?" 'Oh, that's all right, that's all right, he'll think we gave the telegram to the hotel peo ple, Mid that they " "Why, certainly! Why didn't you do that? There was no other rational way." Confusion Woro Confounded. "Yes, I know; but then I had it on mv mind that I must be sure and get to the bank and draw some money " "Well, you are entitled to some credit after all, forthinkim; of that', and I-don't wish to be too hard on you, though you must acknowledge yourself that you have cost us all a good deal of trouble, and some of it not necessary. How much did you draw?" "Well, I I had an idea that that " "That what?" . "That well, it seems to me that in the circumstances so many of us, you know, and and " "What are you mooning about? -Do turn your face this way and let me .Why, yu haven't drawn any moneyl" , "Well, the banker said" "Never mind what the banker said. You must have had a reason of yonr own, Sot a reason, exactlv, but something which " "Well, then, the simple fact was, that I hadn't mv letter of tyedit." "Hadn't your letter of credit?" "Hadn't mv letter of credit." "Don't repeat me like that Where was it?" "At the postofiice." "What was it doing there?" . "Well, I forgot it and left it there." "Upon my word, I've seen a good many couriers, but of all the couriers that ever I-" "I've done the.best I could." "Wellso you have, poor thing, and I'm wrong to abuse you so when you've been working yourself to death while we've been sitting here only thinking of our vexations instead of feeling grateful for what you were trying to do for us. It will all come outright. "We can take the 7:30 train in -the morning just as well. You've bought the tickets?" l'roud of the Ticket Seal. "I have and it's a bargain, too. Second class." " 'I'm glad of it. Everybody else travels second class, and we might just as well save that ruinous extra charge. What did you pay?" "Twentv-two dollars,apiece through to Bayreuth."" o23; BUT THE OFFICER THOUGHT DIP. " 'Why, I didn't know you could buy through tickets anywhere but in London and Paris;" 'Some people can't, maybe; but some people can of whom lam one of which, .it appears."- "It seems a rather high price." "On the contrary. The dealer knocked off his commission." "Dealer?" "Yes I bought them at a cigar shop." "That reminds me. We shall have to get up pretty early, and so there should be no packing to do. Your umbrella, your rubbers, your cigars what is the matter?" "Hang" it, I've left the cigars at the bank." "Just think of it! Well, your umbrella?" "I'll have that all right There's no hurrv." "What do you mean by that?" "Oh, that's all right; l"'ll take care of" "Where is that umbrella?" "It's just the merest step it won't take me " "Where is it?" "Well, I think I left it at the cigar shop; but anyway " "Take your feet out from under that thing. It's jut as I" expected! Where are your rubbers?" "They well " "Where are your rubbers?" "It's got so drv now well, evervbodv says there's not going to be another drop of" "Where are your rubbers?" , Confessing to Being Near Jail. "Well, you see well, it was this way. First, the officer said " "What officer?" "Police officer; but the Mavor. he " "What Mayor?" "Mavor of Geneva; but I said " "Wa'it What is the matter with vou?" "Who, me? Xothing. They both tried to persuade me to stav, and " "Star where?" "We'll the fact is" j , WeS"c-5r-52J l t i r 57f' "M "Where have you been? What's kept you out till half-past 10 at night?" "O, you see, after I lost my letter of tredit, t " "You are beating around the bush a good deal. Now answer the question in just one straightforward word. Where are those rubbers?" "They well; they're inthe county jail." I started a placating smile, h,ut it petri fied. The climate was unsuitable. Spend ing three or four hours in jail did not seem to the expedition humorous. Neither did it to me, at bottom. I had to explain the whole thing, and of courso. it came out then that we couldn't take the early train, because that would leave my letter of credit in hock still.' It did look as if we had all got to go to bed estranged and unhappy, but by good luck that was prevented. There happened to be mention of the trunks, and I was able to say 1 had attended to that feature. "There, you are just as good and thonght ful and painstaking and intelligent as you can be, and it's a shame to find so much fault with you, and there shan't be another word of it, You've done beautifully, ad mirably, and I'm sorry I ever said one un grateful word to you." Didnt Need Gratltnde Just Then. This hit deeper than some of the other things and made me uncomfortable, because I wasn't feeling as solid about that trunk errand as I wanted to. There seemed some how to be a defect about, it somewhere, though I couldn't put my finger on it and didn't like to stir the matter just now, it being late and maybe well enough to let well enough alonel Of course, there was music in the morning when it was found that we couldn't leave by the early train. But I had no time to wait; I got only the opening bars of the overture, and then started out to get my letter of credit It seemed a good time to look into the trunk business and rectify it if it needed it, and I had a suspicion that it did. I was too late. The concierge said he had. shipped the trunks to Zurich the evening before. I asked him how he could do that without ex hibiting passage tickets. "Not necessary in Switzerland. You pay for your trunks and send them where you I please. Nothing-goes free "bat your hand baggage - "How much did you pay on them? "A hundred and forty francs." "Twenty-eight doUars. There's some thing wrong about that trunk business, sure." Next I met the porter. He said: "You have not slept well, is it not? You have the worn look. If you'wouldlikea courier, a good one has arrived last night, and is not engaged for five days already, by the name of Ludi.