= WIT OF CHILDREN, ~—Grandpa—~Who was the first Presi dent of the United States? Four-year old—Don’t know. Grandpa — George Washington was. Now you know, don't a ‘our-year-old—No, I don't know t. I only have your word for it. ~A youngster sat watching his mother while she “pitted” cherries. She inad- vertently one without removin the stone, Hopeful immediately picked it out with the remark : “Here's one you didn't unbutton, mamma." «Little Fanny looked intently at her mother for some time, Then she said: “Mother, you ain't a girl, are you?” “No, Fanny.” “What are you?" “I am a woman.” “You were a girl once, weren't Jour “Yes, Fanny.” “Well, where is girl now 2" “Yes,” said Bobby's father, as he stroked his little boy's head jondiy “Bobby is keeping a bank for his odd ponies and nickels, And how much wave you got saved up, Bobby?” “Twelve cents,” he replied, “besides the $3.25 you owe it." ~Old gentleman (putting a few ques- tions)—Now, boys—ah-—can you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he took the forbidden fruit? Small Scholar (like a shot) Please, sir, th' worn't no commandments then, sir! Questioner sits corrected. what did you do with all that cake 7" was asked of a little Third street boy. “What cake, mamma?" “Why, the cake on the table. You can- not have eaten it all?” “I put half of it in my mouth and ate it up.” “Well, where's the other half?" “The other half? Oh, I put that in, too.” ~—Enfant Terrible (in presence of the assembled family Does Sister Annie sit in your lap? Young Spriggs (terribly agitated and anticipating a breach of promise suit)-—N-no, no--certainly—of course not; how d-do you little fel Enfant terrible (impatient of subterfuge, sternly interrupts)—She—said—you was as soft as butter, and if she did not sit on your lap how did she know? ~tJ immy, = Philanthropist ~My dear little chil dren, you should not play in these dirty alleys. Don't you like the public parks ? Child—Oh, yes; they are beautiful. “Yes, indeed, and you should go to them as often as possible, breathe the fresh air and learn to love the beauties of nature.” “Yessir.” “Remember, my dear little ones, that God made the country, man made the town. Now, my good little girl, tell me what vou first observe when vou visit those nature 7 lelightial | “'Keep OI the Grass omes ol Rival Seaports, Dan McGary, of the Houston Age, cently paid a complimentary visit to the City of Galveston, which 1s the great com- mercial rival of Houston. McGary, owing to his many good qualities of heart and stomach, was invited to the Galveston Elite Cinb, where the prominent Gal "eh. vestonians assembled to do him homage, | McGary was asked what impression Galveston made upon him. He replied that it was a very nice, quiet little but that the people did not possess the ] we that was noticeable in Hous ton, “present company of course ext ed.” He kept on making odious remarks about Galveston and the natives, always, however, courteously excepting present company. . Among the Galvestonians present was Tom De aly, of the Galveston News, Me Gary asked Dealy if he had ever been to Houston. Dealy replied that he had been there, “How did you like the people bid “Very much, indeed,” replied Dealy, “they are the handsomest and the most intel ery nt. intelligent people 1 ever saw, present com- | pany excepted, Ten minutes afterward MeGary strike the Galveston News from the ex- change list of the Houston Age, Obeying Orders. " A nobleman who loved society was in the habit of frequently inviting a few friends to dinner. He was not rich, however, and only kept one servant One day, as he sat at the table with a guest, a new servant entered with a cov- ered dish. “What have you got there, Joha?” asked the nobleman, “A roasted fowl, my lord.” The nobleman said nothing till after the departure of his friend, when ho called his servant before him. “John,” said be, “you would have done the house more honor if you had said Joan fowels.” Remember that here. ter. i “Yes, my lord.” i dR A fortnight afterward the nobleman invited several more friends to dinner. Upon the servant entering with an as- Sisto each carrying a dish, the master “What have you got there, John 7” Ion Do Do agente Fociah, the correct, n undergone, replied, . ahoased oxen and calves” ly be company arst into a fil of laughter, and the host joined th fignalisg » Street Car, fan watchin’ the way folks said the driver. “I can size ‘em time. First, there's the kitchen - tho she was shootin’ : though . a 8 in the cows out of girl—the kind. to one side and waves her or energy to sa man w { pations to the table. | course the salmon was served, and every | muscle { sharp