'uiiMmtnaan'T.ftgwtiL.Mwiy)!"1 w& W'Hy,w ie-v-ivw-vr-re1'
I
1
t
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f
I
ROCKEFELLER "WHISPERED A TELEGRAM
OF GASOLINE" IN ORDER TO PAY
Then, With Zapp, He
Seeks Some Means to
Emulate the Oil Mag-
v nate in the Gentle Art
of Dodging Taxes
Zopp Decides That "It Don't Do
No Harm That Once in a
Year a Business Man Should
Be Made to Tell the Truth
Even if It Would Only Be on
an Average of 60 Cents Truth
on the Dollar"
After Which the Friends Agree That
the Next Person Who Says to
Them, "You Should Ought to Bo
Glad That You've Got an Incomo
Big Enough to Pay Taxes On
Would Find Out How a Man Who
Could Be a Perfect Gentleman
When Ho Wants to Bo Could Also
Act Like a Lonfer at Times"
"TT'S all been figured out, Birsky,"
1 Barnett Zapp, the waist manu
facturer, said as ho withdrew from
his breast pocket a long brown en
velope containing his income tax rc-
, turn, "that G.3H1G per cent, of the
people of the United States must got
''to pay income tax, and 85.90 per cent,
of the remainder says to them, 'You
should ought to be glad that you've
got an income big enough to pay taxes
on.' So I might just as well let you
know right here and now, Birsky, that
the next feller which says that to me
vould find out how a man who could
be a perfect gentleman when he wants
to be could also act like a loafer at
times."
"Say," Louis Birsky, the real
estater, protested, "I got one of them
income tax returns myself for over
a month now, Zapp, and I tried phe
' nacctin and I tried strong, black cof
fee, and all I've filled out so far is my
name and address."
"Well, don't you know, 'Were you
single or married with wife or hus
band living with you on December 31
of the year for which this return is
rendered?' " said Zapp, quoting from
the blank.
Birsky nodded his head despair
ingly. "Mind you, Zapp, I begged that
woman she should stay home and tend
to the house," he declared with a bit-
ter emphasis on the word begged, "but j
she said it was the last chance she
would got to see her sister and
brother-in-law in Rochester before
they moved away to San Francisco,
Gott set dank, so she left here at 0
o'clock December 30, and didn't get
home till January 4."
"Well, put it in anyway that she
was living with you on December 31,"
Zapp advised. "How should they
know that your wife was visiting her
sister in Rochester on that day?"
"Listen, Zapp," Birsky said, "a real
estater is got a whole lot of enemies
Rainbow Membership
30,000
Counting Babies!
N
HURRAH FOR BABY WEEK!
Mercy sakes! This is Baby Week!
We do not know who selected this blustery March week as Baby Week,
but we presume they did it because most of the babies arc sneezing and really
need attention.
We hope Children's Day will be the first Saturday in June.
Now, if you have a baby doll, why not take care of her? Wipe her
face off very nice and clean, comb her hair beautifully and fix it in a new
t way, and if her dress is dirty, have it washed, even if the dear little thing
has to stay in bed while you arc doing it.
Then, of course, you must give a party to the baby doll and have all
the other little dolls attend.
Cambric tea is very good for baby dolls, if you do not put too much
ugar in it.
After you have done this, sit down and tell your editor just how it was
done, so that other little mothers will know how to properly care for their
baby dolls.
We are not going to let the grown-ups get tho best of us, no, siree!
f FARMER SMITH,
Children's Editor, Evening Ledcer.
Personals
Mrs. Janet Thomas, Haddonfleld, and
Mr two children. Martha Washington and
JJry I'tckford, spent Friday afternoon at
wi homo of Mrs. Susanna Kcsbler.
' Owing to tho serious Illness of lier
Wingest daughter. Dolly Dimple, Mrs.
