'j-70iM ' tfylwff" V v '"" "f'rt'YiPT' Ik 1 . u uening public IfitbK TUBLtC LEDGER COMPANY CHIOS II. K. CUIITIH. Par.sMT.XT Charlea II. I.udlnaton, lire rreel.lenti John f. Martin. Secretary and Trwumi Philips), Collin", John D. Williams. John J. Syurgeon, Directors KOITOniAti IIOAtlUi Craus II, K. CVBTta, Chairman PAVID E. 8MILHT ilMLL ii" JOHN C MAnTLV.... general nmlnm ?.n."?! Fubllahed dllr t Pmtio Liners, IJulldlns. Independence Square. Philadelphia. Lcnam Cr.Mn.il. Ifroml and Chestnut .."treels ATLlNTto ClTI Vrtf-Vnlon nulldlnar New Yosic S00 MHropollt"fi Tower D8TBOIT M lord llulld na ST. Locis. . Ions Kullerton lWHn, Cmciao 1212 Trl6pe Uulldlnrr NEWS nUKKAUH: N. B. Cor. Pennsylvania Ay ard MJ.ViS.V New Yok lltanc Tlw H? 'Hj.1,1'"" Lospom UnuD I.ondon rimra 8UI1SCI11PTI0N TBltllH Tha Ercxivo Pcsl.lo Ltnits l aerved to '" acrlbers In Philadelphia ami surrounding towi is at tha rate ot twelve (12) cents per week, payable to the carrier. ,. . ,,.,, . ,fc.. , Ily mall to points outalde of .hll.!!?,V'l lJ lha United State.. Canada, or United HJatea poa eaalnna, potae free, titty (.101 centa per month. 8lx (10) dollara per sear, Payable In advance. To all foreign countrlea one (III dollar per NoTicr subscribers wishing address changed mutt give old a well aa new address. BELL. J(KWVALNUT KF.YSTONF M UNS0O0 VT Aitdrta nil eouimuitlrnllon ' yr'n'' ,''yb',e Lldorr. iidepeiideuce Hqunrf, PMImlelpliW. inieieo at tub piitiJiiEtrniA rout ones as ECOND CMaa MAIL MATTEn. rWlid.lpliU. -tinnimr, April 5. ll. MORE HOG ISLAND HOGGING THOSE in West Philadelphia who aro to be evicted from their homes to mako way for Hob Island shipyard workers fan not be consoled by a senso of co-operation with the Federal Government. The Fed eral Government never did and never will attempt such nn amazing violation of moral and civil rights. The seventy or more householders who have been given "thirty days to get out" nro the victims of spectacular ofllclal blundering In tho Emergency Fleet Corporation. Admiral Bowles should revoke that order of eviction. He should revoke It today. The possible reactions of such a procedure upon public sentiment In nil parts of tho country nre unthinkable. Men will not object to leaving their homes to help the Government. Millions of them arc doing It. But a semiofficial organization which drives men with families Into tho streets Is un-American In spirit and un-American In Its shameful Inefficiency. Hog Island was planned a year ago. Since then the Emergency Fleet Corpora tion has had limitless resources nt Its disposal. It has permitted Itself to be dazed and bamboozled by a frowsy clique of petty profiteers and so confused that It now must force a hundred citizens out of their homes In order to carry out Us con struction program. The plan, says Admiral Bowles, may be "expanded." Tho housing plan, so far as It involves forced evictions, should be abandoned at once. Otherwise k nation-wide tempest of criticism Is cer tain to rnko the Emergency Fleet Corpora tion as It has never been raked before. Joseph G. Guffey Is retiring from the manufacture of coal gas preparatory to en gaging In tho production or campaign hot air. NOTHING BUT A SMOKE BARRAGE rpiIAT resolution adopted by tho Hopub- Ilcan City Committee, directing Its counsel to draft an art "which will render It Impossible for any member of tho Phila delphia (police) force to participate either directly or Indirectly In any political ac tivities whatsoever," Is nothing but a snioko barrage behind which the men who have been using tho pollco for political ends are trying to lildo themselves. We have a pretty good law now which forbids, not only policemen, but all other city employes to participate In politics di rectly or Indirectly. It Is chapter 20 of tho laws of 1806. Tho Mayor and tho heads of tho departments aro ordered categori cally to dismiss from offico any one who violates the law. Tho city commltteo by adopting its res olution admits that tho police aro In poli tics Why docs it not demand that tho Director of Public Safety dismiss tho guilty Instead of wasting its tlmo parsing a camouflaging icsolutlon? Captain Mills Is legally Impotent to punish policemen guilty of political nc tlvlty, for that power rests under tho charter In the hands of tho Director of Tubllc Safety. Director