- We recommend him; dass heiss, the Grande Hotel Beau ravage recommends him." Where the tetter of Credit VTas. I declined with coldness. My spirit'was 'not brokeri yet And I did not like having my condition taken notice of in this way. I was at the connty jail by 9 o'clock, hoping that the Mayor might chance to come before his regular hour; but he didn't. It was dull there. Every time I offered to touch any thing, or look at anything, or do anything, or refrain from doing anything, the police man said' it was "defendee." I thought I would practice my French on him, but he wouldn't have that, either. It seemed to make him particularly bitter to hear his own tongue. The Mayor came at last, 'and then there was no trouble; for the minute he had con vened the Supreme Court which they al ways do whenever there is valuable prop erty in dispute and got everything ship shape and sentries posted, and had prayer by the chaplain, my unsealed letter was brought and opened, and there wasn't any thing in it except some photographs; because as I remember now, I had taken out the letter -of credit so as to make room for the photographs, and had put the letter in my other pocket, winch I proved to everybody's satisfaction by fetching it out and showing it with a good deal of exultation. So then the Court looked at each other in a vacant kind of way, and then at me, and then at each other again, and finally let me go, but said it was imprudent for me to be at large, and asked me what my profession was. X said I was a courier. 1'hey lifted up their eyes in a kind of reverent n"Jy and said "Du lieber Gottl" and I said a word of courteous thanks for their apparent admiration and hurried off to the bank. A Journey With a Sleepy Cabby! However, being a courier was already making me a great stickler for order and svstem and one thing at a time and each thing in its own proper turn; so I passed by the bank and branched off mid started for the two lacking members of the expedi tion. A cab lazicd by, and I took it upon persuasion. I gained no speed by this,'but it was a reposeful turnout and I liked re- posetulness. JLhe weeK-long juoiiauons over the six hundredth anniversary of the birth of Swiss liberty and the Signing of the Compact was at flood tide, and all the streets w ere clothed in fluttering flags. The horse and the driver had been drunk three days and nights, and had known no stall nor bed meantime. They looked as I felt dreamy and seedy. Uut we arrived in the course of time. I went in and rang, and asked a housemaid to rush out the lack ing members. She said something which I did not understand, and I returned to the chariot The girl had probably told me that those people did not belong on her floor, and that it would be judicious for me to go higher and ring from floor to floor till I found them; for in those Swiss flats there does not seem to be any way to find the right family but to be patient and guess your way along up. I calculated that I must wait fifteen minutes, there being three details inseparable from an occasion of this sort: 1, put on hats and come down and climb in; 2, return of one to get "my other glove;" 3, presently, return of the other one to fetch "ray French Verbs at a Glance." I would mr.se during the fifteen minutes and take it easy. Interviewed by a Policeman. A very still and blank interval ensued", and then I felt a hand on my shoulder and started. The intruder was a policeman. I .glanced up and perceived that there was new scenery. J-nere was a good aeai or a crowd, and they had that pleased and inter ested look which such a crowd wears when they see that somebody is out of luck. The horse was asleep, and so was the driver, and some boys had hung them and me full of gaudy decorations stolen from the innumer able banner poles It was a scandalous spectacle. "" The officer"safd: "I'm sorry, but we can't have you sleep ing here all day." I was wounded and said with dignity : "I beg your pardon, I was not sleeping, I was thinking." "Well, you can think if you want to, but you've got to think to yourself; you disturb the whole neighborhood." It was a poor joke, but it made the crowd laugh. I snore at night, sometimes, but it is not likely that I would do such a thing in the daytime and in such a place. The officer undecorated us and seemed sorry for our friendlessness and reallv trie'd to be humane, but he said we mustn't stop there any longer or he would have to charge us rent it was the law, he said, and he went on to say in a sociable way that I was looking pretty mouldy, and he wished he knew" I shut him off pretty austerely, andsaid'I hoped one might celebrate a little these days, especially when one was personally concerned. "Personally?" he asked. "How?" "Because 600 years ago an ancestor of mine signed the compact." Had Evidently Aged in Appearance. He reflected a moment, then looked me overandsaid: "Ancestor! It's my opinion you signed it yourself. For of all the old ancient relics that ever I but never mind about that What is it you are waiting here for so long?" I said: "I'm not waiting here so long at all. I'm waiting 15 minutes till they forget a glove and a book "and go back and get them." Then