®be American Volunteer. PUBLISHED,EVERY THURSDAY HORNING BY •' BEATTON & KJENTSTEDY, OFFICE--SOUTM MARKET SQUARE. Terms Two Dollars per year if paid strictly In advance; Two Dollars and Fifty Cents If paid within threo months; oiler which Throo Dollars will bo charged. These terms will he rigidly ad hered to in every instance. No, subscription dis continued until all arrearages are paid, unless at t ho option of the Editor. DhofessUmal ffiarfcss. T M WEAKLEY, Attorney at Law. Pj # OOlco on South Hanover street, in the room formerly occupied by A, B. Sharpe. Esq.. rn E. BELTZHOOVEB, Attorney Jj Counselor at Law, Carlisle, Ponna. Office on South Hanover street, opposite Bcntz’s Store. By special arrangement with the Patent Office, attends to securing Patent Rights. Deo. 1,1805. CHAS. B. MAGLAUGHLIN, Attor ney at Law. Office in Building formerly occupied by Volunteer, a few doors South of Han non's Hotel. Dec. 1,1805.; TOHN. 0. GRAHAM, Attorney at • I Law. Office formerly occupied by Judge Graham, South Hanover street, Carlisle, Penno. Deo. I, lSft r >—ly. . MO. HERMAN, ATTOKNEY at Law. 4 Ofllco In Rhcem's Hall Building, In the rear of the Court House, next door to the f* Her ald" Ofllco, Carlisle, Pcnna. Deo. 1, 1605. , , XXT P. SADLER, Attorney at Law, YV • Carlisle,'Ponna. Ofllco In Building for jnorly occupied by Volunteer, South Hanover street. Doc. 1, 1885. \\r KENNEDY ATTORNEY AT Law, YV • Carlisle. Ponna. Office same as thatol the volunteer,”South side of the Pub lic Square. Doc. 1 1805. JOHN LEE, Attorney at Law, North Hanover Street, Carlisle, Pa., Feb, 16,1866— ly. TAMES A. DUNBAR, Attorney at • I Law. Carlisle, Pennn. Ofllco a few doors west of Hannon’s Hotel. Deo. 1,1805. DR. J. R. BIXLER offers bia profes sional services to the citizens of Carlisle and Main street, opposite the Jail, in the room lately occupied by L. Todd, Esq. April 11,1807—1 y BE. GEORGE 8. SEARIGHT, Den tist. From the Baltimore College of Dental cry. Ofllco at the residence of his mother, East Louther;strcot, three doors below Bedford, Carlisle, Penna. Deo. 1, 1865. HAVID F. MILLER, [SURVEYOR AND DRAFTSMAN, MOUNT ROOK, CUMBERLAND CO., PA. Aprll.lB,lB67—Bm* 30*8 OodSS. 1867. BPEING! 1867. BAR GAINS Now opening in DOMESTIC GOODS, DRESS GOODS, OASSIMEBES, BATTXNETTS AND J BANS, WHITE GOODS , DRESS TRIMMINGS. ZEPHYRS, RIBBONS AND NOTIONS KING’S NEW STORE, NO, 55 WEST MAIN STREET, Opposite the Mansion House, Next door to the Post Office, Carlisle. April 18,1807. OUT DRY GOODS MEN! TO THE PUBLIC. I have Just returned from • the'East with my Spring Stock, and as usual. 1 am selling Goods a little cheaper than any other Dry Goods House In town. Ido not think It necessary to occupy a column of newspaper to endeavor to keep up my reputation for selling Cheap Goods, nor do I wish to resort to any other clop-trap to gall the public, All I ask of them is to call and examine for themselves, and It not satisfied with the pri ces, not to buy. Remember the stand. No. 83 North Hanover street, next door to Dr. Kiefler's, and MUlor & Bowers* Hardware store. WM. A. MILES. P. S. I will say nothing about my third and fourth grand openings. April 18,1807. 028 HOOP SKIRTS. 628. NEW SPRING STYLES* “OUR OWN MAKE;” embracing every New and Desirable size, style and Shape of Plain and Troll Hoop Skirts,—3, 2 1-4,214,2 8-4,8 1-4,8 1-2.8 8-4 and 4 Yds., round every length and size Waist; In every, respect Fitst Quality, and especially adapted to meet the wants of First Class and most fashionable Trade; “ Oar Own Moke,” of Hoop Skirts, are lighter, more elastic, more durable, and really ouaper than any other make of either Single or Double Spring Skirt in the American Market. They are Warranted in every respect, and wherever intro duced give universal satisfaction; They are now being extensively Sold by Retailers, and every Lady should try them. Ask lor “Hopkin’s Own Make,” and see that each Skirt la Stamped *• W. T. HOPKINIB MANU FACTURER, 028 Arch Street, Philadelphia.”— No others ore Genuine A Catalogue containing Style. Size and ReUUI Prlces, seat to any address. A uniform and Liberal Discouutailowed to Deal ers. Orders by mail or otherwise, promptly and carefully filled—Wholesale and Retail, at Manu factory and Salesrooms. No. (J2B ARCH Street. PHILADELPHIA. Skirts made to order, altered and repaired. Terms, Net Gash, One Price Only- WILLIAM T. HOPKINS. April 18,16G7—10m. Q.REAT WATCH SALE! 2000 WATCHES, Patent Lever Movements, full Jewelled, Hunting Cases, Sterling sliver. Beauti fully Engraved and in every respect first class Timers. To be sold at six dollars each, being less than three-fourths the cost of manufacturing.— These watches are retailed by Jewelers at from slstos< 8, the actual cost to the manufacturer being $0 each. This stock of watches was purchased at a Bankrupt Sale in London, and are now offered at Buch extremely low figures, that all may possess a correct Time-keeper at a merely nominal sum. Every watch warranted for 2 years. Parties or dering them sent by mall, most enclose SO cents extra/to repay postage. Money enclosed in a well scaled letter may he sent at my risk. Address all orders to MARLIN CONNOR, May 10,1807—1 y • Albany, N. Y WHISKER AND M OUST A CHE A BEAUTIFUL PAIR OP FALSE MOUS TACHES AND WHIKSERS, of French monufac- < two, so perleot they cannot be detected from the-' genuine, will be sent post-paid by mall to any ad dress. Great attention is paid in the manufac ture of these articles by 1 one of Che best artiste in forls, M. L.FOUCHB, who is the best nmfmfoo turer in Europe. Moustaches, $1.00; Side Whls kcra, {3.00; FulUleord. {5.00. , • , Address, H. DORR/ ALBANY, N. ,„ sole Agent for the United States. May 10,1857 ly ■ E .Conrman. ' Dn. c. M. WonxHntQrorr. DRUG ST’ORE. The subscribers have opened a now DRUG AND CHEMICAL STORE, Mo. 7, Mast Main Street, Carlisle, where they have Just received a largo and fresh supply of the very best.; . - „ ■ DRUGS . AND MEDICINES bo found in the City Markets, to which they invite the attention of the public. Also, a large variety of PERFUMERY AND FANCY ARTICLES, ■Dye Stuffs, and aU tftc various Patent Medicines* AU Drugs and Medicines warranted pore.. 43F* Prescriptions carefully compounded. _ _ . „ , GOHNMAN A WORTHINGTON. Apm 25,1837-em fir BY BRATTON & KENNEDY. 9£eal ©state. ESTATE FOR SALEJ! W. J. SHEARER, ATTORNEY AT LAW, AND AGENT FOR THE SALE OF Cumberland Co. Real Estate, OFFERS THE FOLLOWING VALUABLE REAL ESTATE FOR SALE ; AT REASONABLE PRICES IN THU BOROUGH OF CARLISLE. ... iUO J.UIUJVUXI u, UIllVLIOl.1!,. No. 1. SIX of the finest BUILDING LOTS in the 1 Borough, on South Hanover Street. No. 2 The six moat elevated BUILDING LOTS in the Borough, situated at tbo head of South St. IN THE COUNTRY. No. 3. A TRACT OP THIRTY-SIX ACRES, with small but comfortable BRICK DWELLING .HOUSE, Frame Stable, Ac., and a young and thrivingOrobard.ot CHOICE FRUIT, situate on the RalErond. in North Middleton twp„ West, and within a mile of the Borough of Carlisle. This property as a HOMESTEAD and for general or Truck Farming, Is the most desirable tract of its size to be found anywhere in the vicinity of Carlisle. The certain extension of the town West ward, partly consequent upon the Improve ments mode and contemplated by the Railroad Company in that direction, drawing, as they necessarily will, nearly the whole trade of the . town to that end. will very greatly enhance the value of this land to the future owner, for any purpose whatever, rendering it a safe and profit able investment. Fob. 28, 1860. &c. B. E W I N G, CABINET MAKER AND UNDERTAKER, WEST MAIN STREET, CARLISLE, PENN* A. A Spl/NFDID Assoktjienx of NEW FURNITURE for the Holidays, comprising Sofas, Camp Stools, Lounges, Centro, Tables, ! Rocking Chairs, Dining Tables, Easy Chairs, Card Tables, Reception Chairs, - Ottomans, Bureaus, What-Nots, Secretaries, «tc., <tc., Parlor, Chamber, Dining Room, Kitchen FURNITURE, of the Latest Styles. COTTAGE FURNITURE IN SETTS, Splendid Now Patterns. BEDSTEADS AND MATTRESSES, GILT FRAMES AND PICTURES, in great variety. Particular attention given to Funerals. Orders from town and country attended to promptly and on reasonable terms. Deo. 43,1866—tf Q ABINET WARE HOUSE TOWN.AND COUNTRY. Tho subscriber respectfully informs bis friends and the public generally, that ho still continues the Undertaking business, and is ready to wait upuu customers either by day or by night. Ready mode Coffins kept constantly on band, both plain and ornamental. Ho bos constantly on hand Fisk's Patent Metalio Buriat Case, of which* 'be bos been appointed the sole agent. This cose is recommended as superior to any of the kind now in use. it being perfectly air tight. 1 He has also furnished himself with a new Rose* wood Hearse and gentle horses, with which he will attend funerals in town and country, per* sonally, without extra charge. Among the greatest discoveries of the age is ■ Well's Spring Maitrass, the best and cheapest bed 1 now in use, the exclusive right of which 1 have secured, and will be kept constantly on hand. CABINET MAKING, In all its various branches, carried on, and Beau reaus. Secretaries, Work-stands, Parlor Wore, Upholstered Chairs, Sofas, Pier, Side and Centre Tables, Dining and Breakfast Tables, Wash stands of all kinds. French Bedsteads, high* and low posts: Jenny Lind and Cottage Bedsteads, Chaus of all kinds, Looking Glasses, and all other articles usually manufactured in this lino of business, kept constantly on hand. ; ttir workmen are men of experience, his ma terial the best, and his work made in the latest ,olty style, and all under his own supervision. It jWill be warranted and sold low for cash. . He Invites oil to give him a coll before purchas ing elsewhere. For the liberal patronage here toßre extended to him he feels Indebted to his numerous customers, and assures them that no .efforts will bo spared In future to please them in style and price. Give us a call. ; Remember the place, North Hanover street, 'nearly opposite the Deposit Bank, Carlisle. * 3 * , Aavid SIPE.) » Dec. 1.1805. j pj O L X D AY AND i WEDDING PRESENTS! : ' A Fine Lot of ! GOLD, AMERICAN, i SILVER, AND IMPORTED WATCHES, A Splendid Assortment of SOLID AND PLATED SILVER WARE, Gold Rem, Gold Chaim, Fancy Goods , dc. Fink Setts of KNIVES AND FORKS, CLOCKS IN GREAT VARIETY, GOLD RINGS, GOLD AND SILVER THIMBLES. Particular attention given to repairing WATCHES, CLOCKS AND JEWELRY. THOS. CONLYN, Agt No. 11 West Main St., opposite Marlon Hall. Deo. 20,1806—6 m P I P E-R 1 S BOOK AND FANCY STOBE, AND GENERAL NEWS DEPOT, 33 WEST, MAIN STREET, CARLISLE, PA. A fine assortment of Goods on band, such ds Writing Desks, Port Folios, Ladles Companions, Work Boxes, Satchels. • Ladies’ Parses, Pocket Books, . Scgar Coses, Card Cases, Gold Pens, ♦ Fen Knives, &o„ <£c A LARGE SUPPLY OF FAMILY BIBLES and PHOTOGRAPHIC ALBUMS, —.-- AT. REDUCED . PRICES. . . DIARIES FOB 1867. Subscriptions received for all Magazines, Fash ion Books. Papers, <tc., at publishers prices. You save postage and always sure of receiving your Magazines by subscribing ut Piper’s. Special (attention Is paid to keeping always on hand a supply of SCHOOL BOOKS, for town and country schools. Books and Music ordered when desired. May 23,1887-tf JpHOTOGRAPHS FOB THE MILLION! I will send, post-paid, 60 Photographs of the most celebrated Actors for 60 cents; 60 Actresses for 60 cento: 60 Union Generals for 60 cents; 60 Rebel Generals for 60 cents; 50 Statesmen for 50 cents; 60 beautiful young Ladles for 50 cento; 60 fine-looking young Gentlemen for 60 cento; 6 largo Photographs of French Dancing Girls, in costume, beautifully colored, exactly as they ap pear, for 60 cents; or for 60 cents, oofthe most beautiful Ladles of the Parisian Ballet Troupe, as they appear In the play of the Black Crook, at Nibio’a Garden, Now York. • • 1 _ Send all orders to F. O. Box IT7, Troy, N. T May is, 1807— ly Insurance Companies. /TREAT EASTERN DETECTIVE HORSE AND LIVE STOCK INSURANCE CO. OF PENNSYLVANIA HORSES, MULES, A'GAINST LOSS BY THEFT, AMD DEATH BY FIRE, ACCIDENT OR NATURAL CAUSES. • Tills Is the only Detective Live Stock Insurance Company In the Stale; and, moreover, it Covers All Risks, while others Insure only against cer tain circumstances. • SAM’L K. HUMRIOH, Special Agent, Office 20 West Main St,, Carlisle. SAiti’i. Hoover, Local Agent, Mochanlcsburg, Pa.; J. A. 0. McCune, Local Agent. Shlpponsburg, Pa. May 30,1867—6 m Hartford live stock insu rance company. CAPITAL $500,000. Horses Insured against death from any cause, or against theft. Working Oxen, Cows and Sheep may bo taken at 8 to 4 per cent on two thirds their cosh value. Losses promptly adjusted at tho Ofllco of the Car lisle Agency. BAM’LK. HUMRIOH, Special Agent, Office No: 26 West High St., Carlisle. March 14,1867—1 y tURE INSURANCE. . "Tile ALLEN AND EAST PENNSBORO’ MU TUAL FIRE INSURANCE COMPANY, of Cum bcsland county, Incorporated by an act of As* sembly, in the year 1813, and having recently hod its charter extended to tho year 1883, is now in active and vigorous operation under the super intendence of tho following Board of Managers:' Wm. B. Gorgas, Christian Blayman, Jacob Eb* erly, Daniel Bailey, Alexander Cathcart. Jacob H. Coover, John Eloholborgor, Joseph Wicker rs, Samuel Eberly. Rudolph Martin, Moses Brlckor. Jacob Coover and J. C, Dunlap. ' Tho rates of insurance are os low and favorable as any Company of the kind in the State. Per sons wishing to become members are invited to make application to the agents of the Company, who are willing to wait upon them at anytime. Presidents-W. B.GOPGAS, Eberly's Mills, Cum berland County. Vico president—Cram tan Stayman, Carlisle, Secretary— John