Wilson has not exercised that power In tho past and thero Is no reason to bellovo ho will exercise it In the future. If wo mlstnko not, ono o the reasons for keeping him in offico Is to protect the favorites of tho politicians In their Jobs. Is that talk now coming fiom City Hall thai "listeners In- gave tho tips (o keepers of vicious resottii when raids were planned fomo mora cainoullag-? SOLDIERS' LETTERS MVCil Is being written by military men about the supremo Importance of lines of communication. We are told that they HP the nerves of the war machine. Mean while the PostofHce Department seems to be hopelessly bundling one of tho most important nf alt lines of communication In Permitting endless delays and general In efficiency In tho system of mall delivery to soldiers not only abroad but at home. It Is said that the Christmas mall sent to France from the United States has not yet all been distributed. It Is possible, of course, that shifts and trans',:- of hoops abroad, tho hurried re organization of military forces made neces sary by changing conditions behind tho front, have contused the mall service tem porarily. Tills does not explain delays in malt shipment to cantonments, nor does It explain the Interruptions that are said to have been common abroad since the first American soldiers landed on the other side Mr, Burleson owes the soldiers and the country an explanation. He owes the sol diers better service. This Is a courtesy which should be accorded the man In uni form by the civil order which he Is fight lnr to uphold. Any one who has ever been young knows the teal Importance of mall from home. C.aod wishes can travel overseas In letters. (k, too, can tht heartening' spirit of the ; tifte where; a soldier left his heart behind t w n went sway, setters are im- Tftjr can itoean more to AM wr-lwntl WHERE HELL MAY BREAK OUT NEXT WHETHER Germany nttempts tosclzo ' ' Holland now or Inter Is not particu larly important. The reports from Eu ropo regarding the ucutencss of tho crisis nro conflicting. From one sourco wc nre told that there has been no chnngo in the situation for months and from an other word comes that within a few weeks, if not within n few days, Gcr mnny will net No one fntniiinr with German ambi tions hns doubted that Germany would net when the time seemed to her ripe. ,Tolland hns been serving her purposes from tho beginning of tho war better as n neutral than as an ally. Germany has been receiving much-needed supplies through the Dutch ports, and Dutch busi ness men have been making enormous fortun s through their dealings with the Germans. Tho trade has gone on in spite of the effort of tho Allies and of tho Netherlands Government to prevent it. Tho scizuro of Dutch shipping by the United States and Great Uritnin and the stoppage of the shipment of more goods to Holland than nro needed for home consumption have changed the conditions so radically that Holland as n neutral has censed to be useful to Berlin. The time seems to be ripe now from the German point of view for the an nexation of the Netherlands. German armies surround her by land on all sides. If she can be prevented from receiving assistance it will be comparatively easy for these armies to sweep over the boun dary and occupy the country. Tho Dutch army on war footing contains about 200,000 men. The few fortresses on the frontier could be reduced by the Ger man guns if resistance were offered, and when the nation thinks of lesisting she hns the fate of the Belgians to consider. But she hns also to consider the fate of her colonial possessions. While the mother country covers nn area of only 12,500 squnrc miles, containing n popu lation of 0,500,000, the colonics include 735,000 square miles of rich territory, in which 48,000,000 persons live, all con tributing to the wealth of the Dutch. The moment Holland became German terri tory she would lose every square mile of her colonies. Hollnnd cannot be taken without reckoning with the Entente Allies. Ger mnny already has too many naval bases on the North Sea. It is inconceivable that she will be nllowcd to increase them without meeting the Allied armies on Dutch soil. It is inconceivable also that the men in charge of the strategy of the war have not a well-thought-out plan for going to tho defense of Holland. When tho purpose