I told him who they were that I had come for. He was very obliging, and began to shout inquiries to the tiers of heads and shoulders projecting from the windows above us. Tnen a. woman away np there sung out: "Oh, they? Why I got them a cab and they left here long ago 8:30 o'clock, I should sav." It was Annoying. I glanced at my watch, but didn't say anything. The officer said: "It is 11:43 o'clock, yon see. You should have inquired better. You have been asleep three-quarters of an hour, and in such a sun ns this. You are baked baked black. It is wonderful. And you will mibs your train, perhaps. You "interest me greatly. What is your occupation?" I said I was a courier. It seemed to stun him, and before he could come to we were gone. The Conrier Deserted by His Party. When I arrived in the third story of the hotel 1 found our quarters vacant I was not surprised. The moment a courier takes his eye off his tribe they go shopping. The nearer it is to train time, the surer they are to go. I sat down to try and think out what I had best do next, but presently the hall boy found me there and said the expedition had gone to the station half an hour before. It was the first time I had known them to do a rational thing, and it was very confus ing. This is one of the things that make a courier's life so difficult and uncertain. Just as matters are going the smoothest, his people will strike a lucid interval, and down go all his arrangements to wreck and ruin. The train was to leave at 12 noon slrarp. It was now 12:10. I could be at the station in ten minutes. I saw I had no great amount of leeway, for this was the lightning ex press, and on the continent the' lightning expresses are pretty fastidious about get ting away some time during the advertised day. My people were the only ones remain ing in. the waiting room, everybody else had passed through and "mounted the train," as they say in those regions. They were exhausted with nervousness and fret, but I comforted them and heartened them up, and we made our rush. ere Not Kailroad Tickets at All. Bnt no; we were out of luck again. The doorkeeper was not satisfied with the tickets. He examined them cautiously, deliberately, suspiciously; then glared at me a while, and after that he called an other official. The two examined the tickets, and called another official. These called others, and the convention discussed an'd discussed, and gesticulated and carried on, until I begged they would consider how time was flying, and just pass a few resolutions and let us go. Then they said very courteously that there was a defect in the tickets, and asked me where I got them.. I judged I saw what the trouble was, now. You see, I,had bought the tickets in a cigar shop, and of course the tobacco smell was on them; without doubt the thing they were up to was to work the tickets through the custom house and col lect duty on that smqll. So I resolved to be perfectly frank; it is sometimes the best way. I said: "Gentlemen, I will not deceive you. These railway tickets " "Ah, pardon, m'sieur! These are not railway tickets." ' "Oh," I said, "is that the defect?" " "Ah, truly yes,monsicur. These are lot tery tickets, yes; and it is a lottery which has been drawn two years ago." He Cheerfully Hoys Without Money. I affected to be greatly amused; it is all one can do in such circumstances; it is all one" can do, and yet there is no value in it; it deceives nobody, and .you can see that everybody around pities you and is ashamed of yon. One of the hardest situations in life, I think, is to be full of grief and a sense of defeat nnd shnhhiness that wav. and yet have to.put on an outside of arch ness and gayefy, while all the time you know that your bwn expedition, thetreas ures of your heart, and whose love and reverence you are, by the custom of our civilization, entitled to, are being consumed with humiliation before strangers to see you earning and getting a compassion which is a stigma, n brand a brand which certifies vou to he oh,anything and everything which is fatal to human respect. 1 said cheerily, it was all right, just one of those little accidents that was likely to happen to anybody I would have the right tickets in two minutes, and we would catch the train yet, and moreover have some thing to laugh about all through the jour ney. I did get the tickets in time, all stamped and correct, but then it turned out that I couldn't take them, because in taking so much pains about the two missing mem bers, I had skipped the bank and hadn't the money. So then the train left, and there didn't seem to be anything to do but go back to the hotel, which we did; but it was kind of melancholy and not much said. I tried to start a few subjects, like scenery and transubstantiation, and those sorts of things, but they didn't seem to hit the weather right. The Tali Realization of Danger. We had lost our good rooms, but we got some others which were pretty scattering but would answer. I judged things would brighten now, but the Head of the Expedi tion said send up the trunks. It made me feel pretty cold. There was a doubtful something about the trunk business. I was almost sure of it I was going to suggest-But a wave of the hand sufficiently re strained me, and I was informed that we would now camp for three days and see if we conld rest up. I saidall right, never mind ringing, I would go down and attend to the trunks mysclfl I got a cab and went straight to Mr. Charles Natural's-place and asked what order it was I left there. "To send seven trunks