'uiiMmtnaan'T.ftgwtiL.Mwiy)!"1 w& W'Hy,w ie-v-ivw-vr-re1' I 1 t w f I ROCKEFELLER "WHISPERED A TELEGRAM OF GASOLINE" IN ORDER TO PAY Then, With Zapp, He Seeks Some Means to Emulate the Oil Mag- v nate in the Gentle Art of Dodging Taxes Zopp Decides That "It Don't Do No Harm That Once in a Year a Business Man Should Be Made to Tell the Truth Even if It Would Only Be on an Average of 60 Cents Truth on the Dollar" After Which the Friends Agree That the Next Person Who Says to Them, "You Should Ought to Bo Glad That You've Got an Incomo Big Enough to Pay Taxes On Would Find Out How a Man Who Could Be a Perfect Gentleman When Ho Wants to Bo Could Also Act Like a Lonfer at Times" "TT'S all been figured out, Birsky," 1 Barnett Zapp, the waist manu facturer, said as ho withdrew from his breast pocket a long brown en velope containing his income tax rc- , turn, "that G.3H1G per cent, of the people of the United States must got ''to pay income tax, and 85.90 per cent, of the remainder says to them, 'You should ought to be glad that you've got an income big enough to pay taxes on.' So I might just as well let you know right here and now, Birsky, that the next feller which says that to me vould find out how a man who could be a perfect gentleman when he wants to be could also act like a loafer at times." "Say," Louis Birsky, the real estater, protested, "I got one of them income tax returns myself for over a month now, Zapp, and I tried phe ' nacctin and I tried strong, black cof fee, and all I've filled out so far is my name and address." "Well, don't you know, 'Were you single or married with wife or hus band living with you on December 31 of the year for which this return is rendered?' " said Zapp, quoting from the blank. Birsky nodded his head despair ingly. "Mind you, Zapp, I begged that woman she should stay home and tend to the house," he declared with a bit- ter emphasis on the word begged, "but j she said it was the last chance she would got to see her sister and brother-in-law in Rochester before they moved away to San Francisco, Gott set dank, so she left here at 0 o'clock December 30, and didn't get home till January 4." "Well, put it in anyway that she was living with you on December 31," Zapp advised. "How should they know that your wife was visiting her sister in Rochester on that day?" "Listen, Zapp," Birsky said, "a real estater is got a whole lot of enemies Rainbow Membership 30,000 Counting Babies! N HURRAH FOR BABY WEEK! Mercy sakes! This is Baby Week! We do not know who selected this blustery March week as Baby Week, but we presume they did it because most of the babies arc sneezing and really need attention. We hope Children's Day will be the first Saturday in June. Now, if you have a baby doll, why not take care of her? Wipe her face off very nice and clean, comb her hair beautifully and fix it in a new t way, and if her dress is dirty, have it washed, even if the dear little thing has to stay in bed while you arc doing it. Then, of course, you must give a party to the baby doll and have all the other little dolls attend. Cambric tea is very good for baby dolls, if you do not put too much ugar in it. After you have done this, sit down and tell your editor just how it was done, so that other little mothers will know how to properly care for their baby dolls. We are not going to let the grown-ups get tho best of us, no, siree! f FARMER SMITH, Children's Editor, Evening Ledcer. Personals Mrs. Janet Thomas, Haddonfleld, and Mr two children. Martha Washington and JJry I'tckford, spent Friday afternoon at wi homo of Mrs. Susanna Kcsbler. ' Owing to tho serious Illness of lier Wingest daughter. Dolly Dimple, Mrs. Jane Daglt, of Pine street, hat postponed w tea to be held In honor of her oldest winter, Marlon Harland Dagit Mrs. Esther Miller, her twins, Barbara "eltcnle and William l'enn, and their JM, Miss Elizabeth Chase, alt of Rox "erough, are spending the week-end with "nj. tlliabeth Chambers, of Uustlcton. Ta Rt"rs: I'hyllls Edwards, of the Hotel ii ? ' Atla"Ho City, entertained at a 'unctieon and cards on Thursday In honor J..5r,lauShter Mlsa I'carl White Clara wmball Young. it,!?9 first """"ting or the Dolls' Suffrage union was held last Tuesduy In Cynwyd lw.1 me of Herada van Braara CI ray. "eminent among the speakers was Em une I'ankhurst, who tpolto long and "feu on tho advisability of allowing doll wnages on the street cars. Miss Irene lusher, South Jtli ktrect, was Zi!' Plestnut fctreet taut Thurfcday coct I, ".mi umutuve Alice ia- vw blue gcwn S1e ac'Oi-BiMnlea orr Ktu. ri-iir .vim- .,,,.,i., t.i. -. WMK US. 4A.tlllll V ntiBU TO Tin; HQYMt 1 ! i By MONTAGUE GLASS "He whispered a telegram to raise gasoline.' brokers he done out of commissions, tennnts ho dispossessed and fclJcrs which think ho stuck 'cm on certain deals, y'understand, and all of them roshoyin would be only too glad to write to the income tax people