O. Dunlap, Mechanlcsburg. Treasurer— Daniel B alley, Dillsburg, York Co. and Ofllco Cumberland Cbuniy—Jotiu Shorrlck, Allen; Hen ry Zearlng, Shlremanstown; Lafayette Pefler, Dickinson; Henry Bowman, Churchtown; Mode .Griffith,South Middleton; Samuel Graham W. Pennsboro’; Samuel Coover, Mechanlcsburg;*]. W. Cookiin, Bhepherdstowu; D. Coover, Uppei Allen: J. O. Saxton. Silver Spring; John layer, Carlisle: ValentinePeeman,New Cumberland: James McCandlish, Nowviiio. York Vounty—W, 8. Picking, Dover; James Griffith. Warrington; T. F, DeardorflT, washing, ton; Richey Clark, Duisburg; D. Rutter, Fair view ; John Williams, Carroll. Dauphin County— Jacob Houser, JJarrlsburg. ' Members of the Company having policies about to expire, can have them reuewed by making ap plication to any of the agents. Deo. I 1805 JL)E MAGNOLIA I prettiest thing, tho “ sweetest thing,” and mo most of it for the least money. It overcomes tno odor of perspiration; soituusand adds delica cy to the skin; is a douguiim perfume; allays noudueno and milamuiauun, and. is a necessary companion in the sick-room, in the nursery, and upon the toilet.sideboard, it cun be obtained everywhere m one dollar per bottle. Saratoga spring Water, sold by all Druggists S. T.—lB6o.—X.—The amount of Plantation Bit ters sold in one year Is something startling. They would fill Broadway six feet high, from tue Pork to 4in street. Drake's mimuiactory is one of the institutions of Now fork, it is said that Drake painted oil tho rooks in. the Eastern states with ms oabaiistio “S. T.—lew.—X,” and then got the old granny legislators Co pass a law “ preventing disfiguring the lace of nature," which gives bun a monopoly. We do nut know how tuts Is, hut wo do know tho Plantation Ritters bell us jio other article ever did. They are used by all clas ses of the Community, aud are death on Dyspep sm—certain. They .are very invigorating when languid and weak, and a great appetizer. Saratoga Spuing Water, sold uy ail Druggists. “In lifting the kettle from the fire I scalded myself very severely—one hand almost to a crisp. The torture was unbearable. • • ♦ The MeXi can Mustang Liniment relieved tho pain almost immediately." CHAS. FOSTER, 420 Brood st., Philo. This is merely a sample of wnut tho Mustang Liniment will do. It is invaluable in all coses ut wounds, swellings, sprains, cuts, bruises, spavins, etc., either upon man or beast. Beware of counterfeits. None Is genuine unless wrapped in fine steel-plate engravings, bcarmd the signature of G. W. Westbrook, Uuemist, and the private stamp of Delias Bails es & Co., New Saratoga Spuing sold by all Druggists All who value a beautiful head of hair, and Its B reservation from premature baldness and turn ig gray will not fall to use Lyon's celebrated Kathuiron. It makes the hair rich, soffc and glossy, eradicates dandruff, and causes the hair to grow with luxuriant beauty*, It is sold every where. - ■ E. THOMAS LYON. Chemist,- N. Y. Saratoga Spring Water, sold by all Druggists What Did It.—A young lady, returning to her country home after a sojourn of a.few months in New York, was hardly recognized by her friends. In place or a rustic, flushed face, she had a soft, ruby complexion, or almost marble smoothness; and instead of 22, she really appeared but 17. She told them plainly she used Hagan’s Magnolia Balm, and would not be without it. Any lady cun improve her personal appearance very much by using this article. It can be ordered of any druggist for only 6u cents. Saratoga Spuing Water, sold by all Druggists. Hoimstreot’s Inimitable Hair Colorlughas been steadily growing in favor for over twenty years. It acta upon, the absorbents at the roots, pf the hair, and changes it to its original color by de grees. AU Instantaneous dyes deaden ondlniuro the hair. Helmstreot’s i* no<d.4i/?>.bqt In Its results, promote Ua growth, nnd,te n, beau*, tlful Hair Dressing, Price 50 cents and si,w. Sold by'all dealers. Saratoga Spring Water, sold by all Druggists* Lvou's Extract op Pure Jamaica Ginger— for indigestion, Nausea,Heartbnrn, Blok Head-, ache. Cholera Morbud, &©., where a warming, genial stimulant-is required. Its careful prepa ration and entire purity zfiake.lt a cheap and re liable article fbr culinary purposes. Sold every where, nt 60 cents per bottle. • -_J , / Saratoga. Spring Water, sold by aU Druggists. For. sale at HaVerstlck and Balaton's Drug Stores, Carlisle. i July 6,lBoo—eow ly. INSURES CATTLE, " AND SHEEP. AGENTS, iUftcUical. CARLISLE, PA., T 1 IfarilkaL AN OLD MAN’S DREAM. Oh, for one hour of youthful Joy! Give back ray t wcntloth spring I I'd rather laugh a bright-haired hoy Than reign a gray-halred king. • Off with the wrinkled spoils of ago; Away with learning’s crown; Tear outllfo’s wisdom-written page, And dash Us trophies down. One moment let my life-blood stream From boyhood’s fount of flame! Give mo one giddy, reeling dream Of life, all love and fame ( My listening angel heard the prayer, And calmly smiling said, •* If I but touch thy silvered hair, . Thy hasty wish had sped. " But Is thoro nothing in my track To bid thee fondly stay, While the swift seasons hurry back To find sho wished for day 7” Ah, truest soul of'wbmnn kind I .Without thee what were life ? One bliss I cannot leave behind— I’ll take—my precious wife! Tho angel took a sapphire pen, And wrote In rainbow clew; ' "The man would bo a boy again, And bo a husband, too! “ Is thoro another pot unsaid Before the change appears? Remember all their gifts have fled With those dissolving years I" : Why, yes, I would one favor more, My fond paternal Joys— I could not bear to leave them all; I’ll take my girls and boys. Tho smiling angel dropped Ills pen— " Why, this wllTnover do; Tho man would bo a boy again, And bo a father, tool” And so I laughed—my laughter woke The household with its noise, I wrote my dream when morning broke, To ploaso the grey-halred boys. 4:rtifiriliattoWL PHILIPS* FIRST BIST. Mrs. Philips was on the very pinnacle of felicity. She was the mother of a boy which weighed eleven pounds. • He, Philips, bid fair to lose his mind entirely. He danced and sang, and fired guns from the top of his corn hopse, whistled Yankee Doodle while eating his breakfast, and wrung the heads off all the fowls on the place, to make a chicken pie for the celebration. This worthy couple had. been married ten years, and this was their first child. People had laughed at them ten years on account of their luck; people who were overrun with children, mm whose lives were made miserable by the scoldings and spanking they found it necessary to in flict upon their wretched little olive plants. Now, Mrs. Philips said, she guessed ihey’d laugh out the other side. There had never been so large a baby born in Bmlthfleld before. Mrs. Jones’ only weighed nine pounds and had a pug nose. Mrs Sawyer’s was red haired, and bud a mole on bis right foot—a sure sign that it would come to a bad end—and it only weighed seven pounds fourteen ounces! She guessed folks had better look at home before they laughed. Baby proved to be a Tartar. Ho bad a temper like a windmill, and seemed de termined to develop bis feet and lungs to the utmost while no had leisure, for be screamed and kicked twenty-three out of twenty-four hours, ' But bis mother declared he was an an gel. We nevercometoimaginepnangel with puffy red cheeks, heels elevated In the air, sucking a sugar teat, and being bounced about in a pillow cradle to the tune of “ High diddle dee!’’ but then our imagiuation Is not by any means so vivid as it might be. From the hour in which he was born, be was the autocrat of the household; everything had to bow at his hod.' The scullery door creaked; It was ta ken off the hinges, and the servant was in the draft all the time, because she might disturb the bady. For the same reason the coffee mill was removed into the woodshed, the dishes must be wash ed out of doors—the clatter of the plates, made the baby scream; the washing was done In the born; all the. clocks la the house were stopped; the dog was muz zled,' and the oat was choked—all from the fear of disturbing the baby. Mr. Philips paid a blacksmith, who was located within a quarter of a mile, one hundred dollars to move his shop, and Biddy was moved to the cook loft of tbe woodshed on account of snoring. The child’s diseases were legion. It was-a wonder that it could draw its breith with so many terribie.allments clingiug to it. Mrs. Philips was continually on tbe watch for some new demonstration. “ Charles 1" cried she, waking her hus band from slumber one cold winter night, “it seems to me the baby don’t breathe just right.” Mr. Philips sprang up and listened; “ Good gracious, he’s got the snuffles, ain’t he?” “ Oh, dear, what shall we do if the ba-. by Is going to be sick ?” Mr. Philips got alight, and the anxious parents brought It to bear on tbe face of their child. “ Oh, heavens!” cried his mother, “his face is actually purple! he!s golug to have tho. scarlet fever. Bee that red spot on his eibowi” “ It may be where he’s laid on It,” re marked Mr. Philips. “ Laid on it. eh 1 you unfeeling man, you unnatural father! And there, it’s sucking its thumb; I’ve known it from flint it wouldn’tlive; It sucked Its thumb so much.” 11 tieems to me that I've heard my mother say that it was a sign of a healthy child to suck its thumb, but I won't certalu. Any way, it is a good sign or bad one, I forgot Which.” “Bun, Charles, run for the doctor! It's going to die—l know It is I Oh, don’t stop to dress—don’t. It may die while you are waiting. Call Granny Bates, and tell her to bring some catnip, and suttl-on, and peppermlub-tell her to bring all the herbs she’s got! and do hurry, Charles, do 1 Morey on us I It’s sucking 'both thumbs! Bun—run 1” ■ Mr. Philips caught up the first articles of- clothing ■ he' could fay his - hands on, which proved to be his wife’s embroider dered petticoat, but he was in too much haste and oltgether too much excited to notice dress particularly. He flung the garment over his head and tied it around his waist—slipped on bis shoes and went out into the keen air. The doctor was 1 asleep, and did uot care about turning out, but on being told that It was a case of llfe or deatn, he yielded-at oncer Mr. Philips left him dressing, and sped to the residence of Granny Bates. The old lady was wise, but she was very su perstitious, and believed in warnings and apparitions. Philips gave a thundering rap at the dopr, aha directly a nightcap; ped head appeared at the Upper window “ What do you want at this time of night and who be ye?” said a cracked voice. Philips stepped out aud stood plainly revealed by the light of a dim moon. “ Good gracious, massy I” orledtheold woman, “ it’s got a scalloped petticoat on. Land! I didn’t think they wasted -their time on such vanities os they are!” “It’s a dying!” exclaimed Philips— " come down quick.” , “ Not 111 ain’t so green as to trust my old body to a supernatlonal ghost!” and down went.the window with a bang.— Philips bounded at the door until he was tired and then mode tracks for home. Dr. Gray had Just arrived. Mrs. Phil* UESDAY, JULY 4,186 T. <lips was preparing to go Into hysterics as soon as she heard his opinion. ' Baby was much worse; it not only sucked Its thumbs, but wriggled its toes. It could not continue long. The doctor, with grave face, entered the sick room.— Biddy rubbed her mistress with camphor. ■Mr. Phillips stood by, wiping his eyes with the drapery of the scant attire. “Oh, doctor! doctor! will it die 7 Only save it doctor, and you may take all X have!” cried Mrs. Phillips, wringing her hands. "I’ll get down on my knees to -you and thank you forever.”. “ Keep your sitting, marm, keep your sitting," said the. doctor i taking a large pinch of snuff. “ Don’t keep mo in suspense! Only she its precious little arm! 'What is it! For the love of heaven tell me let me know the worst!” “ Well, marm, if I speak out, you pro mise not to blame me ?’’ asked the doctor gravely. “No, no!” “ Marm," said he, with his long face still more fearfully elongated, "it is my opinion os a man and a physician, that the child bos been bitten by four bed bugs, or else be has been bitten in four places by one insect of that description.” “ Dr. Gray," cried the father, “ do you mean to insult us I” ' “ By no means, sir; I repeat it—” “No,you don’t!” yelled Mrs. P., "It’s enough to insinuate that 1 have bed-bugs, to say nothing of tbe libel on that angel cherub. Get out of this house this in stant, you mean, cheating, insulting old vagabond I” and seizing the butter ladle' from the table, where Biddy bad laid it full of hot pepper tea, she flung it at him. The doctor knew enough about woman to realize that in flight lay safety, and with a hasty bow he backed off the step and. started for his gig. The ground was inclined and quite icy. His heels flow up, bis head went down, and 'his whole body spun down the hill like astepl shod outter. Mrs. Phillips, nothing daunted, rushed after him and shared the same fate. Tlie two brought up together at tile foot of the hill, in a water trough, but lio words of sympathy were exchanged.