to the hotel" "And were you to bring any back?" "No." "You are sure I didn't tell you to bring back seven that would be found piled in the lobby?" "Absolutely sure you didn't." "Then the whole 14 are gone to Zurich or Jericho or somewhere, and there is going to be more debris around that hotel when the Expedition " I didn't finish, because my mind was get ting to be in a good bit of a whirl, and when you are that way you think you have finished a sentence when you-haven't, and you go mooning and dreaming away, and the first thing you know you get run over by a dray or a cow or something. The Conrier Would Resign. I left the cab there I forgot it and on ' my way back I thought it all out and con cluded to resign, because otherwise I should he nearly, sure to be discharged. But I didn't believe it would be a good idea to re sign in person; I could do it by message. So I sent for Mr. Ludi and explained that there was a courier sjo'ing to resign on ac count of incompatibility or-fatiguc.or some thing, and as he had four or five vacant days, I would like to insert him into that vacancy if he thought he could fill it When everything was arranged I got him to go up and say to the Expedition that, owing to an error made hy Mr. Natural's people we were out of trunks here, but would have plenty in Zurich, and we'd better take the first train, freight, gravel or construction, and move right along. He attended to that and came down with an invitation forme to go up yes, certainly; and, while we walked along over to the bank to eet money, and collect my ofgars and tobacco, and to the cigar shop to trade back the lottery tickets and get my um brella, and to Mr. Natural's to pay that cab and send it away, and to the county jail to get mv rubbers and leave p. c. c cards for the Mayor and Supreme Court, he described the weather to me that was prevailing on the upper levels there with the Expedition, and I saw that I was doing very well where I was. The Defects of the Administration. I stayed out in the woods till 4 r. M., to let the weather moderate, and then turned up at the station just in time to take the 3 o'clock express lor Zurich along with the Expedition, now in the hands of Ludi, who conducted its complex affairs with little apparent effort or inconvenience. Well, I had worked like a slave while I was in office, and done the very best I knew how; yet all that these people-dwelt upon or seemed to care to remember was the de fects of my administration, not its credi table features, They would skip over a thousand creditable features to remark upon and reiterate and fuss about just one tart, till it seemed to me they would wear it out; and not much of a fact, either, taken by itself the fact that I elected myself courier in Geneva, and put in work enough to carry a circus to Jerusalem and y;t never even gotmy gang out of the town. I finally said I didn't wish to hear any more about the subject, it made mo tired. And I told thera to their faces that I would never be a conrier again to save anybody's life. "And if I live long enough I'll prove it. I think it's a difficult, brain racking, overworked and thoroughly ungratefui office, and the main .bulk of its wages is a sore heart and a bruised spirit. Makk Twain. The-Beit Tiling for aStnhborn Cough. From the Kimball (S. D.) Graphic.. While the columns of the Graphic are open to any and all unobjectionable adver tisements, yet it is quite impossible for us to speak knowingly of the merits of the various articles of merchandise auvertised. Particularly is this true of patent medi cines. But there are exceptions occasion ally, and a noteworthy exception is 'the celebrated Chamberlain's Cough Kemedy. This now universally known medicine has been advertised in the Graphic for four or five years, but not until recently had we any personal knowledge of its wonderful efficacy, which has come about through the prevaying influenza and the stubborn cough that has so often attended it. In the writer's family this medicine has on several occa sions this winter cured a cough that baffled any and all other remedies; and the num ber of families in Kimball and vicinity in which this remedy has been used with like effects attests to its value as a specific for coughs and colds of every nature. ttsu The William H. Holmes Company Are direct importers of port, sherry, claret, Madeira, Burgundy, sauterne and Ilhine wines, fine French brandies in bulk and bottled, Scotch and Irish whiskies, Jamaica, St. Croix and bay rums, eta, eta, as well as distillers of the celebrated "Holmes' Best" and Holmes' old Economy pure.rye whiskies. Office and warehouse 158 First avenue and 120 Water street wfsu SIGNALING TO MAES, Flammarion Sees a Bay of Hope in Edison's Big Telephone. TEIANGLES OP ELECTEI0 LIGHT From the Sister Planet More Easily Seen by Us Than Yice Versa. Jl peettt. speculatiye peobleh WMTTI!" TOR THE DISPATCH. Toward the end of July -a lover of astron omy wrote me that a very aged lady, Mine Guzman, who died on the 30th of June last in Pan, had been deeply inter ested, especially during her last years, in the description of the planet Mars which I have given in my works, and the theoret ical possibility set forth therein of communi cation between our planet and the neighbor worlds. Furthermore, expressing in her will a desire peculiarly astronomical, she made the following legacy: A prize of 100,000f is bequeathed to the Institute of France (science section) for the person, no matter of what nationality, who shall discover within ten years