ring at the door bell announced an but | it was the | Natura | Dr. Crosby bh { that fis {lors house town, | to find an awaiting him, had | sent a telegram to his managing editor to | Telling Jokes on Himself, A very Jubmy scene, of which the Rev, Dr. Howard Crosby was the central figure, occurred a few days in a Fourth-avenue car, New York. The doctor and some ladies had just taken their seats when a man who was con. siderably under the influence of liquor boarded the car and sat down opposit) them, His conduct soon became rather boisterous, and two men who sat near by began to swear at him and threaten to put him off. This naturally did not im- prove matters, and Dr, rons, seeing that the ladies were becoming frightened, signaled the two sober men to stop their tantalizing, while hé went over and sat down beside the drunkard. After the minister had spoken a few words in the fellow’s ear he stopped his noise, and the doctor went back to his spat. For near- ly a mile further the man trayeied with. out causing the least disturbance, and then Dr. Crosby saw that he wanted to get ont. He signaled to the conductor and the car stopped, The drunken man rose from his seat,’ but before going out turned toward his late tormentors with a most horrible frown, and then stepped over to Dr. Crosby, while over his face spread a maudlin, idiotic grin. Patting the minister on the shoulder two or three times, he said in & very audible tone, “You'sh a good feller. 1 guess you know how tis'h yourself,” The doctor told that story to a party of gentlemen a day or two ago with a at deal of relish, and said it was the proof of sy pathy that ne had ever experienced. He followed it up with the following, which happened several yoars ago: A pisca orial friend sent him a huge and palatable-looking salmon, the re- ceipt of which greatly delighted the good doctor's heart. In his generosity he straightway invited half a dozen gour- mand friends to share his good fortune and help dispose of the Dinner time came, with all the on hand, and they adjourned with great antici For the second man's mouth watered. The doctor served the dish, and they all fell upon it. The first gentleman who took a mouthful stopped suddenly, his face tured pale and with a quick movement he raised his napkin to hizr mouth. The host | noticed it, as did the other guests, but too late Astonishment Dr. was scen in every of Crosby's face, when a a letter fro salmon, who stated that specimen that he had , and, as he knew Dr. Crosby anected with the Museum ol History, he had taken the liber. preserving it in alchohol, and er yet had the cour the rest of that letter, but all with their numbers 1 by the person of the donor of ate a dinner at the doc for which that reverend arrival. It was a boy with the donor of the finest ever canght was «oo ty of 8 Ney ige 10 read the guests present H] ! Sah) gentician paid in hard cash. Cy — An Awkward Mistake, A clubman relates at his own expense following reminiscenca of Wis fake + of the alleged cheapness of g in London he carried with him - , a De Be Hy needed " his Visit t ion ast Summer ing to for the his arrival he posted up soeamer dress ainner engagement only a few days off. Tt hot and he was he went at the es nt of a tailor who had been re. ended, and asked to see the pro X. That ge nd the followine ala | $425 AOL wing us shabby mportant Was an extreme tired, but GAY, ounce Wo couversalion <u aed . . csc Me — “Yos - “1 met vour customer, Mr. A, on the | | steamer | have just landed from, and he | advised me to come and see vou before looking anywhere else,” said the Ameri Can “But really, my man,” the tailor said, looking the travelstained visitor over from head to foot, “I am awfully sorry not to oblige Mr. A, don't vou know, but really we don't need any more help at present.” The American was neither vain nor lacking in a sense of the ludicrous, so that instead of becoming mortally offend. ed, as many might have done, he simply laughed and explained that he wanted some work done himsell, and on this footing he was at once treated with a consideration designed 0 atone for 0 awkward a mistake. “Giants In Those Days” Pliny mentions the giant Gabbara, who was nine feet nine inches tall, and two other plants, Poison and Secundilla, who were half a foot taller. Giarpolus tells of a young giantess who was ten {eet high. Lecat speaks of a Scotch giant eloven feet six inches in height. A giont eight feet high was exhibited at Rouen in 1766, A Swedish peasant, cited by Buffon, was cight feet and eight lines in height, and the statare of the Finnish giant Cu- {anus was the same, while Frederick ‘illiam, King of Prussia, had