a synonymous letter mil an alias name signed to it, that my wife was in Rochester on December ill, and the consequence is to save a $10 note, I am running a chance of getting from twenty to a thousand dollars a fine. In the same way I considered should I or should I not put in under 'Line 22 total amount derived from other sources not enumerated above' the $2.50 a week on an average which I am winning in the pinochle game I am playing every Saturday night with Old Man Farkas, B. Rashkind and Weiss in the handkerchief business; and I figured to myself that some Sat urday night along about the second of March if I should shoot a king of trump through that Strohschneidcr Weiss, and he goes back on a 350 Schuppc hand by a couple of points, y'understand, he wouldn't be able to wait till Monday morning before he snitzes on me to the income tax people. For a dollar and a half more income tax I should stuntify myself! What for? Am I right or wrong?" "Then I suppose you would also put in that $75.25 which you were telling me you made last September in Trape zoid Fillum Preferred," Zapp said. Birsky turned pale. "I told you I made $75.25 in that fillum stock?" he exclaimed. "When did I told you such a thing? I'm sur 6WS an A Prize Baby Little Molly Ma j blossom was awarded first prize for bsauty in the Ilaby Welfare Know. Shd is 10 months old and weighs Just 20 pounds. During her short sojourn in this bright world baby has not known a single sick day! This Is entirely duo to the tender and faithful care of her t mall mother. Lit tie Molly won a sec ond prize for being the brightest baby in tho welfare ex hibit. She is a living example of what frc3h air, sunshine and pure milk can do to make bitter babies! Hpnor Roll Contest T1' fnUouliu riitljrru non thr irlzr for "isMr-lPT h a P'tlur"! wf "ThlucM to Know" lev I'io nrt& vn.l!ns March 4t HUH Zrrl!!u. bout i Utli i.tff I SI. -ip 1'jkziu)-, Arcli ktrrtt. 31 rcat. ""1 AtU'uMUi. toltitu. 1'u.. S3 ceuts. JaiL IS r.-j,, C'rilur "Hire, ti ctuU. .. ant (ViUIjui-, Uabtmvat. l'a., 23 JJ ln It'bthtui. IVjiiMwood. l'a.. tS dV M .11- 111 u -v Hupptotm, l'a. EVENING LEBGEBr-PHTLA-nTCT.PTTrA, SATURDAY, MARCH prised to hear you talk that way, Zapp." "What do you mean surprised to hear me talk that way?" Zapp retort ed. "When I got stung on that Inter national Chocolate and Cocoa common last September, Birsky, didn't you call me all kinds of suckers for putting my good ninety dollars into that thing, and didn't you show me a check from one of them Ganevim which call them selves brokers for $75.25?" "I showed you a check for $75.25?" Birsky cried. "That only goes to show what for a friend you are, Zapp! In the first place, the check was for $68.25, and in the second place, when I tell you something in the strictest confidence, Zapp, do you think you arc acting like a 'gentleman that you throw it up in my teeth at a time like this?" Zapp shrugged his shoulders. "For my part, Birsky, you could of made $G825," he said, "and entered it up as 'No. 32, losses actually sustained during the year incurred in trade or arising from fires, storms or ship wrecks and not compensated by in surance or otherwise.' What is it my business? And, anyhow, Birsky, if j stand, he discovered that under the the income tax people comes to you I decision of the United States Supreme and says they want to look at your Court he was presidents of 198-1 bankbook, and they sec on September companies which used to was the 15 $68.25, and they ask you did you Standard Oil Company of New Jersey, enter it on line 22 of your income tax ! y'understand, and that he got 198-1 return, and if not why not, Birsky, all salaries amounting to $35,024,380. you've rjot to do, Birsky, is to tell 50-100, understand me. He then them that the $68.25 was given to you ! figured out the income tax on it to be by a curb broker to keep it for a little j equivalence to an increase of 4 cents while for him until he wants it again, on a gallon gasoline in New York, lews A LITTLE RAINBOW MOTHER AND HER DAY iWSriifby "Speed little dreams, your winging . ijfi5gjs5!f To that land across the sea, Pi yW Where the Dinkey Bird is singing $r pllipfilP $mw $&Mk. In tho amfalu,a tr!" JgflMM "Good-morning, baby dear, but pkase stay very still, 'cause we've lota to do today 1" because sooner or later, Birsky, that's what's going to happen to your $G(?.2i". Nobody can do you nothing for telling the truth, Birsky not tvcii the in come tax people." "My wife '3 Uncle .htliun has got the laugh on all of us," Biisk said, with a sigh of envy "Fte imports imported Lnglisih briar root pipes from Gcr 1 many, and last year ho lost in his business six thoiiand dollars, lie should worry about income taxes 1'" "Say!" Zapp rejoined. "You think you are in bad. Listen for a moment what it must be to a feilcr like Charles Li Schwab or Abraham Carnegie. I bet you Mr. Carnegie started to make up his 1!)1G