nen ESRI
Bellefonte, Pa., May 27, 1910.
A Bachelor's Confession.
The Bachelors’ club came to order.
the president in the chair.
“Fellow bachelors,” he said, “one of
our number has committed matri-
mony. Edward Hammerton has tak-
a fine, and his membership In the club
He shall state the arts by
“Mr. Hammerton will now make his
statement.”
“I assure you, gentlemen,” said the
India and Persia, 1 have since under-
stood, is a powerful tribe, amoung
whom the ladies can choose their own
husbands. All a single woman has to
do when she wishes to change her
state is to send a servant to pin a
handkerchief to the hat of the man on
whom her fancy lights, and he Is
obliged to marry her uiless he can
show that he is too poor to pugchase
her at the price her father requires.
“Inspired by this suggestion from a
land where secret venomous metheds
underlie all social conditions, every
unmarried woman in the town where
I live formed a club—rather entered
upon a conspiracy—to force the bach-
elors into matrimony. One morning,
being about to leave my home, on tok-
ing my hat from the hall closet some-
thing soft and scented fluttered against
my band. | shuddered. [I had touch-
ed the Indian poison flower and was
reminded of its waxen petals and its
seductive odor. Taking the hat to the
light, I saw pinned to it a blue silk
handkerchief in one corner of which
was embroidered my monogram in
white silk thread. Observe, gentle-
men, the insinuating methed of this
designing creature. She not only knew
how dear to every man is his alma
mater, but she was aware that blue
is the color of my college.
“Mind you, gentlemen, 1 did not at
the time know of this society or of its
malevolent purpose, for the members
kept both secret so long as possible. I
asked my butler how the handkerchief
came to be pinned to my hat. He
said that the servant of Miss Eugenia
Tomlinson, living at the other end of
the street, had called before I was
out of bed, asked for my hat and at-
tached the handkerchief. Why he had
done so he did not state.
“Going to my club after I had break-
fasted, 1 sat down to a cigar and a
paper. In the paper I read a full ac-
count of the organization and prac-
tices of this pestilent Indian plant that
had been imported to our soil. 1 aiso
read a list of the bachelor heads that
had already fallen and was aghast to
see the names of two of my most intl-
mate friends,
“‘Great heavens,’ 1 cried, the per-
spiration starting out on me, ‘and I
have already received a deadly Black
Hand notification!
“The lady who had thus marked me
for matrimonial misery, both from her
beauty and general attractiveness, was
all powerful. Any man on whom she
pinned the skull aud crossbones must
walk the plank. ‘Chere was no hope
for him. Nevertheless, though seeing
the signal to heave to, I made up my
mind to pay no attention to it. I
simply sailed on minding my own
business.”
“Why didn't you take to an aero-
plane?’ a member interrupted.
“Rats!” “Buncombe!” “Brave boy!"
and the like greeted the speaker.
“One week after the receipt of the
signal,” be continued. “the period
given blacklisted bachelors by this
club, 1 met one of my most respected
woman friends on the street. She
cut me dead. The same day 1 met
several others and received the cut
direct from all. Here was, indeed,
a boycott. You must remember,
gentlemen, that, although we do not
wish to surrender our independence
to these creatures, to be ostracized by
them is a serious matter. In time I
was cut by every unmarried woman in
town. Besides, the most attractive
married women were honorary mem-
bers of the club and joined the boy-
Cott, rwense
» “And then, gentiemen, appeared the
most alluring feature of this malig-
nant scheme. Last of all my femi-
nine acquaintances I met the girl into
whose toils it was intended that I
should fall. A seductive blush over-
spread her features, a bewildering
smile parted her vermilion lips and
showed two rows of pearls beneath;
then a modest dropping of the eyes.
These women who had united to as-
sist in snaring me were all denying
me the benefit of their society for the
purpose of driving me like an inno-
cent bird into the opening of the net
intended for me.”
At this point in the speech there
were groans and cries of “Poor i
“Innocent bird!” “Where's
er?’ “He's going to cry!” and the
“Here, fel-1 was going to say
low bachelors; alas, I can call
such no longer!—I took that first step
which leads to the final inevitable fall.
I turned and joined her. Like the ine-
briate who sips the first glass of wine
that he knows will drag him down to
his ruin, I submitted myself to a pres-
ence which 1 knew would steal away
my brains. I might as well have
swallowed laudanum.”
“Run for a stomach pump!”
“Walk him!
“Pour water down his throat!
These and other such calls came
from the unsympathetic members of
the club. The benedict continued his
confession:
“My intention, gentlemen, in joining
her—so 1 persuaded myself; ‘whom
the gods wish to destroy they first
make mad’'—was to say something to
her to cause her to desist in her in-
tention to enslave me. I began in this
wise: ‘If my circumstances were such
as to enable me to marry I should es-
teem myself honored beyond measure
in being invited by a lady in every
way so calculated to inspire my es-
teem. But my income, only $10,000 a
year, is barely enough for my own"
Cries of “Dead give away!” “Selfish
brute!” “I'll bet she's going to ery!”