a guard of nearly equal stature, The giant Gille de Trent, in the Tyrol, and one of the guards the Duke oi Brunswick, was more than eight feet four inches in height. The Grecian giant Amanab, now ei $1 years old,1a seven feet eight The Chinese giant, Chang, eight fect three inches. The Awstrian giant, Winckelmeler, who was recently exhibited in Paris, measuring eight and one-half feet, may be regarded ns a specimen of the highest stature attained by the human specks. At the opposite extremes may be found numerous dwarfs not more than twenty inches, and some even as little as sixteen and even twelve inches in height; but Such warts are uy monsters with phied limbs, whose age is usually ex aggerated by their Barnums. y te i Jia for post the Hin sister Ella, aged teen, kei lim to oy hy you ol bt hi he Doug ria tat THE FAITHFUL RETAINER. Me Was Forced to Confess That His Vener- able Master Was to be Queen of the May. The following story eomes to the List ener from a Maine city, and it strikes him that for once Le may break, in its behalf, the old rule never to call a story a good one before it is told : One evening, not long ago, there wns arres ed in this city an old gentleman of position and cheery habits, The polices man said he had found the old gentleman on the street very drunk. The coms plaint was entered against him, hut, as we seemed to be able to get avout, he was released on his recognizance and sent home in a hack, which he paid for with great alacrity. When his case came up in Court the only witnesses summened to prove his condition were the police- man and the old family servant of the accused, a faithful and devoted retainer. The policeman had given his testi mony, which was unqgualifiedly to the fact of the old gentleman's intoxication, Then the old servant was called to the stand. There was a mingled expression of indignation and determination on his countenance. He testified flatly, to the surprise of the Court-reom, thet the old man was sober when he came home. The Prosecuting Attorney proceeded to question, “You say that Mr.—=waa sober when be came home 7" “Yes, sir." “Did he go to bed alone “No, sir. “Did you put him to bed 7” “Yen, sir.’ “And he was perfectly sober 1” “Yes, sir.” “What did he say when you put him to ” “He maid, ‘Good night.” “Any thing else?" “He said as bow I was to call him early.” “Any think else?” “Yes, sir.” “What was it? Tell usexactly what he said—every word.” “He said as now I was to wake and call him early, for he was to be Queen of the May!” The court-room roared. And in spite { of the old servant's Very positive testi - | mony the accused was convicted and | : fined. ] Enlightuing a Barkeeper, A friend told me an perience the other day which illus the ingenuity which a8 man whe wants a drink very badly will exercis in order to obtain relief for his nor te It appears that ay ched him on the street, and tel amusing ex trat n Iu wivation and wos afficient to purchase a meal My . Who 4 t much to th ve the fellow al = pee i t all events kes p him from Seizing the mony, the man started f and was ioined by a ntieman appear | You are Mr. X7" asked tho Ameri. | { apron and the Alaska diamond head hight, “vou must be off yer bas th ain't nawthin' the matter with it.” “Let me taste It.” said the friend, taking the glass he drained it to the dregs. “1 don't see nothing the matier | with it.” “Well, I may be wrong,” said the other, and the two were leaving th saloon when the bartender, whose anger bad changed into admiration, sad | “Look here, you two chaps, if ever you | | are hard up for a drink, come in her and I'll stand treat. [I've cake.” My friend was of opinion, and said if he had another dim in his pocket he would have bestowed it on the ingenious rogues. — bio 3 He had to Clve It Up. hi Patienfiy she sat and walled for his footfall. His footfall was busy filling en ents at other points. A tear trickled from her eye and burst into countless sparkling atoms, as it fell on the mantle which hung gracefully from her shoulders. The gaslight flickered dismally in the dim hall. She let it flicker, and heeded it not. The police- man's club struck the curbstone on the next block with a hollow sound, and she started in terror. What if—oh, sicken. ing thought! But no—George was always fly enough to take a cab after ho had finished going out with the boys. At last he came. “Where have you been so long George 7 she asked. Ho scarcely seemed to hear her. For several minutes he stood motionless, but his face wore a troubled ex n. At length he spoke these Hp “My-—hick—dear, 1 hash ter give it ap. I've fot "er poorest mem'ry e\er w. Ashk me shumpin' easy. 1 fin' out