income tnx on July 1, 1!)02, by hiring two floors in the Singer Building and a force of a 150 certified public accountants, and prob ably right now ho is giving a thou sand dollars to a stomach specialist for a letter saying that he has got Magcnhatehwerdcn, so that ho could get a postponement under 'No. .", When the return is not filed in the vcgulnr time by rcaron of sickness an exten sion of 30 days may be granted, pro vided a written application therefor is made by the individual within the period for which such extension is de sired,' y'understand." "That's nothing," Birsky said. "Take, for instance," John D. Kockn fellar, and after his bookkeepers got through filling out 'No. 21, Total amount derived from royalties from mines, oil wells, patents, franchises or other legalized privileges,' Zapp, I wouldn't be surprised that two dozen adding machines was ruined on ac count they wasn't built to take such heavy figures like they run through them." "Well, what difference docs it make how heavy them figures was?" Zapp said. "On the other side of the page stands 'No. 35, Amount allowed to cover depiction in ease of mines and oil wells,' y'understand, and you could take it from me, Birsky, a smart business man like Roekafellar, with all the expert bookkeepers he's got, would easy fill out No. 35 in such a way that them income tnx people couldn't prove otherwise but what they owed Mr. Roekafellar $189, 1G2.53." "You're right, Zapp," Birsky said, "and, anyhow, Zapp, all he's got to do to pay his incomo tax for 1915 to 1962, inclusive, is to put up the price of gasoline a couple cents a gallon." "He done that already, Birsky," Zapp said. "In fact, Birsky, ho put it up so high that they appointed a com mittee of Congressmen to investigate it; and while they ain't reported yet, Birsky, the best evidence shows that when Mr. Roekafellar started to fill out 'No. 12, Total amount derived from salaries and wages,' y'under- of Farmer bmitli s Rainbow Club "Now I lay you down to sleep, I pray the Lord your soul to keep. U ypu should die but, ob, please, doa'tl" TO RAISE THE PRICE HIS INCOME TAX, SAYS BIRSKY ! Pennsylvania, Massachusetts and MI nols mid done bo immediately. After' ward Michigan, Ohio and New Jersey I wan added when he figured out the 1 'ncomc tax on 'No. 1(, Total amount thrived from interest on notes, tnorl- t gages, bank deposits and securities I other than reported on lines 17 and 20,' y'understand, and when ho got dowr. to 'No. 22, Total amount derived ' from other sources not enumerated 1 above,' y'understand , and the chief bookkeeper showed him the figures, understand me, after they had loosen ed his collar, fanned him and given , him smelling salts, he raised his head and, summoning all his strength, he , whispered a telegram t. uiisc gasoline 10 cents n gallon throughout the whole United States, Great Britain and Ire land, France, Germany and the West Indian Islnnds; and that's the way it happened, Birsky.'- "He's only fooling himself nt that," Birsky commented, "because in 1917, when it comes time to fix up his in come tax return ngain, he's got star ing him in the face all them profits which ho made out of gasoline in 11)1(5, and which he would got to enter up under 'No. 1 1, Total amount derived from business, trade, commerce or sales or dealings in property, whether real or personal,' y'understr.nd; and when he sees what an income tnx he's got to pay on it, Zapp, he'll kick him self that ho didn't reduce the price of gasoline instead of raising it. I tell you, Zapp, money ain't everything after all. It used to be considered that a feller with an income of $500,- r000 a year was a lucky man, but now adays when he's got to pay in addition to the regular 1 per cent, tnx a super tax of (! per cent., he leads a dawg's life, Zapp." "Well, he might just so well put n smiling face on it, Birsky, because he's got more coming to him yet," Zapp said. "Next year wo would all got to pay a State income tax as well as a Federal incomo tax." "Sure, I know," Birsky said, "and I provided for it." "Could also act like times." a loafer at "Tho uuKcttle is a-singing for baby and for me I" 's-" 11, iMG. Illustrations little cold meat "What do you mean you provided for it?" Zapp demanded. "Why, in this here State income tax," Birsky explained, "there's an exemption of $100 for each child you got, Zapp, which it don't make no dif ference if you got n child odcr an adopted child, Zapp, you get marked ofT a hundred dollars, anyhow. So I figure that if I would go to work and adopt from an orphan asylum enough children to offset my income, y'under stand, I could put 'em to work selling papers, and from the proceeds I could board 'cm and have a. surplus to ap ply on my Federal incomo tax." "It's a good idee, Birsky," Zapp agreed; "but what show docs a feller like you stand to carry it out?" "Why not?" Birsky asked. "Because you'll find that all