from the present time a means of communicating with a star (planet or 'otherwise) and of receiving a reply. Tho testatrix has espe cially in view the planet Mars, upon which the attention and investigation of savants has been directed already. If the Institute of France does not accept the legacy it will pass to the Institute of Milan, and in case of a new refnsal to the Institute of New York: The Academy of Science has accepted the legacy. Such a discovery, doubtless, does not lie in the near future, therefore the tes tatrix was wise in authorizing the Institute to apply the income of the fund to meeting tho expenditures for investigations that should result in increasing onr knowledge of the physical construction of the planets. I confess frankly that I am very proud of having contributed indirectly to this addi tion of 100,000f. to the capital of the Acad emy ot Science, designed to encourage as tronomical research, and I hope that some day the legacy will reach its destination. To Find the Inhabitants First But it is far from the cup to the lips, from the idea to the reality. To enter into com munication with the inhabitants of Mars it would be necessary to photophone them, "Hello! are you there?" and then it would be necessary that they should be there, and that they should understand. The ide.a in itself is not at all absurd, and it is perhaps less bold than that of the tele phone or the phonograph or the photophone or the cinetograph. It was first suggested with respect to the moon. A triangle traced in luminous lines on the lunar surface, each side from 12 to 15 kilometers long, would be visible from here by the aid of our tele scopes. We observe details even very much smaller for instance, the peculiar topo graphical formation noted in the lunar circle of Plato. It follows then that a tri angle, a square or a circle of the dimensions stated, constructed by us upon a vast plain by means of luminous points, reflected in the daytime by solar light and lighted at night by electricity, would be visible to' the astronomers of the moon, if such astrono mers there are, and if they have optical in struments as good a: onr own. Proof of a Geometrician. The logical consequence is most simple. If we should observe upon the moon a cot rectly constructed triangle we should be somewhat puzzled, we should distrust our eyes, we should ask whether the chances of lunar formations could have given birth to a regular figure. Without doubt we should in the end admit this exceptional possibil ity, bnt if all at once we should see the tri angle change into a square then some months later be replaced by a circle wo should admit logically that an intelligible effect proves" an intelligent cause, and we should think with some reason that such fig ures reveal without question the preseice of a geometrician upon the neighbor world. From this point to seeking the reason for tracing such figures on the lunar surface, from this to asking ourselves with what object our unknown brothers formed these designs, is but a step very quickly taken. Would it be with the idea of entering into relations with us? , The hypothesis is not unreasonable. People set it forth or discuss it or reject it as arbitrary, or defend it as ingenious. And why, after all, shouldn't the inhabitants of the moon be just as curious as we are, more intelligent perhaps, more elevated in their aspirations, less hampered than we in the mire of material needs. Why shouldn't they suppose that the eai'th may be inhabited as well as their own world, and why shouldn't "the object of these geomet rical appeals be to ask us whether we exist? Besides, it is not difficult to reply. They show us a triangle, we produce it here. They trace a circle, we imitate it. And lo ! communication is established between the heavens and the earth for the first time since the beginning of the world. Geometry the Same ETerywhere. Geometry being the same for the inhabit ants of all the worlds, two and two make four in every region of the infinite, and the sum of all the 'angles of a triangle being equal to two right angles everywhere, the signals thus exchange between the earth and the moon would not have even so much obscurity as the hieroglyphs deciphered by Champollion, and the commnnication once established would speedily become regular and fruitful. THe cold and deathly aspect of our pale sattellite did not encourage the realization of the project and(the imagination sped more easily lu wie pianei murs, wuiuu, iu ue sure, never approaches nearer to us than feur million leagues, but which is the best known of all the lands in the heavens, and which offers so many points of resemblance to our world that we would scarcely feel like exiles if we were to pack up our house hold goods and transport them thither. The appearance of Mars, in fact, comforts us a bit for that of the moon. One would believe, indeed, that he was in some terrestrial country; continents, seas, islands, beaches, peninsulas, capes, gulfs, clouds, rains, floods, snows, seasons, winter and summer, springtime and autumn, days and nights, mornings and evenings; nil these are here, occur there and succeed each'other almost exactly as they do here. The years there are longer, for they latt U87 days, but the intensity of the seasons is absolutely the same as with us, the inclination of the axis of Mars being the same as earth's. The days there are also a little longer, since the diurnal rotation of that world is accom plished in 24 hours 37 minutes 23 seconds, and note, that