of tho attempt to close the mouth of tho harbors at Ostcnd and Zecbruggo is explained no one should be surprised if wc nre told that it was part of a movement to clear the way for the passage of transports to the Dutch coast. It is certainly true that if the use of these ports as subrnarinc bases can be made impossible it will be safer for transports to get to Holland. Wc must wait developments and look to events to disclose the plan of cam paign to keep Gcrmnn from making an other Belgium of the Netherlands. The Gcrmnn raid is liable to begin at any timo, but it is not likely to find either tho Dutch or tho Entente Allies unpre pared, for tho Dutch nro not ready to surrender their nationality and the Allies cannot afTord to stand idly by while the rape of a nation is in progress. While wo aro talking about taking the police out of politics why overlook tho Mu nicipal Court? RAIDS WHOEVER has fccii a vice raid of tho old-fashioned sort in its final culmina tion at tho night court and about tho City Hall cellrooms will understand the full sig nificance of Acting Superintendent Mills's announcement that raids aro to bo no more. That ono statement Inspires a sense of something actually achieved In tho direc tion of pollco reform. Tho most familiar gallery play of other pollco administrators was a spectacle nde quato to make any heart cold with despair for freo Institutions. Nothing crueler or moro brutal, moro Ignorant or less effi cient lias ever been conceived under ordi nary forms of civil law. Tho present acting huperlntcndent of police could have mndo no better bid for Intelligent support than that Involved In his first order. When the pollco depart ment Is properly directed raids will bo un necessary. Yesterday was a baconlcss day among all truo Shakespccrcans. KEEl AN EYE ON MEXICO TROl'BLE Is browing again or still, If you prefer In Mexico. Thero uro warn ings of border raids, of trench systems and of military activity upon nn unoxampled scale. Germans are, of course, behind It. The hordes who left hero at the outbreak of the war have already done much to make Mexico an outcast among tho world's republics. And they could not remain Idle during this crisis of the war. It Is tho misfortune of the militarist German and his fundamental weakness to know nothing of tho power and potentiality of wholesome rago and hatred; nothing of what might bo called constructive indig nation. It has been evident that he never reacts to a sense of personal outrago or personal emotion. Theso are habits of the free mind. The German does as he Is told. Berlin, there fore, has not yet realized that each one of the Innumerable crimes that have made the ordinary terrors of war seem rela tively acceptable and decent has tended definitely to make disaster moro certain for Germany. Tho blundering plots against America, like the violation of all military ethics In other fields, have had a cumula tive effect In aiding war loans, In writing opinion, In temperli.g even selfish folk to sacrifice. In hardening even the most chari table hearts to a doctrine of vengeance. Germany Is consistently building up In out. raged human consciousness a force terrible and Immeasurable, with which she can never deal except In defeat and humilia tion, which jftakes her doom dally more of I ; certainty, Mexico is merely anoiner v EVENING PUBLIC LEDGER In tho north nro essential to tho Allied flcetH. Tho Allied fleets nro essential to tho safety of the world. Tho Germans havo capitalized Ignorance In Mexico. They havo wrought through tho perfidy and greed of tho politicians nnd through the cupidity of the . rcss. They aro now working dcs. pcrntcly to cause now complications be tween Washington nnd Mexico City, If ever tho oil fields of Mexico are threatened tho United States will seize them. And wo shall bo In a mood after the war, with all tho lessons of the present crisis beforo us, to see to It definitely that decent government Is established In Mex ico In placo of tho festering political mess Which so often has threatened tho pcaco of tho continent. That chauffeur whoso tiro exploded evi dently wanted to get too much freo nlr for nothing. BLOW TO MILITARISM NOW that tho President has announced his opposition to the Chamberlain bill providing that all suspects shall bo tried by court-martial