“Who said cry?’ asked the confes-
sor, surprised.
“I did,” replied the homeliest mem-
“That's exactly what she did.”
“l knew it,” said the homeliest
member. “A member of the club told
me in confidence that certain instruc-
tions are laid down for the girls, the
principal of which is to cry.”
The confessor groaned and went on:
“We were walking toward the girl's
home and at this point reached her
door. She burst into a passion of
tears and ran into the house, shutting
the door behind her,
“1 stood looking vaguely about me,
not knowing just what to do. 1 wish-
ed a policeman would come along and
run me in. | had an undefined sense
of having committed a crime. It
seemed to me that I had plunged a
dagger into the heart of the girl who
had left me. I went to my club, light-
ed a cigar, smoked it two minutes and
threw it away. 1 went into the bil-
llard room. knocked the balls about
for two minutes more, threw down
my cue and, shoving my hands in my
pockets, walked up and down in the
hallway, Several of my ’riends came
in, but somehow I wanted to get rid
of them. They all wanted to know
what was the matter with me. One
of them pestered me, telling me about
some liver pills he had used with
great effect.
“I dined at the club with another.
I surprised him by ordering my des
sert immediately after the soup and
undertook to carve a bird in cross sec-
tions. You see, the poison had entered
my blood and was crawling through
the veins to the heart. When the din-
ner was over I told my friend 1 was
sick and was going home to bed. |
lied. I bad never before told a delib-
erate lie. You see the effect of this
Indian flower with its noxious but
ecstatic perfume, Facile decensus aver-
ni, which, being interpreted, means.
‘When a man makes a false step the
descent into iniquity is easy.’
“When one has committed a crime
he feels an irresistible desire to visit
the spot where it was enacted. The
spot where my crime had been perpe-
trated was a few steps from the home
of the girl who had inoculated me. |
went there. I was possessed with a
desire to apologize for a sin 1 hadn't
committed. 1 rang the bell, went into
the house and sent up my card.”
“Gone up!” cried a voice.
“He'll never go there any more,”
said another.
“Gentlemen,” continued the confes-
sor, “I sat with wildly beating heart in
the drawing room till T heard a rustle
of skirts and the tap of a tiny heel
on the staircase, A moment later there
in the doorway stood—what shall I call
it?—a vision of loveliness, a dream
“Gentlemen, I have finished.”
“Go on!” “Don’t I wish I'd had one
like that!” “Peaches and cream are
nothing to it!” and other such indeli-
cate, or, at least, irreverent, cries filled
the room. The president rapped for
order.
“Fellow bachelors,” he said, “we
have all listened to the confession of
our unfortunate ex-member, and 1!
know there is not one of us who has
not listened with exuberant sympathy.
Expressions of opinion as to the
amount of the fine he shall pay are
now in order. You are aware that the
amount lies between $100 and $500.”
“I move,” cried a voice, “that on ac-
count of the united pressure brought
to bear and the boycott (unusual cir
cumstances) the fine be remitted en-
’
wE I move,” said another, “that
the fine be doubled. It's my opinion
that our ex-brother was a willing vic-
tim.”
“And I move,” said the homeliest
man, “that the ladies of this city be
invited to organize one of these Indian
plzen societies right here among us.”
At this there were groans and cries
of “Put him out!” “Renegade!” “He's
been infected!” under which the home.
ligst man tried to hide.
The president arose,
“Gentlemen,” he said, “since it is
left with me to name the fine, 1 will
say that I agree with our fellow mem-
ber who says that the circumstances
in this case are unusual, and I will
ramit the fine altogether.”
The confessor arose for a last word.
“Gentlemen,” he sald, “I insist on
paying a double fine. My descent fato
Avernus is worth a hundred times the
amount.”
A Cure For Nerves.
The “nervy” girl will find that an
hour's sewing is a wonderful nerve
soother. She can sew in all her little
irritations, her fancied injuries, and
generally become her normal self
again when she has finished a long
seam.
One of the most neurotic and excita-
ble women, the famous George Sand,
wrote in praise of the soothing powers
of needlework.
Keep This in Mind.
That your daughter will doubtless
not love you if your conversation is a
boys especially. Walking half an hour
a day with a cane back of the armpits
a weight on the head in the interest
Yet the mother who gives in to the
fighting of her children—and few of
them like these efforts for beauty—will
live to see the hour when those chil-
dren say: “1 don't see, mother, why
you did not make me take care of my
eyes or teeth or hair. You know we
did not understand the importance.”
Carbolic Disinfectant.
Many persons have a general idea
that carbollc acid is a good disinfec-
tant, but bave no idea how to use it.
Either the crystals or the liquid acid
can be used. the former going further.
They must be mixed one part to twen-
ty parts of water. Stir until dissolved.
This solution can be used to boil
white clothes that have been employ-
ed around contagious diseases. The
clothes should boll about an hour,
when all germs will be destroyed.
Carbolic soapsuds made boiling hot
will destroy germs in woodwork and
painted walls if they are carefully
washed down with it.