— The doctor got upus quick as he could, and galloped home, and Mrs. F, followed his example. The baby lived and throve. As it grew older its dictatorship became more and more absolute. Philips was down on all fours the greater part of his time that the baby might ride on his back ; and Mrs. Phillips wont without crinoline, and her aims uare the coldest weather because the steel spring and her dress sleeve hurt tho baby. Baby made a complete wreck of ail tbe crockery in the house—pounded it with a hummer; he kicked Ills heels through the looking glosses and tore the inwards out of pa’s gold Watch, unmolested. It pleased the deary weary seary baby, his mother said—tile little mitty sugar plumy baby. One day when tho wonderful baby was a year old, the village Inhabitants were startled by the disheveled apparatiou of Mrs. Philips, and wearing a wild expres sion—hurrying at a frantic rate to tbe joiner's shop, where her husbaud work ed ; and instantly le-appeared, followed by Philips at a dog trot. Old Squire Smith saw them, and being a man wlio lived in constautdread of Are, he thought it must be the residence of Mr. Phillips was in flames. The old gen tleman was perfectly insauo on the sub ject of conflagration, and at the top of his lungs raised the cry: “Fire! fire! fire!” “Where?” cried a score of voices. “ Charles Philips’ house!” said the gen tleman. The fire company gathered, got out tbe engine, and ran with speed to tho fatal house. But to their supreme astonish ment they did not so much as smell a put!' of smoke in tbe region. The head fireman, who was something of a wag, knocked at the door. Mrs. Phil ips appeared absolutely radiant. “Is this the house, allow me to in quire, ma’am, that we expected to squirt on ?” said the fireman. “Ido not understand you,” said Mrs. P. “ but the baby has walked two slept— two steps on his own feet alone!” “ Sold by Jupiter!” cried.the fireman ; “ and now boys, here’s three times three to tho baby that walked two steps I Hearty my men!” . And they gave the cheers—drank a bar rel of cider which Mr, Philips rolled out and then returned home. A Railroad Acquaintance.—A Wes tern railroad conductor tells the following Capital hit, of which the The Times, of Cincinnati, " makes a note ■ “ One day last week,!’ said he, “ there came on board of the cars, from one of the up-country stations, a very pretty, genteel young lady, on her way to this city. She was alone, so I waited upon her to a good seat, and made her as com fortable as possible. It was a few-miu utfeabefore the starting hour, and she was so agreeable and so talkative, that I lin gered, and wn bad a pleasant chat. “Afterward, when collecting the tick ets she detained me again an instant, and gave me some fine peaches, which she said came from her friend’s orchard in the country; and really, I began to think that I had not bad so charming apnssen ger for many a day. “ Well, we arrived at the depot; and then I attended her to the carriage, hand ed up her carpet-bag; and, after all what do you think she said ?” Now we thought, of course, that the young lady would say very politely, “ Thank you, sir”—smile like a gleam of sunshine —the carriage roll off—and our friend John Van Dunsen, thegentlemanly conductor, would bow an adieu, and with a sigh turn away, and forget the matter, god we stated that as our natural suppo filtlou. “ No,” said tho conductor, “she did no such thing; but, just as her foot was on' the step she turned, and with a sort of look I can’t describe, observed ; ; “ You must consider this, sir, merely a car acquaintance. You must not expect to be recognized if we meet any where else!" John drew a long breath. “ What did you say ?’’ we asked. “ Why I thought this rather uncivil, to say the least, so I replied very quickly: “ Certainly not Madam. I was just go ing to remark that you must not feel slighted if unnoticed by me anywhere, except on the cars; for really, we conduc tors have to be careful about our acquain tance!” “ And the lady 1” said we. “ She looked quite silly, as she drove off," replied John, A keener response to an example of fe male ‘ anobiam’ could not have been made, nor better deserved. Spkinq Feybb.'— Oorry O’Lanus, of Brooklyn Eagle, hag experienced an at tack of the spring fever. He describes the symptoms as follows; Did you never catoh the spring fever ? It has caught mo slightly, and I think of reporting myself to the Board of Health an a case for quarantine. If they would send me somewhere for a week or two, where.! would have noth ing to do and no board to pay, I think I should feel better. The symptoms of tbespring fever are a vigorous Inclination to do nothing. .-You feel as though you could stand any cjuantlty of repose. The spring fever is a bad complaint when you haven’t time to attend to it.'. B@* A widow lately sitting by a cheer ful'Are In a meditative mood,' shortly af ter -hen husband’s decease, sighed • out: “ P<or fellow—how ho did like a good lire! I hope,he has. gone'where they, keep good nres.’’ KS” A Missouri farmer being asked If raising-hemp \Vaa a good business, an swered: ■ , . “ I can’t sartin say, bnt It is surely bet ter than being raised by It." ♦ IF WE ONLY BAD A PIANO. ‘ This is pleasant,’ exclaimed the you ng husband, taking bis seat cosily in the rocking-chair as the tea things were ret moved. The lire glowed In the grate, re vealing a prettily and neatly finished sit ting-room, w.th all the appliances of com fort. The fatiguing business of the day was over and he sateujoying, that which he bad all day been anticipating, the de lights of. bis own friends. His pretty wife Esther took her work and sat down by the table. 1 It is pleasant to have a home of one’s .own,” he said, again taking a satisfacto ry survey of his snug, little quarters.— The cold rain beat against th- windows, and be thought be felt grateful for all his ■present enjoyments. ‘Now if we only had a piano!’ suid the wife. ‘Give me the music of your sweet voice hefore'all the pianos in creation,’ he declared complimentarily, despite a certain secret disappointment that his Wife’s thankfulness did not chime with his own. • ‘ Well, but we want one for our friends,’ said Esther. ‘ ‘ Let our friends come to see us, aud not to hear a piano I’ exclaimed her bus band. * ' But, George, everybody has a piano, now-a-days; we don’t go anywhere with out seeing a piano,’ persisted tbe wife. ‘ And yet 1 do not know wo want one, for you will have no time to play on one and I don’t like to bear it,’ ■ ‘Why they are so fashionable—l think our room loooks really naked without a piano,’ ‘ I think it looks just right.’ , ‘ I think it looks very naked—we want a piano shockingly,’ protested Esther emphatically. i The husband rooked violently. ‘ Your lamp smokes, my dear,’ lie said after a long pause. 1 When are you going to get a solar lamp? I have told you a dozen times how much we need one,’ said Esther quite Impatiently. ‘Those will do.' ‘But you know, everybody now-a-days wants solar lamps,’ ‘ Those lamps are the prettiest of the kind I ever saw, and tney wore bought in •Boston.’ i ‘ But George, Ido not think our room is complete without a solar lamp,’ said the who sharply— 1 they are so fashiona ble; why tho D—a, B—s and A—s al) have them. I’m sure we ought to. ‘We ought to, If we take pattern by other people's expenses, and 1 don’t see any reason for that.’ The husband mov ed uneasily in his chair. ‘We want to live within our means, Esther!’ exclaim ed her husband. ‘ I am sure I think we could afford it as well as the B—s, or the D—s, and many Others we might mention; we do not wish to appear mean.’ George’s olieek crimsoned. ‘ Mean !—l am not mean!’ he cried an f” ‘ Then do you not wish to appear so,’ said the wife. ’To complete mis room and make it like others, we want a piano mid a solar lamp.’ ‘ Wo want —we want I’ muttered the husband; ‘ there is uosatisfymg woman’s wauls, do what you may and he abruptly left tbe'room. How many husbands are in a similar dilemma! How many homes and hus bands are rendered uucomlortable by tbe constant dissatisfaction of a wife with present comforts and present provisions. How many bright prospects tor business have ended in bankruptcy alter loshion able necessities I If tbe real cause of many a lailure could be made known, it would be touud to result from useless ex penditure at home —expenses to auswer the demands or lushiou, and ‘ What will people say of us ?’ ‘ My wife has made my fortune,’ said a gentleman of great possessions, ‘ by her turift, prudence and dice, fulness, when I was just beginning.’ ‘ And mine has lost my fortune,’ said his companion bitterly, ‘by useless ex travagance and repining when I was do ing well.’ What a world does this open of tbe influence which a wife possesses over the future prosperity of her family. Let the wife know.ber influence, and cry to use it wisely and well, . L Be satisfied to commence small. It is too common for young housekeepers to begin where their mockers ended. BuC all that is necessary to work skillfully with, adorn your house with all that will fender it comfortable. Do not look at richer homes, and covet their costly fur niture. If secret dissatisfaction springs up, go a step further, and visit tbe homes of tho poor and suttbring; behold dark, cheerless apartments, Insufficient cloth ing and absence of the -comlorts and re finements ot social life; then to your own With a joyful spirit. You will then be prepared to meet your husband with greater heart, and be ready, to appeciate that toil and self-denial which he has endured in bis business world to surround you with all the de lights of home; then you will be ready to co-operate cheerfully with him In so arranging your expenses that his mind will not be constantly harrassed with fears lest family expenses encroach upon bis business. Be independent. A young housekeep er never needed greater moral courage than she does to resist the arrogance of fashion. Do not let the A—s and B—s decide what you must have, neither let them hold the strings ot your purse.— You know what you can and ought to af ford; then decide with strict integrity according to your means. Let not tbe censures nor the approval of tho world iver tempt you to buy what you hardly think you can afford. It mattets little what they think, provided you lire true to yourself and family. I’hus pursuing an independent straight forward, consistent course of action, there jvill spring up peace and joy qii ground you. Satisfied and happy yourself, you will make your husband so; and your children will feel the warm and genial Influence. Happy at homo, your hus band can go out Into the world with a clear head qnd a self-relying spirit; do mestic bickerings will not sour his heart, and he will return to you again with a confiding and unceasing love. Depend upon, it, beauty, wit, grace, accomplish ments have far less to do with family comfort than prudence, eoonoipy. and good sense. A husband may get tired of (idinirlng, but nover.with the comfortable consciousness that bis receipts exceed his ilemuiids. ' Faumino on Shakes.— Connecticut boasts of some great farmers. They have a curious way of doing things on shares,' and the 'results of these operations, offer a fine held for the display of logic. One of their farmers leased to his son-in-law three acres of land, to .be planted with corn and cultivated by him "at the halves.” In the fall the lessee said that was the poorest land ho eVer worked on ; for, said he " I worked hard all summer, ana at harvest time, when we came to di vide the crop, I not only had no corn left for myself, but ! bad to go and buy five bushels of shelled corn to make out my father-in-law's half.” 1 Hire Is another base Illustrating the workings of this “ pebuliarlngtitutlon” of doing things on shares; - ; Farmer A.—. happened ie have more pigs than lie could keep, while his neigh bor B— —, had more milk than he could dispose of.' Oneday.A broughttwo pigs over and deposited them in B -'s pen, saying that be wished B- -to keepthem on shares —and that he might keep them two months and have one of them as his share. B—— replied that, os ho had plenty of feed,ho would keep them four months and have them both, as. of course, that would amount to the same thing I A— —left, saying that he supposed it was all right; but guessed ho wouldn’t bring any more. jgy-A fool’s heart is in his tongue, but a wise man’s tongue Is In bis heart. VOL 54.—N0. 3. Exolt«mcui ta a Circus, We have laughed heartily over the fol lowing ludicrous story, and would not de prive our readers of the same enjoyment: A number of years ago, when Michigan Was a new country, in Livingston coun ty, there lived a family by the name of Clayton, and one called Perkins also—as Well as a great many others. Pete Clayton was a tall, fine looking fellow—a noble specimen of our back woodsmen—standing six feet two inches in his stockings, • Pete had taken a shine to Miss Sally Perkins, and it Was known in faat that they were engaged, but the day when the knot was to be tied had not yet been di vulged. In the month of August, 1840, June’s circus came through their town for the Urst time, and in fact it was the llrst cir cus that bad ever passed that way and there were a great many people that had never seen one. When the important day arrived the town was filled to over flow with a motley crowd, of course, and every young fellow had his gal. Now, Pete wanted to get married on the com ing Christmas, but Sally wished to have ItputofTtill the next spring. When the ■ ticket wagon was opened the tent was tilled in a hurry. Peto and Sally had been looking through the side shows and they were late in getting in, and tbo per formance bad already commenced. They walked around the entire ring trying to iind a seat, and although they could scut two thousand people, every seat was oc cupied, “Never mind,” said Sal, “Hd just os lief stand up.” But the gallant Pete couldn’t think of it, and said, “ wait a min’t. I'll get you a chair,” and off he started, leaving Sal all jaioife. Just at this moment the clown came in, dressed in his usual custom, and dan cing around the ring, stopped right in fro'nt of Sal and began to sing: "OhSally Is tho gal for mo." This caused Sal to blush, for she* tbo’t that the clown was looking at her. As she stood near the ring, of course she bid the view of those on the lower seats be hind her, and us usual on such occasions, the clown cracked bis jokes at such offen ders until they take the hint and find a seat, but she said she would rather stand up. At this the clown commenced his Jokes, remarking to the riug master: “ There’s a chance for me now.” 11 A chance for you?” “Yes, don’t you see that gal has lost her beau, and she's looking at me, i know,” uud turning three or four somer saults, he stopped In front of Sal and be gan to sing: “ Oh Bally is the gal for me, I would havo no other. And if Sally died to-morrow night, I’d marry Sally’s mother.” This was evidently meant for her, raised Sal’s dande*', and she burst out with— , ‘‘Pm the gal for you, am.l? Marry my mother, would yer? You low-lived spotted scum of the earth. If my feller was here he would wallop you for that.