Its defeat Is fortunately assured. Even though It should bo passed by Congress It would be Impossible to mus ter votes enough to override a presidential veto. Mr. Wilson's objection is based on sound reasons. He hays that besides being un constitutional tho bill would put us "nearly upon the level of tho very people wo are fighting nnd affecting to despise. It would bo altogether Inconsistent with the spirit and practice of America." As we said beforo tho President took his stand on Monday, this Is a democracy nnd not a military nutocracy, nnd tho civil authorities aro competent to deal with of fenses within their Jurisdiction. llobson? It seems as If wc had heard that name before. THE STILL, SMALL VOICE That Belt This tho lino of the Sam Brown belt, Tho snappiest thing in leather welt; It Is not worn by our lads, But in all tho smartest tailors' ads. Desk Mottoes Tho sweetest words In the English lan guage nre INCLOSED FIND CHECK. STUEBOR. Albert Catarrh, Obesity's famous hay fever sufferer, who, Hko his sister, Asthma Catarrh, has been bedridden with hay fever for many years, writes to know whether this Garabed free energy ho reads about will euro his trouble. Wo don't know much about Garabed. but wo advlso Albert and Asthma to be wary. They might bo Garnbcdrlddcn. The Humor Shortage To the V. d. Humor Administrator, care of The Still, Small Voice: Dear Sir I see with pleasure that somo one bcsldo myself has noticed the humor shortage. Tho situation Is Indeed bad, par tlcularly In the Philadelphia evening, pa pors. Every patriotic citizen should back, you up In your demand for conservation of all available raw material. You point out that many of our best humorists havo gono abroad as war cor respondents. I hope more will follow. Is good care being taken that every consign ment of humor is being sent back to us without being opened by tho censor? Any ono with a sense of humor can seo.lt would not do to have a humor censor. He would not havo tho sense to know what to censor. You ask us to dig up any old humor we may have In cold storage. I have a small stock, but It Is Imported English, with a long-time fuse. I had not expected It to bo In such demand, so I salted It away In a brass cuspidor which I obtained as a souvenir of the Capitol at Harrlsburg. Tho Janitor should ask more than fifty cents for them; they weigh ten pounds, solid brass. Still, brats Is more plentiful than humor. I now call the article a humidor, and will ship It to you. I have also found a small stock of French humor whicli I had forgotten, as I have been married five years. It consists of three volumes of Ilabelals, which I had placed on top of tho humidor to prevent evaporation. Both Rabelais nnd the hu midor were back of Grandfather Mlffiln's big family Blblo for safe keeping. Do you think this would bo valuable as raw material? MIFFLIN McGILL. Dove Dulcet says there is a little blue rako of scented soap that appears mys teriously In the bathroom of his house whenever ho and Mrs. Dulcet entertain visitors. He doesn't know where It comes from or where It lives between times. It Just pops up. Also the embroidered towels the size of napkins, with Mrs, Dulcet'a maiden initials on them. He wonders whether other married men have the same puzzling experience? WHITl'l thU letter now to your own man in the trenches, and then do all you can to hasten the day when It can be mailed, near : Philadelphia has overtubtcrtbed her Cfota in the Third Llbcrtu Loan, We are back of vou, every minute. Your affectionate THERE Is no feeling of satisfaction like that of having just bought a Bond Except that of Just haying bought ANftTHKK 1MNB. V'ef kr 1lmm. Yet ..in ..aafiawssjsaViiaisjtii ... o ' t OCRATE. - - PHIL4DELPHIA, WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2i, THE GOWNSMAN "y.E8TEnDAT was the anniversary of tht, day traditionally supposed to be that on which Shakespeare first came into this vale of tears. It Is likewise the date of his de parture Into that state In which, If, accord ing to Maeterlinck, Immortality depends upon the degree In which we continue to be re membered In this world, hl Is a condition of security which belongs to few warriors or kings. SHAKESPEARE Is all things to all men, or perhaps better, a different thing to each man. To the cheap writer he Is a quarry, now