them multimillionaires has already bought options on every orphan asylum in the United States," Zapp replied, "and if after offsetting their incomes them millionaires has got any or phans left on their hands, Birsky, you could bet your life that the very least they would hold them at would be $50 an orphan net cash." "I don't agree with you, Zapp," Birsky said. "The way incomes is taxed nowadays people don't want to make money no more. In fact, if these here income taxes keep up, Zapp, it will soon be that if you meet a feller on the subway with one of them Ai Rachmonesl looks on his face, and you say to him, 'Hallo, Max. You look like f$3S "With a EXTRA!! LION ESCAPES FROM THE TINGLETOWN ZOO! TINGLETOWN, Toyland, March 11. All Tingletown is in an uproar. Last evening, at 9 o'clock, a ferocious lion effected an escape from Six Paws Circus and made n wild dash through the Pianola Theatre. Excitement ran high. When last seen the lion was chas ing tho French doll, who was attending the performance with Charlie Chaplin, down Peppermint Candy lane. JEMIMA JANE, BELOVED By ELIZABETH ANNE. Samnntha was ver unhappy the sun beams were dancing In through the win dow and playing with the gold glints In her hair, but the sunbeam that generally danced In Samantha's heart was playing with some other little girl, and In there it was very, very dark. Her small Angers clutched a pencil. Samnntha was writing a letter! She read very slowly what she had Just writ ten: Dear Newspaperman I read in the pa pers about the llttel girl that is lonsum for a doll I have a doll. Her name Is Jemima Jane and I love her. When my mama died I hugged my dolly tite, and I guess Bhe cried, to But X have a daddy to be loved because he hasn't got a Job so I guess I mustn't have both when an uther llttel girl hasn't anny Her eyea left the page and traveled to the small white bed, where lay Jemima Jane a big tear rolled down her hot, flushed cheek. "Why, Bamantha" there at the door stood the daddy man who should have been hunting a Job "you're crying!" Then he spied the letter, he read it PARMER SMITH. EVENINO Lbdoer: I wish to become a member of your Rainbow Club. Tlease send me a beau tiful Rainbow Button free. I agree to DO A LITTLE KINDNESS EACH AND KVERY DAY SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE ALL ALONO THE AVAY; Name .. ,.,.,.... Address Age. School I attend 5 by BRIGGS from yesterday's dinner." your best customer would of failed on you,' ho will say, 'I wish he had.' 'Why what's the trouble?' you ask him, a. 1 his eyes fill with tears. 'Busi ness is terrible,' he tells you. 'Last year we made over a hundred thou sand dollars and this year it's worso yet. We got out our trial balance yesterday and it looks like we aro ahead a hundred and fifty thousand dollars.' Considering that this brings him under the 4 per cent, super tax end he's got ruin staring him in tho face, what can you say to such a feller, Zapp?" "Nothing," Zapp replied, "except ta tell him when him and his family is starving in two rooms on Forsyth street, on account they only got a hun dred and forty-four thousand dollars a year left to live on, Birsky, that your wife would call round there with; once in a while a little cold meat from yesterday's dinner or some Grade B milk for the baby." "Abcr joking aside," Birsky said, "the United States was able to pay its bills before they had an incomo tax and everybody was satisfied, whereas nowadays they don't raise no more money by it and everybody ia kicking, so what is the use of an in come tax, anyway?" "Well, I'll tell you, Birsky," Zapp said, "it don't do no harm that once ia a year a business man should be mado to tell the truth even if it would ba on an average only sixty cents truth on the dollar." SPECIAL Baby Week Number quickly, and if he brushed away a. tear Samantha did not know It. "Samantha," he cried, suddenly remem bering, " come downstairs quick!" and before she knew it down the stairs he had pulled her and there on the parlor ta ble, making dull and pale the furnishings of the homely little room, lay a gorgeous creature In silk and lace! Samantha stood open-mouthed. "Why, daddy," she exclaimed, where did." "Little daughter." he Interrupted, "daddy found a Job today, one to last, and then he saw this beautiful doll in a window and he thought maybe his little girl would like her Instead of " For a moment Samantha didn't speak; then she touched the rustly skirt with awed stiff Angers. Suddenly a beautiful light dawned In her bewildered blue eyea, "Daddy," she exclaimed, "will you will you let me?" "Let you what?" but in his heart tb daddy map knew. And so the new doll went to "the news paperman" to be sent to the little lone, some girl and Jemima Jane stayed home where she belonged with her own Sa mantha. "I Live in Carefree Land" Wont you coins and swing nsf m $ 1 I
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers