nen ESRI Bellefonte, Pa., May 27, 1910. A Bachelor's Confession. The Bachelors’ club came to order. the president in the chair. “Fellow bachelors,” he said, “one of our number has committed matri- mony. Edward Hammerton has tak- a fine, and his membership In the club He shall state the arts by “Mr. Hammerton will now make his statement.” “I assure you, gentlemen,” said the India and Persia, 1 have since under- stood, is a powerful tribe, amoung whom the ladies can choose their own husbands. All a single woman has to do when she wishes to change her state is to send a servant to pin a handkerchief to the hat of the man on whom her fancy lights, and he Is obliged to marry her uiless he can show that he is too poor to pugchase her at the price her father requires. “Inspired by this suggestion from a land where secret venomous metheds underlie all social conditions, every unmarried woman in the town where I live formed a club—rather entered upon a conspiracy—to force the bach- elors into matrimony. One morning, being about to leave my home, on tok- ing my hat from the hall closet some- thing soft and scented fluttered against my band. | shuddered. [I had touch- ed the Indian poison flower and was reminded of its waxen petals and its seductive odor. Taking the hat to the light, I saw pinned to it a blue silk handkerchief in one corner of which was embroidered my monogram in white silk thread. Observe, gentle- men, the insinuating methed of this designing creature. She not only knew how dear to every man is his alma mater, but she was aware that blue is the color of my college. “Mind you, gentlemen, 1 did not at the time know of this society or of its malevolent purpose, for the members kept both secret so long as possible. I asked my butler how the handkerchief came to be pinned to my hat. He said that the servant of Miss Eugenia Tomlinson, living at the other end of the street, had called before I was out of bed, asked for my hat and at- tached the handkerchief. Why he had done so he did not state. “Going to my club after I had break- fasted, 1 sat down to a cigar and a paper. In the paper I read a full ac- count of the organization and prac- tices of this pestilent Indian plant that had been imported to our soil. 1 aiso read a list of the bachelor heads that had already fallen and was aghast to see the names of two of my most intl- mate friends, “‘Great heavens,’ 1 cried, the per- spiration starting out on me, ‘and I have already received a deadly Black Hand notification! “The lady who had thus marked me for matrimonial misery, both from her beauty and general attractiveness, was all powerful. Any man on whom she pinned the skull aud crossbones must walk the plank. ‘Chere was no hope for him. Nevertheless, though seeing the signal to heave to, I made up my mind to pay no attention to it. I simply sailed on minding my own business.” “Why didn't you take to an aero- plane?’ a member interrupted. “Rats!” “Buncombe!” “Brave boy!" and the like greeted the speaker. “One week after the receipt of the signal,” be continued. “the period given blacklisted bachelors by this club, 1 met one of my most respected woman friends on the street. She cut me dead. The same day 1 met several others and received the cut direct from all. Here was, indeed, a boycott. You must remember, gentlemen, that, although we do not wish to surrender our independence to these creatures, to be ostracized by them is a serious matter. In time I was cut by every unmarried woman in town. Besides, the most attractive married women were honorary mem- bers of the club and joined the boy- Cott, rwense » “And then, gentiemen, appeared the most alluring feature of this malig- nant scheme. Last of all my femi- nine acquaintances I met the girl into whose toils it was intended that I should fall. A seductive blush over- spread her features, a bewildering smile parted her vermilion lips and showed two rows of pearls beneath; then a modest dropping of the eyes. These women who had united to as- sist in snaring me were all denying me the benefit of their society for the purpose of driving me like an inno- cent bird into the opening of the net intended for me.” At this point in the speech there were groans and cries of “Poor i “Innocent bird!” “Where's er?’ “He's going to cry!” and the “Here, fel-1 was going to say low bachelors; alas, I can call such no longer!—I took that first step which leads to the final inevitable fall. I turned and joined her. Like the ine- briate who sips the first glass of wine that he knows will drag him down to his ruin, I submitted myself to a pres- ence which 1 knew would steal away my brains. I might as well have swallowed laudanum.” “Run for a stomach pump!” “Walk him! “Pour water down his throat! These and other such calls came from the unsympathetic members of the club. The benedict continued his confession: “My intention, gentlemen, in joining her—so 1 persuaded myself; ‘whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad’'—was to say something to her to cause her to desist in her in- tention to enslave me. I began in this wise: ‘If my circumstances were such as to enable me to marry I should es- teem myself honored beyond measure in being invited by a lady in every way so calculated to inspire my es- teem. But my income, only $10,000 