rather overused ; to thcr- ladles' and gentlemen's Browning or other Hko so ciety, a subject of Interminable chatter, do Hghtfully Inconclusive; to the school boy or girl, Shakespeare Is too often a woolly rccol lection of Lambs Tales. It Is doubtful to some If ho was a book, or a man, or a syn dicate. To the actor he spells ruin, yet Ir ving, thn lato Sir Reerbohm Tree and others have mado a fortune out of him. To tho madmnn he spells Rnletgh, Rutland or Plan tagenet Uacon Is now quite out of fashion even In the madhouse. The German thinks him best as translated by Kchlegel and Tlcck Into tho cacophonous unwleldiness of the language of Kultur. A president of the Con temporary Club ngrecs with tho firm of Claws and E'erlonger that Shakespeare is dead, adding. "I.et us keep him so." And a superintendent of public schools once asked the Gownsman If he did not think that tho movies might be successfully employed In what he called "teaching Shakespeare." To which the Gownsman modestly replied that he had always had a notion that perhaps the text of the poet might be In me way Important. To which the superintendent graciously replied, "Well, possibly It Is." IT IS pleasant to think that the recurrent Spring should bring back tn the faithful thought nnd recollection of the greatest artist In our English tongue. It Is gr,od to think of the kindly nctorfnlk !n the Forrest Home, finding their pleasure, after the manner of their generous "quality." In hopltallty to their guests who help them annually to honot the greatest among them. It Is good, too, to think of that august annual toast of th Philadelphia "Phnkspcre" Soc'ety mark tin. distinguished, the dltingulshtng spelling of tho name "To William (Shakespeare, Gentle man." Here, nt least, thero Is no belief thnt tho great poet was a lout, In thli Ameri can Roclety which has honored itself In hon oring him theso sixty years, and a dozen cr more before the degenerate land of Kultur founded :tn much-belauded Shakespeare Soci ety. It Is even good to think of the many Khakespenrn meetings and conventions, how soever they may be adding In the dust which most of our deliberations raise to a brief obscuration of tho Bun. SHAKESPEARE is as common as tho sun, and, for tho most part so commonly dls 'regarded. We even complain of tho sun at times, for his direct rays may be grateful, stimulating. Inflaming or terrible. And we come In out of his Influence, seeking the half shadow of somo penny-a-llne commentator or the darkened counsel of some Impertinent crlt!o whose opaque body Is Inflated enough to cast a shade even on a cloudy day. T.lko the sun, too, there Is nothing new under Shakespeare. Tho wlsdt.ni of Solomon was but prophetic of him; the last clever thing that you said, my clever reader, has already been better said by Shakespeare not Solo mon. And If you nre an ngnostlc as In these sad days there are many whose religion Is at a. perilous ebb stop talking about Shakespeare, and for that matter, about n good many other things, as to which we must have knowledge '.n this world, and, what la more, faith as well. BUT the Gownsman is not only double, wrapped In his gown, he Is half-way up tho steps of the pulpit. To descend: Thern wan once a man was It Pr. Benjamin Rush or somebody else who wrote a prefatory act entitled "Hamlet of Wittenberg." He mhh a hold man ami bis net as bail. Tlieie was a nice lady who wrote a decorous, ladylike book about the childhood of the heroines of Shake speare. Think of ladyllkn Iidy Macbeth : and Cleopatra must havo been caught rry young to have been found even passing decorous. It Is wonderful what people will perpetrate In tho name of Shakespeare ! The Gownsman once kept all copies of "Shakes pcarlana" conveniently near tho fireplace thlH Journal Is peculiarly fitted to this useful purpose; its only Illumination Is In burning. Is there never an alienist who will offer us a tractate on senllo dementia, prematurely superinduced by habitual writing about Shakespeare? And could we not induce some particularly ponderous commentator dear old Warburton, for example to write a treatise on the present place of nbode of, say lago or Richard III? Tho commentator, by tills time, should know of this matter nt first band. E VF.RVriODY can tell you why Shake speare Is this, that or the othrr. Ho