is a matter of exact knowl edge, the diurnal rotation being calculated nearly to one-tenth of a second. Reasons for Peopling the Planet. When on a beautiful starry night we ex amine this world through 'the telescope, when we see those polar snows that melt in the summer, these continents clearly de fined, these mediterranean seas with their great gulfs, this delightful and varied geo graphical configuration, we cannot retrain from asking whether the sun that lights this world as it does our own, shines upon nothing living there, whether these showers fertilize nothing, whether this atmosphere is breathed by no living beiug and whether this world of Mars, which whirls with such rapidity through space, is like a railway train traveling empty, without passengers, without merchandise? The idea that the earth on which we are could take its course as it does about the sun without being inhabited by any manner of creatures seems so inconsistent that it is Bifficult to entertain it By what perma nent miracle of sterilizing" the forces of nature, which act there as they do here, could they remain eternally inactive and unfruitful? But if we ever attempt to put into prac- lion an- -nrnlpnt whatever for eonimuilica' tion between this" world and our oVn the' signals must be established on amnch greater scale than if we were signalling to the moon. It will not be a matter of con structing triangles, squares and circles measured by a few kilometres, but the fig ures must be a hundred or more kilometres ih extent and always upon the hypothesis: First, that Mars is inhabited; second, that the inhabitants arc versed in astronomy! third, that they have optical instruments of sufficient power; .fourth, that they observe our planet with care, a planet which is to them a splendid star of the first magnitude, the morning or the evening star, and, in fact, the most brilliant star in their sky. Weare, indeed, for them "l'etoile du Ber ger," or our Venus, and their mythology' ought to erect altars to us. Perhaps They Are Signalling Now. But it may be said, Why do not the in- naoitants ot Mars themselves. begin to try to enter into relations with us? It is by no' means proved that they have not done so. Look at the maps published by M. Schiapa relli, of Milan (of whom the testatrix has been equally thoughtful). You will see there the geometrical triangulations which gave rise very naturally to tne idea tnat they should not be regarded as wholly for eign to some rational design. Further, men have sometimes observed luminous points wnicn appear placed very regularly. J.t is probably that these points represent moun tains covered with snow. However, if our neighbors wanted to address us they could not do better than to trace lines of this kind. The supppsition is a bold one, I confess; doubtless these cousins of the sky concern themselves about us no more than we ennrprn onrttplvpa nhnnt them- bnt. in a word, if they should do so, they could go4 about it in this way. It will always be more difficult for us to send signals to them than to receive signals from them because of our position in space and because of our phases. It is the noc turnal terrestrial hemisphere that is turned toward the planet Mars in the period when weapproach most nearly to it, and it shows ns in full its lighted hemisphere. The Delicacy of Oar Instruments. From here we can perceive upon Mars tracts of land of the size of Sicily. In fact, good instruments admit of recognizing either luminous spots on dark background, or dark spots on luminous backgrounds, that measure one-half second that is to say, one-fiftieth of the diameter of the planet at the period ofiits closest proximity to the earth, or about 137 kilometers. These same instruments enable us to distinguish lumi nous lines upon an obsenre background, or dark lines upon a bright background, measuring only a qnarter of a second, or about 68 kilometres In breadth. We mate out theBe configurations whoso extent does not surpass that of Ireland, of Sicily, of Itaiy, theAdriatlc, or of the Bed Sea. Mr. Asaph Hall, of tho observatory at Washington, who discovered the moons of Mars and measured them as well as possible, considering their extreme smallness, not ex ceeding three or four one-hnndredths of a second true, these are brilliant detached points upon tho dark bictgroiind of the sty himself alluded to tho proposal or which wo have been speating that is, of attempt ing commnnication with the moon by the aid of geometrical figures, and he concluded with tnese words: "It is oy no means a chimerical project." lr tho inhabitants of Mars could observe us by the aid of methods giving results anal ogous to ours, wo should then have to trace by electric light geometrical flguies of a rather large extent. It Wonld Iteqalre Millions. It would not be yery, very difficult to try it. It would be throwing some millions into tho sea instead of throwing them into bar racks. Europe ought to be able to come to an understanding for such an attempt Bat the result, sublime as It might be in itself, 13 so contingent and It would be so hampered by the deplorablo conditions of our own at mosphere on Mars thero is almost always line weather that it wouldbe almost fantas tic to enter upon the path without a conven ient exit at hand. It would be what they of the seventeenth century called "a philo sophic amusement," bnt to-day life passes too quickly, and we no longei; have the time to solve the impossible. Let ns not forget, however, that in tho his tory of progress the impossible