Couple’s Communication - A Gift To Last A Lifetime “I just wish you’d listen to me!” How often have you said that to your spouse? Or vice versa? Com munication is the cornerstone of any relationship, and listening is one aspect of communication! Often times we think of com municating as telling • telling someone something either verbal ly or non-verbally. The message is one part of the communication equation - but there also exits the sender and the receiver. It’s these two components that lend to get us in trouble. Even after 16 years of marriage, my husband and I still need to re group at times to be sure we understand each other. Keep in mind the sender and receiver are humans with emotions, pre occupations. their own agenda, and their personal interpretation of what’s being sent and received! With the spirit of giving in the air, let’s take a look at the gift of enriching your relationship by learning some basic communica tion skills. I. Taking Responsiblity First, what about taking respon siblity. One aspect of healthy communication is taking responsi bility for your own needs, feel ings, wants, and desires. “I” mes sages can be helpful in doing this. The advantage of taking personal responsibility for what needs to be communicated is that our partner j/l'Y A TT) ACE HARDWARE 1739 W. Mal.i St. Ephrata, PA 717-738-4241 DANIEL'S FARM STORE 330 Glenbrook Rd. Leota, PA 717-656-6982 FISHER & THOMPSON, INC. 127 Newport Rd. Leola, PA 717-656-3307 GOOD'S STORE, INC. East Earl, PA 717-354-4026 Quvryvilt, PA MitlhnteKin, PA 717-7IMMI 717-SMMS HUBER'S ANIMAL HEALTH SUPPLIES 810 Tulpehocken Rd. Myeralown 717-866-2246 J.B. ZIMMERMAN & SONS Dairy Div.-Blua Ball, PA 717-354-8030 KAUFFMAN FARM SUPPLY Ml. Plaaaant Mills 717-539-4571 Bellevilla 717-935-2131 is less likely to be put on the defensive. We all know how poor ly we react and respond when we feel we’ve been challenged. When a “you” statement is used, the speaker is often assuming the spouse knows what the other pier son is thinking, feeling or intend ing. “I” messages are more helpful. In an “I” statement, you remark on the act or behavior, how you feel as a result, and the impact on you. So, it is ... • description • feelings • consequences to you. That‘s it. Here are a few examples: “You” Statement' “You’re late again! Why didn’t you phone? “I” Statement: “When you come home late from work and don’t phone, (act or behavior) I feel hurt because it seems I’m not as important as you job, and I feel scared because I don’t know if you’ve been in an accident or you’re alright (how you feel). As a result I’m not sure whether to hold dinner or not I don’t know what (b tell the kids, and I have trouble settling down for the even ing (consequences to you).” Which would you rather hear? The first is likely to put you on the defensive. The second, will hope fully help you to empathize with your spouse. “You” Statement: “We never go out anymore. All you ever want TINGLEY to do on weekends is watch TV or rent a video.” *T Statement: “I’ve noticed we’re spending more and more weekend time at home (act or behavior). This is frustrating to me (feeling) because I like to get out of the house and do things like walks, dancing, and exploring new places (consequences to you).” Chances are, in the first exam ple, your spouse would have been thinking about all of the times you didn’t stay at home, times you did go out, instead of listening to your concerns. In the second, more information is provided, and your spouse is more likely to being understanding your concem(s). “I” messages can also be used when you want to compliment or thank your spouse. For example, your spouse has just done some thing special for you: made your favorite meal, booked a weekend at your favorite get-away, thrown a birthday party. The T’ message compliment is more powerful. “You” Message: “Thanks hon ey! You really put yourself out” . ‘T Message: “When you made dinner for me last night, I was touched. I felt loved by you (feel ing). It lets me know you care (consequences to you). At first, “I” messages, like most other'communication techniques seem awkward - not what you’re used to. Just remember that all communication styles are learned; there are not natural styles. With some practice, you can make this a method that works for you. and for your marriage. (PS. “I” messages aren’t just for couples. They work with children and with other adults as well). 