fer you to—hic- morrow from shom of ozzher—hic—fellersh. Good: wight.” i On the Front Gate, “John, do you remember when we used to swing on ‘my father's front ate T'' fo Maria, Ido.” “And the moon used to look so beauti- ful, John." N It did, Maria.” ry “And the stars wero so bright. "” “They were, “I wonder if the moon is so beautiful ana j been in the | | business for ten years and thought | | {| knew all the ropes, but this takes the | the same | | Somewhat sublitne, | might lmve aided an act that would have THE JUDUE 2QOT."” prt How ie Got Even In the Vand, Judge Whibbledon, of the Twenty ninth Judicial Circuit, is, while on the bench, a man of severe dignity, but in private life he is known as a gentleman of many adwirable social qualities, Sev. er) days ago the Judge went out into the mountains to rest and amuse himself, aed had just dismounted {rom his horse when a peculiar-looking old fellow came mong the rough path that wound its way among the jagged rocks. The old fellow, upon spying the Judge, stopped, looked earnestly, and then an odd smile crept about the corners of his mouth, and then, as though seeking ambush, secreted itself in the old fellow’s whiskers, “Giood morning,’ the Judge pleasantly called, “HL. “Do you live about here 7” “Ah, hab." “Any fish in this strcam 7” “Dunno,” “Plenty of squirrels up there, I sup- pose.” “Dunno.” Think we'll have rain 7” ‘Donne. ‘rhe Judge, somewhat disgusted, turned away and threw his line into the water, 2s 8 " & stone struck his cork. He tn quickly, but saw no movement on the part of the old fellow, who sat on " with his bands shoved deep into bis ets,” hat was that?" the Judge do The Judge turned away, and the next moment ancther stone struck bos cork, The Judge turned quickly, but the old fellow sat with his hands in his pockets “Look here, sir, 1 believe that's you.” “Yan this is me.” “I say 1 believe stones.” ‘Which stones * “Those that struck my cork. Don't you do it again 7’ The Judge again devoted himsell to his fishmg. but not without interruption, for a stone came down and knocked hus cork off. “Yon confounded old wretch! What's the matter with vou “Nothin Whut's you threw those : . the maticr with I rascal, you 4 ¢ retarned that he ha nven L 10 A poor nd man nd in the as she put her “your generosity : AL, Bobert,” she said nd Lis Deck, ne i be ME AT 1 bw 41, 1 this world" “That's all right, Mary. needed helj Why, vou've torn your trousers and fl one of your boots.” iuped inlo Lhe waler 10 save The poor man jot the heel « Yen 1 gird ou re a noble man, Robert." » a Another Act Roguired. Candid criticism is sometimes very tse ful to an author. A New York playwright who had re- | cently brought out a very sad tragedy, asked a candid friead il he had been to wee it “Only the first act” was the reply. “And do you think the first act sub lime *" saked the literatenr “Well, yes! was the reply. but I “It is think you bees more 00; an act that would Lave been a benefit to the people of this great city.” "And what is that 7” was the anxious mquiry. "The act of throwing the whole thing into the fire. That would have been an act of humanity, & noble act.” Wis Talking to the Other Follow. “Hello, Ehorfy,” said a gamin, looking at a man of abbut five feet two in front of Hp rlobe building yesterday, “Don’t call uw Shorty, you little cuss,” answered the man of a. stature ; “if you do I'll warm yeur jacket.” us t yer name Shorty 7 replied the a. “No, it ain't fhorty,” said the man. “Den don’t answer an’ get mad when somebody yells Shorty if yer name ain't Shorty. 1 was talkin’ ter Shorty, If yer ain't the man | was talkin’ ter what's the matter wid yer 7” said the youngster, ¥ 8. Paul Globe, A New Bubsiitute for Chloroform, A gentleman was observed dozing in a chair of the reading room of & Texas ho tel, holding in his hand a copy of a paper. Another party who wanted the paper for what purpose we cannot imagine fondly drew awit the coveted doen ment, 1 sleeper, however awoke, and still re taining bis hold on the precious docu. ment, said angrily : ‘ " ‘I beg your pardon, but I've got this “Yen, 1 know, but you were “Yes, but 1 nd hp Second Trump hol he ino a n wo take th! polit an’ yon tol . n br ge hat ol Varn enjoy your Wm Lg nr BUwai L, dravaisted Bugar $c es pound BY BURS. Good bargaine in all grades. COFFEF EMPORIUM, We are now ready for spring trade, "a | «84 BRONZES fron | Are prepared Lo W.R.CA rewarded, if not | | FOREIGN SECHLER & CO. Groceries, Provisions, FRUITS and CONFECTIONERY. MEAT MARKET in connection. ador 1 lowest prices. Mi ABS Finewt Now Orleans af 8c por gallon, Fine assortment of Coffees, both green ano poweied, Our