of yesterday becomes tho reality of to-morrow. Tho methotl of interastral communication, if ever one be discovered, will probably not resemble any of those that wo can think of now. Miy not interastral magnetism play a part? All are familiar with the ubw idea of tho great American inventor, EdIon. Ex- fieriinenting not long ago with a telephone Ine of great length supplied with a metallic circuit, the inventor often noticed strange sounds in tho apparatus that could not have arisen from anything but terrestrial mag netism. As at this period solar eruptions were freauent and of great violence lie did not hesitate to corelato the two orders of facts. Edison's Big Telephone to the Snn. Later, making magnetic observations near the Ogden mine, his property in Xpir Jer sey, he verified at various times the sharp and relatively considerable deviations which confirmed him in his former opinion. Moreover, that a corolation does exist be between the solar phenomena and magnetic disturbances upon the earth is beyond all doubt to-day. From the beginning Edison had resolved to pursue bis studies from this point of view, and he thinks he will attain his end by followine the method in which the Ocden mine plays the leading part. This mine is formed of an almost com pact mass of magnetic iron, 1,000 meters long by 120 broad, which extends down ward to an unknown depth. A conductor Strang upon poles winds 15 times about the mine, and the ends of the thread or thin gigantic coil are brought to a telephonic ob servatory placed at one of the extremities of the lode. The great inventor is convinced that his apparatns will enable him to verify the formidable movements of winch the sun is tho theater, to Judge of their intensity, and, adds the interviewer to whom he gave these details, to hear the noise which ac companies the tremendous solar tempests. At first sight snch an assertion seems ex traordinary. It is, indeed, well established that sound cannot De propagated in the en tire absence of a material medium, solid, liquid or vaporous, and it is not less well established that between the earth and the Run, beyond our atmosphere, such a medium do'es not exist. Thirteen Years for Sound to Travel. Furthermore, ff sound could be propa gated from the sun to the earth, following known laws It would take at least 13 years to traverse the distance. Tve could not then make comparisons between the sounds per ceived and the sun spots without referring to observations made here about 13 years ago. But the sounds heard by Edison through his telephone are due, according to all ap pearances, to terrestrial magnetic disturb ances. If we admit that theso may be no more than the consequences of phenomena of the same, order that take place In the snn the sound would he transmitted electrically in a manner analogous to that that passes over our telephonic lines, the impossibility disappears. We must hope, then, that the arrangements at the Ogdcn mine are pre paring us for important revelations. Let us pray tnat it will be so, and also that a savant will arise capable of interpreting them. The daily oscillations of the magnetic needle, magnetic intensity, tho declination and the inclination, the number and splendor of the aurorae borealae, are related to the spots and the eruptions on tho snn. Every great stflar phenomenon has its counterpart in tho manifestations of terrestrial magnetism inspitoofthe 149,000,000 kilometres which separate the earth from the sun. A Possible Gate to Knowledge. There is a suggestion in this that should not be overlooked in our reflections. Then wo know nothing of the naturer of astral magnetism. By this gate, it may be, wo enter upon an avenue that is f mmenso and f nil of surprises.- Let us not shut our eyes. The sphere of our conceptions will increase with the progress of science. Very surely tho problem of Interastral communication will not be solved to-day, and centuries yet will doubtless pass before1 wo can think of it as practicable. But perhaps it will come some day through a newand unexpected discovery. Even the idea of discovering Xhe chemical composi tion ot the stars was decided absurd by Aguste Compte and other great thinkers a few years only before the analysis of the spectrum suddenly caused this revelation to fall from the sky. The glass Is a marvel: bpforc it R as known peqplo had no idea or anything in astronomy or mlcography. The electric telegraph is another marvel which has transformed the world; and may there not exist between the planetary hu manities psychic lives .that we do not know of yet? We stand but at tho vesti bule of knowledge of the universe. Let ns not believe that there is only an eternal Utopia In tho very sensible hope that some day we may enter a little further! Excel sior! CAXILLE FLAMKAElOJf. THE RUSH OF BLOOD To a Tired Brain Has Been the Story of Many a Great Man's Death. PLUMB'S CASE IS A TYPE. Manning, Folger and Carpenter All Died the Same Way. MODELS 0P PHYSICAL STEE56TH, iThe Late Senator Had tho Biceps Blacksmith or Athlete. of s '.TEAGIC I$DS OP BRILIIA5T CABEEES fcoiuixsroxDisJcx or the dispatch.! i WASunrcTOS-, January a esatok Plumb's seat in the Senate i ' draped in black and his death stares his brother Senators in the iace. He was more than any if them the personificai, tion of life a steam engine in trousers, s V mighty electric mo 1 tor run by an inex haustible storage bat- i tery; eternity rather than time seemed ' written on his brow, and he ponnded away day and night -, 40W on public questions and