Jane Daglt, of Pine street, hat postponed
w tea to be held In honor of her oldest
winter, Marlon Harland Dagit
Mrs. Esther Miller, her twins, Barbara
"eltcnle and William l'enn, and their
JM, Miss Elizabeth Chase, alt of Rox
"erough, are spending the week-end with
"nj. tlliabeth Chambers, of Uustlcton. Ta
Rt"rs: I'hyllls Edwards, of the Hotel
ii ? ' Atla"Ho City, entertained at a
'unctieon and cards on Thursday In honor
J..5r,lauShter Mlsa I'carl White Clara
wmball Young.
it,!?9 first """"ting or the Dolls' Suffrage
union was held last Tuesduy In Cynwyd
lw.1 me of Herada van Braara CI ray.
"eminent among the speakers was Em
une I'ankhurst, who tpolto long and
"feu on tho advisability of allowing doll
wnages on the street cars.
Miss Irene lusher, South Jtli ktrect, was
Zi!' Plestnut fctreet taut Thurfcday
coct I, ".mi umutuve Alice ia-
vw blue gcwn S1e ac'Oi-BiMnlea
orr Ktu. ri-iir .vim- .,,,.,i., t.i.
-. WMK US. 4A.tlllll
V ntiBU TO Tin; HQYMt
1 !
i
By MONTAGUE GLASS
"He whispered a telegram to raise gasoline.'
brokers he done out of commissions,
tennnts ho dispossessed and fclJcrs
which think ho stuck 'cm on certain
deals, y'understand, and all of them
roshoyin would be only too glad to
write to the income tax people a
synonymous letter mil an alias name
signed to it, that my wife was in
Rochester on December ill, and the
consequence is to save a $10 note, I
am running a chance of getting from
twenty to a thousand dollars a fine.
In the same way I considered should
I or should I not put in under 'Line
22 total amount derived from other
sources not enumerated above' the
$2.50 a week on an average which I
am winning in the pinochle game I
am playing every Saturday night with
Old Man Farkas, B. Rashkind and
Weiss in the handkerchief business;
and I figured to myself that some Sat
urday night along about the second
of March if I should shoot a king of
trump through that Strohschneidcr
Weiss, and he goes back on a 350
Schuppc hand by a couple of points,
y'understand, he wouldn't be able to
wait till Monday morning before he
snitzes on me to the income tax people.
For a dollar and a half more income
tax I should stuntify myself! What
for? Am I right or wrong?"
"Then I suppose you would also put
in that $75.25 which you were telling
me you made last September in Trape
zoid Fillum Preferred," Zapp said.
Birsky turned pale.
"I told you I made $75.25 in that
fillum stock?" he exclaimed. "When
did I told you such a thing? I'm sur
6WS an
A Prize Baby
Little Molly Ma j blossom was awarded
first prize for bsauty in the Ilaby Welfare
Know. Shd is 10 months old and weighs
Just 20 pounds.
During her short
sojourn in this
bright world baby
has not known a
single sick day! This
Is entirely duo to
the tender and
faithful care of her
t mall mother. Lit
tie Molly won a sec
ond prize for being
the brightest baby
in tho welfare ex
hibit. She is a living
example of what
frc3h air, sunshine
and pure milk can
do to make bitter babies!
Hpnor Roll Contest
T1' fnUouliu riitljrru non thr irlzr for
"isMr-lPT h a P'tlur"! wf "ThlucM to
Know" lev I'io nrt& vn.l!ns March 4t
HUH Zrrl!!u. bout i Utli i.tff I SI.
-ip 1'jkziu)-, Arcli ktrrtt. 31 rcat.
""1 AtU'uMUi. toltitu. 1'u.. S3 ceuts.
JaiL IS r.-j,, C'rilur "Hire, ti ctuU.
.. ant (ViUIjui-, Uabtmvat. l'a., 23
JJ ln It'bthtui. IVjiiMwood. l'a.. tS
dV
M .11- 111 u -v
Hupptotm, l'a.
EVENING LEBGEBr-PHTLA-nTCT.PTTrA, SATURDAY, MARCH
prised to hear you talk that way,
Zapp."
"What do you mean surprised to
hear me talk that way?" Zapp retort
ed. "When I got stung on that Inter
national Chocolate and Cocoa common
last September, Birsky, didn't you call
me all kinds of suckers for putting my
good ninety dollars into that thing,
and didn't you show me a check from
one of them Ganevim which call them
selves brokers for $75.25?"