a year, is barely enough for my own" Cries of “Dead give away!” “Selfish brute!” “I'll bet she's going to ery!” “Who said cry?’ asked the confes- sor, surprised. “I did,” replied the homeliest mem- “That's exactly what she did.” “l knew it,” said the homeliest member. “A member of the club told me in confidence that certain instruc- tions are laid down for the girls, the principal of which is to cry.” The confessor groaned and went on: “We were walking toward the girl's home and at this point reached her door. She burst into a passion of tears and ran into the house, shutting the door behind her, “1 stood looking vaguely about me, not knowing just what to do. 1 wish- ed a policeman would come along and run me in. | had an undefined sense of having committed a crime. It seemed to me that I had plunged a dagger into the heart of the girl who had left me. I went to my club, light- ed a cigar, smoked it two minutes and threw it away. 1 went into the bil- llard room. knocked the balls about for two minutes more, threw down my cue and, shoving my hands in my pockets, walked up and down in the hallway, Several of my ’riends came in, but somehow I wanted to get rid of them. They all wanted to know what was the matter with me. One of them pestered me, telling me about some liver pills he had used with great effect. “I dined at the club with another. I surprised him by ordering my des sert immediately after the soup and undertook to carve a bird in cross sec- tions. You see, the poison had entered my blood and was crawling through the veins to the heart. When the din- ner was over I told my friend 1 was sick and was going home to bed. | lied. I bad never before told a delib- erate lie. You see the effect of this Indian flower with its noxious but ecstatic perfume, Facile decensus aver- ni, which, being interpreted, means. ‘When a man makes a false step the descent into iniquity is easy.’ “When one has committed a crime he feels an irresistible desire to visit the spot where it was enacted. The spot where my crime had been perpe- trated was a few steps from the home of the girl who had inoculated me. | went there. I was possessed with a desire to apologize for a sin 1 hadn't committed. 1 rang the bell, went into the house and sent up my card.” “Gone up!” cried a voice. “He'll never go there any more,” said another. “Gentlemen,” continued the confes- sor, “I sat with wildly beating heart in the drawing room till T heard a rustle of skirts and the tap of a tiny heel on the staircase, A moment later there in the doorway stood—what shall I call it?—a vision of loveliness, a dream “Gentlemen, I have finished.” “Go on!” “Don’t I wish I'd had one like that!” “Peaches and cream are nothing to it!” and other such indeli- cate, or, at least, irreverent, cries filled the room. The president rapped for order. “Fellow bachelors,” he said, “we have all listened to the confession of our unfortunate ex-member, and 1! know there is not one of us who has not listened with exuberant sympathy. Expressions of opinion as to the amount of the fine he shall pay are now in order. You are aware that the amount lies between $100 and $500.” “I move,” cried a voice, “that on ac- count of the united pressure brought to bear and the boycott (unusual cir cumstances) the fine be remitted en- ’ wE I move,” said another, “that the fine be doubled. It's my opinion that our ex-brother was a willing vic- tim.” “And I move,” said the homeliest man, “that the ladies of this city be invited to organize one of these Indian plzen societies right here among us.” At this there were groans and cries of “Put him out!” “Renegade!” “He's been infected!” under which the home. ligst man tried to hide. The president arose, “Gentlemen,” he said, “since it is left with me to name the fine, 1 will say that I agree with our fellow mem- ber who says that the circumstances in this case are unusual, and I will ramit the fine altogether.” The confessor arose for a last word. “Gentlemen,” he sald, “I insist on paying a double fine. My descent fato Avernus is worth a hundred times the amount.” A Cure For Nerves. The “nervy” girl will find that an hour's sewing is a wonderful nerve soother. She can sew in all her little irritations, her fancied injuries, and generally become her normal self again when she has finished a long seam. One of the most neurotic and excita- ble women, the famous George Sand, wrote in praise of the soothing powers of needlework. Keep This in Mind. That your daughter will doubtless not love you if your conversation is a boys especially. Walking half an hour a day with a cane back of the armpits a weight on the head in the interest Yet the mother who gives in to the fighting of her children—and few of them like these efforts for beauty—will live to see the hour when those chil- dren say: “1 don't see, mother, why you did not make me take care of my eyes or teeth or hair. You know we did not understand the importance.” Carbolic Disinfectant. Many persons have a general idea that carbollc acid is a good disinfec- tant, but bave no idea how to use it. Either the crystals or the liquid acid can be used. the former going further. They must be mixed one part to twen- ty parts of water. Stir until dissolved. This solution can be used to boil white clothes that have been