11. Listening To Understand Of course, the second portion is listening to understand. Just as it’s important to take some personal responsibility when you speak, it’s also important to be responsi ble when you listen. You can choose to react, or you can choose to listen to understand what your Christmas , Put ley Boots Your Tree! igh, yet so light-weight you’ll jet you’re wearing ’em. This tans less work fatigue that can ' to farm accidents. pendable And. Dur •...Tinglay Works With You iry Slap Of Tha Way! Lancaster Fanning, Saturday, December 14, 1996-B9 spouse is saying. When you listen to understand, it means that instead of rehearsing your response as your partner speaks, you listen, trying to under stand his/her perspective. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your spouse. You just need to understand. (If you don’t agree, you’ll need to try using a conflict resolution strategy - after your partner feels understood.) This is not easy for most of us -To do. We’re used to preparing our defense, or preparing for a debate. When your partner has said what she or he needs to say, the best way to let him/her know you understand is to summarize in your own words. This is not par roting back, but using your own words, to let your partner know you understand. If you haven’t quite got it right, your partner can clarify for you until you’re both clear on what she/he is trying to say. Some examples: A: “I’ve got nothing to wear!” B: “Yes you do ... you’ve got a closet full of clothes! You’re always shopping.” A: “I’m always shopping? What about that pair of designer shoes you bought last week?” B: “Oh yeah? Well at least I didn’t...” This couple didn’t get very far. Person B certainly has no idea what A was saying. They both just reacted. Let’s try again. A; “I’ve got nothing to wear!” B: “Are you saying that you don’t have anything you think is appropriate to wear to this wedding?” A: “Yes, that’s it I’m feeling self conscious about this wedding, and I want to look my best” Another example of listening to understand: A: “When you come home late from work and don’t phone, I feel hurt because it seems I’m not as important as your job, and I feel scared because I don’t know if iwmwmum FOWL'S FEED SERVICE INC. Lancaster Pike Peach Bottom, PA 717-548-2376 GERMAN FEED MILL, INC. 44 N. 3rd St., Denver, PA 717-336-5585 PIKEVILLE EQUIPMENT, INC R.D. #2 Olay, PA 610-987-6277 UMBERGER'S OF FONTANA Rt. 322 at Fontana 717-867-5161 MARTIN'S REFRIGERATION, INC. 1122 Woodstock Rd. Faysttevllle, PA 717-352-2783 WEAVER'S STORE, INC. 1011 Dry Tavarn Rd. Danver, PA 717-445-6791 W.L. STERNER, INC. 516 Fradarick St. Hanover, PA 717-637-2159 you’ve been in an accident or you’re alright. As a result. I’m not sure whether to hold dinner or not, I don’t know what to tell the kids, and I have trouble settling down for the evening.” B: “It sounds like when I’m late and 1 don’t phone, it creates some problems for you. You feel hurt and neglected, you’re scared because you don’t know what has happened to me, you don’t know what to do with dinner, or tell the kids, and it ruins your evening. (Don’t apologize yet, or defend yourself.) A: “Yeah, that’s about it.” B; “I’m sorry, I never thought about how it impacts you. It’s not easy for me either. Could we talk about this another time when we are both able to discuss it” Person B chose not to defend him/herself, but instead listened to understand his/her partner. Chances are that person A smiled and breathed a sigh of relief when she/he realized their spouse under stood what she/he was saying and feeling. They are wise to take a break until they are both ready to discuss the issue further. Just like using “I” messages, listening to understand isn’t easy. But give it a try. You’ll notice a real impact on your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more, check with your community college, church, or family ser vices. And here’s to a gift to last a lifetime. CLOSED SUNDAYS, NEW YEAR, fggLjl EASTER MONDAY, ASCENSION DAY, WHIT MONDAY, OCT. 11, THANKSGIVING, Fll H|Tff|( CHRISTMAS & DECEMBER 26TH FISHER’S FURNITURE, INC. NEW AND USED FURNITURE USED COAL & WOOD HEATERS COUNTRY FURNITURE A ANTIQUES BUS. HRS. BOX 57 MON.-THURS. 8-5 1129 GEORGETOWN RD. FRI, 8-8, SAT. 8-12 BART, PA 17503 FORSAKE PEANUT HULLS For BEDDING Most effective. as bedding for all kinds of beef and dairy „ hors
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