"I showed you a check for $75.25?"
Birsky cried. "That only goes to show
what for a friend you are, Zapp! In
the first place, the check was for
$68.25, and in the second place, when
I tell you something in the strictest
confidence, Zapp, do you think you arc
acting like a 'gentleman that you
throw it up in my teeth at a time like
this?"
Zapp shrugged his shoulders.
"For my part, Birsky, you could of
made $G825," he said, "and entered it
up as 'No. 32, losses actually sustained
during the year incurred in trade or
arising from fires, storms or ship
wrecks and not compensated by in
surance or otherwise.' What is it my
business? And, anyhow, Birsky, if j stand, he discovered that under the
the income tax people comes to you I decision of the United States Supreme
and says they want to look at your Court he was presidents of 198-1
bankbook, and they sec on September companies which used to was the
15 $68.25, and they ask you did you Standard Oil Company of New Jersey,
enter it on line 22 of your income tax ! y'understand, and that he got 198-1
return, and if not why not, Birsky, all salaries amounting to $35,024,380.
you've rjot to do, Birsky, is to tell 50-100, understand me. He then
them that the $68.25 was given to you ! figured out the income tax on it to be
by a curb broker to keep it for a little j equivalence to an increase of 4 cents
while for him until he wants it again, on a gallon gasoline in New York,
lews
A LITTLE RAINBOW MOTHER AND HER DAY
iWSriifby "Speed little dreams, your winging .
ijfi5gjs5!f To that land across the sea, Pi
yW Where the Dinkey Bird is singing $r pllipfilP
$mw $&Mk. In tho amfalu,a tr!" JgflMM
"Good-morning, baby dear, but
pkase stay very still, 'cause
we've lota to do today 1"
because sooner or later, Birsky, that's
what's going to happen to your $G(?.2i".
Nobody can do you nothing for telling
the truth, Birsky not tvcii the in
come tax people."
"My wife '3 Uncle .htliun has got the
laugh on all of us," Biisk said, with a
sigh of envy
"Fte imports imported
Lnglisih briar root pipes from Gcr
1 many, and last year ho lost in his
business six thoiiand dollars, lie
should worry about income taxes 1'"
"Say!" Zapp rejoined. "You think
you are in bad. Listen for a moment
what it must be to a feilcr like Charles
Li Schwab or Abraham Carnegie. I
bet you Mr. Carnegie started to make
up his 1!)1G income tnx on July 1,
1!)02, by hiring two floors in the
Singer Building and a force of a 150
certified public accountants, and prob
ably right now ho is giving a thou
sand dollars to a stomach specialist
for a letter saying that he has got
Magcnhatehwerdcn, so that ho could
get a postponement under 'No. .", When
the return is not filed in the vcgulnr
time by rcaron of sickness an exten
sion of 30 days may be granted, pro
vided a written application therefor is
made by the individual within the
period for which such extension is de
sired,' y'understand."
"That's nothing," Birsky said.
"Take, for instance," John D. Kockn
fellar, and after his bookkeepers got
through filling out 'No. 21, Total
amount derived from royalties from
mines, oil wells, patents, franchises or
other legalized privileges,' Zapp, I
wouldn't be surprised that two dozen
adding machines was ruined on ac
count they wasn't built to take such
heavy figures like they run through
them."
"Well, what difference docs it make
how heavy them figures was?" Zapp
said. "On the other side of the page
stands 'No. 35, Amount allowed to
cover depiction in ease of mines and
oil wells,' y'understand, and you
could take it from me, Birsky, a smart
business man like Roekafellar, with
all the expert bookkeepers he's got,
would easy fill out No. 35 in such a
way that them income tnx people
couldn't prove otherwise but what
they owed Mr. Roekafellar $189,
1G2.53." "You're right, Zapp," Birsky said,
"and, anyhow, Zapp, all he's got to do
to pay his incomo tax for 1915 to
1962, inclusive, is to put up the price
of gasoline a couple cents a gallon."