employ- ed around contagious diseases. The clothes should boll about an hour, when all germs will be destroyed. Carbolic soapsuds made boiling hot will destroy germs in woodwork and painted walls if they are carefully washed down with it. There are good carbolic soaps on the market that are excellent for disin- fecting purposes. ‘They can be safe- ly used on the skin without roughening it unduly. Where there is much sick- ness in a family or where one is ex- posed to Infection, as often happens to women who do charity work or who teach school, it is well to use it before one eats, Hampered by Conventionalities. Washington was crossing the Dela: ware river at Trenton. “Of course,” he said, “I don't mind standing up in this bout and gazing sternly in the direction of the unsus- pecting foe, since the artists Insist on depicting me in this absurd attitude, but the blithering chumps ought to know better than to paint these blocks of floating ice projecting a foot above the water. Any man with an ounce | ——— : Absentminded Annette belongs to a club of young women in the west ead of town. She went to a bridal shower given by the club and left her present at home. “I'm so sorry that 1 forgot it.” she said. “Never mind,” the other girls told her. “You can send it around later.” A few weeks later the club gave an- other bridal shower, and again An- nette left her gift at home. “Do you know what I've done?” she No one felt disposed to help ber out. then,” she added, “didn’t ove § There have been so many bloody battles it is perhaps impossible to say with absolute certainty which of them all was the bloodiest, but the balance of the evidence seems to be in favo: of the battle of Chalons, France. fought A. D. 451 between the Huns. under Attila, and the Romans, Goths and Franks, under the command o! Aetius, the most renowned captain co! his day. At the head of his 500.00! of savages Attila was having every- thing his own way, and it looked ux if Aryan civilization was destined to fa'l before the Tartar despotism, when suddenly, like the bolt out of the blue. Aetius fell upon the barbaric hordes and Europe was saved. It is estimat- ed that 400,000 of the barbarians were left dead on the field, Couldn't Frighten Him. An Indian maharajah once received Lord Clive, the famous soldier, in his palace court. Presently in sprang two whopping big Bengal tigers, as big as ever grew. They rolled and sprawled and romped all over the court, growl. ed, spit and struck at each other. All the time the rajah slyly and snakily stole glances at Clive to see if it would scare him green white. After a little the tigers were driven out. Clive smoked his cheroot all the while, of gumption knows that the ice in this | river isn't eight feet thick.” Angered by these reflections, he fell ! upon the Hessians shortly afterward with extreme ferocity.—Chicago T'rib- une. 0 Spring Loss of Appetite Cures thousands of cases every year, tones the Stomach, aids the digestion, cleanses and revitalizes the blood, gives vigor and vim. Roots, BARKS AND HErBs—Hood's parilla so combines the bles of roots, barks and humors, all blood diseases, Hood's Sarsaparilia Hood’s Sarsaparilla For Big Cargo, An old official following story beard between two old saflors: “It was a that trip,” said “one of the dingdest rat ships I ev knew. They was rats in to stern, rats in in the steerage, the old man nothin’ but. “Bimeby it got so bad we had to put in an’ get them off. So we hooked up tc a dock an’ fumigated. I was on deck, an’ I saw them rats leavin’. I ! “Sure! Yes, I'm sure. They was 15,000,000 rats, and I counted ‘em. More than that, every rat weighed half a pound. was big, fat, sassy “ million rats, and every one a pound, and they all ship. That's 7,500,000 Say, Jim, what was the tonnage of that ship?’ “Oh, about a hundred and fifty tons.” —Judge. His Sarcastic , A well known New Yorker figured in a quuint encounter with a “pan. handler” not long ago. The fellow had asked him for a dime, when the following conversation took place: “You're a positive nuisance! Tues- day you struck me for a dime, Thurs- day 1 gave you another, and now you have the nerve to ask for a third!” “Excuse me, but are you the gent that gave me a dime on this corner the day before yesterday?” “Yes.” “And now I've tackled you for the third dime?” “Yes.” “Waal,” said the hobo contritely, “I sincerely beg your pardon, old man. That's too much gall even for me. The only excuse I have to offer is that you have improved so much in your personal appearance that 1 didn't rec- ognize you.”—Cleveland Leader. i and that Tired Feeling. No REAL is no real sub- stitute for Hood’ prepa- to be > be Eo erro i 5 ml oad Noe BREReta BRY{BES2YS Schedule to take effect Monday, Jan. 6, 1910 WESTWARD | EASTWARD No2{t Nod Children Cry for Fletcher's Castoria. dollar. That the Superiority of the Fauble Clothes will make you a custo- mer, that’s why we sell them. WE KNOW Fair Treatment and Right Prices will hold your patronage, that’s why fair treatment in honest prices are accorded you here fifty-two weeks i every year, six days in every week. BE A CUSTOMER of the Fauble store and you can always be sure of a big hundred cents worth for your : ETROUSEIBIBROS: BALTIMORE’ in M. Fauble &
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