private matters with neither rest nor leisure. Of late years he worked harder than ever. TVith the accumulated mental savings and . training of his lifetime he felt himself just ready for work and he rejoiced in his mag nificent physique toughened by hardship and struggle. He had the idea that bodily strength meant perfect health, and when a few days ago he doubled up his great arm, in the presence of one of his boyfriends and looked proudly at the iron muscles of his bicps, he had no idea that the demon of overwork had dug its claws into the gray matter of his cranium and that his brain was doomed. ' lie Langhed at fJ'a Doctors. A year ago he began to have headaches and his doctors warned him, bnt he laughed at them and went on without cessation of work or change of life. The result was apoplexy, paralysis and death. It is tho same old story, the story of Manning, of Folger, of CMatt Carpenter and a score of others, the story of that disregard of in tellectual health which always ends in a tragedy and a funeral. "WTien Dan Claiming came to "Washington from Albany his eye was bright,his step was steady and his massive frame worked liko that of a wiry-Satyr. His blood was full of iron and the joints of his ponderous physique were well oiled. He was in per fect physical condition and he had kept himself so by exercise. His mind was as clear and healthy as his body and when ho took hold of the Treasury Department ho threw his whole soul into it. He dropped his exew'ise to devote more time to it, and he studied on day and night until the' demon of overwork grabbed him and he fell down in his office in an apoplectic fit. Ho was taken to his home and for some time.r lived on a diet of beef tea, but he died within a few months after leaving the de partment. How Secretary .Folder Went. The demon of overwork killed Secretary Folger. He jumped at our financial system and was bound to know it not only in its great problems, but in its petty details. Seated behind the great desk in his offica he boiled his brain day by day working away hours after his employes had left tho building, and taking no exercise whatever. The result was that congestion of the brain, the friend of "the demon, dropped up on him and Bright's disease, its chief officer, cams " in and killed him. -J The' death of Zach Chandler was not nn- like that of Senator Plumb. He had a physique almost as good os'that of the lato Kansas Senator, and his muscles had tough ened and' his frame hardened with his fight with the world. He had grown wealthy as Plumb had, and he had made a great rep utation as a statesman and as a Senator. Plumb's death was largely due to the brain exhaustion, caused by the" last campaign, ir which he made the" Republican fight for, Kansas almost alone. Zach Chandler's death resulted from overwork during the Garfield campaign. He had stumped a number of the States ol the Union. I trav eled with him in Ohio, and was surprised at his wonderful endurance and his remark able vitality. 1 Death After a Great Speech. Leaving Ohio he had spoken in Indiana, and had then made a number of StiesJji "Wisconsin, and now at the close of the' campaign he was to speak in Chicago. It, was on October 29 that he stood up before a larie audience in McCormick Hall, and made what was said to be the master effort , of his life. He had felt tired durint tho last few speeches of the campaign, and that niL'lit had said that he was elaa that this. was the last speech he- would have to make. Upon his return to his hotel he got a tel-j egram asking him to make a speech at De troit, and he arranged to be called at T o'clock the next morning in order that ho might leave for Detroit at 8. "When tho boy went to call him at 7, he could notmaks him hear, and npon the door being opened, Chandler was found dead in his bed, lying with his head propped npontwo pillows and his coat thrown about his shoulders. ThoJ doctor said it was heart disease or apoplexy caused from overwork. Kept Up on Stimulants; ji The demon of overwork was defied for years by Senator Matt Carpenter, but it killed him at last. His death was a carious one. It was caused by mental labor and disregard of the laws of health, though it did not come in the form of apoplexy. Ha Had an iron constitution, but he ruined.it by indiscretions, for years he did all his studying at night. He would begin at 11 o'clock with a strong cigar and a bottle of champagne to stimulate his work, and from 1 o'clock to 4 he kept himself awake by sipping brandy. At 4 he would go to bed and sleep until 9, and these five hours oi rest seemed to make him as fresh as a daisy. He went on in this way for 20 years and then he went topiecesf like the old Deacon's chaise. He found he could do nothing. Hg had terrible headaches and upon his consult ing his physician, he was told that he must die within a year. Senator Carpenter took this decree as fate and he accepted it like a hero. He told no one but his partnei about it. He never complained and he went about his business as nsuaL He looked into his own case and studied it as carefullj and as coolly as though it were that oft) a stranger. J lie Knew the Hoar of His Death. He had a register which told the story 6j the condition of his blood and as he lookec at this from day to day he wonld say to hi nartner. "I see that I have only so man) more days to live." Three days before ha death be said to him, ' i and that X canno 4 r i .rA tr - M nli fTJwMlfiii i wl W-W ' ' 'I I i. J t - V
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