"He done that already, Birsky,"
Zapp said. "In fact, Birsky, ho put it
up so high that they appointed a com
mittee of Congressmen to investigate
it; and while they ain't reported yet,
Birsky, the best evidence shows that
when Mr. Roekafellar started to fill
out 'No. 12, Total amount derived
from salaries and wages,' y'under-
of Farmer bmitli s Rainbow Club
"Now I lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord your soul to keep.
U ypu should die but, ob, please, doa'tl"
TO RAISE THE PRICE
HIS INCOME TAX, SAYS BIRSKY
! Pennsylvania, Massachusetts and MI
nols mid done bo immediately. After'
ward Michigan, Ohio and New Jersey I
wan added when he figured out the 1
'ncomc tax on 'No. 1(, Total amount
thrived from interest on notes, tnorl- t
gages, bank deposits and securities
I other than reported on lines 17 and
20,' y'understand, and when ho got
dowr. to 'No. 22, Total amount derived '
from other sources not enumerated 1
above,' y'understand , and the chief
bookkeeper showed him the figures,
understand me, after they had loosen
ed his collar, fanned him and given ,
him smelling salts, he raised his head
and, summoning all his strength, he ,
whispered a telegram t. uiisc gasoline
10 cents n gallon throughout the whole
United States, Great Britain and Ire
land, France, Germany and the West
Indian Islnnds; and that's the way it
happened, Birsky.'-
"He's only fooling himself nt that,"
Birsky commented, "because in 1917,
when it comes time to fix up his in
come tax return ngain, he's got star
ing him in the face all them profits
which ho made out of gasoline in 11)1(5,
and which he would got to enter up
under 'No. 1 1, Total amount derived
from business, trade, commerce or
sales or dealings in property, whether
real or personal,' y'understr.nd; and
when he sees what an income tnx he's
got to pay on it, Zapp, he'll kick him
self that ho didn't reduce the price
of gasoline instead of raising it. I
tell you, Zapp, money ain't everything
after all. It used to be considered
that a feller with an income of $500,-
r000 a year was a lucky man, but now
adays when he's got to pay in addition
to the regular 1 per cent, tnx a super
tax of (! per cent., he leads a dawg's
life, Zapp."
"Well, he might just so well put n
smiling face on it, Birsky, because he's
got more coming to him yet," Zapp
said. "Next year wo would all got to
pay a State income tax as well as a
Federal incomo tax."
"Sure, I know," Birsky said, "and I
provided for it."
"Could also
act like
times."
a loafer at
"Tho uuKcttle is
a-singing for baby
and for me I"
's-"
11, iMG.
Illustrations
little cold meat
"What do you mean you provided
for it?" Zapp demanded.
"Why, in this here State income
tax," Birsky explained, "there's an
exemption of $100 for each child you
got, Zapp, which it don't make no dif
ference if you got n child odcr an
adopted child, Zapp, you get marked
ofT a hundred dollars, anyhow. So I
figure that if I would go to work and
adopt from an orphan asylum enough
children to offset my income, y'under
stand, I could put 'em to work selling
papers, and from the proceeds I could
board 'cm and have a. surplus to ap
ply on my Federal incomo tax."
"It's a good idee, Birsky," Zapp
agreed; "but what show docs a feller
like you stand to carry it out?"
"Why not?" Birsky asked.
"Because you'll find that all them
multimillionaires has already bought
options on every orphan asylum in
the United States," Zapp replied,
"and if after offsetting their incomes
them millionaires has got any or
phans left on their hands, Birsky, you
could bet your life that the very least
they would hold them at would be $50
an orphan net cash."
"I don't agree with you, Zapp,"
Birsky said. "The way incomes is
taxed nowadays people don't want to
make money no more. In fact, if these
here income taxes keep up, Zapp, it
will soon be that if you meet a feller
on the subway with one of them Ai
Rachmonesl looks on his face, and you
say to him, 'Hallo, Max. You look like
f$3S
"With a
EXTRA!!
LION ESCAPES FROM THE TINGLETOWN ZOO!