has always heard about It. IIo learned It In school, repeated It In college; he acceptH It all, truth nnd myth, feet of clay and nim bus of glory. It Is no small matter for tho English-speaking world to havo for a stand ard In art, morals and everyday conduct such a norm as Is represented In the works of our greatest poet. It Is like steering by a star Instead of by a bug light. You can not reach the star least of all In a sub marine ; you can rcacli the bug light and what If you do? Faust, as dilated In the Imagination of Goethe who was too great a man to be a good German Faust, so dilated, was-, nono the less, typical of tho German spirit. Goethe's Faust "wanted the earth" ; bo wanted It grossly and sensually, he wanted to know, yes. but only as a meaiiH to enjoy ; and lust and bloodshed these are the re sult. In tho cud Faust Immorally outwits tho devil and is received Into h German heaven, tho happy possessor of both (he penny and the cake. Hamlet hesitates, fears to do wrong, and blunders In the end lest ho do It. Whether wo read or not. wo are In sensibly affected by the moral standards of our race; and these standards arc recorded In the poets. T CONSIDERING how honor would be lj come such a person, that It was no better than picture-like to hang by the wall. If renown made It not stir, was pleased to let him seek danger where he was like to find fame. To n. cruel war I sent him ; from whence he returned, his brows bound with oak. "But had be died In the business, madam, bow then? . "Then his good report should have been my son ; I therein would have found issue Had I a dozen sons, each In my love alike and none less dear than thine, 1 had rather had eleven die nobly for their country than one voluptuously sur feit out of action." Here speaks the American mother, the British, the French, the Italian mother of this, our terrible moment, howsoever Roman the spirit. The supreme Justification of our homage to Shakespeare lies in his eternal contemporaneousness. Shakespeare Is al ways a topic of the day. Buy a Bond ' To the Editor of the Kvtnln'g rublte Ltigtr: Sir Tho following Is a shot for a Liberty Bond: Buy a Bond It's a great fight ' For the right Therefore, With all t Thy might FIGHT I BUY A BOND1 Wyncote. Pa., April . H.,L. POUND. TODAY'S USELESS QUESTION If beans are beneficial and nuts are Lu-trH-MM- and bale to fit ml -(-, rStMs43aV'sJK.' Xr .. nur, .' ,j;"" .r- Arils' ..j&3&S?rSii "'iS RSi!5ar''.rf& ;-' .ri'-- --.:'r:.-'" --O-TTTVAfiiSJrafe ..- "eSS7'fit?raHS!e-2TOrvi: i,r'M!SiB'--i---... ,.-" -r--i!'itTmKiifSr-'jS: .rrr -7ssasKSKSfiscsr. ; v-wiv 2te -.3 EMERGENCY QUIPYARDS LAUNCH VAST PUN By CHRISTOPHER MORLEY Washington, April 23. Tho worst has happened. Tho United States Humor Ad ministrator 1ms put the nation on Joke rations, in n desperate effort lo conserve the waning supply of humor. This action was prhislrly predicted In these dis patches somo days ago. t hurried to the office of the Humor Ad ministration this morning nnd found the Administrator In n very grave mood. "Tho situation is very serious," ho said. "Tho war will only bo won by .laughter and high spirits and the sliortago of humor Is acute. Last year only 236 new Jokes were launched. Keels have been laid for 400 new Jokes this year In our qulpynrds; but we had a great disappointment the other day. Twenty-six excellent Jokes, constructed of concrete, on tho best Now England principles, were ready to leave the ways In Boston, but nn soon as they were launched they wink. Wc have decided not to manufacture any more In New Eng land." HE TOOK me to the administration's testing chamber, wlicro a group of experts wero busy examining bluo prints and specification plans sent In by Joke In ventors. In another room I was pleased to hear squeaks and shrill screams of laughter, unmistakably feminine. I looked Inquiringly at tho Administrator, "It Is a committee of patriotic mothcrs-ln-law," ho said, "who have volunteered their serv ices for the duration of the war to concoct new Jokes on married life. W havo ulso committees of commuters and landladies nnd rcsldentH of Brooklyn for Intensive cultivation of'thclr respective fields. But notwithstanding our most urgent efforts tho shortage of humor is very dire. Wo must be penurious of our Jokes punurl ous, In fact." "Tell mo about your