There are good carbolic soaps on the
market that are excellent for disin-
fecting purposes. ‘They can be safe-
ly used on the skin without roughening
it unduly. Where there is much sick-
ness in a family or where one is ex-
posed to Infection, as often happens to
women who do charity work or who
teach school, it is well to use it before
one eats,
Hampered by Conventionalities.
Washington was crossing the Dela:
ware river at Trenton.
“Of course,” he said, “I don't mind
standing up in this bout and gazing
sternly in the direction of the unsus-
pecting foe, since the artists Insist on
depicting me in this absurd attitude,
but the blithering chumps ought to
know better than to paint these blocks
of floating ice projecting a foot above
the water. Any man with an ounce
| ———
:
Absentminded Annette belongs to a
club of young women in the west ead
of town. She went to a bridal shower
given by the club and left her present
at home.
“I'm so sorry that 1 forgot it.” she
said.
“Never mind,” the other girls told
her. “You can send it around later.”
A few weeks later the club gave an-
other bridal shower, and again An-
nette left her gift at home.
“Do you know what I've done?” she
No one felt disposed to help ber out.
then,” she added, “didn’t ove
§
There have been so many bloody
battles it is perhaps impossible to say
with absolute certainty which of them
all was the bloodiest, but the balance
of the evidence seems to be in favo:
of the battle of Chalons, France.
fought A. D. 451 between the Huns.
under Attila, and the Romans, Goths
and Franks, under the command o!
Aetius, the most renowned captain co!
his day. At the head of his 500.00!
of savages Attila was having every-
thing his own way, and it looked ux if
Aryan civilization was destined to fa'l
before the Tartar despotism, when
suddenly, like the bolt out of the blue.
Aetius fell upon the barbaric hordes
and Europe was saved. It is estimat-
ed that 400,000 of the barbarians were
left dead on the field,
Couldn't Frighten Him.
An Indian maharajah once received
Lord Clive, the famous soldier, in his
palace court. Presently in sprang two
whopping big Bengal tigers, as big as
ever grew. They rolled and sprawled
and romped all over the court, growl.
ed, spit and struck at each other. All
the time the rajah slyly and snakily
stole glances at Clive to see if it would
scare him green white. After a little
the tigers were driven out. Clive
smoked his cheroot all the while,
of gumption knows that the ice in this |
river isn't eight feet thick.”
Angered by these reflections, he fell !
upon the Hessians shortly afterward
with extreme ferocity.—Chicago T'rib-
une.
0
Spring Loss of Appetite
Cures thousands of cases every year, tones the Stomach, aids the digestion, cleanses and
revitalizes the blood, gives vigor and vim.
Roots, BARKS AND HErBs—Hood's
parilla so combines the
bles of roots, barks and
humors, all blood diseases,
Hood's Sarsaparilia
Hood’s Sarsaparilla
For
Big Cargo,
An old official
following story
beard between two old saflors:
“It was a
that trip,” said
“one of the dingdest rat ships I ev
knew. They was rats in
to stern, rats in
in the steerage,
the old man
nothin’ but.
“Bimeby it got so bad we had to put
in an’ get them off. So we hooked up
tc a dock an’ fumigated. I was on
deck, an’ I saw them rats leavin’. I
!
“Sure! Yes, I'm sure. They was
15,000,000 rats, and I counted ‘em.
More than that, every rat weighed half
a pound. was big, fat, sassy
“ million rats, and every one
a pound, and they all
ship. That's 7,500,000
Say, Jim, what was
the tonnage of that ship?’
“Oh, about a hundred and fifty tons.”
—Judge.
His Sarcastic ,
A well known New Yorker figured
in a quuint encounter with a “pan.
handler” not long ago. The fellow
had asked him for a dime, when the
following conversation took place:
“You're a positive nuisance! Tues-
day you struck me for a dime, Thurs-
day 1 gave you another, and now you
have the nerve to ask for a third!”
“Excuse me, but are you the gent
that gave me a dime on this corner
the day before yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“And now I've tackled you for the
third dime?”
“Yes.”
“Waal,” said the hobo contritely, “I
sincerely beg your pardon, old man.
That's too much gall even for me.
The only excuse I have to offer is that
you have improved so much in your
personal appearance that 1 didn't rec-
ognize you.”—Cleveland Leader.
i
and that Tired Feeling.
No REAL is no real sub-
stitute for Hood’ prepa-
to be > be
Eo erro i 5 ml oad
Noe BREReta
BRY{BES2YS
Schedule to take effect Monday, Jan. 6, 1910
WESTWARD | EASTWARD
No2{t Nod
Children Cry for
Fletcher's Castoria.
dollar.
That the Superiority
of the Fauble Clothes
will make you a custo-
mer, that’s why we
sell them.
WE KNOW
Fair Treatment and
Right Prices will hold
your patronage, that’s
why fair treatment
in honest prices are
accorded you here
fifty-two weeks i
every year, six days in
every week.
BE A CUSTOMER
of the Fauble store and
you can always be
sure of a big hundred
cents worth for your :
ETROUSEIBIBROS:
BALTIMORE’
in
M. Fauble &