rossted Coffees are always fresh, TOBACOOS. ~All the new snd desirable brands, CIGARS. Special! attention given Wo our cigar trade. Wetry to sell the best 2 Be and be cigars in towsa, TEAS Young Hyson, 80c, 802, §1 por fal, 80c, B0g, 81 pound, Genpow por pound, , B0c, BOc, §1 per pound. Mixed green and black, Sc, Bic, BI per pound A very Sine anoslored Japan tes. i ~Aypnd bargains Young Myson at 40c por pound, | CHEBSR Finest full cronm chose at 16c por pound. | VINBG AR. Pure old cider vinegar made from whole sider, One gulion of this goods ls worth mere thas two gallons of common vinegar, ! vod, Imper. . Oe, B0e, $1 | All other | STONEWARE +5 wil whned of ali the desirable shape bent quality of Akron wars, factory goode tn the market, FOREIGN FRUITS —Orsuges snd lemons «f the [raahatn yhade 4 by bad, We buy the best and Jotiest wo oan Sud. They sre Better and cheaper than the very low priced goods, FRUIT JARS We buve the new lightoing frit ja and Mason's porcelain lived sod gems top jars. Th Hghtning jor is fur shesd of apy thin yet knows It be » dite higher ip price thas the Baovn jar, vot itis worth more thus the difference in price. the lightulng Jor sud you will net regret it, * have them In plots, quarts sand half gelions, This is the mont setie MEATE Fine vugercured Home. Sboviders, Break fast Bacon, nnd dried Beef. Naked and canvass Wegnarstton every ploce of mest wesell, OUR MEAT MARKET We have Sty Sine lambs Grom for our market ss wanted, Ws give specie Stiention to getting Snes lambs and siwaye try te have s fine Sock abend. Our customers cen depend on getting nice lamb stall times, SECHLER & 00. GROCERS & wav wAREDY, Burk House Block, Bellwonte, Ps. Wall Paper and Win- dow Shades. NO HGH BFTREE!C BELLEFUNTS, FA sons] J pron *, Our line is now full and complete ; choice gonds of ail grades from 10c. 10 $3 60 BROWN BACK 10¢ ; PATENT BACK : WHITE BACKS 16c; SATINS 20¢ ; MICAS 80¢ ; 40 4 EMBOSSED GOLDS from 60 to 90 HAND PRINTS and VELOUKRS, from $1 00 wo $3 60 A Cle A FULL LINE OF GODEY’S LADY'S BOOK FOR 1887. Sample Copy 1B Cents. WINDOW SHADES AND FIXTURES Can put them up st short notice, ar Saget decorators We also bave good paper hangers, ceiling and hotse Painiers exoputs Jobe In tows or’ oousiry Have telephone coupw tion {JO mo t gs and see our line, or call os and we wil Ge 10 Bee § and SH. WILLIAMS, 1o-dm briog sams plen Manufacturer and Dealer in FINE FURNITURE, UNDERTAKING and Embalming A SPECIALTY. No. 7 West Bishop St, Bellefonte, Pa. EASILY — ACCODNTED FOR S94 Pheaphate as MP | duced | Colored Fashions Goney's leads in colors ALWAYS $2 AVEAR 5 IN Beautiful Premiums to every Subscriber, Terms to Clubs. Extra Premiums fo (lub Reisers ho 4 Copies... sti 8 Coples............ ronan BF CDRA cu vsinssnssssasssismensrens For list of Premiums and tersas to larger ibe; vend for Sample Copy, which will give vou full informstion. GODEY'S. at the present time is ad. superior in America, hav. of departments, milled Ly press and people Ww be BLY indies magazine ne ithe greatest variety ably edited . The fentures Lerary are SLories, Serials, Charades, elles Short sutbhos whe sre: J. V ilar ry will Phich- Churchill, tr, Emily Lennox Nove Pomes. ots Among the poy | contribute to Gog {are, Miss Emily Reed, Jobs William Miller and others Engravings sppesr ir every number, of | subjects by well-known srisls, and pro. by the newest processes. In its Bulle Both modistes sccord ibhem and styles dressmskers position, Paper Patterns are one of the important features of this magazine : each subscriber being allowed to selent their own pattern every month, sa item alone more than subscription price. Practical Hints upon Dressmakink show how garments can be renovated and made over by the pailerns given, Practically bints for the housebold show young housekespers how 10 massage the Salipany department with ecomomy and skill, Fashion Notes, at Home and Abroad delight every indy's heart. The Colored std Black Work * Designs give all the newest idens for fancy work, The Cooking Recipes are under the con tro of an experienced housekeeper. The Architectural Department is of practical utility, caseful estimates being iven with each plan. FT OLUR RAISERS PREMIUMS. arranged to give elegan makers » and bome the foremost GGY'S has Silves Plated Ware of premioms, the value of whioh fa some in stances reaches over $25 for one premiem- Send 1be, for Semple whieh contain Tustrated Premiums wit® Mill particu lars and terme. GODEY'S LADY'S BOOK, with} thi be In Club S paper, GODEY'S and The Ll tre Democrat Price $2.78, which sirould be sent to the office of this
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