*— I wouldn't stay here another miuit—nor neither would any decent people either/ Saying which she rushed out of the tent amid roars of laiighter. Worth Better Than Shew A young oriental prince was visiting at the castle of a duke in one of the finest counties in England. He looked from his window into a beautiful garden, and Inhaled the fragrance which was wafted toward him by the gentle breath of June. 1 What exquisite perfume!' he cried.— ‘ Bring,me, I pray you, the flower that so delights my sense. See you you stately stalk, bearing on its shaft those gorgeous lilies, whose snowy petals are veined with blood-red lines and with violet shade: .that is undoubtedly the plant h seek/ * They brought him the curious lily of Africa. 4 Its oderis nauseating, 1 he said; * but bring me that flower of a hue so much deeper and richer than even the beautiful roses of my own fair land. See how it glows'like flame. Surely a rich odor should distil from that regal plant.’ It was a dahlia, its scent was even less agreeable than that of the lily. ‘ Can it be, then, the large white blos soms clustered on yonder bush, or the bluecups on the neighboring shrub V he asked. No, the snowball and campanula prov ed alike scentless. Various plants yield ed their odorless buds or broad-spreading petals for his inspection. But he found not what he sought. ‘ Surely it must be that golden ball/ he said, * for so showy a bloom should at least charm the nostril as the eye.’ . ‘Faugh!’ It was a marigold. At length they placed in his hand a wee brown blossom. 1 So unpretending a thing as this can not surely be that tor which I seek,’ ex claimed the prince, with a vexed air— * This appears to be nothing better than a weed/ He cautiously lifted it to his face. l ls it possible ?’ he cried. *ls It really this unobtrusive brown weed which gives forth so precious an oder ? ■ Why it hangs over the whole garden, and comes fan ning in at my window like the very breath of health and purity. What is the name of this little darling ?’ . * Precisely thatyour highness,’ answer ed bis attendant —‘ this flower is called * migouette, the little darling.’ ’ * Wonderful I wonderful!’ repeated the astonished prince, placing it in his bo som. * Thus your highness perceives,’ re marked his tutor, gravely, * that the hum ble am) unpretending often exhale the most precious virtues.’ Female Ingenuity.—Secret Corres pondence,—A young lady, newly mar ried, being obliged to show to her bus band all the letter she wrote, sent the fol lowing to an intimate friend: - “I cannot be satisfied, my Dearest Friend! blest as I am In the matrimoni al state, unless I pour into your friendly bosom, which has ever been In unison with mine, the various sensations which swell with the liveliest emotion, of pleas? ure, my almost bursting heart. I tell you my dear husband is the most amiable of men. I have now been married seven weeks, and have never found the least reason to repent the day that Joined us. My husband is both in person and man ners far from resembling ugly, cross, old, disag eeable and.jealous a monster, who tbiuKs by confining to secure.a wile, it is his maxim to treat as a bosom friend and confident, and not as a piay-tfaiug or me nial slave the woman chosen, to be his companion. Neither party. .he says, should always obey impllclty; but each yield to the other by turns—An ancient maiden aunt, near seventy, a cheerful, venerab : c and plesantold lady, lives in the house with us-r-she Is the delight of both young and old; she is civil to all ; the neighborhood round, generous and oburiatoble to the poor. I’m convinced my lord loves nothing more than ho does me; he flatters me more than a glass, and his intoxication, (for so I must cull the excess of his love.) often,makes me blush for the unworthiness of its object, and wish X could be more deserving of the man'whose name I bear. To say all In one word, my deaf,—and to crown the whole, iiiy former gallant lover is now my indulgent husband, my fondness is returned, and I might have had a Prince, without the felicity I find in him. Adieu I may you be as blest os I atn unable to wish that 1 could be more happy. A youug lady in’ Brooklyn, N. Y.. a few nights since, refused to go to a bed In her bed room on the ground that she had a presentiment that there was danger threatening her while she was in .tUe room. She accordingly slept in another part of the house. In the course of the night the lightning entered the bed-room and shivered to atoms the bed in which she usually slept. Hates for Advebtiskments will bo inserted at Ten Cents per Uno for the first Insertion, and flvo cents per lino for each subsequent Insertion, quar terly, half-yearly, and yearly advertisements in serted at a liberal redaction bn the above rates: Advertisements should be accompanied by tho Gasii. When sent without any length ol time specified for publication, they will bo continued until ordered out and charged accordingly. JOB PmUTINQ. . Gauds, Handbills, CmcuLAns/and ever} oth* er description of Job and Oahd Printing cicca*- ted lu the neatest style, at low prices, Eom. There Is now in progress, in Egypt a system which reminds one of this history of Joseph in that same country several thousand years ago. It will be remem bered that tbo* Hebrew minister advised .the reigning Pharaoh to Sell food to tho starving people for land, and that acting pn his advico the monarch became tho sole proprietor of the soil. Egypt Is gov erned now by a .wily potentate, who, though commonly called a viceroy, is re ally a very; powerful autocrat, and is fast becoming, if ho is not already, tho weal thiest man in the world. There has been a great deal of overtrading in Egypt. —, The cotton, deihand led to a great rise tn prices, and a very largo increase of this crop and of general business. Contrary to the old .Mohammedan custom, the pco ple owning lands began to borrow money on inteiesl, while others, who had