rationing plan," I said. "It Is quite simple," ho replied. "Every citizen Is to carry a humor card. When ever ho feels the Impulse to utter a Joke he Is to take the card to ono of our local bureaus, where u commltteo will bo In charge, consisting of one parson, one trolley car conductor and one boarding house keeper. Before this tribunal he will utter his Jest nnd have his card punched. Every one Is to bo limited to one 100 per cent Joke a day, or n number of substitutes that will total up to 100 per cent. For Instnnce, Jokes on prunes, flat feet and suburban trains are reckoned as only 33 per cent humor. Three of those a day may be permitted, We have worked out a tuble of equivalents, which will be strictly observed: "3 puns l twit, "3 twits 1 wheeze. "2 wheezes il smile, "i smiles 1 guffaw. "6 guffaws' I JesL '. "2 Jests 1 smoklngsrar story. "10 smoking-car stories 1 Joke. "An easy calculation will show you, therefore, that while each person Is lim ited to one Joke a day, lie may utter 8640 puns or 120 guffaws a day without exceed ing his allowance." TUT h,ow about the funny papers?" I JJ asked., "What are they to do?" He turned to his flies. "The last 00 .per cent Joke, that appeared In a humorous, paper -was In an, the" thwi u 9rtijrmt eeii,jn. The, WtMVvf i W '. 4 AM i ' Ur SB substitutes fru- 1918 "WHAT'S DELAYING AUSTRIA?" ry-wiii 'PJ$M humor, such as sarcuMii and parody. You will understand that what wc aro con corned with Is the pure milk of the word." "Tho hay foor season Is coming along," 1 s-.ild. "Surely thai will do something to rcllevf. tho sit nation'.'" "Pcrhap.s," he said, "And, thank lictivcn. wc hnv- two cx-Presldents In ac'llvo circu lation. But you don't realize that largo nercages of humor that used to yield splen did crops havo now gone sterile. Take suffrage, for Instance, or bloomers, or col lege professors. These things are no longer Jokes; they are stern realities," ((AND now," said the Administrator, "I Tilinvo to go down to tho qulpyard to supervise tho launching of n new pun. We are depending crcatly on our Host of swift, uiib'Inkablc puns to beat the sub marines. Preserve the Puns i.nd Punish the Huns! You can come with mo If you wish. All tho greatest Jokers in the coun try will bo there tho Weather Mini, the editors of Chicago newspapers, Major Smith of Philadelphia, tho writers of sum mer resort booklets for tho railroads and tho inc-i who mako up the berths In Pull man cars. They form a Jury of experts to inspect each new pun. When they pass upon It we know It is unslukable." "What sort of drydocks do you use to construct theso puns?" I asked. "We don't use drydocks," ho said; "wo uso paradox." rpiIE qulpyard was a maguillccut place. - I saw there the shimmering. Iridescent keels of several new (mr.8 that hud Just been laid down. The work Is very danger ous, I was told; an- iiinhulaiico was carry ing off a laborer who had been attacked by hysteria while riveting a quaint con celt that lay half-finished In ono of tho paradox. "Wo get as many New Eng enders as posslblo for this work." sulil tho Administrator, "as they are Immune to the dangerous exhalations from the half seasoned timbers." A flotilla of urmorcd whims, for the transport of newspaper paragraphs to Franco, was lying In mid stream. A cheap sarcasm, the least ex pensive form of nautical Joke, was being refitted, having suffered by stern collision with a fact. A full-rigged qulu was being loaded with heavy ballast by Charley Chap lin and Frank Tlnney. A submarine twit was passing through a lock on the way to her quay. Sho was1 fully equipped with sneering gear and punning tower. A llttlo gig (sometimes called a gag) was being re- masted, having had to Jlbo In a squall. But tho pun that wo were to see launched was the most fascinating sight. On her bridge was n bosun, In pundress uniform nnd navigalters. Tho great super-pun was completely furnished with binnacles, bar nacles, bowsprits and sternsprtts. The ways had betn greased for her and ehe was all ready to enter her native element. There was considerable anxiety among tho pungl. neers (as they are called) lest she should not prove Jokeworthy, and the master pundit, Josephus Coso (better known as Joo Coi e) was going over her carefully to see that all her compartments were suffi ciently buoyont. Her decks, which were being schwabbed, were built of fine old blighted chestnut, her bulwarks of cypress and weeping willow. Her keel was of slippery e)m. VThs Administrator cracked n ivuii. t M horse liniment on. her ,bott aid the Vaet -.. '.. '.