TINGLETOWN, Toyland, March 11. All Tingletown is in an
uproar. Last evening, at 9 o'clock, a ferocious lion effected an escape
from Six Paws Circus and made n wild dash through the Pianola
Theatre. Excitement ran high. When last seen the lion was chas
ing tho French doll, who was attending the performance with
Charlie Chaplin, down Peppermint Candy lane.
JEMIMA JANE, BELOVED
By ELIZABETH ANNE.
Samnntha was ver unhappy the sun
beams were dancing In through the win
dow and playing with the gold glints In
her hair, but the sunbeam that generally
danced In Samantha's heart was playing
with some other little girl, and In there it
was very, very dark.
Her small Angers clutched a pencil.
Samnntha was writing a letter! She
read very slowly what she had Just writ
ten: Dear Newspaperman I read in the pa
pers about the llttel girl that is lonsum
for a doll I have a doll. Her name Is
Jemima Jane and I love her. When my
mama died I hugged my dolly tite, and I
guess Bhe cried, to But X have a daddy
to be loved because he hasn't got a Job
so I guess I mustn't have both when an
uther llttel girl hasn't anny
Her eyea left the page and traveled to
the small white bed, where lay Jemima
Jane a big tear rolled down her hot,
flushed cheek.
"Why, Bamantha" there at the door
stood the daddy man who should have
been hunting a Job "you're crying!"
Then he spied the letter, he read it
PARMER SMITH.
EVENINO Lbdoer:
I wish to become a member of your
Rainbow Club. Tlease send me a beau
tiful Rainbow Button free. I agree
to DO A LITTLE KINDNESS EACH
AND KVERY DAY SPREAD A
LITTLE SUNSHINE ALL ALONO
THE AVAY;
Name .. ,.,.,....
Address
Age.
School I attend
5
by BRIGGS
from yesterday's dinner."
your best customer would of failed on
you,' ho will say, 'I wish he had.'
'Why what's the trouble?' you ask
him, a. 1 his eyes fill with tears. 'Busi
ness is terrible,' he tells you. 'Last
year we made over a hundred thou
sand dollars and this year it's worso
yet. We got out our trial balance
yesterday and it looks like we aro
ahead a hundred and fifty thousand
dollars.' Considering that this brings
him under the 4 per cent, super tax
end he's got ruin staring him in tho
face, what can you say to such a
feller, Zapp?"
"Nothing," Zapp replied, "except ta
tell him when him and his family is
starving in two rooms on Forsyth
street, on account they only got a hun
dred and forty-four thousand dollars
a year left to live on, Birsky, that
your wife would call round there with;
once in a while a little cold meat from
yesterday's dinner or some Grade B
milk for the baby."
"Abcr joking aside," Birsky said,
"the United States was able to pay
its bills before they had an incomo
tax and everybody was satisfied,
whereas nowadays they don't raise no
more money by it and everybody ia
kicking, so what is the use of an in
come tax, anyway?"
"Well, I'll tell you, Birsky," Zapp
said, "it don't do no harm that once ia
a year a business man should be mado
to tell the truth even if it would ba
on an average only sixty cents truth
on the dollar."
SPECIAL
Baby Week
Number
quickly, and if he brushed away a. tear
Samantha did not know It.
"Samantha," he cried, suddenly remem
bering, " come downstairs quick!" and
before she knew it down the stairs he had
pulled her and there on the parlor ta
ble, making dull and pale the furnishings
of the homely little room, lay a gorgeous
creature In silk and lace!
Samantha stood open-mouthed. "Why,
daddy," she exclaimed, where did."
"Little daughter." he Interrupted,
"daddy found a Job today, one to last,
and then he saw this beautiful doll in a
window and he thought maybe his little
girl would like her Instead of "
For a moment Samantha didn't speak;
then she touched the rustly skirt with
awed stiff Angers. Suddenly a beautiful
light dawned In her bewildered blue eyea,
"Daddy," she exclaimed, "will you
will you let me?"
"Let you what?" but in his heart tb
daddy map knew.
And so the new doll went to "the news
paperman" to be sent to the little lone,
some girl and Jemima Jane stayed home
where she belonged with her own Sa
mantha. "I Live in Carefree Land"
Wont you coins and swing nsf
m
$
1
I