for eign creditors whom they could not pay, secured them as they bestcould. The re sult was that a very considerable part of tbo landed property was mortgaged. The viceroy has adopted a system of assuming these mortgages, and imposing on tbo debtor so much of a bonus to himself that he becomes without much difficulty tho proprietorof the land. It is common ly reported and believed In Egypt that the vjce.oy now owns onb-fourtn of tho entire soil of the country. At the same time slavery is largely on the increase in that country, although it was understood years ago that the Sultan had abolished It by decree. A very curious, picture of human life is now preseuted in some of the mud huts of old Egypt, and a picture which might arouse some of the sympa thies of American phllan rhiopists. Many of tho peasants, known as feUahsl have made money by raising cotton. This is something quite new to the country. A fellah with a few good coins to spare Is a rarity. Formerly the man would have given his shining pieces to his dusky wife to ornament her head-dress. But his capita) is ndw larger,and tho first luxury ho seeks is a white wife- Young girls, accustomed to the ease and indo lence of an education designed to lit them Tor the harems of the wealthy Turks, are bought by these peasants and made queens of mud huts, compelled to pass their lives in the most hopeless degrada tion. The stave-dealer cares nothing for tho fate into which he sells the girl, so he only receives bis price. This has become a common occurrence in Egypt. Is is never possible to measure tho ex tent of influences in commerce and social life, proceeding from any cause. It will never be possible to estimate all or half .of the mankind of our civil contest. It is remarkable that in Egypt its effect has been so clearly viable. The price of labor has been advanced UMnoro than double theiold rate; but tho laboring classes are more miserable, in fact poorer, on five piastres a day than they were for merly on two.. All the necessaries of life have appreciated in value, and the dis tinction, broad enough before, between the poor and tho rich, is vastly increased.- Of couise travel In Egypt is much more expensive than it was six years ago, and the boat is a dearer luxury than It used to be when a traveler could hire twenty men for two dollars a day.— Journal of Commerce . * An Asylum for Useless Toang Bfon. In every community there is a certain per ceutage of useless young men, whoso ultimate condition must excite the sym pathy and consideration of every philan thropist. What will become of them?— We do not put the question as to their fu ture state, but how will they round off. their earthly existence? They have no visible means of support, still they hang ou, like they vegetable, they keep above theground. In acertuln libcrulsouse, they may be said to live, move, and have a being.- They lounge in offices, prome nade the streets, appear at social amuse ments, play the gallant to good-natured ladies, and attend to the necessities of lup dogs. Their more quiet and undemon strative life may bo described as an in termittent torpor,in which meals, drinks, and sleep mark the changes. Their ex istence would bo a mystery but for their bearing certain relations to other substan tial people known familiarly as *‘pu,” “ma,"or “ better half,” who are able to make provision for the waste uud protec tion of their bodies in the way of clothes and food. still, ought these tender young men to be left to the chances of parental or do mestic affection? All are not equally fortunate, what shall we do with thobO whoso dependencies are so precarious? They do not admit of any utilitarian dis* position. In cannibal countries they could be eaten as a substitute for veal; their bodies would also make excellent fertilizers for sterile lauds; but the preju dices of a Christian people would revolt at this solution of the problem. A cer tain number could bo employed as lay figures in shop windows to exhibit clothes on, but the tailors might not have con ffdenco in them. Most of them could color meerschaums, but this business would produce little revenue. What, then, shall be done ? The tax now fulls upon a few, and It ought to be distribu ted. We propose, therefore, a State Asy lum for useless young men. An Institu tion of this kind could be easily filled with those between the ages of eighteen and thirty, who should be grouped and associated together so that the rude jos tling and friction of the working world would not disturb their delicate nerves. Here they could cultivate moustaches, part their hair behind, aiuLpractlco atti tudes. In this yesort, with) a little en forced exercises to keep their circulation in a healthy state, with dolls to play with as a compensation for the absence of la dies’ society, these useless young men could be supported in ease and comfort, and all the industrious people would bo willing to pay the expenses of this insti tution, rather than bear the painful so licitude in regard to the welfare of these superfluous members of society. When provision has been made by the State for" idiots, for the insane, poor, aged, and cripples, is it not astounding that asy lums have never been erected for a still more helpless class? Lot this philan thropic enterprise be started at once. Too Quick. —When. Mr. ."Livingston, the American minister, who was quite deaf, was introduced at tho Court of Na poleon, he had prepared to answer the question he supposed tho emperor would ask in rcgaixl to his passage across the At lantic. Napoleon accosted him thus?, “How is Mr. Jefferson? “Very bolsteiv bus! very boisterous! replied Mr. Llv i ngstou, to the great amusement of those present. A Gentleman called on a miser, and found him at tho table endeavoring to catch a fly., Presently he succeeded In entrapping one, which he immediately put Into the sugar bowl and shut down tho cover. The gentleman asked for an explanation of this singular sport. “ I’ll tell you,” replied tho miser, u triumph ant grin overspreading his countenance as bespoke, “1 want to ascertain if the servant-steals tho sugar. good story is told of a hard shell Baptist m ssiouary in Medina, who be came ml. ed up lu land speculations. On enter ng his pulpit recently he announc ed to me congregation at the opening of divine services, that the text would be found In St. Paul*a epistle to the Mluue soUans, section 4, range 3 west. An Inn-keeper observed a postil lion with only one spur, and inquired the reason. ’ , , “ Why, what would be the Use of an other?” said tho posulUon i “ If one side of the horse goes, the othercaji’t stand still.” jj@r Old gentleman (affectionately)— " My son, why do you chew that nasty, filthy tobacco?” * . •’ * . , Precious youth (atlftly)To get tha juice out of It, old codger r
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