--.. """.. ;:;-... :-:. ,-.. . 2wi5!,- li&.V.ri'-iTi.-'f mS& XiA-7&&?rk . '--.ir.-.-. r.s. J Sti-ii-ySssa'-: j "-.?. ' ' ': ' a w- " "-. rPEs-rvT and all the staff of the Emergency Qui Corporation broke Into a cheer. LooraEj majestically over the graceful little himi In tho river, she settled down gravely law the wntcr. All the loyal pun-AmerlciDi present shouted liwtllv. whistles blew, flip fluttered, Mr. Schwab wept tears of rtUet Her displacement Is wild to be 10,000 pum, UWIIAT arc you going to call ItnR ' ' asked the Administrator. J ililsh!" he said. "This Is Slialicspcaie'l birthday, in his hemm- wc hax c caked til I lb I pun 1'clnnhlii. "Hut why?" I asked. "Borauso It I.s going to tamo (lie thnw- II boats." The World Hays "Hamlet" JAMES M. HECK, In bis address at til Edwin Forrest 1 lotne yesterday afternoon on the occasion of the annual Shaktjpeart' festival, drew a crv interesting analocyl, tween the uhuraciers of "Hamlet" aodjt) Intel national actors on the present wort stage. It was one more proof of what tj Uownsmaii today calls "The eterml CM- tcnipornm-ouRiiesH of Shakespeare." The Kulscr. said Mr. Heck, is the WW! Claudius of tills world drama- the fmllln,1 lllaliiawh(i poisoned cl Miration as it UJ sleeping in Its on-liaid. In Hie secure hour.et lln afternoon peace, lierniany Is iaudltfi Queen. Gertrude: onre well belotcd of mm when she whs the old (Jeiinany of CctJ and lierthuwii. but now tending hereiy the Infamous designs of tlir militarists. AM trlti Is the Laertes nf the piece, unaitllj by nature, but cozened by Claudius Into 15 Ing up the poisoned foil by which lie hta perishes. Turkey and Bulgaria aro the KJ" Ith RoFcncrantz and Gulldenstcrn. W- France Is plainly tho Horatio of the tr cdy, tho noblo soul of whom jiaiiiijy I'Yir tlmu liaat lieen ...1 Aa one. In ufforlnc till, that eufferi sMMMJ Englnnd is the bravo FortlnbrU, "finds qunircl In a straw when honor the stake." Belgium Is poor, broken Op and Russia Is old Polonlus. whose m0t,lTJ full or sweet and high-sounding doctrlney now lie lies dead behind tho arras. ,w And our own country, said Mr, necK. Is It but Hamlet himself the distracted ! 1st nf the deadly scenario? Hamlet, rtvoW so long In his mind Whether 'tis tiol.li-r In Hi' mind to ""'J; The alines nnd arrow of ,nilrae)U row Or In take Hi-urn acalnxi a e-a ot trouw And ly opi'oeliiB. end lliem p The analogy between the plot of "IIl2Jl anil the present tragedy of ntlon.'VS, deeper and deeper as one examines lfcLJ Beck Is perhaps the first to point ( IIU And, ns ho said, tho curtain Is now lifts? the fifth act of the stupendous drama wy . , ,i. nf sniri future" uennueiueilL linuni-ij nil- ' -- - p conization. M What Do Yon Know? 1 QUIZ I. Identify "the Ilay Mute." I. Name the Biitlmr of "Sordello," a. n nut is nkiuiK riiuiiaar. -r. 4. Who I. rammsiiHer-liMhlff of th S urnir and nn? ,k-jl3) 8. What l Ibe illlferenee between ntirr rold-frnme? 'H- I (I, Who uaa Itnbln Hoed? 7. Who were the Vetul Vlrslnt? s. What l H. rlomeater? - ..-, .... a..,- - Vt't.l.t v, v Here i in " , , v,w 10, Who uaa ;ron WttmeLter on Wci Answers to Yesterday's Q"1' 1. Ilhelma l an Wlent city f lWfli miles bark of Ih Kneh I'""- Jift ruin rrom coninni un - aMf j.hn Pnrmr JJItchel. the former l"w r.realer New Vrk. I now a Bie - ...ll Uintmm aerial COrtM. . rT A t. "The kins ran do no ," r"n" "f"" J, 'nJ mlnl.trr and not the m""!'"," S3 sllile lor mmioKei in """", oteRI 4. Lombard alreet l By nnfll ""Jjl ' Wall Utreet. of London. ... Jfi ii...j,mlui derlred from tha.naLal v, ";--- .-."..-- I...nlfl, nr 10V . Jolin .iiar.up". . - proceae, to railed, fl. Slalne la the l'lnelree Mate. 7, William 1'rnn founded i "n""""; ffi . Th. Ijmeoon la a relebmtrd Ul - -' '.tM.n .h.i.nr' lha linniUKI - - iw.... -...- . -- lijr two aerponia. 0. illnelon la from an an " vg Th.ra oneeer. two raU l Irvna earn muwiiii ,.. iow ."". Ha their Al I'M :aaor Omh inn m wmvfM mnm f Mwiaauv "m to wrcta UmX I 9laUftsM forty 4own the aUd. The Jmy k mmi afcj'l ,nfihri ? I . . ' t i WaUa n mm'
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers